Last week, Beyoncé devastated a few hundred thousand people when she pulled the ultimate betch move and got a doctor’s note to get out of performing at Coachella. We don’t know everything about what went down, but it’s basically the equivalent of a middle school girl telling her male gym class teacher that she’s on her period every day for a whole semester. At that point, you just sort of get a free pass. Beyoncé has said she’ll show up next year instead (because she probably legally has to), but her withdrawal still left a hole in this year’s lineup more gaping than Taylor Swift’s vagina (probably).
Well, now Coachella’s announced the replacement for Queen Bey, and it’s none other than Lady Gaga. Tbh this is pretty impressive, considering the festival organizers must have had a heart attack when Bey backed out. But somehow Lady Gaga had an opening in her schedule, and the rest is history. No doubt some Beyoncé fans will still be upset, but world-famous pop stars don’t grow on trees, so things worked out about as well as they could have. Beyoncé was set to be the first black female headliner ever, but Lady Gaga is still the first female headliner in a full decade, because sexism isn’t real!
If she wants to, Gaga can basically just perform an extended version of her Super Bowl halftime show, with just a few tweaks. Like, we’re pretty sure there aren’t really roofs to jump off of in the California desert, so she can jump off a ferris wheel or some shit like that. The effect might not be quite the same, but it doesn’t take that much to impress a bunch of dirty hipsters that have been on molly for the better part of two days.
Realistically, this show could go two ways: it’ll either be a huge fucking production with like, live unicorns and a million costume changes, or she’ll come out wearing that fugly pink cowboy hat and just sit at a piano the whole time. We’ll hope for something in between, but who the hell knows what she has up her gigantic, padded sleeves? No doubt, she’ll work in some of her big hits, like her anthem “Born This Way” (which obviously has nothing political about it, right Republicans?) and “Poker Face” because even like, 9 years later we’re somehow still not sick of that song.
Lady Gaga is ready to party in the desert, so now the only question is how can we buy scalped tickets and still afford to pay rent this month?
Here to make you feel like a literal piece of garbage on this bleak Monday, in which you are probably hungover and very sad and a little fat, is Beyoncé. If you missed her Grammys performance last night, how fucking dare you. SMDH, you are so selfish. Bey, while still pregnant with twins, took to the stage to sing both “Love Drought” and “Sandcastles” from her life changing record/visual album masterpiece, Lemonade. There were holograms. There was nudity. There were yellow sheets. There were tons of other women. It actually might have just been Jay Z’s fever dream, now that I really think about it.
After being introduced by her mother, Tina (who I think I might be very afraid of, but that’s a separate emotional journey I’ll look into at another date), Bey came out in a gold dress and headpiece. Then, the three hottest performers in music right now, Bey, Red, and Yellow* did the damn thing. And by that I mean, made every mere mortal feel simultaneous joy for how lucky they are to have Beyoncé, and regret for their paltry list of accomplishments. Here are the performance’s highlights.
*Red and Yellow are the names of the Carter-Knowles Twins® until proven otherwise.
1. When She Looked Better Naked And Pregnant Than Approximately 100% Of Us Ever Will
Beyoncé is pregnant with twins and she still looks like a rock star.
2. When She First Graced The Stage And Announced That She’s The Leading Ruler Of Our Country
World: SLAY BEYONCE MY QUEEN GODDESSSSSS LET ME WEAR YOUR SKIN LOL JK BUT NOT REALLY CAN I WEAR IT?
Beyoncé: These peasants think I’m a goddess so I guess I’ll just like…become one?
A good reminder to dress for the life you want.
(Side note: How many teenagers are going to try and replicate that gold flower crown at Coachella this year? Taking bets now.)
3. When The Spoken Word Portion Was Lit
This looks like what acid feels like.
4. When She Rose Like Jesus, And Everyone, Including Donald J. Trump, Began To Sob
(Yes, I did photoshop that tweet.)
5. When All Of Her Dancers Bowed The Fuck Down And She Walked The Table Holding Her Stomach As If She Just Ate Some Bomb-Ass Meal
This is the updated version of “The Last Supper” right?
6. When She Trusted That Chair Wouldn’t Fall, Proving Once Again That She Trusts Things Too Easily (See: Cheating Husband)
^^^Actual footage of me, trying to “Lean In.”
7. When She Just Wanted To Lie Down Real Quick Because Even Michael Jordan Takes Naps
8. When More People Bowed Down To Her
Wait, omg are those doulas and is she about to give birth?
Is Liz from The Bachelor there?
9. When She Personified ‘IDFWU’
This is my intended aesthetic.
10. When She Finally Sat Down And Fucking Nailed Those Vocals
Full disclosure: I tried to not fall under the stereotype of “white women who cry every time Beyoncé does anything,” but here we are. I’ve sobbed so much into my glass of Pinot Noir that it now resembles Rosé.
On a separate note, there were another set of twins that looked mighty fly on that stage.
Fuck the Grammys, this performance deserves an Oscar. Honestly, it’s the best film I’ve seen all year.