Think About Why You Want To Get Married
Does Your Partner Really Need An Ultimatum?
Deal In Facts
Make It A Dialogue
Stick To Your Guns
The internet has given us many gifts. From memes to comment sections on articles, it is a trash heap treasure trove where virtual strangers can exchange ideas and express their creativity freely. One amusing manifestation of this is the ever-changing landscape of sex terms. Admittedly, it can be hard to stay updated on the lingo, so I’ve compiled a list of sex terms I’ve come across online that I had to look up. It’s tough admitting that I don’t, in fact, know everything, but admission is the first step toward recovery. My name is Betchina George and I’m a vanilla.
A skoliosexual is defined as someone who is “primarily sexually, romantically, and/or aesthetically attracted to genderqueer, transgender, and/or non-binary people.” It’s important to clarify that someone identifying as a skoliosexual is not necessarily attracted to the same set or subset of people as another skoliosexual. And some people exhibiting skoliosexual tendencies may not prefer to be labeled as such.
Not your New England uncle’s favorite pastime (or maybe it is, I don’t know your uncle), shrimping is described by our friends at Urban Dictionary as the sexual act of sucking on another person’s toes. In other words, a typical Tuesday night for Jax Taylor. And with that, my biennial voyage to Red Lobster for Endless Shrimp™ will never be the same again.
Cucking (short for cuckholding), is an offshoot of swinging most commonly thought of as a kink whereby one partner gets off on watching the other engage in sexual acts with another person. However, this is just one iteration of cucking. In some cases, the cuck (the partner not engaging in sex or other acts with a third party) may not actually be in the room when things go down. Instead, the cuck may prefer that their partner describe to them later in detail what happened with the other party, which the cuck finds arousing.
Apparently not a sweet nickname for Harry and Meghan’s new digs. Despite the sophisticated sounding name, the meaning is far more juvenile in that it is something I was more likely to do in college middle or high school than now: dry humping. Do adult humans who are old enough to drink in the United States and not on their periods actually choose to do this? I’m genuinely curious. No judgment though, whatever rubs you the right way. Sorry, I had to.
OK, so this isn’t technically a sex term per se, but it’s used frequently enough that I thought it merited inclusion on this list. An incel (short for “involuntary celibate”) is defined via Urban Dictionary as “a person (usually male) who has a horrible personality and treats women like sexual objects and thinks his lack of a sex life comes from being ‘ugly’ when its really just his blatant sexism and terrible attitude.” In other words, the entitled jerk on your apps who calls you an “ugly bitch” right after you ignore and/or reject his gross attempt at an opening line. Hard pass.
To put it simply, queening (which can also be known as kinging) is the act of sitting on someone’s face to facilitate oral (or in some cases anal) sex. Because, let’s face it, we’re all busy people and sometimes it’s best to just get right to the point. Do, however, make sure that your partner is on board with such literal in-your-face behavior. Consent, like cash, is king queen.
Hopefully, you have come away from this article learning something new (and feel free to add “queening” and “frottage” to your dating app bio). If not, and you already knew all of these, 1. bragging isn’t cute and 2. please bless us with your knowledge of other sex terms in the comments.
Images: Hop Design / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
This cold, dark winter is ending early because The Challenge: War of the Worlds is here! It’s time to watch international reality stars duke it out (and let’s be real, bang it out) in an attempt to win a million dollars. In celebration of this joyous day, I’ve braved the sound of my own voice to interview Nany Gonzalez, Challenge veteran. In our interview, we talk about what she’s been doing since her last season three years ago, what we can expect from this diverse cast, and all the drama that’s about to go down. Check out our conversation below, and fingers crossed she doesn’t roast me on Twitter after (it all worked out fine though, right Marie?)!
First of all, how does it feel to be back?
It feels so good to be back. Honestly, I definitely needed the time off. Away from reality TV, The Challenge, all that. But it feels really good to be back. And to see the social media and all the support that I’ve had It’s really humbling and I’m really excited to be a part of this show.
Why did you take time off and what have you been doing?
So my last show was Rivals III and that’s when I decided to take a break. I went back to school for esthetics and I graduated, worked really hard, and now I work for a medical spa in Chicago in the West Loop. I do all medical grade skincare and laser treatments. I love my job, I love what I do. I just make people pretty and it makes me feel good.
What made you come back? Did you just miss it?
Like I said, I had spent the last three years kind of establishing my career and I just felt like the timing was right. I felt very comfortable with where I was and I got the call to do The Challenge and I considered it, and I passed it along to my job, and they approved the time off so I figured why not? You know, I missed it. I missed the traveling, I missed the adrenaline rush from all the challenges and the eliminations. Just the entire experience in general. And you know I just wanted to give it another go. Why not? Might as well fight for a million dollars.
Can’t hurt to win some money on your time off.
What do you think of the newcomers from all these different reality shows? Do you like that addition? How does it change the dynamic?
So coming into this season and having cast that’s brand new, all from different countries and different parts of the world, some people didn’t even speak the same language. For me, I loved it. I thought it was great. And I thought it was probably the best season for me to come back to. Because in my time off I didn’t watch any of the challenges or really keep up with them, but I do have Instagram and I would see all of the drama between cast members and all the nonsense that went on the last three years. Coming into this show I was just like, “here we go it’s just going to be a lot of bad blood, people fighting over the same thing that happened three seasons ago, yada, yada, yada.”
But coming into this show what happened with half the cast brand new, it was a different dynamic. It was a bunch of new people who had never played the game before and they were really excited to be there. So the energy right off the bat was just good. It was good vibes!
From what I saw in the launch special it looks like there might be something going on between you and Chase? Can you give us a hint of what happens?
Oh my goodness okay so I’ll keep it very brief because that’s how long that whole thing lasted. No! Chase was a nice guy. Chase was a very nice guy. I met him the first night we got into the house. We kind of hit it off. He’s very cute. We had good conversation. And then I just think that things kind of moved too quickly within 24 hours and I was just not really looking for any kind of relationship or any attachment… and yeah, so that’s pretty much that. I just got out of a three year relationship. I went on this challenge to have fun, I was single for 2 months before I went on the show, so I was not trying to settle down with one person and definitely not within 24 hours.
