Welcome to the 2020 Golden Globes! While us normos are actively avoiding any human interaction after three weeks of non-stop partying and soul-crushing fights with our family members, Hollywood is getting together for yet another rager. Well, technically it’s an award show, but what would you call a night filled with 1,500 bottles of champagne, rambling monologues, awkward run-ins with exes, that all ends with a trip to a fast food joint? That’s what I thought.
This year, the Golden Globes were hosted by Ricky Gervais, marking the fifth time he’s held the honor, and his first time hosting since 2016. Now, I’m a fan of Ricky because at his best he is scathing, and at his worst he makes everyone so uncomfortable you can actually physically feel the hatred emanating off of them, and that’s a reaction I’m very used to. What can I say, you like what you know. But I can understand if he’s not your cup of tea. Well, I can’t, but one of my New Year’s resolutions was to be more understanding and it’s only January 6th, so I’m being magnanimous. You’re welcome. Anyway, this year he was better than I could have even imagined. Ricky immediately came for the people who hired him, called everyone in the room dumb perverts, and made a “Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself” joke. If that wasn’t 90% of you after three cocktails at your office holiday party, then you’re lying.
Ricky Gervais 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 pic.twitter.com/z4LxMWj9ev
— Jack McGuire (@JackMacCFB) January 6, 2020
Ricky started the show off super strong, and it only got more preachy bonkers from there. So instead of a full recap, which none of us have time for unless you were fired after said office holiday party, I’ve broken the show into highs and lows. Let’s get to it!
HIGHS
☆ I know I already talked about the monologue, but bear with me while I just say that Ricky throwing out the line, “It’s the last time, who cares” after every insult he slung at the HFPA is a level of who gives a sh*t that we should all aspire to. (Also, special shout-out to Ricky for calling out Leo DiCaprio’s refusal to date age-appropriate women.)
☆ In toasting the three nominations for Knives Out, Ricky Gervais took an easy shot at Cats, everyone’s least favorite movie of the year: “See what happens when you don’t dress people up as cats?” Boom. Roasted. Honestly, that’s gonna be my philosophy whenever I accomplish anything from now on.
☆ Ramy Youssef admitting during his acceptance speech for “Best Performance by an Actor – Comedy or Musical,” that no one knows who he is. Fine, I’m mostly including this because he’s from Jersey, HOW DO YOU ALL SEE THROUGH ME? Hooray, New Jersey! We will take over the world like we’ve been secretly plotting! Soon everyone will be referring to their hometown by their exit on the parkway mwahahaahahahhahah!
☆ Celebrities raising awareness for the bush fires in Australia. I legit think that’s the only reason they gave Russell Crowe an award, because no one I know even saw The Loudest Voice. If they wanted to watch Roger Ailes prey on women they just waited to see Charlize Theron in Megyn Kelly cosplay in Bombshell. But really, those fires are BAD. Please help if you can!
☆ Bill Hader and Rachel Bilson showing up on the red carpet together for the first time. If you’re not watching Barry, you’re missing out on one of the best dark comedies on TV, plus you’ve yet to realize that Bill Hader is stealthily hot. And Summer Roberts deserves her happy ending. I stan.
☆ Just like at the Emmys, Fleabag won the Best Comedy Series, and Phoebe Waller-Bridge won Best Actress for her performance. These were some of the least surprising wins of the night, but sometimes the best show wins for a reason. Now that Fleabag is over, I can’t wait to see what Phoebe does next, because the world is truly her oyster. When will the world be my oyster?
☆ Succession wins! Succession won best drama and Brian Cox aka Logan Roy aka possibly the most mentally abusive father in America won Best Actor. Damn, that show is good. I actually screamed at the end of the second season when something insane happens that I won’t mention here, because I don’t want to get lit up in the comments over spoiling something that ended months ago. So I won’t spoil it, but WATCH IT ALREADY. And we were BLESSED that Brian Cox won because it allowed us the absolute best moment of the night, a Jason Momoa in a tank top sighting. It’s like someone knew we needed to start 2020 out that way.
My sexual orientation is Jason Momoa in a tank top at the Golden Globes pic.twitter.com/h0wwCl47Oa
— Sam Stryker (@sbstryker) January 6, 2020
☆ Kate McKinnon presenting the Carol Burnett award to Ellen. It was heartfelt, inspiring, and also funny. However, I was confused when Ellen said that people tell her that her show inspires them to go out every day and help people, and that’s what TV should do. The TV I watch inspires me to go out there and mercilessly mock Florida. Am I watching the wrong things?
☆ Brad Pitt’s face. Whoever is keeping Brad looking this refreshed is doing a fantastic job. It looks natural even though I know it’s not, and he could get it over Leo ANY. DAY. Fight me.
