We’re just a few short days away from the premiere of Pilot Pete’s season of The Bachelor. Thank god, I was starting to get a little too productive on Monday nights. Get your wine and yoga pants ready, because the contestants have been announced (are three flight attendants really necessary?), the bar has been set high, and we’re ready for our annual Bachelor hiatus to end. I, for one, always love to see what new and inventive terms the contestants will come up with to mean “aspiring influencer”. (“Content creator”, anyone?) So, in anticipation of the new season, we’ve rounded up the craziest job titles from the past few seasons.
Tiara, Chicken Enthusiast
Season: Ben Higgins
When it comes to Tiara, I just need more details. What kind of chicken? Does she prefer nuggets or tenders? Is she a breast or a leg girl? Has she tried the Popeye’s spicy chicken sandwich? And if not, can she even call herself an enthusiast? Does she, too, want a man to get her Chick-fil-A on Sunday like that contestant on Pilot Pete’s season? This job title leaves me wanting more, and I feel like it’s my journalistic duty to interview her and get all the facts about how enthusiastic she is about her love of chicken.
Season: JoJo Fletcher
Okay, I’m curious what exactly a professional Canadian does. I imagine they say “eh” a lot, play hockey, eat Canadian bacon, and love Justin Bieber, Drake, and Ryan Gosling. But if you have any other hypotheses about what it means to represent the entire country of Canada as your profession, without being the Prime Minister, please let me know your thoughts.
Heather, Never Been Kissed
Season: Colton Underwood
This is a lie, I’m sorry. Heather, there is no way you HAVEN’T ever been kissed. She just wanted to top the virgin on the show and this was the next best thing. Or maybe she thought she was supposed to write down her favorite movie instead of her job? Either way, I’m not f*cking buying it.
James, Bachelor Superfan
Season: JoJo Fletcher
This was genius and I want to shake James S.’s hand and thank him. I can almost hear the gleeful screeches from groups of women at watch parties declaring him their dream man. An attractive single male who loves The Bachelor and can help me with my fantasy bracket? WHERE CAN I SIGN UP? Whatever happened to this guy anyway? Can we get eyes on James S. ASAP?
Alexis, Aspiring Dolphin Trainer
Season: Nick Viall
I, too, love dolphins and definitely wrote down “dolphin trainer” in elementary school as what I wanted to be when I grow up. But that was elementary school, and not on national television. And I can’t help but feel like I need an update on the status of Alexis’s aspirations. Going on The Bachelor brought her nowhere closer to achieving that dream—probably further from it, to be honest, since we realized she can’t even tell a dolphin from a shark. But she does have her line of hoop earrings, so she has something, even if that something is not dolphins.
Season: Kaitlyn Bristowe
WTF does this even mean? Is Tony a “doctor” that focuses on natural remedies? Is he a therapist? Is he just like my manipulative ex-boyfriend who claimed he was a “spiritual healer” which actually just meant he would bully people until they broke down so he could build them back up? Whatever the case may be, Tony definitely sounds like he did a lot of drugs at Burning Man and just declared himself a professional healer in the middle of the Nevada desert. He kinda looks like he just escaped a fire, so maybe he should use some of that magical energy on himself. Has he ever actually healed anyone? Also, what insurance does he take? Inquiring minds need to know.
Season: Ben Higgins
Honestly, props to this girl for being honest. She’s not trying to make us believe she’s anything other than what she is. Look, the girl is 23, of course she’s unemployed. These people who come on here at age 22 and say they own a business are just liars. I guess this was before we could all just call ourselves influencers, so good for her. Respect, Rachel!
Jonathan, Tickle Monster
Season: Rachel Lindsay
Yeahhh, “tickle monster” sounds like a bootleg Sesame Street character, not a profession for a 31-year-old man. Jonathan is like that lingering guy at the bar who does not get the hint when you tell him you “have a boyfriend” that it means you’re not interested, forcing you and your friends to move to the other side of the bar. If an adult man ever tried to tickle me, I would call the cops, and that’s not an exaggeration.
