The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Blink Twice If You Need Help, Brendan

Well, everybody, we’ve made it to the final week of The Bachelorette. In keeping with the “unprecedented times”, ABC is breaking protocol and giving us fantasy suites and the finale in the same week. I’d like to think this is a gift to us for having to put up with Clare’s therapy sessions masquerading as dates, but we know better: they have to keep things moving in time for the premiere of Matt’s season. I’ll be filling in for my esteemed colleague Ryanne this week, so please be gentle in the comments. Let’s get to it!

We begin with Tayshia discussing the importance of the fantasy suite dates and her confidence in the final three. We then cut to Ivan, Brendan, and Zac being forced to sit together and allude to their potential future as eskimo brothers. It’s awkward AF and will be a running theme throughout the episode. Meanwhile, Tayshia has a forced Bachelorette synergy “girl chat” with JoJo. They’re really trying to make JoJo happen, huh? Despite Ed’s notes, Chris Harrison continues his practice of barging in on the men without even a courtesy knock. This time he tells them that they better be prepared to get down on one knee and propose.

Chris: If you’re not ready for an engagement, GTFO!

And so begins Brendan’s mental spiral.

To my surprise, Ivan gets the first fantasy suite date. I personally love Ivan. He’s far and away my favorite of the three men, but he’s too pure for Tayshia and, arguably, this world. However, he tells us he did The Secret and manifested the first date. You go, Glen Coco Ivan! Zac is visibly pissed and Brendan looks like someone told him that it’s now a federal offense to wear turtlenecks. Zac reminds us that regardless of the men’s feelings about the other men, this is about Tayshia. Finally, a man who understands the concept of The Bachelorette!

Ivan’s Date

Tayshia Bachelorette

Just watching the way that Tayshia interacts with Ivan, it’s clear that he’s not the frontrunner in her mind. As if the lukewarm peck she gave him weren’t proof enough, we find out that their date is a f*cking ice bath. Now if that’s not a metaphor for her feelings for Ivan, I don’t know what is. “Are you excited?” she asks, with that pseudo British inflection she adopts when asking questions. Ivan smiles through the pain. This is the most unromantic concept for a date that I can possibly think of, especially one that’s designed to precede sex. The shrinkage alone! Rude, Tayshia. Rude. Even Big Paulie, who according to Chris Harrison is a “Bachelor Nation favorite” (sure, Jan), deems the effects of this date on Ivan’s prospects later on “devastating”. Slapping a potential “world record” on this turd of a date isn’t fooling anyone, Tayshia! You may as well have had an intern spray paint a football field on some cardboard with “Friend Zone” at either end.

Meanwhile, back at the house:



Zac seems to be handling things a little better. He gets the second date card and gives us his best Matthew McConaughey.

During the evening portion of Ivan’s date, he tells Tayshia he’s falling in love with her. She says she’s been falling for him too, but I’m just not feeling the sparks between these two. Their conversation doesn’t have much substance and basically consists of them parroting things back to each other. “I cried in front of you!” “I cried in front of you!” Apparently this is enough to take things to the fantasy suite, which in this case is an Airstream trailer that inside looks like it was designed by 2009 me after winning an Urban Outfitters shopping spree. I love a boho-chic moment, but this is not the mood for fantasy suites. This looks like it would be better for a Real Housewives girls’ trip (OC, obv). Apparently it had the desired effect, though, because they stayed up all night talking, according to Ivan. I don’t get the feeling they had sex. Maybe a little over-the-pants action, but nothing more.

Ivan returns to the house and recaps the date. Unsurprisingly, Zac and Brendan look pissed. Brendan, clearly a masochist, asks if they got any sleep. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to, Brendan! Ivan is apparently an emotional cutter as well because a producer told him to ask he asks what Zac’s date card said. Yikes.

Zac’s Date

Tayshia and Zac

The vibe on this date is completely different than the date with Ivan. Tayshia is straight-up giddy. The feeling is mutual for Zac and he tells us no less than 14 times that he can’t wait to EXPLORE Tayshia. Vom. That’s exactly what the guy you go on one Hinge date with tells you right before he never calls you again. Their date is body painting, which may as well be the polar (see what I did there) opposite of Ivan’s date. This date is essentially foreplay with colors. They slap on some paint and proceed to aggressively make out in front of the camera crew. Do they have no shame??