Chase is my friend’s FAVORITE all-time Bachelorette contestants. She’s going to be very jealous when she sees this.
Ahhh Chase is a nice guy! I was just there to have fun. I didn’t want to be with anybody.
And it looks like you might have some drama with Dee?
As you can see in the preview we’re on the bus, it was after a drunken night out, and I can’t tell you exactly what the fight was about butttt I will say that for whatever reason she attacked me, and anyone that knows me knows I’m never going to back down to anybody. I don’t go out looking for drama, I’m never going to start anything with anybody, that’s not who I am, but if you come for me don’t think that I’m gonna back down. Don’t ever think that I’m scared. So I think it was just a drunken night, whatever. It is what it is. We woke up the next morning and she apologized. I don’t hate her. I actually grew to really like her toward the end of the season, I just think at that point in time it was really early in the game and we didn’t know each other and she just didn’t know who I was.
Who is your hardest competition in the game? Is anyone back from your past that you really hate?
I guess when you line everybody up, especially all the girls, there are a lot of great competitors. One of the new girls, Mattie, she’s like 6 feet tall, she’s an awesome competitor. I knew she would be a big threat. And then you have girls like Ninja Natalie who won American Ninja Warrior and so she was definitely one of the biggest threats in the house. And then of course you have Cara Maria who has won a million and one shows and works out every single day and her biceps are the size of my body. So yeah, there was a lot of competition for sure! But nobody that I was afraid to go against. I was ready for anything.
Can you spill the tea on anything scandalous that happens this season?
Well let’s just say this: what goes on in the Challenge house definitely doesn’t stay in the Challenge house. It will be nationally televised so anybody that’s in a relationship, has a boyfriend at home has a girlfriend at home, they will be exposed. And this happens on more than one occasion with more than one person, so stay tuned because it gets interesting!
And finally, anything else you can tell us about the season to get us excited?
Just in general, this is by far the best season I’ve ever competed in, of all seven seasons, and I think that everyone is really going to enjoy this season. It’s pure competition, very physical, and it’s what I think viewers have been wanting for so long now and they’re finally going to get it!
You can catch Nany on tonight’s premiere of The Challenge: War of the Worlds on MTV at 9/8 central!
Images: nanycarmen, challengemtv/Instagram
Well, fellow hostages, it seems my gleeful goodbyes last week were premature. There is a reunion. OF COURSE THERE’S A REUNION. I don’t know why I didn’t realize that we would need to hear about what happened immediately after watching what happened. So instead of binge watching the last three episodes of Bodyguard tonight, I will sit here and watch perfect matches systematically rip each other to bits by using their biggest insecurities against them. Oh wait. Now that I put it that way, this sounds like a blast. Shall we dive right in?
Papa T welcomes us to the reunion with clips from the season WE JUST WATCHED. Oh Papa T, you don’t need to remind me how terrifying Bria was. I see her vacant stare in my nightmares. Apparently this reunion was held in New York, and now I am fuming since I didn’t get an invite. What’s a girl gotta do to get a ticket to something around here? Not talk sh*t about the show and everyone who worked on it for 12 weeks in a row or something? As if!
As the perfect matches walk in, I make a few observations. Morgan invested in a new weave with her prize money and girl it was money WELL SPENT. And it appears all of our contestants time traveled back to 2001, got their outfits at Wet Seal, and were told the aesthetic was “trying to get laid at your junior prom after-party.”
Right off the bat, Terry asks Maria and Shamoy how their time in the honeymoon suite was. Nutsa swoops in to tell everyone that right after they got to the honeymoon suite, Shamoy told Maria he had a girlfriend back home. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Who vets these people, MTV? Lol sorry, my mistake. I didn’t mean to assume you put any effort into this casting at all.
Papa T to Shamoy:
Terry then moves on to the “taking questions from social media” portion of the evening. Sure. Why prepare for your job when you can rely on the questions strangers came up with on the toilet?
The cast is asked who the most surprising match was (Asia and Tomas), which then leads Daniel to say that Sam was too possessive of him over the season and he would have liked to talk to more girls. As if he wasn’t willing to let her suck his d*ck all season. Sure, Jan.
And that’s it for that portion of the reunion. I guess they could only find one intelligible question from Twitter for this whole segment, which actually sounds about right.
We return from the commercial break and Terry has Brett, Nutsa, Cali, Andrew, and Tomas on the couch with him. Delightful.
Tomas and Cali announce that they’re dating now. Poor Andrew, lost his perfect match and he looks like a total nerd tonight. I preferred him with the sunburn.
Terry sets his sights on Nutsa and Brett, and before she can get a word out he’s contradicting her. Terry has immediately lost control of the room. And then Zak starts to attack Nutsa on Brett’s behalf and winks at Brett like he’s doing him a favor. Dude, nooooo. Literally no one wants your help. Satan would turn you down. Nutsa threatens to personally sh*t on Zak and once again I thank her for her service.
Now the whole cast is saying that Nutsa is mean for going on social media and making fun of Morgan’s wig. Oh, whoops. Y’all aren’t going to like this recap I don’t think.
I’m glad to see everyone is drinking out of Solo cups during the commercial break. I feel like MTV thinks these people are like cars, and they won’t perform unless you fill them up with $20 of regular unleaded Malibu rum. Which is probably not far from the truth.
Tevin, Kenya, and Jasmine have now made their way to the hot seat. Kenya made a flattering color change to her hair, but I’m not into whatever is going on on Tevin’s head.
Kenya and Jasmine go at it a little, but admit they’re cool now. Apparently they even drunkenly made out.
You guys, Tevin is smizing so hard into this camera right now he’s giving Tyra a run for her money. He might as well be holding up a sign that says, “Agents! Available for bookings! Will do nudes! Call me at 555-555-5555.”
And there sure is a scandal here. When Terry asks why Kenya and Tevin are not together, Jasmine shouts “DIANDRA.” You all might remember her from last season. God this cast is as incestuous as a CW show, they are all sleeping together and then one day someone will give birth to twin babies that fly.
This is Diandra. (Also, you’re welcome for finding this, Diandra decided to make her Insta private this morning just to piss me off). Perhaps you should picture her with whipped cream in her mouth though, because apparently Tevin “ate some out of her mouth.” Dude, just spray it right from the can like the rest of us and then maybe your girlfriend won’t cut off your balls. Just a suggestion!!