Lucy, Free Spirit
Season: Juan Pablo Galavis
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I feel like people who are actually free spirits don’t declare themselves as such. It’s kind of like calling yourself a hipster. Lucy probably just did acid at Coachella one time while wearing a flower crown, and here we are. I’d love to see her these days, because I have a feeling she realized that she needs money to live, and has a boring job like the rest of us. Being a free spirit isn’t so cute when you can’t move out of your mom’s house.
Evan, Erectile Dysfunction Specialist
Season: JoJo Fletcher
Please always remember that before Evan married Carly and had two kids with her that he was an erectile dysfunction specialist. I mean, this is just incredible. He’s basically advertising his sexual abilities via his job title. Like, he literally specializes in guys not being able to perform, implying that he’s an expert in it, and I admire that. Even if it’s not true, which it probably isn’t, you’ve only got one shot on this thing (unless you’re Chris Bukowski) so why not lay it all out on the table? Of course, he still has his ED clinic, and has recently been in some legal hot water over making misleading claims.
Hayley & Emily, Twins
Season: Ben Higgins
I will say that even though “twins” is not a real job, Haley and Emily might just be the closest thing to professional twins this world has ever seen. I mean, they were a package duo even on Paradise, and even tried to have a spin-off show that just focused on them being completely incompetent at life. Most twins I know didn’t even want to attend the same college, so I guess I respect Haley and Emily leaning into their one strength.
Season: Rachel Lindsay
Lucas, your dumb little catchphrase was an embarrassingly overt attempt to make sure you got your 15 minutes. Now, I get that all of these people must want their 15 minutes, or else they would go on a dating app and not a reality TV show, but Lucas didn’t do it very deftly. Frankly, I’m annoyed that the producers even humored him by casting him at all. The fun of watching The Bachelor is pretending that all these people are there for the right reasons and not to become Instagram influencers, even when we know they’re all going to become influencers anyway.
Kelly, Dog Lover
Season: Juan Pablo Galavis
Honestly, I’m a huge dog lover, so this is my dream job. Although it’s not exactly clear how one could make a living off of loving dogs, because if you could, every single person on Instagram in 2019 would be a millionaire. Kelly, tell us your secret! We could solve world hunger! If I had to guess, I’d say Kelly walks dogs sometimes and maybe even started an Instagram for her parents’ dog, and it has 700 followers to date. Chase those dreams, girl!
Kamil, Social Media Participant
Season: Becca Kufrin
Kamil, I hate to break it to you, but we’re ALL social media participants. You might as well have put “human man” as your job title. He is definitely the guy who has a passion for starting Twitter wars with strangers on the internet. Or maybe he was just getting a head start on his post-Bachelorette career, which doesn’t appear to have worked out too well for him.
I honestly don’t even understand the point of giving the contestants job titles at all, considering half of them are fake and all of them just want to shill weight loss tea. But at least it gives us entertainment and extra fuel for our roasts.
Images: ABC (15)
This week on AYTO was kind of a doozy. I disagreed with someone I generally like, for once agreed with Terrence J, and finally used skills from that one psych class I took in college to identify my first psychopath! Kareem, be sure to DM me to claim your prize later, ya fucking lunatic.
AT THE HOUSE
They just got 3 beams, which is like, meh. Not great, not zero. Alivia and Kareem are still hooking up, and she’s like, “I hate myself,” and it’s like, k.
Alexis says that Keith makes her want to better herself and do inspiring things like go back to get her middle school education. Love takes us to new heights, y’all. <3
Meanwhile, confirmed no-matches Dimetri/Nicole and Geles/Anthony are still hooking up, which is, like, fucking pointless on so many levels. How Geles is even able to see Anthony through the mile-long eyelashes she has is beyond me. They say that love is blind, I guess.
The likable guys—Ethan, Joe, and Tyler—and Shad, are all pissed because, like, half the girls have their heads up some dude’s asshole, and they can’t play the game correctly.