During the evening portion, they get into deeper topics, specifically, Zac’s stance on having kids. Zac says he realizes now that he does want to be a dad and he then proceeds to tell Tayshia that he loves her. The moment was really genuine, so much so that it moves Tayshia to tears and she says she loves him back. I can’t even be snarky, it was a lovely moment. This is what happens when you put age-appropriate men on this show!

They move on to the fantasy suite, and the set-up alone is another personal affront to Ivan. Zac and Tayshia get a whole-ass suite that looks much nicer than the “El Presidente” suite Tayshia’s been living in all season. The unmitigated gall of these producers to do Ivan so dirty!

Ivan watching this back:

The next morning, Tayshia and Zac are jumping on the bed like two toddlers hopped up on pixie sticks. Interestingly, Tayshia says in a confessional that Brendan has had her heart since day one. This should be interesting given Brendan’s sheer terror all episode. Zac returns to the house with a sh*t-eating grin on his face. Ivan remains mostly calm. Brendan looks…constipated.

Brendan’s Date

Brendan tells us that he’s worried about the prospect of getting engaged again so quickly after getting divorced. Brendan clearly didn’t get the memo on not telling producers about your biggest fears, lest they be exploited to the high heavens, and so his fate is sealed. The date is hosted by F*CKING NEIL LANE! Neil, apparently pissed he had to cobble together a ring for Clare with barely 24 hours’ notice, negotiated some more airtime for his tacky wares and so we need to endure this product placement we’re calling a “date”. A date like this would be torture for just about any straight male who’s been dating a woman for a matter of weeks, but for Brendan, it is hell on earth, and it shows.

Neil keeps telling Brendan not to get nervous, then proceeds to talk endlessly about engagements and weddings. As if this wasn’t anxiety-producing enough, they then FORCE BRENDAN TO TRY ON WEDDING BANDS! I swear his hands were shaking. These producers are laying it on thick. They’ve even got Neil Lane waxing poetic about how rings are circular (no sh*t) and that marriage is FOREVER, as if Brendan, who has been married before, doesn’t already know this. Is Robert De Niro going to pop out and tell Brendan he’s been admitted into Tayshia’s circle of trust, too?

This date is messy AF. I guess this is one way to test his appetite for a proposal at the end.


The night portion of the date doesn’t get any better. Unfortunately, Tayshia saved her best dress for this date. Brendan is…wearing a black T-shirt. Not a good sign. Tayshia brings up Brendan’s distance and he admits he’s been struggling with the idea of an engagement. He confesses that he’s still broken. It was raw and honestly heartbreaking. Tayshia doesn’t put up a fight and sends him home. She says he’s the one she pictured herself with at the end. I’m sure whoever she chooses will be thrilled to watch that back.

Tayshia and Rachel

We get a surprise appearance from Rachel, who looks stunning. As happy as I was to see Rachel again, I didn’t really understand why she was there. The conversation was pretty superficial at the beginning, until Rachel asks Tayshia about any regrets she might have. Then it became very clear why she was invited: to create an opening to talk about Ben, who is obviously going to pull a Bennett and come back to ask for another chance. To which I say:

Michael Scott No

The Rose Ceremony Ben’s Mea Culpa

The men are getting ready for the rose ceremony and Ivan’s look here was giving me major Drake vibes. I’m not mad about it. We then see a shot from the waist down of some bulging thighs in capri pants making their way up the path of the La Quinta, and it’s immediately clear that Ben has returned. He tells Chris Harrison that he shuts down when things are tough and he wants to resolve things with Tayshia.

Tayshia, meanwhile, has two roses left, and to symbolize this she has brought the girls out for the night. She looks gorgeous and is feeling good about her final two, so of course Ben has to swoop in and f*ck it all up! He knocks on Tayshia’s door and she looks THRILLED to see him. He confesses his love for her, admits that he blew it in the moment, and tells her he sees a life with her. Tayshia’s immediate response is to freak the f*ck out and run to her producer. Not a great sign, buddy! All I know is if she cuts Ivan for this clown I will have ABC’s head continue to loyally watch this train wreck. See you tomorrow!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (3)

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 7

This week on The Bachelor, the crew heads off to Italy! (Or hops on over to the “Italy” section of Epcot. Hear me out here. When has ABC sprung for such expensive vacations? They went to PENNSYLVANIA last season. And where are the people? I find this “Italy” very suspicious. Plus I’m pretty sure Italy and France are right next to each other in Epcot. I’m just saying.) Anyway, moving on to this week’s Bachelor recap.

Arie starts describing the intricacies of Italian culture with the same attention to detail as one of my sorority sisters who studied abroad there junior year. He’s like, “Italy is great! I can’t wait to drink wine and eat pasta!”