Okay, Papa T actually has some even more inspiring advice for Jasmine than Nutsa had all season. He makes her repeat to the camera that she is “dope as f*ck” which is so dorky and only convinces me more that Papa T will be a very caring father with a ridiculous wardrobe and stupid job.
Now on the couch we have Samantha and Daniel, and it appears that even Sam’s disturbing obsession with Daniel’s sweat glands couldn’t keep them together.
We start off hot when Sam says Daniel wasn’t good at sex. He says she was spiteful and she asks him how she is spiteful. I would like to point to the part of this reunion where he said they weren’t good together so she said he wasn’t good at sex. THAT’S SPITE, SAMMY.
Apparently Sam is back with her douchey ex who I can’t remember that much about but like I think he was really blonde? The only reason that sticks out to me is because I find grown men with naturally very blonde hair to be unsettling. It’s a personal problem, I know.
Terry then turns to Asia and Lewis and asks if she feels bad that she made up a rumor about Daniel to get Sam to not pick him at the match up.
Literally everyone applauds her. I put down my cheese plate to do the same.
Now they’re taking questions from the audience. God, TERRENCE. You really just rolled out of bed and came to do this show, didn’t you? How would YOU feel if instead of writing this recap I just copied and pasted tweets about the reunion into WordPress? Hold up—can I do that? Editor?
Apparently I cannot. Anyways. Crystal from Long Island, that lucky b*tch that did get a ticket to the reunion, asks Asia how Lewis’ rejection affected her confidence and her ability to move on. Asia was like “I knew he wasn’t my match.” I am impressed by how well she handled this because if someone said that to me I would turn my apartment into a dark cave of sadness, never leaving my bed again except to tell the Seamless delivery man that he can just leave my food outside the door.
Now on the hot seat we have Cam, Kayla, Moe, Kwasi, and Lauren. We are shown clips of the whole Cam/Kayla saga in case anyone sustained brain damage between this week and last week. Terry asks them their relationship status, like he is a 14-year-old girl filling out her first Facebook profile. They are not in a relationship but are still two perfectly lovely people, one definitely on uppers, and one a future president of his frat.
Papa T tells Moe that even though everyone on his season of the show thought he was a disgusting troll, ladies on the internet were really into him. Hey! Are you talking about me, T? Moe says thank you and I also notice that he got a haircut and looks fine. HOW’S THAT FOR INTERNET FANS?!
Okay so now they are getting into the Kwasi/Cam fight. Apparently Cam got mad because Kwasi used the word “bag” but it was just a misunderstanding because in West Virginia it apparently means “to get to know,” but in Jersey it means “to have intercourse.” Look I’m from Jersey too and I have never once used the word “bag”. Should I have been doing that all along? TBH though everything I say is intended to mean “to have intercourse,” so why not throw another word into my lexicon?
Papa T moves the convo over to Lauren, who apparently is also back with her ex. But seriously, can I hire a research company or something to crunch some numbers for me? How many people get back with their ex after being on Are You The One? And how many hook up with a cast member from another season? How many end up on another MTV reality show? And how many spend their money responsibly? Spoiler alert: That last answer is zero.
Oh no. We’ve returned and it’s time to talk about Zak. Could we just spare ourselves the horror and go to the gynecologist or something else more pleasant?
Bria, Morgan, and Zak are on the couch and Papa T delicately asks Bria if she thinks she overreacted at all during the season. Then he motions for security to come stand in front of him. She blames her behavior on caring too much. Mmmkay. I think there’s a line between “caring too much,” and “intricately plotting someone else’s death” that got crossed this season, but maybe that’s just me.
Morgan says that Zak treated her terribly but at least he’s self-aware. LOL. I wonder if she thinks self-aware means sanctimonious prick? I hope she spent some of her winnings on a dictionary.
YOU GUYS. Listen to this! After the show, Zak sent Nutsa a one-way ticket to Texas, told her to quit her job, and convinced her to move in with him. AND SHE DID. NUTSA! I had so much faith in you! And guess what, he f*cked her over! I’ve never been less shocked about something in my life.
Then Papa T asked Zak if he hooked up with women from other seasons, because he’s a kind, kind man who wants me to have as much material as possible with which to mock the preeminent man-whore of our time. WHAT! You guys!! He hooked up with Geles from last season, and with Nilsa! One of my girls from Floribama Shore! NILSA! What about Gus? Gus is a diamond in the rough and Zak is an empty Doritos bag on the hot concrete. You foolish, foolish girl.
And Zak hooked up with Shanley from Season 1! How much time was in between their season and this reunion? Because I don’t think I’ve hooked up with this many people in like years, let alone in a few weeks’ time. And turns out he did the same thing to Shanley that he did to Nutsa! Exsqueeze me? Did Zak just spend all his winnings on flying girls out to Texas and then ripping their hearts out with his bare hands?
Okay so Shanley shows up and tells us that it’s over with Zak but says she wants to give us some context as to why she is there. Oh god. I’m scared. PLEASE DO NOT LET THE SPAWN OF ZAK BE IN HER WOMB.
Holy sh*t, she says Zak threatened to leak revenge porn of her. But he says he didn’t actually record anything he just told her that “as a threat” to scare her.
Okay Sam and Bria are kind of defending him right now and I have to put a stop to this right here. To the very small number of ladies reading this right now, NO. Do not defend a dude who threatened to release revenge porn of another woman! Who cares that he didn’t actually have it! (Which I don’t believe anyways.) I honestly can’t even think of something mean enough to say about Zak. He’s not even worth the time it would take for me to come up with a creative way to say he’s worse than the trash floating in the suspicious puddle I saw on a seat on the subway this morning. F*ck you Zak. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Nutsa calls Zak a sociopath and I am with her. I compared him to Ted Bundy last week and I stand by that and I think Nutsa would agree.
Now Terry gives Zak the chance to talk because we’re all just DYING to hear this manipulative prick explain why HE was wronged by the girl he threatened to release revenge porn of. Papa T asks Zak if he will ever change.
(Joey, I’m sorry I compared you to this loser but I couldn’t find a gif of the devil shrugging.)
