Bethenny Is A Modern Day Gretchen Wieners: ‘Real Housewives of New York’ Recap

So, Real Housewives of New York City is still on a tequila binge in Tequila, Mexico and if you haven’t watched this episode yet, I’d highly recommend it. It will definitely make you feel better about every questionable decision you’ve ever made.

Anyway, the episode starts out with everyone talking about their boobs, which then results in everyone being naked and running around.

Carole: I bare my boobs for art. The rest of the girls bare their boobs for tequila. PS, I have the best boobs of the group. They’re real.

Ramona and Bethenny have a nice moment in the pool.

Ramona: I really like you
Bethenny: I’m a pretty cool person
Ramona: But I feel like you don’t like me
Bethenny: Well, I don’t like you right now

The conversation then turns back to the comments Ramona made about Bethenny being naked in the press and how that must have affected B’s daughter, Brynn. I would just like to note that Bethenny is literally ass naked during this conversation.

On the other side of the pool, Dorinda is trying to get a pants-less Sonja dressed.

Dorinda: It’s literally like trying to put a bikini on a piece of spaghetti.

Anyway, back to Bethenny and Ramona. They’re literally screaming (slurring) and crying in the pool and there are little nude-colored pixel square censors over Bethenny’s boobs. I actually feel like I’m watching two Sims fight right now. The conversation ends with them making up, but we all know they’ll end up picking another fight soon.

Sonja’s still super drunk and asks Bethenny if she’ll have sex with her, but B isn’t down.

That Escalated Quickly

Bethenny: I’m sorry. You’re barking up the wrong vagina.

Bethenny is the first one at dinner again and she’s pissed because she always shows up late to shit and is still somehow the first one there. SAME, B.

Obviously, everyone’s been blacked out for a few days, so there are like, five separate arguments brewing. Dorinda starts yelling at Bethenny and so Bethenny and Tinsley start running around her and it’s just a mess of slurring and dancing. It’s truly beautiful.

Loud Noises

Then, in the middle of Tinsley apologizing to Ramona (apparently this is just the episode where everyone’s going to black out and apologize like a bunch of drunk girls in a club bathroom becoming best friends), the women start to hear fireworks and all immediately stop their conversations and run outside to stand under the fireworks and scream. However, during the fireworks, Dorinda is concerned because she cut her hand.

Dorinda: I cut my hand off.
Bethenny: Do not give me a psychoanalysis.
Dorinda: I gave you a psychoanalysis about your life?
Bethenny: I keep getting into fights with these wasted blondes. It’s like, they have all this resentment about my success.

Me:

Confused

Is this just like, a giant war between blondes and brunettes? Isn’t that what Gossip Girl was for? Didn’t Serena and Blair teach us that party girl blondes and power-hungry brunettes all have their own great qualities and don’t need to compete with one another? Like, hello, this is 2017! Women don’t need to be competing with one another, they’re supposed to be obsessed with each other and leave the fire emoji on each other’s Instagram posts. Duh.

Feminism

The next morning, the women are getting ready to go to yoga and Ramona decides to fill Luann in on all the ~dramz~ she missed.

Ramona: I had a great talk with Bethenny last night. We bared our souls (read: tits) to each other. It was good.
Luann: Until you screw it up again. *signature insane Luann laugh*

There’s a lot of awkward tension between Dorinda and Bethenny. Dorinda basically doesn’t think she needs to apologize for last night, because she was too blackout to remember. Instead of an apology, she’s basically like “whatever, I was drunk.” And instead of understanding the fact that sometimes when you drink tequila for multiple days straight, you say things you don’t mean, Bethenny is super pissed.

Sonja’s in a super good mood, which is making her really tired.

Sonja: I’m so exhausted from being happy!

Again, me:

Confused

 

Then Dorinda pulls Bethenny outside to apologize and Bethenny pulls off one of the greatest humble brags of all time. She starts crying and talking about how hard it is to be so successful because she doesn’t want to sound like she’s gloating all of the time. She’s truly a modern day Gretchen Wieners.

Bethenny: I have an emotional hangover. I’m back to being the crier.

I am TOTALLY going to use that line sometime in the very near future.

Everyone is getting massages and relaxing and boating and shit-talking.

Tinsley is on a boat planning a party to say thank you, but also fuck you, to Sonja for letting her live with her for a few months.

