Hello friends! We’ve made it to week two of Becca’s quest to find love, and I’m not sure what I find more alarming about this season: that she’s already gotten rid of the most promising contestant (#JusticeforJoe) or that I’m actively rooting for Jordan to take over as her stylist. Anyway, shall we dive right in with this week’s Bachelorette recap?

The episode begins with Becca impractically riding a bike around LA and looking far too happy about dating. She does realize what’s out there in the world, right?

BECCA: I’ve been through a lot this year and I need to chill for a little bit.
ALSO BECCA: I’m going on 20 first dates tonight!!
ME: 

The First Group Date

And here we are. The very first group date of the season and Becca shows up in yet another white dress. Subtle, Becca. V v subtle. As far as I can ascertain, the purpose of this date is for Becca to watch 12 grown men strip while drinking Champagne? I support this.

Yesssss. Rachel is back! And she brought her human consolation prize fiancé with her. How sweet. All I know is she better rein in some of that personality of hers because these guys might get confused and start imprinting on the first woman to stop speaking in catchphrases.

Ah, yes, the true meaning of this date comes out. The boys have to crawl through mud and compete in some sort of demented obstacle course for my Becca’s enjoyment, all while wearing formal wear. I think the real obstacle here will be watching Jordan break down at the thought of ruining the delicate fabric of his jacket and still being forced by an ABC producer to consider him sexy. Bring it on, ABC. Bring. It. On.

Watching Rachel break down this obstacle course just makes me remember what having a Bachelorette with a personality was like. Sighs. Take me back?

Jordan takes it upon himself to describe the true meaning of love this obstacle course just in case we didn’t understand Rachel’s clear, definitive directions from five fucking seconds ago. He’s  like “basically we have to drag a ball and chain, get cold feet, go up a slippery slope, and buy a ring, and that’s what love is.” Did you hear that, Becca? AND THAT’S WHAT LOVE IS. Jesus. She’s going to die alone.

Lincoln wins the obstacle course and people are PISSED. Connor is like “he’s a cheater and he can’t be trusted,” but, like, I feel like that’s the least of the red flags in a group full of adult men with carefully applied spray tans, ya know?

SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.

Okay, I can’t take Lincoln seriously ever since I found out he is a floor shitter. Like, he thinks toilets are unsanitary so he makes a SHIT CIRCLE out of paper and SHITS ON THE FLOOR IN PUBLIC and picks it up like he’s picking up after a dog. He is revolting.

LINCOLN: Kissing Becca is like flying to the moon on a Pegasus.

I rest my fucking case.

Cut to Becca talking about being hopeful for “real connections tonight” and Lincoln all but making out with her photo after one glass of Pinot Grigio. Should she pack up her bags now or…?

Connor is like, “Lincoln is a giant douchebag who can’t be trusted.” Meanwhile Connor’s shirt is nearly fully unbuttoned. The irony in this room rn is next fucking level.

Lololol in an act of great maturity Connor CHUCKS LINCOLN’S PHOTO INTO THE POOL. *slow claps* Wowwww. This might be the best thing to ever happen to me or this recap but, like, it can’t end well for Connor. Also, is it just me or does Connor look like he’s the face of revenge porn?

LINCOLN: That picture was like my medal of honor, you know?

NO, LINCOLN, THEY GIVE THOSE OUT FOR WAR. THIS IS NOT THAT.

Oh my fucking god, is Lincoln TATTLING on Connor? He pulls Becca aside and literally bursts into tears about his picture getting smashed. Like, is Becca babysitting rn? I didn’t realize she was running kindergarten politics over here.

Jean Blanc gets the group date rose, proving that disgusting comments about a woman’s lips only work if the rest of the men in the room are literally flaming piles of garbage. Congrats.

Okay, I was unsure if Lincoln was actually crying at the cocktail party earlier (I’m blaming his accent the garbled consonants he’s trying to pass off as language) but now he’s actually sobbing. Like, openly weeping. In front of his competition. In broad daylight.

LINCOLN: I feel like I’m being tested here.
RANDOM GUY WHOSE NAME I CAN’T REMEMBER: We’ve all been tested here one way or another.

Do we think he’s referring to the emotional journey they’re going on or the mandated STD screening they all barely passed? It’s a toss-up for sure.

Blake’s One-On-One Date

Moving on. Blake gets the first one-on-one date, and I’m having a hard time recalling who tf this guy even is? Is this the horse guy from After The Final Rose? Has he always looked this way?

The date starts off strong with the couple driving out into the slums of California. Tbh it looks a little like my neighborhood in Bushwick but, like, nicer. Meanwhile, Blake is quietly panicking. He’s like “is that graffiti on the walls??” The panic in his voice rn is a clear indicator of how white this date is about to be. Carry on.

Oh good fucking god. Someone gave Becca a garage jumpsuit and and she is jazzing it up by promoting her latest Charming Charlie purchases. BECCA, THAT BELT SHOULD BE BURNED AND SO SHOULD YOUR STYLIST. Seriously, she doesn’t want you to be happy.

Smashing! #TheBachelorette

A post shared by The Bachelorette (@bacheloretteabc) on Jun 4, 2018 at 5:59pm PDT

Wait. This date is actually amazing. They want Becca to go full-on Taylor Swift and smash the shit out of all of her ex-boyfriend’s stuff. I mean, this is common practice on all of my first dates too, but let’s hope the response will be better for Becca. And by “better response” I mean hopefully the cops won’t be called.

^^actual footage of what’s happening on this date rn

Cut to the cocktail portion of this evening. Ugh are they going to spend this entire fake dinner talking about their pain and heartbreak? Because if so, I’m going to have to entertain myself with the bottom of this wine bottle. Brb. I’ll be back when they stop pretending like being dumped is a strong foundation for building a relationship.

The Second Group Date

The second group date is going to involve something athletic and I know this because Becca shows up to the date wearing METALLIC GYM SHORTS. I think I finally know what Lincoln meant about being tested, because I’m starting to feel like her stylist wants to fight me.

Apparently this date is going to be a game of dodgeball and the guys have to train with small children before the big tournement. Why is there always at least one date where they exploit random children?

RANDOM CHILDREN: DO YOU THINK BECCA WANTS TRASH? NO? THEN RUN FASTER!!
ME: 

After a full 20 minutes of being emotionally abused by children, the guys have to participate in a dodgeball tournament. I’m giddy at the prospect of this bloodshed.

“That’s a bold strategy, Colton. Let’s see how it plays out for him” —All of America watching the dodgeball date

Hmm. I wonder if they will rebroadcast this episode on ESPN8 The Ocho…

Moving on to the cocktail party. My retinas are slowly imploding at the sight of Becca’s outfit. I just don’t even know where to look. Why are there so many sparkles? There are sparkles on her dress, her eyeshadow, and those godforsaken chokers. Is her aesthetic the floor of a Forever 21? I’m confused.

Okay, what do we think Colton is going to confess here? I feel like now would be a good time to announce the whole v-card thing, especially with the state of undress he’s currently in. His shirt is literally unbuttoned to his navel. I can only assume he’s trying to go for the “I’m not a regular virgin, I’m a cool virgin” vibe. That, or he’s going to spill the beans about Tia and wants to distract Becca with his cleavage.