On the commercial break, Zak is gleeful about how sh*tty he is. Seriously MTV, if I see him on a show again I will at the very least send your office multiple glitter bombs. Try cleaning that up, assholes.
We have finally made it to the conclusion, let me briefly summarize what is said:
- Everyone agrees Bria and Zak were the worst fight in the house
- Sam and Cali made up in the airport
- Everyone would do it again even without the money (probs because the alcohol is free)
And that’s all folks! This was all fun and games until someone threatened to release revenge porn, huh? I hope you all enjoyed the drama as much as I did, and as Terrence J says, we’re all going to die alone never give up on love!
Images: MTV; Giphy (5); @anthonymartin9 / Instagram
We’re back this week with another episode of Are You The One: When Will Bria Make Her Kill, and it’s a double episode! Lucky for those of us who watch this show to feel better about our own bad decisions, more work for those of us who have to recap this show. Can’t wait! Let’s dive in to the Are You The One recap.
The episode begins as our unlucky in love-rs traipse back to the house to dramatic and depressing music, their two pathetic beams looming heavy behind them and on their hearts. The group calls for a “family meeting” and I’m not sure if you should call the group of people you’re banging family. That’s only legal in a few states, and I don’t think Hawaii is one of them.
The group immediately starts ganging up on Zak and Morgan; apparently no one believes they’re a match. Bria’s mind control is working! What kind of sorcery is this? The group disperses, having come to no real conclusion other than the fact that Lewis needs some Gatorade.
Out back, Kenya and Lewis are talking to Bria and trying to convince her to get Zak back. Damn, Lewis, you are shady. “Just as fast as she got him, you can get him right back.” Not saying I didn’t say this same thing to my distraught friend when convincing her to crash her ex’s wedding, but still.
Kayla and Cam sit down and he starts telling her he has reservations. CAM! Am I going to have to take back all of the nice things I said about you last week? I’ll do it. I will. Okay, let’s see why he thinks they aren’t a match. She doesn’t like the ocean and he does. LOL. She gets motion sickness easily, and he likes to drive. LOL. She doesn’t like Donald Trump and he does. Oh. Okay. So that one could legit cause some big problems. HUGE.
Over in the kitchen, Andrew and Lauren seem to be getting along. He tells her he only wants one wife. And also a motocross bike. Okay Andrew, this isn’t a f*cking Christmas list. Take that one up with Santa at a later date. He should also add sunscreen to that list because he still hasn’t figured out how not to get burnt. SPF 50 pls, Santy!
OMG Lauren just asked Andrew if he could go for a blonde and he told her “absolutely, my mom is blonde.”
Lauren and all of America:
It is literally still nighttime, and now the crew has moved to the pool and is playing a friendly game of truth or dare. Cali dares Nutsa to play “nervous” which apparently is a game where you grab a guy’s d*ck? I don’t get the point. Do I need to call HR? Anyway, she chooses to grab Daniel’s. Samantha is not pleased. She starts yelling at Daniel and telling him it was disrespectful for him to let another girl grab his d*ck in front of her. I mean that’s fair, but like, you’re on an MTV reality show where you basically have to hook up with multiple people to win, so the normal rules of etiquette don’t really apply.
We have finally made it to morning and the cast is hanging out in the water. I guess Lewis can’t swim, since he’s wearing a life preserver. Maybe they should have given that to Kwasi last week for his surfing date? Unless they wanted him to drown?
Nutsa seems to have decided that her voice is not annoying enough, so she decides to physically assault her crush Brett with a pillow and with her body. Then she decides to chase him. It’s like watching a hamster finally get free from its cage.
Cam and Cali are openly flirting, and it’s causing Kayla enough distress that she has to go talk to herself in the mirror and cry in her bed. Dramatic much? I call that a Tuesday night.
Terry shows up and reminds everyone of his girlfriend, the beautiful fate button. It’s time to choose some people for dates! Fate chooses Zak, Daniel, Bria, and Asia and I guess Bria’s mind control extends to the fate button as well. The house breaks out into applause because they are afraid Bria will hurt them if they don’t clap want to find out if Zak and Bria are a match.
Kayla and Kwasi start vibing and I’m happy for her because I don’t want to see her crying in her bed again. Put yourself out there, Kayla! There are 9 other men in this house that will eventually dump you the second someone hotter comes along.
Okay, Samantha sits down with Daniel and I just had to listen to like, a solid three minutes of her saying she doesn’t trust him and he hasn’t earned her trust and affection for her to then go into the boom boom room with him. Next time spare me the bullsh*t foreplay and let’s get right to it.
Moving on to the date, our couples are going dune buggy-ing. Zak decides to take the wheel instead of Bria, which I think is the safest choice for all involved. They’re taking them on a road, though—I thought these were for off-roading? Does one often encounter dunes on the highway? Our daters pull their buggys up to the coffee shop for the rest of date. So their date is literally a pit stop I made before work this morning. MTV is really forking over the big bucks this season.
Over their lattes, Zak tells Bria that he’s surprised that they were able to pick it right back up and he could see why they might be a match. DUDE! Never before in my life have I seen someone so easily distracted by what’s in front of them. Wait, I lied.
Zac and Bria make out. I’M CALLING THE POLICE. If this isn’t a case of thinking-with-your-d*ck-itis, I don’t know what is.
Back at the house, Terry shows up to earn that minimum wage paycheck. Zak and Bria tell the house that they kissed and Morgan is sad. Don’t worry, Morgan! Once he sees you and remembers you he’ll make out with you too!
Samantha calls out Zak for being a d*ck in front of Morgan. In the interview room she says this about Zak and Bria, “They literally both don’t care how other people feel so maybe they are a match made in heaven. Or a match made in hell.” Truer words have never been spoken, Sam. We applaud you and we thank you.
As expected, Zak and Bria were voted into the truth booth. They both are confident that they’re a match. They should be as confident in their relationship as I am in the MTA’s ability to get me anywhere on time except into an early grave.
And LOL they’re no match. Literally I’ve never been happier to see two people so upset. You would murder each other, you f*cking morons!! Not even the devil would match you up because he doesn’t want to see Bria in hell any earlier than he has to!