Carole says that she’s good at fishing even though she’s not good at very many things. If anyone wants to take a quick back-read through some of my recaps from this season and fish out all of the times Carole bragged about being good at something outdoorsy, but then complained that she’s not outdoorsy the next episode, please be my guest.

Surprise, surprise, Carole didn’t catch a fish so they go grab one from a market to pretend that she did. They even take a picture with the fish to make it look like Carole caught it. Of course, Luann isn’t buying it and assumes the captain caught it or something.

Finally, it’s the last night and everyone’s waiting for someone to fuck it all up.

Bethenny: I think to end this trip, somebody should be killed. It’s weird if we all go home too happy. I need my frenemies back.

Now that’s a woman that has her priorities straight!

For the last night, the women all go out to dinner and Tinsley is the drunkest one this time. It’s basically just more drunk yelling.

Luann: Tinsley, you should stop saying the F word so much because we’re at a restaurant.
Tinsley: Well, you say Palm Beach all of the time and it’s actually West Palm, soo… it’s West Palm, so whatever.

I can’t tell if that’s the best or worst comeback I’ve ever heard.

Anyway, next week is the season finale and I really hope they’re not all too hungover to make it interesting.

There Is Such Thing As Too Much Tequila: ‘Real Housewives Of New York’ Recap

Remember last week when I said this week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York looked really promising? Well, I was right. (Not like that’s a surprise.) This was actually one of my favorite RHONY episodes ever. There is truly so much to talk about with this episode, but let’s start with the first and most pressing thing which is the fact that Tinsley casually mentions that her first date with the dude Carole wants to hook her up with lasted five days. They went to Miami together. I can’t decide if that’s some stage five clinger shit, or the greatest power move I’ve ever heard of. This also only works when you’re a celeb with cameras that follow you around everywhere. Anybody else who accepts a ticket to Miami as a first date is on their way to being murdered. That’s just like, a fact.

In other news, Sonja receives an unsolicited dick pic that was meant for someone else. Uh, ew. On top of that, she decided she’s not drinking for the Mexico trip, which was planned as an intentional booze fest. Personally, I’m shocked that she’s capable of being sober after that.

Ramona officially lasted seven minutes into the episode (which is actually less if you count the quick little “last week on RHONY” montage) without trying to weasel her way into the best room on the trip. I’m seriously so over Ramona and Sonja’s weird obsession with needing to stay in the same, best room with a bathtub and an ocean view that’s in close proximity to the kitchen. They’re almost more painful to watch than an episode of Tiny House Hunters.

Bethenny, like the rest of the world, is so over Ramona’s whole room picking charade.

Bethenny: You can’t be a miserable disgusting grabby twat, but yet, she can. Sonja’s just as bad, she’s an accomplice.

Watching Sonja and Ramona pick rooms is my least favorite part of every single housewives trip. Like, if it weren’t for Bethenny talking shit about them and eventually calling them out, I’d probably just save myself a migraine and fast forward through it all.

Bethenny attempts to shut down the whole thing by having everyone choose a number to decide what order the rooms are picked in. Yep, you read that right. Grown ass women have to pick a number out of a hat to pick rooms. I can’t. Tinsley and Luann end up with first and second choice and of course, Ramona and Sonja have tons to say about it because they expect Tinsley to sell her soul to Sonja and hate Luann for being actually married.

To add to the mess, Tinsley gives her first choice spot to Bethenny to thank her for arranging the entire trip and obv, Sonja loses it. As if throwing multiple temper tantrums wasn’t enough, Ramona and Sonja then steal the rooms that Dorinda and Carole chose. I don’t even have any decent commentary for that… it’s just stupid.

This trip is cliquey AF. It’s Tinsley, Dorinda, Luann and Carole against Sonja and Ramona, and then Bethenny is just the queen fucking bee that nobody is allowed to speak to directly. The popular girls are all sitting together gossiping and Ramona and Sonja are sharing an intimate moment by the ocean. Ramona starts rubbing Sonja and telling her about how she’s going to be in her life forever. Ooookay.

Ramona: Let’s live in the moment. I’m in a good place and you’re in a good place.

I really, really thought Ramona was about to propose.

Sonja: I’m trying to focus on what she’s saying but her face is like a pizza pie with no cheese.

