Did Clare Crawley Go To Prom? An Investigation

In case you haven’t been tuning into The Bachelorette(s?), Clare Crawley has basically been walking around with one giant-ass target on her back ever since she let her lady boner fly high the second Dale stepped out of the limo. In a matter of two 2-hour episodes (equating to like, 36 minutes of airtime when you take out the commercials), her suitors have been chastised for not stealing her away quick enough, forced to relive their childhood traumas, and turned into sexual pawns in a game of strip dodgeball. 

Needless to say, this week’s episode left a sour taste in the wine-ridden mouths of Bachelor Nation for many reasons, but one in particular has led to yet another Internet debacle after Clare’s chat with Chasen (and don’t ask me to put a name to a face, because with a name like Chasen, all else becomes irrelevant).

During yet another riveting round of “why am I so unlovable?”, Clare Crawley, a 39-year-old future Housewife of Sacramento, told Chasen she felt “invisible” in high school and that she never attended her prom after he admitted to being a high school hermit himself. And I repeat, the words, “Nobody even knew who I was in high school,” came out of her mouth. Mind you, this is no sweet, doe-eyed Desiree Hartsock we’re talking about. Clare might be batsh*t crazy, but the bottom line is she’s hot, and would’ve easily won the senior superlative for “Most Likely To Become A MILF.” 

In the context of the episode, the prom comment wasn’t that important, and would’ve quickly been forgotten if not for the resulting social media controversy. That’s right folks, we’ve got a #PromGate on our hands. For something so dumb, this story has a surprising amount of plot twists, so let’s break down the (un)important question at hand: DID CLARE CRAWLEY GO TO PROM?

The controversy was ignited when, after the episode aired, one woman got word of Clare’s confession, and her ears perked right up. She took to Instagram to post photos of her husband at a school dance with his date: the one and only Clare Crawley.


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After stating on last nights episode of #TheBachelorette that she never went to prom, Clare has been brutally rebuffed by @boymommerch.

A post shared by The Morning Toast (@themorningtoast) on

The original post has now been deleted (you’ll see why in a minute), but the caption of the post read, “My husband took @clarecrawley to senior prom, @clarecrawley you went to prom. #bachelorette #clarecrawley #seniorball #1999 #hothusband.”

Everything else aside, mad respect for the #hothusband hashtag. Power move. Truly, messy social media behavior doesn’t get much better than this. But here’s where it gets even better. Clare quickly got word of #PromGate and did some damage control by responding to another person claiming she’d been “exposed” with an articulate explanation of what really went down. 

She said, “Lol actually not. You do know there is more dances in high school that are NOT prom? Turns out it’s just someone digging up old photos. (why she keeps her husband’s old dance pics I’m not sure) I went to a new school senior year and in fact DID NOT go to prom just like I said.”

Ok, I don’t think it’s super weird to have old pictures from high school, but Clare poses a pretty solid argument in that there are like 12 different high school dances. Pretty sure I went stag at Homecoming, became half a virgin at Winter Formal and learned that tequila was the actual devil at Prom. It’s really just common knowledge. That said, I’m not sure why anyone would lie about something as minuscule as attending their high school prom, so Clare’s argument kind of felt believable. 

It’s impossible to tell just from the photos if they were from prom or another dance, but I went ahead and used my grade-A high school knowledge to do some simple addition anyway. Let’s circle back to alleged prom date’s wife and her savagery once again. One of her hashtags is the year #1999, and if we subtract 1999 from Clare’s birth year of 1981, we get 18, which is the age of your average high school ~senior~. Was this dance at Clare’s new school? Was she old for her grade? Prom or not, I still have questions.

But by Wednesday night, it appears that our original poster had a change of heart, and by that I mean her husband most likely saw what happened and freaked out. She deleted her original post, and posted an apology to Clare, saying that she “miss understood” (sp.) and that the photos were from another dance.

In the caption, she added that she “made a huge mistake at the expensive @clarecrawley.” Honestly, this woman deserves an award for her spelling and grammar, because I needed a laugh today. I’m not sure this actually qualifies as a “huge mistake”, but I get why she’s embarrassed. There’s nothing worse than realizing you were loud and wrong, and the woman has since made her Instagram account private.

So for now, it appears that Clare was telling the truth about missing out on prom, and I wish her all the best in working through that trauma. But maybe she should spend a little less time making passive aggressive comments on Instagram—just a thought! In the end, #PromGate turned out to be pretty lame, but I’m sure next week’s group therapy session episode will have some fun new memories to unpack.

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Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; boymommerch, themorningtoast / Instagram

Does ABC Actually Want ‘The Bachelor’ To Be Spoiled?

