Welcome to Momhood, where you’ll find a verklempt me. I miss my girlfriends, the fab Non-Moms with perfect nails, flowing coiffes, fresh ‘fits, and makeup expertly applied after hours of YouTube tutorials. 

 Now, I am a superwoman, racing around my apartment for hours while chasing after my charging toddler.

I’m also a super effing lonely first-time mom. 

My single friends started to disappear with the first midnight feeding. It wasn’t for lack of trying—at first, there were lots of invitations, but they were coming to kvell over my baby, not to clink a glass of Whispering Angel. Happy hours, fancy dinners, concerts, barbecues, and girls trips were going on hiatus for a few seasons.

Quarantine is not so hard. I spent much of 2019 housebound with the baby while breastfeeding and pumping round-the-clock—that was hard. Now, I’m spending much of the socially distanced present far from the very friends I had hoped to finally hang with by my side.

Still, without sisters, it isn’t easy.

Less Time, Less Friends

According to a Child Magazine survey, 69 percent of women felt satisfied with their friendships before having kids; only 54 percent felt that way afterward. 

The culprit? Less time to spare. The same study found that before becoming moms, women spent 14 hours per week with friends, compared to only five hours after.  

Joanie Cox-Henry, a former celebrity reporter, says things got real when she welcomed her son, Jack, now 5.

“My friendships before I became a mom were totally different: I met up for happy hour, went to concerts with friends, took couples vacations, and endlessly shopped for shoes, clothes, and makeup,” says Cox-Henry, now a mom of two who blogs about her mom life for Motherloading. 

“I could accept phone calls at any hour of the day and really be there for my crew. I worked as a fashion and beauty writer and would be at Miami nightclubs and red carpet events constantly. 

 “After I became a mom, I slowed down a lot. I was still popping bottles at 3am, but now they were baby bottles, and I became so excruciatingly tired. I used to think I was tired before, but after becoming a parent, you unlock a fatigue achievement level you never fathomed was possible.”

Tania Hammond, a stay-at-home mom of two, says she lost about “four or five friends” after welcoming her daughter in 2017, adding,“It’s so tough to work around my schedule.” 

When non-moms invited her out, she answered, but with an interrogation. “‘Where are we going? What time? How long are we going to be there?’ And the reason why I’m asking all of those questions is because I’m on a schedule.” 

Soon, the invites diminished. “I feel like they got frustrated and gave up, like, ‘Ugh. This is too difficult.’ When I was single, and I had mom friends, I feel like I was more understanding,” says Hammond. “I still hung out with them, and I flexed my schedule to match theirs. But, I feel like that was not reciprocated when I became a mom.”

When The Tables Turn

Chantie Khan-Enwright says she lost four friends when she became a mom at 25. That’s when the invites to party and hang into the wee hours were plenty. Now that her kid is 13, many of her thirtysomething friends are finally pushing strollers—and seeing what it’s like having virtually zero time to chill. 

“Now they see the importance of getting a break and having adult time,” says Khan-Enwright, a work-from-home travel agent. “They” being the ride-or-die friends who toughed it out through Khan-Enwright’s busy mom years. 

“My circle is really small, and the moms have kids at different ages.” They stick together, taking family trips, and carving out moms-only time within the getaways. Thinking back, Khan-Enwright says she doesn’t miss the pals who didn’t bother to stick around. “They were only there for a season,” she says, “cause now their reason is over.”

Finding A New Crew

After a bit of an adjustment period, now I’ve decided to leave the ones who left me in the rearview. No grudges. No side-eye. It’s okay, I tell myself, they’ll learn one day—or not.

I’ve miraculously managed to make new mom friends during the lockdown. One day, while taking my little one for a walk, I met a mom who looked so much like me, it was almost like looking in a mirror. She’s West Indian-American, too. Our little boys are also both curly-headed—literal bookends. We’ve managed socially distant playdates (with lots of Clorox wipes to clean the swings at the park), and we chat about our old lives and long for the day when we can spill wine on each other in a crowded bar. 

