Welcome home fam, you’ve arrived. At long last, Taylor Swift’s new album, Reputation, is here, and we have all the details so you can let your group chat know which songs require the most attention. Fasten your seatbelt, we have a lot of shit to talk.
Before I even started listening to the album, I was already annoyed. In a classic move, Taylor decided not to put her album on Spotify and other streaming services for the first week of its release (she clearly needs the money), so I spent $13.99 on iTunes just to get you this review on time. Don’t ever say that the Betches have easy lives.
“…Ready For It?”
We’ve talked about this before. Even if this was the best song ever, I still can’t get the image of that naked Taylor mannequin body shit from the music video out of my mind. This song is a little bit of a banger, but only in the most annoying possible way. It at least makes sense as the first song on the album?
“End Game” (feat. Ed Sheeran & Future)
First of all, “Taylor Swift feat. Ed Sheeran & Future” is one of the most confusing things we’ve ever read. Future looks like he would eat Ed Sheeran for breakfast, but whatever. Taylor shouts (tries to rap?) something about big reputations at the beginning, but tbh she’s very overshadowed here by both Ed and Future. She is clearly the third best rapper on this song. Also shout-out to the MVP worst lyric: “I swear I don’t love the drama, it loves me.” Girl, next.
“I Did Something Bad”
Okay, the title of this song is literally me texting my roommates after every single night out. Taylor thinks narcissists are obsessed with her, but narcissism means…being…obsessed with…yourself? Yeah, she doesn’t know what that word means. The chorus of this one is kind of cool, but we could do without the gunshot noises. Taylor probably doesn’t even support gun control, ugh.
“Don’t Blame Me”
This one has more of a sensitive, mellow vibe, which lets Taylor open up about all the hearts she’s broken, and it really doesn’t seem like she has any regrets. She says that love makes her crazy, which we can honestly relate to, considering that we make psycho decisions about boys who literally don’t know we exist. We have our shit together, don’t worry.
Taylor says her reputation has never been worse, and she’s not wrong. Glad we’re on the same page, girly! This sounds like it could have been on one of her old albums, except if she was singing through a robot voice machine. Sad!
“Look What You Made Me Do”
Still hate it. No other comments at this time.
“So It Goes…”
I’m pretty sure four of these songs so far have had the exact same chorus? She’s not a bad girl, but she’ll do bad things with you. Oooh, sick burn. Is Taylor one of those adults who still think “doing bad things” is, like, letting a guy feel you up?
If you’ve ever heard of the band CHVRCHES, this is exactly like their music, but worse. These lyrics are very cookie cutter Taylor Swift and we could fall asleep at any minute. The old Taylor is certainly not dead.
“It was the best of times, the worse of crimes.” Sometimes her lyrics make me want to throw my computer out the window. This song sounds exactly the same as the rest of the album so far. Have I said that I’m bored, because I’m fucking bored. Also, why is she singing about being at a motel bar? I refuse to believe Taylor Swift has been to a motel in the last decade.
“King of My Heart”
This sounded exactly the same as the rest of the album, but then Taylor started rapping, so it got worse. But then the chorus sounds the same again? There are some cool drums happening for a minute, but seriously she is out of ideas and it’s a little sad. And no, Taylor, you’re not my American queen, whatever that means.
“Dancing With Our Hands Tied”
I really don’t hate this one, mainly because it actually sounds different from the rest of the album. It’s pretty catchy and there’s no rapping, thank God. There’s a reference to an invisible locket that’s a little middle school for my taste, but really I’ll take what I can get from Ms. Swift.
Sweater! Scarf! Sock! See, I can do it too. OMG, there are lyrics about being drunk and taking a dress off and is Taylor…a badass?!?!? Nah, just a 27-year-old white woman doing normal shit and expecting a medal. *pours another glass of wine*
“This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things”
Okay for real, this bitch is so extra with her song titles. I hate this one a lot. She says something about “feelin’ so Gatsby,” and then the chorus sounds like someone put a basic hip-hop beat under a children’s song. There’s more angsty speak-singing, which is definitely my least favorite thing about this album.
“Call It What You Want”
I’ll call it a lame, misguided attempt at a career reinvention, thanks! Taylor says she brought a knife to a gun fight, which is funny considering I’m positive Taylor has been invited to 0 (zero!) gun fights ever. This is not one of the worst songs on the album, but I’m still bored.
“New Year’s Day”
Last song!!! This one is actually kind of nice, just a piano and some convoluted story about some promise she made some dude about holding onto memories. All this shit about memories sounds annoying, but at least there aren’t like, airhorns during the chorus. Remember when Taylor, like, played instruments? Man, those were the days.
So what’s the verdict? The album has a few high points and a lot of low points. Like her shaggy hair, it could use a trim and some additional styling, but there will always be the next album. Or, maybe she’ll quit music and just be an annoying cat lady full-time. We wouldn’t complain. And if you see me singing this shit at the club, don’t @ me.
