Your Favorite Reality TV All-Stars Are Back, And They’re Looking For Love

Presented by PEPSI® MANGO

Can you feel that? The temperatures are getting warmer, and for the first time in forever, buying clothes that aren’t sweatpants doesn’t feel like a complete waste of money. Summer is right around the corner, and everyone is single and ready to mingle. Okay, obviously not everyone is single, but if you managed to find love in the time of corona, you don’t have to rub it in.

This year is all about experiencing unexpected things, from trying new foods (and delicious drinks), to actually going out in public again, to hopefully meeting someone who gives a little added kick to your life. MTV and PEPSI® MANGO understand the vibe, so they’re bringing us a new reality dating series full of surprising combinations and sweet surprises. It’s called Match Me If You Can, and we need to talk about it. The cast of Match Me If You Can is full of fan-favorites from lots of your favorite reality shows and, one by one, they’ll be matched up to go on one-of-a-kind dates.

Really, the casting department went above and beyond on this one. Match Me If You Can has higher standards than any of us, apparently, and the cast features FOUR winners of their respective shows. The show is hosted by Lauren Speed Hamilton who knows a thing or two about finding love in an unusual situation., Real talk, if anyone can keep this train from going off the tracks, it’s Lauren. A queen, icon, legend, and one of the only people to ever get a guy to commit before he could even see what she looked like. We all need Lauren’s energy for summer 2021.

On the contestant side of things, Match Me If You Can features a roster of all-star alums from your favorite dating and competition shows, and these familiar faces are ready to get mixed and matched. Like we said, Lauren isn’t the only one with winning experience. We’ve got Joey Sasso (the world’s most adorable person), competition queen Ashley Brooke Mitchell, and Harry Jowsey, AKA everyone’s crush. Obviously, things didn’t work for Harry in the relationship department last time, or else he wouldn’t be here right now, but going on another dating show should be the answer to his problems. 

Harry, Joey, and Ashley will be joined by lots of other esteemed reality colleagues. We’ve got experienced reality daters—Onyeka Ehie, Eric Bigger, Kylie Smith, and Kyra Green—plus Natalie Negrotti, who managed to find a relationship on a show where that wasn’t even the goal. It’s a real who’s who of reality alums, and with all these people in the mix, you know there will be some surprising and memorable moments.

Will any of these singles find true love on their mix-and-match dates? Who knows, but we’re ready to enjoy the ride and ~trust the process~. There’s no engagement ring at the end of this journey, and to be honest, we don’t really care who’s here for the right reasons. But life is all about unexpected pairings, and who knows, maybe one of these dates will lead to something as surprising and exciting as PEPSI® MANGO. Match Me If You Can premieres on MTV during the finale episode of The Challenge: Double Agents, on April 21 at 8pm ET/PT, so mark your calendars now. Plus, make sure to check out new episodes each week on MTV YouTube.

Is ‘Too Hot To Handle’ Sexist?

In the time of quarantine, one of the few things keeping us going is trashy television. That might seem dramatic, but being able to watch wannabe influencers normal people f*ck their lives up on TV is a blessing unlike any other. While the production of basically every show in the world has been placed on hold due to The Virus The Must Not Be Named, we’ve still been graced with a few gems to guide us to mindless joy. The most exciting of which is Netflix’s newest dating show, Too Hot To Handle. What’s not exciting, however, is the narration throughout the entire series. At best, it’s made me not even remotely attracted to these painfully attractive people, and at worst, it left me feeling kind of, well, sh*tty.

In case you haven’t been spending all of your free time pantless in front of the TV, allow me to explain. Too Hot To Handle is Netflix’s newest reality show with a sexless twist. Released on April 17, the premise is basically that a whole bunch of hot people who are for some reason really cocky about how often they get it in (so 2010, btw) are put on an island, given alcohol and sexually charged situations, but aren’t allowed to bang. Or kiss. Or masturbate. There’s a $100,000 prize, from which money is deducted each time a rule is broken. Keeping the group in-check (or shamed, if you will) is an Alexa-style robot named Lana who (is most likely just a producer voiced over, but who am I to be cynical in the name of reality TV love?) spies on the contestants and narcs on them when they break the rules.

It isn’t the (most likely fake) robot, the cast of characters as unoriginal as they are hot, or the tame-yet-taboo intercourse that made the show unsexy, however. It was the narration. Granted, it still a solid train wreck of a watch, and if you’re a fan of trashy reality television (guilty), some over-the-top commentary is to be expected. After filming for hours and filing down the events to mere minutes, viewers sometimes need someone to explain wtf happened in the parts they cut. While The Bachelor does it in a cheesy-yet-endearing way, Too Hot To Handle’s is snide to the point of cringe-worthy, and worst of all, it’s borderline sexist.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good diss, especially when it’s at the expense of people whose bodies I could never obtain. But between comments about the contestants’ interests, remarks concerning femininity and masculinity, and general slut-shaming, I finished the show feeling supremely unsexy, and not because I don’t have a midsection like Francesca’s. With nonstop remarks throughout the entire 10-episode season, there were times I considered muting it and just watching the sexual tension silently unfold. 

In regards to some of the female contestants, the narrator, Desiree Burch, made comments such as, “they’re talking about their favorite topic: The environment. Just kidding, sex.” Because apparently, you can’t be interested in sex and care about the environment. Or I guess if you are sexually adventurous, you don’t have the mental capacity to think past your own libido. If that isn’t detrimental enough, the narrator went on to say things like, “The girls are showcasing their personal growth by objectifying the men,” and, “What a minx. She just can’t help herself.”

These offbeat comments weren’t just targeted at the women, though. Time and time again it was indicated that men generally aren’t in touch with their emotions and that these guys are d*cks because they like getting laid. I just want to say that in 2020, no one is an asshole for liking orgasms, no matter what a weird robot who spies on you says. 

Something about it all just felt very “sneering old guy in a Trump hat telling a girl to smile.” Acting like enjoying sex takes away from your emotional, intellectual, or romantic intelligence—or that if you’re sexually adventurous and active, your urges are so strong you literally don’t have any control—is absurd. While the general concept was interesting—put hot, horny people on an island and tell them they can’t bang—the stated reasoning behind it felt very backward and as a result, was a major turn-off. 

As described in Wired, ” basically says that physical intimacy is a barrier to emotional intimacy, that liking sex is a character flaw, and that twentysomethings should get off dating apps and just settle down already.” “Chronic swipers” being put in a situation they were unaware of and then subsequently mocked for felt bad. Add to that the fact that there’s nothing wrong with having a “slut phase” (whether that’s in high school, college, or your entire life), the point seemed to be that these attractive people who like f*cking are lesser than others, just because of their preferences. Did I like watching the show when I was bored and drunk and didn’t feel like rewatching Gossip Girl? Sure. Did I feel good about the outcome, the reasoning, or the way the contestants were treated and portrayed? Not even a little bit. 

Basically, as someone whose only dream is to be cast on a reality show and immediately be shot to stardom for no reason other than appearing in 10 episodes of a Netflix special, I have to say, I was pissed. When my 15 minutes of Instagram fame finally happens, Netflix better pull this sexist stick out of its ass and not do me dirty like that.