Another day, yet another mom came pushing her son down the block in his toy car—she’s a Korean fashion designer mourning her employer, Ann Taylor’s, filing for bankruptcy. We connected over our shared love of European travel and brioche. Lots of brioche. 

We three find solace in knowing we’re all equally tired, worried, happy, and thankful. The beginnings of a new sisterhood. 

We’ll all be okay.

 Images: Sai De Silva / Unsplash

“I have some news,” my dad tells me on our morning call, “my mother died.” 

I immediately stop pouring my coffee and take him off speakerphone. 

“Wait, what?” 

My father goes on to tell me that she passed away earlier that morning in her London apartment and that he would send me the Zoom funeral information when he had it. I then ask my dad the question that I’m sure many of us have been asking a lot more these last few months, the question that can change a 10-minute chat into a 3-hour conversation, the most important question at this time: “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah,” he says, “I’m fine.” 

Back in November, my dad had to have his leg amputated. There are no words to describe the agonizing fear of waiting for the doctors to give you updates or trying to memorize every word and sound of your parent’s voice as they are being wheeled into surgery because, hey, it may be the last time you hear them say “I love you.” After three major operations, he has been recuperating and learning his new normal, including walking with a prosthetic. When COVID-19 hit the rehabilitation home where he is currently residing, they immediately followed protocol and shut down. I haven’t hugged my dad since my visit to the Bay Area over the holidays and now, when I visit from Los Angeles, I stand outside his window to see him. These last couple of visits, I’ve wondered, “when will I hug my dad again?” and when a parent loses a parent, it’s the harsh reminder that we don’t get to keep ours forever, either. 

This pandemic hasn’t gotten under control because many believe that doing things such as wearing a mask when around others, staying home, and practicing social distancing will lead to the virus controlling their freedom. Thanks to social media, I’ve learned that some of these people aren’t just people on the internet—some were part of my inner circle.

When a friend asked me what I was doing for the 4th of July, I told them there were many reasons why I didn’t feel like being patriotic, but more importantly, I want to see my loved ones without the fear of getting them sick. When I asked this friend what their plans were, they told me they were driving from our state, California, to another high-case state. After reassuring me that they weren’t one of those people who don’t believe in masks, they stated that they were skeptical about the vaccine based on their own knowledge and research of epidemiology. They then stated the infamous line, “We can’t live in fear forever.” For the record, this person is not a doctor. 

Now, I am all for questioning authority, but when things are uncertain and peoples’ lives are at risk, I am not one to put my opinion and assessment over facts and numbers. I did express to this friend that their decision saddened me, and although I do know they understood where I was coming from after almost losing a parent, I can’t be the only one whose friendships have changed or have ended during this unpredictable chapter. 

I compare the decisions we make during this time to drinking and driving. Sometimes people get away with it, so they don’t think anything of it. But not getting caught doesn’t make it right. Also, what happens when you hit another car and hurt someone, let alone kill them? What if your decision hurts or kills the passengers in your car? Then your judgment, your decision, has severely impacted someone else—how can someone be okay with this?   

I spent my July 4th by the pool alone, drinking piña coladas, FaceTiming friends and family, and of course, watching everyone’s Instagram stories. The IG stories I saw ranged from people secluded among small groups in other parts of the United States, to the politically slanted “If you don’t celebrate today, it defeats the purpose of this day” rants. I unfollowed and deleted and kept telling myself a quote a former colleague once told me: “Don’t you just love when the trash takes itself out?” 

It’s incredible how a pandemic that has asked us to simply wear a mask when around others and to stay home has revealed who people truly are. My grandmother hid from the Nazis during World War II in Holland when she was eight years old. Having a gas mask was a luxury—it meant you had a chance at survival. She didn’t have an iPhone to FaceTime her parents that she was separated from. I mean, hell, she didn’t even have food—she lived off tulip bulbs. But sure, tell me more about how wearing a mask is infringing upon your life.

