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The first of the month is a tricky time, because on the one hand, I’m getting paid, but on the other, my rent is due. Luckily, my rent check doesn’t manage to find its way to my landlord until around 9am, which is four hours after my direct deposit hits, so I’m rich for approximately four hours. It’s the little things. Anyway, let’s be real, we all love the start of a new month because it means new Netflix content, and by content, I mean the ninth season of Shameless and about 100 other shows/movies. An updated Netflix homepage is always exciting, but it’s especially so in September, because it will give you something to do when your friends ask if you want to go apple picking and you realize you’d actually rather rip your eyelashes out one by one. Seriously, if Instagram didn’t exist, would anyone over the age of seven go apple picking?? I digress.
Because Netflix is adding more content to their platform than my sister-in-law to her Instagram story during her bachelorette weekend, I’m going to save you some time and let y’all know which shows/movies are actually worth watching. Full disclosure, after admitting that I thought Tower Heist was a quality film back in the day, I’ve since been accused of having bad taste, so take this list with a grain of salt. Here we go!
Honestly, I blame my test in men on this movie. Like, why couldn’t Patrick Bateman be ugly? If you haven’t seen this movie, now is your moment, because it’s early 2000s amazing. To sum it up, American Psycho is a documentary about mental health. Jokes! It’s a thriller that, tbh, is pretty funny because it’s basically Bruce Wayne’s life if he didn’t become Batman. Does that makes sense? All in all, this is a great movie for any occasion and if any of your friends protest, they should not be a part of your life. That’s all I have to say.
‘The Walking Dead: Season 9’
Look, zombies just aren’t my thing. Sorry if that offends anyone. Obviously this show is good, though, since it has almost as many seasons as Friends! If this also doesn’t sound like your jam, maybe this helpful description from IMDB can change your mind: The Walking Dead tells the story of the months and years that follow after a zombie apocalypse. It follows a group of survivors, led by former police officer Rick Grimes, who travel in search of a safe and secure home. Well? Are you sold?
I mean, is there a movie better than Superbad? Anyone? Bueller? What I love most about it, aside from the period pants scene, is the fact that none of the stars were that famous when it was made. Like, Bill Hader had played very minor parts in a bunch of sh*t I’ve never heard of, Jonah Hill’s only claim to fame (kind of) was the teen version of Adam Sandler’s creepy son in Click, and two roles before her stint on Superbad, Emma Stone guest starred in an episode of The Suite Life of Zack & f*cking Cody. My mind is truly blown. Anyway, the fact that this movie is so amazing even though it stars Michael “Whiney Boy” Cera essentially playing himself is a tribute to quality films everywhere. If the whole McLovin storyline was taken out, this movie would be like a more realistic version of Project X. My point is that Superbad is a great example of a perfect movie. Watch it.
‘Shameless: Season 9′
Emmy Rossum in Shameless is legit my spirit animal. She’s obv the definition of a hot mess, but I love her for it. Remember that time she left her cocaine out and her toddler brother subsequently had a bad trip and she ended up in jail for approximately one week? Same. This show is very complicated and has as many layers as it does members of the Gallagher family, so explaining what it’s about is kind of hard, but I’ll try. There are six kids and one deadbeat dad, Frank Gallagher, living the good life in the South Side. You know how when you rewatch Game of Thrones, you temporarily lose your mind when you realize that Arya, Bran, and Joffrey (ew, bye) were all legit children when the show started? Shameless is like that. And that is the only thing that Game of Thrones and Shameless have in common! It’s a great show because it’s funny and dramatic, so if you want to laugh and cry a the same thing, Shameless is for you.
‘Hello Privilege. It’s Me, Chelsea.’
There is only one person who can get away with a title like this, and her name is Chelsea Handler. There isn’t much info on this, so I will say what Wikipedia, my most quoted source in college essays, said about it: “Hello Privilege. It’s Me, Chelsea is an upcoming 2019 documentary directed by Alex Stapleton and starring Chelsea Handler. The premise revolves around examining the concept of ‘White privilege,’ the societal privilege that benefits white people over non-white people.” A little racy for the times in which we live? Seems that way, but knowing my girl Chelsea, she’s going to make it funny.
‘Surviving R. Kelly: Season 1’
Like “Trapped in the Closet”, the R. Kelly documentary has a few parts. The similarities end there, aside from their involvement with R. Kelly. The documentary is a very vivid detailing of the sexual abuse allegations against the rapper/singer/alleged sex cult leader, so watch at your own risk. It’s obviously a very timely documentary considering the #MeToo movement is still very relevant, and it got amazing reviews. This is a must-watch.