For the last 18 years, ABC has slowly sucked the will to live out of us with a torture device known as The Bachelor. I hate this show. But my god, I LOVE this show. You know what I mean? In the beginning, it was gripping because reality TV was relatively new, and we got to see people genuinely fall in love. In the end times (that’s us now, am I right COVID/murder hornets/Isaias?) it’s gripping because of the unconventional endings and the overwhelming desire to know which blonde women from the South will end up with the best FabFitFun sponsorship when it’s over. But, through the years, one thing that’s remained constant in Bachelor Nation is its disdain for spoilers. That’s right! Bring on the racists and the sex offenders, but don’t you DARE spoil this contrived mockery of modern courtship for the masses. Or at least, that’s what they say. But I’ve got another theory. I think ABC actually LOVES having the season spoiled. And, dare I say it…they may even spoil it themselves. Allow me to explain. 

First, let me lay out the evidence that ABC claims to hate spoilers. Just last season, Chris Harrison went on Almost Famous, Ben Higgins’ and Ashley I’s podcast, and told them that spoilers “ruin people’s lives,” are “disrespecting the hard work done by writers and producers,” and that people who spoil the season “have no self-worth.”

Oh, Chris. That’s cute. But people with no self-worth are busy ruining their lives by texting their cheating ex 73 times at 1am (hypothetically!), they don’t spoil The Bachelor. Producers also make the contestants sign an NDA when they go on the show, which of course includes a clause forbidding them from revealing the ending. 

But even with that clause and Chris Harrison publicly cursing Reality Steve’s name, somehow spoilers get out. Every season since Jason Mesnick’s, actually, and I know like 75% of you reading this were still wearing a diaper when he was publicly changing his mind (ugh, men). So, spoilers have been a part of the Bachelor franchise for a long time—longer than March 2020. And of course there are some reasons for this that don’t involve an underpaid production assistant getting wine drunk and chatty in a public place near a recording device. Obviously The Bachelor is a big production, and they have dates out in public, so naturally people are going to see them, take pictures, and tweet about it. And some seasons the lead even spoils it themselves. Kaitlyn Bristowe actually posted a Snapchat in bed with her winner Shawn Booth before the season finished airing. 

Well Kaitlyn just gave away who won the bachelorette on snapchat @RealitySteve pic.twitter.com/MlbIX3fNQx

— Graceanne Parks (@GraceanneParks) June 13, 2015

So, like, did Kaitlyn get in trouble for this? If she broke this clause in the NDA and didn’t get sued, can contestants on the show finally talk about “controversial topics” like feminism? Please hit me back, Bachelor lawyers. And, if she didn’t get sued, doesn’t that just further the idea that, at the very least, ABC doesn’t really care if their show is spoiled? The only consequence for her actions that I could find was when Jimmy Kimmel told her that ABC was “very, very mad.” Well! I didn’t know they were very, very mad! Two very’s! That should certainly serve as a strong deterrent to other contestants.

So, of course, plenty of people, spies and dummies alike, are spoiling The Bachelor. They have never been able to contain it. My bet is that ABC decided that if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Because we have finally made it to my star witness, the season that has me all riled up, Season 16 of The Bachelorette, aka The Clare Catastrophe™ . The Clare Catastrophe™ began all the way back in March, when Clare Crawley, woman who talks to crabs, was announced as the Bachelorette. And then her season was immediately put on hold due to COVID-19. That makes sense, they’re swapping a lot of bodily fluids over there. But now that we have the virus under control (lol I am a mole person and everyone is still dying) they began filming in July in one isolated location. One isolated location I might add, that immediately got leaked. That means no going out in public on dates, no leaving the property at all, and STILL spoilers got out. I’m no genius, but I’m pretttyyyyy sure that means that someone on location had to be the one to spill the metaphorical beans, no?

You can find our full explanation of The Clare Catastrophe ™ here, but I’ll give it to you quick to prove my point. First, Reality Steve found out that Dale Moss got the first impression rose. HOW WOULD ANYONE WHO WAS NOT THERE KNOW THAT? The call was coming from inside the house! And then we had the Reddit post that outlined pretty much EXACTLY what happened with Clare, and how Tayshia was coming in to replace her. AND THEN we have this Instagram account that revealed EVEN MORE about why Becca and Hannah Ann have shown up

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EMERGENCY BACHELORETTE UPDATE: A THREAD!!!!!!!!!🚨 #bachelornation #thebachelorette (via /thatsuitcaseguy twitter) *disclaimer this is a rumor wdk if it’s verified but sharing bc i love harmless piping hot bach nation tea

A post shared by alexandra nikolajev (@lexniko) on

Sorry for all the caps, guys, I realize this looks like an email from my grandpa, but I am THAT jazzed up about it. Because at this point they just want people to speculate. They could have easily made sure that no one knew Hannah Ann was coming and locked down the location, but they didn’t. 

