So, Real Housewives of New York City is still on a tequila binge in Tequila, Mexico and if you haven’t watched this episode yet, I’d highly recommend it. It will definitely make you feel better about every questionable decision you’ve ever made.
Anyway, the episode starts out with everyone talking about their boobs, which then results in everyone being naked and running around.
Carole: I bare my boobs for art. The rest of the girls bare their boobs for tequila. PS, I have the best boobs of the group. They’re real.
Ramona and Bethenny have a nice moment in the pool.
Ramona: I really like you
Bethenny: I’m a pretty cool person
Ramona: But I feel like you don’t like me
Bethenny: Well, I don’t like you right now
The conversation then turns back to the comments Ramona made about Bethenny being naked in the press and how that must have affected B’s daughter, Brynn. I would just like to note that Bethenny is literally ass naked during this conversation.
On the other side of the pool, Dorinda is trying to get a pants-less Sonja dressed.
Dorinda: It’s literally like trying to put a bikini on a piece of spaghetti.
Anyway, back to Bethenny and Ramona. They’re literally screaming (slurring) and crying in the pool and there are little nude-colored pixel square censors over Bethenny’s boobs. I actually feel like I’m watching two Sims fight right now. The conversation ends with them making up, but we all know they’ll end up picking another fight soon.
Sonja’s still super drunk and asks Bethenny if she’ll have sex with her, but B isn’t down.
Bethenny: I’m sorry. You’re barking up the wrong vagina.
Bethenny is the first one at dinner again and she’s pissed because she always shows up late to shit and is still somehow the first one there. SAME, B.
Obviously, everyone’s been blacked out for a few days, so there are like, five separate arguments brewing. Dorinda starts yelling at Bethenny and so Bethenny and Tinsley start running around her and it’s just a mess of slurring and dancing. It’s truly beautiful.
Then, in the middle of Tinsley apologizing to Ramona (apparently this is just the episode where everyone’s going to black out and apologize like a bunch of drunk girls in a club bathroom becoming best friends), the women start to hear fireworks and all immediately stop their conversations and run outside to stand under the fireworks and scream. However, during the fireworks, Dorinda is concerned because she cut her hand.
Dorinda: I cut my hand off.
Bethenny: Do not give me a psychoanalysis.
Dorinda: I gave you a psychoanalysis about your life?
Bethenny: I keep getting into fights with these wasted blondes. It’s like, they have all this resentment about my success.
Me:
Is this just like, a giant war between blondes and brunettes? Isn’t that what Gossip Girl was for? Didn’t Serena and Blair teach us that party girl blondes and power-hungry brunettes all have their own great qualities and don’t need to compete with one another? Like, hello, this is 2017! Women don’t need to be competing with one another, they’re supposed to be obsessed with each other and leave the fire emoji on each other’s Instagram posts. Duh.
The next morning, the women are getting ready to go to yoga and Ramona decides to fill Luann in on all the ~dramz~ she missed.
Ramona: I had a great talk with Bethenny last night. We bared our souls (read: tits) to each other. It was good.
Luann: Until you screw it up again. *signature insane Luann laugh*
There’s a lot of awkward tension between Dorinda and Bethenny. Dorinda basically doesn’t think she needs to apologize for last night, because she was too blackout to remember. Instead of an apology, she’s basically like “whatever, I was drunk.” And instead of understanding the fact that sometimes when you drink tequila for multiple days straight, you say things you don’t mean, Bethenny is super pissed.
Sonja’s in a super good mood, which is making her really tired.
Sonja: I’m so exhausted from being happy!
Again, me:
Then Dorinda pulls Bethenny outside to apologize and Bethenny pulls off one of the greatest humble brags of all time. She starts crying and talking about how hard it is to be so successful because she doesn’t want to sound like she’s gloating all of the time. She’s truly a modern day Gretchen Wieners.
Bethenny: I have an emotional hangover. I’m back to being the crier.
I am TOTALLY going to use that line sometime in the very near future.
Everyone is getting massages and relaxing and boating and shit-talking.
Tinsley is on a boat planning a party to say thank you, but also fuck you, to Sonja for letting her live with her for a few months.
Carole says that she’s good at fishing even though she’s not good at very many things. If anyone wants to take a quick back-read through some of my recaps from this season and fish out all of the times Carole bragged about being good at something outdoorsy, but then complained that she’s not outdoorsy the next episode, please be my guest.
Surprise, surprise, Carole didn’t catch a fish so they go grab one from a market to pretend that she did. They even take a picture with the fish to make it look like Carole caught it. Of course, Luann isn’t buying it and assumes the captain caught it or something.
Finally, it’s the last night and everyone’s waiting for someone to fuck it all up.
Bethenny: I think to end this trip, somebody should be killed. It’s weird if we all go home too happy. I need my frenemies back.
Now that’s a woman that has her priorities straight!
For the last night, the women all go out to dinner and Tinsley is the drunkest one this time. It’s basically just more drunk yelling.
Luann: Tinsley, you should stop saying the F word so much because we’re at a restaurant.
Tinsley: Well, you say Palm Beach all of the time and it’s actually West Palm, soo… it’s West Palm, so whatever.