‘American Horror Story: Apocalypse’
Truth be told, I cannot handle anything even remotely scary. Don’t believe me? I couldn’t make it through Pirates of the Caribbean three years ago when I was 23. So you can imagine just how many times I sh*t myself when a friend forced me to watch the Asylum season of this show over Memorial Day weekend. It was f*cking terrifying, and I can’t picture just how gut-wrenching the other seasons are. I refuse to watch them, but here’s what I know about Apocalypse: It revolves around some sort of nuclear explosion and is a crossover between seasons one and three of this godforsaken show. I started to read the Wikipedia episode summaries, but got too freaked out after the third one, so all I can tell you is that the apocalypse happens and the prettiest members of society are chosen to be saved…for now. K.
‘My Sister’s Keeper’
If you want to cry and never stop, watch this movie. It’s based on the Jodi Picoult book about a teenage girl, Kate, with a fatal cancer diagnosis. Not to worry, her parents try to save her by designing their third child, Anna, to be medically compatible with her dying sister so that doctors can take her blood, bone marrow, organs, happiness and give them to Kate. Just fun sister things! As you can imagine, this movie is sad af and Cameron Diaz deserves an award for it. I haven’t seen it since it came out 10 years ago (f*ck, I feel old), but the two things I remember about it are the fact that the movie ending is the complete opposite of the book ending, and that Kate had a v promising future as a professional scrapbooker. Did I just ruin the whole movie? My b.
‘Eat, Pray, Love’
I’m just going to say it: this was no one’s favorite movie, because we expect Pretty Woman energy from Julia Roberts at all times. She’s kind of whiney in this “watch me find myself while I blow all my money on exotic journeys” story. It’s the kind of movie you’d watch if you’ve already seen all you’ve wanted to see on Netflix, but it’s only 9pm and you need to watch something. I respect her food choices and the blond hair, but that’s about it.
‘The Great British Baking Show’
I better speak for all of us when I say HELL F*CKING YEA, FINALLY! If you are not watching The Great British Baking Show, I literally don’t know what you are doing with your life. Here’s how I describe this show to literally everyone: it’s the opposite of every American cooking competition show. Everyone is nice to each other, there is no sabotage (in fact, the contestants know ahead of time what the challenges will be so they can practice at home), and the format of every episode is exactly the same. It’s incredibly wholesome content, and a 10/10. Starting August 30, new episodes will drop on Netflix every Friday.
To end on a sad note, there are a few gems leaving Netflix this September. Batman Begins will bid us adieu, which I guess is okay since we get another prime Christian Bale movie? The best disney cartoon, Hercules, will also be peacing out in September and I am genuinely bummed about it. After just a few months, Magic Mike will be body rolling off Netflix and hopefully onto Amazon Prime or Hulu because I am not ready to say goodbye to him yet. Music & Lyrics, Mulan, the opposite of Titanic AKA Revolutionary Road, and The Hangover are also leaving Netflix to go apple-picking this September. It’s been real, but I’m very much down for the new shows/movies to stream!
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (6)
If you’ve spent any time on the internet in the past, um, decade, you probably know that R. Kelly is a trash human with a horrifying track record of mistreating women. From his illegal marriage to Aaliyah when she was 15 to peeing on a 14-year-old to the truly wild sex cult story, it seems pretty apparent that he’s not a great guy. He should’ve been fully canceled long ago, but for some reason (because people lose their minds for the “Ignition” remix), he still hasn’t been fully canceled. On Monday, he tried fighting back at the haters, in the form of a 19-minute song that was only released on SoundCloud.
There’s really no reason you should waste 19 minutes of your life listening to this boring mess of a song, because I already did, and I’m going to break it down for you. First of all, no song in the world ever needs to be this long. It’s really just lazy. Instead of being creative and making, like, six different songs, R. Kelly just picked one beat and did for like, 14 verses in a row. This is like the musical version of when I had to write a 15-page paper in college and only had enough material for four pages. The main difference? My professor was going to fail me if I didn’t hit 15 pages, while literally no one cares about how long R. Kelly’s new song is.