So, we have the fact that the information about Clare’s season leaked even though they were quarantined for filming. And sure, some of the information could have been from contestants that were called back, but that doesn’t account for the location being leaked, the first impression rose info, and the story that was posted on Reddit. And then we have the fact that the show is getting a TON of publicity from this. Did I care two weeks ago about a sad, lonely old lady looking for love? Sure, but that old lady was me. Now I’m pumped to see how this season all goes down, there have been non-stop stories on major media outlets about the season every single day, and people give a sh*t again. HUH what do you know? So why wouldn’t the people who benefit from this the most be the ones to put it into action? 

Every website is talking about the "Bachelorette," all former contestants are on social media discussing it, they're congratulating Tayshia, etc. This is productions wet dream. We're over a month away from premiere & look at how many people are giddy over what's going on.

— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) August 5, 2020

And I’m sure this isn’t the last we’ll hear of this season. The leaks will just keep coming, they’ve opened up a can of worms. These spoilers are basically me with an episode of Schitt’s Creek. Once you watch one, you may as well stay up for 52 hours and watch the entire series! And though ABC will NEVER admit that they may have played a part in this or at the very least benefited from it, and I’m sure Chris Harrison will have a field day sh*tting on these spoilers during filming, you and I know the truth!

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Images: ABC/John Fleenor; Giphy (1); graceannparks, realitysteve/Twitter; lexniko/Instagram 

Is This How ‘The Bachelor’ Ends? The Final Spoiler Is Here

I know you all think the devil works hard and Kris Jenner works harder, but I can now definitively say that Reality Steve works the hardest. Because this man has just spoiled what Chris Harrison has described as the unspoil-able Bachelor season. *Slow clap for Reality Steve*. That’s right, this week the Godfather of reality TV spoilers finally got the confirmation he needed to reveal which Kappa Kappa Gamma social chair our precious Pachi is going to choose! See, 2020 isn’t so bad, after all!

Now, I don’t think it really needs to be said again because I’ve used the word spoiler an absurd amount of times so far, but to those of you not really paying attention because you’re recovering from the seven vodka sodas you drank last night when you went out for “just one drink,” the rest of this article WILL TELL YOU how The Bachelor ends. So if you don’t want to know, get the f*ck out. I don’t need any death threats in the comments, I already get enough of those from my family group chat. We’re not like Madison’s family, we don’t pass a plate around to compliment each other, we pass it around to smash on each other’s heads. So, with that, let’s take a look at how this all ends for our Bachelor.

Somewhere in the world right now, Peter is tormenting Madison with yet another salsa dance while he makes her beans and rice from a can and calls it “moro,” correcting her pronunciation each time. Here’s how it goes down: Madison leaves the show before the final rose ceremony. Peter then cancels that rose ceremony and doesn’t pick anyone. He goes home, pursues Madi, and eventually she gets over the fact that his dick was recently inside the girl featured prominently on her laundry detergent, and takes him back. They are currently dating but not engaged. Why do I get the feeling that since they’re not on The Bachelor anymore, those airplane hangar dinners have turned into dates at the Auntie Anne’s in Newark Airport’s Terminal A? I’m right, right?

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Don’t hold your breath Madison. Follow @shesallbach for more #bachelor memes ⭐️⭐️ #thebachelor #bachelormemes #bachelornation #thebachelorette #bachelorabc #bacheloretteabc #peterweber #thebachelorfinale

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Reality Steve also thinks that Peter is going to propose to Madi on After the Final Rose, which is how Chris Harrison is getting away with saying “Even Peter doesn’t know how it ends!” Which makes sense, because if Peter doesn’t know who he’s with right now I think that golf cart injury caused a much larger problem than just a gaping head wound that not even TV makeup could keep from looking like a vagina on his forehead.

chris harrison: not even peter knows how this season ends…
me: #thebachelor pic.twitter.com/Kua8bodZju

— riley!! (@frenchfryley) March 3, 2020

Now, there was a bit of excitement after Reality Steve posted his final spoiler because apparently what happens in this finale is more heavily guarded than a cruise ship filled with coronavirus. In the aftermath of his spoiler, he tweeted this:

Just gonna put this out there. Since my post this morning, I’ve been on my phone non stop. Plenty of things being said. The whole thing is a mess. Being told so many different things now. Original sources sticking by what they said. New sources saying that’s not it. It’s madness!

— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) March 5, 2020

So, what does that mean, Steve?!?! I’ve got a deadline and I can only pretend to be looking for GIFs for my real job for so long before my boss starts to catch on. Nothing I work on in corporate America requires a short video of Kristen Wiig miming a blow job! So I’m going to give you a very professional line I obviously learned from People magazine: as of press time (lol), Reality Steve has not changed his spoiler so we’re going with it. Madison is the winner. Sorry, I mean Madison is the lucky recent college graduate who gets to spend the rest of her life with the black stain on Delta’s reputation.

Unfortunately, this means that the theories I wrote about earlier this season have been proven false. Shall we revisit a few of them for a little fun?

No One Is Pregnant

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Let’s acknowledge the Élephante in the room. I’m hanging with my chicks ❤️

A post shared by Kelley Flanagan (@kelleyflanagan) on

This theory was recently revived by the fact that Kelley wasn’t at the Women Tell All taping. Kelley stans claim that’s because she got pregnant with Peter’s child during their hotel encounter in August. How romantic! But let’s not pretend like Peter isn’t one to prematurely ejaculate in a bathroom stall during their first sexual encounter, okay? Reality Steve says Kelley is not pregnant, and I’m inclined to agree. If she was, she would be seven months along right now! ABC would never be able to resist a Beyoncé-style reveal at the WTA; she would have definitely been invited. Plus, if any girl on this show was trying to get pregnant to trap our lead, don’t you think it would be someone who is, say, a “content creator”, rather than a lawyer? Exactly.

He Does Not End Up With a Producer

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New Years Eve lunch with the gang at Carmine’s

A post shared by Peter Weber (@747flyr) on

The producers of The Bachelor are all bound by a blood oath and a coven of 100 witches to never turn against ABC, never f*ck a lead, and to receive 35k a year as payment for ruining contestants’ lives (and then devise a segment on how bad bullying is). So this was never going to happen. My condolences to all of you poor, innocent souls that bought this one. I hope you’ll be more cynical next time.

Hannah Brown Does Not Come Back

Much to our Bachelor recapper’s dismay, Hannah Brown will not be returning to steal Peter’s heart. She thought about it, but then she saw the pus oozing out of his stitches and immediately demanded that the historic windmill in which they banged (four times!) be destroyed and found a doctor to perform the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind procedure on her.  She is now living in bliss with no memory of Peter, off to dance her ass off on tour with a more lucrative ABC show.

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Will you accept this tea? ☕ Hannah Brown turned down the offer as the next #Bachelorette, and after today's announcement, we want to know your thoughts. ⬇️ (📷:Getty)

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And there is your final Bachelor spoiler of the season! I’m looking forward to being chained to my couch for four hours next week to watch something play out exactly as I know it will! I’ll see you all there. Bring me wine!

Images: Francisco Roman / ABC; shesallbach, kelleyflanagan, 747flyr, enews/instagram; realitysteve, frenchfryley/Twitter

What’s With Mainstream Outlets Spoiling ‘The Bachelorette’ This Season?

If you couldn’t guess from the headline of this article, today we’re going to be discussing spoilers for this season of The Bachelorette! So uh, if you’re one of the 10 people who doesn’t know about the ending of this season yet, feel free to stop reading now.

*moment of silence so hopefully I don’t get yelled at in the comments for spoilers*

Okay, we back. So at this point, it’s not really even a spoiler to say that Jed had a girlfriend when he went on The Bachelorette. I feel like I practically know the woman at this point, and there’s no doubt that Jed is a lying piece of sh*t who only wants to promote his equally sh*tty music. The thing that is still a spoiler is that Jed ends up winning this season, outlasting douchelord Luke and man of my dreams, Tyler.

Diving further into the spoilers, last week Reality Steve broke the news that Hannah ended her engagement with Jed after finding out about the girlfriend stuff, and now their relationship is apparently 100% over. I’m happy for her, and I’m also happy that the breakup was reportedly filmed and will be shown on After The Final Rose. Thank God for Mike Fleiss being a messy bitch who lives for drama.

While all of this drama with Jed is interesting, it’s not truly surprising, because literally all men are trash. What actually surprises me is how widely this season’s spoilers have spread. Last night, I was casually scrolling down Twitter when I happened upon this tweet from Cosmo:Okay Cosmo, feeling reckless?? If you’ll notice, up at the top of this article, I put a nice little warning that I was going to talk about spoilers for the rest of The Bachelorette. It took me 10 seconds to write! I’ve never cared that much about spoilers, but there are some people who would be seriously disappointed to see this from a mainstream account like Cosmo. 

