‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Are You 34 Or 16?

We’re already on episode 6 of the eighth season of Vanderpump Rules, which means we only have about 14 weeks to go. *Pops a Xanax* (don’t worry guys, I am legally prescribed). I don’t know why I do it to myself year after year, but at this point, I’ve committed to a consistent season of Vanderpump Rules longer than I’ve had any relationship in New York. But it’s fine, I’m fine! Maybe I’ll start adding that to my dating app profiles; things can’t go any worse for me at this point.

Anyway, you all know what time it is: Pride time! In past years, SUR Pride has brought us Scheana’s ear-splitting excuse for singing, James’s body-shaming, and lots of back-alley conversations. Can’t wait to see what this year will bring!

The episode opens with Schwartz saying “I have so much laundry debt, I need a counselor.” Normally I wouldn’t even bother making a note about the opening sequences because they’re total throwaways, but I cannot let this go: what is laundry debt? You mean you have laundry to do? Do you like, owe piles of laundry (or money) to a laundry shark who is now holding your clothes hostage? I can’t tell if I hate that phrase or I love it so much I’m going to start using it every week.

While that will go largely unresolved unless Schwartz somehow reads these recaps and decides to clarify, Sandoval comes over, brandishing rainbow bedazzled motorcycle jackets and sneakers for Pride, and I cannot decide if he had these specially made for Pride or just had them lying around. Both possibilities would track equally.

James is the ticking time bomb that everyone fears is going to go off during his DJing stint at TomTom during Pride. (Can’t imagine why, probably because you’re letting an alcoholic DJ on one of the busiest and least supervised days of the year?) Sandoval (and everyone else) has to make it seem like James just has this incredible DJ presence and he has this great energy that makes people buy drinks, and while I respect the art of DJing, James is not exactly the next Tiësto because he throws a couple hip-hop songs together and yells “PUMPTINIIII” into the mic. Really, they all have to pretend like James is a musical prodigy because they can’t just state the obvious, which is that people come to see James because he is on TV and people are thirsty.

Elsewhere at Lisa’s house, Scheana, Raquel, and Danica are over for some reason. What a motley crew. By the way, shouts out to the Bravo editors, who are truly working harder than the devil this season by showing video montages of everyone’s lies and bullsh*t. This time, after Scheana insists that Max is her “best friend”, they show a montage (that probably could have been longer than the Oscars tbh) of Scheana insisting whichever slampiece of the moment was her “best friend.” Immediately after, they show Scheana, edited to make it look like she is talking to herself, spiraling into hysterics trying to insist that she’s not jealous of Dayna. I have no choice but to stan.

Scheana insists in her talking head, “clearly I am not jealous of Dayna,” and I’ve got to wonder how it is supposedly clear to Scheana, because it’s not clear to any of us. In fact, the exact opposite is clear. 

Raquel uses this very moment to bring up the fact that Dayna will be getting her hair done with Raquel’s stylist the next day. Raquel, read the room. Scheana continues to go on and on about how she’s NOT JEALOUS OF DAYNA and everyone else is so over it at this point that they’re openly texting at the table. Same tho. Scheana, if you can’t handle getting a blowout in the same vicinity as this girl, then you DO have a jealousy problem.

Ariana comes over, and Lisa asks her if she’s still feeling depressed. Lisa then opens up about the depression she felt after her brother’s suicide, and it’s overall a great moment for mental health awareness. However. Ariana describes a moment she had where she was driving her car on the freeway and thought to herself “what if I just drove my car off the freeway?” and I feel compelled to point out that those are called intrusive thoughts and are pretty normal. Anyone who’s ever had a flash of thought about punting the baby next to them across the street knows what I’m talking about! Anyway. All in all, though, I’m here for this mental health awareness moment and I will physically fight anyone who calls Ariana negative or a downer. SHE IS DOING HER BEST! WE MUST PROTECT HER AT ALL COSTS. And being open about your struggles doesn’t make you a “downer”. K I’m done.

Okay, so Lala, Stassi, and Brittany are hanging out and basically talking about Pride. I also have to commend Stassi for pointing out that James being hired is ridiculous; they LITERALLY LIVE IN LOS ANGELES, where every random person on the street probably “is a DJ” (has a Soundcloud account) and they don’t need to rely on the human embodiment of Russian Roulette that is James Kennedy. And while that may be true, again, every random DJ on the street is not a cast member on this show who can guarantee hundreds of fans will show up (though I’m sure they’d like to be).

It is at this time that I must confess to you all my conflicted feelings about James. Yes, he says gross things to women. Yes, he seems to be treating Raquel very badly (more on this momentarily). But also, he is f*cking hilarious. Case in point: right after the Fofty/Randall feud heard ‘round the world, he posted a caption on Instagram referencing Fofty’s infamous “money by Monday” threat. Misogynist or not, alcoholic or not, this is plain hilarious, and in a sense I respect that James is the only person who is not going to suck Lala’s metaphorical dick just to ensure he can get rides on Randall’s private jet. Of course, Lala didn’t appreciate this one bit, which is why she and James stopped talking. I’m sorry, but this was national news, not some fringe internet feud. It’s f*cking fair game. If Fifty Cent ever threatened me publicly, I would allow—nay, expect—my friends to make jokes about it until the end of time (and even in the afterlife when we’re all chilling in Hell).

The next morning, Dayna leaves Max’s apartment and has to (gasp) barrel curl her own hair because Scheana took her spot with Raquel’s hairstylist, aka Scheana probably threw a fit and refused to be in the same vicinity as Dayna. I wish I could take credit for this epic burn, but is she 34 or 16?

Over at SUR, they are down a bartender, and Jax is throwing a fit. Good thing this isn’t happening at TomTom, otherwise Sandoval would personally burn the entire place down and ban everyone’s spirits from ever setting foot in the establishment to haunt it. Jax is also refusing to help set up because he says “I don’t do that.” Really, he’s just jealous that he doesn’t get to be on the float and the other waitstaff does, because in Jax Taylor’s world, he is the number one guy in the group and HE should be the one on the float, dammit!

Ariana appreciation post #2 for this being her first Pride as an out bisexual woman. Again, we must protect her at all costs.

And the honorary Oscar for Best Editing once again goes to the producers for so expertly exposing how Jax is completely full of sh*t, claiming he doesn’t find Dayna hot, when in reality, he knows Brittany would pull a Lorena Bobbitt on him if he so much as got caught on camera breathing in her direction with purpose. He claims he doesn’t like blondes, so naturally all the Bravo producers have to do is splice together all the footage of every time Jax dated a blonde. It’s enough times to constitute a pattern. The only missed opportunity is them not reshowing how Jax blatantly hit on Lala when she first emerged on this show, because as much as they like to pretend otherwise, we all know something happened.

Beau somehow manages to show up to Pride looking like a heterosexual Southern dad, and I think there’s something to be said for that. Lala, meanwhile, looks like a Kylie Jenner knockoff with her lip fillers and green wig.

vanderpump rules season 8 episode 6

That lip liner will haunt me in my dreams.

Lala pulls James out from behind the DJ booth, which seems ill-advised, because isn’t he on the clock? She does this so he can apologize (with terrible audio that I can barely hear) for the Fofty caption. I’m actually pretty confused because I thought just last episode Lala forgave James, and basically said they were friends again? I thought we were past this.

James has asked for a “soda water with lime, and a little… you know” and Max returns with what appears to be soda water, and lime, but in a Casamigos cup. To me, the cup is not necessarily indicative of anything sketchy, because it was one of those sh*tty plastic reusable cups that the liquor distributor probably gave the bar for free, but the camera zooms in on the logo to hammer the point home anyway. Was “you know” a code for a little splash of liquor? Some pasta? As James is walking away, Lala accuses him of not having a non-alcoholic drink, and she appears to be on the money because James won’t let her have a sip of it. I’m kind of impressed James had the brain cells/foresight to not openly ask for liquor while he’s mic’d up, but also obviously disappointed that he is drinking again and pretending he’s not.