The song is called “I Admit,” which is obviously supposed to be a provocative title. You’d think he’s going to own up to all of the crazy accusations over the years, but you’d be wrong. He addresses everything, but he clearly still has a lot of issues with saying he’s done anything wrong. He does admit to lots of other things, and here are some of my favorites:
“I admit I love Steve Harvey”
“I admit that she was underage. I admit that I was feeling her and she was feeling me.”
“I admit they love me to talk dirty when I pull they hair.”
“I admit I loved Hugh Hefner.”
“I admit that I’ve told the truth.”
I’ve gotta say, it makes total sense that R. Kelly’s idols include Steve Harvey and Hugh Hefner. I mean, what did I expect, Ruth Bader Ginsburg? The part about the girl being underage could refer to literally so many different incidents, because R. Kelly’s favorite trait in a woman is her being younger than 18. And speaking of telling the truth, let’s get into the parts of the song where he addresses some of the serious allegations made against him.
First, R. Kelly having sex with minors:
“I admit I f*ck with all the ladies, that’s both older and young ladies (ladies, yeah)
But tell me how they call it pedophile because that sh*t is crazy (crazy)
You may have your opinions, entitled to your opinions (opinions)
But really am I supposed to go to jail or lose my career because of your opinion”
Ah yes, opinions. Personally, I don’t feel that adult men should be having sex with 14-year-olds, but that’s just my opinion. Funny enough, it’s also the opinion of THE LITERAL LAW, but somehow R. Kelly hasn’t wound up in prison for any of this yet. Also, Kels, we call it “pedophile” because it is the DICTIONARY DEFINITION OF THE WORD. Lord, this man is something else.
Now let’s get into some of the really fun stuff.
“But I admit that she asked me, can I get a little Hennessy? (yeah)
We both turned off our phone, we drinked, I smoked, we talked
I admit that I tore it off (our phone, we talked, it off)
From my good points to my faults (faults)
She said ‘What about Aaliyah?’
She said ‘What about the tape?’
I said hush
I said my lawyer said ‘don’t say noth”
Ugh, don’t you hate when you’re on a date and the other person just has to bring up that time a video leaked of you peeing in a 14-year-old’s mouth? Or that time when you married a minor when you were 27? Same. I’m glad to know he’s just been set up, that makes me feel a lot better. The sad thing about this is that there are probably lots of women out there who would still kill to sleep with R. Kelly, just in the hopes of getting some little sliver of fame. It’s tragic.
But now, what we’ve really been waiting for: the sex cult.
“I admit that I am not perfect, I never said I was perfect (perfect, perfect)
Said I’m abusing these women, what the f*ck that’s some absurd sh*t (what?)
They’re brainwashed, really? (really)
Kidnapped, really? (really)
Can’t eat, really? (really)
Real talk, that sh*t sound silly (yeah)”
Okay, I just need to say that “silly” doesn’t really feel like a strong enough word choice here. If someone accused me of kidnapping women and making them my sex slaves, I would probably work on a stronger defense than “omg, that’s so silly!” Silly is a dumb word in general, but that response is more appropriate for your friend messaging guys from your Hinge profile, not allegedly committing sex crimes. Also, you don’t need a creative writing degree to perform a close reading and conclude that R. Kelly’s entire defense essentially amounts to the word “really”.
Actual footage of R. Kelly in court denying the sex cult allegations made against him:
The judge: I hereby sentence you to life in prison.
Anyway, back to the song.
“What’s the definition of a cult?
Whats the definition of a sex slave?
Go to the dictionary, look it up
Let me know I’ll be here waiting”
R. Kelly has clearly not heard of the wonder that is dictionary.com, but he also doesn’t seem like he’s trying that hard to say that the sex cult stuff didn’t happen. I mean, we all basically know it happened, but this is a weak effort. It’s like if you ask your friend if she hooked up with her ex, and her response is just “what does ‘hook up’ mean?” Whether or not there was penetration, her ex was definitely involved. And to sum up R. Kelly’s feelings about everything:
“I’m not trippin’ on all these rumors, that don’t bother me.”
Two things. First, if you’re accused of sexual assault/child porn/statutory rape/kidnapping/etc. and it doesn’t bother you, I have concerns. Second, nothing says “I’m bothered” like recording a literal 19-minute song responding to your haters.
Please don’t bother listening to the song, because it’s not even catchy, and you could spend that time doing literally anything else. As for R. Kelly, now that he’s had a chance to respond to all the allegations, can we please cancel him forever? Is that too much to ask?
Images: Giphy (2)