In the past few years, LaCroix has gone from something I’d only vaguely heard of before to literally taking over the world. Betches have ridded their fridges of Diet Cokes (JK not really) and flavorless flat water (God forbid) and replaced them with brightly colored cans of effervescent deliciousness. The good news? All LaCroix is pretty fucking betchy. They’re calorie-, sugar-, gluten-, sodium-, anything bad for you-free so they’re not going to make you fat like other sodas. They make amazing mixers. And who doesn’t love bubbles? The bad news is that all flavors are NOT created equal. But that’s what you have us for.
So we bring you: a definitive ranking of the betchiest LaCroix. Two things before diving into this: 1) There are a million fucking flavors so they’re not ALL on here. 2) If you disagree with our ranking, that’s fine. If it really upsets you, however, you need to relax and either pretend this list never happened, or make a life change and send us a box of LaCroix as a thank you. Preferably option 2.
Does anyone even drink this? Out of all of the flavors, this one is the fakest tasting and it’s just not good. If you go to someone’s house and they offer you a LaCroix then whip out this bad boy, it’s time to go home and reevaluate the friendship.
9. Peach Pear
It’s not necessarily bad—if I’m being perfectly honest, I think it’s pretty good. I’m a Southern betch though, so anything peach is my shit. It’s just that it tastes SO MUCH. It’s like a transition drug for people trying to break into the world of sparkling water except they just can’t give up their sugary soda ways. I feel like Peach Pear people probs keep a secret stash of Mountain Dew in case of emergencies.
The problem here is the way it smells. I literally crack open a can and start gagging because it’s like cheap tanning oil and when I think about drinking it, I want to vomit. The only excuse for drinking this one is that it’s a skinny option for a tropical mixer, but like, can’t you just use coconut rum?
The OG LaCroix is a little boring because it has no flavor whatsoever, but I can definitely appreciate people who are hardcore enough to drink plain sparkling water. Best part about this one is you can throw it in any drink you want and it won’t fuck up the taste, just make it a little bubbly.
6. Piña Fraise
Ah. The first one from LaCroix’s Cúrate (it’s pronounced coo-rah-tay, btw). I feel like some people are gonna hate on these and be Team Original, but idc because they’re amazing. This one mixes pineapple and strawberry so it’s a little on the sweet side for my taste, but it has a good bit of flavor without fucking punching you in the face. It says “I’m not quite a LaCroix pro, but I’m not a lame AF newb either.”
5. Melón Pomelo
If you couldn’t tell by the name, this is another of the Cúrate variety. It breaks into the top five because of its uncommon mix of fruits that actually works and isn’t totally nasty (looking at you, Cran-Raspberry). It’s like a mixologist handmade your sparkling water for you. I mean, who knew cantaloupe and grapefruit combined could be so damn tasty?
4. Cerise Limón
This one is literally like a calorie-free cherry limeade from Sonic. Well not quite, but close. The subtle flavors are usually the betchiest, but because it’s all tart and no sweet, it doesn’t taste as fake as some of the other flavor-heavy options. A vodka soda with a cerise limón instead of standard club is never a bad idea. But you can just say cherry lime so you don’t sound like an asshole who’s trying to speak Spanish.
These two are tied because they’re pretty much the fucking same. They’re basically only liked by LaCroix snobs because they kind of taste like a fountain Sprite when it’s running low on syrup. Tbh, these two are okay, but not my faves. The only reason they’re up this high is because they’re awesome mixers and go with pretty much any kind of alcohol.
2. Múre Pepino
Surprise! It’s another member of the Cúrate fam and it is fucking incredible. The mix of blackberry and cucumber is like something you’d get at the spa. It’s so damn refreshing and it’s relatively unknown so you look betchy AF and slightly hipster, but not overtly, so when people go in your fridge and stumble across the lavender and lime cans. If you like crafty cocktails with herbs and shit, make this your new go-to.
This should come as a surprise to no one. Pamplemousse (grapefruit, if you speak English) is an OG LaCroix and has managed to stay the betchiest. It has a little more taste than lime and lemon, but it’s still super light and exclusive to veteran LaCroix drinkers. It’s also one of the bubbliest which is always a good thing. Plus, the name is fancy AF. Long live the pamplemousse.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say the last 7 seasons of The Bachelor/Bachelorette are all tied for the most dramatic season ever. Right, Chris Harrison? But some of these seasons were shittier than others. I’m looking right at you, Nick Viall. In case you forgot which season rocked and which ones sucked in recent history, we’ve conveniently ranked them for you. You’re welcome. Let’s reminisce on all the mediocre times, shall we?