I will now demote the VPR producers one (1) Oscar for making me listen to Scheana’s terrible music again, even if just through a flashback of Stassi talking about how she wanted to impale herself because of it. Great, now I guess we’re both impaling ourselves.

Raquel apparently missed James’s whole set because she got carried away at Pride, so he does a normal and well-adjusted thing and calls her to curse her out and tell her to f*ck herself. Ah yes, spoken like someone who definitely isn’t in a belligerent drunken rage. 

Hearing Raquel be like “James was totally in the wrong but I don’t want to say anything to him because he’ll explode in anger” is seriously dark. What is with the emotional abuse on this show?? Raquel, blink twice if you need help. The girls will probably like you better if you leave James anyway.

James goes to say hi to Lisa after his set, and you could tell that she’s visibly surprised that he isn’t falling-down drunk at this point. Baby steps, I guess? Hearing James try to get Lisa to be proud of him is very depressing. I’m picking up on some mommy issues here, anyone else?

Raquel is not having a good day, because after getting verbally abused by her boyfriend, she then no-showed for her shift at SUR, so she’s going to get reamed out by Peter (the one person on this show who may actually be doing their job). Peter takes her (and James, who is there for some reason) out back to chew her out for not showing up because the whole restaurant was understaffed. 

No one:
James: 

ight i'mma head out

Peter appreciation post for getting his five minutes of fame, getting to yell at Raquel and tell her she needs to choose between her boyfriend or her job. Love you Peter. Enjoy your time back in the hole Bravo keeps you in! I hope you brought snacks and plenty of entertainment, because by my calculations, you won’t be back until the reunion when Bravo lets you out to serve the cast a tray of drinks.

And now the Bravo producers have lost their other honorary Oscar for making me listen to Sceheana sing “Good As Gold” AGAIN, for real this time, not even in a flashback. It’s like they want me to imaple myself? *Grabs nearest shiv* Fine, I’ll do it!

But for real, how much do we think Scheana bribed everyone in the vicinity for a chance to sing a song nobody wanted to hear?

Coming off the high of her performance, Scheana grabs Dayna outside to talk (and also grabs her inhaler because this might get heated). 

 

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gotta get a hit

A post shared by BRAVO BY BETCHES (@bravobybetches) on

Dayna basically calls Scheana out for being the only person to haze her, and the whole Max thing, and yadda yadda yadda. You’ve all seen it. Dayna asks Scheana if she’s 34 or 16. Bravo. She hit the nail on the head. (Also, the outfits are not helping.)

Dayna calls it like it is and says she feels Scheana is threatened of her. Scheana, in a slightly believable spin (but that still isn’t fooling me), makes this more about Dayna stealing Scheana’s friends instead of her man. Oh, I’m sorry, her “best friend”. 

Lmfao at Scheana’s logic: “this new girl comes in, starts hanging out with my friends, and they all go to her comedy show. What are her intentions?”

Dayna: ….To make friends?

Scheana cannot take the heat and immediately starts breaking down crying. She says something that leads me to believe that she may be undergoing preparation for her egg freezing treatment at this time. If that is the case, I will reluctantly give her a pass, because that sh*t is f*cking brutal. I can barely keep my sh*t together on my placebo birth control days, I couldn’t imagine willingly injecting myself with a f*ckton of hormones and trying to not go on a homicidal rage.

And that’s it for this week! Overall, a kind of boring Vanderpump Rules Pride, I must say. I hope next week they continue where we left off, because I know that James is about one second from flying off the handle, and that is going to be a full-on disaster.

Images: Bravo (2); Nickelodeon, bravobybetches / Instagram

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Reunion Part 1 Recap: Everyone Shut The F*ck Up

It’s not over yet, Pumpheads. Even though the Vanderpump Rules season 7 finale was last week, we’ve still got three—count ’em, THREE—weeks of reunions to get through. I truly can’t wait. It looks like things are going to get completely insane.

The way they are introducing the reunion is very annoying, with cuts of the gang getting ready inter-spliced with soundbites of everyone saying their best zingers. I will not be recapping that, and you all can deal, because we’re just going to view those same soundbites at some point anyway over the next three weeks.

Quick recap of the looks: Stassi looks amazing (but also appears to be wearing the same dress she wore in every talking head, and also the dress Kristen wore to get her mail back from Tom Sandoval post-breakup), Ariana looks equally amazing (but looks like she’s wearing the same dress as last year). I don’t actually hate Scheana’s look. Kristen looks a mess (why would she wear a huge silver choker with a glittery gold/copper dress?). Katie for once actually doesn’t look like a complete mess, keeping it simple with a black dress and a nice berry colored lip. Brittany looks like she is about to go to junior prom, but her hair looks great. Lisa looks like she’s about to go ring lead a circus? Which I suppose she is. So on that note, let’s dive in!

Vanderpump Rules Reunion Part 1

Andy spends 10 minutes doing a round of introductions, thanking James for bringing his cleft chin. This is like Andy’s roast portion of the evening.

Holy sh*t, Kristen is single at the time of the reunion taping and nobody even knew! However, she already appears to be back with Carter, so really this isn’t even worth pursuing as a line of inquiry.

We open with James’s complete fall from grace this season, and the infamous “Jax f*cked Faith” rap. Lisa asks James if he planned the rap, and he says condescendingly, “No Lisa, I didn’t plan the rap. It was a freestyle.” Jax says, “but out of all the things you could have freestyled and rapped, why did you choose that?” as if he had never said anything regretful in the spur of the moment. And that’s not to excuse James, but to point out, once again, that with the exception of probably Sandoval and Ariana, none of the people in this room have a leg to stand on when it comes to calling each other out for bad behavior.

Andy, thank God, does the Lord’s work and says to Jax that his reason for not forgiving James boiled down to, essentially, “how many mistakes is one person gonna make”? And in Andy’s words, “Jax, isn’t that a little rich coming from you?” Jax gives his oft-spoken speech of trying to be a better person and doing better and blah blah blah. Kristen tries to erase history and claim James was never part of the friend group, when James points out that Kristen put James into this group and show in the first place! If anybody out here reading this still likes Kristen—and I’m talking about current Kristen, not Crazy Kristen of days of yore—you’re not going to like this recap, because she’s officially gotten on my last nerve.

James clearly DGAF that he lost Lala as a friend, because he doesn’t believe that she’s really here for him I guess. Whatever, I don’t care. James has truly gone full cartoon villain status, and I’m both excited and nervous to see what next season brings for him. Kristen butts in for no reason to tell James to stop talking and stick up for Lala so she can keep that PJ invite.

We switch gears to talk about Scheana’s mess of a love life. Scheana says “I just date f*ckboys because they’re fun to hang out with and they’re hot to look at,” which is the best and realest thing Scheana has ever said in her life. She reveals that she and Adam are still hooking up—”hanging and banging,” she calls it—but not dating. I wonder what changed his mind from total revulsion? Was it the penguin?

Then it’s time for the Jax and Brittany show. Jax says that he and Brittany aren’t getting a prenup because he and Brittany are going to be together forever. Yikes. Said everyone who gets screwed over in divorce, ever. Honestly, good for Brittany. Get that bread. This is pretty much exactly the come-up scenario she wanted, so I can’t hate on it.

Lala and Randall are getting a prenup, however. Lala and Randall? Being smart? I am shocked. Andy brings up the fact that Randall has been on Flipping Out and KUWTK and yet, not Vanderpump Rules. Andy begs the question: is it fair that Lala doesn’t show all of her life on the show when everyone else does? Everyone else says no. Scheana tries to say, very diplomatically, that it is not quite fair. Lala’s response? “Find someone with a career.” I see her logic: Randall has a lot more to lose by being on this show—and in fact, history has shown us via Foftygate that on-air admissions could cost him a million dollars! But still, that was kind of harsh to come at innocent Shee-Shu that way.