This specific tweet might have been a faux pas, but it’s representative of a larger trend that’s happening with The Bachelorette this year. While spoilers for this show have always been pretty easily accessible, usually you have to go looking for them at least a little bit. Everyone knows that you shouldn’t follow Reality Steve if you don’t want spoilers, but usually major entertainment accounts aren’t just spoiling the show right on their feed. At least, not without warning people first.

Is this just a natural progression of everyone living their lives on social media? Or has the ongoing saga of Hannah B and Jed unlocked something specific in Bachelor nation? I have a feeling that it’s a bit of both. Obviously, it can be tough to avoid spoilers for any show on social media. I didn’t even watch Game of Thrones, but I still knew exactly what happened in each episode from spending two minutes on Twitter.

But also, people have really been loving Hannah as the Bachelorette this season, and to hear that Jed so thoroughly f*cked her over is just…ugh. Usually I don’t really care about these people, but I think everyone really just wants the best for Hannah B. I’m glad that she’s kicked Jed to the curb, because she definitely deserves better.

Even if we already pretty much know exactly what’s going to happen, I’m fascinated to watch the end of this season play out, especially with the drama that’s going to happen on After The Final Rose. It’s going to be a wild ride, and obviously we’ll keep you updated with any new spoilers. That is, if you don’t see them on Twitter first.

Images: ABC, cosmopolitan / Twitter

SPOILER: Jed Having A GF Before ‘The Bachelorette’ Is Going To Be A Huge Deal

I’ll start with a confession: I generally find The Bachelor and The Bachelorette pretty boring. It doesn’t do that much for me to see the same parade of idiots season after season pretend that they’re ready to get engaged to a stranger. Every year when we’re promised the “most dramatic season ever,” I just roll my eyes. So imagine my surprise in realizing that this season is…actually really good? There have been some truly dramatic twists with the guys, and Hannah B is unexpectedly kind of a badass. ABC did a good job, and if the spoilers hold up, it looks like the end of this season is not going to disappoint.

If you don’t want spoilers, stop reading now, and also why did you even click on this article? As many of you probably know, a couple weeks ago Reality Steve publicly changed his prediction of who was going to win The Bachelorette. He originally predicted Tyler C would win. Now he’s all in on Jed, who conveniently had a girlfriend when he went on the show. That’s a whole other thing that somehow didn’t stop him from making it to the end, but it’s all catching up with him now.

(EXCLUSIVE SPOILER)…I can confirm that Hannah broke off her engagement to Jed earlier this week. They are still "together," but the engagement is off. This isn't a "don't ever talk to me again" from what I'm being told, but it's also not all rainbows and daffodils either…

— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) June 27, 2019

On Thursday night, Reality Steve said he can confirm that Hannah has broken off her engagement with Jed. Wow. I mean, he definitely deserves it if all the girlfriend stuff is really true, but I’m still pretty proud of Hannah for pulling the trigger. According to Reality Steve, their relationship isn’t necessarily 100% over, and they’re still on speaking terms, but it’s obviously a good time to take a step back and really think things through.

Of course, we won’t hear any of this from Hannah’s mouth until the season comes to an end, but I really hope it gets addressed on the Finale/After the Final Rose. It’s not like there haven’t been any asshole women on The Bachelor, but I feel like especially the guys feel like they can get away with this type of sh*t year after year. Jed deserves to get dragged on national television if all the accusations are true, and I’m setting my DVR now.

Before you ask, neither me nor Reality Steve have any idea if Hannah is reconsidering a relationship with Tyler, or if he would even want that. He might have gone to Paradise, or he could very well be the next Bachelor. Basically, we don’t know where all the chips are going to fall at the end of this mess, but the engagement is over.

(EXCLUSIVE SPOILER) With that said, I know you will all ask me about Tyler, and will she get back with him, and are they together, have they talked, etc. I don't know. Who knows if Tyler would even want that. Maybe he'd rather be the "Bachelor?" I'm not gonna answer for him

— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) June 27, 2019

Maybe there’s still time for Hannah to make it to the end of Paradise, but honestly all those clowns men probably aren’t good enough for her. I’m wishing her the best, because she somehow seems to be the person here with her priorities most in order. Except when it comes to Luke P, because he has her totally dickmatized.

This situation is still developing, so we’ll see what happens between now and the end of this season. Maybe Hannah will hop on a flight back to Latvia for a couple weeks of soul searching. Either way, I’m sure Chris Harrison will be getting a lot of late night stress texts, and we should be in for a great last few weeks of The Bachelorette.

