Hello and welcome back to the few of you that have stuck around this long! Since it’s the penultimate episode (I pray), here’s a quick refresher of what’s happened so far this season in case you’ve been blacking out during the episodes: two couples have found their perfect match, Bria has put a curse on any girl who thought about Zak, Zak continues to bang anything in front of him, no one else knows what they’re doing, and I had a better chance at winning Mega Millions than they do of figuring this out in two weeks. Oh yeah, and last week we ended with Kwasi having a meltdown in the lap of a producer/bunny rabbit. Let’s begin!

It seems Kwasi survived, because we open on the morning, everyone tucked into their floor mattresses snug as a bug in a rug. Bria says that Jasmine kissing Cam “set Kwasi back a few steps.” By that does she mean he became a violent psychopath over one minor indiscretion? Because then I’d have to agree. Meanwhile, Kwasi has decided he’s done with Jasmine, and that Nutsa is really his match. While I don’t blame him for being into Nutsa, God’s gift to Are You The One, does he really think that after last night’s absolute emotional and physical meltdown she’s gonna be into it?

Outside, Andrew has pulled Cali aside because he’s actually trying hard to make new connections, but is still not trying hard enough with his sunscreen application. They seem to like each other fine, but I guess we’ll really know how much Cali likes him if she grinds on him at the next luau.

Then Brett pulls Bria aside, I guess because he’s always wondered what it would be like to have his liver cut out with the sharpened end of a toothbrush. Our poor, precious Nutsa is watching from afar, wondering what she did wrong. Nothing, Nutsa! You are perfect just as you are!

Inside, Daniel tells Sam he doesn’t think they are a perfect match because he has exes just like her. I’m sorry Daniel, but did you not see that Kenya’s perfect match and her ex were actually identical twins separated as babies, sent to live with different parents, only to discover each other’s existence years later at summer camp? So I don’t think you can rule anyone out just because they’re like your ex. MTV is not working that hard, bro.

Brett tells Nutsa he’s going to sit with Bria at the match up ceremony “not because she’s ahead,” but to switch it up.

It’s time for the match-up ceremony, so the boys have pulled out their best skinny jeans and they’re ready to start picking.

• Brett picks Bria. In the process, he says there was no spark with Nutsa and implies that she is not a person of substance. Go home Brett, you’re drunk.
• Kwasi picks Nutsa. Papa T asks her if she is still with Brett. Nutsa says Brett can go f*ck himself.  And then she gives us this beautiful piece of wisdom, “You can be the juiciest peach in the entire world, but there’s always somebody that just doesn’t like peaches.” PREACH, GIRL! Tell me, is it weird if I get a custom sign  made on Etsy with a quote I heard on a C-list reality show?
• Andrew picks Cali.
• Moe picks Kayla.
• Daniel picks Lauren.
• Tomas picks Jasmine.
• Lewis picks Asia. Wait, does this mean he’s decided she’s hot enough for him now?
• Cam picks Morgan.

It’s at this point that Maria, who has not been in the house since like WEEK 2, decides to call out the random couples. Um hi, but do you even know what’s going on in the house? Aren’t you busy plotting ways to get away from Shamoy by now? And then OF COURSE, Zak takes it upon himself to call out the “double standard” that he claims makes him out to be a villain, but when Jasmine kisses someone else on a date she’s just “playing the game.” Well first of all, how dare you. Second of all, you did that like 80 times this season Zak so it’s just a weeee bit different. And third of all, Ted Bundy also claimed he was unfairly accused and we all know how that ended. Look, I’m not saying Zak reminds me of one of the most prolific serial killers of all time, but I’m not not saying that, ya know?

AND THEN Zak says, “Kwasi just thinks Nutsa’s the better version of Jasmine.” Because he hasn’t made enough girls in this house cry yet. You’ve got one more week Zak, can you collect them all?!

It’s at this point Papa T and his floral shirt tells the gang he is disappointed in everyone beefing with each other, but after seeing their faces fall, he reminds them that they can still win! All they need is a little encouragement and to cheat as much as humanly possible. (Okay that last part was me).

• Zak picks Sam.

It’s time for the beams. Let’s see if these dummies can light it up! Lol and they can light it up but only dimly, because once again they only get four beams. When they don’t win this million dollars, can MTV throw me some of their leftover cash? I think I deserve it for watching this entire dumpster fire of a season.

Back at the house, people are not pleased.

Kwasi and Andrew rn:

Yes, that’s the way to find your perfect match. Terrify everyone so much that they don’t want to be near you.

After the rage portion of the evening has passed, our gang gets in a kumbaya circle and starts talking about everything that’s wrong with them. Hi guys! I’ve been doing that for you all season! Y’all should’ve learned to read and then I could have really saved you a lot of trouble.

