We know most Bachelor and Bachelorette relationships aren’t built to last, but Rachel Lindsay and Bryan Abasolo say they’re doing just fine and plan on tying the knot official in 2018.
Rachel let Bryan off the leash for his first one-on-one interview since he “won by default” her season of The Bachelorette. He sat down to chat with Extra looking tan AF (like, maybe too tan?) and, spoiler alert, not wearing a red shirt. Do you think he got home from filming and subsequently burned all of his red shirts and sweaters after checking his mentions on Twitter? I do.
Anyway, Bryan says he and Rachel are on deck to get married “this year.” He added that in “2018, it’s gonna happen.” Of course, nothing is planned yet because “Rachel isn’t much of a planner.” Um, OK? Sorry if I have a hard time believing that a woman who went on a TV show for the sole purpose of finding a husband is not interested in meticulously planning a wedding. I feel like a wedding/marriage was the point of the whole thing, and 100% the reason she didn’t end up with Peter.
As for a TV wedding, Bryan said the couple would definitely be open to it since they started their journey on TV and blah blah blah. No, he didn’t mention that having an insanely huge and beautiful wedding with no out-of-pocket cost to the couple sounds like a fucking dream.
Until Rachel can get her shit together and plan a wedding, Bryan said the couple is currently living in Dallas and Rachel still works as a lawyer while he still works as a chiropractor. I mean, you’ve gotta give it up to the couple for not selling their souls to the Bachelor franchise. Even if they let ABC pay for their wedding, they still don’t count on the show for their paychecks. More power to them.
If you’ve been missing Rachel’s signature sass, you can spot her on at least one episode of The Bachelor Winter Games. Bryan said his fiancée will be at an elimination ceremony or some shit. He will not be joining her. Hey, at least now he doesn’t have to worry about her bumping into Peter while filming.
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If you’re enough of a card-carrying member of Bachelor Nation, you definitely follow at least a few of the former cast members on IG. If you give two shits about Rachel and Bryan, you know the couple has been flaunting their loooooove for each other all around New York City this week during Fashion Week.
Rachel spilled the deets on their relationship at the Badgley Mischka show, saying they don’t have plans to get married, yet. I mean, she did explicitly say on the show she wanted to be engaged at the end of it, and it’s not like she dumped the perfect guy for her because he didn’t want to get married right away, only for her to drag her feet about tying the knot with America’s second choice or anything…
Rach says she’s wrapping up her law practice in Texas because, you know, a lucrative law career is something you just grow out of. She and Bryan will be moving to California together to sell sunglasses on Instagram instead of maintaining real careers, I assume. I mean, it’s not like law school cost her three years of her life and tens of thousands of dollars to become a lawyer. I hear from sources my two friends in law school that the California BAR exam is one of the hardest to pass in the nation. IDK maybe she’ll practice in Cali, but that seems like a huge fucking maybe. And, I mean, would you want a woman who chose a guy with obvious cheek implants defending you in a court of law?
Anyway, back to fashion week. Would it be an annoying newly engaged gush session without showing off that giant-ass ring? OF COURSE FUCKING NOT. Rachel and Bryan were around to flash the 3-carat platinum teardrop Neil Lane diamond ring. Seems like a weird thing for Bryan to brag about since I’m pretty sure he spent zero dollars to buy it. I mean, if you get a diamond for free, does it even have any value anymore? Nah, I’m playing. It’s still fucking beautiful and I’m 100 percent jealous of it.
Here’s the real life bling @thebacheloretteabc @TheRachLindsay @BadgleyMischka with her fiancé @TheAbDoctor #NYFW pic.twitter.com/Q9sdG4CEc3
— Anne Bratskeir (@AnnieBrat) September 12, 2017
The couple likes to tell everyone they talk to that they’re “really happy”. You know, in case Peter was wondering, or anything like that.
If you didn’t read our Part 1 Bachelorette finale recap, stop what you’re doing and read it here!
Now that the Rose Ceremony we all knew the ending to is over, it’s time to finally get into the meat of this finale. Will she pick Bryan, or will she pick Peter? You think this will be like, your normal run-of-the-mill finale with a no-proposal fake-out wherein the person who wasn’t going to propose has a change of heart, but shit gets off the rails pretty fast.
Date With Bryan
A hot air balloon. Of course.
Bryan: I think it would be a mistake if you didn’t choose me.
Me: Wow I think the opposite but I guess that’s what makes this country of ours so great.
Okay the Spanish language book is actually kind of cute, but kissing Bryan literally looks like the seventh circle of hell to me. IDK if this assessment makes sense, but he just uses too much mouth. Wayyyy too much mouth.
At this point, I’m still team Peter, but all of that is about to change…
Date With Peter
Peter and Rachel have this green camo thing going on. I’ve never seen a couple that matches better in my life. Their faces match. Their clothes match. Their stubborn unwillingness to compromise on matters of the heart match. It all matches.
Rachel has ditched the vampire look and is better for it. Maybe she’s feeling less murderous?
The two are literally at a church with a priest. Hmmm…seems like The Bachelorette producers are trying to tell Peter something, but…I can’t put my finger on what.