I am by no means an angel. I’ve received a speeding ticket, sent 3am text messages that deserve to be a meme, and, not to sound like a 45-year-old divorcée, I can be fun. I don’t take myself seriously, I’m the friend who keeps Twister and mini-beer pong on hand “just in case” and has a small reputation of being a bit of a wild child. I have managed to safely hang out with a couple of friends outside at a distance, and I will be the first to acknowledge that minimal human interaction is vital to everyone’s mental health. However, when you don’t choose to care about others’ health, others’ lives and your behavior is delaying many of us from being able to simply hug our loved ones again, amongst the many other long term effects it could have on others, then yeah… 

You and I have nothing in common. 

Images: Ranta Images / Shutterstock.com

After 95694845 days of quarantine (I lost count), our collective #QuarantineClub efforts have not been in vain. And now I’m actually seeing other humans IRL (yay!) out and about. We’re getting our lives back in this so-called “new normal” and cautiously doing all right in Phase 3 with non-essential businesses opening up. Parts of New York are allegedly even entering Phase 4, but that seems too good to be true.

The light at the end of the tunnel seems to be within our reach, but remember—it’s a marathon, not a sprint. All things considered, we can keep up our momentum so long as a few bad apples don’t f*ck over the entire cart. Unfortunately, parts of the U.S. are experiencing just that—sheer amounts of stupidity (i.e. COVID-19 parties… seriously, WTF Alabama??).

Extreme cases aside, I understand that at this point, you’re saying to yourself “omg, I’m so over COVID-19. O-VeR. IT.” And I get it. 2020 is canceled. The pandemic was not exactly what we wanted for summer. But think about how the frontline workers must feel? My close friend Mira MacLeod, a Registered Nurse who works in the COVID-19 ward of a major Toronto hospital (which was also the same converted facility used to treat the first SARS patients) said, “hell (lol) I’M OVeR IT. If anyone has COVID fatigue, it’s me, girl.” 

So for her sake and for every one of these caregiving heroes, when it comes to our collective health, reckless behavior is inexcusable. In fact, it’s NOT okay when you decide to be a d*ck by not wearing a mask in a shared public space and jeopardize the lives of others. Additionally, I honestly feel like the warm weather must be frying off some of the common sense in some people’s brains. I guess when you throw sunny skies and balmy weather into the mix, it’s like everyone suddenly forgot that there’s still a deadly pandemic in our presence which, may I remind you, still has the power to come back to bite us again (like it did to South Korea and their second wave) and force us back into our homes.

Do the people begging for stuff to reopen not realize that means having to wear a bra on a regular basis?

*shudders*

— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) May 17, 2020

In light of people filling up their social calendars once again and taking to the city streets, the Department of Health released some guidelines on how we can all be safe when gathering together and dining out. However, what these documents neglect to state or inform us about is how the heck these rules will be consistently enforced. Mayor Bill de Blasio is essentially telling us all of this is based on “trust” and calling people out when you see them breaking the rules. Basically like “if you see something, say something.” While that’s definitely one way of approaching it, despite reporting the situation, the damage will have already been done.

Dr. Sidney Chiu, an emergency doctor at North York General Hospital, reminds us that we must each do our part and continue to take initiatives in safeguarding our community. Furthermore, we made it this far in flattening the curve—let’s not f*ck it up folks! Here are useful guidelines to keep in mind:

When In Doubt, Wear A Mask

MacLeod says that if you want to be safe, you should wear a mask indoors—even if the business doesn’t state that it’s mandatory. “You should be wearing one in confined spaces like at the grocery store, on the transit system, or at a retail store—places where you’re touching a lot of things.” You should be wearing disposable rubber and/or plastic gloves for this as well (think clothing items, transit railing, etc).

Wear A Mask When Walking On The Sidewalk

MacLeod says her major pet peeve is when people don’t walk around each other on the sidewalk: “It irks me that some just don’t care and/or take liberties. They walk by you in close proximity, and this is particularly troublesome when there are small children nearby.” As a mom of two kids, this is especially triggering for her. So she advises that when you see someone approaching, go around them, if you can. Remember, social distancing means you should be six feet apart, which is further than you think.