There were two types of people on Thursday night: the ones who were getting blackout in costumes for Halloweekend, and everyone who stayed in with their cats to watch Taylor Swift’s “…Ready For It?” video drop. If you’re on this site I’m assuming you were part of the former camp, so I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a scene-by-scene breakdown of the “…Ready For It?” video so you can save the 3 minutes and 30 seconds of your life. You are so welcome.
Lights up. The atmosphere is grungy and intense. We’re in like, a warehouse or something, and some graffiti artist Joseph Kahn found hanging out on Canal Street has spray-painted TAYLOR SWIFT on the wall in huge red letters. We’re in for a treat.
Our first glimpse of Taylor is in closeup, where that she has some cyborg shit happening in her eyes and, more interestingly, she’s wearing an absolute fuckton of mascara on her bottom lashes. Stay tuned for like, 15 minutes from now when every pseudo-positive women’s website is calling it the new #look. Okay, now we’ve backed up a little bit and she’s wearing a black cloak like some sort of emo Little Red Riding Hood. Ugh, she took our Halloween costume idea!
The next 30 seconds are basically just her doing her best model walk down some gross hallway with a bunch of robots looking at her. What the fuck is happening here? Okay, she put in some secret numbers on a keypad, and now we’re in…another room that looks exactly the same. Except this one has naked cyborg Taylor in a glass box, and the two Taylors come face-to-face. MIND = BLOWN!!! No really, we have no idea what is supposed to be happening, and now there’s a tentacle crawling across Taylor’s face. Straight out of every one of my recent nightmares.
Okay, now naked cyborg Taylor’s skin is transforming into some sort of dominatrix outfit, but we’re more concerned with the fact that someone let her leave the house with soaking wet hair. Like, girl, we know you can afford a blowdryer! You’ll catch a cold!
Okay now naked cyborg Taylor’s skin is a milky white color (aka my skin tone in one month’s time), and she’s sitting on a horse. This is probably some reference to “Wildest Dreams” or some shit, but I don’t even want to go there because I’m sure Buzzfeed is all over it rn. After the horse grows some armor and then disappears, naked cyborg Taylor looks at this blue orb thing and then it starts to make her float. Kind of reminiscent of when I finally get a text back after triple-texting, but IDK maybe that’s just me.
The little blue sparks floating around her look like giant sperm. There, we said it.
Naked cyborg Taylor can also create lightning bolts! Someone should really let her know that all the Marvel movies have already been cast, because this feels like an audition tape that no one asked for. Also, naked cyborg Taylor is wearing heels despite being LITERALLY naked, because women just have to do it all.
Okay, the glass shatters and original Taylor like, disintegrates into dust or something, which we’re pretty happy about, she was getting annoying. But unfortunately, this allows naked cyborg Taylor to reach her full potential, aka she spends the last few seconds of the video just sort of walking around and looking smug. Sounds like the old Taylor we know and love (to hate).
^This is the new Kermit/Inner Kermit meme, I’m calling it now.
Well, it’s only 10am, but I’m strongly considering drinking right now. Thanks Taylor, you make me a better person!
Images: Taylor Swift / Youtube (5)
Remember last week, when we talked about how Taylor Swift had been prancing around London shooting a music video and generally being the worst? Scratch that. Well, not completely, but file it away somewhere for now, because Taylor’s next music video is actually going to be much, much
worse different than we expected.
Taylor teased a few seconds of the “…Ready For It?” video on Instagram, and our minds are melting. The girl has gone wild. The preview is only a few brief shots, but there’s already so much to
talk shit about discuss.
First of all, we see her name in some Transformers type font with lightning bolts going across it. It’s basically what a sixth grade boy would design for himself if he knew how to do animation, so it’s a major vibe for Taylor.
The actual shots of the video are giving strong sci-fi dystopian imagery, which I guess is the logical next move for her career. We briefly see her as some sort of naked cyborg, which is honestly a very big deal because up until this point, Taylor has made (what I assume to be) a conscious decision to never show herself naked. And when Kanye infamously portrayed her naked figure in the “Famous” music video, Taylor lost her shit. So this decision is actually, dare I say, huge. Does it mean Taylor has finally said “fuck it” and embraced the new Taylor (whoever she is)? I guess we’ll have to wait to find out.
A lot of people are comparing this video clip to Scarlett Johansson in the movie Ghost in the Shell, which would be cool except that movie bombed at the box office and got tons of criticism for white-washing the main character. Good thing Taylor is super exotic looking and definitely not white!!
We also get little glimpses of Taylor in a cape with a hood, as well as controlling lightning with her fingertip like she’s about to introduce a Disney Channel Original Movie. Basically, Taylor is going for some high-concept shit with this video, and we’re very curious to see how this turns out. Can’t wait for Thursday!