Images: Netflix / “Too Hot To Handle”

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Season 23, Week 6

Welcome back, Bachelor fam! Before I dive into this week’s recap, just know that I read the comments from last week and I will be addressing them. For those of you who insinuated that perhaps I wrote the last recap late night and/or drunk, I would just like to say that in my defense, the show does end at 10pm so when else would I write the recap, and I absolutely was drunk. There’s just something about watching Colton and his sweaty hands for 120 minutes every Monday evening that makes me want to take a bottle rosé to the face. I’m not apologizing for that. Now, moving on to the recap.

If you’ll recall, when last we left off Onyeka and Nicole were in the middle of World War III, despite the fact that their entire reason for being in each other’s lives was sitting right next to them. Colton’s expression throughout that fight was the same look my dad used to wear when he was trying to reason with me and my sister during a fight over who stole whose Delia’s top and had the audacity to wear it on school picture day (she did). Colton stormed off in a fit of rage (not unlike my dad) to go cry on a sand dune about how some of the women—GASP—might actually be there for fame and not love.

Which brings us to this week’s episode: I love that Onyeka is not in the least bit bothered that Colton is pissed. In fact, she takes the fight one step further by bringing it to the rest of the girls’ attention. She’s like “raise your hand if you ever been personally victimized by me? RAISE YOUR GODDAMN HAND.”

Yeah, that’s not terrifying at all. I definitely didn’t just wet myself a little.

The Rose Ceremony

So I guess that brings us to the rose ceremony, though I thought we left off on a group date? I’m so confused. Did we really leave off during a rose ceremony last week? Am I wrong? Am I hallucinating? Do I care?

Colton starts the ceremony off by declaring that tonight has been hard on him because he was not the center of attention for five f*cking minutes. Honestly, I understand his plight. My birthday was literally three weeks ago and people are acting like it’s okay to not shower me with constant praise and affection? Like, my astro sign is still in orbit. Don’t be f*cking rude.

Final Rose Count: Onyeka and Nicole both get sent home. In other news, the sky is blue.

Did we really think anyone else was getting sent home? As Demi puts it: “they dug their own graves.” I just love that Onyeka could care less about being eliminated. She’s like “rejection doesn’t feel great but it feels better knowing I will absolutely be on Paradise!” Yes, nothing dulls the pain of getting dumped on national television like tequila shots and producer-manipulated love triangles.

The One-On-One Date

Hannah G gets the first one-on-one date this week, and I was wondering when Colton was going to remember she existed. She got the first impression rose night one, but since then we haven’t seen much of her. You know, aside from Colton using their “one-on-one time” at rose ceremonies to find the nearest bed, couch, or pool chair on which to aggressively make out with her.

We’re only a few minutes into their date and I already have a feeling it’s going to be a snoozefest. Hannah G may be beautiful, but she has the personality of sugar-free gum.

COLTON: What do I love about Hannah G? She has blue eyes and she smiles.

YOU’RE LITERALLY DESCRIBING HALF THE GIRLS ON THIS SHOW AND MY MOM’S LABRADOR RETRIEVER. What is your point!

Colton keeps talking about how “insane” their connection is. Cut to a montage of Colton and Hannah G dry humping on every surface in that spa.

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Caption this. ? #TheBachelor

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You guys, Colton is not mature enough for a real relationship, let alone marriage. He is such a horn dog! Every girl he likes, he likes because they let him grind on them to completion. Seriously. Has Hannah said one thing this entire date other than “is this your gum because I just found it in the back of my throat?” And this is an actual contender to be his future wife??

Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. I guess Hannah G is feeling insecure about the fact that their relationship is about as deep as mine with that guy that texts me “u up” twice a year because she suddenly finds a sob story to talk about. She says that she’s a child of divorce and it’s like, what’s your point? Look, I’m not trying to say that her experience wasn’t traumatic, but literally half the population has divorced parents. That doesn’t make you original, it just makes you average.

Hannah G gets the date rose and secures herself a spot in Colton’s heart for at least another week. I guess that hand job on the massage table was worth it.

The Group Date

The group date is up next, and multiple women are upset that they’re on yet another group date. Sydney, Demi, and Katie were all hoping for the coveted one-on-one date, but it was instead given to Kirpa, aka the girl with the Band-Aid on her face. Honestly, the Band-Aid is suspicious. I would not be surprised if she hurt herself on Bachelor property, threatened to sue, and then leveraged her way into a one-on-one date. That feels like the only reasonable explanation for this randomness.

Ugh. I hate when there’s a date card description with the words “fighting” and “strong” and the women show up in their sluttiest athleisure. Like, I didn’t know Forever21 endorsed “strong women” as well as “women hoping their fake ID will work at penny draft night,” but I digress.

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The (literal) fight for @coltonunderwood’s love begins ? #TheBachelor

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For the group date, Colton wants the women to beat the sh*t out of each other. I paraphrase. But for real, he does want them to fight each other. Why do I have a feeling Demi is bringing a shiv into the ring with her?

Okay, also, have you noticed that this is a common theme for all of his group dates? Is Colton pitting the women against each other in some sort of fight/survival scenario in the hopes that he won’t ever have to grow some balls and eliminate someone??

I may have spoken too soon about Demi. She’s getting her ass kicked in the fight, and it feels very off-brand for a person who has literally started sh*t with every woman in that house. Is it just me, or does she seem really defeated this episode? Is it because almost everyone over the age of 25 has been eliminated and there’s nothing else to fuel her hatred?

COLTON: I’ve seen enough.

Me too, Colton. Me too.

Moving on to the cocktail portion of the date. Sydney won’t stop complaining about how she hasn’t had a one-on-one yet and tbh I feel like she’s thiiiiis close to snapping. I just wish all of these girls knew that Colton knows just as little about the girls he takes on one-on-one dates as he does about the ones on group dates. Except maybe how their ass feels in his hand. 

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Let’s sea where this connection goes #thebachelor #bachelorinsider #bts ??

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Katie is also close to an emotional breakdown and she has good reason to be, because I genuinely do not know who this girl is. Has she spoken any words this entire season?? Colton pulls her aside during the cocktail party and I can’t recall a single conversation the two of them have had together.

She’s like “I know I’m pretty monotone but I do care about you.” She says all of this without looking up from her feet. Why is she acting so weird?? She’s not even making direct eye contact with him! She reminds me of that brother from Wedding Crashers, the one with the paintings and the emo haircut?

Katie tells Colton that she’s afraid he’s going to cut her because their relationship isn’t as far along as some of the other girls, and Colton does a really sh*tty thing here and tells her he doesn’t want that to happen. He’s pretty much assuring her that he’s into her when we all know she’s going to be cut first at the rose ceremony this week.

Demi pulls Colton aside next. She says that the reason she wasn’t good at fighting earlier is because she’s very “soft and sensitive”, and she says that with a straight face. Lol. This is the same girl who would suggest any woman old enough to legally rent a car should invest in Life Alert.

Demi wants Colton to call her mom with her, and it’s a smart move. Last time she played the mommy issues card she got the group date rose. I’m honestly impressed by her shamelessness.

OMG. You guys, is Sydney leaving too?? She’s like, “some girls are taking this too lightly.” GOD FORBID DEMI CHUCKLE. But I do sort of get where she’s coming from. It’s clear Colton was only going to string her along for another episode or two.

Sydney goes home. Colton gives an impassioned speech to the rest of the girls about how he has so much more to give, and he’s certainly referring to his virginity. I just gagged.

The Second One-On-One Date

Kirpa gets the second one-on-one date. Colton says he’s looking to get some answers today, but so am I. For instance, wtf happened to her chin last week??