ALSO ARIE: This is gonna be just like senior year except for funner!

Chris Harrison comes in, takes one look at the happy women, and immediately drops a bomb on the remaining girls that there will be no rose ceremony this week, only dates. The fact that every single one of these women (except for Lauren B, who is me dead inside) look truly panicked at the thought of spending some quality time with Arie sans cleavage and alcohol is telling.

The First One-On-One Date

And the first one-on-one date goes to Becca K. Which rom-com do we think Arie will choose to reenact with Becca this time around? Fingers crossed it’s How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days so she can ditch this loser and find a real romantic suitor. Oh, wait, he just showed up in a red convertible. It’s clear it will be some sort of rom-com, but I’m just not sure which one yet. Tbd, people.

Becca K says she’s never traveled this much with a boyfriend before and the only real couples vacation she’s been on was to San Diego.  And it’s like, yes, but I also bet you’ve never had to travel this much with a boyfriend and all his other girlfriends before either, so…

This date is actually chill AF. Getting shitfaced on wine in the middle of the day is legit in my Hinge bio as my answer to “describe your perfect day.” Boys, take note!

Meanwhile, back at the house, Jacqueline is losing her damn mind. She’s venting to Kendall about how she doesn’t know if she belongs here and it’s like, of course you don’t, honey. Every single one of you belongs in therapy. Also, you know you’re fucking losing it when the girl who collects dead animals is acting more rational and level-headed than you.

Cut back to the one-on-one date where Becca keeps talking about how she’s falling for Arie as he sits there looking smug AF in his chunky knit cardigan. Idk what he has to look smug about. He looks like my nana when the temperature falls below 65 degrees.

Becca gets the rose at the end of the date, securing her spot in the hometowns line-up.

The Most Dramatic Exit Ever

In a shocking turn of events, Arie chooses Lauren B, the human equivalent of antacids, for the second one-on-one date even though she just fucking got one last week. This causes little Jackie to metaphorically fling herself off a cliff. Wait. Holy shit. She’s going to Arie’s suite.

JACKIE: I need to have a really hard conversation with you.


Honestly, I’ve never liked this girl more.

Wait. Did Jacqueline just dump herself? Tbh I did not expect Arie to be this upset over her leaving. She’s spoken, like, two words this entire season.

Jackie is just like “I’m so attracted to you that I can’t even look at you”  and then proceeds to drape herself over Arie’s entire body before dry humping him on the couch. K.


Lol at Jacqueline’s exit interview. She’s like “Arie was perfect in every way but I don’t want to marry him? God, I fucking hate myself,” which is funny because that’s also the extended title of my memoir. Jackie gets it.

The Second One-On-One Date

Okay, is it just me or do Arie and Lauren B look like a married couple who just recently reconciled after a separation period and are trying to “work things out”?

Just me? K.

Side note: Wtf is Arie doing on that bike rn? He looks like my 15-year-old brother trying to impress his girlfriend at the skate park. Also, I’m fucking amazed that his pants haven’t split mid-way through this show he’s putting on. Fucking. Amazed.

Arie suggests they stop in get some—get this—gelato! In Italy! Fucking groundbreaking.

Arie is just like ”I know Lauren B is quiet and reserved has less personality than the fat free, gluten-free gelato she ordered but I think she’ll open up by the end of this date.” And I hoped Peter Kraus was gonna be the next Bachelor so I could  actually enjoy my Monday nights, but we can’t always get what we want, do we?

Lauren B tells Arie that she’s falling in love with him and she says that with all of the emotion of someone who just asked for help with her credit score. Except I think I might be more passionate about my credit score than she is her potential future husband.

Wait, did Arie just dip out? AFTER SHE OPENED HER HEART TO HIM?? Lauren, sweetie, I know I’ve been dragging you this entire recap but there’s literally no excuse for the way he handled that. Like, did he have to check with his producer before he could respond to her? Was her declaration of love that unexpected for him? Nah, drop his ass Lauren!

The Third One-On-One Date

Is it just me or do Seinne and Arie seem more interested in these truffle dogs than each other? I feel like Arie wants to like Seinne because she legit could lead this country is smart, beautiful, and talented, but I also feel like he doesn’t like her because she is smart, beautiful, and talented.

Seinne is shooting the shit with a bunch of grown-ass men, while Arie is baking bread in the kitchen. Is this it? Have we achieved gender equality?

I love how they keep referring to these Italian people as a “family” that they just happened to stumble upon on the streets and not like they’re paid actors. It’s cute.