Bria is sobbing and Zak tells the camera he needs to move on. LOL what a douche. I’m going to set his house on fire.
Naturally, Bria comes back looking for a fight. I’m sorry, a debate. She was on the debate team, y’all remember? Immediately she moves on Kwasi, who told them that they suck when they returned from the truth booth. Zak immediately ditches. LOL what a douche. Bria is screaming at Kwasi, so naturally he gets heated. God, Bria, have you heard of a joke? Did they not teach you about those in the hellmouth you crawled out of?
Now Asia is jealous that Bria gets to do all the debating so she decides to start sh*t with Nutsa when our poor little hamster friend just wanted to get some food! I literally do not even know what this fight is about. GOD where does MTV find these people?? I honestly think that they go to the trashiest bar in Tampa, find the girl that just punched another girl, walk right up to her and say “hey, wanna be on our dating show?” Bria, let me know if I’m right.
Moe is turned on by Asia’s bullying, so he follows her outside to tell her he’ll always be there for her. You say that now, Moe, but just you wait until one day you are just walking to the kitchen to get food and she jumps down YOUR throat.
SHOCKER! Zak wants Morgan back. He pulls her aside and says he doesn’t want to be with Bria and he’s actually into Morgan.
Zak: So what are we?
Zak! You’re the worst!
Bria sees them talking and strolls out hand in hand with Kwasi. I guess they’ve made up. Kwasi finally calls Zak out in front of both Bria and Morgan and asks him who he would want to pursue a relationship with outside the house. He panics. Might I remind you, he LITERALLY JUST TOLD MORGAN HE DIDN’T WANT TO DATE BRIA.
Zak finally decides that since he already knows he’s not a match with Bria, he’ll say Morgan. Bria loses her sh*t and gives them all a lecture, telling them they’re not better than her. Oh, Bria. Honey. I know a cockroach that’s better than you.
Zak and Morgan take it to the boom boom room for one last f*ck before Bria kills them. Morgan! For shame. Missionary with the lights off is not worth your dignity.
Inside, Cali and Cam are talking. He tells her he likes her because she’s “nature girl” and he’s “nature boy.” OH REALLY. Why do I get the sense that Cam’s idea of exploring nature is drinking a Natty Light in his backyard with his bros?
We’ve finally made it to the matchup ceremony and it’s a guys night to pick. They decide to go with their hearts instead of with strategy because last week strategy didn’t work. I wonder if anyone took a minute to think perhaps they just came up with a bad strategy? No? So just me then? Cool.
- Tevin picks Kenya
- Tomas picks Cali
- Lewis picks Lauren
- Moe picks Asia. Asia uses this opportunity to yell at Nutsa again. And like, Nutsa may have an annoying voice, but she’s actually pretty chill so this is not a good look Asia. And neither is that frosted lipstick.
- Brett picks Nutsa. Brett uses his time to stand up for Nutsa and now he’s my new favorite.
- Zak picks Morgan.
- Cam picks Kayla despite dumping her like last week’s trash in the beginning of the episode.
- Kwasi picks Jasmine
- Andrew picks Samantha
Okay am I missing something? Where’s Daniel? And Bria? They’re sitting next to each other but they never showed him picking her. Why didn’t he pick Sam? I’M SO CONFUSED. It’s like he wants his d*ck cut off.
The group gets four beams! Papa Terry is proud and this week he tells them to go take a shot for him. Oh they will Terry, they’ll each take nine of them.
Back at the house, Cali reminds everyone that only two couples repeated tonight and it was her and Tomas and Morgan and Zak, which means that only one of them is a perfect match. Cali and Tomas are convinced it’s them and that’s enough to get them to the boom boom room, but apparently not enough for Tomas to get it up.
Back outside, Kwasi and Kayla are talking and Cam is shocked. YOU TOLD HER YOU DIDN’T THINK YOU WERE A MATCH! Of course she is talking to someone else! And now you’re jealous? That’s not how it works.
Cam pulls Kayla aside and he tells her he doesn’t want to be made a fool of. This conversation basically goes nowhere and Cam goes back into the house to confront Kwasi, who quickly turns into Kwasi Beast and throws himself across the room to attack Cam. We end the episode with the guys holding Kwasi back and me imagining the tongue lashing they’re going to get from Papa T.
See you all next week!
Images: Giphy (4)
Instagram engagement announcements are all fun and games, until the save the dates pour in. That’s when you start hemorrhaging money into weddings that aren’t even your own. From buying a dress you haven’t posted a photo in to paying for travel and buying a gift, funding your wedding attendances can be f*cking expensive.
Luckily, you have two options. The first is, consider the fact that like, 50% of weddings end in divorce. Realistically, you can probably skip half of the weddings you’re invited to. In a few years, these people likely won’t care that you missed their special day. They’re knee deep in a messy divorce anyway.
If your FOMO is holding you back from missing out on an open bar, then you’re better off with option number two: learn how to budget. Because budgeting is like, def not my forte (I spent $17 on a sushi burrito last night, someone please cut me off from my own finances). So, I asked Zola’s Wedding Expert, Jennifer Spector, for some advice.
Before we really dive into this, we’ve gotta get two general things out of the way:
First off, when buying a wedding gift, it’s probably best to stick to the couple’s registry. Like, even if you think your college roommate and her new husband could really use a set of crystals, don’t be cute. Just get them the damn blender they asked for.
“Do not spend money on a gift the couple will probably return!” warns Jennifer. “The registry is a wish list of items that the couple actually wants, so it’s best to spend money on something they’ll use, even if it’s not your personal taste.”
Second, it’s tough to estimate exactly how much most people spend on a wedding gift. It truly depends on the relationship you have with the couple. The average amount of money people spend on gifts from Zola registries is $100. So you can expect to spend about that much, but potentially more or less depending on the circumstances. Here’s a guide to choosing gifts for practically every kind of wedding scenario you’ll find yourself in.
When You Have To Attend Literally Every Wedding Related Event
Did you get sucked into attending a wedding that’s actually like, a million mini events spread out over the course of a few months? I mean, there’s a pretty good chance this will happen to you at some point, considering how out of hand weddings are getting. The best way to get through an entire string of wedding events is to set a budget ahead of time and stick to it. If you can plan things out, you won’t get stuck just buying something last minute and blowing more money than you’re comfortable spending.