7. Nick Viall
No one is fucking surprised Nick’s season sucked. You know it. I know it. We all know it. The big mistake show runners made in creating this season was casting the clogged drain of humans, Nick Viall. Did they have a check list of shitty qualities they wanted in a person? Like, who is the most dumpable, lispy, awkward guy we can think of and let’s just cast him. For fuck’s sake. The only thing good about the season, really, was Corinne and even she couldn’t turn this sinking ship around.
6. Juan Pablo
Juan Pablo was the wooooorrst. Well, in this case, the second worst. I feel like he gets points for mostly sticking to the show’s format and not making his dates go to the fucking North Pole to impress him. Juan Pablo was a dick, but at least he was bangable. If you’re saying you wouldn’t hit it, you’re lying. Just put a bag over his head so you don’t have to listen to him talk. He also loses points for being homophobic. Didn’t he mouth off about how gay people weren’t real people or some shit? Yikes. Hard pass.
5. Andi Dorfman
I dropped Andi on this list because girl has some questionable judgement. First of all, she let Nick into her final two and had sex with him. Andi basically got us all into this whole mess in the first place. She also picked Josh who was definitely a douche/potential sociopath. I mean, look at him. I feel like The Bachelorette is generally less dramatic than The Bachelor (i.e. less fun to watch) because dudes don’t know how to fully whip out their crazy like a group of ladies can (did I just set feminism back 50 years?), but Nick and Josh had some good arguments. Nick also called Andi out for sleeping with him and then dumping him. I mean, that was slut shaming at its finest, but it made for good TV.
4. Kaitlin Bristowe
On Kaitlin’s season of The Bachelorette they did that weird thing where they made the dudes pick between her and another chick for the right to be the Bachelorette on the first night of the show. Awkward, yet, still interesting. Kaitlin also banged Nick. Is he charming or something when he isn’t on TV? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! Anyway, Kaitlin’s season was pretty dramatic, but she kind of ruined the whole thing when she snapchatted herself and Shawn in bed together before the finale. Bonus points for having the best Snapchat presence out of all the Bach alums, though.
3. Chris Soules
Chris is probably one of the dumbest people that has been on the show, but, dat ass doe. He was cute, charming and had an insanely beautiful smile. I give Chris extra points for helicoptering away from two crying bitches in the desert after dumping them both on a two-on-one date. Like byeeeeee. His season was also pretty enjoyable to watch. Remember when that one girl who was like, so weird about her dead boyfriend? She was all like, “Isn’t my story amazing?” Nah lady, you’re a creep. This season also gave us Ashley I., who I think is a total blessing to The Bachelor franchise.
2. JoJo Fletcher
I still don’t really believe JoJo is a real person. Who just looks like that and also has perfect boobs? We’ll call it witchcraft. Even though you could kind of tell that JoJo was going to choose Aaron Rodgers’ little brother from the beginning, her season was still pretty captivating. This is the season that gave us THE CHAD, for chrissakes. Also, her final four was pretty decent, and by decent I mean hot. Good for JoJo.
1. Ben Higgins
Do I maybe have a huge crush on Ben Higgins? Of course I do. Everyone does. He’s like the boy next door. He somehow got dumped by Kaitlin yet wasn’t pathetic about it. He was also super nice to all of the women, letting them just fester in drama of their own making. The season gave us Olivia, who was the season’s villain and basically Corinne Lite. Ben also broke all the damn rules by telling both JoJo and Lauren B. that he loved them. I mean, that wasn’t the best move but it was definitely great television, and Jojo still hasn’t gotten over it, which is personally amusing for me.
The bachelorette party’s location is very important in determining how much fun it’s going to be. It’s like how nosebleed tickets are not equal to front row seats at Beyoncé—as your realtor mom likes to hammer into your head, it’s all about location location location. Like let’s not pretend bar hopping in Wichita is how you want to spend the eve of your maidenhood. So where’s a betchy place to go to black out with your besties in search of male attention before you’re legally bound to another human for the rest of your life? We’ve compiled a list of the betchiest places to celebrate your betchelorette.