I can’t tell if that’s the best or worst comeback I’ve ever heard.
Anyway, next week is the season finale and I really hope they’re not all too hungover to make it interesting.
In case your Fourth of July bender has caused significant memory loss, I should probably remind you that this week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York City is the second part of a group ski trip to Vermont. This one starts out the way all good Housewives episodes do…with a lot of complaining.
They’re all bitching about the terrible conditions of East Coast skiing, because apparently Aspen is way better. I guess I never realized that the East Coast had bad skiing conditions because I’ve never blacked out in a ski lodge drinking gone skiing anywhere else. Whatever. Anyway, once everyone realizes Ramona has a hot instructor, the topic switches to bitching about Ramona.
Sonja: Fine. Ramona can hot dog down the mountain behind him, but he’s not going to fuck her.
Fair, Sonja.
This week’s episode also continues the mystery of whether or not Carole is truly an outdoorsy girl. It seems to kind of depend on whether or not she’s around her 11-year-old boyfriend Adam, but I’ll try to give her more credit than that because I like where her head’s at this week as she stays in the ski lodge to drink with Dorinda.
Carole: I didn’t come to ski. I didn’t even bring ski pants. I prefer going to the ski lodge with my girlfriend and gossiping about my friends who are on the mountain.
But yeah, being on the mountain looks about exactly as much fun as you’d expect hitting the slopes with Ramona and Luann would be. Luann won’t stop talking about the fact that her life is “transitioning” now that she’s married. Honestly, I don’t think that word’s gotten this much airtime since the I Am Cait series.
Obvi, Bethenny is snowboarding instead of skiing because she’s like, way cooler than the other housewives. She has a Skinny Girl branded snowboard, which Luann takes a break from talking about her transitioning life to mention. Then, we get a nice little montage of all of the Skinny Girl shit that Bethenny has rolled up in over the years, like her Skinny Girl car. Honestly, if I was that skinny and made all of my money from betches who buy alcohol that I created because they want to be as skinny as me, I’d remind everyone of it constantly, too.
Back at the ski lodge, Dorinda and Carole are boozing it up when they see that news of Bethenny’s insane ex-husband, Jason, has been published on Page Six. Basically, he’s been charged with harassment and stalking because he is the absolute worst.
Ramona interrupts their gossip sesh by dragging her helpless, hot ski instructor into the ski lodge to pretty much be her slave. She introduces him as her “new very good friend,” because she is literally the creepiest chick ever and is trying to make it seem like he’s following her around all day for any reason besides the fact that she’s paying him. Honestly, at the rate Ramona inappropriately preys on younger victims, she’s right on track to be the next President of the United States.
Dorinda continues her reign as my favorite housewife as she tries to figure out why guys don’t hit on her all of the time, but Ramona always seems to be surrounded. She decides it’s because Ramona is a “coke head-y flirter,” which is good news for Dorinda, who was always afraid that she was too ugly to get hit on. That’s like, low-key devastating to hear, but we’ve all had the “OMG am I ugly?” scare at least once.
Anyway, while Ramona is acting creepy and rubbing her bare feet all over the ski lodge, Bethenny starts silently freaking out because she’s getting Google alerts about her personal life. You gotta give this girl credit for being able to hold herself together so well in front of the cameras. Like, if someone abruptly ends a text message to me in a period I have to interrupt everyone’s conversation to have a mini meltdown and figure out what that could mean.
Speaking of people handling things well…or not, Tinsley is mixing antidepressants with Tito’s vodka, which Carole tried to tell her is a terrible idea. We haven’t had a housewife release music out of pure boredom in a few years, so maybe it’s time for Tins to come out with a rap song about pills and Tito’s. IDK, just an idea.
The housewives return to the Lincoln Logs mansion that Bethenny rented, and Ramona has somehow convinced a bunch of random restaurant dudes to come cook for the crew.
Bethenny: Ramona is the HBIC. The head bitch in charge.
Like, one, thank you Bethenny for defining an acronym we are all very familiar with. Also, I’m going to disagree with you there. While she does certainly display some HBIC qualities, she’s definitely not an approved HBIC. Sorry.
Speaking of, Ramona is trying to do Sonja’s hair, because apparently they always need to have “similar hair.” Remember Ramona’s brutal ponytail from a few weeks ago? I can’t believe Sonja’s letting her touch her hair. It looks like shit.
Tinsley starts to talk about one of her passions, which is shopping. She’s like, really good at finding deals, and typically only spends like $500 to $700 on an item.
Dorinda: It appears that Tinsley is a professional shopper and professional day drinker.
Goals.
Side note: I literally cannot stop looking at Sonja’s fugly hair. It makes me feel better about every single bad hairstyle I’ve ever had in my entire life.
At dinner, all of them get totally hammered and start playing truth or dare. Of course, it starts off absolutely ridiculously and we learn a lot about everyone’s sexual preferences. For example, Dorinda thinks anal is totally unacceptable and it makes Tinsley cry. Two things I never cared to know, ever.
Bethenny then dares Sonja to French kiss one of the chefs and gives some pretty specific instructions.