Images: ABC; realitysteve (2) / Twitter

Wait, Luke P. Was At A Bar In Birmingham Last Night

For those of you who read Reality Steve, I’m sure you know the answer to this question. But I like to approach my reality TV watching as though we still lived in simpler times, when we simply allowed the television to tell us what happened next, instead of ruining everything by reading a synopsis online like a bunch of maniacs. This is all to say: please don’t spoil the season in the comments. Let us speculate in peace about why oh why Luke P., aka the guy who’s been acting like he wants to wear Hannah’s skin as a suit, was spotted at a bar in Birmingham, Alabama last night.

Luke P is,
and i cannot stress this enough,
at el barrio in birmingham. pic.twitter.com/IZxSsXBKjf

— lacey (@dddrop_the_lace) May 30, 2019

Twitter user lacey did America a giant favor last night by snapping some not-so-discreet pics of Luke out at a bar in Birmingham. As some of you may recall (roll tide!), Hannah herself is from Alabama, though a quick Google search reveals she was born in Tuscaloosa, and raised between there and Northport, Alabama. A quick Google maps search (look at me, revealing all my tricks) shows that Birmingham is a solid hour drive from both Tuscaloosa and Northport. So, certainly not an insurmountable trip—but it also means Luke’s not exactly in her backyard.

This caused people (my friends I was out with at the bar when they showed me this tweet) to wonder: did Luke make it to the end? Did he (god forbid) actually win? Was he in Birmingham in some desperate ploy to win Hannah back after being eliminated? Was he going to pull a Jason and show up with a scrapbook? I had to find out the truth.

Spoilers ahead of Luke’s Bachelorette journey. You have been warned. 

Twitter reactions to this news have ranged from “please no” to “go read Reality Steve,” with another gracious Twitter user popping in to (spoilers spoilers get out now spoilers) confirm that Reality Steve says Luke P.’s trip to Alabama is not Bachelorette related. Phew! The mystery of who does get Hannah’s final rose is intact, but we have some confirmation that Hannah doesn’t make the worst possible choice and end up with Luke.

I actually just DM’d @RealitySteve …says it’s not Bachelorette related. It’s okay everyone! ?

— Laura Goldman (@GOODasGOLDman) May 31, 2019

For those of you wondering why exactly it would be so bad for Hannah to pick Luke: well, I take it you’re not watching the show, which makes your presence here confusing, but whatever. Luke might be the most toxic presence on a Bachelor franchise since Leo in Paradise, which is really saying something. (I don’t count Cam as an equal threat because he was eliminated so quickly. Luke has more staying power.) Luke got the first impression rose, and clearly he was reading Bachelorette subreddits before he got there, because he seemed to know immediately that that made him a frontrunner.

What he didn’t know, however, was that being a frontrunner does not give you permission to act like Hannah is 1) only there for you or 2) your literal property. Luke fails on both those counts, constantly trying to pull Hannah away from the group, loudly announcing that he “wouldn’t leave” Hannah’s hotel room even if she asked him to, and saying he’ll “pretend that conversation never happened” when Hannah gives him rightful sh*t about his attitude. On top of that, there’s his totally alarming refrain of “she’s everything I’m looking for in a woman,” which almost always means “I have a very specific checklist called Things A Woman Should Be and the second she smashes my fantasy I will turn on her.”

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I just want to address the elephant in the room here really quick. First I want you all to know how hard it has been for me to watch myself this season so far. Regardless of what is aired AND IF @alabamahannah and I are together or not my behavior in all situations has been and will continue to be exposed. I have learned a lot and I am continuing to learn about my flaws as a man. I’m the first to admit I am far from perfect. This journey has giving me a great opportunity to grow and mature as a man, for that I am grateful. For those of you who are on this journey with me I am grateful for your support and hope you get to learn and grow from my mistakes with me!

A post shared by Luke Joshua Parker (@luke_parker777) on

To his credit, Luke P. (or his publicist) has at least recognized that his on-screen behavior has been troubling, and offered an Instagram apology. That being said, red flags are red flags—and while I’m glad that Luke’s presence in Alabama is reportedly not because he’s engaged to Hannah, I’m also not crazy about the idea of him being sent home and then planning an impromptu trip to Hannah’s home state. Yes, it could be totally innocent. But Hannah, if you’re reading, keep your eyes open in case he comes around. From what we’ve seen so far on The Bachelorette, I would not put it past him.