Stassi tries to say that Beau is just as important as Randall, career-wise, and Beau is still on the show. Yeah, look, I don’t know how the movie business works, but Beau doesn’t have a character on Entourage based off of him, so I’m going to say that as gross as Randall is, Rand is probably more important.

Even Lisa agrees that Lala is being unfair by not putting Randall on the show, especially considering he hangs out with all the cast members (minus James Kennedy, which Kristen unnecessarily points out). I guess, but do we really need another terrible adult on this show of adults acting terribly? I think we’ve hit our quota.

Lala deflects, again, by telling Scheana that she brings sketchy dudes around who just want camera time. Which may very well be true, but how does that take away from everyone’s legitimate criticism that Lala has an unfair advantage by not putting Randall on the show? Oh right, it doesn’t. I swear, if I were half as good at deflection as any of these people, I would get so far in life.

Next we talk about Lisa trash talking Tom Tom. Cool, I still don’t care about this story line, and I never will. At this point I can only hope Tom Tom gets a spin-off so I can willfully not tune in. Tom tries to argue that Sly, with all her decades of experience, can’t compete with Sandoval, who has been working on the cocktail list for six to eight month. Um, I don’t know, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly how having decades of industry experience works. Then Ariana asks “well what about the frozen shot machine?” and Lisa spouts off some BS excuse about it not being there when Ken was planning the bar, and then it was too late by the time it came in. Ariana calls out that the frozen shot machine was sitting at the bar for three months, and Lisa just kind of says what I say to my boss when I very clearly f*cked up a big project but don’t want to accept responsibility: “Well, I don’t know!” (half-hearted shrug). This may be the first time we have gotten a glimpse of RHOBH Lisa Vanderpump. Is Frozen Shot Machine Gate the new PuppyGate? Stay tuned for more as Lisa continues to double down.

Then Katie is upset that the Toms have not received a salary. But do they actually even work at the restaurant? Also, it just started. Should they even expect to see any returns after, what, a year at most? I don’t know how these things work, but I don’t think you can expect to take a salary that quickly. At least, that’s what I’ve gathered from watching Shark Tank.

After commercial break, Raquel joins the reunion wearing a crazy dress that I’m sure we have all talked about ad nauseam, so I don’t need to discuss it further here. Instead, I will leave this Instagram upload from James Kennedy about a different dress Raquel recently wore.

 

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? imma put this right here ….. fofty said leave it. #fofmate

A post shared by James Kennedy (@itsjameskennedy) on

Raquel recently interviewed at SUR and Lisa confirms she will be working there. Katie’s mind is already spinning, trying to think of ways she can play the victim to get her fired. We revisit the rumors that Hope hooked up with James at Coachella, and Raquel says that Hope was never even at the house that they were renting. Hmm. Andy brings up a good point: What would Hope gain by lying that she hooked up with James? 

Raquel then goes into some weird pageant speech about how she started doing pageants because she has social anxiety, but she doesn’t even get to finish delivering her canned monologue because James starts taking shots at Brittany for unknown reasons, implying she’s not beautiful for not being a beauty queen (?) unless I’m looking too far into things. But the way they are scoffing at Raquel for calling herself a beauty queen when she… did pageants… seems petty.

Jax and Brittany immediately start yelling over Raquel. Ariana yells at them to shut up and Jax and Brittany take this as a personal affront. Remember, in this group, you’re only a good friend if you remain blindly loyal at all times, no matter who is in the wrong.

Anyway, back to the cheating rumors. Apparently Lala watched James suck on another girl’s tit at the club, while he was dating Raquel. Number one, is that legal? Can you just do that in public? I need to like, tell somebody about this. 

Ariana, voice of reason, says that James and Raquel considered them moving in together as a fresh start to their relationship. Raquel finally admits that James probably wasn’t completely faithful before they move in together. Andy, new voice of reason and perpetual messy bitch, points to Jax and Brittany and says that sounds a lot like what the two of them went through when Brittany was still living in Kentucky. And even when Brittany was living in LA when Faith was over that one time. Andy didn’t say that last part, that’s just my editorializing.

Katie, of all people, tells Raquel that she doesn’t understand how she can just accept that James cheated and stay with him because it will eat away at her. Katie, whose husband made out with another girl only last year. KATIE. Katie.

James has a moment of hypocrisy that made me laugh out loud, when they talk about how Raquel wanted to go to girls night to get closer with all the girls, but James didn’t want her to.

James: I got over it quickly and you went to the party and everything was cool.
Raquel: No, I didn’t go to the party because you didn’t want me to.
James: Oh, good, I’m glad you didn’t go.

Spoken like every “What’s up ma, you’re beautiful. Oh, you can’t even say hi? F*ck you bitch, you’re fat and ugly anyway”-ass dude out there.

Lala has a moment of redemption when she reveals that part of the reason she is so harsh towards Raquel is because James, one time in Vegas, Lala a c*nt in front of her dad and Raquel didn’t stand up to him. Okay, see, this is putting the “bambi-eyed bitch, you don’t empower other women” day into a lot more perspective. Does it excuse Lala’s actions completely? No, but it provides some healthy context. Sometimes I forget that things happen off-camera that factor into what we see on-camera! And that’s why I am always quick to change my mind with new information. And that, in turn, is why I could never be friends with any of these people.

Stassi tells Raquel that, basically, the girls don’t like that Raquel stands by James. Raquel asks, rhetorically, if they’d all be happier if she would publicly embarrass him.

Me, the girls, Lisa Vanderpump:

I’m truly confused because a comment about Lala lacking basic manners (because she won’t apologize to Raquel, not really how manners work, but fine) turns into James making fun of Jax and Brittany for sh*tting with the door open. I mean, I would too? New York bathrooms are small and leaving the door open gives my knees more room.

Raquel further digs herself into a hole when she tries to double down on her comments that Lala was using her dad’s death as an excuse to treat Raquel poorly and avoid having a conversation she didn’t want to have. Yikes.

Sandoval kind of tries to stick up for Raquel (apparently his dad spent three weeks in a coma, so that gives him the license to speak on this without everyone dog piling on him), and tries to say that his grief didn’t give him license to yell at everyone he didn’t like. We are pretty much split now into to camps: the camp that thinks you need to do whatever you need to do to get over your loss (Jax, Lala, that side of the room), and the side who thinks that grief doesn’t give you a carte-blanche to act however you want without repercussions (Sandoval, Lisa). As a completely objective third party with absolutely no personal interest in the matter, I really won’t choose a side here, considering I can’t even begin to empathize with Lala or Jax. I will say that this show has just gotten extremely dark, and watching it makes me feel weird now.

Raquel leaves, and we segue into talking about Lisa’s brother passing away.

Andy: How have you been coping?
Lisa: 

She pretty much immediately started crying. Andy is like, “still raw, huh?” YES, ANDY. Clearly it is still raw! Jesus Christ.

Why the f*ck is Kristen crying right now? Honestly she just gets on my nerves because I feel like she tries to d*ck ride everyone to stay on the show.

This sh*t takes an extremely dark turn when we revisit everyone’s dad’s deaths. Neither Jax nor Jenny are speaking to their mom for not informing them their dad was in the ICU. James gets called out for a f*cked up tweet in which he essentially said Jax and Lala need to just get over their dad’s deaths, and this is where James drops a supposed bomb that doesn’t quite hit: that Jax supposedly made a fake Twitter account pretending to be Raquel to spread homophobic rumors about James. Jax, of course, lies about it and acts incredulous. Ariana then pipes up and says Jax’s phone number was connected to the Twitter account! Lol, what a f*cking idiot. Of course he wouldn’t know how to make a burner Google Voice account in order to make a fake Twitter just to publicly disparage someone he hates. Not speaking from experience or anything!

