Welcome back for another episode of
Who Wants To Marry A Predator The Bachelorette! I’m starting to be genuinely concerned that this week we’ll find out Bill Cosby has joined the cast of “eligible bachelors” vying for Becca’s heart. Also, unrelated: ABC, YOU’RE TRASH. On that note, let’s resume with the shit talking week 4 Bachelorette recap, k?
The Rose Ceremony Continued
Wait. We’re STILL doing this rose ceremony? Has time passed at all?? Or is Hell this
red satin abomination rose ceremony and I’m living in it on a loop?
Blake starts off his plea for a rose by discussing how many children Becca should bear him. This is the part where I would send his presumptuous ass packing, but since Becca’s bar for these men is set somewhere around “hopefully doesn’t have a felony,” I’m guessing Blake will stick around for a little longer. Cool, cool.
HAHAHA. I forgot about the chicken guy being in the ICU. Jordan is like “I’m not saying I’m blessed, but I did pray to God for this to happen for approximately the last four weeks.”
OMG. DAVID’S FACE. DEAR LORD.
David shows up to the rose ceremony and he looks fucking horrible
—worse than I did after New Years Eve 2016 when I woke up with a half-eaten pizza crust in my bed and several outgoing calls to my ex from six years ago. If having a mangled face doesn’t get the boy a rose, then I don’t know what will.
Side-note: which producer do we think David had to pay off to unscrew some screws in his bunk?
THE. CRYSTALS. ON. THE. BACK. OF. THAT. DRESS. Why God? Why do you test me like this? Becca, you really make it hard to root for you sometimes.
Final rose cut: Ryan and Mike get sent home. I wish I could say they’d be missed, but I genuinely cannot recall one single fact about them.
After Becca cuts the dead weight, she announces that the men are going to Utah this week! Utah!
ME AND ALL OF AMERICA: *crickets*
Okay, but why is Becca really like “I’m so excited to be here in Utah”?? And more importantly, what has she done to be so badly victimized by casting, wardrobe, and now the travel budget?? Please enlighten me, ABC.
Also, didn’t they go to Park City last season? Does ABC have a Groupon or something? Is Ben Wyatt holding their purse strings these days?
The One-On-One Date
Becca chooses the racist, woman-hating, homophobe Garrett for this week’s one-on-one date because she’s “really excited about him.” Do you hear that, ladies? With choices like these, how can we ever end up dying alone with our cats?!
Becca’s like “Garrett reminds me of home. And my dad.” AND HER DAD. I think I just felt Mr. Kufrin roll over in his grave.
Cut back to the house where Lincoln, the suitor who is a literal sex offender, just announced that he believes the world is flat. Is it too late to put him back in his mother’s womb?
Anyways, back to this date. Becca cannot stop gushing about Garrett, and I’m genuinely terrified she ends up with him.
Becca is every girl rn: “Garrett is just so handsome, IDK why. He’s just so tall.” Know who else was handsome, Becca? TED BUNDY.
K this bobsled love story is great and all but it does not compare to the greatest bobsled story of all time, COOL RUNNINGS, amiright?
They take their date back to a place called The Moose Resort, which sounds like my personal nightmare, but Becca damn near cums from the sight of the hooved decor. Damn. Maybe her and Garrett really are perfect together.
BECCA: You remind me of my dad! Hope that’s not weird!!
OH SHIT. Garrett was married before?? FOR TWO MONTHS?! I mean, he honestly takes the sanctity of marriage about as seriously as every other contestant on this show, so I’m not sure why Becca looks appalled here. At least he’s willing to propose!
Garrett describes getting married like the process that goes into a drunken one night stand: “one thing led to another and—boom!—we signed a legally binding agreement to be together for life!”
Wait… is he actually claiming emotional abuse from his ex? I’m sorry, but are you fucking kidding me with this? Garrett’s like “she was a red flag.” YOU ARE A RED FLAG.
Also, LOL at Garrett saying he and Becca share the same values when one of them thinks the Parkland survivors are actors and one marches in the Women’s March. Yeah, this sounds like a long-lasting connection.
This is why this is the only one-on-one date I need:
The Group Date
For the group date this week, Becca announces her secret lumberjack fetish. She’s like “while everyone was daydreaming of Leo DiCaprio I was daydreaming of
the type of guy who would certainly vote against women’s rights lumberjacks.” Ah, yes, her attraction to Garrett is all starting to make sense now.
Okay, David has gotta go. I know he has a mangled face or whatever, but I can’t with him anymore. He’s definitely intimidated by this log chopping activity and also his girlish figure. He’s like “this seems strenuous and I don’t know how much I’m allowed to do with my injury.” IT’S YOUR FACE THAT’S INJURED, NOT YOUR ARMS, DAVID.
The men are to participate in some sort of Lumberjack Olympics, and this can only end in someone splitting their skinny jeans. *turns up volume*
Ugh. No one split their pants because the universe truly doesn’t want me to have nice things. But the nerd who invented Venmo somehow bested all of these “former athletes” at the lumberjack games, pulling out a last-minute victory in a climbing competition that was ripped straight from that “I’ll Make A Man Out Of You” scene in Mulan. (Did anybody else think that, or was it just me?) Tbh good for him. If not for this win, I would have entirely forgotten he was on this show.
Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. Becca has decided to drape herself in jewels. And by “jewels” I mean whatever was left on the 50 percent off display table in Kohl’s jewelry section. So, it’s starting off strong.
Jordan pantses himself to try and prove his loyalty to Becca. To be fair, she did gift him those gold booty shorts, so I understand his line of thinking here.
Okay, why does Colton have a stick up his ass about this? He’s pissed because Jordan is nearly always nude in Becca’s presence, but I think this has less to do with the booty shorts, and more to do with Colton being a virgin who can’t drive. Let the boy live, Colton!
Elsewhere, Jean Blanc is acting creepy AF. Becca’s like “I’m usually pretty intuitive when it comes to people and something is off with him.”
Oh, you’re pretty intuitive, Becca? And yet you had no idea that the guy who proposed to you was picturing someone else? Riddle me that.
Oh shit, is Becca getting rid of him? Just like that? I feel like some creepy shit must have gone down off-screen to make her kick him out like this. I mean, I know he’s creepy, but didn’t he get the group date rose last week? This feels sudden.