Jennifer explains, “A good rule of thumb is the 60-20-20 rule, spend about 40% on pre-wedding events, and 60% on the wedding gift.”
Another solid tip is to blow everyone away with your ability to act like an actual adult and gift items at the appropriate occasions. For example, a smaller, more personal gift like a Winc Monthly Wine Club subscription is a dope gift for a bridal shower. While bigger ticket items like plates and sh*t are better for the actual wedding.
When You’re A Bridesmaid
I mean, generally speaking, as a bridesmaid, you basically have to sell your soul to the bride. There’s kind of no getting around this one. While the leader of your #BrideSquad (barf) will probably dictate how much you spend on the bachelorette party and your dress, it’s totally appropriate to cap off your gift budget at $100 to $150. If you have a bride friend who keeps complaining about the fact that nobody has bought her the Roomba she registered for in the #BrideTribe group chat (barf, again), you can totally team up with some other bridesmaids to buy a bigger gift.
When You’re Expected To Go To A F*cking Destination Wedding
Yup, even though this couple is making you drag all of your skin care products to like, Bermuda, you’re still totally expected to get them a gift, too. The good news is, it’s totes kosher to spend a little less than you normally would had it been, like, some random venue in New Jersey. Most sane couples will understand that since you’re showing up, there’s less pressure to buy a crazy expensive gift. In the wise words of Kanye West, “my presence is a present, kiss my ass.”
When You Have To Go To Karen From Accounting’s Wedding
Maybe the only good thing about attending a coworker’s wedding is the fact that you don’t have to go all out on the gift giving. You can grab one of the basic items off the registry and spend about $75 without worrying. If you’re going to “regretfully decline” the invite, you can get a gift around $50 as a “sorry I didn’t go to your wedding, but I still have to see you every day” consolation.
When Your BFF Or Cousin Is Tying The Knot
If your childhood best friend who you’re still close with but who doesn’t love you enough to make you a bridesmaid invites you to your wedding, you might want to spend a little more than you would on another wedding. Same goes for like, your cousins. It’s tough to say exactly how much more you should spend. It’s really dependent on your relationship with the person. However, these should definitely be more personal gifts. Idk though, just like, ask your mom!
Images: Unsplash/Gades Photography; Giphy (5)
Have you all been watching The Challenge: Final Reckoning this season? The show is always insane, but this season the contestants are competing for a million dollars, which has caused everyone to lose the precious few brain cells they hadn’t already killed with alcohol and multiple concussions. It’s truly a delight to watch. We’re only three episodes in and two people have already been kicked off for fighting, there was one sensual application of sunscreen, and a rookie has made it clear he wants to smother the vets in their sleep he’s here to make moves.
Not only are the contestants literally coming for each other on the show, but they are also figuratively going for the jugular over Twitter. The lack of shame is simultaneously unbelievable, repulsive, and impressive. It’s like they don’t even care that they’re embarrassing their mothers. Now, I don’t use Twitter because it reveals human nature to be deeply disturbing. But, for all of you, I braved this internet cesspool to round up some of this week’s Challenge feuds. Pray for me.
Everybody Hates Natalie
I had to give Natalie her own category, because it seems like she’s pissing off everyone with a limited vocabulary and access to a keyboard.
Natalie and Shane are in a bit of a tiff because he called her out for being fake. WAIT. People on reality TV are fake?! You mean those aren’t Kylie’s real lips?! I am shook. To quote Shane on Natalie, “You are a user, user, user—sad pathetic, unable to handle criticism loser.” See what I mean about limited vocabulary? Also, it seems like he’s stealing his Twitter insults from someone who runs the free world and also needs his phone taken away from him, amirite? Ill-advised.
GUESS WHAT CAST MEMBER THIS IS ABOUT ???????????????????????????????? https://t.co/Gu44fVnnCQ
— Shane MTV (@shannanity) August 1, 2018
In retaliation, Natalie tweeted that she wasn’t being fake, she was just being nice. Shane came for that too.
Nat! You’re not nice to people you want to slap, you’re rude and ignore them-u act like they’re bullies and u use sympathy and whining to validate yourself. No one thinks your kindness is fake. Your nonstop whining and crying about being “shamed” and “harrassed” is. ???????? Over it pic.twitter.com/tKthdJEM3a
— Shane MTV (@shannanity) August 1, 2018
And finally, Natalie had enough of everyone’s favorite hair-plug truther and blocked Shane like I do to Bank of America everytime they call to remind me to pay my bill.
OMG SOMEONE CALL THE WAHMBULANCE – ???????????? waaahhhhh waaahhhhhhh waHhhhh I promise you if I kissed her ass non-stop or she could USE me (ie had more followers than her) she would have taken it all with an oh you. You don’t deserve my friendship snowFAKE pic.twitter.com/HeBRarcki5
— Shane MTV (@shannanity) August 1, 2018
Then Cara jumped into the fray because Natalie drove to her house, put a gun to her head, and forced her to defend her honor.
The problem is – is that I did like her. And actually have given her many more chances then she’s ever given me to be a real fucking human being deserving of my friendship. News flash – she’s undeserving. Now It’s about exposing the non-stop lies/fakery https://t.co/Fd5E63Y0F6
— Shane MTV (@shannanity) August 1, 2018
Nah, just kidding, I think she just can’t resist not being talked about. So, in summation, Shane’s major problem is that Natalie is fake, and my major problem is that I have yet to attain the level of pettiness that Shane maintains. God bless.
Zach also took a shot at Natalie this week, after she lost her second elimination of the season. FYI THERE HAVE ONLY BEEN TWO ELIMINATIONS THIS SEASON. And yet, Paulie and Natalie remain on the show like the cockroaches that will rule the world when we are all blown up in a nuclear war.
Zach here is how you spell challenge… Give me a C give me an H give me an A give me an L give me an L give me an E give me an N give me a G give me an E… what does that spell?!!! …. Challenge. I’m proud of you ✅
— Natalia Negrotti (@NataliaNegrotti) August 1, 2018
Our bud Zach over here is playing with fire, throwing out insults without running the spell check first. He deserves this clapback from Natalie. Never go against a former cheerleader when spelling simple words is on the line.