So Jax gets up and gets in James’s face, saying, “you wanna talk about my dad? You wanna talk about my dad?” No, he wants to talk about why you’d make a fake Twitter account, pretending to be Raquel, to disparage James. But good deflection! Jax then calls Raquel a little bitch, which I’m sure everybody is going to let fly because they don’t like Raquel! But if James called one of the women a bitch, they would (rightfully) start World War III. But is Jax going to have any consequences for this? Is Brittany going to get crucified for not putting Jax in his place? Of course not.

James calls Brittany a hillbilly, and Jax is OUTRAGED. He’s like, “so we’re just gonna sit here and allow him to call people hillbillies?” I mean, I don’t know, I guess, considering we’re apparently just going to sit here and let you call people bitches? I’m pretty sure you can say hillbilly on the radio; you can’t say bitch. So let’s not play a game of “which word is a worse insult?”, or I WILL call John Mulaney in here.

Brittany says she’s proud to be a hillbilly, because at least she’s not a sh*tty person like James. Kristen, for literally no reason, starts clapping and yelling “boom, motherfucker, boom.”

No one:
Not a single person:
Seriously, nobody on this planet:
Kristen: BOOM! Yeah bitch, James is over! I did it!

This is, at the heart, why I cannot stand Kristen this season.

Still nobody:
Still not a single person:
Still, seriously, nobody even asked:
Kristen: Nobody’s going to f*ck with my Brittany because she’s the light of my life.

…Ok Kristen.

The remainder of the reunion is basically everyone yelling over James. James calls Jax an old man, Jax gloats about how much better his life is than James’s. James calls Brittany a bitch, and nobody really kills him over it, so perhaps I spoke too soon about the double standard between James and everybody else in this regard. Sandoval tries to sort of stick up for James, or at least, point out why Jax is being hypocritical (I think, I can’t really discern what’s going on over all the yelling), which is where Brittany screams at him to stop because he’s Jax’s best man. Sandoval tries to scream back a justification, and it’s a f*cking fiasco. They’re all yelling. Finally, Andy yells at them all to just shut the f*ck up.

Amen, Andy. Everyone. All of you. Shut the f*ck up.

Until next week.

Did Kristen Just Reveal Who’s Not Invited To Jax & Brittany’s Wedding?

When Kristen Doute’s nose isn’t deep in a mountain of Raquel’s pasta, it’s deeper in other people’s business. Since she finally settled down with a normal guy who doesn’t share a hair straightener with her, her only storyline on Vanderpump Rules is that she meddles in the lives of others. So it should come as no surprise to us that Kristen is on Twitter trumpeting who isn’t invited to Jax and Brittany’s wedding.

Okay, so:

James, Raquel, and Billie Lee are ? not invited to Brittany & Jax’s wedding.

Kisses,
Kristen #PumpRules

— kristen doute ??? (@kristendoute) February 5, 2019

I saw this tweet and was immediately dubious that anyone, least of all Jax and Brittany, would ever tell Kristen anything confidential. However, there might be some truth to what she is claiming, if the Vanderpump Rules stars’ social media habits mean anything. Yes, I keep tabs on this. No, I don’t have a life. No further personal questions, please. As of a week or two ago, Kristen actually was following Billie Lee, but she unfollowed her since. (I know this because I had researched it for another article that never came to fruition.) Given that this cast has the emotional maturity of 15-year-olds, Kristen deciding to unfollow Billie Lee likely means something happened between the two of them. Billie Lee still follows Kristen, though, which could mean that she has no idea Kristen has beef. Or it could mean Billie doesn’t keep an obsessive list of who from the VPR cast follows whom. (She’s not better than me!)

What’s perhaps more significant is that Jax also unfollowed Billie Lee recently. We all know Jax is real quick with the unfollow, so presumably something sparked him to do this, even if it was something insignificant and dumb. But Brittany and Billie Lee still follow each other, which I think means that either they are cool, or if they’re not, Brittany is not as petty as Jax. Even if Jax does have an issue with Billie, Brittany’s the bride, so she probably has more of a say in who gets invited to the wedding. Then again, Jax controls Brittany’s every move, sooo… Billie might be excluded from this narrative.

Let’s move on to Raquel and James. Not so surprisingly, Raquel and James don’t follow anyone from the cast and the cast doesn’t follow them back. Last night on WWHL, James admitted that he doesn’t expect to be invited to either Brittany or Lala’s wedding. Makes sense, given everything we’ve seen on the show so far, and I’ve got to respect James for being self-aware and not trying to pull a Kristen.

What is shocking is he said there’s a bigger chance that he’d be invited to Brittany and Jax’s wedding than to Lala’s. According to James, he and Jax tend to bounce back after ripping on each other and screwing each other over. Credit to James for being the only person in this cast ever to notice that this is literally what eventually happens with every cast member ever. It’s called the Circle of Life.

View this post on Instagram

@bravowwhl TONIGHT WITH ME BABY!!! ? @raquelleviss #pumprules (I look like a boss in this photo) ?

A post shared by James Kennedy (@itsjameskennedy) on

Jax and Brittany have yet to make a formal announcement about who’s invited to their wedding. However, I think Kristen making the announcement makes more sense. Jax saying who isn’t invited to the wedding would just devolve into him going on another tangent about how he has changed SO MUCH and NO ONE ELSE HAS before hawking protein powder or an electronic toothbrush. And Brittany is too nice to say anything until she’s left with absolutely no choice. So who better than Kristen to insert herself into drama that doesn’t concern her and f*ck up people’s lives? Nobody, that’s who.

We’ll have to keep watching and following on social media for more wedding developments, but one thing we can be sure of is there’s going to be plenty of drama.

Images: kristendoute / Twitter; itsjameskennedy / Instagram

Raquel Leviss Is Shading Her ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Co-Stars Online

Dear, sweet Raquel Leviss. When James Kennedy’s pageant girlfriend officially joined the Vanderpump Rules cast this year, no one was sure what to expect. We knew her as soft-spoken, college-aged, and possibly delusional about James’ alleged cheating. This season, as the rest of the cast turns against James, Raquel has decided to show her personality. This is happening both on-camera and off, as Raquel has decided to talk sh*t online about James’ former friends. This is the kind of drama I live for.

Exhibit A: Today, Raquel posted this tweet sharing an article discussing the feud between Lala and Billie Lee. Her caption? “Lala Kent Joins The Mean Girls Club And Never Looks Back.”

Lala Kent Joins the Mean Girls Club and Never Looks Back https://t.co/FOZaoOtenQ

— Raquel Leviss (@RaquelLeviss) January 22, 2019

Okay Raquel! Given your interactions with Lala last year, in which you asked her to please stop sitting on your boyfriend’s lap quite so much, I guess it’s not totally shocking that you’re going after her now. But if you’re hating on her for hanging out less with your boyfriend, that does seem a little counter-intuitive to me! (Yeah, I will not for a second pretend Raquel’s real stake in this is somehow about Billie Lee.)

In Exhibit B of Raquel’s (admittedly pretty tame) shade, we have her comment on this Instagram from Tom Sandoval. He’s announcing a “Spicy Tequila Tuesday” that he’s hosting at SUR (guess Girl’s Night In was not a huge success after all).

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Join me TOMORROW at SUR from 8-11! I’m taking a break from Tomtom to SURve some cocktails back where it all began @surrules . Come by kick it! Also, don’t forget to check out a new episode of #pumprules TONIGHT!

A post shared by Tom Sandoval (@tomsandoval1) on

Raquel responds to this news (screenshotted below) with the following comment: “You’ve got me thinking about what I would call my Tuesday night.” Innocent enough, but in my opinion, this is a dig that pretty much anyone can have their own Tuesday night now that James’ super-successful event is out of the mix.

Lest you think that Raquel Leviss is taking over James Kennedy’s title as Queen of Internet Shade, James was quick to get in on the action here too. On Tom’s Tuesday night post, he responded to a comment saying, “We Want C YOU NEXT TUESDAY!” by tagging Lisa Vanderpump herself and Guillermo Zapata, the other owner of SUR whose last name you probably never knew. (Did anyone else read that comment in a “Pump-ti-ni!!” voice btw?)