Omg he’s asking for the perfume back. HE’S ASKING FOR THE PERFUME BACK. I literally want to crawl into my couch.
JEAN BLANC: I love you. You’re so beautiful. You’re my whole world.
BECCA: You’re a good guy but I’m just not there yet.
JEAN BLANC: Fuck you, bitch. You’re ugly and I never wanted you anyways.
Jean Blanc is literally every guy who’s ever messaged me on a dating app.
Okay, Becca is losing it over Jean’s little confession. Why is she so shocked that he was lying? He just met her! Of course he was lying! They’re all lying!
Lol the look on Becca’s face as she addresses the rest of these men is priceless. You know she’s starting to think that the rabid wolves that populate wilds of Minnesota might make better company than these degenerates. She’s like “all I expect is honesty from you guys.” YEAH, YOU AND THE REST OF THE WORLD, HONEY.
The Second One-On-One Date
Wills gets the second one-on-one date and I’m pissed it’s getting overshadowed by Becca’s sudden realization that men are trash. It’s 2018, Becca. If you want a good guy then you’re gonna die alone!
Okay, this date is actually kind of cute despite the fact that I want to cut her for looking slim AF in those snow pants. They take snowmobiles out and have a fun time freezing their asses off and barely speaking to each other for half the day. It’s like ABC modeled this after my answer to “describe your perfect date.”
Oh GOD. Becca, could you stop bringing up your other boyfriends on this date? Wills is just trying to have a chill time, sipping champagne, and she can’t STFU about Jean Blanc.
I’m watching this date and Wills being super cute and all I can think is that he seems like an actual decent human being. I’m sure tomorrow we’ll find out he murdered his parents or something.
Wills, call me.
The Rose Ceremony
There’s no cocktail party tonight, just a rose ceremony because for once ABC appreciates my time and sanity. That, and they can’t be late for the premiere of their new abomination, The Proposal.
All the men are acting shocked that they won’t get one more shot at
serenading bullshitting Becca. I guess they’ll just have to hope one of Becca’s friends showed a mild interest in them last episode and Becca will keep them around to prove something to herself.
Jesus Christ. MY EYES. Becca, what in God’s green earth are you wearing? It looks like she’s wearing couture toilet paper or something. Tbh it’s probably a good thing she nixed the cocktail party, lest some of the men took a longer look at her and realized t
heir football careers weren’t worth it maybe there’s other, better-dressed fish in the sea.
This rose ceremony is tense AF. Becca hands out the last rose and it goes to Jordan. The other men in the room look like they got less than 1,000 likes on a photo, but I’m internally cheering. Jordan is the only reason I don’t pass out on the couch every Monday night watching this shit.
Final rose cut: Christon and Nick get sent home. I forgot Christon was even a contestant until just now, but at least he went out with class. You’ll be missed (at least for the next 5-10 minutes until I forget all about you again)!
Images: Giphy (6); ABC (1); @bkoof /Instagram (1)
Last week’s episode was more lit than a Menorah on day eight, ya heard. Between Geles and Taylor getting in a fight that killed my own brain cells and Kareem throwing inanimate objects at the girl he supposedly loves, the whole episode was the best holiday gift that anyone could have given me. Thanks MTV!
So anyways, we found out that Keith and Alivia are not a match, which thrilled the two
potential murderers loose cannons of the house, Alexis and Kareem. Let’s pick off where that massive shit storm left off. *pours wine*
Post Truth-Bomb Dumpster Fire
In a not shocking turn of events, Kareem is losing his fucking mind over this Truth Booth being a no-match. While I’m silently dialing 911, DD is loving this psycho shit Kareem is letting lose. Nothing makes her hornier than questioning her own safety.
DD When Malcolm Calls Her A Slut: How dare he? I don’t like guys that disrespect me!!!
DD When Kareem Flips A Table In Her Direction:
After being denied by the Truth Booth, Keith is like, “Maybe I do have feelings for Alexis?” which is code for, “Alexis is literally the only way I’m getting laid at this point.” Desperate times call for desperate measures, right? Keith runs after Alexis, as she continues to make oddly specific threats about how she wants to mutilate his body.
Alexis is screaming, “I didn’t kiss anyone when we were together!!!!” and he’s like, “Well, we’re in the house, so we’re not technicallllllly together.” Ah, gotta love those technicalities. Alexis storms off, and the audience collectively takes a breath because Keith may live to see another day.
DD, Jada, and Nurys are all shit talking Malcolm in the most diverse remake of John Tucker Must Die. I’m digging this vibe rn. Anyways, Nurys tells DD that she and Malcolm had sex like, the day before BananaGate.
Finally these two dummies have figured out what was already confirmed to viewers when we saw his ex (yikes): Malcolm ain’t shit.
Meanwhile, Geles is talking to Audrey about how she is “so in love with Anthony” and how she would “give up a million dollars for him.” It’s honestly so good of MTV to let people who are borderline braindead on this show.
Geles has finally realized that Anthony wants nothing to do with her or her eyelashes, and now she sets her sights on someone equally as mediocre—Johnny Bravo. She decides to tell Audrey—ya know, his in-house girlfriend—about this romantic connection she and JB have.
Audrey plays it off like all is well and that she doesn’t want to hang Geles by her extensions. She’s like, “I love that you’re being real with me,” and there is literally no part of Geles that is real, so you can cut the bullshit.
DD and Nurys corner Malcolm in a weird deleted scene from The Other Woman. They are all talking and getting in each others’ faces, and you know somewhere in the distance, Keith is yelling, “Threesome!”
DD calls Malcolm out for having sex with Nurys, and Malcolm’s like, “I had sex with Nurys? I must have forgotten! See here’s the thing, I fall a lot, and my dick was out, so like….it could have happened.” Geles and Malcolm should be a couple, so they can have the combined IQ of a grapefruit.
DD calls Malcolm out for being a fucking liar, and Malcolm is like, “ARE YOU GUYS TRYING TO DOUBLE TEAM ME RIGHT NOW?!” and Keith is like, “YESSSS.”
Malcolm is getting super pissed that he’s getting called out for things he actually did and starts calling the girls bitches. Malcolm, wanna intern for the Roy Moore campaign? I feel like it’s a good fit for you.
