Ginny Hogan has written for The New Yorker, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, and McSweeney’s. Her first book, Toxic Femininity in the Workplace, is available September 10th. Pre-order here.
Having women at your office is tough. Nobody asked you if you wanted them there, which feels unfair. One particularly challenging aspect is figuring out who is trying to sleep with you (smart) and who just has bad taste (un-smart). If a woman seems to be interested in talking to you, you might not know if she’s flirting or trying to “collaborate.” To figure it out, take our quiz!
Did she schedule a meeting with you via:
a. Your phone number, which she asked for twice (some women are assertive, what can you do?)
b. The office scheduling tool
Did she send an email saying she wanted your thoughts on:
a. Her eye makeup—she’s open to doing darker if you’re into it
b. If she should swap slides 16 and 18
When she writes your names on the presentation, does she:
a. Put hearts around yours
b. Choose to live heart-free
When you run into her in the hallway, does she say:
a. “Hey handsome”
b. “Hey, have you had a chance to look over the deck I sent last night?
On a Monday morning, does she ask you about:
a. Your love life—did you #pound this weekend? If not, are you looking to next weekend?
b. The email she sent two hours ago
Does she end her emails with:
a. Thanks, babe
During the presentation, does she sit:
a. In your lap
b. Not at all, because she’s standing (she’s the one delivering the presentation)
Does she regularly compliment:
a. Your abs
b. Your choice in font size, because she can’t think of anything else to compliment but she knows men need constant encouragement
When she said “great job”, did you notice her wink and bat her eyes?
b. No, but what even is “batting your eyes”?
c. Yes, but she did stay up all night drinking coffee to prepare this presentation, which you didn’t actually help her with, so the eye-batting could be very much be an exhaustion-related twitch.
Have you swiped right on her on every single dating app and still not matched?
c. That’s a very personal question
Has she explicitly told you already she’s not flirting with you and not interested in you?
a. Not yet
Should you stop?
b. What is “stop”?
If Mostly As: She’s sooo into you. She probably took the job because of how badly she wanted you—it’s unlikely that she just wanted to work. In fact, you’d be an irresponsible coworker to her if you didn’t continue hitting on her until she sleeps with you. Part of working with women is giving them what they want.
If Mostly Bs: She wants feedback on a presentation, after which she will be into you. The thing about women is sometimes they need help with things, but that doesn’t have to detract from how badly they want you. After all, you are a brain and a body, so why wouldn’t she want both?
If neither: She hasn’t indicated any desire for feedback, which means you should give it to her unsolicited (it’s what women want). And even though all signs point towards her not being into you, she definitely is, because she’s a woman at your office. Key word being “woman.” Other key word being “at.” She’s there—she wants you.
If both: She needs you and she wants you. Actually, this is true regardless.
Ginny Hogan has written for The New Yorker, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, and McSweeney’s. Her first book, Toxic Femininity in the Workplace, is available September 10th. Pre-order here.
In a world where three Kardashian sisters are pregnant at the same time (reportedly), one starts to wonder: Am I pregnant? Am I a member of this pregnancy pact too? When will Kris break the news to TMZ? Obviously, you have to be prepared so you know when to act like your pregnancy reports don’t exist and go about your normal life while you watch everyone torturing themselves trying to figure out if the news is true. If the past week has taught us anything, it is that there is no greater power than a pregnant Kardashian/Jenner. So, are you pregnant too? Let’s find out:
1. What letter does your first name start with?
c. Neither of those ugly letters
2. Does your mom(ager) desperately want a grandchild from you?
a. Ugh yes
B. Probably but she gave up on that for me long ago hahahhcrying
c. Nope, she wants me to focus on my career because she’s a 21st century lady/that bitch knows she can’t tell me what to do
3. Pick an animal
b. Black lab
c. My Gucci fur slides
4. How do you handle stress?
a. Spend three hours trying to take a good selfie until I cry myself to sleep
B. Work out until I pass out, you know how it is!
c. Idk I just remind myself that I literally don’t care at all
5. Of these names, which is your favorite for your (potential) baby? Yes, you have to choose.
6. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
a. Where I am right now haha oops! Got a little carried away!
b. In Fergie’s “M.I.L.F. $ Part 2” music video
c. Far, far away from all the bullshit
If you got mostly A’s: Yup, you’re definitely pregnant. Bible.