Kyle vs. Britni
Britni and Chuck didn’t even make it into the Challenge house this season because she let him die a slow death suffocating in a coffin buried in the beautiful South African earth. Actually, they just sucked at the challenge—that’s just an idea for you there, Britni. But, it seems in the 30 seconds they spent on the show together, Kyle decided that Chuck was a pretty cool dude and he couldn’t wait to see him on the next challenge. Hey, I can certainly decide I hate someone in 30 seconds, so who am I to judge?
Kyle don’t make me put you on my list of people to send booking next season. You know I’m only getting stronger ????????
— Britni Nicol MTV (@BritniNicol) August 1, 2018
Naturally, this pissed Britni off, because one season of twerking on her ex is more than enough for her. It seems Kyle has made a new enemy, so he better watch out, or next season Britni is coming for him. Well, once she figures out how to put on pants. But then he’s really screwed!!
Paulie vs. Chuck’s Girlfriend
I saved the best for last. As we saw in this week’s episode, Paulie told Brad that Chuck and Britni hooked up, just like he told them he would. This reminds me of when I was in college and my best friend would announce that we were ordering pizza that night before we had even started drinking. Just too damn excited about the secret plan to keep your mouth shut for a second. Be cool!
Brad wasn’t the only one pissed about this revelation. It didn’t seem to sit well with Chuck’s girlfriend at home either.
Is it really tho?? I’m @MTV_Chuckalodon girlfriend. Clearly you give no fucks but just so you know deep inside, you single handedly caused me to have one of the worst weeks of my entire life while he was gone filming & your cute little lie spread to my inbox. ???????? @ChallengeMTV
— Miss_TaylorDawn (@miss_taylordawn) August 1, 2018
Oh, honey! I’m so sorry you had a hard week. I hope you made it through! If I had known I would have brought you a bottle of wine and a refreshing slap to the face. Luckily for you, Taylor, your boyfriend didn’t make it past the first challenge. So now he’s back and you can rest easy knowing that he’s definitely not cheating on you at all at home. For sure. He’s like SO faithful. Definitely doesn’t have multiple side pieces. A true gem! Enjoy your week!
And that’s what’s been going on on Twitter this week. I’m going to go wash my brain out with drain cleaner now. And you all should be sure to catch Marie’s savage recaps before next episode!
Images: shannanity (4), natalianegrotti, britninicole, miss_taylordawn/Twitter
Tune in to The Challenge: Final Reckoning Tuesdays at 9pm on MTV!
The Challenge: Final Reckoning premiered last night on MTV, and needless to say some serious shit went down. And I mean shit literally went down, like beneath the earth, because contestants were buried alive only to be rescued by their mortal enemy, aka their new partner. Personally I would have just quit the game and left my nemesis to die slowly from their own paranoia and lack of oxygen, but that’s why they don’t put me on reality TV. In honor of this new season, we spoke to last season’s champion and the human embodiment of a CrosFit gym, Cara Maria. In our interview she spills the tea on that controversial Paulie hookup, puts some others on blast for their own hookups, tells us what really happened with Kyle, and reveals if she murdered her partner Marie. Fingers crossed for the last one! Here’s what the baddest bitch in the game had to say.
First of all, congratulations on winning Vendettas.
Thank you! That is like the coolest thing ever, like before I used to walk down the streets and people would be like “yo, Cara, what’s up!” and now people call out “yo, Cara, congratulations!” and I’m like “COOL!”
We all watched the season premiere last night, and you have to tell us how you felt when you dug Marie up from that grave and learned she was your partner?
Uhhhh like all hope was lost. I’m so competitive that when I was digging up the grave I was like “I’ve got this, I’ve got this, you’re up! OH GOD.” Only because I don’t care who I’m partners with. I could be partnered with the worst challenger in history, I don’t care about abilities. I care about heart. And I don’t feel like Marie ever showed that she had any. First of all, she only seems to care about what other people think about her. And second of all, she quits—she said it herself. She quit in the basket elimination with Kailah, she said Kailah had a better chance later on so she just didn’t even try. She quit in the eating challenge. She throws all of her friends under the bus and has allegiances to no one. No matter who is in her life, she’ll throw anybody under the bus at any point. She’ll betray anybody. So I just didn’t like her. She was not my type of human. And the fact that she basically campaigned on Twitter to make me be her partner, like she made this happen. And I felt used and I just didn’t like her and how she goes about things. It wasn’t so much worry about the competition, I just didn’t like her.
And so do your feelings throughout the season change?
Oh, we are THE team to watch. The reason I say that is because the hate is real, and then at some point you never know what’s going to bring you together with someone, you know?
Let’s get into the boy drama. In the premiere it seems like Kyle ghosted you between seasons, is that what happened?
No! I know that’s how they showed it, which is frustrating. Kyle, first of all, is single. He can live his life he can do what he wants, I’m gonna live my life, do what I want. The problem is, he doesn’t want me to do what I want to do, he only wants to do what he wants to do. If I flirt with anyone, if I do anything, he’s incredibly jealous. He’s a dick.
We saw each other in between seasons, he visited me, visited my family. And then he goes to Thailand and I can’t even explain what happened, but I thought at the end of the day at least we were friends or bros. Like I hang out with all the boys, with Zach with Tony with Johnny, like I’m just one of their little brothers, you know?
Then when we get to the house, Kyle lies about literally everything. Every time he opens his mouth, he is lying. In the house, they didn’t show it, he is in one breath in my ear flirting with me and being cute with me and in the next he’s shitting on me behind my back. So literally if you look up the word fuckboy in the dictionary he’s being a stereotypical fuckboy and trying to play me, and at the same time being a dick! I can’t follow him from one moment to the next, from one lie to the next. He’s lying saying he has a girlfriend, then he comes in and hooks up with Faith. But you just said you had a girlfriend. What are you doing? It made no sense and he was fucking with my head and lying. You’re not even treating me like a friend at that point. If he could have just been a man and come in and said “look I want to sleep with other people. Let’s be friends. I’ll still look out for you, I’ll still work with you, but I want to sleep with other people.” I’d be like okay, you’re an idiot because I’m awesome, but okay. Just tell me! Because the last I remember from him when we were doing our thing before he came out to Massachusetts I was like, “look you’re in your country, I’m in my country, I just assume you’re gonna do your thing and I’m gonna do my thing and when we’re together we’ll just do each others thing.” And he said, “If you’re with anybody else it’ll break my heart.” He is the one that was trying to stop me from being with other people.
