Well, everybody, we’ve made it to the final week of The Bachelorette. In keeping with the “unprecedented times”, ABC is breaking protocol and giving us fantasy suites and the finale in the same week. I’d like to think this is a gift to us for having to put up with Clare’s therapy sessions masquerading as dates, but we know better: they have to keep things moving in time for the premiere of Matt’s season. I’ll be filling in for my esteemed colleague Ryanne this week, so please be gentle in the comments. Let’s get to it!

We begin with Tayshia discussing the importance of the fantasy suite dates and her confidence in the final three. We then cut to Ivan, Brendan, and Zac being forced to sit together and allude to their potential future as eskimo brothers. It’s awkward AF and will be a running theme throughout the episode. Meanwhile, Tayshia has a forced Bachelorette synergy “girl chat” with JoJo. They’re really trying to make JoJo happen, huh? Despite Ed’s notes, Chris Harrison continues his practice of barging in on the men without even a courtesy knock. This time he tells them that they better be prepared to get down on one knee and propose.

Chris: If you’re not ready for an engagement, GTFO!
Brendan: 

And so begins Brendan’s mental spiral.

To my surprise, Ivan gets the first fantasy suite date. I personally love Ivan. He’s far and away my favorite of the three men, but he’s too pure for Tayshia and, arguably, this world. However, he tells us he did The Secret and manifested the first date. You go, Glen Coco Ivan! Zac is visibly pissed and Brendan looks like someone told him that it’s now a federal offense to wear turtlenecks. Zac reminds us that regardless of the men’s feelings about the other men, this is about Tayshia. Finally, a man who understands the concept of The Bachelorette!

Ivan’s Date

Just watching the way that Tayshia interacts with Ivan, it’s clear that he’s not the frontrunner in her mind. As if the lukewarm peck she gave him weren’t proof enough, we find out that their date is a f*cking ice bath. Now if that’s not a metaphor for her feelings for Ivan, I don’t know what is. “Are you excited?” she asks, with that pseudo British inflection she adopts when asking questions. Ivan smiles through the pain. This is the most unromantic concept for a date that I can possibly think of, especially one that’s designed to precede sex. The shrinkage alone! Rude, Tayshia. Rude. Even Big Paulie, who according to Chris Harrison is a “Bachelor Nation favorite” (sure, Jan), deems the effects of this date on Ivan’s prospects later on “devastating”. Slapping a potential “world record” on this turd of a date isn’t fooling anyone, Tayshia! You may as well have had an intern spray paint a football field on some cardboard with “Friend Zone” at either end.

Meanwhile, back at the house:

Brendan:

Zac seems to be handling things a little better. He gets the second date card and gives us his best Matthew McConaughey.

During the evening portion of Ivan’s date, he tells Tayshia he’s falling in love with her. She says she’s been falling for him too, but I’m just not feeling the sparks between these two. Their conversation doesn’t have much substance and basically consists of them parroting things back to each other. “I cried in front of you!” “I cried in front of you!” Apparently this is enough to take things to the fantasy suite, which in this case is an Airstream trailer that inside looks like it was designed by 2009 me after winning an Urban Outfitters shopping spree. I love a boho-chic moment, but this is not the mood for fantasy suites. This looks like it would be better for a Real Housewives girls’ trip (OC, obv). Apparently it had the desired effect, though, because they stayed up all night talking, according to Ivan. I don’t get the feeling they had sex. Maybe a little over-the-pants action, but nothing more.

Ivan returns to the house and recaps the date. Unsurprisingly, Zac and Brendan look pissed. Brendan, clearly a masochist, asks if they got any sleep. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to, Brendan! Ivan is apparently an emotional cutter as well because a producer told him to ask he asks what Zac’s date card said. Yikes.

Zac’s Date

The vibe on this date is completely different than the date with Ivan. Tayshia is straight-up giddy. The feeling is mutual for Zac and he tells us no less than 14 times that he can’t wait to EXPLORE Tayshia. Vom. That’s exactly what the guy you go on one Hinge date with tells you right before he never calls you again. Their date is body painting, which may as well be the polar (see what I did there) opposite of Ivan’s date. This date is essentially foreplay with colors. They slap on some paint and proceed to aggressively make out in front of the camera crew. Do they have no shame??

During the evening portion, they get into deeper topics, specifically, Zac’s stance on having kids. Zac says he realizes now that he does want to be a dad and he then proceeds to tell Tayshia that he loves her. The moment was really genuine, so much so that it moves Tayshia to tears and she says she loves him back. I can’t even be snarky, it was a lovely moment. This is what happens when you put age-appropriate men on this show!

They move on to the fantasy suite, and the set-up alone is another personal affront to Ivan. Zac and Tayshia get a whole-ass suite that looks much nicer than the “El Presidente” suite Tayshia’s been living in all season. The unmitigated gall of these producers to do Ivan so dirty!

Ivan watching this back:

The next morning, Tayshia and Zac are jumping on the bed like two toddlers hopped up on pixie sticks. Interestingly, Tayshia says in a confessional that Brendan has had her heart since day one. This should be interesting given Brendan’s sheer terror all episode. Zac returns to the house with a sh*t-eating grin on his face. Ivan remains mostly calm. Brendan looks…constipated.

Brendan’s Date

Brendan tells us that he’s worried about the prospect of getting engaged again so quickly after getting divorced. Brendan clearly didn’t get the memo on not telling producers about your biggest fears, lest they be exploited to the high heavens, and so his fate is sealed. The date is hosted by F*CKING NEIL LANE! Neil, apparently pissed he had to cobble together a ring for Clare with barely 24 hours’ notice, negotiated some more airtime for his tacky wares and so we need to endure this product placement we’re calling a “date”. A date like this would be torture for just about any straight male who’s been dating a woman for a matter of weeks, but for Brendan, it is hell on earth, and it shows.