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when you realize you’re all out of wine and it’s bachelor monday ? #hangchinthere #thebachelor

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Their date might as well be a series of stock images under “rich people travel”—it’s that stereotypical. For all intents and purposes, their date is cute. They go scuba diving, have a nice dinner, yada yada. But I know this date is going downhill because Colton hasn’t aggressively rubbed himself against her even once.

You guys, this date is so boring and I hate that because I think I might actually be rooting for Kirpa? Not only does she seem like a real human being, but it also seems like she’s feeling him out instead of him feeling her out. I like that.

They get on the subject of Colton’s virginity because they’re both contractually obligated to bring it up at least once an episode. Apparently Kirpa’s ex-fiancé was also a virgin! Lol. I love how Colton had to clarify that his virginity isn’t for religious reasons and he will be losing it at some point during this show. He’s like “well I do totally intend on having sex with multiple women in fantasy suites so…”

Colton asks Kirpa if she could see herself getting engaged at the end of this, and she responds with a very confident “yeah.” I didn’t think forever would sound about as enthusiastic as me telling my roommate I’ll get sushi if she’s already ordering it, but okay. Eternal happiness to you both!

Demi’s One-On-One

Demi decides she deserves her own one-on-one date, and I love that about her. What I don’t love is she came dressed to seduce Colton like I go dressed to buy “one thing” at Target. At least show some cleavage, honey!

She uses the flimsy excuse of checking in on him to see how he’s doing after Sydney’s departure. I think he’d believe you more if you weren’t wearing enough body glitter to light up downtown Miami.

WHAT. HE’S BREAKING UP WITH HER??? I’m genuinely shocked that he’s dumping her like this. I mean, they both didn’t seem very attracted to one another, but still! I thought he at least wouldn’t be smiling as he dumped her!

She’s like, “I don’t know what to say to that” as she pretends to wipe away tears from a face that is bone dry. Save those fake tears for Mexico, honey. That’s where your talents will really be appreciated!

The Second Rose Ceremony

Tbh I’m surprised we’re even having a rose ceremony tonight. I think we all know Katie is going home, right? I can’t think of one other woman who might be on the chopping block other than Heather, but her Josie Grossy storyline should get her at least one more episode.

Chris shocks the women by saying there won’t be a rose ceremony this evening. Colton’s made up his mind.

Katie gets sent home, to the shock of no one with working eyes and ears. Before Katie leaves she gives Colton a cryptic message about girls not being there for the right reasons, which is exactly what Sydney said before she left.

COLTON: But I thought Sydney was talking about Demi!!

Newsflash, Colton! Demi wasn’t the only hot blonde who graduated from college six months ago and decided to forgo the real world for a few months and try her hand at becoming a reality TV star. Child, please.

And on that note, I’m out betches! I’m literally counting down the minutes until the infamous fence jumping scene, so let’s hope it’s next week!

Images: Giphy (5); bachelorabc, kirpasudick, bachelorinsider / Instagram 

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Season 23, Week 5

Welcome back, Bachelor fans, to another Monday where we get to watch a grown-ass man defend his sexual choices (or lack thereof). I would stand up and cheer if I weren’t so disgusted. I’m going to skip all the bullsh*t and just jump right into this week’s recap because, and I say this begrudgingly, this week was actually pretty dramatic. I’ll give you this one, Chris Harrison! Just one!

This week the Bachelor crew is headed to Thailand, and we know this because the ladies literally won’t shut up about it. I love how they keep emphasizing how beautiful Thailand is. They’re all like “this place is really beautiful, this is where I can see myself falling in love” and it’s like they have no appreciation for the that Marriott in Singapore anymore. What, you’re too good for a continental breakfast now?

HEATHER: I definitely love this vibe better.

Yeah, I get the sense that there won’t be any back alley witch doctors on today’s date, but a girl can certainly dream.

The One-On-One Date

Heather gets the first one-on-one date, which should be interesting because she’s supposedly never been kissed before. First of all, I would just like to say, that I believe this leggy 5’7″ MODEL has never been kissed before about as much as I believe that Donald Trump’s tan is natural. I have a feeling by “never been kissed” she means never been kissed outside of a frat house, six jello shots deep but, like, whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep at night, sweetie.  

Okay, did y’all SEE the way she just greeted Colton? She literally just straddled him and you’re telling me she’s never kissed anyone before? Really? That’s the story you’re sticking with, ABC?

Sure Jan

Wait, did she just say she’s been in relationships before? I’m sorry, but do we think Heather thinks the word “kissing” actually means sex? She must not know what this word means because I’m not buying this bullsh*t. She may have never kissed anyone before but she has certainly dry humped someone to completion. Please.

They’re date involves exploring the a Thai market but I can’t even pay attention how fun and cute this date is because of the sounds coming out of Heather’s mouth every five seconds. Like, what is with all the moaning? It’s like just like in When Harry met Sally if Sally were a deranged Barbie and Harry was secretly gay.

HEATHER IRL:

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Doesn’t everyone drive like this? ☀️?

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HEATHER DESCRIBING HERSELF TO COLTON RN:

Heather keeps talking about how she just never found the right person to be her first kiss and yet it sounds like she’s had plenty of opportunities to kiss someone. I’m sorry, but did she just say SHE DATED SOMEONE FOR EIGHT MONTHS AND NEVER KISSED HIM?? Like, that’s not a relationship, that dude is your friend. 

Heather gets a rose and a kiss from Colton. God this scene is so awful I want to set myself on fire. Was it worth the wait, Heather? Or did you throw up a little in your mouth like me?

When he kissed her and you know every girl in America just went apesh*t for Heather’s first kiss. Like, I’m willing to bet there was more energy for that kiss than there was for Super Bowl. I mean, at least Heather scored. We can barely say that about Sunday night’s game.

Back at the hotel, Elyse is freaking tf out. She’s been slowly unraveling all episode and I don’t like it. I was really rooting for her and her flawless complexion and now she’s acting like she doesn’t understand the premise of this show. Like, OF COURSE Colton is going to play the field but that doesn’t mean he’s not going to try and squeeze in 5-7 minutes of one-on-one time with you at the next cocktail party, Elyse!

Okay, whattttt is happening. She just left the hotel looking amaze but also like she knows she’s about to ruin her life. It’s a face I frequently wear when I’m going out for “just one drink.”

DEMI: Nobody knows what’s going on.
ME YELLING AT MY DOG ALONE IN MY APARTMENT: I BET THE PRODUCERS WHO ORCHESTRATED THIS KNOW, BUFFY.

Elyse shows up at Colton’s condo and damn she looks great. I still can’t get over it. She walks in and immediately starts losing it. Oh, I really don’t like where this is going. OMG. Guys, did she just give him the “it’s not me, it’s you” speech?? I’m so confused. I thought she was having jealousy issues like five seconds before this?

Elyse leaves but, like, why though? Is she not really into him? Or was she just scared she might get sent home before a girl who thinks menopause is something that happens to women once they get kicked off their parents’ insurance Demi. WHAT IS THE TRUTH.

The Group Date

The group date is already starting off on a high note: with Colton sobbing into his protein shake, wailing about how no one loves him. Which, coincidentally, is exactly how I like to start my day as well. Carry on.

For the group date the ladies have to survive for a day out in the jungle! I’m sorry, but is Colton trying to kill the women off one by one? He’s like, “I want a woman who will go on adventures with me so I think I’ll make the ones I’m not sure about scavenge for food and water and see if they make it out alive.”