Honestly, James and Lisa better be on good enough terms that this reads as something of a joke. Otherwise he is literally just sad at home tagging his ex-boss on Instagram to say “SEE YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE FIRED ME!” If possible, it is even sadder than drunk-tagging an ex.

Honestly, I’m always up for a new girl stirring the pot. Raquel, I may find your home decor Instagram stories insufferable, bur I am here for any and all petty fights you’d like to start.

Images: Twitter; Instagram

James Kennedy’s Mother Posted A Wild Statement About Her Son’s Behavior

While I’ve absolutely loved this season of Vanderpump Rules so far,I’ve loved the off-camera drama even more. AKA James Kennedy’s multiple meltdowns between aired episodes, as his life slowly unravels on screen. The latest in this series? An Instagram statement from James Kennedy’s mother, Jacqueline Georgiou. Before I tear this woman to shreds begin, I’d like to acknowledge her struggle with alcoholism, and put forth my sympathies for how it has affected both her life and the lives of her children. THAT BEING SAID: James Kennedy’s mother has had more than enough time to thoughtfully respond to his behavior, and the fact that this is what she comes up with is halfway between hysterically funny and rage blackout-inducing. Let’s dive in, shall we?

The Background

In case you haven’t been avidly watching, here’s a quick recap of James Kennedy this season. He rapped about Jax sleeping with Faith while Brittany was working at SUR, then got drunk and body-shamed Katie at Pride. Lisa promptly fired him from SUR for both his alcohol problem and his treatment of the women who work there. (If you’re on board with the logic of that sentence, congratulations. You’re already miles beyond Kennedy’s mother’s understanding.) In last week’s episode, Lisa Vanderpump met with James’ mother, Jacqueline. We learned that Jacqueline is nine months sober (very sincere congrats!), and struggling to justify her past failures as a mother (also congrats, important step).

On the not-so-great side, she also said James was entitled to his behavior because he was “provoked.” She also told Lisa she “can’t give up on James” because he considers Lisa a “mother figure.” To which Lisa responded, as gently as possible for such an obvious burn: “no, you are his mother figure.”

Next, James doubled down on all his crazy by talking sh*t about the recent deaths of Lala and Jax’s fathers. (A risky move! Do not recommend!) Lala, not to be outdone, screenshotted the VPR scene with James’ mom and posted an Instagram story, captioned like this. “Is this for real? Did this woman actually raise someone?” It’s unclear whether this was the final straw for Jacqueline, but we now have her response.

The Statement

I’m too lazy to re-type the whole thing You’ve waited long enough, so I’ll put the statement in full here for you to peruse.

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#letsbefair

A post shared by Jacqueline Georgiou (@jacquelinegeorgiou) on

Done? Still breathing? Excellent. Many, many comments off the bat from me! In a baffling first move, she begins with the phrase “to whom it may concern.” I understand this is (to an extent) celebrity Notes app protocol, but it’s also a phrase that feels overly formal when used in a cover letter, let alone an Instagrammed picture of a note handwritten on a piece of looseleaf. Also, someone should inform Jacqueline that Notes app exists, because the handwritten aspect makes it that much more upsetting.

Next! It is shocking to me how little anyone even peripherally involved with VPR understands what “feminism” means. And they use the word all the god*mn time! In this instance, Jacqueline accuses Katie of “claim to be a feminist then play victim.” While “playing victim” is generally a bad move, I kind of fail to see what it has to do with “claiming” to be a feminist. Maybe Jacqueline is one of those feminists who believes women showing any kind of weakness detracts from the whole movement, but I think more likely she doesn’t care about feminism or anything really other than continuing her moment of fame. Which will very, very swiftly end if James is not reinstated at SUR.

On this particular incident, she also defends James by saying he “never used the word ‘fat’” (low bar there, Jackie), “nor did he speak to Katie first.” Ok but Jackie!!! Inappropriate comments do not have to come out of a void to be inappropriate. And the fact that you can’t condone, even a little bit, what he did say to Katie makes it impossible to take anything else you might say seriously. Sorry!

Also me:

On the Kristen/Hope situation, she has a similar take (TL;DR James is blameless, hire him back). Yes, Kristen has a serious problem when it comes to finding people’s past hookups and bringing them to their workplace, but Jacqueline manages to void her criticism on this point too. She refers to it as “harassment (single white female style),” at which point I became incapable of thinking about anything Kristen has done wrong and could only focus on how truly insane this woman is. Also, if all else fails I hope James releases a single titled “harassment (single white female style)”.

The note wraps up with a few more baffling moments, like the mention that “Ms. Doute repeatedly beat the shit out of my son on previous episodes.” (Was it repeatedly? Not that once is okay—just trying to gauge how mentally sound this letter writer is). There’s also “Mother figure…anyone with ½ a brain should know what I meant.” (Lisa did know what you meant! She just wasn’t down for you to offload your maternal responsibility!) She finishes off with a note to “all you judges and jurors,” who she warns “before you speak and give your opinion,” “unless you are living your best ‘Oprah Life’ then SYMFM.” I cannot find backup for this on the internet, strangely, but I can only assume that stands for “shut your mother f*cking mouth.” What “your best ‘Oprah Life’” means, I can’t begin to guess at.

Finally, Jacqueline signs the note like this: “Jacqueline Georgiou/Mother.” Because honestly, after reading through that, you may have been tempted to forget that she’s an adult woman, let alone a mother. I can’t f*cking wait to see James’ response to this, and I can only hope it’s half as savage as me tearing my mother apart in middle school for calling my teacher when I got in trouble. Until the next tweet storm, have a great weekend!

Images: Giphy (3); @jacquelinegeorgiou / Instagram

James Kennedy’s Latest Twitter Meltdown Proves 2019 Is Doomed

New year, new me, am I right? Not if you’re DJ James Kennedy (AKA the white Kanye West). In a turn of events that may shock you for someone with this nickname, James Kennedy kicked the new year off with a series of questionable tweets. If you’ve been watching Vanderpump Rules, you’ll know that James has been getting heat from fellow cast members after body-shaming costar Katie Maloney. Oh, and rapping about Jax cheating on Brittany while she was working. And also kind of for cheating on his girlfriend two years ago? How many episodes are we in again? What year is it? Anyway, James had a bad week, which in the VPR universe means he was uninvited from a birthday party and lost his job. Here’s the rundown of the first James Kennedy Twitter meltdown of 2019.

Let’s start with a screenshotted January 2nd tweet uploaded by Brittany:

The disgust continues. @itsjameskennedy I pray YOU will find peace some day. pic.twitter.com/OywfbyoRgC

— Brittany Cartwright (@BNCartwright) January 2, 2019

In case you’re too lazy to click on her tweet and read the quoted text, here’s what he says. “And Jax?! He is just a sad man after his daddy died. Coming for me cause I’m the only man he don’t like- brother make peace with your dead father please so you can be set free that’s goes for Lala also. Btw he made fun of George when he left.” As a side note, I cannot figure out who George is and it’s driving me wild. Fan theories in the comments please.

In other good news, James was apparently still drunk mad when he read Brittany’s tweet, because he responded with the following:

Wow…. just wow. pic.twitter.com/qOOKYquerR

— Jax (@mrjaxtaylor) January 3, 2019

Yes James. In case your drunkenness isn’t evident from the content of what you’re posting, please add random periods to drive the point home. Brilliant. Eventually, James—because he has publicists who require him to keep making money—deleted his tweets and tried two very different tactics to get out of this. First, the “I got hacked,” with a side of blatant lying about how he is perceived by the public. (James Kennedy? Positive? I think not.)

@mrjaxtaylor I don’t buy this pic.twitter.com/TV0YWuY6fR

— Lisa (@txldallas) January 2, 2019

Then, the sincere apology with a side of “but it wasn’t my fault because I was provoked.” Quick note to any celebs in need of PR guidance out there—you should do ONE or THE OTHER of these. Both is the worst look imaginable.