Neil keeps telling Brendan not to get nervous, then proceeds to talk endlessly about engagements and weddings. As if this wasn’t anxiety-producing enough, they then FORCE BRENDAN TO TRY ON WEDDING BANDS! I swear his hands were shaking. These producers are laying it on thick. They’ve even got Neil Lane waxing poetic about how rings are circular (no sh*t) and that marriage is FOREVER, as if Brendan, who has been married before, doesn’t already know this. Is Robert De Niro going to pop out and tell Brendan he’s been admitted into Tayshia’s circle of trust, too?

This date is messy AF. I guess this is one way to test his appetite for a proposal at the end.

Brendan:

The night portion of the date doesn’t get any better. Unfortunately, Tayshia saved her best dress for this date. Brendan is…wearing a black T-shirt. Not a good sign. Tayshia brings up Brendan’s distance and he admits he’s been struggling with the idea of an engagement. He confesses that he’s still broken. It was raw and honestly heartbreaking. Tayshia doesn’t put up a fight and sends him home. She says he’s the one she pictured herself with at the end. I’m sure whoever she chooses will be thrilled to watch that back.

Tayshia and Rachel

We get a surprise appearance from Rachel, who looks stunning. As happy as I was to see Rachel again, I didn’t really understand why she was there. The conversation was pretty superficial at the beginning, until Rachel asks Tayshia about any regrets she might have. Then it became very clear why she was invited: to create an opening to talk about Ben, who is obviously going to pull a Bennett and come back to ask for another chance. To which I say:

The Rose Ceremony Ben’s Mea Culpa

The men are getting ready for the rose ceremony and Ivan’s look here was giving me major Drake vibes. I’m not mad about it. We then see a shot from the waist down of some bulging thighs in capri pants making their way up the path of the La Quinta, and it’s immediately clear that Ben has returned. He tells Chris Harrison that he shuts down when things are tough and he wants to resolve things with Tayshia.

Tayshia, meanwhile, has two roses left, and to symbolize this she has brought the girls out for the night. She looks gorgeous and is feeling good about her final two, so of course Ben has to swoop in and f*ck it all up! He knocks on Tayshia’s door and she looks THRILLED to see him. He confesses his love for her, admits that he blew it in the moment, and tells her he sees a life with her. Tayshia’s immediate response is to freak the f*ck out and run to her producer. Not a great sign, buddy! All I know is if she cuts Ivan for this clown I will have ABC’s head continue to loyally watch this train wreck. See you tomorrow!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (3)

Living in quarantine during coronavirus has us doing things we never thought we would: justifying our cleanest pair of joggers as formalwear, going without showering for days on end, and, god help us, confronting the horror that is our front-facing camera for the sake of human interaction. It’s hard not to feel like we’re living in the Upside Down. Watching this season of Vanderpump Rules is no exception. After years of happily laughing at Scheana’s scheananigans (sorry, had to), something shifted this season. Once hilarious, the constant jabs at her now just feel cruel. I never thought this would happen, but Scheana needs a champion, and I volunteer as tribute.

The Show Wouldn’t Exist Without Her

I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge our herstory. Had Scheana not had an ill-advised affair with Brandi Glanville’s ex-husband, we’d lack the crucial link that allowed Vanderpump Rules to spin off seamlessly from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Most people would be reluctant to openly own their role as mistress in an extramarital affair on national television. Scheana not only did this, but she took the heat (being called a “homewrecker” by Stassi seemingly every episode of season 1) and humiliation (never forget her gray tooth) with grace. She’s been carrying the show on her back ever since and has given us some of the most memorable storylines. Who can forget her quinceañera wedding featuring the iconic crop top wedding dress? Or her proclamation that Rob can hang a TV on the wall in under seven minutes? She’s also the only main cast member regularly interacting with the new sentient globs of hair gel cast members. She does all of this without complaint and laughs right along with us at her cringiest moments.

She’s Getting A Misogynistic Edit

Speaking of cringe, the editors have been portraying Scheana as f*ckboy man-hungry for several seasons since her divorce. And for a while it was pretty on point and funny, mostly because the editors were using Scheana’s own words to troll her. This season, new cast members like Max and Brett are piling on, and it’s no longer fun. It’s one thing to string together a masterful, symphonic compilation of the 97 times Scheana uttered the word “Rob” in season 6. But to allow two indistinguishable greaseballs who just arrived on the scene and have zero credibility to openly disrespect her on camera and call her “boy crazy” and “middle-aged” is a bridge too far. Off camera, Lisa has joined in and called her “desperate”, and an episode of Watch What Happens Live featured a “Desperate-O-Meter” to measure this alongside various clips of Scheana interacting with men. Meanwhile, Max goes from banging Scheana to Dayna to Vegas Baby Scheana in a matter of weeks and is now being inexplicably included in scenes with main cast members. It be ya own editors, which brings me to my next point.