☆ While introducing Jojo Rabbit, Sacha Baron Cohen joked that Mark Zuckerberg is a “naive, misguided child who spreads Nazi propaganda.” LMAO. Where is the lie? Why do I feel like Sacha wrote that one himself? This definitely made some people in the room uncomfortable, but none of the other presenters had material that good.
Sacha Baron Cohen just roasted Mark Zuckerberg. #GoldenGlobes pic.twitter.com/lc4m9WiTgc
— Lights, Camera, Pod (@LightsCameraPod) January 6, 2020
☆ Tom Hanks. Man, has that guy been in a lot of great movies. And THE EMOTION. Over his family. And he has a kid who is a white rapper and goes by the name Chet Haze! And he still loves them! For that alone he deserves an award.
☆ The cameraman who was smart enough to cutaway to Jennifer Aniston during Brad Pitt’s acceptance speech. I know some of you might be over this love triangle, but I didn’t invent it, and the media has made me invested in it for over half my life, so thank you, sir, for rewarding all the time and dedication I have put into this relationship. Now, if only her reaction had been more scandalous. We’ll have to work on that for next year, Jen.
☆ Also, Brad Pitt for acknowledging what we all know to be true, Leo COULD HAVE FIT ON THE DOOR and that Kate Winslet is a cold-blooded murderer. I also liked what he said about being kind to someone tomorrow. And I will, tomorrow! Today I have to write this recap.
☆ Awkwafina won Best Actress for her heartbreaking performance in The Farewell, and her acceptance speech was as funny as you’d expect. When she said “I told you I’d get a job, dad,” I really felt that. Way to stick it to dads everywhere that begged us to just be accountants.
☆ So I was about to put Joaquin Phoenix’s win on the “lows” list because I find him exhausting, pompous, and a little crazy behind the eyes, but then he called out everyone in the room for being hypocrites and I shrieked. Stop preaching about climate change and then hopping on your private jets, assholes! I loved it. Good luck at the after parties, Joaquin. Leo is not going to be happy.
Joaquin Phoenix did seem quite drunk BUT telling a room full of famous people to stop taking private jets to Palm Springs….you DO love to see it #GoldenGlobes
— Tyler McCall (@eiffeltyler) January 6, 2020
☆ Michelle Williams won for her performance in Fosse/Verdon, and she used her speech as an opportunity to speak out on the importance of women’s rights, especially when it comes to abortion. She’s known for keeping her personal life very private, so to hear her speak so passionately was truly a special moment.
LOWS
☆ WHERE WAS LITTLE WOMEN?!! This movie was beautiful. I laughed, I cried, I remembered how much this story meant to someone like me, who fancies herself a writer. And the HFPA couldn’t give a sh*t about this movie. Couldn’t fathom how it would be important. Barely nominated it. It makes me believe everything Ricky Gervais said about them. Oscars, your move. Are you going to make me call you sexist trash bags, too?
☆ WTF was J.Lo wearing? Girl, we already know you’re a gift, you didn’t have to dress like the Christmas wrapping paper my mom bought at Paper Source on January 1st for 60% off.
☆ Laura Dern’s acceptance speech. I mean, she was funny, and charming, and she looked gorgeous, but the whole thing was hijacked by Gwyneth Paltrow’s ass. Come on, cameraman. We know she looked hot, but this is about Laura! Maybe film the winner’s acceptance speech from the front next time, and Google pictures of Gwyneth’s body at home later on your free time. This is your job, cameraman!
☆ Pairing Amy Poehler and Taylor Swift as presenters was BRILLIANT, because as you will remember, one of the years that Tina and Amy hosted the show they made a joke about Taylor Swift dating younger guys, and she responded later saying “there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t support other women.” Which is something I still laugh about to this day because it was such an overreaction. But this presentation was a missed opportunity. They didn’t even address it! I couldn’t even tell you what they presented, that was how boring it was. The fact that they didn’t take advantage of this pairing just made it pointless. I know you had something to say Amy, YOU SHOULD HAVE.
☆ Jason Momoa put his jacket back on to present.
☆ I find it unbelievable that Unbelievable didn’t win anything. As a true crime junkie, I can honestly say that that series was a cut above the rest of the genre, and Kaitlyn, Merritt, and Toni each gave heart-wrenching performances. And seriously, WHO IS WATCHING CHERNOBYL?!
☆ Another year where the best actor in a musical/comedy was from a musical biopic. I love Taron Egerton, but if he was going to win for anything it obviously should have been Kingsman. It takes great talent to play a character named Eggsy without laughing.