He breaks the girls up into groups and makes them scrounge for banana leaves and fresh water. It’s at this point that Demi and her group decide that they would rather be at happy hour than digging for worms AND SO THEY F*CKING LEAVE. Lolololol. Y’all, I’m dead. Demi ditching the group date to find AC and a margarita is the energy I want to bring into 2019. She is the gift that keeps on giving.

So how much do we think this tour guide wants to set himself on fire rn? Demi all but spits on his culture with those burger wrappers and Bud Lites she brought into what I’m sure is some sort of protected Thai land and you can practically hear his internal screaming.

DEMI: We just thought burgers and booze were better?
TOUR GUIDE JOE:

Moving on to the cocktail portion of this evening. We’re three seconds into the night and Demi decides to cut the awkward group date tension by casually mentioning that all of the women showered together before the party. Damn. Are there any tricks in her bag that she won’t pull out?

Alabama Hannah pulls Colton aside early on in the evening and he tells her that he would choose her to help him survive a zombie apocalypse. Which is funny because wasn’t her first instinct when it came to surviving in that jungle to flee the scene for 2-for-1 margaritas?

Hannah tells Colton she’s falling for him and it’s exactly that kind of thinking that will get her through at least two more rose ceremonies. Like, this girl knows how to read a room and she read the desperation seeping out of Colton’s sweaty pores real well. Snaps for you, Han.

Oooh interesting. Onyeka says that Elyse spilled some tea about Nicole before she left and now she wants to bring it to Colton’s attention. I don’t like how she’s dragging Elyse’s good name through the mud. I have a feeling that “Elyse” didn’t let something slip so much as a producer in a red wig let something that was concocted and pre-approved by ABC slip, but okay.

ONYEKA: I don’t want to be a pot stirrer but I just respect and like Colton so much.
ALSO ONYEKA: 

Onyeka tells Colton that Elyse heard Nicole say she was using Colton to get out of Miami, which is silly because there’s also the FabFitFun boxes to consider! Also, let’s not act like Miami is some bumblef*ck town in the middle of nowhere. If Nicole really wanted to “get out of Miami” so bad, she could just…go. Colton takes this news with about as much stride as a person can who, two seconds after this conversation ended, had to ask the producers who Nicole even is.

OMG this is so awkward. Apparently Elyse misunderstood and Nicole never said anything like that so Onyeka just f*cked Nicole over for nothing. Onyeka doesn’t look the least bit fazed by this new development and continues to sip from her martini as if none of this is any of her concern. She is a hero.

Alabama Hannah gets the group date rose for the sole reason that she let Colton emotionally masturbate on her for a while. It’s well deserved, I guess.

The Second One-On-One Date

Cassie gets the second one-on-one date despite the fact that just last week a psychic told her and Colton that they were siblings in a past life. If anything, Colton looked more turned on by that fact. For the date they’re going on a boat tour of Thailand, though it feels more like they’re seeing more of the back of each other’s throats than anything Thailand has to offer, but okay.

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I will say these two have the most chemistry I’ve seen and I’m not just saying that because he grabbed her ass on national television. These two have not stopped sucking face for the entirety of their date and I’m slightly worried about their oxygen levels. Are they ever going to come up for air?

Colton removes his hand from her ass long enough for them to talk about the fact that Colton is a virgin and Cassie is not. I feel like she’s just inventing problems rn. This feels like when I had to make up hardships for my college admissions essay because I had no family tragedies to exploit for entrance into an Ivy league write about.

Okay, WHAT. Why are they in bed together?? This escalated quickly. Like, do we think they’re wearing pants under there? Or is the blanket just strategically placed to hide the fact that he’s (not) getting an erection?

The date ends with Cassie getting a rose and Colton getting an over-the-pants hand job. Everyone leaves happy.

The Rose Ceremony

The rose ceremony is here and it is awkward. Nicole and Onyeka’s beef with each other is making my tummy hurt more than more than the entire block of cheese I consumed while watching this.

Okay, but why does Nicole think trash-talking Onyeka is going to make Colton keep her? The drama starters never make it to the end, especially not the ones who have said three sentences the entire season! Honestly, I feel like both of them are going home.

Lol I love how Onyeka is not not admitting that she didn’t emotionally bully Nicole.

ONYEKA: I called you emotionally unstable, not mentally unstable so you’re a liar.

Well, when she’s right, she’s right Nicole!

OMG. Colton goes to break up the fight and he looks piiiissed. Y’all he was just trying to enjoy his last night in Thailand!! Have you no respect?

OH SH*T. Colton walks off mid-fight and he’s not coming back. As I said before, I really do think this is the end of the line for Onyeka and Nicole. If there’s one thing Colton can’t stand, it’s not being the center of attention for five f*cking seconds.

We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Colton finishes the rose ceremony of if he’ll continue to cry on that sand dune. I know which outcome I have my money on. Until next week, betches!

Images: Giphy (5); @cassierandolph /Instagram (1); @bachelorinsider /Instagram (1)

Chad Johnson Talks His New Show & Being Done With ‘Bachelor’ Girls

Christmas came a little early this year people because the new season of MTV’s Ex on the Beach premiers TONIGHT at 8pm ET and it’s about to be more lit than my Aunt Alice at Christmas dinner. If you’re new to the show then I’m here to publicly shame you here’s the premise: a bunch of unsuspecting singles show up to get trashed on a beach for a few weeks because that’s the broken world we live in and is apparently the only way we can meet anyone these days. The “unsuspecting singles” are all former reality dating rejects (think some of your favorites from The Bachelorette, Are You The One?, Big Brother, and more) who just “want to find love” and a new Instagram branding partnership. Just when they start to open up to someone and prove that they’re not the emotionally stunted circus animals we’ve come to know and love, surprise! The craziest ex MTV’s budget could track down shows up to literally and metaphorically take a blowtorch to whatever scraps of happiness they’ve managed to find. It’s like what I do on a Saturday night, but these people are actually getting paid for it. Fun!

And in honor of the premiere, we spoke with the man, the myth, the meathead Chad Johnson from ABC’s The Bachelorette because—brace yourselves, betches—he’s back on reality TV and DATING AGAIN. God help us all. In the interview we talked about his return to TV with Ex on a Beach, which Bachelor girls are sliding into his DMs, and if he’s still using meats as a coping mechanism. So, let’s see what he had to say!

So we all watched you on The Bachelorette and The Bachelor in Paradise. Did you always want to be on reality TV?
No, not really. It was never so much a plan of mine. I mean I had acted and modeled before, back in 2006, and so I kind of always had it in the back of my mind. I always thought that I would end up having done something from becoming really, really, really wealthy off of some business move and I then I would just be some crazy personality of some rich guy living out in LA or something and I’d get known that way. I didn’t know that it would be through reality TV before I made my millions, you know what I mean?

Yeah, so I’m guessing you never thought you’d find love on reality TV then?
Right, no. Um, that all came about because I had just got done taking care of my mom who had passed away from cancer and reality TV came about because that was the first time I really had the opportunity to date since I had been taking care of her. You know, she had just recently passed away right before I started filming The Bachelorette.

Speaking of The Bachelorette, I know you took a little break from reality dating after Bachelor in Paradise, but now you’re back! So tell us about your new show, Ex on the Beach.
Ex on the Beach was super fun. It’s a totally different world than being on The Bachelor. It’s wild, it’s crazy, but I loved the realness of it and I loved the realness of the people. I made some awesome friends. I mean, even with my friends I had some crazy fights. So you’ll see that for sure.