She’s Being Portrayed As One-Dimensional

No one is denying that Scheana enjoys male attention and is clearly looking for a serious relationship, despite her claims otherwise. But that’s just one part of her and, unfortunately, it’s the only side of her the editors are allowing us to see. Throughout this season she’s brought up her egg freezing process and subsequent surgery, yet it’s constantly being minimized and reduced to a punchline. Her fellow castmates either barely acknowledge or ignore the subject when she brings it up. I can’t say I’m totally shocked, as self-involvement seems to be a prerequisite for getting cast on this show, but why aren’t the editors exploring this storyline a bit further? It’s incredibly relevant and relatable, as more and more women are delaying starting a family. And let’s not pretend we don’t have room for it in this trash heap of a season. If there’s airtime for LVP to hide her bra in Schwartz’s luggage, a funeral for a lizard who died by negligent homicide, and 12 episodes dedicated to Jax and Brittany’s Kentucky Fried Wedding, we could’ve delved into Scheana’s fertility journey a bit more. Then again, letting viewers see her as a complex woman balancing her dating life with her desire to one day have a family wouldn’t fit the narrative of Scheana as desperate psycho.

I love a good troll as much as the next Bravo fan, but Scheana’s treatment of late goes far beyond the fun shade we enjoy as viewers of Vanderpump Rules. It’s also tired at this point. She’s been the punching bag on this show for far too long, and it’s time we give her the respect she deserves. A couple of seasons ago I could have never imagined coming to Scheana’s defense, but hashtag it’s all happening.

Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; Tenor (3)

Any Real Housewives Bravoholic knows that our ladies are at their best when they go on vacation. Something about the change of scenery and being out of their element makes these already unhinged women go completely off the rails, and there’s beauty in the breakdown. But which trips deserve a spot in the top tier of the Real Housewives canon? Fortunately for you, I’ve done the lord’s work and broken down the most iconic trips in Real Housewives history. 

10. Hong Kong, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 7

This trip is a standout for two primary reasons. The first is Ms. Erika Jayne’s completely over-the-top “You don’t know what I deal with every night!” freakout at Eileen, which may be the most emotion we’ve seen from Erika, well, ever. The second is Lisa Rinna’s accusation that Dorit was doing coke in her bathroom at a recent party. It came completely out of left field and is totally may not be true, but cut with the producer’s footage from that night, was one of the realest moments we’ve seen on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And that’s saying something.

9. Whistler, Real Housewives of Orange County Season 8

Despite her demotion to “friend of” this season, there’s a reason that Vicki Gunvalson is the OG of the OC, and the cast’s trip to Whistler in season 8 is a perfect example. After Lauri accuses Vicki of having a threesome at an insurance conference, Vicki reacts in a way that can only be described as, “not well, bitch!” Vicki in full ski gear screaming “I HAVE NEVER BEEN WITH MULTIPLE PARTNERS IN MY LIFE!” will haunt me for the rest of my days.

8. Anguilla, Real Housewives of Atlanta Season 5

This trip cemented Kenya Moore’s status as one of the greatest Housewives of all time. Upon arriving in Anguilla, she somehow manages to take control of the boat and tells everyone to “hold onto your weaves!” She then proceeds to throw a tantrum at the hotel when she finds out her room does not have a bathtub. As if she hasn’t contributed more in this episode than the entire cast of Beverly Hills has in several seasons, she gets into an epic brawl with Porsha that culminates in her proclaiming, “I’m Gone With the Wind fabulous!” and twirling away. For that, I am forever indebted to her.

7. Marrakech, Real Housewives of New York Season 4

There were so many unforgettable moments on this trip. A fortune teller predicting (what we now know is correctly) that Mario was cheating on Ramona. The camel being so sick of the Countess’ pretentious bullsh*t that it tried to buck her off two separate times. The most Ramotional fit of crying ever to be seen on national television. And finally, Alex trying to confront Luann in her “Herman Munster shoes” like a “buffalo,” only to be thwarted by Kelly’s constant demands that she “re-enter” because she’s “not authentic” and Luann saying, “Go back to the cabinet you came out of, witch.” So good.

6. Lake George, Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 5

The Gorga-Giudice dynamic is arguably the most compelling part of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. The tension between the two families reached a pinnacle on the cast trip to Lake George in season 5. Melissa literally gets on her knees and begs Teresa to “stop hurting us!” Then, after accusing her brother of being disloyal, Joe Gorga calls Teresa “scum,” triggering an epic Battle of the Joes that leaves these two grown men wrestling on the floor and the venue forever stained with Joe Gorga’s black spray-on hair dye.

5. Turks and Caicos, Real Housewives of New York Season 7

Despite how insufferable Luann has been in recent seasons, I can never completely forsake her. This trip is the reason. Hungover and clad in a white bathrobe and sunglasses, Luann is confronted by Heather about an unattended naked man in their house. Luann simply responds, “Be cool. Don’t be all, like, uncool.” She gives negative f*cks and it is not just a mood, it is the mood. This star turn allowed Luann, who’d been demoted to “friend of” that season, to ascend right back to a full-time cast member the following season, where she rightfully belongs. I stan.

4. Amsterdam, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 5

If the women of Beverly Hills could give up the dog drama and channel some of the energy from the season 5 trip to Amsterdam, we’d be back in business. Brandi, who I sorely miss, slaps LVP. In another scene, Kim goes in on Rinna, implying that she knows something untoward about Rinna’s husband. Eileen tries to intervene, but Kim snaps and calls her a beast. Eileen summons her years as a storied soap opera star and responds with the perfect “Beast? How dare you.” Kyle literally flees the entire restaurant, too overwhelmed to deal even a little bit. And if that wasn’t enough, Rinna smashes a glass on the table. It’s heaven.

3. The Berkshires, Real Housewives of New York Season 8

They don’t call it the Berzerkshires for nothing. Though the ladies have been there several times now, this is the one that will go down in history. Bethenny mercilessly takes down Luann for sleeping around and not owning it, screaming “You f*ck EVERYONE!” and calling her every synonym for “slut” in the thesaurus. Just when we think things may finally calm down, Luann makes the fatal mistake of insulting Dorinda’s mom’s cake, sending Dorinda into an epic tirade that will live on in Housewives history: “I decorated, I cooked, I made it NICE!”

