The ladies of The Real Housewives are the gifts that keep on giving. I love the franchise because it’s a space where women are not only allowed, but encouraged, to be unabashedly themselves. Many are quick to dismiss the show as frivolous and superficial, but for me and my fellow Bravoholics it’s a fascinating sociological study on what it means to be a woman in today’s world. This inevitably gives us a glimpse into the men our gals choose, and more often than not, the results are pure, unadulterated trash not pretty. Because I’m a glutton for punishment, I ventured into the deepest, darkest depths of House Husband Hell and compiled a list of the most garbage men to grace our screens over the years.
9. Bill Aydin
Bill is a relatively new addition to The Real Housewives of New Jersey, but he immediately made an impression with his condescending attitude towards his wife, Jennifer, and insistence that she stay at home with their children at all times. Jennifer memorably had to ask Bill for permission to go on a “girls’ trip” (in other words, do her job), a request that displeased her controlling traditional husband. This should end well.
8. Brooks Ayers
While not technically a husband (despite Vicki’s numerous attempts to make him fill her love tank), Brooks may as well have been one with the amount of screen time he took up during his tenure on The Real Housewives of Orange County. He immediately pinged fans’ creep radars when Vicki’s daughter Briana recounted that he sexually harassed her while she was pregnant. Brooks really cemented his status as the Dirty John of Bravo when it came out in season 10 that he perpetrated a cancer scam that Vicki was definitely *not* in on. Just thinking about him makes me want to take several showers.
7. Michael Darby
Ashley’s marriage to Michael was shaky even in the earlier seasons of The Real Housewives of Potomac, with the two arguing over their fledgling restaurant and having children together, culminating in a separation just two years ago. Unfortunately, Michael is looking even worse this season with allegations that he sexually assaulted a cameraman on the show. Despite the charges being dropped, more allegations persist. And now he and Ashley have a baby together, which won’t complicate things at all.
6. Jim Edmonds
This marriage always seemed suspect to me, not only because it was lucky number three for Jimbo, but also because he appeared completely and utterly checked out in every interaction with his wife. His abandonment of Meghan during her painful IVF treatments was particularly damning. Just when it seemed he couldn’t be more awful, news broke earlier this year about Jim’s involvement in a nude text message scandal in which, among other things, he was sexting a woman while Meghan was about to give birth to their twins. Inexplicably, they are still together.
My advice to Meghan:
5. Shane Simpson
There’s no way around it: Shane sucks. This human embodiment of the word “twerp,” as he was brilliantly called by castmate and certified genius Kelly Dodd, has been a walking wet blanket since his debut last season on The Real Housewives of Orange County. He threw Gina out of his home last season for being too loud during a party and proceeded to handle the aftermath with the same grace as a whiny toddler who’s been denied his binky. Shane has done nothing to redeem himself this season and can’t be bothered to hide his disdain snark in every scene with Emily, even going so far as to leave his family at home to escape to a hotel under the guise of “studying for the bar” (which he failed, btw). Instead of being grateful to his wife for singlehandedly taking care of their children and throwing a party for his parents in his absence, he snaps at her for disturbing him. Emily can do so much better.
4. Jason Hoppy
This is where the list really starts getting dark. Like many serial killers eligible men, Jason initially seemed like the dream guy Bethenny had been searching for her entire life. He supported her dreams and together they started the family she always wanted. For a while, it looked like Bethenny really did have it all. But cracks started to show in her spin-off Bethenny Ever After and it quickly became clear that Jason had a dark side he’d been hiding from the viewers. Once Bethenny filed for divorce, Jason fully unleashed his crazy by refusing to leave their apartment, threatening her, and bad-mouthing her to their daughter. Yikes.
3. David Beador
Seeing old footage of David Beador and his White Walker eyes still sends a chill down my spine. Shannon was completely humiliated when she revealed during season 10 of The Real Housewives of Orange County that David had a long-term affair. Though the pair did try to work through their problems, David’s attempts to reconcile always seemed forced and inauthentic. During season 11, Vicki alleged that David was physically abusive towards Shannon during their marriage. Though both David and Shannon denied any physical abuse, David was arrested for domestic battery years earlier. The stress of the allegations led Shannon to gain 40 pounds, and instead of supporting his wife during this difficult time, David began aggressively working out as if to mock her and would eat in front of her in a way that can only be described as hostile. Thankfully, Shannon divorced him.
