The 4 Craziest Moments From The Trump Putin Summit
Yesterday a very special one-on-one took place and no it wasn’t on The Bachelorette. This was a political one-on-one between our president and national embarrassment Donald Trump and Vladmir Putin, our real president the leader of Russia.The two met in Helsinki, Finland and had a private meeting that has left the entire world more anxious than the Handmaid’s Tale finale. It was like seven minutes in heaven but instead of wondering if there was kissing going on in there, we’re speculating treason. But don’t take my word for it, here’s what Former CIA Director John Brennan had to say:
Donald Trump’s press conference performance in Helsinki rises to & exceeds the threshold of “high crimes & misdemeanors.” It was nothing short of treasonous. Not only were Trump’s comments imbecilic, he is wholly in the pocket of Putin. Republican Patriots: Where are you???
Despite the FBI saying that Russia interfered with the 2016 election and literally indicting 12 Russians in the hack of the DNC just last week, Trump has basically decided to believe Putin who said they didn’t, basically be cause he said so. It’s a real “he said- American intelligence agency said” situation that actually isn’t hard to take sides on at all! Trump didn’t come outright and say this but the shady SOB didn’t deny it and let his buddy stand next to him and say they didn’t interfere with the US election. You are the company you keep, sweetie! Don’t believe me? Here’s what Michael Steele, the former head of the Republican National Committee had to say:
“My people came to me…they said they think it’s Russia. I have President Putin. He just said it’s not Russia. I will say this, I don’t see any reason why it would be.”
That’s how a press conference sounds when an Asset stands next to his Handler.
Perhaps we should have seen this one coming because Fox News is simply a propaganda channel suckling at the teat of Trump. But it still is wild to see Putin sitting down for an interview with Fox’s Chris Wallace like he just won American Idol or something. While Wallace was arguably tough on Putin at times and Putin was incredulous a journalist was asking him legitimately thorough questions, the whole interview was like a nightmare fan fiction diary entry of Trump’s.
But does that mean Fox loved the summit? Let’s let Fox Bussiness’ Neil Cavuto speak for himself:
Both sides are freaking out over Trump siding against the US and calling his the T word. (Traitor.) It’s truly the first moment of people reaching across the aisle and agreeing that things are very, very bad. Even Paul Ryan released a statement being like, “Trump, honey, no.”
There is no question that Russia interfered in our election and continues attempts to undermine democracy here and around the world. That is not just the finding of the American intelligence community but also the House Committee on Intelligence. The president must appreciate that Russia is not our ally. There is no moral equivalence between the United States and Russia, which remains hostile to our most basic values and ideals. The United States must be focused on holding Russia accountable and putting an end to its vile attacks on democracy.”
Of course, will any of this outrage from Republicans lead to action? I’m willing to place a million Russian rubles on “no.”
WTF Are These Paradise Papers Everybody Is So Obsessed With?
In case you’ve been too busy not giving a shit about taxes—because honestly, who even understands how they work besides depriving me of my own money—allow us to explain the bombshell of shady dealings that recently leaked called the Bachelor in Paradise Papers. And as Chris Harrison will tell you, these papers are about to be some of the most dramatic leaks in paradise history.
WTF Is A Paradise Paper?
A bunch of journalists just went full Betty Cooper and uncovered a massive amount of document leaks that detail trillions of dollars earned by American companies, celebrity investors, and high-ranking political officials that have been hidden and funneled through offshore havens on remote islands. Basically, they’re hiding money at the local tropical bank next to your fav all-inclusive resort. Trillions is a shit ton of money so, yeah, this can be filed under Big Fucking Deal.
The Paradise Papers get their name because Appleby, my favorite place to drunk eat mozzarella sticks the major law firm assisting in the moving around of funds, is based in Bermuda and uses other paradise-y islands such as the Caymans and the Virgin Islands as places to shift their clients’ earnings so they don’t have to pay income taxes. Appleby helps its clients reduce their tax requirements and hide ownership of things like private jets, yachts, and expensive mansions. Meanwhile, I can’t even successfully hide credit card purchases from my dad, so maybe I should call them.