The girls decide to interview team likable—who I have begrudgingly added Shad to, ugh—and they’re like, “We need to stop being so superficial.” YA FUCKIN’ THINK?! And okay, superficial? I would climb Tyler like a fucking tree.
Joe starts talking about being in a cult and it’s like, damn, are the Scientologists gonna be okay with this? When did my remote switch to the Leah Remini show?
Uche is into him now because they both grew up as weird Jesus freaks. Nothing brings two people together faster than the understanding that organized religion is a sham 99% of the time. Mazel tov!
They start talking and realize they kind of actually have a connection (weird). Uche is like, “Yeah, Clinton and I spend every night together, but it’s the DAYS that are important.” Oh, is that how dating works? Mmm okay, I’ll just go ahead and let my boyfriend know that.
Kareem and Nurys are talking about how they are both angry AF and have no control over their behavior even though Kareem looks old enough to be my father.
Kareem says he’s going to pursue a different match after Alivia wasn’t receptive to his
abuse love. Thankfully for him, there are plenty of other girls with low self-esteem and anger issues in the house for him to choose from. Ya know what they say about plenty of fish…
Geles and Johnny Bravo are having the world’s lamest conversation, only barely beating any conversation Uche and Clinton have.
JB admits that he’s into Geles but won’t sleep with her because “he’s with Audrey.” How noble of him. Don’t call him a hero.
They acknowledge that they have a physical connection, and of course, JB runs and tells Audrey about this discovery. She gets upset and JB’s like, “What did I do?” If only the steroids he clearly abuses worked on his brain.
Audrey is like, “I’m pretty mad,” but the thing is that totally rhymes with “I should date Shad.” What? Who said that?
JB goes into recovery mode and immediately tells Audrey everything she’s ever wanted to hear ever.
Audrey: Am I prettier than her?
A: Am I funnier than her?
A: How long have you been sleeping with Mrs. Windham?
JB: 3 Months
A: And your boyfriend’s name is?
They make up in the Boom Boom Room, and JB is like, “Girls think I have a small penis, but I swear I don’t.”
The man-child doth protest too much.
Everyone is kind of mingling and getting to know each other, and Shad has to go and ruin everything by opening his fucking mouth. I love to hate Shad, mostly because I think in real life he’d probably be my best friend. Truth hurts.
Shad’s like, “I need a pretty girl next to me at the match ceremony,” and sets his sights on Zoe. Zoe looks like she wants to die round two, because we saw round one when she was with Keith. Shad leans in for the kiss, and Zoe compares kissing Shad to kissing her mailman, which is immediately wrong because we all know Shad doesn’t deliver in the bedroom.
Not going to lie, it really annoys me how bitchy Zoe gets toward Shad after that. Like damn bitch, you’re sitting lakeside, on a reality show, next to a glorified frat boy named SHAD. Did you think you guys were just gonna go outside and chat?
Ugh, I hate that I like Shad; it’s so bad for my reputation.
Kareem is up first because he threatened to murder anyone who tried to go before him.
Kareem says that he saw a side of himself he doesn’t like, and its like, is there a single likable side to you?
Kareem picks Nurys, and DD’s like, “Wow. Lol, again Nurys and I are going after the same shitty guy!” There is truly no hope for these girls.
Anthony’s up next and basically says he doesn’t give a fuck about what Geles thinks. Thankfully for him, Geles doesn’t think too often.
Geles starts yelling at Anthony, and Audrey chimes in and is like, “Well, you are kind of shady.” Normally I would tell Audrey to stay in her lane, but if her lane cuts off Geles it’s chill.
Now Geles and Audrey are yelling at each other. All the dudes are like, “Why are you this way,” except Kareem, who has the weirdest boner from all this conflict rn.
After all this bullshit, Anthony picks Keyana. Of course, Keyana still misses Johnny Bravo because she’s a little babyback bitch.
Speaking of bitch, JB is up next! Terrence J is like, “The girls are fighting over you,” and the girls are like, “No we aren’t!” *eye rolls*
JB and his micro-penis admit they are afraid of the girls, which is probably why he’ll come out as gay in a few months. You heard it here first.
JB picks Audrey.
The Shad is up next. He picks Alivia because “she went to a good school and so did I.” See, I’m telling you that we would be friends IRL. Ugh.
Keith picks Jada because they are homies. I love both of them, so I’m HERE FOR IT.
Dimitri picks DD because “she can put him in his place,” which she could, if his place was the hospital.
Joe picks Uche.
Nicole picks Tyler. Finally pulling her head out of her ass and accepting that he’s hot.
Ethan picks Zoe.
Geles picks Clinton.
Malcolm picks Alexis.
Alexis is openly like, “I shouldn’t be so in love with Keith,” and it’s like, yeah, probs not. Alexis is a stage five clinger for sure.
Malcolm says that he deserved being called out by the girls (duh) and apologized for calling DD a dick rider. He said he’s “working on himself” which seemed genuine, but I’m also a bottle of wine in, so who knows.
Damn, I hate when everyone is okay and I have no one to dislike. Oh wait, Geles exists! Okay we’re fine. I feel good about this match-up, honestly, and it turns out they get five beams! Still failing, but not as much as before, which was also my motto in calculus class.
After The Match Up
Ethan is pumped and decides to skinny dip. Ethan, sweetie, I love you, but put your fuckin’ clothes on.
Everyone gets naked except Shad, who sits and watches while comparing getting five beams on AYTO to putting man on the moon. What good school did he go to? University of Phoenix?
Tyler and Nicole are flirting, and she’s like, “I love shitty guys,” and Tyler is like, “Can’t relate.” These two are a beam, I’m putting this into writing now.
Keith walks by Alexis, and she’s like, “I fucking hate him,” and IN THE BEST EDIT IN MTV HISTORY EVER, it immediately goes to her in the confessional crying and shaking about how much she loves Keith. I’m not proud of how hard I laughed at work, while watching this on my phone under my desk during office hours.
Alexis is holding her stuffed animal and drunkenly crying, and Keith is like, “You’re immature,” and she’s like “FUCK YOU, HOW DARE YOU.” She tells Keith she loves him and starts crying and screaming. Keith is like, “Can someone restrain her please?” Alexis swears she isn’t drunk, but if I was her, I would have blamed that shit on the alcohol so fast.
Keith is like, “I shouldn’t love her, but I can’t get away,” which sums up my relationship with Adderall, so I get it.