2. Jim Marchese
Until I began preparing this list, I had somehow forgotten that this O.T. (Original Twerp) ever existed. Jim was hated by just about every cast member during his mercifully short run on The Real Housewives of New Jersey for getting in the women’s faces repeatedly like a rabid dog on crack and saying unspeakable things about his castmates. Jim has continued to reach new lows after his stint on the show. He revealed during his appearance with Amber on Marriage Bootcamp that he blamed her for getting cancer, was arrested shortly thereafter for felony domestic violence against Amber and, most recently, has been accused by his own son of refusing to continue paying his college tuition because he is gay. What a mensch.
1. Joe Giudice
It admittedly doesn’t get much worse than Jim Marchese, but Juicy Joe still reigns supreme as the worst of the worst husbands. The repeated rumors of infidelity were bad enough. Who could forget that uncomfortable scene where he was caught on camera talking to his mistress one of his workers and referring to Teresa as “my bitch wife” and a “c*nt”? But Joe cemented his status on this list by committing fraud and implicating Teresa, causing her to serve time in prison and miss out on valuable time with her mother, who died less than two years after her release. It’s unforgivable, but it does look like karma is coming for Joe and he’s probably getting deported.
Of course, this isn’t a complete list because choosing among the toxic men on these shows is an embarrassment of riches. There were many more I wanted to include (looking at you, Jim Bellino, Kelsey Grammer, Slade Smiley, Paul “Peekay” Kemsley and Simon Barney), but I can’t afford to quit my day job. Sound off in the comments with your worst House Husbands!
Images: Getty Images (7); Shutterstock (2); NBCU; Bravo; Giphy (2)
I’m just gonna come out and say it. This season of Real Housewives of Orange County has blown balls (but not Lydia’s husband’s, though, because he “got them chopped off.” Just ask her or watch like, 4 minutes of an episode). I can’t care anymore about whether or not Vicki and Tamra will make up or whether or not Peggy is going to understand anything anyone is saying or whether or not Lydia is going to pray over someone. I just can’t. The highlight of the season was Shannon not being able to disengage from her Peloton which was hysterical but not exactly what I expect to top the list of moments on Real Housewives. So thankfully, right in time for Thanksgiving I might add, the reunion started last night. I mean, if Andy Cohen asking shady af questions to overdressed women on couches rehashing all the shit they talked about each other doesn’t top your list of things to be grateful for, I don’t know what does. Fuck the mashed potatoes. You have some soul searching to do. And to celebrate the genius that is these reunions, we’re ranking the ‘wives by the one who sucked the most last night to the one that sucked the least. Let’s get to it.
7. Peggy Sulahian
Peggy just sat there. Tbh, I don’t remember her saying a word other than the awkward “Hi, Andy” at the beginning. This is your first (and probs last) reunion, Peggy. Fucking say something.
6. Lydia McLaughlin
Could this girl be more annoying? She’s like the Taylor Swift of Bravo. Constantly being a petty brat and talking shit about people, but always claiming to be the nice girl victim. Fucking vom. From her defending calling Shannon a psychopath because it was “to her face” to her not being able to be around drag queens because there isn’t a verse about them in the Bible (wtf?), it’s gonna be a hard pass on Lydia from me. Also, the whole “game friggin’ on” line she threw at Meghan in an attempt to be a badass was an epic fail.
5. Vicki Gunvalson
Even though she looked like a total asshole all season long, Vicki was able to somewhat redeem herself by actually apologizing to Shannon for telling the world her husband beat her. But like, this is a reunion, not an episode of Barney & Friends. Where tf are the slanderous allegations and inaudible screaming? You’re the OG of the OC. Give the people what they want.