☆ The presenters. As I mentioned earlier, they were all kind of nothing-burgers. Was Tom Hanks passing around his cold medicine at the pre-show?
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood winning multiple awards, proving once again that Hollywood loves nothing more than to jerk itself off.
That Pierce Brosnan’s sons, this year’s Golden Globe Ambassadors, were nowhere near as hot as Pierce Brosnan.
The length. Over 3 hours?!?! Did I spend 11 hours binging the entire season of Spinning Out just yesterday? Yes, but what’s your point?
At that’s all folks! Have a good day! As Ricky says, get drunk, take your drugs! Happy New Year!
Images: Jackmacdfb ,sbstryker, lightscamerapod, eiffeltyler/Twitter; enews, betches/Instagram; Giphy
Honestly, every single Bachelor alum needs to chill out. This morning, I was in the middle of writing an article about how Mike Johnson is hanging out with Demi Lovato, when someone sent me a brand new story about how Nick Viall and Rachel Bilson might be a thing. It’s a tough time when I have to interrupt thinking about Bachelor Nation’s next power couple to think about Bachelor Nation’s next next power couple. Seriously, it’s too much.
Out of all the Bachelor guys who have been linked to more famous women, Nick might make the most sense. After his appearance on four different Bachelor shows, he’s one of the best-known people in the franchise, and he’s always had kind of a celeb energy. He even dated January Jones, way back when Tyler Cameron was just a twinkle in Gigi Hadid’s eye.
But in the year and a half since Nick and January split up, he’s mostly just been single. Enter: Rachel Bilson. In the past, she famously dated her The OC costar Adam Brody, and she was engaged to Hayden Christensen until approximately two years ago. Since then, she’s kept her personal life low-key, and we don’t really know anything about who she’s been seeing for the last couple of years.
Back in July, Rachel Bilson was a guest on Nick’s podcast The Viall Files, which wasn’t really suspicious. He often has pretty good guests, and their conversation didn’t suggest that they were dating. Rachel said that she was dating, but hadn’t met anyone that she would introduce to her daughter. She said that “It would have to be a very serious relationship,” and that it’s a major red flag for her if a guy doesn’t seem enthusiastic about her daughter.
Her podcast appearance itself didn’t raise a lot of questions, but Nick’s Instagram post about the episode definitely made me raise an eyebrow.
How dare he tease us with a caption about fantasy suites?! This is unacceptable! But while Nick’s caption was funny, Rachel’s comment on the post sent me into a full-blown stress spiral.
Oh. My. God. The thing is, this could purely be two friends joking around, or it could be public foreplay. The flirty comments worked for Mike and Demi! While this happened a couple months ago, these two have still been interacting on Instagram more recently. Nick comments on a lot of her photos, and he commented on her most recent pic this weekend.
Most of Nick’s comments 0n Rachel’s photos are like this. It’s the kind of thing a middle school boy would say to his crush, and then she’s not sure if he hates her or wants to be her boyfriend. Honestly, this checks out for Nick Viall, because I feel like he exudes the emotional maturity of a middle school boy.
While these comments aren’t enough to assume that they’re officially dating or anything, I could definitely see it happening. This stuff would be kind of typical if they were seeing each other, but wanted to keep it low-key. Because of her appearance on his podcast, they don’t have to keep it a secret that they know each other, and now we all have to keep guessing about whether something more is going on.
So yeah, Nick Viall and Rachel Bilson may or may not be dating, and at this point we just don’t know. At this point, I’m already on the look out for the next next next Bachelor/celeb pairing, because it’s only a matter of time. Will Blake date a country music star? Will someone date Scheana from Vanderpump Rules? It’s a new world, and these are just the rules now.
Images: Shutterstock; nickviall (2), rachelbilson / Instagram
August 5th is the 15th anniversary of the most important television show of all time: The O.C. The show premiered 15 years ago, so f*ck, we’re old. So here’s our take on what our favorite degenerates would be up to rn. We did it partially for #content, partially because we want a reboot since those are all the rage, and mostly because we want Mischa Barton to stop living off of unemployment checks because our girl needs a job.