2. Cartagena, Real Housewives of New York Season 10

Just when we think the New York ladies have peaked, they outdo themselves. This trip has it all: not one, but two fights happening simultaneously at a dinner table, a drunken Dorinda slurring her words with red lipstick smeared across her face, a boat ride so frightening that the women fear for their lives and nearly sh*t themselves, and, finally, a bout of food poisoning that causes almost all of them to actually sh*t themselves.

1. St. John aka Scary Island, Real Housewives of New York Season 3

No one travels better than the women of The Real Housewives of New York, and this trip is the jewel in the crown. There are so many quotable moments that it would be virtually impossible to list them all. Jill Zarin’s “HAAHHAIIIIIIII” as she crashes the trip is bone-chilling. Alex’s attempt to walk seductively during Kelly’s “photoshoot” while channeling her “Johan face” was blood-curdling. But nothing was more frightening than Kelly’s complete and utter mental breakdown “breakthrough” where she rambled on about Al Sharpton, satchels of gold, and jelly beans. I couldn’t GO TO SLEEP even if I tried. At least among all of the darkness we had Turtle Time.

Honorable Mentions:

St. Barth, Real Housewives of New York Season 5

“TAKE A XANAX, CALM DOWNNN!”

Beaver Creek, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 2

Taylor in a suitcase.

The Berkshires, Real Housewives of New York Season 6

“Who are you to get me wet?”

Cape Town, Real Housewives of Atlanta Season 4

Shereé and Marlo’s fight, comprised entirely of unintelligible shrieks.

Bali, Real Housewives of Orange County Season 9

Lizzie provoking Tamra to run away and threaten that we would never see her face again (unfortunately she did not make good on that promise) should have earned Lizzie another season.

Of course, only crowning 10 trips with this distinguished honor means that some memorable trips had to be left out. Which were your favorite trips? Let me know in the comments!

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (9)

The ladies of The Real Housewives are the gifts that keep on giving. I love the franchise because it’s a space where women are not only allowed, but encouraged, to be unabashedly themselves. Many are quick to dismiss the show as frivolous and superficial, but for me and my fellow Bravoholics it’s a fascinating sociological study on what it means to be a woman in today’s world. This inevitably gives us a glimpse into the men our gals choose, and more often than not, the results are pure, unadulterated trash not pretty. Because I’m a glutton for punishment, I ventured into the deepest, darkest depths of House Husband Hell and compiled a list of the most garbage men to grace our screens over the years.

9. Bill Aydin

Bill is a relatively new addition to The Real Housewives of New Jersey, but he immediately made an impression with his condescending attitude towards his wife, Jennifer, and insistence that she stay at home with their children at all times. Jennifer memorably had to ask Bill for permission to go on a “girls’ trip” (in other words, do her job), a request that displeased her controlling traditional husband. This should end well.

8. Brooks Ayers

While not technically a husband (despite Vicki’s numerous attempts to make him fill her love tank), Brooks may as well have been one with the amount of screen time he took up during his tenure on The Real Housewives of Orange County. He immediately pinged fans’ creep radars when Vicki’s daughter Briana recounted that he sexually harassed her while she was pregnant. Brooks really cemented his status as the Dirty John of Bravo when it came out in season 10 that he perpetrated a cancer scam that Vicki was definitely *not* in on. Just thinking about him makes me want to take several showers.

7. Michael Darby

Ashley’s marriage to Michael was shaky even in the earlier seasons of The Real Housewives of Potomac, with the two arguing over their fledgling restaurant and having children together, culminating in a separation just two years ago. Unfortunately, Michael is looking even worse this season with allegations that he sexually assaulted a cameraman on the show. Despite the charges being dropped, more allegations persist. And now he and Ashley have a baby together, which won’t complicate things at all.

6. Jim Edmonds

This marriage always seemed suspect to me, not only because it was lucky number three for Jimbo, but also because he appeared completely and utterly checked out in every interaction with his wife. His abandonment of Meghan during her painful IVF treatments was particularly damning. Just when it seemed he couldn’t be more awful, news broke earlier this year about Jim’s involvement in a nude text message scandal in which, among other things, he was sexting a woman while Meghan was about to give birth to their twins. Inexplicably, they are still together.

My advice to Meghan:

5. Shane Simpson

There’s no way around it: Shane sucks. This human embodiment of the word “twerp,” as he was brilliantly called by castmate and certified genius Kelly Dodd, has been a walking wet blanket since his debut last season on The Real Housewives of Orange County. He threw Gina out of his home last season for being too loud during a party and proceeded to handle the aftermath with the same grace as a whiny toddler who’s been denied his binky. Shane has done nothing to redeem himself this season and can’t be bothered to hide his disdain snark in every scene with Emily, even going so far as to leave his family at home to escape to a hotel under the guise of “studying for the bar” (which he failed, btw). Instead of being grateful to his wife for singlehandedly taking care of their children and throwing a party for his parents in his absence, he snaps at her for disturbing him. Emily can do so much better.

4. Jason Hoppy

This is where the list really starts getting dark. Like many serial killers eligible men, Jason initially seemed like the dream guy Bethenny had been searching for her entire life. He supported her dreams and together they started the family she always wanted. For a while, it looked like Bethenny really did have it all. But cracks started to show in her spin-off Bethenny Ever After and it quickly became clear that Jason had a dark side he’d been hiding from the viewers. Once Bethenny filed for divorce, Jason fully unleashed his crazy by refusing to leave their apartment, threatening her, and bad-mouthing her to their daughter. Yikes.