First clue that Peter is not on the up-and-up: He uses the phrase “feelings of love” too much and sounds like a fucking alien.
Spanish Priest They Paid To Tell Peter To Marry Rachel: It is very important to remember not to give importance to things that are not important.
Bach Producers: WE DID NOT PAY YOU FOR RIDDLES, PADRE!
Okay, so, the life that Peter describes living with Rachel sounds like an elderly gay couple’s dream. Wine night with painting? How old is Peter, actually? Y’all are in your thirties, you’re not fucking dead.
Peter: I need to figure out if I love you.
Rachel: Um yeah that would be great.
This is the moment where we all come to a stunning realization: Peter is fuckboy-ing Rachel. Rachel, our beautiful, sassy, attorney Rachel, is being fuckboy-ed on her own season of The Bachelorette.
Rachel: One minute he tells me he wants to plan this future with me, and the next he says he can’t commit. I don’t know what’s going on.
Me: **eyes roll back in my head and images all the fuckboys I’ve known in my life flash before me** Oh no…
Peter and Rachel are matching for a second day in a row. How is this happening? I guess they both look good in green?
Peter: I’m still not ready.
Rachel: Then by the power vested in me as the First Black Bachelorette, I hereby banish you to fuckboy hell, to live out your days in a CrossFit gym Hades.
Me: Wait…did they just break up? Before the Rose Ceremony? What is happening? Does this mean Bryan wins? DOES BRYAN FUCKING WIN!?!?
Accurate representation of me realizing that Rachel and Peter legit just broke up before the final Rose Ceremony and that means Bryan is going to win:
After The Final Rose With Peter
You know, after watching Lee literally turn inside-out with awkwardness while being called a racist in the Men Tell All, I thought there is simply no way The Bachelorette could make me any more uncomfortable. Then Peter and Rachel happened.
Rachel is so obviously furious that Peter didn’t just propose so she doesn’t have to be with Bryan. Her anger literally made my Chromecast overheat.
“I’m not angry.” — Rachel, literally seething with rage.
Rachel finally gets to the point: If you feel this way about marriage, you should not be on The fucking Bachelorette. She’s not wrong.
“I’m living my best life.” — Rachel, trying to choke down vomit while thinking about her future answering 100 phone calls a day from Bryan’s mom and paying for cheek maintenance with her lawyer’s salary.
THIS IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE.
THIS WHOLE SEASON HAS BEEN SO UNCOMFORTABLE, WHY???
Peter: I feel attacked.
Me: SAME.
If we, the audience, got anything out of this interaction, it’s that the new power move is leaving your eyelashes behind at a fuckboy’s apartment as a reminder of who the damn boss is around here.
“I walked past your eyelashes on the floor for two days.” — Peter, a 31 year-old man who leaves nasty eye trash on the floor of his bedroom for days on end.
At this point I’m just like, this could go anywhere. Is Kevin Durant gonna show up and steal her at the last minute? I would not be surprised.
The Final Rose Ceremony
They’re trying to make it seem like Rachel might not accept Bryan’s proposal, but we all know the truth: Rachel wants a ring so bad she’ll marry Alvin the chipmunk to get one. It’s her fatal flaw.
All of this craziness reminds me that Rachel was, at one point, in love with Nick Viall. Homegirl does not have the best judgment. You know, come to think of it, Rachel never seemed as into any of these dudes as she was into Nick, and Nick never really seemed to like Vanessa as much as he liked Rachel. WAS NICK VIALL THE ONE ALL ALONG?!? Once again:
Bryan has no clue any of this was gonna happen. He literally has no idea that he already won, or that he didn’t really win because everyone knows who Rachel really wanted.
Of course, Rachel accepts Bryan’s proposal.
Rachel: Will you accept this rose?
Me: **deep, earth-shattering, sadness overtakes me and I take a long sip of wine to balance it out**
Well I hope you’re happy Rachel, you got your ring.
Rachel: I’m your what?
Bryan: Fiancée.
Rachel: Good. Now never speak to me again.
I can’t help but think: How is Bryan going to feel now that he’s seen the episode?!? She literally did everything but grab Peter by the face and scream, “I DON’T WANT TO MARRY BRYAN” until he agreed to propose.
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After The Final Rose With Bryan
If Bryan has any inclination that his new fiancée is literally still furious over losing Peter, he gives no indication.
I feel like that second proposal was his way of being like, “Wait, you still want to marry me after seeing Peter again, right?”
Bryan: **gets down on one knee**
Rachel: Oh sweet Jesus don’t make me have to do this shit again.
“We’re not putting any pressure on it. We’re just trying to build a normal relationship.” — Bachelorette code for, “We will quietly breakup in about a year once we’ve secured all of our Fit Tea endorsements.”
Lol Rachel had better get used to talking to Bryan’s mom on the phone because I have a feeling she’s one of those “call every day with suggestions about how to be a better housewife” type of ladies.
Wow, you know, I honestly think the most worthwhile thing out of that entire three hours was getting to see sweet Dean again in the BiP preview. Honestly, if I wanted to feel this level of shock and deep national shame, I’d rewatch the poll returns from the 2016 election. If Dean wasn’t going to be in BiP, I’d boycott, but he is soooo….
See you guys in Paradise!