Okay actually this circle is a little bit sad, and I don’t appreciate MTV serving me this realness rn. It’s not as fun to mock someone when you know they were abused as a child. THANKS FOR RUINING IT FOR ME, PRODUCERS. Brb, I’m about to go do some emotional eating about other people’s problems. Who knew I was so empathetic?

Papa T shows up overjoyed that he’s almost made it to the end of his time introducing a big red button to a group of 20-something alcoholics. It’s time to figure out who’s going on the dates. This week, fate has decided to send Moe, Brett, Nutsa, and Lauren on a date so magically Hawaiian, it will be a real authentic experience they could have nowhere else.

Oh wait, they’re going jet skiing. I’m concerned for Nutsa’s safety, and rightfully so since she injures herself almost immediately. Like the f*ckboy gentleman he is, Brett gives her a ride on his jet ski. Not a euphemism.

During the hangout portion of the date, Brett promises Nutsa that he’s not going to hold back anymore. So now I’m obviously convinced they’re not a match. Anyone wanna bet?

Back at the house, the crew reconvenes to find out who is going in the truth booth. Papa T tells them “time is officially beginning to run out,” which is also what my OBGYN says to me everytime I visit her and it leaves me totally not stressed at all. Not even a little bit panicked. Completely fine. So I’m sure our gang feels the same.

And the crew has voted Brett and Nutsa into the truth booth! Jasmine says if they’re not a match it will really make her lose faith in that million dollars. Oh honey, you should have lost faith in that money the second Zak walked in the door, swinging his d*ck at anything that was remotely human-shaped. That’s on you.

And once again, we’re left on a cliff hanger! It’s like MTV is DARING ME to burn down their headquarters in a white rage. Next week is it you guys, so we’ll find out if Brett and Nutsa are a match, and if the whole damn crew can manage to come up with their perfect matches with money on the line. Or maybe we’ll get lucky and the hellmouth will finally swallow them up. See you all next week!

Images: MTV; Giphy (2)

We’re back this week with another episode of Are You The One: When Will Bria Make Her Kill, and it’s a double episode! Lucky for those of us who watch this show to feel better about our own bad decisions, more work for those of us who have to recap this show. Can’t wait! Let’s dive in to the Are You The One recap.

The episode begins as our unlucky in love-rs traipse back to the house to dramatic and depressing music, their two pathetic beams looming heavy behind them and on their hearts. The group calls for a “family meeting” and I’m not sure if you should call the group of people you’re banging family. That’s only legal in a few states, and I don’t think Hawaii is one of them.

The group immediately starts ganging up on Zak and Morgan; apparently no one believes they’re a match. Bria’s mind control is working! What kind of sorcery is this? The group disperses, having come to no real conclusion other than the fact that Lewis needs some Gatorade.

Out back, Kenya and Lewis are talking to Bria and trying to convince her to get Zak back. Damn, Lewis, you are shady. “Just as fast as she got him, you can get him right back.” Not saying I didn’t say this same thing to my distraught friend when convincing her to crash her ex’s wedding, but still.

Kayla and Cam sit down and he starts telling her he has reservations. CAM! Am I going to have to take back all of the nice things I said about you last week? I’ll do it. I will. Okay, let’s see why he thinks they aren’t a match. She doesn’t like the ocean and he does. LOL. She gets motion sickness easily, and he likes to drive. LOL. She doesn’t like Donald Trump and he does. Oh. Okay. So that one could legit cause some big problems. HUGE.

Over in the kitchen, Andrew and Lauren seem to be getting along. He tells her he only wants one wife. And also a motocross bike. Okay Andrew, this isn’t a f*cking Christmas list. Take that one up with Santa at a later date. He should also add sunscreen to that list because he still hasn’t figured out how not to get burnt. SPF 50 pls, Santy!

OMG Lauren just asked Andrew if he could go for a blonde and he told her “absolutely, my mom is blonde.”

Lauren and all of America:

It is literally still nighttime, and now the crew has moved to the pool and is playing a friendly game of truth or dare. Cali dares Nutsa to play “nervous” which apparently is a game where you grab a guy’s d*ck? I don’t get the point. Do I need to call HR? Anyway, she chooses to grab Daniel’s. Samantha is not pleased. She starts yelling at Daniel and telling him it was disrespectful for him to let another girl grab his d*ck in front of her. I mean that’s fair, but like, you’re on an MTV reality show where you basically have to hook up with multiple people to win, so the normal rules of etiquette don’t really apply.

We have finally made it to morning and the cast is hanging out in the water. I guess Lewis can’t swim, since he’s wearing a life preserver. Maybe they should have given that to Kwasi last week for his surfing date? Unless they wanted him to drown?