3. David Beador

Seeing old footage of David Beador and his White Walker eyes still sends a chill down my spine. Shannon was completely humiliated when she revealed during season 10 of The Real Housewives of Orange County that David had a long-term affair. Though the pair did try to work through their problems, David’s attempts to reconcile always seemed forced and inauthentic. During season 11, Vicki alleged that David was physically abusive towards Shannon during their marriage. Though both David and Shannon denied any physical abuse, David was arrested for domestic battery years earlier. The stress of the allegations led Shannon to gain 40 pounds, and instead of supporting his wife during this difficult time, David began aggressively working out as if to mock her and would eat in front of her in a way that can only be described as hostile. Thankfully, Shannon divorced him.

2. Jim Marchese

Until I began preparing this list, I had somehow forgotten that this O.T. (Original Twerp) ever existed. Jim was hated by just about every cast member during his mercifully short run on The Real Housewives of New Jersey for getting in the women’s faces repeatedly like a rabid dog on crack and saying unspeakable things about his castmates. Jim has continued to reach new lows after his stint on the show. He revealed during his appearance with Amber on Marriage Bootcamp that he blamed her for getting cancer, was arrested shortly thereafter for felony domestic violence against Amber and, most recently, has been accused by his own son of refusing to continue paying his college tuition because he is gay. What a mensch.

1. Joe Giudice

It admittedly doesn’t get much worse than Jim Marchese, but Juicy Joe still reigns supreme as the worst of the worst husbands. The repeated rumors of infidelity were bad enough. Who could forget that uncomfortable scene where he was caught on camera talking to his mistress one of his workers and referring to Teresa as “my bitch wife” and a “c*nt”? But Joe cemented his status on this list by committing fraud and implicating Teresa, causing her to serve time in prison and miss out on valuable time with her mother, who died less than two years after her release. It’s unforgivable, but it does look like karma is coming for Joe and he’s probably getting deported.

Of course, this isn’t a complete list because choosing among the toxic men on these shows is an embarrassment of riches. There were many more I wanted to include (looking at you, Jim Bellino, Kelsey Grammer, Slade Smiley, Paul “Peekay” Kemsley and Simon Barney), but I can’t afford to quit my day job. Sound off in the comments with your worst House Husbands!

Images: Getty Images (7); Shutterstock (2); NBCU; Bravo; Giphy (2)

Southern Charm is one of my favorite Bravo shows, and I was really excited for season 6 after a spectacular season 5, where all the women seemingly banded together to take down the “good ole boys” club that pervades Charleston and the mindsets of the men there. It was an exciting time to be watching—the #MeToo movement was igniting, and for a brief moment it felt like there would finally be a reckoning for some of the more toxic men on the show. To some extent, there has been, with Thomas’ arrest and removal from the cast, but you wouldn’t know it by watching this season. The camaraderie between the women is not quite the same as it was last season, and the only woman bold enough to call out the men’s more problematic behavior is being portrayed as a pseudo-villainess. How did we get here, and are there any good men on Southern Charm?

Thomas

Although Thomas is no longer a cast member, his presence still lingers with the aftermath of his arrest for sexual assault and battery, and Kathryn’s struggle to maintain custody of their two children together. The two met when Kathryn was 21 and still in college, and Thomas was 51. I have no problem with an age gap, but a middle-aged man pursuing a relationship with a woman barely old enough to drink feels predatory and manipulative. And by Kathryn’s account, their relationship was emotionally abusive—she told People that when they started dating, “I just did what he said and took on his opinions and feelings as my own.” She also said that when their relationship started to deteriorate, she and her daughter were forced to live in the basement of Thomas’ plantation, where she felt “sad, scary, lonely, confused, quarantined and isolated.”

When Kathryn and Thomas were on the outs in seasons 2 and 3, she was a veritable pariah and excluded from just about every social function by everyone except Craig. Instead of trying to understand her perspective, she was written off by the others as gold-digging, crazy drug addict (after testing positive for marijuana, of all things) and completely disregarded in favor of a cocaine-using felon and disgraced politician whose attempts at speaking French would make the Seine run dry. Only after the sexual assault allegations against Thomas came out did cast members like Cameran and Patricia turn their backs on him and warm to Kathryn. And to that I say:

Shep

This has been a revealing season for Shep. Up until now, Shep has largely gotten away with his more problematic behavior. His attempt to grab and kiss Chelsea in season 4 was largely glossed over by the rest of the cast and referred to as an “incident” by Bravo instead of the assault that it was. The rest of the cast seems to regard his clear problem with alcohol and inability to commit to a woman or a vocation as the amusing quirks of a goofy man-child rather than glaring red flags. Interestingly, the arrival of Madison this season has exposed a lot of Shep’s more toxic tendencies. He refers to Madison as a “white trash hairstylist” despite Shep never having worked a day in his life. He shames her for sleeping with someone in retaliation after catching Austen in the middle of a threesome. Where was this outrage when he heard that Austen cheated with two other women?

After balking at Madison’s admittedly inappropriate revelation about him and Danni, Shep responds by DOING THE EXACT SAME THING and telling Cameran that Austen is a “sexual deviant” because he and Madison have done “butt stuff” together. It’s unclear what exactly he is referring to, but either party being on the receiving end of said “butt stuff” is hardly sexual deviance in this day and age. You know what is sexually deviant? Sleeping with someone you call a friend and definitely allegedly giving her chlamydia. Say what you want about Madison, but I can’t help but respect her for going toe-to-toe with the resident bully of the franchise. Shep has continued his one-man white privilege parade off-camera by recently posting a story to his Instagram where he openly mocked a visibly embarrassed homeless woman collecting cans. It’s revolting enough that he found this woman’s situation humorous. But to taunt and expose her to his hundreds of thousands of followers is appallingly callous, not to mention willfully ignorant. Gosh, I can’t imagine how he is still single!

