Welcome back to tax hell, my friends. Remember last Friday night when Senate Republicans surprised Democrats with a 497-page House tax reform plan at 9:30 PM and then gave them 4.5 hours to read it before voting while we were all drunkenly celebrating the charging of Mike Flynn? It’s cool, neither do we. Ever since the Trump administration started, it’s like my memory wipes itself every 48 hours for self-preservation. Like 50 First Dates, but my brain trauma was actually caused by the President of the United States and not by dating Adam Sandler a car accident. (Is that how she loses her memory in 50 First Dates? Idk? I hate Adam Sandler movies.) We’ve already talked about why the GOP Tax Bill is shady af – and that was just about the tax related shit it included. “But why would a tax bill contain reform on non-tax related issues?” you naively ask in this, the cursedyear of 2017.

“BECAUSE EVERY THING IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AWFUL,” I cackle back while chugging a can of wine at 6:30AM on a Thursday. It’s fine. I’m fine. We’re all going to be fine.

That’s right, the GOP isn’t just here to make sure you can never own property or pay off your student loans – they want to fuck up other aspects of your life too! Who knew? It’s like they’re actual demons masquerading as rich, white conservatives! Oh. Wait.

Anyway, here’s all the shady shit the GOP snuck into their tax bill while we weren’t looking: 

Unborn Fetuses Are People Now

Honestly, how did we all not see this one coming? They managed to sneak this one in under the rule that allows parents to deduct a certain amount of money for their kid’s education, citing that an unborn fetus is included in the measure. Lol. As if anyone will be able to afford college 18 years from now.

This doesn’t really change how that particular law works, but it does set a precedent for an unborn fetus being a person, the first step in eventually attempting to turn over Roe v Wade. Get your red cloaks out ladies, it’s only a matter of time. Under his eye.

Separation of Church and State? Fuck that.

We’re one step closer to Pence’s America, folks. The House tax plan repeals the Johnson Amendment, which previously banned non-profit groups from engaging in political activism AKA churches can’t openly raise money and campaign for a candidate. If this bill makes it through the Senate review, every little Evangelical hellhole can start raising money to send their very own neighborhood pedophile to Washington DC.

Health Insurance Is (More) Expensive

SHOCKING. The plan repeals the Obamacare individual mandate, which made universal health care cheaper by spreading the cost of it across everyone because everyone had to buy insurance. Now that you’re not legally mandated to have health insurance, premiums will go up. You get cancer? Bankrupt. Break your leg? Say goodbye to your future. Get strep throat? Have fun living on the street you fucking animal.

Alaskan Oil and Gas Drilling

Because we learned nothing from the Dakota Access Pipeline, the Senate tax bill would open 1.5-million-acres of the 20-million-acre Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. There’s nothing fun or witty to say here, we’re just destroying protected land now. This bill has literally divulged me of a sense of humor. Thanks, Republicans.

Public School Funding is at Risk

Your favorite serial killer senator Ted Cruz snuck an amendment in that makes private or religious schools cheaper, but potentially cuts off funding for public schools by eliminating deductions for state and local income taxes and capping deductions for property taxes. Mandatory free education for children? Who needs it! Reading is overrated.

Beer and Wine Are…Cheaper?

Could there possibly be good news hidden within this sham of a bill? Maybe, as long as you’re not worried about cheaper alcohol raising the rate of drunk driving related deaths and addiction. Tbh, if any of us make it to 2020, alcoholism is the least of our concerns.

The bill would reduce special taxes on beer and wine, meaning an extra $4.2 billion in benefits. It’s not crystal clear if this is a win, but it’s the closest thing we have so I’m gonna take it.

The kicker in all this? Trump and his team are relying on the election of Roy Moore, A PEDOPHILE, to secure this bill. That’s right, our collective future depends on the discretion of a man who fucks children.

Cool. Everything is so great. I’m gonna go finish that box of wine now.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

If there’s one thing we all can agree are amazing, it’s elephants. They make the cutest stickers/earrings/necklaces, and they’re probably like, cool in real life too. Sadly, it is getting more and more likely that our accidental children will one day ask us, “Mom, wtf is that animal delicately tattooed on your wrist with a long nose? That shit looks crazy.” To which we will reply, “It’s an elephant. And don’t curse so fucking much you little asshole.” Why? Because the softcore Neo-Nazi squad Trump administration announced on Wednesday that the remains of elephants legally hunted in Zimbabwe and Zambia can come back into the US as trophies. Because that’s actually a super pressing issue in our country rn. So glad he acknowledged this detrimental issue! Like, fuck gun control and stabilizing the Obamacare markets, amiright? Bring in the body parts of innocent endangered animals!