Summer
Summer eventually went back to Brown after touring the country to encourage college kids to vote. She also got kicked out again for protesting Meat Mansion, a bro house at Brown that actually exists, for hosting offensively themed parties and getting the SWAT team called for getting too rowdy with it. Oh well. She ended up going on a vision quest with a Shaman in Peru that was life-changing—so life-changing that she decided to start her own lifestyle brand, à la Gwyneth Paltrow. While testing out a two month cleanse for her lifestyle site, she cut out Adderall and ended up growing six inches taller. Not bad considering Adderall is the only reason she got into Brown in the first place…
Oliver
Oliver eventually got out of Betty Ford. His parents bought him admission to St. Paul’s, an elite boarding school in New England that literally requires a giant paycheck as an application. He then went on to Harvard, which requires a 2.5 GPA at St Paul’s and another giant paycheck for admission. He studied government and went on to join the Trump administration. He spent enough time on the creepy underbelly of the internet to know to invest in bitcoin and is an active participant in incel Reddit. He now is the proud owner of Bentley’s very first van that is totally not for kidnapping unsuspecting women. He lovingly calls it the “ski lodge” because of all the cocaine that’s done there and has a “Saturdays Are For The Boys” flag as its only decoration because, like I said, he’s an incel.
Taylor Townsend
Who cares?
Kaitlyn
Kaitlyn ended up taking a “gap year” or three after graduating from Harbor because she was involved in the 2010 Bling Ring. She swindled her way out of jail time because she sold out Alexis Neiers, who was so strung out that she didn’t even do anything. Kaitlyn got probation as a plea bargain. Too edgy for California, Kaitlyn went off to Gallatin at NYU. Obviously, since it’s Gallatin, she didn’t go with the intention to study anything. She went to hang out with Cat Marnell and her friends. She ended up being the inspiration for the book White Girl Problems, but that didn’t even amount to any royalties for her. She never ended up graduating from NYU. Her only claim to fame is that she was the one that wrote that deluded Refinery29 money diaries article, and would like to thank Bullett for subsidizing her lavish lifestyle.
Marissa
Marissa ended up faking her own death—for the attention, of course. She, too, ended up moving to NYC to attend Parsons for some amorphous degree that really doesn’t have any value. While at Parsons, she interned at lifestyle website Guest of a Guest, where she’d attend New York Fashion Week parties, club openings, and galas. She ended up becoming editor-in-Cheif of one of those lifestyle websites for trust fund babies. But she delegated all of her duties to Cat Marnell wannabes, debutantes, and aspiring social media influencers while she yacht hops and travels around Europe with whatever sugar daddy she meets at NYC society events. Word is she and Serena van der Woodsen are starting a sweater line together.
Seth
Unlike Summer, Seth finished his degree in Rhode Island. He remained faithful to her the entire time. Except for that one time he got stoned, crashed a party at Meat Mansion, and ate an entire tray of sushi off of the human sushi platter the guys hired from Providence College. Seth and Summer moved to Silicon Valley to be near his parents. He helped Luke Carmichael start a dating app to date cougars.
Sandy and Kirsten
Sandy and Kirsten got bored with Berkley, because college students make any town suck after a while. So, they moved back to Orange County to pursue two of Sandy’s biggest passions: restaurants and eyebrows. With thicc eyebrows being in again, Sandy became Instagram famous and started his own eyebrow consultation business. He also started that restaurant that Caleb took away from him again. Andy Cohen stopped by while visiting a boy toy in the area and loved the restaurant. He also loved Sandy’s full eyebrows, luscious locks, and sassy attitude, and thought he would make an amazing male Lisa Vanderpump. So now Sandy Cohen and Kirsten have a Vanderpump Rules style reality show. So sad for a guy who was always hell-bent on never selling out, but come on, how could he not when his family and he always brought the drama?
Julie
Julie Cooper Nichol-nearly Cooper-almost Roberts-nearly Atwood-or-Bullett ended up not marrying Bullet (because he sucked) or Ryan’s dad (because that was creepy and also he sucked). She graduated from college with a degree in marketing because that’s what party girls get as degrees usually. She went to Seth to start a dating app for cougars, but as it turned out, Luke already started that app with Seth. It obviously led to a few dalliances with Luke, because as Buddha once said, “Once the d*ck enters any of your holes, it is very easy for it to re-enter.” (Okay, Lala Kent from Pump Rules said that). While in Silicon Valley visiting Luke, she met her dearest husband, who is some sort of tech billionaire. They moved to Monterey, where Julie made such an impression on the community that she will have a character based off of her in the next season of Big Little Lies.
Ryan
Ryan Attwood created a really successful real estate company where they built everything from low-income housing to offices to McMansions for the elite. He left to start a charity called “White Knights Anonymous,” which is when an affluent white chick with a coke problem and daddy issues presses a button whenever she’s in the slightest amount of trouble that she got herself into so that a former member of Seal Team 6 or Rumble boxing instructor can punch out their perpetrator while screaming “Welcome to the O.C., b*tch.” These volunteers are completely anonymous and when asked, “Who are you?” they are contractually obligated to answer, “Whoever you want me to be.” And if this leads to sex in a lifeguard shack, so be it. Ryan spends his free time taking care of his foster son and brooding.
Images: Giphy (4)