COLTON: I had a relationship with Tia, and we didn’t have the time to fully connect once I realized she wasn’t going to be The Bachelorette, I bailed.

Colton claims he’s a virgin which means he does anal. He says he dated Tia. They had a “weekend together.” Tia looks like she does anal. Does that make it better, Becca?

^This shot of Colton reevaluating his life and his choices is eerily similar to me when I look at my bank statement on Sunday and realize that I was not the victim of fraud and those “suspicious” credit card charges are all me.

The Rose Ceremony

Becca starts getting ready for the rose ceremony and she’s acting shocked that men are selfish scumbags. She’s like “there’s been so much drama and they keep making it all about them!” WELCOME TO THE YEAR 2018, BECCA.

Okay, that speech was a low-key cry for help. Did anyone else notice that? Becca’s like “this week has made me realize that I should have checked into a convent instead. Anyway, let’s do the damn thing.”

ME AND ALL OF AMERICA: But are you, like, okay?

I guess that speech must have put the fear of God Chris Harrison in them. They’re tip-toeing around Becca like she might just say “fuck it” and get rid of them all. They’re even starting to treat her like she’s a human being and not just a means to their Instagram endorsement deal ends. 

Jordan starts taking off his clothes and it’s like, fucking finally someone gets drunk and attempts to ruin their life by the pool. I’ve been waiting for this for two goddamn episodes. God bless Jordan for taking one for the team and actually making this cocktail hour bearable.

David, the man who showed up dressed in a full-on chicken suit night one, is like, “Jordan is such a clown.” POT, MEET KETTLE CHICKEN.  

DAVID: Do you think it’s respectful to take off your clothes like that?
JORDAN: I’m rubber, you’re glue.
ALSO JORDAN: If we were to take an IQ test I’m certain I’d pass higher than you’d think a male model would.

Never change, kiddo. Never change.

Becca pulls Colton aside, and it’s clear she’s pissed that he betrayed her trust and played a game of “just the tip” with one of her closest ABC-approved friends. She keeps talking about how “angry” and “hurt” she is but TBH she’s just jealous that Tia banged one of the hottest guys in the house before she could. Colton will most certainly be staying. At least until she can revenge make out with him in front of Tia.

Moving on to the rose ceremony. I can’t decide what’s more iconic in Bachelor/ette rose ceremony history: Corinne showing up after a nap or Jordan showing up in his underwear and a fuzzy, pink towel.

Iconic.

Ricky, Trent (who the fuck was Trent?), and Alex all get sent home. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall when they have to explain to their bosses why they took an extended leave of absence only to get sent home before the guy who said “I’ve shown my fashion, I’ve shown my skin, what more can I do?” Also, Alex, save those tears for someone who gives a shit. Please. You are a tall, semi-attractive white man. You’ll be fine in this life.

Next week’s episode looks like it should be a dumpster fire for Becca. Here’s hoping I’m not just talking about her outfits. See you betches next week!

Images: Giphy (4); ABC (5); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1)

We open this week’s Summer House with Danielle narrating, only to say that she’s taking the weekend off for “job hunting.” Damn Danielle, only five weekends in and you couldn’t take the heat? Also, let’s take a second to talk about everyone on this show’s “jobs” because we started talking about it in the comments of last week’s Summer House recap. Namely, how NOBODY ON THIS SHOW (except for maybe Stephen) has one! Carl got fired, Lauren is basically an assistant/receptionist at age 29, Lindsay and Kyle “run their own businesses,” and Danielle is also job hunting? I know the market is tough and all, but c’mon y’all. Was it worth it? I love Summer House, but was it worth it to sell your soul and your career prospects for a third-tier Bravo show?

End rant.

I just remembered that last night I had a dream that Danielle and Carl started hooking up again, so I officially need a new job.

Anyway, we open at a “tech networking event” that looks like it’s held in one of the offices of a WeWork. Aka a fake networking event. That’s also for some reason held on the weekend? Also whoever called Carl out for his yellow teeth in the comments of last week’s Summer House recap would be happy to know that he got his teeth whitened.

Anyway, we open for real at a bar with Kyle and Amanda. Amanda is me on every date, being hungry af and not wanting to drink on an empty stomach. Kyle asks the bartender for the food menu and the bartender says the kitchen is closed. And that’s how you end up wasted and making out on a first date (see: Lindsay later this episode.) BUT THENNNNN Kyle says “this bar is like a reverse speakeasy.” DUN DUN DUNNNN. So they go towards the back and, what do you know, the kitchen is open!

I think I’ve been to this bar. It’s on like, 14th and 3rd Ave?

Amanda is like, “Don’t take this the wrong way but I never expected you to actually do something nice and thoughtful for me.”

Then Kyle gives Amanda a gift and it’s… a key to his apartment! We really are seeing a whole new Kyle.

Amanda: OMG Kyle!!! This is so sweet!!
Inner Amanda, probably: Ok but where’s my real Valentine’s Day gift?

Also I just noticed that if they film this show in the summer (hence the title Summer House), they literally just had Kyle and Amanda fake a Valentine’s Day date months in advance. I KNOW they said the word “Valentine’s” during this date. Ah, the magic of reality TV.

At the Summer House, Ashley shows up! I feel like she and Lauren look significantly less alike, maybe because they haven’t been spending every waking second together.

Lauren keeps telling Ashley that she and Carl are “friends” and she’s “just having fun.”

Sorry I know I always use that gif but there’s literally no other way to describe my feelings about this more accurately. Look, I don’t care what people do. I really don’t. I care if you lie about it. Don’t lie. Don’t act like the Cool Girl when you just smashed a cake in Carl’s face for conversing with another woman.

The fucking Wirkus parade strolls in, shrieking higher than the human ear can pick up. I’m writing this recap at 9am, and it is too damn early for this.

Ashley (I think, it’s a flurry of blonde in there) shows off her engagement ring, and the girls are like “Goals, Amanda, right? Goals.” Kyle looks like someone just murdered a puppy in front of him.

Carl walks in and says to Lauren, “You don’t need that much makeup.” Then, reading the room and the death glares he’s getting, goes “Uh I mean, you look fine. Wear however much makeup you want. Women should be paid as much as men.”

I will now transcribe Carl’s internal monologue while meeting Ashley:

FuckfuckfuckfuckSHITfuckfuckfuck

I’m going to enjoy watching Carl sweat all episode. Holy shit, Stephen is going IN. He calls Carl a fake, a liar, says everything out of his mouth is bulshit… y’all, Stephen is DONE.

Lindsay is going to invite out her fitness trainer “friend” who incidentally is my coworker’s boyfriend’s best friend. BRB, gonna go make a cup of tea because I will be SPILLING it later.

Amit keeps being mad that Stephen keeps saying “it’s the girls and the gays” and Amit is like “I’m here tho.”

All of us: …. right exactly.

I can’t believe that Lindsay invited a trainer friend to crash a bachelorette party just because she wants to hook up with the trainer. Except I literally can because I know people who would do that.

Back at the house after a night at a bar where Carl cock blocks all the girls in one fell swoop, Carl gets on a table and starts dancing and says that he has three nuts. Everyone is like “WAIT REALLY?” Lol like, can’t you just ask Lauren? Stephen literally asks Siri if someone can have three testicles!!! Bye. I’m crying.