Kareem, on the other hand, thinks those guys need to “get out, meet people,” and it’s like well, that’s kinda hard to do when you’re balls deep in a girl 24/7 and can’t handle when she even looks at another dude. Like, is Joe just supposed to chill out on the side of the bed in The Boom Boom Room and ask her questions about herself while you two are hooking up?
REAL PIC OF JOE:
They need Clinton and Uche in the Truth Booth, so they can get a confirmed match, and hopefully, get those two vanilla motherfuckers back to the church camp they escaped from.
It’s the guys challenge this time, and they have to learn things about the girls via their family members. The guy who guesses the right answer first gets to eliminate someone, but if they answer incorrectly, they’re eliminated.
Audrey apparently lied to her parents about being on this show and told them she got an internship in “Cali,” which should have been the first indicator that she was lying, because literally no one calls it that.
After a series of not-so-riveting reveals, the fate of the game comes down to whether Uche’s cherry has been popped. Now this is high-quality television, you guys.
Eventually, the winners are Tyler, Clinton, and Keith, who pick Jada, Uche (duh), and Alivia, respectively.
ANDDDDD BACK TO THE HOUSE
Joe starts talking to Alivia and casually asks about Kareem. Alivia gets triggered faster than your racist Uncle Conrad on a pro-Black Lives Matter Facebook post and tells Joe that she doesn’t want to talk about it. Joe’s actually pretty fucking respectful about it.
JOE: “Sorry I didn’t mean to upset you.”
ME TALKING INTO MY THIRD GLASS OF WINE: … you pansy-ass bitch
Alivia does exactly what every girl who “isn’t like most girls” does and slyly starts drama. She immediately goes to Kareem and tells him that Joe asked her about him.
He grabs Alivia by her chin (which he does a lot) and yells at her about what she needs to do, etc. Kareem genuinely fucking frightens me. Like, if I was Alivia’s friend, I would probably be openly concerned for the fact that he grabs her like that and speaks to her like a fuckin’ controlling father. MTV—really great casting on this. I hope you’re willing to pay for Alivia’s therapy bills.
They go on a Mississippi River steamboat, which sounds like a really gross sexual act that someone tells you to “look up on Urban Dictionary.”
Clinton and Uche start talking about kids and dogs and if Uche is willing to move to the East Coast, and it’s like, woah. Lots of decisions. Idk what I even want to put on my Chipotle burrito when I’m like, halfway in line. Can you just like, chill for a sec?
Alivia tries to open a champagne bottle with her teeth, which is like so dangerous. Why can’t Kareem yell tidbits of common sense in her face, so she avoids stupid shit like this?
Alivia is talking to Keith and she’s like, “Idk if I want Kareem in my life, because he’s so smart that he makes me go back to him, whereas you’re like, you.” Keith’s like, “Fair enough.”
THE TRUTH BOOTH
Of course, the house sends Clinton and Uche to the Truth Booth. They both wanna hustle and get this shit over with, so they can make it to the 7:30 bible study class. Today Janet brought lemonade and used real sugar—gonna be a fuckin’ rager.
Unfortunately, someone didn’t kiss their prayer beads this morning, because it’s a NO MATCH. This is a big hit for the house, because these two have literally been sitting together the whole show, whiiiiiich means they know nothing, and I still have to write these fuckin’ recaps!
Uche starts breaking down and is really mourning the loss of the potential D she may have gotten in the honeymoon suite.
About 2.5 seconds after the Truth Booth, Jada goes up to Clinton and asks him to talk. She basically is like, “You need to branch out to other girls…. Actually no, just me.” See the funny thing about branching out is, you’re gonna need to bring a few condoms to do it.
They both talk about how they literally don’t know each other, and everyone watching is like, yeah. We know. Why are we here again? And then they leave. Pointless.
However, Satan has clearly possessed Uche and she pulls a Kareem and freaks out about two people talking. She comes in HOT at Jada, who like, did nothing wrong.