The game this week is about trust, and they make everyone go through an obstacle course. The guys are blindfolded and have to carry the girl piggyback across this whole thing.
Geles is like, “I’m walking towards JB, but he is walking towards his girlfriend, which is a bummer.” Geles has lived her whole life blindfolded by her eyelashes, so this challenge should prove extra challenging to her team. She pairs up with Clinton.
Alexis is with Shad and is freaking out at him. She’s like “WHY ARE YOU RUNNING INTO THE WALL, IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’RE BLINDFOLDED!!!!!”
Ethan and his dad bod, which he proudly displayed the night before, are struggling to hold Jada up. Jada’s like two seconds away from putting Ethan on her back and winning this fuckin thing.
Somehow JB and Audrey win, and Alivia and Joe come in second.
Terrence J, being the good chaperone he is, decides to let the kids have a little party and tells them they are doing a Mardi Gras boat party. All the castmates are pumped, but no one is more excited than me—party episodes are ALWAYS a mess.
Me Next Week:
Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast and it’s hilarious. Listen & subscribe here!
Well fam, we did it. We made it to the finale of Bachelor in Paradise and all it took was one sex ed class from Chris Harrison, a crudely mishandled sexual assault allegation, the downfall of Dean, and more scallop jokes than were really necessary. BUT WE FUCKING DID IT. I feel like I’ve aged 20 years in the process and my liver has definitely taken a hit here, but I guess I’ll do anything
for The Bachelor cause to watch reality TV rejects fornicate on a Mexican beach, even if it jeopardizes my health and wellness. It’s important to know yourself.
Side note: I have now convinced my roommate—and her German friends from out of town staying with us this week—to watch this show. I’m really making strides with US-German relations here. Just call me a fucking ambassador.
Anyway, the episode starts with Chris Harrison
emulating my mother when she inquires about my love life at massive family gatherings asking the remaining cast members to define their relationships. He’s really taking his responsibility as host to the next fucking level.
^^Actual footage of Chris Harrison in Paradise rn
Dean looks legitimately terrified at the thought of marriage even though barely three months ago he was going to PROPOSE to Rachel. Whatever.
Lol I love how Chris just dips after dropping this truth bomb. Like, if you want to stay in Mexico and have semi-decent accommodations with free WiFi and actual walls for your room then you’ll need to 100 percent commit to this person you’ve been dry-humping all summer. Can’t wait to watch these people implode under that kind of pressure.
So let me get this straight. Basically their choices are: go on a date to figure out what they are, leave as a couple, or get engaged? That’s what you’re telling me rn? ABC, have you SEEN the men you forced these dime pieces to socialize with? Have you?!
Jesus Christ. I rest my fucking case.
Lacey is the first one
on the chopping block to be vulnerable. She asks Daniel if he’ll go on this date with her so they can continue to see where this blight upon humanity relationship goes. I’m watching this whole interaction and all I can think is, Daniel has all the makings of someone that should be attractive but yet instead makes me want to rip my fingernails off and claw my eyes out with the bloody stumps. Ya know?
LACEY: I’m really, really, REALLY
desperate enjoying my time with you. Will you go on this date with me?
DANIEL: I’m not done with you yet. You still haven’t seen the fireworks in my pants.
Jack Stone goes next. He pulls Christen aside and asks her to be his girlfriend because apparently this is the eighth fucking grade. Seriously though, am I watching Bachelor in Paradise or an episode of Degrassi? It’s honestly hard to tell.
JACK STONE: I want to leave Mexico holding hands with you.
Wow this conversation is not going well at all. Jack Stone keeps bringing up the hand holding thing and Christen looks genuinely alarmed that he thinks he can even breathe the same air as her once they get back to the States.
“Does he think we have a love story?” — Christen for the fucking win right here.
*slow claps* That’s it, I’m team #ScallopFingers forever. Honestly, I’ve never been more proud of a virgin who can’t drive.
My German friend after sitting through barely 15 minutes of this show: I thought there’d be more nudity.
Honestly, you’re not wrong. Same.
Adam and Raven decide to also go on the date. Adam looks shook that anyone would want to sleep with him. Aw, Adam, give yourself some more credit! All Raven’s got to compare you to is Nick!
It’s Dean and D-Lo’s turn to DTR and I don’t know if emotionally I can handle watching these two life ruiners ride off into the fucking sunset for a happy ending. I just don’t know if I can stomach it—WAIT. Did he just dump D-Lo?? FOR KRISTINA??
I. AM. SHOOK.
Dean keeps talking about how he fucked up and he misses Kristina and all I can think is:
Side note: Does Danielle L have butterflies tattooed on her the backs of her ankles? She does, right? And it’s all starting to make sense now.
Last but certainly least, we have Amanda and Robby, a couple I do not give one single shit about. They have their talk and Amanda completely breaks down at the thought of having to spend the rest of her life with Robby and his Instagram followers. And, like, same girl. That sounds terrifying.
ROBBY: I just don’t understand. Why would you do this?
AMANDA: Honestly, this was just a paid vacation away from my kids. Don’t push it.
THE FANTASY SUITE DATE
The three remaining couples sit down with Chris Harrison and are told that this isn’t just any date they’ll be going on, but a fantasy suite date. So no more dressing in drag or hot tamale eating contests, the cast members will actually have to, like, connect with one another tonight. Wow. This show is wild.
Everyone pretends to be shocked by this news but, like, let’s not pretend that y’all haven’t been screwing on sand dunes all summer long. Please.
Lacey professes her love for Daniel and he’s like, “yes let’s make this Facebook official.” And they say romance is dead. Tbh this is the first time I haven’t been completely disturbed by Daniel’s presence. You’ve really changed him, Lacey.
Next we get to see Derek and Taylor’s date even though I completely forgot that these two were on the show. They’re really making lasting impressions here. Taylor says something about needing to
emotionally and spiritually connect with Derek bang him before they can pursue something more serious.
GERMAN FRIEND: Did I get the language right? Did she just say if the sex is good they can officially date?
Yes, yes you did.
Adam and Raven have their date and Adam pops the fantasy suite question. You can literally see Nick and his sexless turtleneck flash before Raven’s eyes. She’s v nervous about saying yes to the fantasy suite because she
can’t fake an orgasm be vulnerable one more time.