Hey I’m sorry for what I said about Jax and Lala and I apologize deeply to them and anyone I offended. I hope you guys also stop provoking me, thank you and I wish everyone a happy new year.

— James Kennedy (@itsjameskennedy) January 3, 2019

Jax and Brittany continued offering up swift rejections of this apology, with Jax doing the lord’s work posting new screenshotted evidence from James’ drunken Twitter spree as well.

There is a difference between someone who notices his wrongs and changes everything about his life for the better and someone who just doesn’t care who he hurts no matter what and has no intention of admitting his wrongs or changing. We know what’s real. Y’all see 30 mins

— Brittany Cartwright (@BNCartwright) January 3, 2019

Wow.. again with insulting women. After he just apologized. You are a joke my friend. You must seriously hate who are as a person. https://t.co/vDzOlC8Ba9

— Jax (@mrjaxtaylor) January 3, 2019

My favorite part of this whole drama is from an hour ago, in which Jax Taylor continues to rain hell down on James in whatever way he can. This time, it’s by tearing down a tweet Raquel posted from the Vanderpump dog show. According to Jax, Raquel “attempted to bid” on a puppy, “looked for money from James,” (who “has none so he bolted”), and then was ultimately rejected as a dog owner out of hand by Lisa—who “told the auctioneer “no way” and gave to the next bidder. Is any of this related to the rest of James’ tweets? Nope! But you’re out of your mind if you think I’m missing the opportunity to include some dog show drama.

You did not get out bid, we sat 10 feet from you when you attempted to bid on the puppy, you looked for money from James, he has none so he bolted and then Lisa saw it was you and told the auctioneer “no way” and gave to the next bidder. How can you lie when 300 people saw this. pic.twitter.com/tJvLFy5unN

— Jax (@mrjaxtaylor) January 3, 2019

And there you have it! Only three days into 2019, and if the James Kennedy Twitter meltdown is any indication, his resolutions are off to a great start. (I can only assume they were “drink less” and “win my friends back,” both of which are going exceedingly poorly right now.) If Jax’s resolutions, on the other hand, were “be more petty” and “continue to use Twitter as a catalog of personal vendettas,” then I’d say he’s doing great. I don’t usually like to support anything Jax does (gtfo with Mamaw’s Beer Cheese), but I’m really enjoying these twitter clap backs.

Images: Shutterstock; Twitter; Twitter; Twitter

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: So What Is The Truth?

What’s good, Sexy Unique People? It’s your favorite recapper, Sgt. Olivia Betchson, here. I’m here one whole day early to recap Vanderpump Rules season 7 episode 3, which got moved to a new day for some reason. Smh, you think you can depend on something, like you have been doing for the past FOUR YEARS, and then they go changing it for no discernible reason. Is it so much to ask for my show to be on at a consistent time? Is it?? There’s so little I can rely on anymore in this world.

This week picks right back up at Pride, after James has called Katie fat. He yells at Katie to “lose some f*cking weight” before storming off and telling some guy that Katie can go f*ck herself. Way harsh, Tai.

Scheana is talking about how she doesn’t know if Hope hooked up with James. Which is fair because the only people who know that for sure are Hope, James, and God. And still Scheana gets sh*t for this very uncontroversial opinion. It may be besides the point that James cheats on Raquel a lot, but also, why is this anyone’s business? Scheana is the only one who actually likes and wants to be friends with Raquel, so she’s realistically the only one who is in a place to tell Raquel about any cheating rumors. Everybody else isn’t doing this out of loyalty to Raquel but a desire to f*ck up James’s life. You heard it here first!

Lisa arrives at Pride dressed like she’s going to the Kentucky Derby.

Vanderpump Rules season 7 episode 3

No further comments at this time.

Raquel comes back up to Kristen and Hope and steals Hope away for a second. Raquel asks her to tell her what really happened at Coachella. Hope claims that Coachella is only the tip of the iceberg and she and James were sleeping together for THREE YEARS!! Oh and I’m sorry, this Coachella incident was not at this past year’s Coachella, but it actually happened two years ago.

Me:

What

I’m sorry, hold the phone. So you mean to tell me that this alleged incident happened years ago, and we’re only just hearing about it now? Hope sat on this information for TWO YEARS?? And she’s bringing it up now as if it’s somehow relevant and current information? Seems extremely suspect. How can you even begin to verify something that happened years ago?? Also, is Raquel really meant to blow up her relationship over something that may or may not have happened two years ago? I’ve gotta say, this is not Kristen’s best work. Try coming through with receipts from this calendar year, hmm?

Stassi calling James an emaciated muppet literally made me spit out my drink. Speaking of said emaciated muppet, James is literally full-on in white Kanye mode. He’s f*cked up, slurring, wandering around and trying to order a pumptini. It’s not good.

Lisa pulls Raquel aside to basically be like “come get ya mans and make sure he doesn’t have another sip of alcohol.” Yeah, that will end well. When has anyone in the history of alcohol successfully stopped a drunk person from doing something stupid? Never. So Raquel confronts James again about the rumors, and all he does is call Hope a f*cking whore. Hmm, so she’s a whore for not sleeping with you? Reminds me of middle school when some girl called me a slut when I hadn’t even kissed a guy yet. Just fun misogyny things!

We leave this with Raquel saying she wants to stay with James for the Instagram exposure.

Raquel and James are trying to put together furniture while discussing the train wreck that was the day before.

Ok so James’s story is that he and Hope hooked up two and a half years ago, before he was with Raquel.

Me: 

what is the truth

Right after this, Peter calls James to un-invite him to his birthday. I kind of wonder what Kristen had to blackmail him with in order to get that to happen.

James: Well Tom’s drinks don’t taste like alcohol so it snuck up on me.
Raquel: Mmm, no that’s not it.

Yeah no, that’s not what happened here. This is wild because I’ve never even heard Raquel speak this many words before, and I legit have met her in person. I’m into this, though. She says she doesn’t want James to have another sip of alcohol ever again. I’m not going to hold my breath waiting for that to come true, because I don’t wish to asphyxiate. Still, I can respect that she has a more realistic perspective of addiction than Scheana.

Some lady with a pageboy cap shows up to SUR to ask Lisa if she could give her brother a job. OK so it looks like we’re getting another Instagram model added to the cast… who’s probably going to date Scheana. Let’s just hope this guy shows up to the interview wearing pants and that he brings his resume.

Speaking of… Scheana shows up to Peter’s birthday party with Adam, which surprises no one. I’m glad they’ve finally taken their Instagram relationship public. The real question is… can he hang a TV in under 7 minutes?

Stassi is like, annoyed that Scheana doesn’t want to speak on rumors she doesn’t know about (aka James hooking up with Hope). Oh here’s the Stassi I knew and hated from season 5—the one who is only friends with people so long as they agree with her on all things and hate the same people she hates. That’s not loyalty, btw, that’s blind devotion!

Stassi and Ariana are finally joining forces to throw one birthday party. I would have commentary on this, but I knew this happened over the summer so I no longer have anything to say on the matter. Is Instagram ruining Vanderpump Rules? The title of my next think piece.

Ariana: Stassi just kept following me around and being nice to me so I gave up the energy to be bitchy.

Relatable.

Katie, Brittany, Stassi and Ariana are having a girls’ night and not inviting Scheana. Ariana is kind of being a mean girl by being like “yeah well I haven’t seen Scheana lately, it’s on her to work out her issues with Katie and everyone” rather than sticking up for her supposed friend and trying to get her an invite. Who has no loyalty now?? (I keep referencing this because later on this season, Stassi will come at Scheana for her supposed lack of loyalty.)