Carl and Lauren go into the hot tub and everyone else decides to spy on them from the deck. Lauren comes up like “Carl, who are you texting? Your girlfriend Courtney?” And then Carl flips out and gets in her face like “DON’T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!” But then Lauren starts chasing Carl around the house. Then Ashley comes into the room with a watermelon (??) and smashes it on the ground in front of them and yells, “EAT IT BITCH!”

Eat it bitch. Three words that will live on in infamy.

Honestly, this is amazing. Clearly Lauren and Ashley are related when their first instinct is to smash food when they get angry.

Ashley says in her ITM, “This is exactly what I thought would happen. Lauren is left picking up the pieces, and where’s Carl?” Okay, don’t act like you did this on purpose as a fucking metaphor; you just got drunk and went ASHLEY SMASH!!!

I literally can’t even recap the conversation between Carl and Lauren because it’s so sad. Basically like Carl is like “Don’t make fun of me for talking to other girls” and Lauren is like “Guess what, Carl? Guess what? It hurts me when you talk to other girls.” And Carl is like “K.” Now I get why Ashley acted so psycho and controlling on last season’s Summer House—if my sister was out here on reality TV acting too desperate to function, I would also want to slap the shit out of her.

The next morning Stephen asks Ashley if she remembers smashing the watermelon, and she’s like “Look, I’m the sane one right now.” Are you??? At least we FINALLY get shots of Stephen shadily eating SkinnyPop.

That side-eye is so beautiful.

The guys are going to an Aston Martin brunch. Kyle is wearing shorts and an open Hawaiian shirt. Amit is wearing an all-green suit. What is the attire of this event?

Back in the city, Danielle is on a very fake phone interview with Capital One. She’s trolling the internet while on this phone interview, which just seems like a poor choice.

At this party, Carl and Amit are shit talking Stephen. Hmph. I mean, to be fair, I don’t think Stephen likes Amit so I mean yeah I guess Amit has a right to feel some type of way.

Back at the house, the girls are drunk in the pool when Nick, the trainer, walks in. Watching Lindsay talk about him is very cringey. This workout is a bigger charade than Nick and Lindsay’s “relationship.” It’s like, “Ok everybody, do one push-up! Great job, now go drink some rosé.”

Lindsay is every delusional dater: “I think there’s something bigger there and it would be an absolute shame if this date didn’t go anywhere.” You haven’t even gone out yet! How can you say that?

Lindsay and Nick show up to this near-empty restaurant, and I for one respect how out Lindsay’s tits are on this date. Nick is 25, yikes. Lindsay, don’t do it. He literally said “age is just a number,” spoken by every creeper in existence. She gets up to go to the bathroom and like Spider-Man kisses Nick and I just cringed so hard I melted into my couch.

Stephen and Carl sit down for dinner, and it’s so awkward. Stephen is alluding to “something” that happened over the winter that’s been “growing like a tumor” inside him.

Stephen: Usually when a friend burns me, I can replace ya.

Same.

Stephen: This is like the Bates motel, there’s not much vacancy here. If I need to take you in the shower and clear that space, I will.

So like while I love murder analogies as much as the next girl, the whole thing about the Bates Motel was that they had a lot of vacancies because it was a creepy motel in a remote area where nobody wanted to stay.

Back at the summer house, Lindsay is laying on the bed wearing cat ears for some inexplicable reason? IDK. I feel like day drinking and then going on a date is a recipe for disaster. I also just saw Lindsay’s entire ass and possibly her vulva, which I did not need to see.

Nick sneaks out in the morning with his medicine ball and resistance band in one hand. That’s a vibe.

Amanda is talking about how Kyle is “all talk and no rock”… haven’t you guys been dating for a year at most? It is too soon. *says the girl who is perpetually single and only meets psychos*

Stephen and Ashley basically initiate a three-way call attack with Carl, only it’s in person. That seems like an odd strategy, bringing someone Carl hates to confront him about your friendship.

Actual footage of Carl walking in:

Stephen says some shit and Carl is like “I appreciate you saying that and I want to try to make it better.” Stephen is like “this is the speech I’ve heard” and Ashley is like, “Honestly, Carl?” Ashley, this isn’t about you! Keep your mouth shut!

Stephen brings up that Carl apparently said that the best head he ever got was from a guy. Honestly, I fail to see why that would end somebody’s friendship, but I guess we’ll have to wait until next week’s Summer House.

Hi everyone, sorry this recap is late but either the weather change or my inability to drink fluids that aren’t of the fermented grape variety got me very sick. Lucky for you, I chased my DayQuil with a few glasses of Merlot and I’m feeling like a new woman.

So let’s review—last week, no matches continued to take a giant shit on this game. Zoe expressed the weirdest interest in Kareem, even though he’s all about Alivia and like, fucking unhinged. Also, there were condiments spread on Nurys’ nipple and licked off by a low budget live-action Johnny Bravo. Okay cool, we’re all caught up.

AT THE HOUSE

Malcolm and DD are all over each other now that Nurys brought the fuckin pantry to her lady bits. Malcolm’s like “DD knows just how to get me to move on!!” Oh, I’m sure she’s got some perfectly respectable methods.

Nurys thinks DD is a rebound, DD thinks she’s the love of Malcolm’s life, and I think they both are morons. Like seriously, what do you guys see in this dude besides the fact that he could pass as a Jason Derulo impersonator at a male strip club?

Dimetri and Nicole are cuddling and Dimetri literally only likes her body. Like seriously, he says that. On national television. What a guy.

Nicole is like “I love taking care of people that are immature” and it’s like, okay so go work at the Boys & Girls Club? The fuck.

Alivia acknowledges that even though she’s with Kareem, she “specifically requested a dumb Italian guy,” and apparently that guy is Keith. Who knew Keith is Italian? I feel like he’s def the redheaded stepchild of the Italian family. Keith looks like a poor man’s Chris Pratt—not Pauly D.

Kareem watches Alivia talk to Keith and is like “I’m a cute kind of jealous. When you are polite to someone else it’s like, NO FUCK THAT BE POLITE TO ME YOU DUMB BITCH. See, it’s cute.”

The girls are like, “we’ve been wanting to do a lingerie party for so long!” and it’s like, yeah cause y’all are hoes.

Dimetri immediately starts making sexual comments to every girl in the room, because ya know, that always works out. He’s like “I like Nicole but I really wanna fuck every girl here.” Ugh it’s such a bummer every time he opens his stupid fucking mouth. Like, do you hear yourself, like when you speak?

Nicole is openly pretty fucking pissed and Dimetri is like “what, I’m just playing?” which is the trademark of fuckboys universally. Dimetri is like “I have no filter and people think I’m a flirt” and it’s like, uh you literally just said you wanna fuck other girls.

DIMETRI: **says he wants to fuck other girls**


NICOLE: You said you want to fuck other girls


DIMITRI: THIS IS FAKE NEWS

Zoe goes to move in on Kareem and they start grinding on each other, which Alivia is supposedly fine with. She’s so fine, in fact, that she’s going to hang out with Keith upstairs, because like, it’s fine. Idk how this chat even takes place when Keith can barely put a fuggin sentence together.