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Ex On The Beach is coming, just a little over a week away. Tune in Thursday December 20th on MTV (5pm pst, 7pm central, 8pm eastern time) #exonthebeach #eotb

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So, wait, how did you not know that your ex would end up on the beach? Like, how did they get you out there?
Yeah, I had no idea. The way I thought it was supposed to go was, I was just told that it was going to be an untitled dating project. So I thought, “okay, it’s something where I’m gonna be having drinks on a beach somewhere at a mansion, hanging out, and maybe just hooking up and having fun.” And then, they dropped the ex bomb on us, and from there we knew that they had done some research on us. You know, they must have found some way to track down the girls I’d been dating over the last couple years after the shows.

Is JoJo one of the exes who will show up? Please say yes.
Ha. JoJo is not one of the exes. I haven’t talked to that girl since the reunion actually.

What about Lace?
No, no. Nah, I’m done with Bachelor girls. If I want to date a Miss America pageant girl I’ll go to a Miss America pageant. Or I’ll just get on my Instagram DMs.

So who do you have your eye on this season?
So, I mean this season I tried to basically be open to anything. The first day, every girl was good looking so I talked to every girl there. I think you can kind of quickly tell who’s cool and who’s really not. The first few hours there it’s like you don’t want to hit on anybody because you want to figure out whether anybody’s cool or not.

So, like, I talked to Farrah and quickly realized that I, uh, did not want to talk to Farrah. Then I talked to Morgan, and I’ve navigated those waters before. A pretty blonde, white chick is easy for me to get to know her, what to say and do, and it’s just kind of typical for me. That’s what I know and that’s what was easiest at the time, to do what you know. So, like, if you eat chicken every day and then you go to an unfamiliar place then you’re gonna eat chicken.

So I talked to her and then I talked to Nicole—she was beautiful. I knew she was gonna take a little bit more work to get to know because she’s more closed off in terms of initially meeting people and I could tell that. So I knew I wanted to get to know her a little bit but I knew it would take more time.

So let’s get to the drama because I’m a messy bitch and live for that sh*t. You’ve mentioned flirting with Farrah and a few other girls, and I watched the trailer and it looks like you’re already playing two girls. Can you give us any hookup details?
Um I mean you’ll just to watch. So some stuff happens and I think it’s pretty abrupt and I think you’ll see that when you watch it. It’s drama and it’s messy, but it’s messy in a very, like, “Oh sh*t! Okay!” type of way.  

So would you say you’ve changed your ways after your Bachelor days or are you back on your bullsh*t?
Am I back on my bullsh*t? Uh, I mean, ever since The Bachelor, I’m older now. It’s been like two and a half, three years, and I’m in a different head space now, you know? My mother didn’t just pass away. I’m not in that angry, grieving stage like I was. I went through a period of three years just dating a lot, you know? So I’m not really in that stage anymore.

I think the show did actually help me learn a bit about myself. I learned to take people’s emotions seriously whereas, you know, before I was just hopping around from Instagram girl to Instagram girl for the last few years. And I think I actually grew with the show and now I’m just focused on my businesses—my health and fitness company, my podcast—and then maybe I’m dating somebody. So you’ll just have to wait and see that on the show.

So speaking of the show, what else can we expect from you this season? You talked about hooking up, but will there be any more fights? Or any bromances over meat?
Oh there’s definitely some meat involved. I think I punted some meat, I stole some meat, so, ah, that was fun. The ex girlfriend situation was unpredictable and that ex comes in and she’s not quite who I thought she was so that’s kind of interesting. There was a lot of fights, there was a lot of arguing but it was, like, in good fun. Even when people were mad we were still having fun, you know what I mean? Everybody was always fighting and I didn’t understand what they were fighting about because 99 percent of their fights were so stupid and, like, petty so I would just run in and just watch and laugh and try and figure out what dumb sh*t they were fighting over now.

So you are back on your bullsh*t, you just weren’t the instigator this time.
Nah. See that’s my thing I’m never the instigator. I’m a reactor. You know you mess with me, sure, I’ll mess with you back. You come at me, I’ll come at you back harder. In this show it didn’t happen to me too much where people were really coming at me. I mean, don’t get me wrong—there were some instances where people do come at me wrong, and I come at them, but for the most part it wasn’t like The Bachelor where every day I’m being attacked by people. And where I feel like I’m fighting for my life basically.    

Interesting. So is there any other tea you can spill for us?
Just be on the watch for Nicole’s, ahem, untapped crazy. 

And lastly—and most importantly—what is your favorite meat?
I’m gonna have to say, like, steak. I mean, I eat chicken every day but a good steak at the end of every week has got to be the best. Hard to find in a deli meat, but by far the most delicious.

So I guess some things never change. Well we can’t wait to see you bring the drama this season.
Yeah, but I think people are gonna see a different side of me and they’ll see that really I’m, like, a lighthearted, fun guy who does have emotions. I’m not an angry jerk. I think it’ll be a lot of laughs and a lot of fun and people will get to see a totally different side of me than they’ve ever seen before.

So there you have it, people, Hell has frozen over The Chad has changed! Don’t forget, Ex on the Beach premiers tonight on MTV at 8pm ET, but you can also catch Chad recapping and talking sh*t after each episode on his new podcast “Chad’s World”. 

Images: Giphy (1); @realchadjohnson /Instagram (1)

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: No One Has Any Idea What They’re Doing

Hello, friends! Welcome back. You know what time it is! Time for me to spend hours finding creative ways to say “and then they got black out and hooked up.” Let’s see what I come up with this week, shall we?!

We immediately return to the truth booth, scanning Tevin and Kenya for STD’s to see if they’re a match. And they’re a perfect match! The crowd goes wild! Kenya climbs Tevin like a tree! The heavens sob and say “we didn’t mean for this to happen.” True love is dead.

Okay serious question though. Kenya went on this show because she is bad at finding love, right? She needed matchmakers to help her find her perfect man. And the man they picked out for her…looks exactly like her ex-boyfriend? How does this make sense?

In honor of their second perfect match of the season, the gang decides to party. Kayla declares that “love is in the air! It’s everywhere!” No, honey. I think that’s someone’s bodily fluids.

All the girls are asking Kenya the secret to love, as she is now an all-knowing love guru who definitely didn’t suck someone else’s d*ck while dating her perfect match. Kenya tells Sam the key is to “be vulnerable” and Sam is skeptical. Remain skeptical, Sam. Do not trust Kenya. She is a fugly slut.

The next morning, Kwasi sets up a picnic for Jasmine to show her how much he wants to bang her cares about her. And by sets up a picnic, I mean throws some producer-paid-for champagne in a basket to loosen Jasmine up. Kwasi asks her “so, will you be my girlfriend?” which was mildly cute but follows that up by saying he “still has the beast in him” and I’d like to nope right out of this conversation.

In the kitchen, Sam is making food for Daniel. I’m sorry, but is she cooking frozen french fries in a skillet? Is that a thing? I wouldn’t know because I haven’t touched a pan since Seamless was invented years ago, but it still feels wrong. Chefs, hit me up in the comments pls.

Now it’s time for the matchup ceremony. Papa T and his bird shirt welcome us and remind us that they are here to find love and sell their souls to the reality TV devil to win one million dollars. It’s the ladies’ week to pick.