As if you aren’t the center of attention often enough, you are now pregnant and can milk this (haha) for a very long time. Rub my feet! Tell my I’m pretty! Buy my lip kits! This is going to be a beautiful journey for you and a fiery pit of hell for your mom and friends. Enjoy it while it lasts, because once that baby is out it’s only a matter of time (20 years) before they shock the world with a pregnancy of their own.
If you got mostly B’s: Bitch, you might be!
You’re not NOT pregnant… you should definitely pee on a stick ASAP. You’ve been ready for this moment for years, so if it’s finally here, congrats! You and whoever knocked you up should be very happy. Your friends and family will be overjoyed with the news and will be by your side every step of the way. And if that First Response responds with “nah, you’re just bloated,” we’re sorry. Sorry that you’re bloated, sorry that you’re not pregnant, and sorry for repeating it now. It’s nothing you haven’t dealt with before, though! Way harsh, Tai? Whatever. Better luck next time.
If you got mostly C’s: Hell no, skinny bitch, your crimson flow is still a’coming
Take a deep sigh of relief, you are not pregnant. At least, not this time. Keep on looking the hottest you ever have in your life; there’s no baby bump forming inside you. This doesn’t mean you’re off the hook, though. Make sure your mom or gold-digging boy toy hasn’t switched out your birth control with Smarties. Something weird is going on in your inner circle, and you don’t want to get roped into that mess. Beware of the plastics.
Last night was a big night on Bravo. And not because those rednecks from Oklahoma returned or because Kathryn dyed her hair fucking nuclear maroon for the Southern Charm reunion, but because the OG housewives out in Orange County are officially back. Now, it must be said that these women might be my least favorite because they’re all trashy af and they ran off queen Heather. But my god do they make good TV. I mean, they fake cancer for Christ’s sake. There isn’t anything they won’t do for ratings, which I can respect. But because none of them are betchy in the slightest, ranking them really wouldn’t make sense. So instead we’re here to tell you what your favorite wife of the OC says about you. And no. I didn’t include that new Peggy lady because she wasn’t on last night’s episode and I don’t know jack shit about her except that her debut tagline sucks. You can go shave your back now.
If Vicki is your fave, you became lame af post-undergrad and are really trying to hold on to your previous way more fun life. You were the social chair of your sorority and got voted biggest lush senior year, but got a boring job like accounting or, idk, selling insurance, and now you just look desperate screaming “Whoop it up!” at company happy hours. In terms of your love life, shit isn’t much better there. You’re super thirsty for guys to like you, but they just don’t. You should probs go on sabbatical or at least intensive therapy to try to turn things around.
Every squad has one and it looks like you’re it: the annoying af girl who won’t shut up about fitness and eating healthy. Like, hi. I literally couldn’t give two fucks about your power greens salad or how high you were on the torque board this morning. You have friends but you probs don’t even know about half of the group hangs because they don’t want to hear you bitch about calories and how bloated you are in your size 0 pants. Do yourself a favor and eat some pizza and stfu.
People who like Lydia better than the other wives are the stereotypical nice girl, my personal least favorite of all types of people. Sorry. You listen to Taylor Swift and wear Uggs while sipping pumpkin spice lattes and just bask in your basic way of life. Anytime there’s an inner clique fight, you’re the first to try and make peace and bring everyone together again. You work for a nonprofit or are a nurse and you host weekly bible studies. Your mere existence threatens to put me into a coma.
Shannon Beador fans find themselves somewhere in the middle of the pack. You’re not the HBIC but you don’t get walked over, either. Well, at least not by your friends… fuckboys are a totally different story. You keep it real, which makes cool normal people love you and fake betches hate you. Every once in a while you let your crazy side show and whip out a crystal or give yourself an enema, but for the most part you’re chill.
Meghan King Edmonds
A lot like Shannon fans, if you like Meghan, you’re probs pretty normal. You’ve been super popular your entire life so it only makes sense that you grew up to a rich skinny betch married to a professional athlete. Fucking duh. You’re pushing the verge of being a nice girl, but you also have enough of an edge to not take people’s shit. Tbh, sometimes you’re a little boring but that may be because everyone you hang out with is a legit psycho.