Wonder what would have prompted him to take on this issue, apart from just generally hating anything done by Barack Obama. Oh…wait…

Image via Gothamist

What’s that in Don Jr.’s tiny hand, you ask? Oh nothing. Just AN ELEPHANT’S TAIL. Why would anyone even *want* to hold an elephant’s tail? That has to be bad luck or something, right? **Thinks about Don Jr.’s impending indictment on Russia related crimes** Yeah, it’s def bad luck…

Several agencies argue that big game hunters, especially American ones, bring revenue to the countries they hunt in, as well as awareness for the endangered animal. Which is toootaly true – Nothing makes me more aware that an animal is endangered than seeing a bunch of old, rich, white pricks posing with their carcasses on dating apps.

Much like the Trans ban in armed forces, Trump has continued to do what he does best: avoid real problems and act like an asshole. It’s really inspiring.

Anyways, if you want to read more about this, which I suggest you do because I’m biased and don’t see a point in the slightest for killing a fucking elephant, you can check out The Washington Post for a full, not fake, news report.

God, it’s like a deranged billionaire runs our government or something. Oh…wait….

Update: (11/20/2017): President Trump now appears to be going back on his decision to let people chop up elephants and bring them into the United States. He tweeted “Big-game trophy decision will be announced next week but will be very hard pressed to change my mind that this horror show in any way helps conservation of Elephants or any other animal.” Wow. Finally, a president who is brave enough to say, “Maybe that photo of my son gleefully holding a chopped off elephants tail up for the camera was in poor taste.” 

The administration is set to announce its decision on this issue Sunday, so get ready for him to spend the entire next week congratulating himself for deciding not to kill elephants as trophies. 

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Neighbors are the goddamned worst. This is not just a common cliché – it is fact. In college, we had our fair share of upstairs neighbors who sounded like their squeaky bedframes were going to break through the ceiling and fall on our faces. That Seth Rogen/Zac Efron movie, Neighbors, proved that even if you live next door to the most gorgeous human specimen to ever exist (call me, Zac), your neighbor will probably make your life a living hell. Two other neighbors who haven’t exactly been on loving terms lately are Rand Paul and his next-door neighbor, who got in a dispute that went from 0 to 100 real fast.
 

Who TF Is Rand Paul Again?

In case you need a refresher because all greying, white, male conservative politicians with one-syllable names blend together, let us remind you who we’re talking about here. Rand Paul is a senator from Kentucky with Justin Timberlake circa 1995 hair who had his hat in the race for President last year, but dropped out when he came in 5th out of 12 candidates in the Iowa Republican Caucus. As someone who also quits the second I’m not the best at something, I respect that. My illustrious soccer career ended in preschool and I’ve never looked back.

WTF Happened Here?

According to reports, Rand Paul was minding his business, mowing his expensively manicured lawn on his rich guy ride-along lawnmower, when his neighbor, Rene Boucher, went full Lemonade and beat the shit out of him. Boucher sits on the opposite side of the political spectrum, so at first, many assumed this might have something to do with their wildly different political views. Apparently, it all boiled down to a “landscaping issue”, with Boucher reportedly spazzing out because Paul blew a couple of lawn trimmings over into his yard. Dude needs a Xanax like, yesterday.

I know firsthand how completely psychotic neighbors get about their precious lawns – my parents once got a hand written letter in their mailbox because our petty af neighbors claimed that looking at the back side of our lawn decorations was an “eyesore.” Then, they built a fucking fence in the middle of our shared lawn to mark their territory. So we put some big-ass trees on our side of the fence. How’s that for an eyesore, bitch? Check yourself before you bring a knife to a petty gunfight.