There Is Still NO Vaccine

“Just based on how I’m seeing some people behave, I think many believe that the pandemic has mostly passed—and that’s certainly not the situation. The reality is that although we’ve passed the first wave, we are constantly at risk of new cases,” MacLeod says. She adds that precautionary measures should be as routine as checking for your wallet, phone and keys before leaving the house. “A mask, disposable gloves, hand sanitizer (making sure that it contains 60-95 percent alcohol), and disinfecting wipes should all be a part of your ‘toolkit,’” which means that these items should be considered part of your “new normal” for the foreseeable future. If you’re forgetful, a good strategy is to set up a daily pop-up alert on your phone to remind yourself of these essential items. Or consider keeping it all in a stylish bag near your door. 

No Hugging Or Shaking Hands

“This is tough, understandably, because we are by nature, social creatures,” explains Dr. Chiu.  He adds that “in lieu of physical touching, air hugs/air high fives, or toe tapping is better than exposing any part of your body to someone else. You just don’t want to run the risk.” As a friendly reminder, he says that COVID-19 is spread through droplets and/or physical contact. “Just think that when you’re embracing someone and that close face-to-face, any number of things could happen: coughing, sneezing—even talking and breathing could aid in transmission.” He adds that what could then theoretically occur is that even though it appears that “nothing happened” during the hug, since you effectively touched that person, you could then absentmindedly touch your mouth, nose and eyes, thereby spreading the virus.

Just Because They “Look Healthy” Doesn’t Mean They Are

“We always assume there are obvious visual cues to someone being ill. However this is certainly not the case when someone is asymptomatic and can transmit the virus to you,” says Dr. Chiu, who adds that these individuals may not even be aware they have COVID-19. “So for your sake, it’s better to err on the side of caution and to wear a mask whatever the social situation may be.” Another scary and not-so-fun fact from him: “the chance of a test detecting COVID-19 is very low if you are asymptomatic, and it is unlikely to be helpful in determining if you have COVID-19 if you have zero symptoms.”

Invest In Anti-Technology For Your Sunnies

Dr. Chiu says that “I’ve heard some people complain about their sun/glasses getting fogged up due to the mask wearing.” To remedy this, he says to do the following: “mold your mask to the bridge of your nose, tighten the mask, or simply invest in some anti-fog spray or wipes which will do the trick nicely (and you should be prepping all of this before you leave your home).” This is an overlooked issue but an important one, and he explains that “you want to minimize the amount of time touching your face. If your glasses are fogged/smudged, etc and you’re constantly readjusting them, you’re increasing your chances of exposure.”

Invest In An Automatic Soap Dispenser

When returning home, immediately wash your hands with hot soapy water before doing anything else (the CDC advises you do this within 20 seconds of entering your home.). To avoid contamination, MacLeod advises people to get one of those automated hand soap dispensers.” Additionally, she says that bar soaps are a big no-no because bacteria and germs CAN survive on them (ewwww).

And in terms of venturing out in the world à la Oh, The Places You’ll Go Post-Pandemic (!), here are a few tips and best practices to be mindful of in the following social scenarios:

Restaurants/Patios

If available to you, always opt to use the restaurant’s QR code, which allows you to see the menu on your smartphone rather than touching paper. An exception to this is if you have a visual impairment and require a hard copy.

Wearing a mask while dining in a patio/restaurant space isn’t required (cuz um, how else can you eat that food if your mouth is covered?!); however, you should absolutely wear one when walking to your table and using well-ventilated washroom facilities (which are 99% of the time located inside of a confined restaurant space). 

Another food-related issue is regarding pick-up and take-out: you just grab the order and go. Don’t linger and/or congregate on the sidewalks.

Hosting Gatherings/Cookouts

The CDC recommends that if you’re welcoming people into your home for, say, a BBQ cookout (specifically an outdoor space like the backyard) to consider keeping a guestbook of attendees for contact tracing needs. Disposable but recycle-friendly cutlery, plates, and cups should be used in lieu of the silverware you have at home.