Who Is Implicated?
Just about every person and company famous for being super fucking rich. From the trademark rights to the Nike swoosh, to Madonna’s share in a medical company and Keira Knightley’s investments in some super random real estate firm, thousands of names were released in association with the use of tax haven islands. The Queen of England’s private estate even invested millions in a Cayman Islands fund previously unknown to the public, so basically she’s reached Olenna Tyrell levels of sneaky bitch. Yas Queen.
U2 lead singer and man who has no idea how to count to four in Spanish, Bono, is the partial owner of a shopping mall in Utena, Lithuania (where?), thanks to his investments in a company based in Malta—which, you guessed it, is also one of those tax haven islands. First of all, did no one question what Bono was doing with a Lithuanian mall or why Keira Knightley is trying to join the Property Brothers? Even I know that sounds shady and I get all of my investigative skills from Olivia Benson.
Apple also got their iHands dirty with a healthy dose of tax avoidance by shifting their profits to Irish subsidiary companies. When questioned about the company’s dealings, Apple’s CEO, Tim Cook, insisted that they didn’t just “stash money on a Caribbean Island.” That may be technically true, but they did stash it on an island in the English Channel called Jersey. Savage use of wordplay, Timmy. Cook is definitely the kind of fuckboy who tries to defend his late night Snaps because you said he couldn’t text his exes, but never said anything about Snapchat.
Side note: Anywhere named Jersey should automatically be flagged as a danger zone of probable suspicious activity. Both have shores where stuff is spread around, but on one of them it’s money, and on the other it’s unidentified fluids and STDs.
Now you didn’t think a scandal would just breeze by without any mention of Trump and Russia, did you? Of fucking course not. A whole bunch of Trump’s friends and colleagues have holdings in offshore accounts, including Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and key Trump donors, the Mercers and Sheldon Adelson. One member of the Big Cheeto’s merry band of weasels joining the Paradise pregame is Wilbur Ross, Trump’s Secretary of Treasury. Ross invested in a shipping company whose top clients include a Russian firm controlled by someone literally being sanctioned right now, and Putin’s own son-in-law. If we have learned anything from this garbage fire of an administration, it’s to never trust a son-in-law.
Speaking of that creepy doll Adam brought to Bachelor in Paradise Jared Kushner, he’s not walking away scot-free either. A Russian billionaire named Yuri Milner invested an absurd amount of money in Facebook and Twitter, but that investment money came to him from Kremlin backers providing hundreds of millions from government-controlled banks and financial institutions typically used for “potentially strategic deals.” One of Milner’s current investments also includes a real estate venture founded and partly owned by, you guessed it, Daddy-in-Law’s Boy Jared.
Why Should You Care?
Ok, so even though all of that shit sounds shadier than “we’re just friends”, it isn’t necessarily illegal. However, as more Nancy Drew-ing goes down, it’s likely that a dece amount of illegal activity will emerge. As far as uber-rich celebrities go, tax evasion is just kinda fucked up. Like, can you just register your private jet in the country where you actually use it plz?
As for the ties to Russia, that doesn’t bode very well for the whole “no connections between Trump and Putin” lie this administration has been peddling harder than me at SoulCycle the day after Thanksgiving.
With the release of the papers, officials are feeling the pressure to tighten up the very loose loopholes that allow these strategic tax avoidance hacks to happen, and they are considering making it harder to make use of rando offshore companies to hide their money. All I know is, Paradise is a breeding ground for scandal, and I’ll be sitting over here eating my bowl of cheese pasta and waiting for it all to implode.
“Bridget Trump’s Diary” Is The Trump Parody Account Betches Need
With inauguration day looming over the nation like the smoke and ash spewing from the top of a soon-to-erupt volcano, sometimes it seems like there’s nothing we can do but despair. But never fear, rising from the ashes is the parody Twitter account we need. Sure, our PEOTUS might be Prince of Darkness, Lord of Lies, but @BridgetTrumpsDiary is here to remind us that even the Dark Lord himself has fat days and gets starry-eyed and tongue-tied when his crush is nearby.