Uche’s like, “What did you say to Clinton!?,” acting like Jada came out kitty-first rather than literally just talking to him. Jada’s like, two seconds from reminding Uche who the fuck she thinks she is talking to, and I do not blame her one bit. Uche was foul with this one.
Clinton’s like, “Wtf Uche is kinda a jealous bitch, that’s not my type,” and it’s like, Alivia, get your notebook out, sweetie. Write this down.
Jada runs off and starts crying, which is kinda not what I expected. Give me the curb stomp I signed up for, dammit! Jada’s like, “I respected Clinton and Uche’s relationship for so long,” which is def true. I’ve seen some fucked up shit, from being the only viewer of this show for the last five years, and Jada’s def taken the high road.
Jada then starts flipping the fuck out and hitting shit, and THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN ABOUT.
Uche swears to God that she did nothing wrong in this instance, and you know sweet baby Jesus is up in heaven like:
Uche’s like, “It’s hurtful to me that we have to play this game as it was intended,” and it’s like, buck up, snowflake. Make MTV Great Again!
Speaking of Trump voters, Alexis still thinks Keith is her match, and she said the feelings she has freak her out more than a transgender person existing and doing absolutely nothing to harm her.
Keith is like, “Alexis knows how to get to me,” and I think that probably has to do with the fact that she’s blown him like, 10 times in the last week. Alexis swears she has trust and abandonment issues, and I guess I could see that, when your house is literally on wheels. If your bathroom could potentially leave you, imagine how hard dating is? I worry for her.
THE MATCH UP CEREMONY
Anthony is up first and picks Nicole. Somewhere in the distance, Geles’ tears trickle down her eyelashes, bringing fresh water to Flint, located hundreds of miles away.
Terrence J decides to Daddy up on these idiots and calls out the no match couples and is like, “You see how this is dumb right?” And Geles is like, “I literally cannot see my own hands.”
Terrence J asks Malcolm if he’s talked to other girls, and he’s like, “Sure. I’ve talked to other girls….” Terrence J asks him who he’s talked to, and it’s like being caught in lie with your parents.
TERRENCE J: Who did you talk to?
MALCOLM: Other girls.
TJ: Which girls?
MALCOLM: Uh… you know… the ones with the eyes.
Of course Malcolm picks DD.
Kareem picks Alivia, dragging her from her chair by her fucking chin.
Joe comes out and is like, “We aren’t playing this game correctly!!!” which, wow, if I had a nickel every time I heard that on this show…
Kareem flips out and is like, “Joe has no connections because he shit talks people!” and it’s like, okay that’s like, the best way to make connections. The fuck are you doing, trying to insult my livelihood like that?
Joe picks Zoe.
Shad picks Audrey, who would much rather be with Johnny Bravo.
Tyler picks Keyana.
Ethan picks Geles, which bothers me. Can I take a second to discuss Geles, because I have THOUGHTS. *takes sip of wine* Geles literally only claims Ethan is her match because she is not attracted to him at all. Like, what do they have in common? *Malcolm answers* “They have eyes.” ANYWAY, it’s sooooo easy for her to pair up with Ethan, who she has zero interest in, because she knows she won’t fuck him, and he’s too nice to make moves on her, so she can still continue to dick around with Anthony. Homegirl, I was in a sorority for four fucking years—I can spot subtle manipulation faster than Jada can run into Clinton’s arms.
Keith picks Alexis.
Clinton picks Jada, lol.
Dimetri picks Uche.
Johnny Bravo picks Nurys.
Overall, it’s a random AF lineup, which is probably why they get one beam. Loooooosahs.
Terrence J finally yells at them for being fucking idiots, and it’s like, wow look who decided to put on his big boy pants today. They go back to the house, tails between their legs, Alivia’s chin in Kareem’s iron grip.
When they get back, Kareem and Anthony face off with Joe and Ethan about how the house is divided. Every once in a while Geles pipes up to agree with Kareem, and it’s like, literally never speak again. Kareem tells E-money and Joe they are losers, and it’s like, if Kareem is supposedly the fucking cool one in the house, you all are bunch of fucking losers.