Images: @dddrop_the_lace / Twitter

This ‘Bachelorette’ Contestant Was Sent Home Early For The Craziest Reason

Maybe we misjudged all along why ABC chose Hannah for The Bachelorette. It wasn’t how real she was or how bubbly—it was because they wanted to sic the biggest bunch of losers they could find on someone, and they knew Hannah had enough pageant-girl charm to survive it without murdering someone on camera. The latest news to be filed under “ABC doesn’t know how to conduct background checks” is about (SPOILERS AHEAD, I REPEAT, SPOILERS AHEAD. STOP READING IF YOU DO NOT WANT IT SPOILED) Tyler G., otherwise known as Jared Haibon with a stronger jaw. Hannah picked him for her first one-on-one this week, and while America largely napped through their time together, it honestly puts him in a great position. Or so we thought. According to Reality Steve, Tyler G. is going home next week—and the reason is shocking. And I mean actually shocking, not in the way Chris Harrison says it.

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??finally caught up to her. what’d you guys think of last nights episode???

A post shared by Tyler Gwozdz (@tygwozdz) on

Here’s what Reality Steve had to say about Tyler’s departure from the show:

While the guys were out on date, production came to the mansion and removed Tyler G. from the show. They had been given some information about his past relationships and told him it wouldn’t be good for him to remain on the show and he needed to leave immediately. If you search hard enough on the internet, you can find out what was said. I don’t believe any of the women have come forward publicly with their names attached to it yet that I’ve seen, so while we don’t know if there’s receipts and proof of anything, the accusations were disturbing to say the least and production and legal for ABC thought it was serious enough to remove him from the show. Don’t wanna make it worse for the guy than it already is, so I won’t repeat what the accusations were. But they’re out there if you look.

Wow. Wow wow wow. Since Steve doesn’t “wanna make it worse for the guy,” I’m happy to take the reins from here. Given that the behavior in question is about “past relationships,” that the accusers involved all seem to be women, and that the accusations were “disturbing to say the least,” I think it’s fair to say that—if these allegations are true—I will have zero qualms making this guy’s life as bad as possible. I’m certain each and every guy who has ever gone on the Bachelor franchise has been a sh*tty boyfriend at some point in their lives, but if it’s sh*tty enough for multiple women to air their concerns—and for ABC to take those concerns seriously and remove the guy from the show—then I’m guessing we’re dealing with more than a petty complaint.

Just watching this Tyler G date knowing what’s coming next week is cringeworthy.

— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) May 21, 2019

It took roughly 2.5 seconds (and this Cosmo article) to find the “disturbing” accusations Reality Steve is referring to—of course, they’re on Reddit and posted on a throwaway account. Here’s what it says: “two of my best friends went to high school with Tyler Gwozdz. They both say that he is the BIGGEST asshole douche of all time. My friend used the words ‘extreme misogynist.'” Ok, so far—don’t kill me—forgivable! I have several male friends who were genuinely terrible people in high school; change is, in fact, possible.

But the post continues: “The story that most caught my attention involves his treatment of an ex. Apparently he dated a really sweet girl but they would get in public screaming matches often. The relationship ended horrifically – while in Europe he SPIT ON HER and left.” Okay, yeah, I’m out. Even public screaming matches I think I could sort of get past—it’s not clear if they’re both yelling equally, and maybe they were both toxic to each other. But spitting on her? When James Kennedy spit on Kristen Doute’s door back in 2015, it was a moment of disrespect heard ’round the world. Had he spit on her directly—knowing what I do now about Kristen—I genuinely think she might have killed him. The point here? Spitting on someone is never cool, and dramatically colors my perception of who was being the more aggressive party in those aforementioned screaming matches.

I mean, are we really surprised?

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You're Abe Froman? The sausage king of Chicago? #stpattysday #ithinkiscaredthisguy

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Word of Tyler G.’s behavior may have gotten back to ABC via Ashley Spivey, an ex-Bachelor contestant with a habit of ferreting out Bachelorette contestants’ worst behavior. (She got both Garrett and Lincoln’s shady pasts exposed on Becca K.’s season.) Per the comment thread of this Reddit post (investigative journalism at its finest right here), someone sent the thread to Ashley, who then replied and promised to share that information with ABC. Judging from Reality Steve’s update, it sounds like she made good on that promise.

All that remains to be seen is how this information will be presented to Hannah next week. Reality Steve says that Tyler is removed while the others are on a group date, so will they just pretend nothing happened? Or will Chris Harrison announce Tyler’s alleged crimes for the world to hear? Only time (and Reality Steve) will tell…

Images: @tygwozdz (2) / Instagram; @RealitySteve / Twitter; DisneyABCPress

Jenna Cooper And Reality Steve’s Feud Has Escalated

Bachelor Nation never ceases to amaze us with the absurdity that puts their contestants people in the limelight. The Jenna Cooper-Jordan Kimball drama continues but this time, Jordan is nowhere to be heard (but we’ll get to that later). Instead, Jenna Cooper and Reality Steve now have beef. Jenna posted a public statement on Instagram this weekend addressing the text messages Reality Steve posted in his article exposing her fake relationship. Nine hours later, Reality Steve posted his statement on Twitter in response. This is a classic “he said, she said” dilemma told via screenshots from the Notes app, so let me break it down for you.