Bethenny: French kiss one of the chefs. You have to mean it. Put your back into it and your camel toe, as well.
Unfortunately, the chef was so not into it.
Then, as everyone’s measuring dick size with cucumbers, Luann gets annoying. What a surprise!
Luann: I feel lucky right now to be married.
Dorinda: We get it! You’re married! You love Tom! You love Palm Beach!!
And then the episode pretty much ends with Bethenny telling everyone to lay off Luann for being an annoying newlywed asshole, but also for Luann to stop being such an asshole, which is as close to a happy ending as any RHONY episode is going to get.
This episode of Real Housewives of New York City really caught me off guard because normally, I don’t pay attention to the first five minutes of the show. (And I literally get paid to watch it… I don’t know how the hell you guys do it willingly.) The producers love to leave all the good shit until the end and like, the beginning is usually just everyone having lunch with someone irrelevant. But this time, they packed the big Ramona and Bethenny Berkshires fight they’ve been leading up to for weeks into the first scene.
Ramona has like, way too much Pinot and basically personally victimizes Bethenny. B always talks about how she totally blacks out during fights and doesn’t remember what was said, and I feel like this one was so ridiculous that even I blacked out by association just by watching it. I even rewatched this little scuffle and still don’t even know who started it or who “won,” but because Ramona is a level five nutcase and Bethenny is the quintessential betch, I’m going to give the skinnyweight championship belt to her.
Ramona tells Bethenny that she’s only successful because she had sex in a waterbed and “fucked her way to the top.” She literally keeps bringing up the fact that Bethenny has had sex in a waterbed. Like, come on Singer. You’re rich enough that if you’re jealous that one of your friends had sex in a waterbed before you did, you can just buy your own waterbed and get TF over it.
Obviously, Bethenny just like, sits and takes all of Ramona’s shit for what it is…crazy ramblings from a drunk person.
Bethenny: Fuck my way to the top? I can barely fuck my way to the middle. Someone fuck me to ground level!
Anyway, Ramona tells everyone that Bethenny pretty much attacked her. Bethenny then grabs her trusty cat lady sidekick, Carole, and heads back to SoHo.
The next morning, Dorinda says that she thought Sonja died and I’ve literally never seen Tinsley’s face light up brighter. So, that pretty much sums up how those roommates feel about one another. Tinsley was sick so she took a bunch of medicine. (This would be a great place for me to start a drug addiction rumor but I’m going to rise above it.) Good thing she’s on a reality show and people like me write recaps that she can check out later.
Ramona has a pretty bad case of the Sunday Scaries, which I have to sympathize with even though I’m not on her side of this rivalry.
Ramona: I don’t even remember what I said, but I know it was vicious.
^Me to every Uber driver who gives me less than a 5 star rating
Luann shows up wearing a “future Mrs.” rhinestone tank top as if she’s on a trashy bachelorette trip in Vegas or something. Okay.
Tinsley and Sonja are still arguing about their dumb roommate situation and I’m so bored with it. Tinsley feels uncomfortable living with Sonja. You can’t really blame her for that, but like, either move out or shut up. Anyway, Sonja hits her with the golden betch apology that I’m sure you’ve all had mastered since an early age.
Sonja: Okay, well I’m sorry you feel that way.
Side note—why is everyone always talking about how Tinsley was raised? Like, is she a toddler or 40-something? Just wondering.
Ramona basically trashed the room she stayed at in Dorinda’s and Dorinda is rightfully super pissed. I have no idea how the paint came off the walls just from a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Unless you’re a frat dude, you shouldn’t be wrecking shit when you drink.
Finally everyone heads back to civilization and Tinsley checks out a sick apartment in Carole’s building. Carole thinks Tins should move out of the Upper East Side to reinvent herself and that sounds like a super good idea to any reasonable human, besides Tinsley.
Tinsley: How am I going to get my blowout?
Then, we get more shit about Tom and Luann’s wedding. I’m basically snoring at this point. I’m so over hearing about it. BTW, Jill’s back, and for those of you who are new, she’s a master schemer on the Upper East Side who held an anti-bullying event and bullied someone there…aka she is Blair Waldorf.
Obviously, the conversation goes to whether or not Tom is a shady douchebag. Honestly, the White House should hire Tom because he is super good at giving shitty coverups to shady situations without flinching. Of course he’s just like “I have a lot of single female friends.” I bet you do, Tom.
Everyone goes to an art show and all of the paintings are of Carole’s boobs. I def just thought she was a crazy cat lady so that’s actually kind of cool of her.
Dorinda mentions the fact that Ramona trashed the room and Ramona’s like, “Ummm, so anyway, me and Bethenny…”
Dorinda: If I was really a bitch, I would sue her.
I wish she would.
Everyone’s still trying to figure out what happened between Bethenny and Ramona because they all conveniently missed the showdown.
Bethenny: I’ve never seen such a jealous woman as I did that night.
*pans to Ramona*
Ramona: Bethenny looks like Cruella. Cruel-la!!
I’m sure it’s probably going to unfold and explode in the coming episodes because the preview for the rest of the season looked actually unreal.