You’re a BSCB. There’s really nothing else to say about it because that’s the fact. You have a handful of friends but they only hang with you because you’re always down to get shit faced and you’re a good person to have on your good side. Because you’ll cut a bitch. Maybe one day you’ll reel it in, but chances are you’ll just end up someone’s drunk aunt.
Read: The Disney Princesses Ranked By Their Real Housewife Alter Egos
The stars have once again returned to their 420 alignment, meaning that today is the perfect day for each member of the zodiac to partake in some herbal refreshment. Now, there is no one stoner sign. Marijuana is for everyone (except like, babies), but the way you enjoy marijuana, like most things, is 100% dictated by the arbitrary placement of the stars and planets as they align with the date and time of your birth. So as you’re making your 420 plans, please keep the Stoner Zodiac in mind so that every member of your friend group, whether she be a Gemini, Leo, or dare I say, Scorpio, can get high AF without any of the munchies, anxiety, or getting paranoid the cops have been called.
(TBH tho, if the weed is dank, you’ll probably still experience all three…)
Aries, “The Group Dealer”
So, we’re not saying you’re a literal dealer here (though you may be, in which case please send your contact info to [email protected]) but that you’re the person in the group who is always good. You’re a natural born leader, and there’s no better way to take charge of a smoke circle than to have it be your product the circle is smoking. Anytime someone suggest it’s time to blaze, you’re right there with your own little baggie, dictating exactly the best method by which you should smoke it, and ensuring that you get greens because Stone Etiquette clearly dictates that the weed owner always gets to smoke first, unless it’s like, somebody’s birthday or something.
Taurus, “The Productive Stoner”
Given your work ethic and stellar resume, most people would be surprised to learn that you’ve been high since roughly the year 2005. You’re the type of person who is somehow able to both live a productive life and smoke weed every day. You’re basically like a stoner unicorn. Budicorn, if you will. Just make sure you’re careful with your non-Taurus friends today. Sure, you can wake, bake, and give a killer presentation at work an hour later, but most people do not have this superpower. So when your friend tells you that they absolutely cannot smoke this bong and still be okay to meet their boyfriend’s parents in an hour, believe them. Laugh at them in private, but believe them.
Gemini, “The Weed Innovator”
Geminis are always looking for the next best thing, meaning that you are the person in your friend group who is always on top of the latest and greatest in weed trends. You’re the person who rolls up to the party with some kind of crazy-ass mega-vape, or actually said “yes” when your bestie’s weird cousin pulled out some giant rube-goldberg dabbing contraption and asked who wanted to smoke it. And sure, sometimes you get so high off these newfangled devices that you blackout and wake up on a marijuana farm in Mexico, but that’s all part of the fun, right? ….Right??
Cancer, “The Active Stoner”
As far as weed smoking goes, just zoning out to a Netflix and zoning back in 17 episodes later with no clue what the main character’s name is is just not your vibe. You much prefer getting high and doing something, even if that something is just folding socks for two hours or finally painting that one wall in your room (both of which you will have to completely do over BTW). The point is, you need to keep yourself busy while high to avoid going deep into your brain and remembering every single embarrassing thing you’ve done, starting with the time you peed during reading circle in Kindergarten, and ending 20-something years later with the anxiety attack you are about to have right now. Before packing up to go to your 420 celebration, make sure to pack some kind of crafty thing or snack recipe to keep you busy when the weed hits. Knitting and cookies are always a good option.
Leo, “The Insta Stoner”
Leo is “The Performer” of the zodiac, meaning that you really don’t really see a point in smoking unless people know you’re smoking, nah mean? So either because you have those privacy settings on lock, or because you DGAF, your Insta story is nugs on nugs on clouds of smoke. And on 420, your extra-ness is about to get a whole lot more extra, thanks to all of the weed related clothing items you’ve stocked up on all year just for the occasion. You’re no stranger to an amazing photo op, so be sure to head out into the best possible lighting to display your new “420 BLAZE IT” shirt across social media, where your friends will appreciate the subtle addition of not one, but two, lit blunts. Just make sure to double-check that you blocked your boss on everything.