Nutsa seems to have decided that her voice is not annoying enough, so she decides to physically assault her crush Brett with a pillow and with her body. Then she decides to chase him. It’s like watching a hamster finally get free from its cage.

Cam and Cali are openly flirting, and it’s causing Kayla enough distress that she has to go talk to herself in the mirror and cry in her bed. Dramatic much? I call that a Tuesday night.

Terry shows up and reminds everyone of his girlfriend, the beautiful fate button. It’s time to choose some people for dates! Fate chooses Zak, Daniel, Bria, and Asia and I guess Bria’s mind control extends to the fate button as well. The house breaks out into applause because they are afraid Bria will hurt them if they don’t clap want to find out if Zak and Bria are a match.

Kayla and Kwasi start vibing and I’m happy for her because I don’t want to see her crying in her bed again. Put yourself out there, Kayla! There are 9 other men in this house that will eventually dump you the second someone hotter comes along.

Okay, Samantha sits down with Daniel and I just had to listen to like, a solid three minutes of her saying she doesn’t trust him and he hasn’t earned her trust and affection for her to then go into the boom boom room with him. Next time spare me the bullsh*t foreplay and let’s get right to it.

Moving on to the date, our couples are going dune buggy-ing. Zak decides to take the wheel instead of Bria, which I think is the safest choice for all involved. They’re taking them on a road, though—I thought these were for off-roading? Does one often encounter dunes on the highway? Our daters pull their buggys up to the coffee shop for the rest of date. So their date is literally a pit stop I made before work this morning. MTV is really forking over the big bucks this season.

Over their lattes, Zak tells Bria that he’s surprised that they were able to pick it right back up and he could see why they might be a match. DUDE! Never before in my life have I seen someone so easily distracted by what’s in front of them. Wait, I lied.

Zac and Bria make out. I’M CALLING THE POLICE. If this isn’t a case of thinking-with-your-d*ck-itis, I don’t know what is.

Back at the house, Terry shows up to earn that minimum wage paycheck. Zak and Bria tell the house that they kissed and Morgan is sad. Don’t worry, Morgan! Once he sees you and remembers you he’ll make out with you too!

Samantha calls out Zak for being a d*ck in front of Morgan. In the interview room she says this about Zak and Bria, “They literally both don’t care how other people feel so maybe they are a match made in heaven. Or a match made in hell.” Truer words have never been spoken, Sam. We applaud you and we thank you.

As expected, Zak and Bria were voted into the truth booth. They both are confident that they’re a match. They should be as confident in their relationship as I am in the MTA’s ability to get me anywhere on time except into an early grave.

And LOL they’re no match. Literally I’ve never been happier to see two people so upset. You would murder each other, you f*cking morons!! Not even the devil would match you up because he doesn’t want to see Bria in hell any earlier than he has to!

Morgan rn:

Bria is sobbing and Zak tells the camera he needs to move on. LOL what a douche. I’m going to set his house on fire.

Naturally, Bria comes back looking for a fight. I’m sorry, a debate. She was on the debate team, y’all remember? Immediately she moves on Kwasi, who told them that they suck when they returned from the truth booth. Zak immediately ditches. LOL what a douche. Bria is screaming at Kwasi, so naturally he gets heated. God, Bria, have you heard of a joke? Did they not teach you about those in the hellmouth you crawled out of?

Now Asia is jealous that Bria gets to do all the debating so she decides to start sh*t with Nutsa when our poor little hamster friend just wanted to get some food! I literally do not even know what this fight is about. GOD where does MTV find these people?? I honestly think that they go to the trashiest bar in Tampa, find the girl that just punched another girl, walk right up to her and say “hey, wanna be on our dating show?” Bria, let me know if I’m right.

Moe is turned on by Asia’s bullying, so he follows her outside to tell her he’ll always be there for her. You say that now, Moe, but just you wait until one day you are just walking to the kitchen to get food and she jumps down YOUR throat.

SHOCKER! Zak wants Morgan back. He pulls her aside and says he doesn’t want to be with Bria and he’s actually into Morgan.

Zak: So what are we?
Morgan: 

Zak! You’re the worst!

Bria sees them talking and strolls out hand in hand with Kwasi. I guess they’ve made up. Kwasi finally calls Zak out in front of both Bria and Morgan and asks him who he would want to pursue a relationship with outside the house. He panics. Might I remind you, he LITERALLY JUST TOLD MORGAN HE DIDN’T WANT TO DATE BRIA.