Like I said, doozy. Tune in next week to see if E-money does the world a favor and punches Kareem, and to see if Alexis finally learns how to spell the word “orange.” Bye!
There are a lot of shocking things in this world. The fact that an angry reality TV star troll is president of the United States is a big one. Rachel picking creepo Bryan over beautiful human work of art Peter is a smaller scale surprise, but a surprise nonetheless. One thing that’s not shocking, however, is that the casts of Southern Charm and Vanderpump Rules are friends. I mean, they’re practically the same. They’re all shitty people. They all drink too much for their age. They’re all on a Bravo show that’s not Real Housewives. And we write recaps of their shows. See? Twinsies. We’ve known for a while now that Stassi is friends with Craig, Naomie, and Danni. But what about Kathryn? She’s young and kind of a BSCB. Perf for my VPR peeps. Well never fear, kiddos. They hung out last week.
Do I see a crossover in our future?
While out in Cali, Kathryn hung out with Stassi, Kristen and their non-Pump Rules star friend Rachael and they all seemed to be besties. Or as much of besties as three people who got lunch together one time can be. We all know that means absolutely nothing in Bravo-land but still worth mentioning.
Kristen even dubbed Kathryn her “southern belle/supermodel spirit animal” which is actually a pretty accurate description since they’re both fucking nuts. The supermodel part might be a bit of a stretch, but I digress.
No word on if this will air on the upcoming season of VPR, but with all the shit that’s been going on, Bravo producers better be fucking living with our fave LA assholes bartenders at this point. Guess we’ll all find out in November or whenever tf VPR comes back.
The illustrious members of Bachelor Nation have spent most of the summer being pretty fricking P.O.’d, thinking our absolute favorite summer series was dunzo. I mean, we were like, concerned about the seriousness of the allegations and shit, but we also definitely wanted to see our favorite cast members who failed to find love have sex with each other on the beach. Fortunately for us, the Bachelor producers have literally no shame, and all the DeMario and Corinne drama did nothing to diminish their desire to make money off of our guiltiest pleasure.
Now, the teaser for the season that almost never happened is out, and, TBH, I hate saying it, but it actually looks kind of lame. Part of why we were all so excited about BiP this season was because Corrine was going to be on it. Now that’s not happening. Chad is busy with Famously Single for some reason. DeMario is also out, so, like who is even going to bring the drama? Amanda? Raven? I don’t think so.
So let’s break this down: The preview starts with a bunch of tweets from Bach fans basically just talking about how devastated they (we) were the show was maybe almost sort of not going to happen when allegations of sexual misconduct started swirling.
Of course when a show called “Bachelor in Paradise” almost gets shut down but then totally doesn’t, you have to throw in a “Paradise Lost” reference. Clever.
We get a few flashes of some of the cast members, including baby-voiced Amanda from Ben’s season and one of Rachel’s more annoying suitors, Iggy. We also see that Kristina is on the show. I almost didn’t recognize her because she has highlights now. She legit looks good and I’m happy she didn’t end up with Nick because she’s already been through too much shit in her life — fuckin Russia, amirite?
Anyway, then we get some more tweets about how happy people are that the show is back on. Then Robby says “It’s crazy” and that’s pretty much it.
Can I just say: booooooooo.
I don’t particularly like that they’re capitalizing on the fact the season almost didn’t happen, ya know, because the reason it almost didn’t happen was because there was a sexual assault investigation. Like, if it almost didn’t happen because of a hurricane or some shit, sure, play that up. IDK I just had a weird feeling about how they approached that whole thing, and critics generally agree. The trailer has been panned by basically everyone, with critics calling it both exploitative and tone deaf. So basically like everything BiP related. Isn’t the first rule of PR like, not to bring up the shitty parts of your brand all the time? IDK.
The show comes out August 14, though and we’ll be watching. Duh.