Ummmm It might just be me but I really don’t think “BUTT STUFF”equals sexual deviancy and Is Shep not drinking because he is still on anabiotic’s from the chlamydia I’m confused

— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) August 8, 2019

Whitney

Whitney first pinged my creep radar in season 1 when he slept with Kathryn and told her to keep it a secret, only to reveal it later to Thomas without consulting her. Since then, Whitney and Kathryn’s relationship has been rocky, and Whitney has gone out of his way to sabotage her relationship with Thomas and malign her character. During season 2, Whitney convinces Thomas to film campaign videos with Kathryn’s sorority sisters that could easily have passed for Cialis commercials, and Kathryn reveals during the group’s trip to Jekyll Island that Whitney took Thomas to a strip club when she was 9 months pregnant with their child. Whitney’s obsessive insertion of himself into Thomas and Kathryn’s relationship looks a lot like Shep’s current involvement in Austen and Madison’s relationship. Is Shep so focused on what’s going on between Madison and Austen because he, like Whitney, is actually the one feeling butthurt? When we find out this season that Kathryn and Whitney have recently slept together, Whitney bizarrely denies it and attempts to gaslight her by saying, “We have a different interpretation of events.” I’m not sure how Kathryn can misinterpret your middle-aged penis struggling to find its way into her vagina, but okay, Whit.

Austen

We can now proceed to the f*ckboy portion of this article. Austen was first introduced to us in season 4 as a younger and marginally more attractive version of Shep. His behavior following the cooling off of his “relationship” with Chelsea and subsequent relationship with Madison support the comparison. He proceeded to suggest to all of his Instagram followers that Chelsea has no sex drive as well as talk badly about her to Madison, as all classy men do. When his girlfriend catches him in the aftermath of a threesome (I’m convinced hell is a persistent loop of him screaming “MAAADISEHHHN!”), he proceeds to call her “a crazy person” and threatens to physically remove her from his home. After all, it’s easier to deflect and question a woman’s sanity than to take ownership for the misdeeds that are making her so “crazy” in the first place. #JusticeForVictoria Even when he isn’t the target of criticism, Austen is reluctant to side with women. When Naomie and Chelsea rightfully called out human hemorrhoid J.D. for his philandering and grifting last season, Austen claimed he needed more proof than the claims of his friends, one of whom got her information from J.D.’s wife.

Craig

Oh, Craigy. Our favorite pillow artisan is by far the least toxic of the bunch, and he should be commended for his fierce defense of Kathryn for many seasons, but he is not completely innocent either. He lied to the entire group about graduating from law school and passing the bar, and when Naomie directly questioned him about his desire to be a lawyer, he responded by telling her she was acting dumb. I agree that at times her approach was a bit mean, but Naomie’s concerns about Craig’s ambition and general life direction were not unfounded. Two seasons later we are still watching him struggle to get his fledgling pillow business off the ground and wake up before noon, yet Naomie was deemed a bitch for having the audacity to challenge her poor, innocent boyfriend. Even after she has clearly moved on, Craig continues to disrespect her by telling anyone who will listen that she still has feelings for him despite Naomie seeming genuinely happy in her new relationship (however we may feel about Metul).

It’d be a cop-out and a vast oversimplification to attribute the toxic behavior of the men on Southern Charm solely to Southern culture. Though that’s certainly a factor, it’s a symptom of a larger and more insidious disease in our society. When we allow boys to be boys unchecked and without any accountability, we breed a sense of entitlement where, given enough time, money or even fame, a Craig or an Austen might become a Shep or a Thomas. Until we do, men like these Southerners will keep passing for gentlemen.

Images: Bravo; Giphy (2); BrandiGlanville / Twitter

We are blessed on this beautiful Friday, because yesterday PEOPLE released a teaser for the new season of The Bachelorette, and I am pumped. I don’t know about you guys, but ever since Alabama Hannah steamrolled her way into our lives by toasting to her first date with the ever-so-romantic “Roll Tide!” I knew I needed more of this stone cold weirdo on my TV. She’s awkward, she actually has a personality, and she seems willing to show us that there is more to her than just “former beauty queen.” Sold. And now we have a new teaser for her season, which begins on Monday, May 13th. There’s a lot of producer driven drama jam-packed into 30 seconds, so thankfully I’m here to break it down for you.

We begin on night one, with Hannah wearing a dress that she found discarded on the floor at an after-prom party. I see Cary Fetman is continuing his iconic styling this season. Blessings. Then we immediately launch into the drama. We see Hannah pull one of the guys aside and accuse him of having a girlfriend. So I guess ABC is back on their bullsh*t, huh? Another season, another set of garbage men that producers didn’t vet properly! *sigh* This happens while a voiceover says, “The drama never lets up.” Well, yeah! That’s what happens when you collect your group of suitors from a knock-off Planet Fitness in Panama City Beach, attempt to scrub the Axe Body Spray scent off them, dress them up like cater waiters, and throw them in a limo. They don’t know how to behave! And you can’t get that scent off them FYI, it emanates from their pores.

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With @chrisbharrison by @alabamahannah’s side, our beautiful bachelorette’s journey for love has begun! ❤️ ?: @chrisbharrison #TheBachelorette

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We also get a shot of one of the guys saying to another one, “don’t ever objectify a woman,” and how much do you want to bet this guy once called a woman “sugartits” on Twitter? Not that I think you would, sir, but I’m convinced ABC’s background checks are conducted by Business Barbie sitting at her plastic pink laptop, so you just never know.