Thank you, Sonja (and adult acne) for cutting that tension.

Bethenny shows up 90 minutes late to dinner and is the first one there. Honestly, I need to get myself a friend group like that. It’s unclear why everyone is late, other than the fact that they’ve been slamming tequila all day and Tinsley is having a meltdown. A story about her gets leaked to Page Six about how she is an ungrateful house guest and should give Sonja a gift. Tins assumes that it was Ramona, but due to the fact that Ramona apparently only rips off the press to place nice stories about herself, Bethenny thinks it was Sonja.

Bethenny: Nobody cares. I care that nobody is at dinner.

Everyone’s drunk, but Luann is particularly tanked, which is rare because everyone agrees that she can hold her liquor the best. Anyway, they’re all sitting around the dinner table waiting for Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum to show up. They’re probably like, sponge bathing each other or something, but Luann says they’re doing their makeup.

Bethenny: Putting makeup on Ramona’s face today is like throwing an extra deck chair off the QE2. I mean like, leave it alone, you know what I mean?

BTW, the QE2 is the Queen Elizabeth 2 for those of you who didn’t have the time to Google that. Normally I’d feel stupid about not knowing something, but judging from the confused look on Tinsley’s face, I was not the only one.

Side note: Ramona and Sonja are literally dressed like Paris and Nicole from season two of The Simple Life and honestly, I totally love it.

Luann thanked Bethenny for arranging the trip, which pisses Ramona off because she apparently hates when people are nice to Bethenny.

Bethenny: Ramona could fuck up a wet dream.

I actually screamed at that line. Like, not just type “lol screaming” screamed. I actually laugh-shrieked.

Everyone’s fucked up just yelling at each other. I love it.

Turnt up Tinsley brings up the Page Six drama and Ramona just continues being a human tornado and tearing through every social situation like a natural disaster. Thankfully, Tins is drunk enough to handle it the way all of us wish everyone would handle Ramona.

Tinsley: SHUT THE FUCK UP RAMONA
Ramona: Tinsley, settle down. You are nearing hysteria.

When did Ramona become the zen master? Her resting state is nearing hysteria, but whatever.

Tinsley is pissed because Sonja called her a bad houseguest, yet she’s running around fighting over rooms being the literal worst houseguest in all of history.

Anyway, I’m kind of loving Tinsley this episode. She starts screaming and crying and putting on a pretty good show. 10/10 meltdown, Tins. Welcome to the franchise.

Then comes the best moment of maybe the entire series, when Luann stands up, says “shake your booty” and IMMEDIATELY FALLS IN A BUSH. This is honestly television gold and is footage that will probably be used for seasons to come. Bravo, Luann.

The episode ends with Luann being a crazy, yet harmless drunk chick, which I’m all for. I’m slightly concerned that someone potentially slipped something into her drink, but we know that she definitely survived the Mexico trip because it was filmed months ago, so we can all laugh at her drunk antics without worry. Amen. 

Is Ramona The HBIC? ‘Real Housewives Of New York’ Recap

In case your Fourth of July bender has caused significant memory loss, I should probably remind you that this week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York City is the second part of a group ski trip to Vermont. This one starts out the way all good Housewives episodes do…with a lot of complaining.

They’re all bitching about the terrible conditions of East Coast skiing, because apparently Aspen is way better. I guess I never realized that the East Coast had bad skiing conditions because I’ve never blacked out in a ski lodge drinking gone skiing anywhere else. Whatever. Anyway, once everyone realizes Ramona has a hot instructor, the topic switches to bitching about Ramona.

Sonja: Fine. Ramona can hot dog down the mountain behind him, but he’s not going to fuck her.

Fair, Sonja.

This week’s episode also continues the mystery of whether or not Carole is truly an outdoorsy girl. It seems to kind of depend on whether or not she’s around her 11-year-old boyfriend Adam, but I’ll try to give her more credit than that because I like where her head’s at this week as she stays in the ski lodge to drink with Dorinda.

Carole: I didn’t come to ski. I didn’t even bring ski pants. I prefer going to the ski lodge with my girlfriend and gossiping about my friends who are on the mountain.

