We here at Betches are no strangers to reality TV. The Bachelor franchise, The Real Housewives of any city, Vanderpump Rules—you name it, we’ve watched it, written about it, talked to the stars, and then inevitably offended them. Given that, I thought I’d seen it all. I was under the impression that the world of reality TV had nothing left to offer me. Man, have I never been more wrong in my entire life. It gives me sincere pleasure to introduce those of you who are unfamiliar to the UK’s single greatest export: Love Island.

Love Island is a British reality TV show currently in its fourth season that I started watching a couple weeks back while I was testing out a CBD drink. Needless to say, I was in the ideal headspace to embark on this adventure.

I only know about Love Island because I follow a hilarious girl on Twitter who talks about it nonstop, but you might know it from your Instagram explore page. On any given day, I feel like there are at least five memes about it, and I set out to find out why. My greatest regret is that I will never be able to truly repay the girl who introduced me to Love Island, but will spend the rest of my life trying. I will name my first child after her. I will bring her up in my wedding vows. Bolu, if you’re reading this, you have given my life renewed purpose. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

World Cup is over but Love Island still lives…ultra femme culture reigning supreme once again

— bolu babalola (@BeeBabs) July 16, 2018

The premise is this: Love Island is like if you combined Bachelor in Paradise (a bunch of hot single people stuffed into one vacation resort), Big Brother (because the audience gets to occasionally vote people off), and The Challenge (because the challenges are forced and unnecessarily sexual), but then you went one step further and gave everyone a British accent that range from Downton Abbey to the barely coherent ramblings of what I now understand to be someone from Liverpool. I physically cannot get enough of it.

The show is hosted by Caroline Flack, who, from my very limited understanding, seems to have a Ryan Seacrest-esque role in English pop culture. I only know who she is from the height of my One Direction days, because she was allegedly hooking up with a 17-year-old Harry Styles when she was 15 years his senior. I have nothing but admiration for the woman.

The Flack only shows up for the semi-regular occasions when Islanders are being voted off the show, a ceremony she presides over only after at least three people comment on how hot she is. It’s hard to watch people achieving your dreams, you know?

Me: Love Island is everything that Bachelor in Paradise wishes it could be.
You:

I can’t speak to seasons one through three (yet), but season four started with 11 islanders who were forced to couple up and then immediately share a bed while they wrestled with their feelings (or lack thereof) for each other. But wait, it gets better—all the beds are in ONE ROOM. The only way to switch bedmates is to re-couple, a process that usually results in someone being sent home. New islanders are introduced throughout the course of the season which, wait for it, lasts all summer long. That may sound pretty par for the course for a summer dating show, until you find out that a new episode airs almost EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK.

If Shakespeare were alive to experience the comedy of errors that is Love Island, he would immediately break into tears because he himself had not thought of it first. Love Island is a modern day Midsummer Night’s Dream, except it lasts an entire summer and instead of fairies we have alcohol and a spiteful narrator who exists solely to mock the contestants.

On the surface, Love Island may just sound like an absolute sh*t show made up of outrageously attractive people making uncannily poor decisions, but it’s so much more than that. Unlike The Bachelor, where someone goes on two dates over the course of six weeks and then declares themselves to be head over heels in love with a near stranger, the contestants on Love Island approach relationships in a way that is eerily authentic. Beware, spoilers ahead.

You could have your faith in love rocked when a couple like Wes and Laura, who have been solid from day done, immediately fall apart the second that a Margo Robbie look-alike expresses even the slightest bit of interest. You could have that faith restored as you watch Dani, the daughter of an actor, and Jack, a man with very white teeth who sells pens, fall in love on national TV before your very eyes! I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that I would go to war for them.

You could find yourself sympathizing for Georgia when Josh abandons her for a girl he meets at Casa Amor, just days after she tells him she’s falling for him. You could then find yourself remembering why Georgia deserves almost zero sympathy as she turns on her friends and then yells “I’M G, I’M LOYAL, I AIN’T LIKE THAT BABES” into the camera for six straight hours.