Kareem tells Zoe that when he originally came into the house, he was interested in her. Uh huh, oooookay. Of course Zoe buys that stupid shit and they start making out in the closet. I honestly feel like this house is just a combo of closets, showers, and the boom boom room.

Zoe legit starts bouncing around from person to person telling them how her and Kareem made out. Damn Zoe, I remember when I got my first kiss. Couldn’t keep your mouth shut for a fuckin’ second?

Keyana’s moral compass seems to appear out of nowhere and she decides that it’s pretty fucked up of Kareem to do that. She tells Keith, Alivia, and Tyler what Zoe told her. So like, again, this is kind of Zoe’s fault. Just making sure we’re all on the same page.

Alivia goes outside to see wtf is up and sees Kareem and Zoe in the pool, hanging all over each other. She gives him the universal “go fuck yourself” thumbs up and then runs into Keith’s Italian arms where he whispers sweet nothings of raviolis and “when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amoreeee.”

Nicole tells Kareem that Alivia knows about the kiss and he’s like “how could this be?!” as Zoe slowly tries to drown herself in the pool.

Kareem gets super mad at Keyana, even though, say it with me, it’s really not her fault. Kareem starts yelling at Keyana and Tyler steps in and is like, uh you did this? Kareem and Tyler start shoving each other and tbh I’m feeeeeeling Tyler rn. If this doesn’t get him laid in the house, idk what will.

Security comes in to separate shit while Kareem continues to lose his fuckin mind. Zoe’s like “I feel so dumb” and it’s like, well sweetie, *pats her on the head* that’s cause you are.

Kareem and Clinton are having a heart-to-heart about how Kareem made a pretty massive fuckup. Clinton drops some Jesus knowledge on him and is like “yo you’re mad at yourself, not Keyana or Tyler.” What bible verse is that?

Uche and Clinton go on a mini date and talk about how they are moving super slow and they love it. I mean, they need to save room for the holy spirit in their life. Clinton likes that they are respectful and not fucking losers like the rest of them. Honestly, I’m rooting for you two Jesus freak virgins.

TRUTH BOOTH

Real question—do any of these girls own bras?

Anyway, Zoe talks about making out with Kareem and Alivia starts crying. Kareem finally admits he may have done something wrong, like maaaaybe. Alivia swears she can’t get back with Kareem anymore even though we all know that’ll last for like, three days.

After making a girl cry, Terrence J is like “ALRIGHT time for the truth booth!!!!” I love how MTV picks hosts who have like, no soul.

Dimetri and Nicole to the truth booth and it’s not a surprise that they aren’t a match. It was such an anti-climatic truth booth, I’m not even going to waste another sentence on it.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

While the girls are trying to talk strategy, the Shad is trying to figure out how to exist in this world without looking like a complete fucking idiot. Both situations are a lost cause.

The Shad’s like “girls say I’m being a dick but they are really into me”, which I honestly imagine is probably true. I can’t even really argue with that. Know yourself, know your worth.

Audrey decides to be bold and have a simple conversation with Shad. That conversation literally just becomes her repeating “I hate you” to Shad, which is pretty reasonable.

She’s like “I don’t want to be 100% into Michael because love isn’t real on this scripted show.” What? Who said that?

MATCH UP CEREMONY

It’s the girls’ turn to choose and if they fuck this up, the men are going to do what they do best and hold the mistake over their heads until the end of time.

THE DUDES: But, her emails!!!!!!

Alexis is first and picks Dimetri. Keith rolls his eyes because he knows that no one can handle Alexis’ crazy ass but him—and honestly idk if that’s a good or bad thing.

DD is up next and we’re all like, okay she obviously is picking Malcolm, right? She decides to pick Kareem—wtf. Everyone is like, why are you this way??

Joe, the weed farmer, is like “they are so fucking stupid I can’t take them seriously,” which is what I’ve said about every new pledge class in my sorority.

Zoe picks Joe, whose hair is longer than mine. Joe’s honestly one of the prettiest lesbians I have ever seen, wow.

Uche picks Clinton, duh.

Audrey’s up next and goes on about how much she likes Michael and how he broke down her walls, etc. but then picks Shad, who turns her stomach.

Audrey explains that the girls are not listening to their heart, but just kinda randomly selecting their matches.

AUDREY: We figure, why not? Take a crazy chance? Why not? Do a crazy dance? If you lose the moment, you may lose a lot. So why not?


THE GUYS: Isn’t that a Hilary Duff song?


AUDREY: This is fake news.

Jada picks Tyler, even though I’m pretty sure she could beat him up.

Keyana picks Anthony.

Nicole picks Ethan, which is good because SOMEONE LOVE ETHAN.

Geles picks Michael.

Keith is watching the match up ceremony and is like “I took statistics in college and this doesn’t look promising.” He acts like he’s a fucking Stanford alum mathematician. Keith, your remedial math class at Oklahoma State doesn’t count.

Nurys picks Keith.

Which leaves Alivia and Malcolm.

Terrence J asks Alivia about the Kareem situation and she’s like “I expected this from every other dude but not Kareem.” #NotAllMen

Thankfully for them, they don’t black out. They get 3 beams. Which isn’t good, but isn’t bad either. Kind of what I imagine hooking up with Shad would be like.

Back at the house, Kareem is talking to Alivia and is like “me fucking up makes me love you more!!!” Not entirely sure how that works out, but k.

Alivia is like “I need time to figure this out” and it’s like, you’re not doing amazing, sweetie.

Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast and it’s hilarious. Listen & subscribe here!

Well fam, we did it. We made it to the finale of Bachelor in Paradise and all it took was one sex ed class from Chris Harrison, a crudely mishandled sexual assault allegation, the downfall of Dean, and more scallop jokes than were really necessary. BUT WE FUCKING DID IT. I feel like I’ve aged 20 years in the process and my liver has definitely taken a hit here, but I guess I’ll do anything for The Bachelor cause to watch reality TV rejects fornicate on a Mexican beach, even if it jeopardizes my health and wellness. It’s important to know yourself.

Side note: I have now convinced my roommate—and her German friends from out of town staying with us this week—to watch this show. I’m really making strides with US-German relations here. Just call me a fucking ambassador.

Anyway, the episode starts with Chris Harrison emulating my mother when she inquires about my love life at massive family gatherings asking the remaining cast members to define their relationships. He’s really taking his responsibility as host to the next fucking level.

^^Actual footage of Chris Harrison in Paradise rn

Dean looks legitimately terrified at the thought of marriage even though barely three months ago he was going to PROPOSE to Rachel. Whatever.

Lol I love how Chris just dips after dropping this truth bomb. Like, if you want to stay in Mexico and have semi-decent accommodations with free WiFi and actual walls for your room then you’ll need to 100 percent commit to this person you’ve been dry-humping all summer. Can’t wait to watch these people implode under that kind of pressure.

So let me get this straight. Basically their choices are: go on a date to figure out what they are, leave as a couple, or get engaged? That’s what you’re telling me rn? ABC, have you SEEN the men you forced these dime pieces to socialize with? Have you?!

Jesus Christ. I rest my fucking case.