Actual footage of a Bachelorette background check

Hannah says in the teaser that she wants a man to fight for her, so of course we get the obligatory Bachelorette date where the men assault each other to win the attention of a woman they’re using for internet fame they love. I’m sure that will turn out completely fine and has nothing to do with the ambulance we see wailing in this teaser! On the bright side, the men fighting appear to be wearing kilts. Are we getting a trip to Ireland or Scotland?! If we are, this at least means that none of the men are banned from leaving the country! A heartening sign.

I do wish that they wouldn’t have a fighting date each season—is this really necessary to prove their love?! It’s not like I ask the men I’m casually dating to change into a kilt and then assault the perv on the subway that leered at my ass. A simple “I’ll order us an Uber instead” will suffice! Men are not (usually) physically fighting each other for a woman’s attention in real life. Can I start a petition they do something else next season? These fights just promote a narrow-minded definition of a man and it’s not necessary. As my girls on My Favorite Murder like to say, toxic masculinity ruins the party again. No need for it at this party, Mike Fleiss.

Here is the teaser, which you can watch in its entirety below.

So it looks like we’re in for yet another drama filled season! Fingers crossed it will erase last season’s lead, Mr. State White Bread, from my memory altogether. I’ll leave you with just one  warning – yes, I did spend hours of my life analyzing this teaser, but take it with a grain of salt. The producers will always try to trick you, and we never actually know what happens until the show airs. For all we know, no one even showed up on night one and we’re not having a season. See you on May 13th to find out!

Images: bacheloretteabc/Instagram; Giphy (2)

Welcome to Bachelor…Tuesday! I know what you’re thinking—where’s It’s Britney, Betch?! Don’t fret, friends, she is on a kickball team doing something mysterious and very cool, and will be back next week! I’m just helping out today because I’m such a good friend. And, please, don’t even bother coming for me in the comments saying she’s better and I’m not funny and this is trash yada, yada, yada. Because I already say that to Britney on Gchat everyday, and then again to myself every night. So I gotchu. Now, on to the task at hand, The Women Tell Us Nothing We Didn’t Already Know or, alternatively, Bachelor in Paradise: An Audition. I have my wine, I have my bad attitude, and I am ready to partayyyyyy.

They start off the episode reminding us of everything that happened 24 hours ago, because the producers just assume we all blacked out on Whispering Angel while watching that cringe-fest. Fair. Last night, Cassie told Colton that she’s just not that into him, Colton finally jumped that f*cking fence, and Chris went on the hunt for his runaway Bachelor, like he was a bloodhound racing to find a missing child in a really juicy episode of Dateline.

Chris intros the show, and is giddy that last night “Colton’s worst nightmare” came true. “He disappeared into the dark night of the Portuguese countryside. He is lost to us.” Okayyyyy Chris you’re not penning the next great American novel, you’re just phoning it in on a network reality dating show, I think we can tone down the dramatic prose just a bit.

The women get introduced. I do not recognize half these women, but am pleased to see that Tracy’s eyebrows grew in. Did she invest in microblading?

Okay who TF is Jane?? Now ABC is just trolling me. I see you ABC, and I know she’s a really a seat warmer while Elyse is in the bathroom! Right?

Since Colton’s season continues to give us little to no content, ABC decides to waste our time and throw it back to “the most dramatic” moments of seasons past. They’re going all the way back to Jason Mesnick. Really? Demi wasn’t even born yet when that season was on! Caelynn was still a toddler in a tiara! No one here gives a sh*t. TBH all these flashbacks really do is show us how little emotion Cassie actually felt last night. Her eyes were drier than the Sahara Desert. 

Then they decide to show us clips from the season that WE JUST WATCHED. Chris says “there was a lot of drama before the infamous wall jump.” Dude. We’ve been calling it a fence all season. Were you even here?

Oh good, our first shower scene of the evening. Why does ABC insist on making me feel like I’m watching a perv’s secret bathroom camera every episode?

We’re 15 minutes in and it looks like we’re finally going to start!

Chris: What were you thinking when you met Colton?
Ladies: 

And now more clips of all the fake feuds we just watched. Look, I may scroll through Instagram for the entirety of every single episode, but give me a little credit. I can look at pictures of balayage and watch Colton dry hump a blonde at the same time.

Chris immediately brings up the Onyeka/Nicole feud, because he would like to drown the audience with Nicole’s tears and finish up early. The ladies basically just hurl insults at each other, and I feel like I’m back at a sorority chapter meeting. Funny, I used to drink through those too.

Nicole: You said I was mentally unstable.
Onyeka: Liar! I said you were emotionally unstable!

Chris then asks Katie why she told Colton that certain women were not there for the right reasons. She tells him she was talking about Caelynn and Cassie. OMG! Katie claims she heard them talking in Singapore on the bus from the airport to the hotel, and they were saying to each other that one of them should “win” and then the other can be the Bachelorette.

Caelynn says Katie is lying. Katie says Caelynn is lying. I’m lying to myself that this hell is almost over.

Okay seriously though, WHO IS JANE?! And why is she defending Caelynn? FYI Jane, even inserting yourself into this dumb feud is not gonna get you on Paradise, honey. Maybe call up MTV and they’ll let you on Ex On The Beach? Different beach, same low standards. I think you’ll fit in well.

OMG, Kirpa says she heard Caelynn was talking about sliding into the DMs of cast members from other seasons! WHO?! Please tell me it wasn’t Robby, please tell me it wasn’t Robby. Their veneers combined would blind the innocent public.  