4. Kelly Dodd
I wish there was an award for most improved Housewife, because Kelly Dodd would win. I mean, last season Kelly was good for TV and all, but she was a fucking head case. You can’t call someone a cunt at the dinner table. You just can’t. But all that said, come reunion time I missed old Kelly. I need drama. I need name-calling. I need the outing of secrets we were never supposed to know, but now we know because you’re pissed someone was mean to you on the bus in Ireland. She talked about her divorce, and I’m super pumped to see single Kelly next season, but I just expected more from the resident BSCB housewife.
3. Meghan King Edmonds
Meghan takes a spot in the top three, because she’s the only one who remembered that this is a fucking Bravo reunion and not a time to bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles that everyone can eat and be happy. She came to play. Did she totally start a fight with Lydia about not liking psychics out of nowhere for no reason? She sure did. And guess what? I’m fucking here for it. Because this is the Real Housewives of Orange County. Fucking argue about something insignificant and stop crying.
2. Tamra Judge
First things first. Tamra looks fucking hot. How is she 50? Who is her plastic surgeon? If I exercise, will I look like her in 25 years? Tamra, please DM me the answers to these questions. Thanks. Tamra’s biggest moment of reunion was talking about the state of things with her daughter, which apparently isn’t going so well. It actually made me feel real feelings, which was weird, but I was also finishing my fourth glass of wine at that point so maybe that explains it. Even though her main segment was depressing af she gets a high ranking for a) looking awesome and b) calling Shannon out for being a buzzkill all season long. That’s what real friends do, people.
Also, for the record. This ^ is what reunions are supposed to look like.
1. Shannon Beador
Shannon was clearly the star of last night’s reunion because it’s the first time she publicly spoke about her divorce from David, and most of the women didn’t know, so it was a bombshell. Was it a little teary/sad for my personal taste? Yes. But she did exactly what she needed to do. She took total responsibility for everything bad she did all season but managed to blame it on her crumbling marriage with her shitty fuckboy husband. Now, not only did she get the sympathy of America, she also put herself in a position where none of the women can come for her without looking like total assholes who are picking on the sad fat girl. We played, my friend. She also gets bonus points for losing 25 pounds in time for the reunion. Mazel!
For the past few years, all of us RHOC fans have watched Shannon Beador try literally fucking everything to make it work with her fuckboy of a husband, David. She defended the shit out of him when he cheated on her, went to therapy, renewed her vows. I mean, you fucking name it. Well last week, coincidentally on the exact same day of the reunion taping, she released a statement saying that she and her husband are officially calling it quits, which is v sad, but can I also get a “FUCKING FINALLY” from the crowd? **Waits patiently** Okay cool. I think I heard it.
The problems first started when it came out that David, father of three and husband of one (just for the record), had an affair. And not like, “whoops I was drunk and fell and my penis just landed there” affair. Like, “a full-on relationship that lasted eight months” affair. Fucking asshole. Not that the former is necessarily better or okay, it just requires a lesser level of deception to carry out IMO. And while things got better for a minute, shit appeared to suck again this season and so Shannon is outty. Tbh, I can’t believe she made it this long. If my husband of 15 years cheated on me with some hoe down the street, there’s no way in hell we’re getting to year 17. Fuck that.
In the official statement, Shannon talks about how “heartbreaking” the whole thing is, which is fair I guess. But she also manages to get in an acceptable amount of shade saying, “I felt alone in my marriage. You can do what you can to keep your family together, but you have to have willing parties. You need two people to make a marriage work, and that just wasn’t happening in our relationship.” Aka I tried my best but David continued to be an asshole so now we’re dunzo. Or at least that’s how I took it. Idk.
So far, she’s def winning the breakup. For one, she’s gonna get to talk mega shit on him at the reunion, which I fully expect to elicit a drunken “you go girl” from at least half a million people across the country. Myself included, in case you were wondering. That also means no one can come for her at the reunion without looking like an insensitive asshole. But most importantly, she looks fucking amazing. Shannon gained a shit-ton of weight this season, but based on the picture she posted post-reunion, losing the deadweight of shitty husband has done her hella good. She’s hotter than me and I’m 25, so that’s just fucking great. Maybe I should started dating a fuckboy and then break up with him. Just throwing some ideas out there that don’t involve exercise.