You could find yourself screaming at your TV, wondering why the hot, well-spoken, kind, literal DOCTOR has found himself single week after week when the shitty personal trainer who has screwed over two different girls in the span of 11 days is still plowing through women. You could find yourself equally upset over the fact that the shining star of this show, Samira, is woefully under-appreciated amidst a sea of girls who are not as funny as her. Then you remember your own life and you’re like, wait, that adds up.

Basically, watching this show is just as painful and fascinating as watching your friends date, but in this case every single one of your friends is an Instagram model who says things like “bruv”.

Should you watch Love Island? Obviously. Will you love it? Maybe. Will you mock me in the comments for passionately ranting about it for almost 1,000 words? Undoubtedly. But that doesn’t matter, because I have Love Island, and honestly? That’s all I need.

Images: Courtesy of ITV; @BeeBabs/Twitter; we-kant-even/Tumblr

This week on The Bachelor Chris Harrison announces that everyone will be going to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, a destination where people go to catch a cruise ship to literally anywhere else. I have a lot of questions for ABC about this destination. First, they couldn’t even spring for Miami?? Is it because Bekah M’s parents wouldn’t sign her permission slip? Or is it just that Nick’s season performed so poorly that they actually lost money and had to cut the budget somewhere? Because that’s the only reason for Arie to be over here telling us how “sexy” and “cool” Ft. Lauderdale is. The. only. reason.

The First One-On-One Date

The first one-on-one date goes to Chelsea, and I’m v surprised. Normally Arie reserves the one-on-one dates for girls he doesn’t like but knows he should because they’re either beautiful, smart, or born within the same decade as him; or girls he likes but knows he shouldn’t so the world won’t think he’s a pedophile. Chelsea is age-appropriate, has a son, seems mature, and is actually looking for a stable, committed relationship. Actually, wait, maybe Chelsea does fall into one of these categories.

Arie left her hanging just like Rose did Jack when she was hogging that whole fucking door. I’m sure this isn’t an indicator of what their future will look like together. Nope, not at all.

Wait, so Maquel gets to just come back? Seinne is like “she bounced back from that death in the family a lot sooner than we all expected” and it’s like, yeah, I thought her grief would last longer than 48 hours as well.

MAQUEL: I felt jealous when I saw Arie and Chelsea together. I was like, “dang I want to be on a yacht.”

Don’t ever say Maquel isn’t here for the right reasons, people.

Chelsea keeps talking about how her ex “swept her off her feet” and fed her all sorts of lies about being able to afford nice things for her and her son. Which is kind of like week two when production allowed Arie to look in their prop closet Arie bought the other Becca Louboutins and a new wardrobe. I would not hitch my wagon to his star, Chel.

Honestly, Chelsea’s sob story just makes me want to set the entire male population on fire (lol as if I didn’t already). I know some people don’t like Chelsea, but I think she’s too good for this show. She’s definitely the girl Arie should be with but won’t because he’d rather bang the babysitter Bekah M.

The Group Date

We’re 0.03 seconds into this bowling group date and I’ve already started drafting a letter with constructive criticism hate mail to ABC demanding answers for wtf I’m watching on my screen. Did Arie just lick that bowling ball? DID HE?? ABC, I know you don’t have a lot to work with here but this really isn’t the way to work on Arie’s sex appeal.

Jesus.

Also, I love that all the girls are drinking out of Solo cups. And that they’re getting shitfaced off a single Solo cup of beer. What must it be like to live inside those livers? Is it all rainbows and sunshine gluten-free protein shakes? Do little birds sing and dress them in the mornings as well?

Oh God, they’re cheering. This is more painful to watch than my Snap story on Saturday morning. I’m waiting for one of the girls on the pink team to be like “you’re being a cheer-tator, Kendall, and a pain in my ass!”

What do the winners of this bowling competition get? Arie’s attention split between six girls instead of 12? Ladies, we’re better than this!

In a complete twist of events Team Ratchet Spare Roses actually wins the competition! I guess half a can of Bud Light can make a winner out of anyone, except me my freshman year of college.

Lol wait Arie just changed his mind and said all the girls can come to the cocktail party later. Little does he know of the riot he surely just incited between the winning and losing teams.