Parks/Beaches/Outdoor Venues

Both Dr. Chiu and MacLeod say that if you can, visit these spaces on a weekday when it’s less crowded. “Because it’s an outdoor setting, it’s technically safer than, say, a shopping mall because these types of places are conducive to offering more room and fresh air.” For any communal seating (such as park benches and beach chairs), use hand sanitizer and disinfectant wipes prior to use. 

Individual Appointments (Including, But Not Limited To, Dental And Medical Offices, Nail Salons, And Hair Salons)

Ensure that it’s not a walk-in situation, and whenever possible, book your appointment in advance. If you’re feeling uncertain, ask what sorts of protocols the business or service has implemented, such as adequate HEPA filters/ventilation, PPEs, and plexiglass barriers to minimize the risk of exposure. When you do arrive for your appointment, wait outside and arrange for the staff to text or give you a call when they’re ready for you. Lastly, if you know you have to fill out any documentation, bring your own pen—don’t use the communal ones supplied at the office/salon. 

Final Thoughts

With all the news and Karen-shaming, I’d like to think that the majority of us are better than that. However, we’re all human and can still be prone to slipping up once in a while. So I recommend screenshotting this handy color-coded infographic to act as your “pocket guide” if you are ever uncertain about venturing into a specific social situation. It’s nice that we can FINALLY see our loved ones IRL again, so let’s not take any of it for granted and remember to be considerate of each other by adhering to these practical and safe protocols.

Images: Gustavo Fring / Pexels; Giphy (2); Twitter / @saltymamas

Is it just me, or is it terrible how everyone on the internet is joking about they’re going to kill their partner while working from home and being stuck inside together all day every day right now? Maybe it’s supposed to be funny and I have no sense of humor, but if you don’t like being around your partner, then why TF are you dating them? I will concede that all of the stress that comes along with this pandemic can lead to frustration and petty arguments. But try to remember this sh*t is temporary, so don’t let your relationship take a fatal hit while it lasts. Here’s how to not go crazy on or break up with your live-in partner during this quarantine period.

1. Give Each Other Space

“Couples who live together can prevent arguments during quarantine by being mindful of each other’s space and remaining communicative,” says certified dating coach Elsa Moreck. This means that if you’re the type of person who wants to cuddle your S.O. 24/7 right now because it’s comforting for you (like me), they might be down… orrrr they may actually need more space than you. Talk to them and find out how much alone time and affection they want before you cling to them for dear life because you want to. Do your needs for space misalign? NBD—just respect that difference and don’t take it personally, suggests clinical psychologist Angele Close, PhD.

If you’re struggling to find your own space, “having indicators of availability can clarify needs and boundaries, closed door vs. open door times when one is able or willing to be interrupted by the other partner,” she adds. No matter how you do it, go take some time for yourself and let yourselves breathe, whether that’s scrolling through Instagram, going for a drive, working from a different room, or stepping out for a solitary walk. You’ll probably both be happy you did. 

2. Keep Open Communication

“We commonly understand that stressors can either bring us closer together or tear us apart,” says Close, but “there are opportunities for people in relationships to nurture deeper closeness and connection if they learn to respond to each other with openness, validation, mindfulness, and compassion, for themselves and their partner.” Did you hear that? Things are crazy right now, yes, but it’s actually the perfect time for us to strengthen our bond with our partners through solid communication. So take this as your prescription to get real about how you feel, regularly check in with your partner, and actually listen to each other when you speak. “There’s nothing like a global pandemic to add strain on a relationship, so be ready to have the hard conversations and to hold space for each other throughout it,” says Moreck. Don’t be afraid to lean on them when you’re feeling anxious or need to vent about how hard work has been for you. She recommends keeping open channels of communication about everything—how they like the toilet seat, how their mom is doing, and whether they remembered to wash their hands after taking the trash out. I’ve been annoying AF yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS” to my BF every time we walk in the door after being out, and I’m not sorry. 