Lacey is the first one on the chopping block to be vulnerable. She asks Daniel if he’ll go on this date with her so they can continue to see where this blight upon humanity relationship goes. I’m watching this whole interaction and all I can think is, Daniel has all the makings of someone that should be attractive but yet instead makes me want to rip my fingernails off and claw my eyes out with the bloody stumps. Ya know?

LACEY: I’m really, really, REALLY desperate enjoying my time with you. Will you go on this date with me?

DANIEL: I’m not done with you yet. You still haven’t seen the fireworks in my pants.

ME: 

Jack Stone goes next. He pulls Christen aside and asks her to be his girlfriend because apparently this is the eighth fucking grade. Seriously though, am I watching Bachelor in Paradise or an episode of Degrassi? It’s honestly hard to tell.

JACK STONE: I want to leave Mexico holding hands with you.

CHRISTEN: lol

Wow this conversation is not going well at all. Jack Stone keeps bringing up the hand holding thing and Christen looks genuinely alarmed that he thinks he can even breathe the same air as her once they get back to the States.

“Does he think we have a love story?” — Christen for the fucking win right here.

*slow claps* That’s it, I’m team #ScallopFingers forever. Honestly, I’ve never been more proud of a virgin who can’t drive.

My German friend after sitting through barely 15 minutes of this show: I thought there’d be more nudity.

Honestly, you’re not wrong. Same.

Adam and Raven decide to also go on the date. Adam looks shook that anyone would want to sleep with him. Aw, Adam, give yourself some more credit! All Raven’s got to compare you to is Nick!

It’s Dean and D-Lo’s turn to DTR and I don’t know if emotionally I can handle watching these two life ruiners ride off into the fucking sunset for a happy ending. I just don’t know if I can stomach it—WAIT. Did he just dump D-Lo?? FOR KRISTINA?? 

I. AM. SHOOK.

Dean keeps talking about how he fucked up and he misses Kristina and all I can think is:

Side note: Does Danielle L have butterflies tattooed on her the backs of her ankles? She does, right? And it’s all starting to make sense now.

Last but certainly least, we have Amanda and Robby, a couple I do not give one single shit about. They have their talk and Amanda completely breaks down at the thought of having to spend the rest of her life with Robby and his Instagram followers. And, like, same girl. That sounds terrifying.

ROBBY: I just don’t understand. Why would you do this?

AMANDA: Honestly, this was just a paid vacation away from my kids. Don’t push it.

THE FANTASY SUITE DATE

The three remaining couples sit down with Chris Harrison and are told that this isn’t just any date they’ll be going on, but a fantasy suite date. So no more dressing in drag or hot tamale eating contests, the cast members will actually have to, like, connect with one another tonight. Wow. This show is wild.

Everyone pretends to be shocked by this news but, like, let’s not pretend that y’all haven’t been screwing on sand dunes all summer long. Please.

Lacey professes her love for Daniel and he’s like, “yes let’s make this Facebook official.” And they say romance is dead. Tbh this is the first time I haven’t been completely disturbed by Daniel’s presence. You’ve really changed him, Lacey.

Next we get to see Derek and Taylor’s date even though I completely forgot that these two were on the show. They’re really making lasting impressions here. Taylor says something about needing to emotionally and spiritually connect with Derek bang him before they can pursue something more serious.

GERMAN FRIEND: Did I get the language right? Did she just say if the sex is good they can officially date?

Yes, yes you did.

Adam and Raven have their date and Adam pops the fantasy suite question. You can literally see Nick and his sexless turtleneck flash before Raven’s eyes. She’s v nervous about saying yes to the fantasy suite because she can’t fake an orgasm be vulnerable one more time.

AFTER THE FINAL TEQUILA SHOT ROSE

Okay this segue from Raven and Adam’s date to the tell-all portion is really throwing me off. I’m feeling v confused rn. Did  Raven sleep with Adam? Why is this a cliff hanger? Who is responsible for cutting the footage of this episode?? ANSWER ME, ABC.

Of course the sexual assault scandal is STILL being talked about. Like we get it, ABC. You don’t want us to morally blame you for ruining two people’s lives for TV ratings. Your message is loud and clear.

Chris brings out DeMario and Corinne for the world’s most awkward reunion.

CHRIS HARRISON: So where do you go from here?

DEMARIO: Well I’m going to therapy.

CORINNE: I am also in therapy.

Thanks, ABC! I feel SO much better about these two now!! It’s good to know they’re doing so well!

Tbh I could give a shit about the rest of these losers but this whole Kristina-Dean-DLo thing?

They put Dean in the “hot seat” and he looks low-key terrified. Like he knows that every woman in the audience wants to castrate him rn. Side note: can Chris Harrison put other people’s exes in the hot seat? Asking for a friend…

They show the whole Kristina-Dean-DLo love triangle footage and it’s still super hard to watch. Hard to watch in the sense that if I continue to watching it I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Just saying.

DEAN: *sobs watching the montage*

GERMAN FRIEND: He is an actor, yes?

YES.

Kristina keeps talking about how she will always love Dean and blah, blah, blah. She will 100 percent still bang him after this.

Dean gives a very heartfelt speech about how he still loves Kristina. He’s tearing up, I’m tearing up. The more wine I chug, the more I’m willing to forgive Dean and give him another chance. Kristina is one lucky bitch. Dean is reformed. Dean is beautiful. Dean is perfect, no man will ever measure up to how amazingly Dean has proven himself toda—WAIT. Danielle L says the FIRST interesting thing she has ever said on this show when she calls out Dean for calling her an hour after leaving the show. One. Fucking. Hour. AND HE’S STILL TRYING TO GET WITH KRISTINA. 

That’s it. You’re done. Cancelled. See you in hell, Deanie Babies.

And because ABC likes to waste my time, they also bring out Robby and Amanda. They were supposedly dating outside of the show for Instagram likes but broke up because they “wanted different things.” Like, Robby wanted to respond to thots’ comments on Instagram and Amanda wanted to have a father figure free babysitter for her kids. 

Meanwhile Satan’s spawn the twins are desperately trying to stay relevant by butting in every three fucking seconds into Amanda’s breakup story. Robby apparently cheated on Amanda after the show and we know this because the twins kept the receipts and are ready to blow up his spot on national television. The twins are like that friend who will key your ex’s car even though you’re the one that got cheated on, not them.

Wait. The twins are me. I am the twins.

Now we get to move on to the actual couples. Daniel and Lacey did not make it past the fantasy suites. Apparently Daniel couldn’t pretend to like Lacey for more than five seconds after hooking up. In other news, the sky is blue.

CHRIS HARRISON: Why would you say you loved Lacey if you didn’t mean it?

DANIEL: *looks at Lacey* I said I loved you? When?

And just like that, I’m repulsed again. Goddamnit, Daniel.

So I guess Raven and Adam slept together? She looks like she actually had an orgasm too. Good for you, girl. I guess all it takes to find true love is a boob job an open mind and an open heart. 

Derek and Taylor prove that they are the strongest couple on this show. Derek. And Taylor. Let that sink in for a minute, k?

Whatever. I guess Derek has a big enough dick connected with her on a deeper level in that fantasy suite because they’re still in love and making it work long distance.

Taylor keeps talking about how “naked” and “vulnerable” Derek was that night and I 100 percent believe Taylor has a crying fetish. She clearly gets off on the tears of her lovers. Don’t try and tell me different.