And the gang gets four beams! The two perfect matches that they already know, and two new matches. They all hang their heads in shame. Papa Terry is upset, and he reminds them they only have 2 more weeks to get it right. Papa T won’t yell at them, though, he will just stand solemnly by and let Maria ream them out. Things sure must look easy from that honeymoon suite at the motel six, huh Maria? After that light verbal abuse, Papa T sends them back to the house to do work.

The entire gang wants to strategize when they get back, in hopes of salvaging what is left of this sinking season.

Cali during this whole interaction:

After some drinks, Morgan decides that even though Zak has treated her like the dirt stuck to the gum stuck to his shoe, she wants to have sex with him because she’s horny. Jasmine lectures Morgan about self-respect while lounging in her Spanx catsuit, which is lightly accentuating the lines of her labia. In this same conversation, Jasmine also reveals that she uses her vibrator every night before she goes to bed. Exsqueeze me? This is NOT an environment conducive to vibrators! They’re all on mattresses on the ground up against one another. Why do I have a feeling that poor sweet Moe is the one that has to listen to her moaning “Oh, Tevin” every night?

And then Morgan goes and bangs Zak in the boom boom room. I swear, Zak is the luckiest man alive.

In the morning, everyone finds out and they’re all pissed and claim Zak’s ruining the game. Asia is also pissed at Morgan and is screaming at her for banging someone who she thinks isn’t her match. Alright Asia, can you stop bullying people for like A SEC and maybe find your own match? Mind. Your. Business.

Papa T shows up and reminds them about the fate button with a giggle. At this point in the season even he can’t say it with a straight face, and he spent many years training at Juilliard for this very moment. That’s how dumb it is. Fate picks Jasmine, Samantha, Cam, and Tomas to go on the group date.

Tomas is already a negative Nancy, convinced neither of these girls are his match. What lucky ladies to be on a date with this charmer!

Sam and Cam get to talking and they realize they could be each other’s match. And I hope they are, because there’s nothing I love more than a rhyming couple. Just ask my best friend Devon and her husband Kevin. It’s precious.

Now Cam is talking to Jasmine, and I actually think these ladies are lucky to be on this date because they got Cam. So you can go shave your back now, Tomas.

They all get back together in the house and Papa T wants to hear about the dates. Cam admits that he and Jasmine did kiss and now the Kwasi beast is roaring. Papa Terry doesn’t care because he’s just so happy people are opening their hearts!

The group voted Sam and Cam into the truth booth. Every time I type this I want to write trooth booth so my apologies for any typos you’ve noticed over the course of this season. Sam and Cam head on into the booth and they want to see perfect match because duh, MONEY. They know no love they find with a fellow trash bag on MTV will ever be worth more than the couple grand in their pocket if they win.

And they’re not a match! Truth Booth: 1, Rhyming Couples: 0. Everyone is ready to black out again!

Lewis: “Aren’t y’all sick of drinking?”
Me: 

After the truth booth, Jasmine apologizes for hurting Kwasi’s feelings, but she does not apologize for playing the game. She starts crying and says she didn’t want to put “all her pebbles in the same f*cking thing,” which is DEFINITELY the correct phrase. Kwasi can not forgive her because he has a myriad of issues, especially ANGER.  He leaves Jasmine there crying, and Nutsa, the brightest light in a lacy bralette, comes to give her a hug and cheer her up.

Kwasi ends the night screaming and losing his sh*t, sobbing outside into the lap of a producer wearing bunny ears (?). Guys, did I just accidentally take shrooms or is this something that actually happened? I guess we’ll find out next week!

Images: Giphy (3)

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 1

Good morning idiot hookers, and welcome back to another exciting season of Bachelor in Paradise! Why ABC decided to air the first episode one night after holding all of America hostage for three miserable hours to watch Becca ruin her life one last time, I’ll never understand. But here we are being held practically at knifepoint by Mike Fleiss for two more hours! And while I’d rather bang my head against a wall for two hours than dive head first into any more soul-sucking Bachelor drama, I’ve realized that I maybe, kind of, sort of missed the hedonistic den of sin that is ABC’s slice of Mexico? So, shall we dive right in then? I mean, there’s only a storm brewing outside and I’m 90 percent sure my internet will fail faster than any of these people’s livers did on night one, but, sure, let’s do this.

I guess we’re jumping right into the intros then. As if I wanted to know any more about the intricacies of their flat tummy tea diets.

DAMNNN. Kevin just spilled the tea on Ashley I. He’s saying that Ashley made out with Jared while they were still dating, and I’m not surprised at all. If Jared said “cry” she’d say how “how many rivers?”

So David aka “The Chicken” is living at home with his mother post-filming. What catches they have this season! Ladies, I’m jealous. Also, David, you live in Boca Raton. You can totally marry your mom in Florida. It might actually be one of the only places.

Analise is up next, and she’s definitely going to be Lacey Mark that girl that cries every week about how none of the guys like her.

BIBI: My goal here is to kill them. Kill them with. my. bootie.

^^I think I’m going to turn that into a motivational poster and hang it over my bed.

Jesus. Tia’s veneers just blinded me, so I guess I’ll only be listening to the rest of the episode. Seriously, have her teeth always looked like that?

Eric’s like “so do y’all like the energy here?” Yes, Eric they all like the energy because the “energy” is free drinks.

JOEEEEE. Joe is here, y’all, and I’m swooning already.

CHRIS HARRISON: Do you think you’ll last longer this time?
JOE: Maybe a day? Tops.

I love that his bar for the trip is about as low as my bar for Hinge matches. Glad we’re on the same page, Joe!

You guys, what is with people’s teeth this season? I’m starting to really get freaked out here. Was there a discount on veneers and Crest White Strips before filming?

Okay, THANK YOU TIA, for commenting on Krystal’s voice change. Like, what happened to the baby prostitute voice that haunted my nightmares last January? Ugh. Of course she’s going after Joe, though. He’s like “she’s so sweet.” Oh, Joe. She is going to have sex with you and then rip your head off. 

If Krystal dares ruin Joe’s pure, sweet demeanor, I will END HER.

Venmo John is like “the last time I was reserved and didn’t know how to talk to people but now I’ve discovered alcohol, so it’s easier.” Ah, the wonders of warm tequila, amiright John?

Okay, wait. Annaliese is Jordan’s type? Annaliese? The girl who’s afraid of bumper cars and puppies. If you don’t think she has a complex about golden underwear then you better think again, buddy.

The chicken gets here and Chris Harrison is like “I’m glad you came as yourself this time.” Is coming as himself any better though, Chris? 

Surprise, surprise, Colton’s not here yet and Tia is freaking the f*ck out. It’s interesting that Colton never reached out to Tia even though she got him kicked off Becca’s season because of all of her “feelings” for him. I just feel like maybe he’s not that into her? I mean, the dude claims he’s never even seen a woman’s vagina before and yet Tia is here all but spreading herself on national television and he’s like “nah, I’m good.” Yeah, it’s suspicious AF.

That’s stone cold fear in his eyes, people.

GOD TIA. Stop bringing up Colton’s name when you have a f*cking dime piece like Joe in your presence! Seriously. If I hear the name Colton one more time I’m going to go outside in this storm with a piece of metal and beg this lightning to strike me.

In a cruel twist of BiP producer-orchestrated fate, Tia gets the first date card. Okay, she’s acting like that card is a herpes diagnosis and not an opportunity to share a dinner and Instagram followers with one of these washed-up street dogs. Get over yourself.