Same

But yeah, being on the mountain looks about exactly as much fun as you’d expect hitting the slopes with Ramona and Luann would be. Luann won’t stop talking about the fact that her life is “transitioning” now that she’s married. Honestly, I don’t think that word’s gotten this much airtime since the I Am Cait series.

Obvi, Bethenny is snowboarding instead of skiing because she’s like, way cooler than the other housewives. She has a Skinny Girl branded snowboard, which Luann takes a break from talking about her transitioning life to mention. Then, we get a nice little montage of all of the Skinny Girl shit that Bethenny has rolled up in over the years, like her Skinny Girl car. Honestly, if I was that skinny and made all of my money from betches who buy alcohol that I created because they want to be as skinny as me, I’d remind everyone of it constantly, too.

Back at the ski lodge, Dorinda and Carole are boozing it up when they see that news of Bethenny’s insane ex-husband, Jason, has been published on Page Six. Basically, he’s been charged with harassment and stalking because he is the absolute worst.

Ramona interrupts their gossip sesh by dragging her helpless, hot ski instructor into the ski lodge to pretty much be her slave. She introduces him as her “new very good friend,” because she is literally the creepiest chick ever and is trying to make it seem like he’s following her around all day for any reason besides the fact that she’s paying him. Honestly, at the rate Ramona inappropriately preys on younger victims, she’s right on track to be the next President of the United States.

Dorinda continues her reign as my favorite housewife as she tries to figure out why guys don’t hit on her all of the time, but Ramona always seems to be surrounded. She decides it’s because Ramona is a “coke head-y flirter,” which is good news for Dorinda, who was always afraid that she was too ugly to get hit on. That’s like, low-key devastating to hear, but we’ve all had the “OMG am I ugly?” scare at least once.

Anyway, while Ramona is acting creepy and rubbing her bare feet all over the ski lodge, Bethenny starts silently freaking out because she’s getting Google alerts about her personal life. You gotta give this girl credit for being able to hold herself together so well in front of the cameras. Like, if someone abruptly ends a text message to me in a period I have to interrupt everyone’s conversation to have a mini meltdown and figure out what that could mean.

Speaking of people handling things well…or not, Tinsley is mixing antidepressants with Tito’s vodka, which Carole tried to tell her is a terrible idea. We haven’t had a housewife release music out of pure boredom in a few years, so maybe it’s time for Tins to come out with a rap song about pills and Tito’s. IDK, just an idea.

The housewives return to the Lincoln Logs mansion that Bethenny rented, and Ramona has somehow convinced a bunch of random restaurant dudes to come cook for the crew.

Bethenny: Ramona is the HBIC. The head bitch in charge.

Like, one, thank you Bethenny for defining an acronym we are all very familiar with. Also, I’m going to disagree with you there. While she does certainly display some HBIC qualities, she’s definitely not an approved HBIC. Sorry.

Speaking of, Ramona is trying to do Sonja’s hair, because apparently they always need to have “similar hair.” Remember Ramona’s brutal ponytail from a few weeks ago? I can’t believe Sonja’s letting her touch her hair. It looks like shit.

Tinsley starts to talk about one of her passions, which is shopping. She’s like, really good at finding deals, and typically only spends like $500 to $700 on an item.

Dorinda: It appears that Tinsley is a professional shopper and professional day drinker.

Goals.

Side note: I literally cannot stop looking at Sonja’s fugly hair. It makes me feel better about every single bad hairstyle I’ve ever had in my entire life.

At dinner, all of them get totally hammered and start playing truth or dare. Of course, it starts off absolutely ridiculously and we learn a lot about everyone’s sexual preferences. For example, Dorinda thinks anal is totally unacceptable and it makes Tinsley cry. Two things I never cared to know, ever.

Bethenny then dares Sonja to French kiss one of the chefs and gives some pretty specific instructions.

Bethenny: French kiss one of the chefs. You have to mean it. Put your back into it and your camel toe, as well.

Unfortunately, the chef was so not into it.

Then, as everyone’s measuring dick size with cucumbers, Luann gets annoying. What a surprise!

Luann: I feel lucky right now to be married.

 

Dorinda: We get it! You’re married! You love Tom! You love Palm Beach!!

And then the episode pretty much ends with Bethenny telling everyone to lay off Luann for being an annoying newlywed asshole, but also for Luann to stop being such an asshole, which is as close to a happy ending as any RHONY episode is going to get.