A symbolic clock rings in the middle of Seinne’s speech about how she sees something with Arie, and it’s at this point that I realize she is going home. And it’s not just because she physically put on her jacket and tried to flee the scene.

ARIE:  I’m just struggling to find a reason to bang her really open up with her.


Arie sends Seinne home, and let’s let that information sink in for a moment, shall we? He just sent home the gorgeous, bilingual, Ivy league graduate in favor of a 22 year old nanny other girls. I can tell he’s really serious about getting married. #JusticeForSeinne

The Group Date

We’ve got a lot of different looks happening on this date rn. We’ve got Tia, who actually looks socially acceptable. Then there’s Kendall, who looks like she got her entire outfit off of a Wet Seal mannequin. And finally, Bekah M, who looks like she’s really embracing this whole European vacation thing by channeling her inner Maria from the Sound of Music.

Seriously, that shit is uncanny.

Arie pulls Kendall aside for some alone time, and I’m assuming he’s just biding his time with her until it’s socially acceptable to send her home.

ARIE: I’m just trying to picture your family and does it involve stuffed human heads.

Honestly, I hope he picks Kendall if only so my theory about what she does with ex boyfriends’ heads will finally be proven. Come on, Arie, just do this one thing for me!

Tia breaks the cardinal rule of going on a group date by bringing up Bekah M during her alone time with him. Girl, Arie, does not give a shit if she’s 22 as long as she’s legally old enough to make it to the fantasy suite. Amiright, Arie?

Tia tells Bekah that she’s concerned Bekah might be immature and doesn’t want to get married, mostly because three seconds earlier Bekah said just that. When confronted about her maturity level, Bekah immediately starts bawling. That’ll show her, Beks!

Bekah keeps talking about being “misunderstood,” but not once has she mentioned marriage in this meltdown. She talks about wanting to be “something” with Arie but she hasn’t once said the word marriage. Which is literally the entire point of this whole godforsaken show. I mean, it’s reasonable because she’s 22 and her mom still calls the police when she doesn’t text her before going out, but she’s probs not ready for marriage. Which is exactly what Tia was trying to say.

BEKAH: I’m so mature that I even have a grey hair!


YES. He chose Kendall. I for one am ecstatic to see her house of horrors meet her family. That said, I’m legit shocked that it’s between Tia and Bekah. What a Sophie’s Choice this must be for Arie. On the one hand he has Tia, a woman who is established in her career and who will probably take his Instagram career to the next level with her Bachelor alum connections was the first woman to say she loved him. On the other hand he has Bekah, a nanny who wears hoops big enough for him to fit an entire fist through is, like, into him for the moment. Yeah, I can see why that might be a tough call.

I can’t believe ABC is prolonging this other rose with another fucking cocktail hour. Seriously, Arie, just bite the bullet and send Bekah back to her girl scout troop home.

Watching Arie and Bekah together is like a watching a dad read his daughter a bedtime story. God, I can’t watch this.

OH SHIT. TIA GOT THE ROSE. Thank you, Arie for semi-restoring my faith in the male species. It’s much appreciated.

ARIE: I’m so sorry, Bekah M

BEKAH M: It’s chill

I do applaud her for waiting until the limo to lose her shit. Way to give him nothing, girlfriend. Also, don’t cry, Bekah! You’re still young. You have tons of Bachelor franchises ahead of you!

And on that note, Lauren B, Tia, Becca K, and Kendall all make it to the hometowns, so see you next week, betches!

Images: Giphy (7); ABC (2)

Bethenny Is A Modern Day Gretchen Wieners: ‘Real Housewives of New York’ Recap

So, Real Housewives of New York City is still on a tequila binge in Tequila, Mexico and if you haven’t watched this episode yet, I’d highly recommend it. It will definitely make you feel better about every questionable decision you’ve ever made.

Anyway, the episode starts out with everyone talking about their boobs, which then results in everyone being naked and running around.

Carole: I bare my boobs for art. The rest of the girls bare their boobs for tequila. PS, I have the best boobs of the group. They’re real.

Ramona and Bethenny have a nice moment in the pool.

Ramona: I really like you
Bethenny: I’m a pretty cool person
Ramona: But I feel like you don’t like me
Bethenny: Well, I don’t like you right now

The conversation then turns back to the comments Ramona made about Bethenny being naked in the press and how that must have affected B’s daughter, Brynn. I would just like to note that Bethenny is literally ass naked during this conversation.