The season ends with Derek proposing to Taylor. It’s all very staged sweet but honestly all I can think is “I really hope a twin comes out and says she slept with him.” Where’s a twin when you need one.

Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast and it’s hilarious. Listen and subscribe here! 
 

So, Real Housewives of New York City is still on a tequila binge in Tequila, Mexico and if you haven’t watched this episode yet, I’d highly recommend it. It will definitely make you feel better about every questionable decision you’ve ever made.

Anyway, the episode starts out with everyone talking about their boobs, which then results in everyone being naked and running around.

Carole: I bare my boobs for art. The rest of the girls bare their boobs for tequila. PS, I have the best boobs of the group. They’re real.

Ramona and Bethenny have a nice moment in the pool.

Ramona: I really like you
Bethenny: I’m a pretty cool person
Ramona: But I feel like you don’t like me
Bethenny: Well, I don’t like you right now

The conversation then turns back to the comments Ramona made about Bethenny being naked in the press and how that must have affected B’s daughter, Brynn. I would just like to note that Bethenny is literally ass naked during this conversation.

On the other side of the pool, Dorinda is trying to get a pants-less Sonja dressed.

Dorinda: It’s literally like trying to put a bikini on a piece of spaghetti.

Anyway, back to Bethenny and Ramona. They’re literally screaming (slurring) and crying in the pool and there are little nude-colored pixel square censors over Bethenny’s boobs. I actually feel like I’m watching two Sims fight right now. The conversation ends with them making up, but we all know they’ll end up picking another fight soon.

Sonja’s still super drunk and asks Bethenny if she’ll have sex with her, but B isn’t down.

Bethenny: I’m sorry. You’re barking up the wrong vagina.

Bethenny is the first one at dinner again and she’s pissed because she always shows up late to shit and is still somehow the first one there. SAME, B.

Obviously, everyone’s been blacked out for a few days, so there are like, five separate arguments brewing. Dorinda starts yelling at Bethenny and so Bethenny and Tinsley start running around her and it’s just a mess of slurring and dancing. It’s truly beautiful.

Then, in the middle of Tinsley apologizing to Ramona (apparently this is just the episode where everyone’s going to black out and apologize like a bunch of drunk girls in a club bathroom becoming best friends), the women start to hear fireworks and all immediately stop their conversations and run outside to stand under the fireworks and scream. However, during the fireworks, Dorinda is concerned because she cut her hand.

Dorinda: I cut my hand off.
Bethenny: Do not give me a psychoanalysis.
Dorinda: I gave you a psychoanalysis about your life?
Bethenny: I keep getting into fights with these wasted blondes. It’s like, they have all this resentment about my success.

Me:

Is this just like, a giant war between blondes and brunettes? Isn’t that what Gossip Girl was for? Didn’t Serena and Blair teach us that party girl blondes and power-hungry brunettes all have their own great qualities and don’t need to compete with one another? Like, hello, this is 2017! Women don’t need to be competing with one another, they’re supposed to be obsessed with each other and leave the fire emoji on each other’s Instagram posts. Duh.

The next morning, the women are getting ready to go to yoga and Ramona decides to fill Luann in on all the ~dramz~ she missed.

Ramona: I had a great talk with Bethenny last night. We bared our souls (read: tits) to each other. It was good.
Luann: Until you screw it up again. *signature insane Luann laugh*

There’s a lot of awkward tension between Dorinda and Bethenny. Dorinda basically doesn’t think she needs to apologize for last night, because she was too blackout to remember. Instead of an apology, she’s basically like “whatever, I was drunk.” And instead of understanding the fact that sometimes when you drink tequila for multiple days straight, you say things you don’t mean, Bethenny is super pissed.

Sonja’s in a super good mood, which is making her really tired.

Sonja: I’m so exhausted from being happy!

Again, me:

Then Dorinda pulls Bethenny outside to apologize and Bethenny pulls off one of the greatest humble brags of all time. She starts crying and talking about how hard it is to be so successful because she doesn’t want to sound like she’s gloating all of the time. She’s truly a modern day Gretchen Wieners.

Bethenny: I have an emotional hangover. I’m back to being the crier.

I am TOTALLY going to use that line sometime in the very near future.

Everyone is getting massages and relaxing and boating and shit-talking.

Tinsley is on a boat planning a party to say thank you, but also fuck you, to Sonja for letting her live with her for a few months.

Carole says that she’s good at fishing even though she’s not good at very many things. If anyone wants to take a quick back-read through some of my recaps from this season and fish out all of the times Carole bragged about being good at something outdoorsy, but then complained that she’s not outdoorsy the next episode, please be my guest.

Surprise, surprise, Carole didn’t catch a fish so they go grab one from a market to pretend that she did. They even take a picture with the fish to make it look like Carole caught it. Of course, Luann isn’t buying it and assumes the captain caught it or something.

Finally, it’s the last night and everyone’s waiting for someone to fuck it all up.

Bethenny: I think to end this trip, somebody should be killed. It’s weird if we all go home too happy. I need my frenemies back.

Now that’s a woman that has her priorities straight!

For the last night, the women all go out to dinner and Tinsley is the drunkest one this time. It’s basically just more drunk yelling.

Luann: Tinsley, you should stop saying the F word so much because we’re at a restaurant.
Tinsley: Well, you say Palm Beach all of the time and it’s actually West Palm, soo… it’s West Palm, so whatever.

I can’t tell if that’s the best or worst comeback I’ve ever heard.

Anyway, next week is the season finale and I really hope they’re not all too hungover to make it interesting.

It’s a sad, sad day for Summer House lovers—all 17 of us. Last night marked the finale of the show, and I for one hope it gets renewed for a second season. I might be the only one. But that’s okay. For now, let’s reminisce and get into this recap.

This narration by Kyle is a STRETCH. “Lauren and Carl met the first weekend and fell in love.” Kyle of all people should be well aware that fucking =/= being in love.

Kyle: For me the summer was all about figuring out if I’m ready for a relationship.

Inner Kyle: Which we all know the answer is no.

We open on Kyle and Amanda’s confrontation.

I just think it’s laughable that Kyle is only admitting to “kissing” other people. Like, Amanda, if you think he only kissed these girls you need professional help for this level of delusion. I buy that just about as much as I buy Nick and Vanessa’s relationship will last. Shameless plug to the Bachelor finale recap!

Kyle: I’m just being 100% honest with you because I don’t want to disrespect you.

Another way to not disrespect the woman you’re trying to date is by refraining from making out with randoms ON CAMERA. Pro tip!

Kyle is just trying to “figure himself out” just like every girl in your sorority who travels through Europe after graduation.

Kyle: *goes off for 10 minutes about how much of a fuckboy he’s been* but it all makes me realize… I want to be in a relationship with you.

Kyle’s been watching too many romantic comedies. This shit doesn’t work in the real world. It can’t, right?

And after 10 episodes, Amanda has finally found her dignity! She is like “I don’t need this” and walks off. YAS. GET IT. And by “it” I mean “respect.”

Ashley: I’m going home after this weekend so whatever happens this weekend, it’s done.