LOL I love that Bibi looks like she wants to fight her over this. Please do, girl. Put us all out of our misery.

Tia starts talking to grocery Joe and she’s like, “I’m not like other girls because I’m a relationship kind of girl.” Literally that is every girl with a pulse, Tia. Nice try.

WHAT. She picks psycho Chris?? Have they even spoken words to each other yet? Why??

Meanwhile, Kendall and Joe start vibing. And by “vibing” I mean dry humping on a chaise lounge, which is something her mother specifically told her not to do before going on this show. Here’s hoping her mother doesn’t take away one of her stuffed animal heads in retaliation. 

Friendly reminder, people, that we’re an hour into this abomination of a television show and there’s still no clear storyline. It’s like watching drunk cats scatter on a beach and trying to make sense of it.

Speaking of sh*t that that doesn’t make sense, wtf are Chelsea and Nick doing cuddled up on a chaise lounge? It’s like watching a car crash my Snapchat story after blacking out at happy hour. You know, when you make out with a hot guy only to find out later he could barely keep his eyes open and says sh*t like “where’s all the p*ssy tonight.” I mean, if it was ten degrees cooler he’d be wearing a velour tracksuit!

NICK: Women with kids don’t bother me as long as I never see the child and her vagina’s recovered.
CHELSEA:

Cut to Tia and Chris’s date. She’s drinking water at this point and is STILL talking about Colton. It’s gonna be a longggg night.

Wait. I’m truly shocked she’s into this guy. Aha! The truth comes out. The two of them only like each other because they both don’t want to be single anymore.  I think they probably have more chemistry with their forks than each other, but okay. To each their own. And, hey, if Carly, a woman who said she got “limp dick” from sharing the company of a guy who would later become the father of her child, then anything is possible as long as Wells has a heavy pour.

O.M.G. Colton is here and ready to f*ck up Tia’s newly found happiness. See, ladies, Paradise is just like the real world!!

They give Colton a date card because I guess production wants Tia to fling herself off a cliff this morning. Lol he starts pulling girls aside and none of them are Tia. What a class act he is! He’s, like, flirting with anyone on the island who has a vagina and a pulse EXCEPT TIA, but I have a feeling he’ll still pick her because he heard she might be happy with someone else.

AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW, HE CHOOSES TIA.

^Me writing down further evidence of why the male species shouldn’t be allowed to breathe the same air as the rest of us

Wait so this “magical date” he took her on before Becca’s season was just a dinner at his house?! The boy didn’t even take you out in public, Tia? Like, he is a former pro football player and he’s trying to say that the best he can do for a date is to whip you up some Spaghetti-O’s at home? Seriously?? Oh, honey, baby, sweetie. DUMP HIS ASS.

God I can’t listen to these morons for one more goddamn minute. Colton’s like “I was into Becca but then you sent me home, so here we are” and Tia practically orgasms right there on that boat.

TIA: Idk why but I just keep coming back to you?

I KNOW WHY. He’s breadcrumbing you, sweetie! Tale as old as time.

Elsewhere, Chris is just stewing on the beach. All those steroids and hair gel—this can’t be good. He’s got all of Paradise riled up too. It’s like that scene with Gaston before the townspeople try and f*ck up the beast. Except with less talent and good intentions and obviously Chris is not as hot as Gaston. Obviously. That genius reference I just made pairs perfectly with this gif, so enjoy:

Chris R Bachelorette

BRB I gotta take a musical break to sing “Gaston” to myself.

And on that note, WE’RE FREE we have to to wait until next week to see how this fight plays out. I’m sure it’ll be about as manly as the fight I had in middle school with my sister over her stealing my favorite Delia’s shirt for school pictures. Should be lit. Until next week, betches! 

Images: Giphy (5); ABC (3)

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Final Rose

Well ladies, we’re here, we’ve made it. The Bachelorette season finale. We’re down to the last two men: Blake, a man whose idea of the perfect evening involves his mother and rewatching Mama Mia! for the tenth time, and Garrett, who has probably started sentences with “I’m not trying to be racist, but…”. Damn, how did this girl get so lucky??

Moving on to the Bachelorette finale recap: Chris Harrison, please STOP trying to say that we’ve all been dying to find out how this season ends. It’s like he doesn’t realize we know how every minute of the entire season will play out two weeks before it even premieres? Silly, Chris.

Garrett’s up first to meet Becca’s family. He keeps talking about how nervous he is, but as long as he doesn’t comment on the size of Becca’s sister’s hair then he should be okay.

Okay, WHO is this Uncle Chuck person and why is he rocking a massive cross as a choker? I bet the only time Uncle Chuck has ever taken that thing off was when Becca needed to bring it to her tattoo “artist” as a template for her HAND TATTOO. It’s all making sense now. I suddenly understand where Becca inherited her good taste in style.

Garrett has to be drunk during this, right? Because the only time I cry this much is in a club bathroom after nine vodka sodas while explaining to the girl one stall over that no one really “gets me.”

Meanwhile, the sister’s hair is growing by the minute. Each time Garrett sheds a tear, her hair grows another inch.

Monica Geller

^^Actual footage of her sister rn in this tropical climate

HAHA. Garrett just said Uncle Chuck “came in hot” with the questions and I’m dying. I’m pretty sure the deepest question he asked was “have you ever cried with Becca.” If he thinks that question is tough then I’m nervous absolutely giddy at the thought of Chris Harrison grilling him in the hot seat later.

Blake’s up next to meet the family, and he brings wine. A strong start, but first he’ll have to swim under the moat production had to build over Garrett’s tears yesterday. 

BLAKE: I gravitate towards strong women. Independent women. Women I sometimes call “mommy.”

Is anyone else getting a weird mommy dearest vibe from Blake rn? Like, we get it. Your mother still cuts the crusts off your sandwiches and is the first to like your inspirational selfies on Instagram. Enough, I beg of you.

Elsewhere, Becca sobbs into a couch cushion over how, like, hard her life is rn while her sister tries not to beat her with the mass of her hair. She’s like “I know this must be so hard for you to have two very attractive men vying for your attention.”

ALSO EMILY: Here, we’ll flip a coin. Heads I get Garrett and tails I get Garrett, k?

HAHAHAH. Becca’s mom just told Blake “it’s okay if she doesn’t pick you though.” Like, does this lady not realize those words are going to make him  dive off the nearest Maldivian cliff now??

MY GOD Blake is so effing dramatic. He keeps saying how things are off with him and Becca. He’s sitting there nitpicking every word that comes out of her mouth and over-analyzing her body language and—wait. Sh*t. I’m just realizing. I might be a Blake. Blake might be me. 

CHRIS HARRISON: Wow. Blake is in a tailspin right now.

Ah, Chris. Always there to kick someone when they’re emotionally ready to jump of a cliff. God bless you. You keep me young.

Becca asks her family who they liked best and it feels like they’re Team Blake, no?

BECCA’S FAMILY: I’m not saying who you should choose, but Blake is your equal in every way.
UNCLE CHUCK: But Garrett’s got a really beautiful soul. He’s just such a poet.
ME: 

Why do I feel like Uncle Chuck also likes questionable memes on Instagram in his spare time?

Why does Becca keep saying she and Garrett started off slow? Didn’t he get the first impression rose? On The Bachelorette that’s a good as a marriage proposal.

Okay, I will say that I’m swooning a little over Becca and Garrett’s boat date. When I go on Hinge dates with #NotAllMen types, it’s less dolphins and sunsets and more “you’re a feminist so you can grab the bill, right?”

