Here’s How Politicians Would Spend Their Quarantines

Hey girl, wanna quarantine & chill? Welp, hope so, because you don’t have much choice. Trump has urged Americans to limit gatherings to 10 people or less. Quarantining ourselves will help keep COVID-19 from spreading, and it’s especially important for young people to take on this responsibility, as we are often carriers who can spread the virus unknowingly to elders or people with other health conditions, who are more likely to experience serious effects from the disease.

While some of us are working from home, and many of us are stuck without work or paid time off (send love and cash to any service workers/independent contractors you can!), most politicians are still out in these streets. I guess they have a duty to fulfill in these dark times…let’s see if they can rise to the occasion.

But since we’re home, we’ve decided to spend some time coming up with how some of our most beloved and most despised politicians would spend their quarantine & chill time. Let the games begin!

Bernie Sanders

Bernie is going to take this time to get set up on the Youtube so he can continue making videos once again asking for us for our financial support. His wife, Jane, will be his videographer, and they will go widely unseen since Bernie doesn’t realize it’s all about the TikTok at this point. He will ignore Hulu’s repeated recommendation that he stream “Hillary.”

Bernie will also, of course, take this time to really lean into his bedhead and socially distance himself from any type of hairbrush or comb. Jane supports him in this journey because their love is pure.

Elizabeth Warren

Liz will be damned if this quarantine stops her from being productive. She’s color-coding her closet, reorganizing the food pantry, doing her friend’s taxes, and making spreadsheets simply for the fun of it.

If she, her husband, and Bailey want to watch a movie? You bet your sweet ass Liz has made a PowerPoint presentation breaking down which options are best and why.

Liz will, of course, continue coming up with bulletproof political plans that will go underappreciated by the American public.

Mike Pence

Things are finally as God intended: Pence is at home with Mother, away from any other nasty woman’s presence.

Here, Mother can provide Pence with the 8 glasses of warm, whole milk he requires per day, while she reads him the Hyde Amendment (the legislative provision barring the use of federal funds to pay for abortion) out loud to soothe him. All is well.

Mitch McConnell

Mitch McConnell will treat social distancing the same way he treats his time on Capitol hill: by ignoring the many bills currently on his desk that could literally save lives. He and his wife, Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao, will further map their path to corrupt the federal entire government until McConnell is exposed to the virus, after which he will retreat back into his shell to self-quarantine for 14 days.

Joe Biden

Tbh who fucking knows, but I can confidently predict he would go on live TV and say something like, “I spent my quarantine time like I did every Christmas as a kid: riding my tractor down to the graveyard to have chicken fights with Ol’ Man Popsicle Stick, who, have you me, under many things, as they say, would not, on account of, you know, the thing.”


No amount of social distancing can stop this content queen from setting Twitter ablaze with her hot takes. Anyone with a bad take is getting retweeted WITH comment and dragged to clap back hell.

No internet troll is safe. No conservative commentator can hide. She’s coming for you.

Susan Collins

Hopefully sitting in a corner and thinking about what she’s done. And then regretting it.

That’s all I’ll say on that.

Brett Kavanaugh

Speaking of Susan Collins…

You just KNOW Brett is the guy who is going out to crowded bars and getting blackout, even after we’ve been told to socially distance ourselves.

Nothing can stop him from going out with his boys Tobin, Squi, and P.J.!!! Time to chug some beers and FSU because this is AMERICA and no one can tell him no (and if they do it will not compute).


A GoFundMe has been put together to provide RBG with a glass box, a la the one Joe locks his victims in in You, but obviously less creepy and fully equipped with everything Ruth needs for her daily workouts.

Food and water will be brought to RBG by a person in a hazmat suit, who will deliver it through a small opening in the box. Again, much like Joe from You, but with the intent to keep this woman tf alive, not to kill her. She is routinely let out so she can be measured for the top-secret, Bloomberg-funded RBG clone that we are definitely not making.

Cory Booker

Cory Booker gets to spend his quarantine time the way we all wish we could spend ours: with Rosario Dawson. The two are finally together without the distractions of his busy political life and her busy celebrity/being a perfect person life.

With this extra free time, Cory will of course continue to pursue his passion of tweeting out bad jokes about coffee. Fuck it, he might just turn it into a passion project and make a coffee table book full of lame coffee jokes. The perfect present for all of our dads.

Maxine Waters

Maxine Walters will be reclaiming her time, tyvm.

Donald Trump

Social distancing as president is what Trump had always thought this job would be like. He’s locking himself in his room, ordering all the McDonald’s fish fillets in the greater D.C. area, stockpiling Diet Coke, and watching Fox News.

Melania is pretending to have COVID-19 as an excuse to not be near him.

At long last, peace, quiet, and a lack of total responsibility. America is finally great again.

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Why RBG Came Out Against the Equal Rights Amendment

Supreme Court Justice and feminist legend Ruth Bader Ginsburg shocked some admirers recently when she suggested that it might be time to stop trying to ratify the Equal Rights Amendment.

RBG has been a long time advocate for the ERA, but she is now saying a better strategy would be to start from scratch.

As a refresher, the ERA would ban discrimination on the basis of sex and guarantee equality for women under the Constitution. How very radical. But because America runs on Dunkin’ misogyny, the ERA has been trying to become federal law since it was first introduced in the 1920s. For everyone who says sexism is over in 2020: we literally still have not been able to pass a law banning discrimination against women, so.

The ERA passed and was submitted to the states in 1972, where it would wait to be ratified by 38 of them to be formally adopted to the U.S. Constitution. A deadline for federal ratification was set for 1979. It was later extended to 1982, but failed to meet that deadline too.

Democrats won over the Virginia’s state government in 2018, and it last month it finally became the 38th state to ratify the amendment. This means the states had finally met the threshold necessary to change the Constitution. However, this comes decades past the deadline, and some states that previously ratified the amendment have rescinded their decisions.

Though last week the House did vote largely along party lines to extend the deadline, whether or not these ratifications are legit is up for debate.

And that’s why RBG thinks it’s time to start over. Ginsburg recently told a crowd at Georgetown University that she would like to see the ERA  have a new beginning, noting that, “there is too much controversy about latecomers,” and that Virginia’s move came “long after the deadline passed.”

She makes some good points, but advocates for the ERA were feeling some positive momentum after the recent ratification in Virginia, so to have an icon and longtime supporter like RBG speak out against it now feels like a bit of a blow to the movement.

Ginsburg does, as expected from a lawyer and Justice who has done more than most to pursue a feminist agenda in the courts, believe an Equal Rights Amendment should become a part of the Constitution. “I would like to show my grandaughters that the equal citizenship stature of men and women is a fundamental human right,” she said. Same, girl.

Here’s to hoping that we as a nation can find a way to make a federal law that ensures equality for women. Would be like, super chill.

And on a somewhat unrelated by positive note we can end on: at the same Georgetown event, RBG joked about how popular she is right now, saying, “I can be getting an award every day of the week.” Okay queen, flex!

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