3. Have More Sex

As if we really need a reason to have more sex, it could actually help you stay on better terms with your partner throughout this whole sh*t show. Moreck confirms there’s no better time to get busy than when you’re quarantined together because you 1) aren’t actually too busy, 2) aren’t too tired, and 3) why TF not? It’s a no-brainer. Spice up your mundane routine by spending your spare time banging, playing with or buying new toys, or taking turns giving each other massages—happy endings optional. I’m pretty sure orgasms can boost your immune system, too, so win-win-win! “Give each other orgasms, not the virus,” she adds. CHEERS. New motto.

4. Find Humor Wherever You Can

Sense the tension rising? Diffuse that bomb by trying to make each other laugh or crack a smile. “Yes, the world is kinda ending and soon we’ll all have to wipe our ass with coffee filters, but make it your task to laugh together at least once every day,” says Moreck. “Whether it’s a quarantine meme or a cringy joke, find opportunities to humor each other.” My expert opinion (from personal experience) is that memes really do make everything easier to deal with, even your deepest fears and anxieties surfacing from this pandemic. Try it out.

5. Stop To Reflect Before Reacting

“When you’re feeling frustrated or angry with your partner, or perhaps rejected or anxious, it’s a good idea to take an inner pause to calm down and prevent unnecessary conflict,” says Close. So basically when you feel like you’re about to flip out of rage or pure emotion, take like, five seconds to check yourself before you—wait for it—wreck yourself. Need some ideas on what to do in the meantime? She recommends taking a second shower of the day, going outside for a breath or a walk, or going in a separate space to practice meditation. 

Jordana Abraham, cohost of the Betches dating podcast, U Up? echoes, “it’s easy to get annoyed with anyone you live with, but it can be especially tough with someone who you are now not only around 24/7, but also share a bed with, often in spaces as small as a one bedroom or even a studio apartment.” She actually recommends waiting an hour before expressing irritation over small stuff, and instead watching TV, listening to a podcast, or whatever you can do by yourself for an hour. After the hour is up, she advises, “if you’re still upset, you can vocalize why you’re frustrated. You’re less likely to be seen as overreacting the more distance you have from the situation.”

Close also recommends, after taking a breather from a potentially contentious situation, to “reconnect with your partner only when you feel you have more awareness, your nervous system has calmed down enough, and you feel clear in your perception of what the problem is.” I personally suck at meditating and have zero filter when emotional, but this tip definitely sounds helpful. 

What’s better than solo meditation? Eating a ton of snacks and laying in bed for hours Meditating with your partner! Moreck suggests you block out at least 30 minutes every day for you to meditate together. “Not only will this give you something to do as a couple that doesn’t require talking, but it’ll calm you both down and strengthen your immunity.” I’d much rather spend 30 minutes having sex or playing Nintendo Switch, but to each their own.

6. Practice Gratitude

You’re stuck hanging with the person who you love, enjoy hanging with, and will bang you on the reg. You poor thing. Cut it out, and look on the bright side! “Now is we need each other most, and despite how annoying it may be to be stuck with the same person all day, at least it’s YOUR person. Be grateful you’re not alone like so many other people right now,” says Moreck, who took the words right out of my mouth. Being quarantined with your partner is a gift, so start being thankful. It’s not enough to just be thankful, though. Close recommends speaking up and sharing that appreciation and gratitude with your partner. “Often we focus on the negative and take for granted the good,” she says. “It goes a long way when we express to each other what is working or the good things we noticed from each other’s efforts.” 

COVID-19 might be super anxiety-inducing and straining on everyone right now, but that doesn’t mean you should let it pull you away from your #1 support system: your partner. If you’re living with them right now, consider yourself lucky. I know I do. Even though this situation might seem like a nightmare, “this is a test of perseverance and a testimony to your love,” reminds Moreck. “So cherish your connection and breathe through the challenges. The future of your relationship will thank you for it.” Cheers to our future selves thanking us sooner than later. I’m going stir crazy. 

Images: Pexels, GIPHY (6)