AFTER THE FINAL
TEQUILA SHOT ROSE
Okay this segue from Raven and Adam’s date to the tell-all portion is really throwing me off. I’m feeling v confused rn. Did Raven sleep with Adam? Why is this a cliff hanger? Who is responsible for cutting the footage of this episode?? ANSWER ME, ABC.
Of course the sexual assault scandal is STILL being talked about. Like we get it, ABC. You don’t want us to morally blame you for ruining two people’s lives for TV ratings. Your message is loud and clear.
Chris brings out DeMario and Corinne for the world’s most awkward reunion.
CHRIS HARRISON: So where do you go from here?
DEMARIO: Well I’m going to therapy.
CORINNE: I am also in therapy.
Thanks, ABC! I feel SO much better about these two now!! It’s good to know they’re doing so well!
Tbh I could give a shit about the rest of these losers but this whole Kristina-Dean-DLo thing?
They put Dean in the “hot seat” and he looks low-key terrified. Like he knows that every woman in the audience wants to castrate him rn. Side note: can Chris Harrison put other people’s exes in the hot seat? Asking for a friend…
They show the whole Kristina-Dean-DLo love triangle footage and it’s still super hard to watch. Hard to watch in the sense that if I continue to watching it I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Just saying.
DEAN: *sobs watching the montage*
GERMAN FRIEND: He is an actor, yes?
Kristina keeps talking about how she will always love Dean and blah, blah, blah. She will 100 percent still bang him after this.
Dean gives a very heartfelt speech about how he still loves Kristina. He’s tearing up, I’m tearing up. The more wine I chug, the more I’m willing to forgive Dean and give him another chance. Kristina is one lucky bitch. Dean is reformed. Dean is beautiful. Dean is perfect, no man will ever measure up to how amazingly Dean has proven himself toda—WAIT. Danielle L says the FIRST interesting thing she has ever said on this show when she calls out Dean for calling her an hour after leaving the show. One. Fucking. Hour. AND HE’S STILL TRYING TO GET WITH KRISTINA.
That’s it. You’re done. Cancelled. See you in hell, Deanie Babies.
And because ABC likes to waste my time, they also bring out Robby and Amanda. They were supposedly dating outside of the show for Instagram likes but broke up because they “wanted different things.” Like, Robby wanted to respond to thots’ comments on Instagram and Amanda wanted to have a
father figure free babysitter for her kids.
Satan’s spawn the twins are desperately trying to stay relevant by butting in every three fucking seconds into Amanda’s breakup story. Robby apparently cheated on Amanda after the show and we know this because the twins kept the receipts and are ready to blow up his spot on national television. The twins are like that friend who will key your ex’s car even though you’re the one that got cheated on, not them.
Wait. The twins are me. I am the twins.
Now we get to move on to the actual couples. Daniel and Lacey did not make it past the fantasy suites. Apparently Daniel couldn’t pretend to like Lacey for more than five seconds after hooking up. In other news, the sky is blue.
CHRIS HARRISON: Why would you say you loved Lacey if you didn’t mean it?
DANIEL: *looks at Lacey* I said I loved you? When?
And just like that, I’m repulsed again. Goddamnit, Daniel.
So I guess Raven and Adam slept together? She looks like she actually had an orgasm too. Good for you, girl. I guess all it takes to find true love is
a boob job an open mind and an open heart.
Derek and Taylor prove that they are the strongest couple on this show. Derek. And Taylor. Let that sink in for a minute, k?
Whatever. I guess Derek
has a big enough dick connected with her on a deeper level in that fantasy suite because they’re still in love and making it work long distance.
Taylor keeps talking about how “naked” and “vulnerable” Derek was that night and I 100 percent believe Taylor has a crying fetish. She clearly gets off on the tears of her lovers. Don’t try and tell me different.
The season ends with Derek proposing to Taylor. It’s all very
staged sweet but honestly all I can think is “I really hope a twin comes out and says she slept with him.” Where’s a twin when you need one.
Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast and it’s hilarious. Listen and subscribe here!
So, Real Housewives of New York City is still on a tequila binge in Tequila, Mexico and if you haven’t watched this episode yet, I’d highly recommend it. It will definitely make you feel better about every questionable decision you’ve ever made.
Anyway, the episode starts out with everyone talking about their boobs, which then results in everyone being naked and running around.
Carole: I bare my boobs for art. The rest of the girls bare their boobs for tequila. PS, I have the best boobs of the group. They’re real.
Ramona and Bethenny have a nice moment in the pool.
Ramona: I really like you
Bethenny: I’m a pretty cool person
Ramona: But I feel like you don’t like me
Bethenny: Well, I don’t like you right now
The conversation then turns back to the comments Ramona made about Bethenny being naked in the press and how that must have affected B’s daughter, Brynn. I would just like to note that Bethenny is literally ass naked during this conversation.
On the other side of the pool, Dorinda is trying to get a pants-less Sonja dressed.
Dorinda: It’s literally like trying to put a bikini on a piece of spaghetti.
Anyway, back to Bethenny and Ramona. They’re literally screaming (slurring) and crying in the pool and there are little nude-colored pixel square censors over Bethenny’s boobs. I actually feel like I’m watching two Sims fight right now. The conversation ends with them making up, but we all know they’ll end up picking another fight soon.
Sonja’s still super drunk and asks Bethenny if she’ll have sex with her, but B isn’t down.
Bethenny: I’m sorry. You’re barking up the wrong vagina.
Bethenny is the first one at dinner again and she’s pissed because she always shows up late to shit and is still somehow the first one there. SAME, B.
Obviously, everyone’s been blacked out for a few days, so there are like, five separate arguments brewing. Dorinda starts yelling at Bethenny and so Bethenny and Tinsley start running around her and it’s just a mess of slurring and dancing. It’s truly beautiful.
Then, in the middle of Tinsley apologizing to Ramona (apparently this is just the episode where everyone’s going to black out and apologize like a bunch of drunk girls in a club bathroom becoming best friends), the women start to hear fireworks and all immediately stop their conversations and run outside to stand under the fireworks and scream. However, during the fireworks, Dorinda is concerned because she cut her hand.
Dorinda: I cut my hand off.
Bethenny: Do not give me a psychoanalysis.
Dorinda: I gave you a psychoanalysis about your life?
Bethenny: I keep getting into fights with these wasted blondes. It’s like, they have all this resentment about my success.