On the other side of the pool, Dorinda is trying to get a pants-less Sonja dressed.

Dorinda: It’s literally like trying to put a bikini on a piece of spaghetti.

Anyway, back to Bethenny and Ramona. They’re literally screaming (slurring) and crying in the pool and there are little nude-colored pixel square censors over Bethenny’s boobs. I actually feel like I’m watching two Sims fight right now. The conversation ends with them making up, but we all know they’ll end up picking another fight soon.

Sonja’s still super drunk and asks Bethenny if she’ll have sex with her, but B isn’t down.

That Escalated Quickly

Bethenny: I’m sorry. You’re barking up the wrong vagina.

Bethenny is the first one at dinner again and she’s pissed because she always shows up late to shit and is still somehow the first one there. SAME, B.

Obviously, everyone’s been blacked out for a few days, so there are like, five separate arguments brewing. Dorinda starts yelling at Bethenny and so Bethenny and Tinsley start running around her and it’s just a mess of slurring and dancing. It’s truly beautiful.

Loud Noises

Then, in the middle of Tinsley apologizing to Ramona (apparently this is just the episode where everyone’s going to black out and apologize like a bunch of drunk girls in a club bathroom becoming best friends), the women start to hear fireworks and all immediately stop their conversations and run outside to stand under the fireworks and scream. However, during the fireworks, Dorinda is concerned because she cut her hand.

Dorinda: I cut my hand off.
Bethenny: Do not give me a psychoanalysis.
Dorinda: I gave you a psychoanalysis about your life?
Bethenny: I keep getting into fights with these wasted blondes. It’s like, they have all this resentment about my success.



Is this just like, a giant war between blondes and brunettes? Isn’t that what Gossip Girl was for? Didn’t Serena and Blair teach us that party girl blondes and power-hungry brunettes all have their own great qualities and don’t need to compete with one another? Like, hello, this is 2017! Women don’t need to be competing with one another, they’re supposed to be obsessed with each other and leave the fire emoji on each other’s Instagram posts. Duh.


The next morning, the women are getting ready to go to yoga and Ramona decides to fill Luann in on all the ~dramz~ she missed.

Ramona: I had a great talk with Bethenny last night. We bared our souls (read: tits) to each other. It was good.
Luann: Until you screw it up again. *signature insane Luann laugh*

There’s a lot of awkward tension between Dorinda and Bethenny. Dorinda basically doesn’t think she needs to apologize for last night, because she was too blackout to remember. Instead of an apology, she’s basically like “whatever, I was drunk.” And instead of understanding the fact that sometimes when you drink tequila for multiple days straight, you say things you don’t mean, Bethenny is super pissed.

Sonja’s in a super good mood, which is making her really tired.

Sonja: I’m so exhausted from being happy!

Again, me:



Then Dorinda pulls Bethenny outside to apologize and Bethenny pulls off one of the greatest humble brags of all time. She starts crying and talking about how hard it is to be so successful because she doesn’t want to sound like she’s gloating all of the time. She’s truly a modern day Gretchen Wieners.

Bethenny: I have an emotional hangover. I’m back to being the crier.

I am TOTALLY going to use that line sometime in the very near future.

Everyone is getting massages and relaxing and boating and shit-talking.

Tinsley is on a boat planning a party to say thank you, but also fuck you, to Sonja for letting her live with her for a few months.

Carole says that she’s good at fishing even though she’s not good at very many things. If anyone wants to take a quick back-read through some of my recaps from this season and fish out all of the times Carole bragged about being good at something outdoorsy, but then complained that she’s not outdoorsy the next episode, please be my guest.

Surprise, surprise, Carole didn’t catch a fish so they go grab one from a market to pretend that she did. They even take a picture with the fish to make it look like Carole caught it. Of course, Luann isn’t buying it and assumes the captain caught it or something.

Finally, it’s the last night and everyone’s waiting for someone to fuck it all up.

Bethenny: I think to end this trip, somebody should be killed. It’s weird if we all go home too happy. I need my frenemies back.

Now that’s a woman that has her priorities straight!

For the last night, the women all go out to dinner and Tinsley is the drunkest one this time. It’s basically just more drunk yelling.

Luann: Tinsley, you should stop saying the F word so much because we’re at a restaurant.
Tinsley: Well, you say Palm Beach all of the time and it’s actually West Palm, soo… it’s West Palm, so whatever.

I can’t tell if that’s the best or worst comeback I’ve ever heard.

Anyway, next week is the season finale and I really hope they’re not all too hungover to make it interesting.