Cut to the evening portion of the date and Garrett starts painting a picture of what his and Becca’s life will look like. It includes dirty diapers and date nights in the grocery aisle! What a beautiful life you’ve planned for her, G, that doesn’t sound even a little bit sexist!

GARRETT: I’ll stand by you and choose you every single day.

THOSE ARE LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME WORDS ARIE SAID TO HER. GARRETT, COME ON. You’ve got to have better material than that.

Okay, he’s def wine drunk during this entire night. He keeps talking about how he sees forever with her, but I just don’t believe that a guy who was divorced before the photographer could even develop the wedding photos really understands the concept of forever.

Moving on to Blake’s one-on-one date. It’s not looking good for Blakie. Why do I feel like he’s going to have a mental breakdown the likes of which have not been seen since the time Blake discovered his mom was banging his coach?

Does anyone else feel like Becca is slowly trying to distance herself from Blake? Blake is trying to ask what her family thought of him and she can’t even give an answer without mentioning Garrett’s name somewhere in it.

BECCA: Well, my sister liked both you and GARRETT. Both you and GARRETT are such good guys.
BLAKE: *internally screams*
ALSO BLAKE: 

She hasn’t said your name once, Blake, better call your mom while there’s still time to have her fly out and be waiting in the wings with tissues and Ben & Jerry’s after the proposal.

WAIT. Did Blake also make Becca a sad handwritten book?? Did he just copy Jason’s “how to be the next Bachelor” worksheet? Where are these dudes even getting these ideas from? Early 2000s rom coms?

Oh wait. It’s a time capsule. Doesn’t a time capsule imply that time has had to pass before you can open it? Like, those photos are from today, dumbass.

ABC brings out Neil Lane from the hole where they stash him in between seasons so he can cobble together diamonds for them. His eyes practically light up when Garrett says he’s been married before. Like he knows he’s going to get free publicity AND the ring back in 3-6 months when Garrett realizes Becca walks in women’s marches and wants equal pay.

Meanwhile, Becca’s getting ready for her big proposal and I’m already alarmed by what she’s willingly putting on her body without being held at gunpoint or anything. First, there’s the earrings, then there’s the CROCHET HALTER on that sequined monstrosity she’s trying to pass off as formal wear. She might as well have set that 18 grand ABC gave her for wardrobe on fire.

GARRETT: It’s terrifying to think that I might be engaged again, but at least I didn’t rush into it this time.

YOU’VE KNOWN THE GIRL SIX GODDAMN WEEKS. What do you mean you’re not rushing into this? How long did you date your last bride? 10 days?

Alright, deep breaths, people. The moment ABC has been holding us hostage for all effing season is finally here, and Chris Harrison is really hyping it up. He’s like “prepare yourselves because what you’re about to see contains graphic footage of a grown man going to literal pieces on national television. Let’s tune in!”

The boat pulls up and it’s Blake. BLAKE IS GOING HOME. Tbh just once I would like to see them have the winner go first and then the second guy gets rejected passively the second he pulls up and takes one look at Becca’s already occupied finger. Is that so much to ask?

Oh god he’s sweating so bad. He’s, like, sitting in a pool of it. Blake goes “when all this is done it’s just gonna be you and me, babe.” YOU AND ME BABE. I’m f*cking dying. This is so painful to watch.

ALSO ME:

Sidenote: Do you think they send them to these extremely hot locales only to make the breakups that much more emotional? Because I am EXTREMELY dramatic when I’m hot. I think I threatened to commit suicide today when I went out to pick up my lunch.

The two of them having this breakup fight whilst dripping sweat must be what the 9th circle of hell looks like. Her makeup is literally ROLLING OFF her face and he’s using his suit jacket as a towel. It’s so hard to watch.

Yo he’s soooo salty about this whole thing. He just shrugged off her goodbye! I wonder if she can hear him howling from the limo as her glam squad tries to fix her face before Garrett comes in.

OMG Blake sobbing into this towel rn is TV gold. I want to save this and watch this on repeat for the rest of my life.

BLAKE: I can’t believe after all this I have to do this crazy thing called life alone.

Blake, I’m right there with you, buddy. You think it’s easy spending six weeks watching your fool ass on national television and only have a relationship with my Seamless guy to show for it? WELL, IT WASN’T.

Wait. Is ABC really going to cut to the live after show rn? *throws laptop at wall* Goddamnit, ABC, I will burn your studio to the ground if you make me wait one more minute for this proposal.

Becca comes out and Blake is like “ugh I was hoping you looked ugly.” Honestly, Blake, you’ve seen her in all the sequins Forever21 has to offer and still thought she was beautiful so obviously we can’t trust your judgement here.

Okay, Blake is handling this breakup confrontation way too well. He’s definitely campaigning for the new Bachelor spot. Jason, you’ve got some competition!

CHRIS HARRISON: Did you cry in your mother’s arms after Becca dumped you at the altar? How many times?
BLAKE: 

CHRIS HARRISON: Blake, what will help you move on?
BLAKE, INTERNALLY: If you would make me the next f*cking Bachelor.

FINALLY. We get to see the proposal. Garrett is like “you look amazing today” and that’s how you know they’re going to make it. If he can propose to her while she’s looking like the discarded scraps of  a Project Runway challenge then you know it’s real.

Okay, this speech is so half-assed. Did he just Google “good proposals” and then go with the first thing that popped up? Also, why is she interrupting him halfway through that mediocre speech? OMG he thinks she’s dumping him! Becca you’re so cruel, I love it.

Ugh why is she proposing to him now? BECCA, HE HAS ONE JOB. LET HIM DO IT.

BECCA: 

Jesus. The bar is so low, isn’t it ladies?

Becca and Garrett make their debut on “After The Final Rose” and they’re both plastered. It’s the only explanation for why she keeps screaming so much.

I will say Becca looks amazing tonight. It’s amazing what love, stability, and fresh extensions will do for a girl who thinks sequins are appropriate for any occasion.

Chris calls out Emily and I feel so bad for this girl. Like, don’t call attention to her hair anymore than the producers already have! You know the second he shouted at her, her hair stood at attention and was like “oh sh*t! They’re talking to me.”

GARRETT HAS A MULLET WIG. Becca’s trying to play it off like it’s just a fun disguise for when they sneak around and not like it’s something they bust out in the bedroom. Sure, Jan. Sure.

Ah, so they ARE going to address the memes. In the last seven minutes of this goddamn episode. Way to give this sensitive topic the time and attention it deserves, ABC! You’re just lucky I’m so f*cking exhausted from watching THREE HOURS of this horse sh*t that I’m not going to riot in the streets over this.

Oh my god Becca just tried to say that this meme thing was Garrett trying to challenge her. YEAH CHALLENGING YOU TO SMACK HIM.

CHRIS HARRISON: There’s ups and downs and trying to explain to your fiancé why it’s not okay to say that child survivors of a school shooting are crisis actors. That’s a relationship!

The season ends with ABC gifting the happy couple with a mini van! They drive off into the sunset and I guess it’s nice that Garrett still lets Becca drive. You know, at least until they have kids!

And on that note, good season everybody! I mean, good for everyone but Becca who is going to have to wear that tacky-ass ring for the rest of her contractually obligated life. See you all tomorrow in Paradise, because ABC doesn’t want me to have a goddamn life.

Images: Giphy (10)