Virgo, “The Woodland Stoner”
Virgos love nature, and what better way to really get in touch with nature than by smoking tree all day? Sometimes, you miss the good old days of sneaking out into the woods behind your parents’ house, crouching behind a bush, and smoking shitty dirt weed out of an apple. Now that all your friends have their own residences, it’s all nice-ass bongs and sitting comfortably on a couch. Lame. If you really want to honor your Virgo spirit this 420, roll yourself up a fat J (with those herbal, sustainable papers of course) and head for the trees. If you can’t find any friends who want to join you (allergy season, etc…) just take a couple of puffs of the dank shit and try talking to a nearby squirrel. You two will be besties in no time.
Libra, “The Social Stoner”
As far as weed goes, it’s something you prefer to do in the company of friends, meaning 420 is the perfect day for you to get really into it. While sitting around alone in your underwear stoned out of your mind seems pretty fucking boring to you, sitting around in your underwear stoned out of your mind with your friends sounds amazing. Maybe you’re not smoking weed on the daily, but you do maintain a small stash so that you can be ready whenever the opportunity for a smoke circle presents itself, and you’ll never say no to something that is being passed around a group. Basically, your ideal smoke situation is every episode of That 70s Show, Ashton Kutcher and all.
Scorpio, “The Philosopher Stoner”
Scorpios are intense. This you already know from having to be yourself. As a stoner, Scorpios are the people who want to get high and think about shit. Lots of shit. Like how the Earth is just like…hanging there…in space. They’re the ones who take one bong rip, look to their left and ask, “How do we know that the blue I’m seeing is the same as the blue you’re seeing?” You’re also not opposed to just sitting back and watching Planet Earth for five hours. The Earth is fucking crazy, man.
Sagittarius, “The Classic Stoner”
Sags are notorious for their great senses of humor without the aid of a drug that is literally known for making everything hilarious. Get a few puffs in you, and you can’t help but turn into the classic image of a stoner, rolling on the floor laughing your ass off at something that you can’t really explain to everybody else. Sags are also intensely curious, so weed will open you up to all the classic stoner dilemmas like “If someone could tell you the exact date and time of your death, would you want to know?” and “Do I hate you because you’re fat, or are you fat because I hate you?” Also, you’re going to want to keep some eyedrops with you. Your eyes look fucking terrible.
Capricorn, “The Cannabis Connoisseur”
As a Capricorn, you like to know everything about everything. So once you get into weed, you like really get into weed. You’re the type of person who can look at a nug and tell you its entire life story. You know every strain so well that when your dealer tries to sell you some bullshit called “Blueberry Kush Dog” you’ll take one look at it and say “If this was really Blueberry Kush Dog, it would have defined nugs, visible crystales, and a defined, fruity odor. This strand you have here has an earthy aroma, strands of red, and is sticky AF which leads me to believe it’s Girl Scout Cookies. I’ll take an ounce and don’t ever come around here without knowing your shit again.”
Aquarius, “The Marijuana Activist”
Legalize it! Aquarians are known for their social activism and liberal agenda (how you holding up these days, BTW?) making you the type of stoner who get like, legitimately heated when talking about marijuana legalization. You’ll sign any Change.Org petition that rolls your way regarding legal weed, and one of the surest ways to get your vote is to put medical marijuana on the ballot. You’ve probably been to Colorado like 20 times, and had no problem telling your horrified grandmother over Thanksgiving Dinner about how Denver made so much money on legal weed taxes they were able to invest more money into public schools (that’s true). And don’t even get you started on the way marijuana was used to help bolster the prison industrial system—seriously, don’t get started. Just relax enjoy the holiday for once, Aquarius. It’ll give you the energy you need to make the giant pot leaf protest banner you’ve always dreamed of.
Pisces, “The Festival Stoner”
Pisces are the artists of the zodiac, so you’re basically a natural weed lover. It like, gets you in the zone and shit. Pisces are also music lovers, meaning that once you toke you want nothing more than to put on your fav album and just like, chill. And what place combines rampant marijuana use, artistic expression in the form of body paint and glitter, and basically non-stop access to your favorite musical acts? Festivals, duh! Pisces are perfect for the festival scene. In fact, they thrive. Coachella? You’re there. Both weekends. Bonnaroo? Fuck it you can hang with the hipsters for a weekend. Wait, also, wasn’t that you toking next to Malia Obama at Lollapalooza? I’m pretty sure it was…