The Plaintiff: Jenna Cooper

Jenna has accused Steve of publishing “fake texts” and telling “vicious lies” about her. Her lawyers have requested he hand over the text files so they can “forensically examine” them (see below). As well, Steve has been asked to identify who sent him these files and how he was able to “vet” their authenticity. See below for Jenna’s full statement (and gratuitous glamor shot).


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Swipe for my statement about this past week’s developments. I really miss all of you, and can’t wait to bring back the positivity.✨

A post shared by Jenna Cooper (@jennacooperfit) on

I have a few issues with her statement. I get it girl, if these texts weren’t from you then I’d be v pissed. But not once did you mention in your statement that you didn’t cheat on Jordan. Steve explained in his statement that she neglected to mention that the cheating rumor was false. Even Shakespeare would agree, “the lady doth protest too much” aka she’s denying everything so much, it’s basically admitting she did it.

The Defendant: Reality Steve

Steve posted his counter-statement on Twitter following Jenna’s allegations. He stated that Jenna’s lawyers demanded he release the information on who sent him the text messages in question. If he refused to do so, they would assume the messages were “fabricated to harm Jenna.” That seems like a rather large jump to conclusion, but whaetvs, I’m not a lawyer. Keep in mind, which Steve also includes in his statement, that he has dealt with his fair share of drama when it comes to releasing spoilers about The Bachelor so he has done his research on what he is legally allowed to post or not. Here’s Steve’s rebuttal to Jenna’s allegations.

Here is my response to Jenna’s silly Instagram post she put up at 12:30am this morning. Go check it out if you haven’t had a good laugh to start your day… pic.twitter.com/AVIz8mcCRw

— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) September 22, 2018

Sidenote: lol that Steve’s first instinct was to call out the modeling pic.

The Breakdown

  1. Reality Steve publishes an article containing what he claims are text messages between Jenna and a man who is not Jordan, basically expressing that she was never in love with Jordan.
  2. Jenna released a public statement about the messages 10 days after Steve’s original article was published. Why did she wait so long to release a statement? Weird.
  3. Jenna accuses Steve of hiding behind his lawyer during this whole confrontation but she began this fiasco with her lawyers reaching out to him. Seems rather hypocritical.
  4. Jenna is asking Steve for the original messages so they can be “forensically examined.” IDK how you forensically examine text messages. Also, Steve was sent screenshots of messages from his anonymous source so that’s not going to help her in a forensic examination (whatever that entails).
  5. Steve claims that these messages have “been verified they are from Jenna, these are confirmed from her phone number, so in case you have any doubts, just know this has been vetted out.” I have a few issues with this statement in his original article. Firstly, is the only way they were verified is from the anonymous source who sent them? Not so reliable. Secondly, how were they confirmed they were from her phone number and how do we know for sure someone didn’t just spoof Jenna’s number? (Yes, I watch Law & Order: SVU.)
  6. Jenna is asking Steve to reveal his anonymous source. But by doing this, Steve risks losing his reputation as a reliable source of information and breaking the trust he has with those who provide him with information. He’s also not legally obligated to reveal his sources. Also, unless Jenna has cheated on Jordan with multiple men, why does she need to know the identity of the source?
  7. Where is Jordan in all this? Would love to get his thoughts.

The Verdict

TBH I’m no lawyer so I can’t say for sure. BUT, I can say that I think Jenna looks pretty ridiculous. If she spent half her time denying the cheating allegations as much as she denies those texts are from her, then maybe she’d be in a different situation. Also, by getting lawyers involved in all this, she’s only prolonging the amount of time it’s going to take for people to forget about this scandal. Like, I don’t really get the point of this. Jenna already lost Jordan; what good is going to come out of this “investigation”? I think it’s also telling that when Reality Steve’s lawyers wouldn’t comply to Jenna’s requests, she took everything public to social media. Would you really do that if you had a winning case? Not according to the fake, honorary law degree bestowed upon me by Dick Wolf.

In any case, I love a good scandal, so I’m excited to watch this circus continue to play out in the media, if for nothing else, so that I can put off thinking about Colton for a little longer. I will be waiting for updates with bated breath.

Giphy: Images (2)