I’m still trying to make sense of that sentence. Tune in next season, when I may finally figure it out.

Lauren is saying how the clock is against her and Carl like they don’t both live in the same city. This is not summer camp, you guys can still hang out after this is over. You know that, right?

I feel like Kyle is only Cristina’s ally because he doesn’t give enough of a fuck about anything to get involved in drama that doens’t affect him personally, and not out of any sort of loyalty. 

Everett sits Lindsey down and is like “the past few months have tested the fabric of our relationship” but your relationship only began a few months ago. So…?

Everett sat her down and had this scary talk to basically confirm that he still wants to move in with her? What was the point of that? Oh right, ratings. 

Lindsey: What am I gonna do, move in and move out when we fight and then move back in?

THAT’S EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDN’T MOVE IN!!! Has nobody brought this up?

Where can I get one of those rosé cocktails in a mason jar? Jello shots out of a syringe = goals. 

What is this random Walmart-brand Fifth Harmony?

LMAO this is so terrible. I’m all for team lip sync. Kyle, you’re wasted, so it’s understandable you can’t tell when people are mouthing over a back track. Just let the girls have this.

Why is Kyle taking it so personally that Cristina said those performers were lip syncing? Why was THAT the straw that broke the camel’s back? Did he personally hire this group or something?

Cristina: You just hurt two people who really care about you.
Kyle: I’m done with you and me.

Well I’m glad they weren’t both just overly dramatic. Congrats, you just ended a friendship over lip syncing. New high.

Carl: This summer has made Lauren and I better friends and better communicators.

Translation: I will never be this girl’s boyfriend.

Carl: I want to focus on tomorrow, not yesterday. We have so much fun together.

Please see the above translation and multiply that by five.

Stephen and Ashley looking on in disgust is me when I see any type of PDA.

Ashley is basically like “It’s the last weekend of this house so I’m just gonna stop wasting my energy trying to break this up.” Well, that’s one way to mind your own business.

I love that Cristina came in with the receipts of the definition of meddling. Like, sorry, #UnpopularOpinion time, but I don’t think exposing someone’s bullshit to the person they’re trying to hide it from is meddling. Don’t hate the player, hate yourself for doing something that warrants being exposed.

The night concludes in a much-needed white girl twerking break.

Ashley: Even though I’m married I can hang. I can totally hang.

Also Ashley:

Amanda isn’t feeling well and Kyle’s like, “You need food. You need nutrients. I can’t be all that.” I don’t have any real commentary other than that Kyle thinks he could be considered nutrients.

Carl cut and run in the middle of a conversation at the bar last night. That is kind of professional level fuckboyatry. Fuckboyatry, noun, the act of being a fuckboy, coming soon to Webster’s dictionary.

AND HE COMES BACK WITH A RANDOM GIRL! Wow, I am like not really shocked. More like impressed at this level of wizardry. I can’t even lie to my parents when they ask if I’m going on a date…how do you do that??

Behold, the smoking gun camera glare:

BUSTED.

YAS of course King Stephen saw Carl sneak that girl out in the morning.

Stephen: I honestly can’t wait to see the fallout from all this. *eats from a giant bag of popcoorn*

I am cackling. Can Stephen just get his own spinoff show? STEPHEN’S HOUSE. I think I speak for all 17 fans when I say we’d totally watch it.

Kyle: Hey Carl, thanks for being douche level times 1,000 so I look like a good guy in comparison.

I mean, Kyle is not wrong… and this is why I don’t date. Okay, Dad??

Cristina’s pulling an Angelina and leaving the Jersey Shore Summer House early. Everyone’s just sitting there quietly sipping their drinks while Cristina talks about how nobody likes her. Womp.

I’m so glad that Cristina grabbing the giant bottle of rosé and leaving was not pre-planned at all. Still, I appreciated that obviously scripted moment.

Everyone’s just like “meh, wanna go get lunch?”

I actually respect Ashley’s ability to not say “I told you so” to Lauren. Because I thought she’d be all over that.

Carl is hungover and feels like shit and calls a doctor. If that ain’t karma I don’t know what is. But honestly, if you have to get an IV to deal with a hangover you’re the biggest pussy on the planet. But also like, can I get one?

Oh wow we’re really gonna bring Lindsey’s mom into this. Wow, Bravo. That’s fucked up. What won’t you do for ratings?

Well that was obviously extremely underwhelming for Lindsey, which is typically what happens when you call an estranged family member out of the blue after not talking to them for eight years.

Stephen: I’m excited to endure the torture of dating in New York City.

^New Tinder bio.

This confrontation between Lauren and Carl is like, pretty anticlimactic. Lauren is just done.

GO LAUREN. REJECTING CARL. It only took 10 episodes for her to grow a spine but at least she’s not Amanda better late than never. Feminism seems to be the theme of this episode. I am living for it.

Ok Lauren, you had your moment of pride. You don’t need to sit here and psychoanalyze Carl and tell him he’s self-sabotaging. Just take the high road, take your W, and go.

Their last dinner. Their last hurrah. I may or may not be tearing up a little as I watch this.

I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING.

Lindsey: Carl and Lauren have a connection. When Carl flirts with me I just melt a little.

….huh?? When was this about you?

*Resisting the urge to Urban Dictionary “hot Carl”*

Kyle gives Amanda flowers … uhhh that’s kind of sweet I guess.

The night ends how I thought it would: with a gratuitous skinny dipping scene.

In the morning Amanda is like to Kyle, “I just don’t want you to think everyone’s back to normal.” Kyle’s face is like, “Bitch, you ain’t see the flowers I bought you?”

Ughhhhh after all that shit Amanda wants to be with Kyle. Other people’s happiness only makes me more despondent. Hi, I’m Sgt. Olivia Betchson and I’m dead inside.

Alright I don’t need to recap this 10-minute goodbye scene. Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. To the fans: It’s been real writing these recaps; I can only hope they’ll do another season so I get to do it all again. To all the cast members who read my recaps: thanks for the love and I promise I will turn all of you into a meme at some point. To the ones who didn’t: Who do you think you are? This show is nothing without my recaps. I like, invented you.

Until next summer. HAGS.

Well, it’s Wednesday night and I’m a bottle of wine in. It’s time to love myself like that Hailee girl told me to and turn on some Are You The One?. Because nothing is better for your self-confidence then to watch other people fail. Miserably.

Last year Sam’s mom got in touch with me and this year it’s Gianna’s brother. Who will be next to defend their loved ones on the recaps? Carolina’s great aunt? Stay tuned!

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Shocker, they all start binge drinking. Can’t wait to see how much weight they all gain by the end of the season.

Little Mike is talking to Casandra about all the things he likes to do. These hobbies include taking long walks on the beach, gelling his hair and taking a daily measurement of his penis. His growth spurt is coming, okay?!

Casandra literally looks like a bobblehead and is like OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

Little Mike: I LOVE LAMP

Mike wants to get to know Cas but also low-key hates her for having a family and being #blessed. He legit calls her a daddy’s girl to her face and she’s not even phased. He starts talking about how his mom is broke and his dad is crazy and I’m like, woah, did I change the channel accidentally to This Is Us? This shit is way too heavy for me rn.