Soooo apparently some tea was fucking spilled on the bus ride back to the mansion. Krystal apparently kept going on and on about how much of a liar Arie is and how betrayed she feels and blah, blah, blah. Tbh she kind of sounds like me when my Uber driver refuses to let me eat pizza in his car, but whatever.

OMFG SHE’S NOT GOING TO THE PARTY. WHAT. Krystal says—and I quote—that she is not going on the date and has her bags packed. Wow that is a bold fucking move, one which I definitely think will work in her favor because something tells me that Arie likes when women fuck with his mind and emotions.

ARIE: Where’s Krystal?

BEKAH M: She’s pouting at home, which is something I would never do because I’m so mature even though I’m 22. Maturity has nothing to do with age and age is nothing but a number and I’M SO FREAKING MATURE OKAY.

ME:

Wow this plan really worked in Krystal’s favor, huh? Arie is really going all the way up there to talk to her one-on-one.

I love how Arie is trying to give her this stern talking-to while also trying to conceal a boner after witnessing all her crazy. Like, is this their foreplay? I would take him more seriously when he says “this is what I don’t want in a relationship” if he didn’t just rush off to the house to go hang out with Krystal three seconds after hearing she was upset with him.

Anyway, back to the cocktail party portion of the date. Once again, Arie is feeling up Bekah M like her curfew ends in 15 minutes.

BEKAH M: You keep bringing all of these insecurities up about me!

ARIE: I know I just worry… that you might be underage.

KRYSTAL IS COMING TO THE PARTY. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. This girl has got some balls. I would say let’s wait to see how this plays out, but I know she def makes it to next week because ABC just blatantly showed her in the promo for the new episode. ABC, YOU ARE TRASH.

Bekah M must have just had her bday, because girl has herself a martini. You can tell she thinks this makes her look more mature than her normal drink order of Tito’s and soda. You’re not fooling anyone, honey.

Lauren B keeps getting more and more screen time, and I wish she wouldn’t, because she’s killing my buzz. Seriously, she looks like the kind of girl who counts how many drinks she’s had when she goes out and then declares “I’m wasted” by 11pm.

The Other One-On-One Date

Tia gets the other one-on-one date and I have no idea how we’re only an hour into this episode. I feel like I’ve aged 12 years since the group date.

Honestly, I have nothing to say about this date. They eat fried corn on the cob and talk about “frogging” and I think I’d rather watch my toenails grow than this date for one more fucking second.

Be real with me ABC, is Chris Harrison phoning it in this season? Because if he REALLY wanted it to be the most dramatic season ever, he could have found a way to make that alligator attack. Soak their underwear in meat, perhaps?

I just don’t feel like Raven—sorry, Tia—is that into Arie? I feel like she’s only here because production couldn’t get Raven to come on again.

Arie keeps talking about his come-to-Jesus moment when he realized it was time to stop banging sorority girls settle down and he says it was at his brother’s wedding. Which was also around the same time that his Bachelor contract was signed and finalized. Weird.

Oh god Tia just dropped the love bomb on Arie and I can’t. Tia, are we looking at the same guy here?? You really think your future involves this guy? Really?

The Rose Ceremony

The rose ceremony starts off strong with everyone wanting a piece of Krystal. And I literally mean a piece. If she’s not drawn and quartered by the end of this episode by the angry mob of women with beautifully done barrel curls, then I will be genuinely surprised.

KRYSTAL: Just to be clear, yesterday I wasn’t pouting, I was investing in myself.

ALSO KRYSTAL:

Okay, I’ve had just about enough of Bekah M this episode. She’s gunning for Krystal so hard rn and all it’s doing is proving to me that you can take the girl out of a sorority chapter meeting, but you can’t take the sorority chapter meeting out of the girl. Don’t get me wrong, I HATE Krystal, but Bekah M is really letting her age show. She’s trying so hard to be mature and “above all the drama” and then inserts herself right in the middle of it. Bekah, honey, let me give you some advice. If you want to seem more mature maybe stop verbally sparring with a person who thinks she can end an argument with a glitter mic drop.