Is this just like, a giant war between blondes and brunettes? Isn’t that what Gossip Girl was for? Didn’t Serena and Blair teach us that party girl blondes and power-hungry brunettes all have their own great qualities and don’t need to compete with one another? Like, hello, this is 2017! Women don’t need to be competing with one another, they’re supposed to be obsessed with each other and leave the fire emoji on each other’s Instagram posts. Duh.
The next morning, the women are getting ready to go to yoga and Ramona decides to fill Luann in on all the ~dramz~ she missed.
Ramona: I had a great talk with Bethenny last night. We bared our souls (read: tits) to each other. It was good.
Luann: Until you screw it up again. *signature insane Luann laugh*
There’s a lot of awkward tension between Dorinda and Bethenny. Dorinda basically doesn’t think she needs to apologize for last night, because she was too blackout to remember. Instead of an apology, she’s basically like “whatever, I was drunk.” And instead of understanding the fact that sometimes when you drink tequila for multiple days straight, you say things you don’t mean, Bethenny is super pissed.
Sonja’s in a super good mood, which is making her really tired.
Sonja: I’m so exhausted from being happy!
Then Dorinda pulls Bethenny outside to apologize and Bethenny pulls off one of the greatest humble brags of all time. She starts crying and talking about how hard it is to be so successful because she doesn’t want to sound like she’s gloating all of the time. She’s truly a modern day Gretchen Wieners.
Bethenny: I have an emotional hangover. I’m back to being the crier.
I am TOTALLY going to use that line sometime in the very near future.
Everyone is getting massages and relaxing and boating and shit-talking.
Tinsley is on a boat planning a party to say thank you, but also fuck you, to Sonja for letting her live with her for a few months.
Carole says that she’s good at fishing even though she’s not good at very many things. If anyone wants to take a quick back-read through some of my recaps from this season and fish out all of the times Carole bragged about being good at something outdoorsy, but then complained that she’s not outdoorsy the next episode, please be my guest.
Surprise, surprise, Carole didn’t catch a fish so they go grab one from a market to pretend that she did. They even take a picture with the fish to make it look like Carole caught it. Of course, Luann isn’t buying it and assumes the captain caught it or something.
Finally, it’s the last night and everyone’s waiting for someone to fuck it all up.
Bethenny: I think to end this trip, somebody should be killed. It’s weird if we all go home too happy. I need my frenemies back.
Now that’s a woman that has her priorities straight!
For the last night, the women all go out to dinner and Tinsley is the drunkest one this time. It’s basically just more drunk yelling.
Luann: Tinsley, you should stop saying the F word so much because we’re at a restaurant.
Tinsley: Well, you say Palm Beach all of the time and it’s actually West Palm, soo… it’s West Palm, so whatever.
I can’t tell if that’s the best or worst comeback I’ve ever heard.
Anyway, next week is the season finale and I really hope they’re not all too hungover to make it interesting.
It’s a sad, sad day for Summer House lovers—all 17 of us. Last night marked the finale of the show, and I for one hope it gets renewed for a second season. I might be the only one. But that’s okay. For now, let’s reminisce and get into this recap.
This narration by Kyle is a STRETCH. “Lauren and Carl met the first weekend and fell in love.” Kyle of all people should be well aware that fucking =/= being in love.
Kyle: For me the summer was all about figuring out if I’m ready for a relationship.
Inner Kyle: Which we all know the answer is no.
We open on Kyle and Amanda’s confrontation.
I just think it’s laughable that Kyle is only admitting to “kissing” other people. Like, Amanda, if you think he only kissed these girls you need professional help for this level of delusion. I buy that just about as much as I buy Nick and Vanessa’s relationship will last. Shameless plug to the Bachelor finale recap!
Kyle: I’m just being 100% honest with you because I don’t want to disrespect you.
Another way to not disrespect the woman you’re trying to date is by refraining from making out with randoms ON CAMERA. Pro tip!
Kyle is just trying to “figure himself out” just like every girl in your sorority who travels through Europe after graduation.
Kyle: *goes off for 10 minutes about how much of a fuckboy he’s been* but it all makes me realize… I want to be in a relationship with you.
Kyle’s been watching too many romantic comedies. This shit doesn’t work in the real world. It can’t, right?
And after 10 episodes, Amanda has finally found her dignity! She is like “I don’t need this” and walks off. YAS. GET IT. And by “it” I mean “respect.”
Ashley: I’m going home after this weekend so whatever happens this weekend, it’s done.
I’m still trying to make sense of that sentence. Tune in next season, when I may finally figure it out.
Lauren is saying how the clock is against her and Carl like they don’t both live in the same city. This is not summer camp, you guys can still hang out after this is over. You know that, right?
I feel like Kyle is only Cristina’s ally because he doesn’t give enough of a fuck about anything to get involved in drama that doens’t affect him personally, and not out of any sort of loyalty.
Everett sits Lindsey down and is like “the past few months have tested the fabric of our relationship” but your relationship only began a few months ago. So…?
Everett sat her down and had this scary talk to basically confirm that he still wants to move in with her? What was the point of that? Oh right, ratings.
Lindsey: What am I gonna do, move in and move out when we fight and then move back in?
THAT’S EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDN’T MOVE IN!!! Has nobody brought this up?
Where can I get one of those rosé cocktails in a mason jar? Jello shots out of a syringe = goals.
What is this random Walmart-brand Fifth Harmony?
LMAO this is so terrible. I’m all for team lip sync. Kyle, you’re wasted, so it’s understandable you can’t tell when people are mouthing over a back track. Just let the girls have this.
Why is Kyle taking it so personally that Cristina said those performers were lip syncing? Why was THAT the straw that broke the camel’s back? Did he personally hire this group or something?
Cristina: You just hurt two people who really care about you.
Kyle: I’m done with you and me.
Well I’m glad they weren’t both just overly dramatic. Congrats, you just ended a friendship over lip syncing. New high.
Carl: This summer has made Lauren and I better friends and better communicators.
Translation: I will never be this girl’s boyfriend.
Carl: I want to focus on tomorrow, not yesterday. We have so much fun together.
Please see the above translation and multiply that by five.
Stephen and Ashley looking on in disgust is me when I see any type of PDA.