Zak finally decides that since he already knows he’s not a match with Bria, he’ll say Morgan. Bria loses her sh*t and gives them all a lecture, telling them they’re not better than her. Oh, Bria. Honey. I know a cockroach that’s better than you.

Zak and Morgan take it to the boom boom room for one last f*ck before Bria kills them. Morgan! For shame. Missionary with the lights off is not worth your dignity.

Inside, Cali and Cam are talking. He tells her he likes her because she’s “nature girl” and he’s “nature boy.” OH REALLY. Why do I get the sense that Cam’s idea of exploring nature is drinking a Natty Light in his backyard with his bros?

We’ve finally made it to the matchup ceremony and it’s a guys night to pick. They decide to go with their hearts instead of with strategy because last week strategy didn’t work. I wonder if anyone took a minute to think perhaps they just came up with a bad strategy? No? So just me then? Cool.

• Tevin picks Kenya
• Tomas picks Cali
• Lewis picks Lauren
• Moe picks Asia. Asia uses this opportunity to yell at Nutsa again. And like, Nutsa may have an annoying voice, but she’s actually pretty chill so this is not a good look Asia. And neither is that frosted lipstick.
• Brett picks Nutsa. Brett uses his time to stand up for Nutsa and now he’s my new favorite.
• Zak picks Morgan.
• Cam picks Kayla despite dumping her like last week’s trash in the beginning of the episode.
• Kwasi picks Jasmine
• Andrew picks Samantha

Okay am I missing something? Where’s Daniel? And Bria? They’re sitting next to each other but they never showed him picking her. Why didn’t he pick Sam? I’M SO CONFUSED. It’s like he wants his d*ck cut off.

The group gets four beams! Papa Terry is proud and this week he tells them to go take a shot for him. Oh they will Terry, they’ll each take nine of them.

Back at the house, Cali reminds everyone that only two couples repeated tonight and it was her and Tomas and Morgan and Zak, which means that only one of them is a perfect match. Cali and Tomas are convinced it’s them and that’s enough to get them to the boom boom room, but apparently not enough for Tomas to get it up.

Back outside, Kwasi and Kayla are talking and Cam is shocked. YOU TOLD HER YOU DIDN’T THINK YOU WERE A MATCH! Of course she is talking to someone else! And now you’re jealous? That’s not how it works.

Cam pulls Kayla aside and he tells her he doesn’t want to be made a fool of. This conversation basically goes nowhere and Cam goes back into the house to confront Kwasi, who quickly turns into Kwasi Beast and throws himself across the room to attack Cam. We end the episode with the guys holding Kwasi back and me imagining the tongue lashing they’re going to get from Papa T.

See you all next week!

Images: Giphy (4)

If you’re anything like me, your Sunday was probably spent brunching, napping off a hangover, and overeating while watching The Office. If you’re anything like Lindsay Lohan, you spent your Sunday threatening your employees’ jobs on social media. What employees, you ask? ICYMI, Lindsay is now the proud owner of two nightclubs: the creatively named LOHAN in Athens and LOHAN Beach House in Rhodes. On Sunday, two LOHAN staff members (say Lohan again) posted an Instagram promoting the new club. Lindsay, as one does, took the opportunity to publicly humiliate them for dress code violations. Let’s take a look.

Hello and welcome to paradise! . . . . . #lohanrhodes #lohanbeachhouse #rhodes #rhodesisland #rhodesgreece #myrhodes #rhodeslife #rhodes2018 #rhodesparty #rhodes_vacation #rhodeslifestyle #beachbar #beachbars #beachclub #beachclubs #beachparty

A post shared by LOHAN Beach House Rhodes (@lohanrhodes) on Jul 20, 2018 at 10:00am PDT

TBH, the first “violation” that comes to mind here is these ridiculous sleeves. Beyond being hideous, they seem like a huge fire hazard, and I sincerely hope that LOHAN is a candle-free environment. Anyway, Lohan’s issue was actually not with these fugly robes. She commented the following on the pic (comments still up, because Lindsay is in no way backing down from this).

In case you think this is just friendly banter with her LOHAN staff, another commenter checked in to see if she was joking. She was not.

So, what exactly is Lindsay’s game here? If I had to guess, I’d say she’s trying to build up buzz for her upcoming Vanderpump-ish reality show. But honestly, this all seems more like The Apprentice.  (It doesn’t hurt that she’s previously said she wants to be the next Trump.) And that’s just…not appealing. Then again, Lindsay Lohan has, in the past year, faked a British accent, propositioned Trump on Lawyer.com, and designed a personal island. People who work for her hopefully know what they’re getting into. Let’s hope no one actually lost their job, and that Lindsay decided on the nude heel. Those white heels are the ugliest effing shoes I’ve ever seen.

Images: Instagram (3)