Jax and Brittany are going to a cheese shop because they’re starting a beer cheese company. a BEER CHEESE COMPANY. Literally watching Brittany act like beer cheese is a novelty you can’t get anywhere but her Meemaw’s basement is f*cking ridiculous. I’ve had beer cheese in Atlanta. I’ve had it in New York. Go to any artisanal brewery and you can probably find a beer cheese dip that comes with a soft pretzel. Damn, now I want a pretzel.

Brittany is going to invite Raquel to girls’ night, basically because she’s been cheated on by her boyfriend too. Let’s also invite Khloé Kardashian and Cardi B to this girls’ night. It’s Cheaters Anonymous up in this bitch.

Jax re: Raquel: Why would you want to be with someone who literally everybody hates?

LOLLLLLLLLLMFAOOOO IS THIS A JOKE?? Pot, meet kettle who everyone hates.

Jax has started his job back at SUR again. Again, what’s it like to have literally no consequences for your actions? MUST BE NICE.

Wait a sec, did Schwartz just call Katie his girlfriend? Yes he did. THAT’S YOUR WIFE! Or have you forgotten?

Schwartz goes to talk to James about calling Katie fat and the convo goes as follows:

Schwartz: Katie isn’t fat she’s sexy and luscious
James: I know man
Schwartz: Say it. I want you to say it.

You want another man to call your WIFE sexy and luscious? Weird flex, but ok. In predictable Schwartzy fashion, he doesn’t get mad at James or really give him any consequences for what he did. Maybe this is why Kristen has dubbed herself the Karma Police?

It’s girls’ night, and Ariana is SERVING in this see-through red lace number with a red thong. Everyone looks amazing, I’m really loving this. Looking at these outfits has cleared my skin, hydrated my body, and filled up my bank account.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Don’t forget there’s a new #pumprules tonight at 9pm!

A post shared by Katie Maloney-Schwartz (@musickillskate) on

Meanwhile at guys’ night, Jax comes riding in on a motor scooter. All I could think about was:

chandler and joey

Jax announces he and Brittany are business owners, and claims they’re getting patented and whatever. I doubt that. Have you even filed an LLC yet? I’m not saying Jax is a liar, but a brief Google search for “Meemaw’s beer cheese” only pulled up a Bustle article.

Brittany tells everyone that she invited Raquel to girls’ night and you can see the group calculate whether they should throw their drinks in Brittany’s face or jump out the window.

thinking

It’s so rich that Brittany is inviting Raquel out to tell her that her boyfriend sucks. And yet, she’s still with Jax and is now pledging to be with him FOR LIFE, so?? The cognitive dissonance is astounding. Jax buys tampons one time and all of a sudden we’re meant to believe he’s a completely new person?

I can’t believe Kristen is telling Raquel that James has a really shitty temper. Spoken by the woman who punched James in the face??!? Kristen should get a gold medal in mental gymnastics. F*ck it, they all should.

Katie: I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone where monsters are allowed to do and say whatever they want without consequences.

Yeah, welcome to 2018, bitch. Where have ya been?

We end this episode with Katie going to talk to Lisa to tell her about James calling her fat during Pride. I’m actually here for this Katie because Lisa is saying “James’ language is unacceptable” but not actually vowing to do anything. *Whispers into the void* just like when any high-powered man gets called out for unacceptable behavior. So Katie basically tells Lisa “it’s him or me.” You can tell Lisa is PISSED to not be calling the shots this time. Maybe if these men ever faced consequences for their gross behavior we wouldn’t have to resort to ultimatums! I mean, has anyone else ever thought about how the only person who has truly gotten fired from SUR and never gotten her job back has been Kristen? I have to wonder why that is…

And it’s possible I spoke too soon about this season being good, because this episode was kind of a bore. I tried to make this recap as exciting as I could, but putting jokes into this uninspired episode is like trying to inject life into a corpse… or into Giggy’s hairless body. Boom! And with that, I’m out of here! See you guys next Monday, because I’m pretty sure Bravo is f*cking with us yet again by changing the time of this show. For the record, I DO NOT SUPPORT THIS!

Images: Trae Patton / Bravo Media; Giphy (4)

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Why Doesn’t Kristen Pick On Someone Her Own Age?

Happy Monday, everybody! (Okay, yes I realize it’s Tuesday by the time you’re reading this but I wrote this to you on Monday as I was writing it… just go with it.) Am I the only one who feels like it should be Friday already? Work problems, amiright? Just change my name to Brenda, effective immediately, because I’ve got a real bad case of the Mondays! Anyway, sorry about that. The one good thing about Mondays is that Vanderpump Rules is finally back, and this season is already way better than last. So I am very excited to bring to you, the Vanderpump Rules season 7 episode 2 recap. Before we even start this episode, I’m already sick of Jax and Brittany’s engagement storyline. Really praying these two just elope so they can spare me 21 consecutive weeks of fights over wedding minutiae. 

We open on Jax and Brittany’s apartment, and also am I the only one who thinks Lala sang the opening song on this episode? Anyway, Jax and Brittany go into their apartment, where all their friends are waiting for them. That’s actually pretty sweet. I was about to say I’m impressed with Jax for setting it up, except he didn’t. Stassi basically did everything. I can see why she’s a fake event planner on this show.

Jax: I sh*t you not, there were dolphins in the background right when I proposed.

Uhm, no? I am equally sure that didn’t happen. We just re-watched that clip 10 seconds ago; we literally all know you lied. This is peak Jax, lying over something inconsequential and very easily disproven just to try to make himself look better. At this point I wonder if he knows he’s lying pathologically, or if he actually believes his own bullsh*t? I lean more towards the latter. 

Ok yes I was right about “I’M ENGAAAAAYAGED” being the new “rawt in hail” because Brittany yelled it TWICE outside on her balcony. If she did that sh*t in New York, she would have gotten a swift brick thrown through her window. Also, like, which one of you is gonna put this on a mug, or should I be the first?

Meanwhile, at SUR, Billie Lee breaks the engagement news to James. I feel like they’re both probably salty that they weren’t invited to the party, just saying…

James: I’m really happy for Brittany, I think Jax is going to be a great first husband for her.

People who do not like James Kennedy, WHY?? Comments like these are the reason I still put myself through this torture chamber of a show every week. Just kidding, I love this show because I’m a messy b*tch who lives for drama!

Wow apparently Jax’s mom didn’t even respond to the text that he got engaged? That’s harsh. I legit remember the episode where she came to get lunch with Lisa and Scheana. Geez, this is dark. Jax’s mom didn’t really give him the opportunity to say goodbye to his dad, because I guess she was trying to spare his feelings. I’m not a parent, obviously, but I pretty vehemently disagree with that strategy. Jax is pushing 40; he’s old enough to decide for himself what he wants his last memory of his dad to be. But you’re right, this is far too serious a topic for my recap. Back to the lighthearted stuff, like cheating allegations!

Kristen is talking to Lala, saying, “James treats everyone like disposable humans”—spoken by the girl who f*cked her best friend’s ex-boyfriend, punched her own boyfriend, called Ariana “the scum on the bottom of my shoe”… should I go on? These people are pretty remarkable, I’ve got to say. Their selective memories are astounding and should be studied by scientists. It’s also pretty ridiculous that Kristen is going to act like the reason she hates James is because he embarrassed Brittany, when it seems painfully obvious to me that she simply does not want her ex-boyfriend to be a part of the group and gain Instagram sponsorships. Listening to Kristen call James “this little kid” is disturbing. You dated him! You cried over him! Are you really going to pretend that didn’t happen? 

Damn, it’s Pride already? I feel like this usually doesn’t happen until midway through the season. The theme of this year’s Pride is 80s, because I guess equal rights isn’t a good enough theme?

Wait, what’s with Lala’s fake lip ring in the confessionals? That thing is truly heinous. It’s not 1996 anymore, please leave lip rings back where they belong.

Anyway. Everyone’s talking about how Jax has changed, and THANK GOD Ariana is the only person being like “lol let’s see if this sticks because it’s Jax we’re talking about.” At least there’s one person who isn’t drinking the Jax Kool-Aid.