Ashley is basically like “It’s the last weekend of this house so I’m just gonna stop wasting my energy trying to break this up.” Well, that’s one way to mind your own business.
I love that Cristina came in with the receipts of the definition of meddling. Like, sorry, #UnpopularOpinion time, but I don’t think exposing someone’s bullshit to the person they’re trying to hide it from is meddling. Don’t hate the player, hate yourself for doing something that warrants being exposed.
The night concludes in a much-needed white girl twerking break.
Ashley: Even though I’m married I can hang. I can totally hang.
Amanda isn’t feeling well and Kyle’s like, “You need food. You need nutrients. I can’t be all that.” I don’t have any real commentary other than that Kyle thinks he could be considered nutrients.
Carl cut and run in the middle of a conversation at the bar last night. That is kind of professional level fuckboyatry. Fuckboyatry, noun, the act of being a fuckboy, coming soon to Webster’s dictionary.
AND HE COMES BACK WITH A RANDOM GIRL! Wow, I am like not really shocked. More like impressed at this level of wizardry. I can’t even lie to my parents when they ask if I’m going on a date…how do you do that??
Behold, the smoking gun camera glare:
YAS of course King Stephen saw Carl sneak that girl out in the morning.
Stephen: I honestly can’t wait to see the fallout from all this. *eats from a giant bag of popcoorn*
I am cackling. Can Stephen just get his own spinoff show? STEPHEN’S HOUSE. I think I speak for all 17 fans when I say we’d totally watch it.
Kyle: Hey Carl, thanks for being douche level times 1,000 so I look like a good guy in comparison.
I mean, Kyle is not wrong… and this is why I don’t date. Okay, Dad??
Cristina’s pulling an Angelina and leaving the
Jersey Shore Summer House early. Everyone’s just sitting there quietly sipping their drinks while Cristina talks about how nobody likes her. Womp.
I’m so glad that Cristina grabbing the giant bottle of rosé and leaving was not pre-planned at all. Still, I appreciated that obviously scripted moment.
Everyone’s just like “meh, wanna go get lunch?”
I actually respect Ashley’s ability to not say “I told you so” to Lauren. Because I thought she’d be all over that.
Carl is hungover and feels like shit and calls a doctor. If that ain’t karma I don’t know what is. But honestly, if you have to get an IV to deal with a hangover you’re the biggest pussy on the planet. But also like, can I get one?
Oh wow we’re really gonna bring Lindsey’s mom into this. Wow, Bravo. That’s fucked up. What won’t you do for ratings?
Well that was obviously extremely underwhelming for Lindsey, which is typically what happens when you call an estranged family member out of the blue after not talking to them for eight years.
Stephen: I’m excited to endure the torture of dating in New York City.
^New Tinder bio.
This confrontation between Lauren and Carl is like, pretty anticlimactic. Lauren is just done.
GO LAUREN. REJECTING CARL. It only took 10 episodes for her to grow a spine but
at least she’s not Amanda better late than never. Feminism seems to be the theme of this episode. I am living for it.
Ok Lauren, you had your moment of pride. You don’t need to sit here and psychoanalyze Carl and tell him he’s self-sabotaging. Just take the high road, take your W, and go.
Their last dinner. Their last hurrah. I may or may not be tearing up a little as I watch this.
I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING.
Lindsey: Carl and Lauren have a connection. When Carl flirts with me I just melt a little.
….huh?? When was this about you?
*Resisting the urge to Urban Dictionary “hot Carl”*
Kyle gives Amanda flowers … uhhh that’s kind of sweet I guess.
The night ends how I thought it would: with a gratuitous skinny dipping scene.
In the morning Amanda is like to Kyle, “I just don’t want you to think everyone’s back to normal.” Kyle’s face is like, “Bitch, you ain’t see the flowers I bought you?”
Ughhhhh after all that shit Amanda wants to be with Kyle. Other people’s happiness only makes me more despondent. Hi, I’m Sgt. Olivia Betchson and I’m dead inside.
Alright I don’t need to recap this 10-minute goodbye scene. Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. To the fans: It’s been real writing these recaps; I can only hope they’ll do another season so I get to do it all again. To all the cast members who read my recaps: thanks for the love and I promise I will turn all of you into a meme at some point. To the ones who didn’t: Who do you think you are? This show is nothing without my recaps. I like, invented you.
Until next summer. HAGS.
Well, it’s Wednesday night and I’m a bottle of wine in. It’s time to love myself like that Hailee girl told me to and turn on some Are You The One?. Because nothing is better for your self-confidence then to watch other people fail. Miserably.
Last year Sam’s mom got in touch with me and this year it’s Gianna’s brother. Who will be next to defend their loved ones on the recaps? Carolina’s great aunt? Stay tuned!
BACK AT THE HOUSE
Shocker, they all start binge drinking. Can’t wait to see how much weight they all gain by the end of the season.
Little Mike is talking to Casandra about all the things he likes to do. These hobbies include taking long walks on the beach, gelling his hair and taking a daily measurement of his penis. His growth spurt is coming, okay?!
Casandra literally looks like a bobblehead and is like OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
Little Mike: I LOVE LAMP
Mike wants to get to know Cas but also low-key hates her for having a family and being #blessed. He legit calls her a daddy’s girl to her face and she’s not even phased. He starts talking about how his mom is broke and his dad is crazy and I’m like, woah, did I change the channel accidentally to This Is Us? This shit is way too heavy for me rn.
If I could describe the house in three words that they all could understand it would be: Drunk. Horny. Stupid. In that order. Because they aren’t planning on getting a real job any time after this, they decide to throw an underwear party.
Ozzy is like “Kathryn is very sexy, idk what it is about her that I like.” He says as she grinds on him in her underwear. Hmmm, I wonder what it could be that makes you like her?
They start making out and he tells her that tomorrow is his birthday. So obviously she has to have sex with him because of THE IMPLICATION. (Name that reference and I will marry you.)
Tyler and Taylor are both like “hey this underwear party is fucking gross” and I’m like FUCK YA TEAM NORMAL PEOPLE.
Tyler is like “everyone is acting trashy and I’m trying to better myself.” Woah, ok. Profound. Tyler def got lost on the way to Jeopardy auditions and ended up on AYTO. Either that or he’s a fucking narc.
Apparently nothing makes Tyler’s dick harder than belittling the people you live with and he starts making out with Taylor. Overall, v hot couple.