Neighbors aren’t totally positive that stray branches caused Gretchen Weiners to crack Boucher to tackle Paul like a Real Housewife in a catfight, but many say that this conflict has been boiling below the surface for years. Paul ended up with a buildup of fluid around his lungs and six broken ribs as a result of the attack, which is like, pretty fucking serious. Police have charged Boucher with fourth-degree-assault, which is two degrees away from Kevin Bacon, and negative four degrees away from some highly probable jail time.

Here’s hoping Rand Paul has a speedy recovery because, regardless of how you feel about politics, no one deserves six crushed ribs when the argument comes down to leaves. However, I will say that this whole incident is truly bizarre and better than half of the reality TV garbage I subject myself to on a weekly basis. So if someone wants to challenge Kellyanne Conway to a UFC match, I’m not going to not watch, is all I’m saying.

Another day, another powerful white Hollywood male named as a gross sexual predator. At this point, we should really just copy and paste any of the other articles we’ve published on this topic and replace the name with whatever celeb is currently holding the title of (Alleged) Douchebag of the Week, because I’m getting really tired of talking about the same disappointing shit over and over. The most recent holder of said title is Louis C.K.—that comedian you know from HBO’s Louie, his guest stint on Parks and Rec, or the standup specials every guy who thinks he knows something about comedy made you sit through. Anyway, you’d better strap in because this one is a fucking doozy.

According to an article in the New York Times, five different women have come forward with allegations that C.K. decided—in a completely non-sexual environment—that it would be appropriate to whip his di.C.K. out and start rubbing one out in front of them. Now, if a guy has ever tried jerking off in front of you, you probably already know that nothing about this scenario is sexy. I’ve had boyfriends do it, I’ve had homeless guys on the subway do it, and let me tell ya, it’s pretty much never a good look. It’s like the 3-D version of an unsolicited dick pic. Did I ask for this? No. Am I soooo grateful and wildly turned on now that I’ve received it? Still no.

Two of the women claim that Louis C.K. asked if he could whip it out, while they were hanging in his hotel room at a comedy festival, and then proceeded to get completely naked and choke his chicken (ew, sorry). Another woman called C.K. to invite him to her comedy show, and could allegedly hear the unmistakable primal grunts and heavy breathing of a man getting his rocks off (no, you’re right. I’ll stop with the cringey euphemisms). The comedian asked a producer on a TV pilot, where he was a guest star, if she would allow him to masturbate in front of her. She declined because, duh. The fifth woman reportedly remembers feeling unsure and disturbed, but ultimately complying with Louis’ request to yank his wanker in his office while she watched (OK I’M DONE, I PROMISE).

The premiere of his new film I Love You Daddy, the heartwarming story of that time I set my age range to 40, was abruptly cancelled following the release of these accusations. Now, I’m no film expert, but I find it hard to believe there was no producer who read the script, which centers on an inappropriate courtship between a film exec and an underage girl, and thought, “There’s something creepy and red-flaggy about this guy but I just…can’t…place it…”

While he did not physically touch the women or force himself upon them, it is important to remember that this behavior still counts as a form of sexual misconduct. Abusing one’s power to justify lewd behavior that puts someone in an uncomfortable position is unequivocally fucked up. And comedy writing/funny masturbation terminologies aside, these women now join the ranks of the countless brave individuals who have risked backlash and judgment to come forward in an effort to end the egregious abuse of power by Hollywood predators. Thank you ladies, for fighting the good fight. We hear you.

So there you have it. Louis C.K. is officially cancelled. Honestly, why don’t we just preemptively cancel all men in Hollywood while we’re ahead? From now on, Hollywood is officially a girls club. If you wanna be my lover, ya gotta not sexually assault my friends.

Update: Louis C.K. has since confirmed the allegations in a statement, stating “These stories are true…At the time, I said to myself what I did was okay because I never showed a woman my dick without asking first, which is also true. But what I learned later in life, too late, is that when you hae power over another person, asking them to look at your dick isn’t a question. It’s a predicament for them. The power I had over these women is that they admired me. And I wielded that power irresponsibly.” Hmm…I mean, that’s a better statement than “I don’t know her” *cough*Ed Westwick*cough* or “But the NRA!” *giantcough*Harvey Weinstein*giantcough*, but I’m also not sure I buy the argument “I didn’t realize asking women if they wanted to look at my penis in a professional setting was wrong,” as an excuse. Sorry Louis, but you’re still cancelled until further notice.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!