Kind of manipulative?
Very manipulative! And a liar and a player! He’s just like, fuck, who is Kyle?! Who is he? Because I don’t know.
So what drew you to Paulie when you got there? Can you give us the hookup details?
Oh I look like a total loser, I know that. No, basically I was really hammered that night, totally making an idiot out of myself. He played it off really well. Like the thing with Paulie is when I met him at the airport, I was already friends with Natalie, Natalie was my closest girl, and Paulie was someone she knew from Big Brother. And so we were hanging out in the hotel before The Challenge and there was just a good vibe with him. I really liked him, I was drawn to him. When I was going through all that crap with Kyle he took me into the living room and danced with me, he just made me happy. He was somebody whose energy I wanted to be around. And he knew everything about me and Kyle.
He was sober that first night and played off my advances like a pro. He didn’t make me feel like a loser, he didn’t make me feel like an idiot even though that’s what I looked like. He was just really good with me. And I genuinely was attracted to him and interested and I understand, yes, he has a girlfriend, and that’s not a good look. But when you’re in the house with someone and it’s 24/7 you forget about life on the outside. You just look at what’s in there, really. And no excuses, I definitely look like an idiot at the end of the day.
So the hookup happens later in the season?
You’ll have to keep watching. But me and Paulie, he is really sweet with me, and really good. I know I’m flirty, I’m the same way with Hunter it’s just how I am. There was actually no intentions of, I mean actually there were intentions let’s be real, but… even though I wanted to, I really wasn’t going to go there even though I was flirting really hard. It was fun, I was being goofy. I thought it was funny! I was drunk and hurt by Kyle and being funny and Paulie was being good with me. The hookup, if there is such a hookup, you will not see for a while.
Are there any other controversial hookups from this season you want to put on blast?
Um, YEAH actually. We will just say Kyle is a dirty motherfucker. And we will say that what me and him have that was really sweet on Vendettas, I know that there’s some girls that are specifically using me and what following I have to make themselves relevant and, in turn, thinking Kyle might be a doorway to that. And at the end of the day, girl or girls, are gonna walk away crying about it. So whatever shit they want to talk about me now, they’re going to be the ones in tears on camera when they look like assholes because what they wanted didn’t pan out. So I’ll give you that little sneaky-peaky.
Going back to the game for a minute—I know you said you and Marie are a team to watch, but was there a team you were really afraid of?
Well, honestly looking around Brad and Kyle look the most fierce on paper. I mean really, what kind of elimination will there be? Here’s my thought process. I’ll tell you where my head was at. The last challenge I was at where it was like guy-guy, guy-girl, girl-girl, it was Bloodlines. And two challenges in, we were split into two big teams. So there had to be a certain way so guys go against guys and girls go against girls. Even though I had to go against with my cousin Johnny and Vince at one point, it was still mostly set up that way. So I’m assuming this is like a Bloodlines format and that’s how it’s going to twist. I could be wrong. But if two girls had to go against two guys, besides really a puzzle, how can you equalize certain things?
Is there anything super crazy that we’re not going to see on TV that you can spill?
I’ll give you a couple little background things. So in the hotel, Devin came with us. We’re all together in the hotel and came together on a plane ride and had a couple nights in a hotel to get situated before we get going to the main house and seeing TJ. So Devin was with us, he had a family emergency, so he had to go home. We assumed it was going to be some sort of a rivalry, we thought it could have been teams of three, we thought rivals would be a part of it, just because of the new people and how they would fit in, and we were like, “oh shit that would have been Johnny’s partner.” So then Devin’s gone and so we don’t know who’s going to be his partner.
Another thing—you all also missed the part on the first night where me and Johnny got naked, jumped into the pool together, full-on spread eagle, and then I jumped up and gave him a little kiss on the cheek. That’s my banana. But yeah, they didn’t show that. That might be on the shit they should have shown because that was the only part I really remember that night other than trying to get Paulie to “polidick.”
I was pretty impressed with your ability for drunk wordplay!
Thanks! I’m so bad, dude! I want to be embarrassed but I wouldn’t take it back because watching it I think it’s kind of hilarious. “Your best strategy should be to straddle me.”
So you’ve been on so many seasons, how do you keep your game fresh and how do you keep getting so far?
I get lucky, I guess. I don’t know! I’m really bad at politics, horrible at politics, the only thing people can know for sure with me is that if I tell you something I’m going to follow through. I don’t come into a season making promises to everybody. Which is another reason I wasn’t a fan of Marie. She would call everybody and try to make a deal with everybody and if you’re shaking everybody’s hand then you’ve got nobody. You can’t be friends with everybody. My whole strategy is the one thing that doesn’t change. I’ll try to be a little more low-key which is basically impossible, but I’m just confident enough on doing the best I can on challenges and doing the best I can in eliminations and just you know at the end of the day it’s in your hands whether you go home or not. Whether you get voted in every time or you don’t. Ideally you don’t want to see an elimination. That’s not the smartest way to make a final, because yeah you have bragging rights if you win, but you could come back with an injury like Hunter on Dirty 30—which prevents you from going to a final even if you do win—or when I went into an elimination injured my wrist. So you don’t want to see an elimination. You play the best you can to stay out of it and then if you have to go in you just do work.
Any last words about the season? Any regrets, anything you want to say about the final reckoning?
I regret nothing. And this season is literally the most explosive season I’ve ever done. I want to eat every single episode alive. I can’t wait to see every episode. I want to see more. I wish they would make more episodes so you can see what you miss, there’s too much to see. So much went on. I can’t even, I can’t wait to see how it all plays out. And the rivalries are real, there’s so many hookups. And if you didn’t like some people before you’re really not gonna like them now, unless it’s Johnny. You might find yourself rooting for him.
Tune in to The Challenge: Final Reckoning Tuesdays at 9pm on MTV!
Images: MTV ; Giphy; @misscaramaria/Instagram