Montreal is almost Paris, but it’s not as classy so you won’t feel bad when you black out and dance on tables. There’s cheap alcohol everywhere and people speak French, which is pretty hot. If you’re lucky you might even meet a real French bro, but we’re kind of crushing on Canada right now so even a Quebecois bro sounds pretty chill. Public transportation is really easy in Montreal so you can all fly in from different places without worrying about needing a car. Bars and clubs stay open til 4 or 5 there, so you can get optimal time to do shit you regret that you’ll never talk about again. Plus poutine is like regular fries on crack. And you’ll be in the same country as Justin Trudeau. Need we say more?!?
9. New York
New York is obvs one of the best nightlife cities in the country. The only reason it’s not higher on the list is because everyone’s fucking been there or lived there already. There’s too many options in New York for everything, so having a bachelorette party there with 12 drunk girls’ opinions is not going to be fun by 10pm. The plus side of having your bachelorette in New York is that everything stays open super late, including restaurants and diners, so you can actually see the sunrise and fill up on pancakes after a night out. You can do the best of everything here, so if you’re in a group that wants to do more than just drink, you can see comedy, a musical, a concert, or whatever lame shit you’re into.
8. Dewey Beach
If you’re really looking for a throwback to college before you embrace adulthood, Dewey is perfect. It’s trashy in just the right way. Someone will end up doing body shots or making out with a cop, and you’ll def leave with good stories. Plus it’s on the beach, so you can take your wedding bod for a test spin and work on your tan.
Miami is like New York but without the three piece suits and instead with brighter colors and more Cuban people. Miami is great if you want to dance because basically every rap song you like dancing to probably shot its music video there (or Atlanta). There’s literally a diet named after the beach here, so if you need thinspiration before you put on your wedding dress, what better place than the city of Instagram models?
6. Cabo San Lucas
Anywhere you can drink at a swim up bar for cheap is pretty betchy, but Cabo is def a top pick because it’s just so well suited for large groups. If you haven’t already been here for Spring Break, it’ll be easy to organize a bachelorette here considering the city’s whole MO is Spring Break and Bachelor/Bachelorette parties. You can also plan activities during the day like snorkeling or swimming with dolphins, so you have some photos you can show your fiancé and your family without feeling any shame.
Betches love wine, so why not go to Napa where you can literally watch it get made and drink for free in a sundress? You should def coordinate private tours at some of the more exclusive wineries, because that’s where you’ll get the best VIP treatement. Plus obviously you get drunk during the day, so you don’t even have to stay up past midnight if you don’t want to. You can also drive down to San Francisco and get a hotel there to go out after a day of wine tasting—a city where there are so many eligible bachelors, they fly hot girls out to balance the ratio out.
4. Myrtle Beach/Palm Springs
These two are tied depending on where you live in the country. If you’re on the East Coast, Myrtle Beach is def a top choice. If you’re a West Coast betch, Palm Springs is a good alternative to Vegas and easy to get to. They’re def resort towns, which means the whole city is in chill vaca mode and will be full of good vibes. You can plan activities or just day drink on a resort. Liquor is cheap and there isn’t much you can get into fights about as a group considering there’s only two things to do in these places: drink and chill.
There’s a reason Aziz and Rachel picked Nashville for their last minute trip in Master of None. Plus we love Connie Britton in Nashville the show, so that should be reason enough to go. Nashville (the city, I’m getting confused now) has a great nightlife and plenty of hot southern bros. Everyone from Miley to Shania started their careers here, so why not start your married life by partying here?
2. Las Vegas
I mean Vegas is obvs high up on the bachelorette locations list, if not just for the free shit you’ll get as a group of hot girls there. You can roll up to a club in a limo after an all expenses paid meal without spending a dime. Anything goes here, which is the kind of place you want to go while you’re still single. Just don’t get too excited and marry a stranger or the guy who had a crush on you in high school and you’re good.
1. New Orleans
Forget about La La Land, the real jazz is here. New Orleans is a city where people fly in for a parade every year, and alcohol is cheap AND you can legally drink it in the streets! Everything stays open all night and you’ll meet so many people you might need to expand your guest list after bonding with strangers partying. Plus it’s just a cool city to visit even without a bachelorette party, so everyone will be secretly happy they’re spending money on a vacation they’d actually enjoy regularly. There’s a reason the Vanderpump Rules girls did Katie’s bachelorette in New Orleans, and it’s not just because Stassi’s an expert manipulator who always gets what she wants—although that was a large reason tbh.
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