If you were a child in 90s, hell if you were ever a child at all, you were fucking obsessed with Disney princesses. They’re beautiful. They’re rich. They’re in love. Some of them are kinda smart. Everything young betches dream of growing up to be. But that was like, 20 years ago. What tf are all these princesses doing now? If I had to guess, they’re probs drunk fighting at a charity auction or dinner party, a lot like the Real Housewives. I feel like Snow White would be a total lush these days.
Instead of you spending hours trying to decipher which princess grew up to be which wife, we’ve done it for you. They even have their own taglines. You’re welcome.
Cinderella aka Nene Leakes
Why: While Cinderella was at her stepmom’s house doing a shit ton of chores, Nene was on the pole, stripping for a dollar. Sure, it started out a little rough but look at them now. Nene’s starred in a handful of TV and Broadway shows, and Cinderella is hands down the most famous of all the princesses. Started from the bottom, now we’re here.
Tagline: Whoever said diamonds were a girl’s best friend never owned a pair of glass Louboutins.
Snow White aka Erika Jayne
Why: A lot like Erika Jayne, Snow White doesn’t go anywhere without her squad. The dwarves may spend their days mining and tidying the house, but by night, they’re a full-on glam team that helps keep Snow looking fierce. If Erika Jayne will fly her posse of stylists and makeup artists to Dubai for a girls trip, you can bet Snow, an heiress to the thrown for Christ’s sake, would do the same.
Tagline: I’ll eat apples, but I prefer Champagne.
Belle aka Heather Dubrow
Why: Heather’s castmates constantly make fun of her for being “fancy pants,” which in OC terms means you have class. Belle goes through the same thing in her hometown, where all the locals think she’s a fucking weirdo because she likes books and wants to build The Belle Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. Both Belle and Heather are also fans of diamonds in the rough when it comes to men. Belle’s bf was a hairy beast when they first met, but after a few weeks with Belle, he turned into a really hot prince. Terry Dubrow, on the other hand, was probs a total nerd, but now he’s like, the world’s richest plastic surgeon. And Belle and Heather look exactly alike. This one was easy af.
Tagline: They say behind every good man there’s a great woman. Behind a great man there’s me.
Jasmine aka Lisa Vanderpump
Why: Out of all the princesses Jasmine seems the richest. Probs because she’s a Middle Eastern princess and that oil money is no fucking joke. Why does this make her like Lisa Vanderpump? Because LVP has more money than God and Donald Trump combined, that’s why. Jasmine also has a pet tiger, and with all of Lisa’s swans and miniature horses and shit, it’s only a matter of time before a deadly, endangered cat is added to the mix.
Tagline: Pet tigers and magic carpet rides might seem extravagant, but that’s just me living my truth.
Ariel aka Tamra Judge
Why: In the past couple seasons, Tamra has gotten annoying AF about health and exercise. She opened a gym, won’t shut up about working out and even competes in fitness contests. Lol, k. While Ariel hasn’t hit the competition circuit quite yet, she does insist on wearing a bathing suit all fucking day to show off her perfect bod. She’s the princess you don’t wanna eat pizza around.
Tagline: If you think my life is easy, try swimming a mile in my shell bikini.
Pocahontas aka Bethenny Frankel
Why: Both Pocahontas and Bethenny are boss-ass bitches who know how to get what they want. If Bethenny thinks you’re being a hoe and wants to let you know about it in the Berkshires, she’ll do it. If Pocahontas wants to hook up with a English dude even though his friends are trying to kill her family and her dad said not to, she’ll do it. Plus, they both have huge boobs for how skinny they are. Lucky betches.
Tagline: Paint me in whatever light you want. I’ll just keep painting with all the colors of the wind.
Aurora aka Melissa Gorga
Why: This season, Melissa decided she wanted to open a clothing boutique despite the fact that she has no design and/or business experience whatsoever. #HousewivesProbs. Aurora tried to do the same thing once but ended up pricking her finger on a spindle because she didn’t know how to use it. She was so embarrassed, she blamed the whole thing on Maleficent and played the damsel card so her fuckboy would finally commit. Speaking of fuckboys. Sounds a lot like Melissa’s husband, Joe.
Tagline: I used to sleep through life. Now I’m living the dream.
Mulan aka Teresa Giudice
Why: Back in the day, it was illegal for women in China to fight for their country. Seems archaic and stupid, but it was the law. A law Mulan broke and got caught for. Same shit happened to Teresa. The big difference is Mulan ended up getting pardoned because she saved the entire country from Shan Yu and the Huns, while Teresa ended up doing hard time. Either way, they both brought dishonor to the family.
Tagline: If an avalanche can’t take me down, what makes you think you can?
Rapunzel aka Kyle Richards
Why: The hair. There is no other reason because no other reason is needed.
Tagline: If you’re jealous of my castle, just wait till you see my hair.
Tiana aka Kandi Burruss
Why: In a world of housewives who think they have vocal talent, Kandi is actually a really amazing singer and songwriter. All the princesses are pretty good. It’s part of the job. But Tiana wipes the floor with all of them when it comes to carrying a tune. Sorry, Cinderella. Kandi and Tiana also seem to be in semi-healthy relationships. Unlike some of her fellow princesses, Tiana took the time to get to know and fall in love with Naveen before, ya know, committing her whole fucking life to him. Kandi and her bae, Todd, seem pretty normal by Bravo standards.
Tagline: I was a girl then I was a frog and now I’m a princess. What I’ll be next is anybody’s guess.
Elsa aka Carole Radziwill
Why: We call them all Disney princesses, but that’s not 100% true because Elsa isn’t a princess. She’s a fucking snow queen. Carole can relate because she’s not just rich and successful like her fellow wives. Her late husband was a Polish prince and nephew to JFK and Jackie, so like, kind of a BFD. Carole is the closest thing to monarchy New York has (sorry, Anna Wintour. You’re not royalty) and Manhattan is cold af.
Tagline: Some people will tell you I’m a cold-hearted bitch. You should listen.
It’s fun being beautiful and perfect, but greatness also comes at a price. We’re used to people being literally obsessed with us, but Bethenny Frankel’s ex-husband Jason Hoppy (who’s not a cartoon bunny) is taking the whole clingy ex thing to a whole new level. He got charged with stalking this week, after new information came out about how much of a psycho he was after his divorce was finalized last summer.
Well, he actually got charged with more stalking (what a guy), adding two counts to three existing ones that he’s still facing. Now he’s in trouble for sending Bethenny more than 160 creepy-ass texts and emails since the divorce was made official, and also screaming “I will destroy you” when Bethenny was dropping their 6-year-old daughter off at school. Yeah, you read that right, he texted her 160 times. That’s obviously batshit crazy, but it does make us feel a little better about double texting the guy we’re hooking up with when he doesn’t respond.
Unsurprisingly, Bethenny repeatedly asked Jason to leave her alone, including in October, right before he sent her this gem of a text:
“We could have a much different relationship but you’re unwilling to shut your mouth about me and my daughter and refuse to cooperate. Ball’s in your court to change it. I’m happy to meet for to discuss. And you know you’re the problem. But if not I will proceed as I see fit.”
What the fuck does all of that mean? “For to discuss”? “The ball’s in your court”? Sorry dude, but maybe you should cut the sports metaphor bullshit and try being, like, 10% normal for a change. Your 6-year-old daughter is really going to love explaining to her friends that daddy is in jail for stalking mommy.
The judge in the case extended Hoppy’s restraining order on Tuesday, and gently reminded him that he’s not allowed to fucking email Bethenny anymore. Sounds cool, now can we get a restraining order against all those emails from ASOS?