Then the camera pans out to literally everyone just hooking up. Are You the One?, brought to you by Trojan Condoms.
The game starts with everyone being blindfolded and the boys tied up, which is coincidentally also the first scene of Fifty Shades Darker.
The girls have to smell the guys and untie the one they want to take on a date. Because that’s normal. The first three couples to finish go on a date.
The girls start sniffing and falling more than cokeheads at an EDM concert.
Kari has some big-ass eyes so every time she talks she looks fucking crazy. Actually, she kind of looks like me when I’m high but I’m pretending that I’m not high so I’m overly opening my eyes. Idk, just trying to create a visual.
Kari’s like “I STUDIED NEUROSCIENCE ONCE IN COLLEGE, PHEROMONES ARE REAL.” Yeah, no one said they weren’t…#Science.
KARI: This one time, in my neuroscience class
Kari picks Joey the trashman, who I thought smells like shit but I guess not.
Hannah picks Tyler and is like “wow, this blindfold makes it so hard to see. I totally respect blind people.” Wow, I’m sure blind people everywhere feel so fucking complimented. Like “look mom, that girl on TV understands my daily struggle for 3 minutes!”
They can still hear you being a dumbass, you know.
Alicia smells Andre because he, and I quote, “smells like Fritios.” This is like the cheapest advertisement Fritos has ever had. Also, Andre it’s time to get some new cologne.
Andre/Alicia, Joey/Kari and Hannah/Tyler all win and they are going to go windsurfing. Thrilling.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
Gianna apologizes to Hayden for being a low-key bitch last week and he’s already well settled into his home on friendzone island.
Michael walks by and Gianna is like hanging on Hayden. Michael is very over it and Gianna is like HE’S MY MATCH I KNOW IT. Fuck, okay.
Kam and Eddie are flirting and being cute and idk I like them so they better not fuck this up for me.
MY MOM: I like the girl with the grey-ish, purple-ish hair
ME: Literally their names are at the bottom of the screen.
Carolina is very upset that Joey the trashman is going on a date with KARI (her name will be in all caps now because her eyes just make me feel some type of way). Carolina starts crying and she’s like “if you’re not my match what is my purpose?!” In the distance you can hear me screaming “IT’S WEEK TWO YOU DUMB BITCH.”
Andre is the only one who can windsurf and Hannah’s like “oh Daddy.” In the words of our President-Elect, everyone else is a bunch of losers. Huge losers! Failing at wind surfing! All talk, no action!
KARI is being really nice to Joey and saying he’s fun and she’s excited to be there and he’s like “ACTUALLY I’m into Carolina.” Woah. Okay, I know KARI may kind of look like Crazy Eyes but she seems nice and she’s actually being genuine. So in my drunken state rn I am very mad for her.
Joey has officially moved to my shit list. And I don’t even mean that because he’s a trashman. Where he quite literally has to pick up shit. Get it? I’ll see myself out.
Andre and Alisha seem to be getting along but IDK, they kinda act like little children. They talk a big game about how they are really into each other but I just can’t see it. And I’m pretty much a fucking expert at this show.
And none for Tyler and Hannah, bye!
THE TRUTH BOOTH
Andre and Alicia to the booth because the house isn’t fully brain-dead. Everyone Is like “THEY ARE SO STRONG! THEY’RE IN LOVE AFTER A WEEK.”
See, you say strong, I say fucking crazy.
And guess what, I’m right motherfuckers—NO MATCH.
Alicia starts crying and saying she doesn’t want to be here. Damn, okay then fly tf outta here, what?
Hannah is like “HEY I KNOW YOUR HEART JUST BROKE, BUT I’M GONNA GO AFTER ANDRE.” It’s all about the subtle game. Hannah, could you like, chill your hoe ass down for a sec?
Hannah and Andre are talking and he’s like “I knew we weren’t a match” and I’m everyone at home is like wait… you just told Alicia… man, that’s fucked up.
Andre and Hannah start making out because #drama.
Alicia starts flipping the fuck out and is like “YOU’RE A LIAR AND A FLIRTER AND A MINGLER!!!”
What’s a mingler? Just someone who mingles? I feel like that’s real nondescript. I’m going to need a full definition plz. DM me.
Andre’s like “THESE GIRLS ARE CATCHING FEELINGS!” Uh, it’s not just girls. Joey’s over here acting like a baby back bitch.
Hoes, am I right?
The boys get to pick tonight and this ought to be a shit show because none of them strike me as scholars.
Oswaldo picks KARI. Random, don’t care.
Ozzy picks Kathryn because he wants that birthday sex. Ozzy’s like “she makes me feel like home.” Uh, Ozzy that’s because you are home. You’re a local, your house is like, down the street.
Jaylen picks Kam, fucking up the thing she had with Eddie.
Eddie picks Shannon, womp womp.
Derrick pity picks Alicia.
Hayden, who is sporting a pair of capris, picks Taylor. Obviously Taylor wants to be with Tyler so this is def a surprise. She actually says those exact words and Hayden has now purchased a summer home on friendzone island.
Tyler says something fucking stupid about how “Hayden is doing him a favor”? Idk his foot is so far up his mouth and Taylor’s like 3 seconds away from putting her foot in his ass. So much for team normal.
Andre picks Hannah. Alicia is like “IT IS WHAT IT IS” but also wants to murder Hannah.
Michael caves and picks Gianna. WTF.
Joey picks Carolina and they kiss because THEY ARE DUMB THAT’S WHY.
Mike picks Casandra because she’s his uptown girl.
Tyler picks Tee and they both are like, “Welp. Fuck me right?”
Okay, so this is sketch. Not looking so hot for them rn.
We’re waiting for beams and I’m drinking, thinking “no fucking way are they going to blackout. It’s only week 2.” But in the words of President-Elect: The polls were wrong! The experts were wrong! Sad!
And yes, THEY BLACKOUT.
They all lost half a million dollars. I’m laughing but it’s a nervous laugh because now they all are going to be on suicide watch or something.
Everyone has to deal with the fact that the person they are with is not their match. No Mike/Cas, Ozzy/Kathryn, Gianna/Michael, Joey/Carolina or Hannah/Andre. WOW. Major blow. I’m loving this.
A sad song starts playing and people start crying. Damn, this just got as depressing as Mike’s family life.