Demi apologizes for calling Courtney “the cancer of the house” and changes it to the bed bugs of the house. People may not like Demi, but you can’t deny she was MADE for reality TV. We are blessed she lives during this time. What would have happened if she was born during like, the Victorian era or something? She would have been beheaded SO FAST.

OMG! Courtney just told Demi she has the maturity of a 3-year-old and SHOVED A PACIFIER IN HER MOUTH. Um, isn’t that assault?

Okay now we’re finally getting to the good stuff. Chris calls Demi up to the hot seat. Demi talks about how she is not ashamed of her sexuality and starts shouting, “It’s 2019! I’m promiscuous! Sorry dad!” Aww, that’s sweet. She thinks her Dad doesn’t know. But like, he’s met you?

Chris then tells Demi she was very brave to talk about her mom being in prison.

Demi: I was going back and forth about it, but when I realized I could use it to stay longer, I decided to tell Colton.

Chris asks Demi if her mom is proud of her. Demi says yes and it’s like DUH of course she’s proud! Her daughter was one of the most ruthless competitors in Bachelor history. What’s not to be proud of?

And ANOTHER Colton shower scene. Did you guys know that every time ABC shows Colton in the shower, an angel loses its wings? It’s v sad.

Chris calls Nicole up to the hot seat. Really? Does she warrant more time? We heard her get yelled at for a solid 45 seconds, and got a chance to check out her fresh highlights. That’s all I need to see. Chris pulls out a box of tissues for Nicole, like my therapist doesn’t also do that for $200 a session. You ain’t special, Chris.

Nicole tells Chris she went on The Bachelor because she wanted to make her family proud. Hmm, you didn’t want to try, say, volunteering first? Perhaps going back to school and get a masters degree? No? The Bachelor, you say? Okay. And I’m sure Paradise will make them even prouder!

Wait WTF is this?! Chris basically called Nicole up there to tell her she is getting free Halo Top Ice Cream for a year?! Cool, ABC is literally selling airtime to advertisers now. And to think, when they showed the preview for this segment I thought ABC was going to do something nice for Nicole’s autistic brother. I hope he isn’t lactose intolerant!

AND ANOTHER SHOWER SCENE. My sexual attraction has been so diminished by these I don’t think I will ever find a man appealing again, let alone Colton.

Chris calls Hannah B. up to the hot seat. She looks FIRE and is daring ABC not to choose her as The Bachelorette. Caelynn, the gauntlet has been officially been thrown down, and I think this might be the first competition where you don’t beat Hannah.

Hannah says she feels pressure to be perfect, and has always struggled with it, and has a hard time being vulnerable. Man, whoever wrote this monologue for Hannah really knows what they are doing. It makes me like her, and I hate everyone. Seriously. Ask everyone I work with. They’ll tell you I f*cking hate them.

Chris then gives Hannah a chance to redo her toast that she fumbled during her first one-on-one with Colton. I want to tell you it was better, and that at least she didn’t end it with “roll tide” but then she did, so I can not. Alabama, you all need to get some new material.

Caelynn gets called up to the hot seat. I feel a deep hatred toward her garbage bag cut into the shape of a dress. It’s rare that designers really nail the unique sheen of the Glad brand, but by god they did it!

Caelynn cries while watching her time on the show back. She says it was hard because she felt like she had met her person and then he dumped her. Don’t worry Caelynn, you’re only 23! There’s plenty more disappointment ahead of you love to come!

Caelynn also says that Colton told her he was falling in love with her since Singapore and “That’s a long time.” Oh honey, 72 hours is only a long time to a fruit fly.

Chris does take the time to commend Caelynn for sharing her story of sexual assault on the show. And as much as I really don’t like her as a person, or how Colton responded to her, I will say it was very brave of her, and I do hope that it helped her and helped others. Snaps for Caelynn!

And Colton has FINALLY emerged from the shower, pruny as a spring breaker who fell asleep in the hot tub after a late-night drinking sesh. Does he look different to anyone else? Did he dye his hair? Or is it because he finally put his P in a V?

Chris asks Colton how he’s feeling and Colton says he’s nervous, which surprised him because he thought he would be “cool and confident?” At this point I looked around my empty apartment and screamed “This guy thinks he would ever be cool and confident?!!” My couch and kitchen table both agreed this was absurd. Then we all had a good laugh.

Caelynn: What went wrong?
Colton:

Then Sydney takes one for the team and asks Colton if he’s still a virgin. We’re listening. But instead of answering, Colton takes this time to ask Sydney what the phrase “whack my weeds” means. Colton! You know you are supposed to have sex talks exclusively with Chris or he won’t get his bonus. Why you gotta do him dirty like that?

They transition out of this discussion before we get an answer out of Colton, which is fine with me because now I can stop shrieking in horror over what is happening on my TV screen. I don’t need my neighbors calling the cops on me again. Chris asks Colton about the “fence jump.” Ahhh I see he remembers his line this time.

Chris:  What was going on in your mind as you were running away?
Colton: I can’t believe girls don’t even want to f*ck me when I’m the Bachelor.

Truth.

Chris assures us that Colton makes it back alive, as if I’m not looking at his basic ass on my screen right now.

ABC then shows us bloopers, which I will sum up for you like this: Hannah G. maintains her lack of personality even when a tent falls on her, Colton gets more intimate with a street dog than he does with Cassie, and places have bugs.

I hope you enjoyed the 15 minutes of new footage we just watched! Next week, Colton’s journey finally ends, and hopefully none of us will ever have to hear a grown man talk about his virginity ad nauseum again. Later!

Images: ABC (4); Giphy (3)