Okay, how is Jacqueline still here? I don’t think I’ve heard her say any words? Does she speak?

Arie and Krystal have it out another time before the rose ceremony. Wait wait wait wait WAIT. Krystal grew up in a bowling alley? And she didn’t have a bed and she raised her now homeless younger brother? Is this the plot of a Lifetime movie or her actual life? Can someone please fact-check this for me?

KRYSTAL: *laughs* I guess we just had our first fight!

ARIE: This could be our last fight.

ME:

The rose ceremony goes as such: Maquel, Marikh, and Ashley all go home, which proves if you are crazy you will go far in this game. I would have gone far in this game. Perhaps I’ll try and channel my inner infant the next time I try and seduce my Hinge date.

And on that note, see you next week bitches!

Images: ABC (3); Giphy (5); Bachelor ABC / Instagram

Did you know we have a podcast where we just talk about The Bachelor? Listen to The Betchelor here!

The start of The Bachelor Winter Games cannot come soon enough. I need a new Bachelor show because this season has been v disappointing so far: Arie has dethroned Chris Soules as the dumbest most boring lead in franchise history, and I’m just kind of over Bekah’s pixie cut and fur coat combination. We get it, you’re a cool 22-year-old. So, as if I wasn’t already counting down the days, the news that fuckboy extraordinaire Dean Unglert has a new girlfriend from the show got me all excited. From daddy issues to Danielle L. issues, Dean is just fantastic at bringing the drama. And honestly, his journey from fuckboy in Mexico to boyfriend material in Vermont could prove to be an important lesson in dating rehabilitation. Maybe he learned something from his appropriately titled podcast, “Help! I Suck at Dating.”

But while I do want to know how/if he redeems himself, I mostly want to know who this Lesley girl is. Like, did she watch Paradise? Does she have no respect for Kristina? Is she a fuckboy charmer? Since I am a stalker impatient, I did some research to find out. And I’m going to go ahead and call it now: Lesley is way too good for Dean.

1. She Was On Sean Lowe’s Season Of The Bachelor

Lesley came in fifth place on Sean’s season and was sent home because she didn’t share all her feels on their second one-on-one date. She hasn’t appeared on any spin-off shows since then—so she obviously has (some) class, and she was a bridesmaid at Sean and Catherine’s wedding. Which is sweet, but also kind of weird.

2. She Used To Work In Politics

And she’s a Democrat. Thank god, we can still like her. She left her job as an executive assistant to a Democratic strategist in D.C. to appear on Sean’s season, and worked for the Obama campaign in 2008. She’s blonde, southern, and liberal. I honestly didn’t think those existed, at least not in Bachelor world.

3. She’s A Travel Blogger

This girl has my everyone’s literal dream job: getting paid to travel. At least now we know how to land that gig—be beautiful, be on reality TV, and be able to write. I can do one of those things (I hope, you tell me), so now I just need to get hotter and get on TV. According to her Instagram, she’s recently been to Sundance (with Dean), Bali, Sri Lanka, Greece, and I am fucking jealous.

4. She Raised Money For Puerto Rican Hurricane Relief

After traveling to Puerto Rico to promote relief efforts and tourism on the island, Lesley started a GoFundMe campaign to raise money to send dehydrated meals, water filters, and solar lights to Puerto Rico. Oh, I get it—she’s a saint. *Looks deeply into the mirror and asks, “what have you done lately?”*

5. She Recently Had A Double Mastectomy

Correction, saint and warrior. After testing positive for the BRCA2 gene, which can increase the likelihood of Breast Cancer by 50-85%, Lesley decided to undergo a preventative double mastectomy (à la Angelina Jolie). She’s since gotten breast implants and has been extremely open about her experience on her blog. Well fuck, she’s amazing.

To conclude: I don’t know how Dean could ever deserve this woman, but if anyone could turn him into a respectable man, it’s Lesley. I also hope he uses the same lines on Lesley as he did on Rachel, because I for one would really like to know her favorite dinosaur.

Catch up on this week’s Bachelor recap here!