I think we can all agree that 2017 was like that drunk friend who didn’t know when to quit before killing the internet puking in the cab or starting a Twitter feud with someone who def has weapons of mass destruction drunk dialing their ex. So, yeah, it’s been like, v exhausting to keep up with this year. That said, the one thing we actually didn’t fuck up too much was hair trends, because I guess something in this world is still sacred. In fact, I had a hard time deciding which trends would make it into my burn book this year. Now, does that mean I’m not still going to drag anyone who I felt even slightly personally victimized me with their haircut? Hell no. I need to end the year how I started it: by publicly shaming people I don’t actually know. So, here are the worst hair trends of 2017, and here’s hoping they die a quick and painful death in the new year.
1. Rainbow Roots
Ah, yes, because I’ve always wanted my hair to resemble a preschooler’s art project. I guess we have Australia to thank for this atrocity since patient zero the person who came down from an acid trip mid-hair appointment and started this trend hailed from the Blondies of Melbourne Salon. I mean, is this the universe’s way of balancing out the scales since Australia also gave us the Hemsworth brothers? Because that’s literally the only reasonable explanation for this trend starting: karmic payback.
2. The Comb Over
Similar to how racism, homophobia, and sexual harassment made a comeback at the beginning of 2017, so too did the comb over! Crazy how that happens sometimes. I guess nothing says “sex appeal” like systematic discrimination hair that’s strategically placed to hide baldness. Here’s hoping there’s an impeachment this trend dies along with the presidency that encouraged it. I won’t hold my breath, though.
3. Cinnamon Hair
Do I hate this hair color trend only because it’s associated with a person who agitates the fuck out of me on a daily basis with her Instagram stories? That’s certainly part of it. Pinterest and people who orgasm from just the smell of a PSL are absolutely to blame for this hair color becoming a thing this fall, and it’s a sin that can’t be forgiven.
4. Glitter Roots
Apparently fucking with your roots was right up there with being extra AF with your eyebrows, because people could not leave them well enough alone this year. I didn’t realize that 2017 would be the year that I’d have to explain why people wanted to walk around with iridescent dandruff, but you learn something new every day.
5. The Perm
So awhile back we may have said that perms were the next big hair trend for 2017, the immediate result of that article being that my mother acted smug AF in the family group chat and also that Taylor Swift made this look her own decided to ruin it. Apparently Taylor doesn’t want us to have nice things, because she brought out her own version of the perm for her Reputation album and it was… absolutely heinous really hard to look at. I’m calling it rn, 2018 will be the year we see a massive amount of 14-year-old girls rocking permed bangs in school photos—something they’re 100 percent going to feel a large amount of self loathing for about a few years later.
I have had it up to here *gestures to practically empty wine bottle* with high schoolers and beauty bloggers on Instagram trying to trend-set the weirdest shit they can Google. I mean, tattooing fake freckles on your face? Lisa Frank makeup? Super long hair extensions? Fine, I get that one. Celebs are doing it and celebs are really just 14-year-olds with massive bank accounts. But this latest one, rainbow hair roots? I’m all about switching up your look but I draw a firm line at hair that rivals a preschooler’s artwork.
Rainbow roots are apparently the latest in spring hair trends and I would bet my unnecessarily complicated Starbucks drink order that mermaid- and unicorn-obsessed hipsters are at the forefront of this trend. This is what it looks like (brace yourselves):
And the worst part is the internet actually seems to be into this look. DON’T FALL FOR THE HIPSTER PROPAGANDA, PEOPLE. I mean, can you imagine if someone you know and love showed up to brunch with hair like this? Shudders.
For once America isn’t the one fucking up starting an asinine hair trend. Instead we have the Aussies to blame for this, specifically the blondies of Melbourne Salon. It seems impossible that the same country that brought us the Hemsworth brothers could also be responsible for starting this hair monstrosity, but since they’ve literally started nothing else it kind of makes sense (stop trying to make Vegemite happen).
In what I can only assume was some sort of Regina George Plastics hazing ritual gone awry, the Blondies of Melbourne managed to convince some poor lower-level client (I assume) to play guinea pig for them while they presented to the world the modern day Ronald McDonald look (FYI that’s the only name I’ll refer to this hair trend by from here on out). In an Instagram hair tutorial that went viral, the Aussie’s took their victim client from pixie cut to hair that says “my employer definitely thinks I’m on acid.”
Hidden Rainbow Roots: The Latest Hair Color Trend to Lose Your Mind Over https://t.co/4T6P2oQzPf pic.twitter.com/kwf9xXTk4d
— Cosmopolitan (@Cosmopolitan) March 28, 2017
If you’re attempting this look because A) you’re having a quarter life crisis and want to fit in with the youths or B) you want to start shit with me on Instagram, then for the love of god do not attempt this look at home. You will fuck it up and I will not hesitate to anonymously blast you for it online from the safety of my home.
You should consult your stylist—and also maybe your therapist—immediately before considering this look. The look itself is a pretty easy process. Stylists bleach just the roots of your hair and then apply a variety of colors in a fuck me up fam “rainbow-like” manner, leaving the top layers untouched. The result being subtle on the outside, batshit on the inside. A description taken directly from my Bumble profile. Something to keep in mind before taking on this look is that growing out the dye will be a bitch. But something tells me that the type of person who takes on this hair trend is also the type of person who takes on other time-consuming projects like clean eating and turning fuckboys into boyfriend material. LOL.
Beauty experts are calling this the “perfect look” for Bonnaroo or Coachella this summer, but I’m calling it perfect fodder for your future children to mercilessly mock you with. Better get on this trend quick because I have a feeling it’s going to fade faster than your vacation Instagram story.