If I could describe the house in three words that they all could understand it would be: Drunk. Horny. Stupid. In that order. Because they aren’t planning on getting a real job any time after this, they decide to throw an underwear party.

Ozzy is like “Kathryn is very sexy, idk what it is about her that I like.” He says as she grinds on him in her underwear. Hmmm, I wonder what it could be that makes you like her?

They start making out and he tells her that tomorrow is his birthday. So obviously she has to have sex with him because of THE IMPLICATION. (Name that reference and I will marry you.)

Tyler and Taylor are both like “hey this underwear party is fucking gross” and I’m like FUCK YA TEAM NORMAL PEOPLE. 

Tyler is like “everyone is acting trashy and I’m trying to better myself.” Woah, ok. Profound. Tyler def got lost on the way to Jeopardy auditions and ended up on AYTO. Either that or he’s a fucking narc.

Apparently nothing makes Tyler’s dick harder than belittling the people you live with and he starts making out with Taylor. Overall, v hot couple.

Then the camera pans out to literally everyone just hooking up. Are You the One?, brought to you by Trojan Condoms.

THE GAME

The game starts with everyone being blindfolded and the boys tied up, which is coincidentally also the first scene of Fifty Shades Darker.

The girls have to smell the guys and untie the one they want to take on a date. Because that’s normal. The first three couples to finish go on a date.

The girls start sniffing and falling more than cokeheads at an EDM concert.

Kari has some big-ass eyes so every time she talks she looks fucking crazy. Actually, she kind of looks like me when I’m high but I’m pretending that I’m not high so I’m overly opening my eyes. Idk, just trying to create a visual. 

Kari’s like “I STUDIED NEUROSCIENCE ONCE IN COLLEGE, PHEROMONES ARE REAL.” Yeah, no one said they weren’t…#Science.

KARI: This one time, in my neuroscience class

Kari picks Joey the trashman, who I thought smells like shit but I guess not.

Hannah picks Tyler and is like “wow, this blindfold makes it so hard to see. I totally respect blind people.” Wow, I’m sure blind people everywhere feel so fucking complimented. Like “look mom, that girl on TV understands my daily struggle for 3 minutes!”

They can still hear you being a dumbass, you know.

Alicia smells Andre because he, and I quote, “smells like Fritios.” This is like the cheapest advertisement Fritos has ever had. Also, Andre it’s time to get some new cologne.

Andre/Alicia, Joey/Kari and Hannah/Tyler all win and they are going to go windsurfing. Thrilling.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Gianna apologizes to Hayden for being a low-key bitch last week and he’s already well settled into his home on friendzone island.

Michael walks by and Gianna is like hanging on Hayden. Michael is very over it and Gianna is like HE’S MY MATCH I KNOW IT. Fuck, okay.

Kam and Eddie are flirting and being cute and idk I like them so they better not fuck this up for me.

MY MOM: I like the girl with the grey-ish, purple-ish hair
ME: Literally their names are at the bottom of the screen.

Carolina is very upset that Joey the trashman is going on a date with KARI (her name will be in all caps now because her eyes just make me feel some type of way). Carolina starts crying and she’s like “if you’re not my match what is my purpose?!” In the distance you can hear me screaming “IT’S WEEK TWO YOU DUMB BITCH.”

THE DATE

Andre is the only one who can windsurf and Hannah’s like “oh Daddy.” In the words of our President-Elect, everyone else is a bunch of losers. Huge losers! Failing at wind surfing! All talk, no action!

KARI is being really nice to Joey and saying he’s fun and she’s excited to be there and he’s like “ACTUALLY I’m into Carolina.” Woah. Okay, I know KARI may kind of look like Crazy Eyes but she seems nice and she’s actually being genuine. So in my drunken state rn I am very mad for her.

Joey has officially moved to my shit list. And I don’t even mean that because he’s a trashman. Where he quite literally has to pick up shit. Get it? I’ll see myself out.

Andre and Alisha seem to be getting along but IDK, they kinda act like little children. They talk a big game about how they are really into each other but I just can’t see it. And I’m pretty much a fucking expert at this show.

And none for Tyler and Hannah, bye!

THE TRUTH BOOTH

Andre and Alicia to the booth because the house isn’t fully brain-dead. Everyone Is like “THEY ARE SO STRONG! THEY’RE IN LOVE AFTER A WEEK.”

See, you say strong, I say fucking crazy.

And guess what, I’m right motherfuckers—NO MATCH.

Alicia starts crying and saying she doesn’t want to be here. Damn, okay then fly tf outta here, what?
  
Hannah is like “HEY I KNOW YOUR HEART JUST BROKE, BUT I’M GONNA GO AFTER ANDRE.” It’s all about the subtle game. Hannah, could you like, chill your hoe ass down for a sec?

Hannah and Andre are talking and he’s like “I knew we weren’t a match” and I’m everyone at home is like wait… you just told Alicia… man, that’s fucked up.

Andre and Hannah start making out because #drama.

Alicia starts flipping the fuck out and is like “YOU’RE A LIAR AND A FLIRTER AND A MINGLER!!!”

What’s a mingler? Just someone who mingles? I feel like that’s real nondescript. I’m going to need a full definition plz. DM me.

Andre’s like “THESE GIRLS ARE CATCHING FEELINGS!” Uh, it’s not just girls. Joey’s over here acting like a baby back bitch.

Hoes, am I right?

THE MATCHUP

The boys get to pick tonight and this ought to be a shit show because none of them strike me as scholars.

Oswaldo picks KARI. Random, don’t care.

Ozzy picks Kathryn because he wants that birthday sex. Ozzy’s like “she makes me feel like home.” Uh, Ozzy that’s because you are home. You’re a local, your house is like, down the street.

Jaylen picks Kam, fucking up the thing she had with Eddie.

Eddie picks Shannon, womp womp.

Derrick pity picks Alicia.

Hayden, who is sporting a pair of capris, picks Taylor. Obviously Taylor wants to be with Tyler so this is def a surprise. She actually says those exact words and Hayden has now purchased a summer home on friendzone island.

Tyler says something fucking stupid about how “Hayden is doing him a favor”? Idk his foot is so far up his mouth and Taylor’s like 3 seconds away from putting her foot in his ass. So much for team normal.

Andre picks Hannah. Alicia is like “IT IS WHAT IT IS” but also wants to murder Hannah.

Michael caves and picks Gianna. WTF.

Joey picks Carolina and they kiss because THEY ARE DUMB THAT’S WHY.

Mike picks Casandra because she’s his uptown girl.

Tyler picks Tee and they both are like, “Welp. Fuck me right?”

Okay, so this is sketch. Not looking so hot for them rn.

We’re waiting for beams and I’m drinking, thinking “no fucking way are they going to blackout. It’s only week 2.” But in the words of President-Elect: The polls were wrong! The experts were wrong! Sad!

And yes, THEY BLACKOUT.

They all lost half a million dollars. I’m laughing but it’s a nervous laugh because now they all are going to be on suicide watch or something.

Everyone has to deal with the fact that the person they are with is not their match. No Mike/Cas, Ozzy/Kathryn, Gianna/Michael, Joey/Carolina or Hannah/Andre. WOW. Major blow. I’m loving this.

A sad song starts playing and people start crying. Damn, this just got as depressing as Mike’s family life.