Me, watching everyone talk about how Jax is a new person:

Crazy pills

Kristen and Stassi are hanging out, drinking. I’m beginning to think that’s all they do.

Stassi: Kristen and I are mature. Instead of going out to bars, we just get drunk at home.

I could hate, but this is honestly my late 20s energy.

Kristen is mad at Lisa for not getting mad at James over the “Jax f*cked Faith” lyric. Dude, I don’t know. I guess I’m happy that Crazy Kristen is back, but honestly it’s just so weird to watch her be overly concerned with sh*t that doesn’t affect her directly. Like, IDK, get a hobby? Take up knitting? Or pick on someone your own age?? It’s just f*cking weird. Also, seems stressful!

Kristen tells Stassi that this girl named Hope told her that she hooked up with James while Raquel was asleep at their Coachella house. These people are vile. Has nobody on this show heard of the phrase “get a room”?

Kristen is like, “I want to speak for everyone he has silenced.” Damn, this b*tch is the f*cking Lorax of scorned women now.

Oh boy, brace yourselves. Crazy Kristen is BACK in full swing, organizing a meet-up with James and Hope and Raquel during Pride. This is like the Miami Girl confrontation all over again. *rubs hands together excitedly* Seems like she could have chosen a less stressful day than literally the busiest day at SUR of the year, but I’m not going to complain about it.

Jax goes to visit Lisa at her house and ask for his job back. I find it hard to believe that Jax is famous from being on a reality show and can’t just like, apply to work at any other bar in LA?

Lisa: Why should I take you back at SUR?
Jax: I don’t mean to use my father’s death to try to beg for my job back, but watch me use my father’s death to beg for my job back.

Classy! And Lisa AGREES TO DO IT!! She lets him work an event at SUR this weekend. God, what’s it like to be a man on this show and have absolutely no consequences for your actions?? Or, I guess, simply a man in 2018. 

James and Raquel are apparently not living on some random 40-year-old man’s couch anymore, and they invite Sandoval and Ariana over for dinner. Sandoval tells James he’s acting like the white Kanye, and this is supposed to deter him how, exactly?? Being the white Kanye is all James has ever wanted. Like, did you even watch season 4??

James asks Sandoval when he and Ariana are getting engaged.

Sandoval: I bought the ring 4 years ago.
Ariana: *goes to the sunken place*

I could literally recite in my sleep that ARIANA DOES NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED! She also doesn’t want kids, in case you’re wondering!! Why is this so hard to grasp?? This right here is why Sandoval is trash. Ariana has told him, her friends, the American people MULTIPLE TIMES that she doesn’t want marriage! But because that opinion doesn’t jive with Sandoval’s, he just ignores it completely and thinks he can change her mind. To Sandoval, Ariana’s opinions are only valid when they line up with his, otherwise, they’re merely suggestions.

Anyway, it’s Pride! Everyone is dressed like me at any college 80s themed mixer. Lots of neon, lots of spandex.

Scheana: Walking into SUR during pride is like walking into an 80s sitcom.

 Uhm… what 80s sitcoms were you watching? Because I don’t think people were walking around with their asses and titties out on Cheers or whatever.

Give this producer who edited the footage as an 80s sitcom all the Emmys. JASON CAUCHI A JAX TAYLOR!!! I AM DECEASED! That made my night.

Vanderpump Rules season 7 episode 2

Back to our regularly scheduled programming. Ugh Scheana is singing “Good as Gold”. It’s okay, I didn’t need my ears for anything. 

Me, bleeding out the eardrums:

this is fine

James Kennedy gets up on like, some raised surface to rap and strip off his jacket. Meanwhile, Kristen and Hope are scaling a fence to get to SUR. Should we call the police? Are they allowed to be on the premises?

So Kristen and Hope pull Raquel aside like, “can I steal you for a sec?” Chris Harrison would be pleased.

Kristen: I just want to know if you’re aware or you just don’t care.
Raquel/Me: About what?

Yeah, what? It’s called context, ever heard of it?

Hope then tells Raquel that she had sex with James at Coachella while she was asleep. Honestly Hope is a little too proud to tell Raquel that. So now I’ve got to wonder if this is real? I’m being a James truther right now. I just feel like if you’re going to admit you f*cked a girl’s boyfriend while you knew they were dating, you should have a little more shame. YOU WOULD THINK.

Kristen: I took James from a little baby busser to whatever he is today. I like, invented him, you know?

I’ve never seen Raquel speak this much, but DAMN, I wish she would talk more often! Holy sh*t. I like, kind of respect her for this, because she’s not just giving Kristen what she wants, which is a reaction. She’s basically like “why are you telling me this rn.” I guess I could argue it’s because her brain can’t handle this much information at once, but I won’t because I’m trying to be a nicer person.

As a sidenote, is it cool that Beau is wearing a shirt that says “Gay for Play” on Pride? Just asking?

James comes out onto the patio and congratulates Jax on the engagement. Then Brittany comes up and he apologizes to her and gives them a bunch of Patron.

Brittany: I don’t know if I’m ready to forgive James, but I will drink this tequila.

I get that. Raquel then comes up, and I’m like, kind of scared for James. She confronts him about the rumor, and James obviously denies having had sex with Hope. And spoken like all innocent men, James immediately starts yelling about how Kristen is a slut. Hmmmm now I’m not sure who to believe. I mean, who am I kidding, I know who to believe. Where there’s smoke with this crew, there’s fire. One false cheating allegation, I could see. But I seriously doubt half of LA is colluding to accuse the same guy of cheating on his girlfriend just for sh*ts and giggles.

James re: Kristen: 

Why Are You So Obsessed With Me

Raquel is crying, and I didn’t actually know her motherboard was programmed to produce tears. I am shooketh.

Guys, maybe Raquel is like, not an animated piece of cardboard? She expresses that she’s tired of having to defend James to everyone. This is like, an accurate sentiment. Now I feel sort of bad for calling her stupid for the past season. It’s almost as if… she is capable of rational thought?? I’m going to need a while to process this.

Okay, I’m back. Now we’re outside and the news has already made its way around SUR. Damn, news travels fast in this place. James has also managed to get belligerently drunk and is slurring about Lala being a b*tch. There he is, the James we know and love.

Lala calls Raquel dumb because apparently she knew that James was banging Hope while she was away at school. And yet, if Lala has known this information for months, why is she only know telling Raquel? Oh right, because the cameras are rolling and nobody has any real loyalty to one another.

Kristen comes walking up to James and Sandoval with a sh*t-eating grin.

Kristen, to James: Why is he here? He needs to go.

Kristen, we could way more rightfully say that about you! Your ass doesn’t even work here! Kristen is literally that creepy guy who graduated high school 3 years ago and still hangs out in the parking lot, smoking and hitting on the freshmen.

She Doesn't Even Go Here

Lala tells James he needs serious help—I think her exact words were “intense therapy”—and Katie, for no discernible reason, is like, “James, you need serious help. Look at your pants.” I mean, I don’t think Lala was talking about fashion help, but sure.

But thennnn James goes from 0 to 100 real f*cking quick. Body-Shaming James Kennedy comes out, my least favorite iteration of DJJK, telling Katie her shorts aren’t flattering and telling her to lose weight. Yeah, that’s not cool. I’m not going to defend this at all. He sucks for this. I really respect Katie’s response, which is basically like “tell me something I haven’t already told myself.” That’s pretty much what I said when someone on my Instagram tried to call me fat in a comment on one of my pictures. If anybody cares, they said I had a “weird body shape” which is how I know a woman wrote it.

The episode ends with James and Jesse Montana angrily stalking off somewhere. You would think James would have learned from season 5 or whenever it was when he called Katie fat and got promptly ostracized, but no. Sadly, I don’t think he’s going to be able to apologize his way out of this one. Buckle up, folks. It’s going to be a dramatic ride.

Images: Giphy (4)