The parody Twitter account gives readers a glimpse into the everyday thoughts and dreams of America’s favorite Third-Reich-billionaire-next-door, filled with all the self-absorption that we’ve come to adore from both loveable fictional Brit Bridget Jones and deplorable real-life limp sack of Velveeta Donald Trump. Tweets such as “Ugh. Accidentally tweeted wrong person this morning. Worried I may get fired from super important new job! Will flirtatiously shrug it off” help to humanize our future Disaster in Chief. Tbh, the account’s diary style reads like any betch’s teenage journal entries after one too many vodka sodas. Just add sociopathy and a hard-on for Vladimir Putin!
January -An exceptionally bad start
Drunk tweeted Assange
Calories consumed -6,000 but mainly the hopes & dreams of the poor
Bridget Trump’s Diary even provides a helpful outline for ways readers might be able to improve our own journaling routines. That Putin-lovin’ cutie uses the Twitter diary to keep track of important information. Her tweets show mindful monitoring of budgeting (see: “I WILL NOT Waste money on: unaffordable health care, tax, planned parenthood, moving to Washington or exotic underwear”), careful calorie counting (“Bday lunch w/ Eric 3,000 cals (Tiger meat v calorific)”), and celebrating times her S.O. has made her smile (“Hurrah! Vlad agreed to recite a poem at inauguration, he said it is more of a ‘limerick’ about a girl from Ealing. Am popular sex goddess!”).
I WILL NOT bitch about anyone behind their backs will instead be positive about everyone*
So, as you’re pounding back shots and ignoring the inauguration this weekend, let @BridgetTrumpsDiary be the beacon of light that distracts you from your terror and misery. Assuming Vladimir Putin’s cute butt isn’t distracting enough.
Golden Showers & Russian Leaks: Explaining WTF Is Happening Via Your Lying, Cheating Boyfriend
WTF is happening in the country right now? It’s like we woke up from a really bad hangover and just want to go back to sleep. All of a sudden we have to care way too much about politics. Honestly this is like when all of Greek life comes together when a school tries to shut down frat row, because even though all we want to do is binge watch The Bachelor, we have no choice but to be activists or we’ll all lose. Thankfully we’ve made it easier for you betches, here’s a recap of what’s happening with Trump this week with the Russia hacks.
In case you haven’t heard, there’s been rumors that Russia hacked us and the news outlets have been scrambling to find out how deep it goes. Imagine your boyfriend missed your birthday because he told you he was out of town, but then you find out he wasn’t out of town like he said. You know something’s up, you just haven’t found out if he was cheating on you or not. When you first catch him in a lie, you’re probably trying to get more information before you confront him about it.
So that’s exactly what happened here with Russia. Why didn’t we get all the information at once? Well according to a CNN report, a dossier was released to the FBI that provides evidence that Russia blackmailed Trump.
Basically CNN is like your friend who says she knows for a fact you should dump your bf but won’t tell you why. Instead of listening to your friend, you just write her off as trying to sabotage your relationship.
Anytime you’ve ever wanted to warn a friend about a shady bro, it usually is warranted. Like maybe he got aggro and tried to touch your leg while his gf wasn’t looking, but you don’t want to be called a slut so you leave that part out when warning your friend. I mean, it happens. Anyways, CNN couldn’t provide the documents because they weren’t verified and that’s just a no-no in journalism, so Buzzfeed did it instead.
If the Buzzfeed document is the same one CNN is referring to, then basically Trump is guilty AF. In the docs, which are allegedly an intelligence briefing given to the FBI, it says that Russia provided Trump with information throughout the election on his opponents. It also mentions that he hired hookers to pee in the presidential suite of the Ritz Carlton in Moscow, because that’s where the Obamas stayed when they were in town. So, petty AF.
Actually, the exact words were “employing a number of prostitutes to perform a golden showers show in front of him”.
So basically Buzzfeed just showed you a receipt from Per Se the night of your birthday and claims it’s from your boyfriend. I mean, do you trust her? She’s in your outer circle and not a confidante, but everything kind of lines up pointing to your boyfriend is cheating on you. At the very least you know he’s been lying to you.
We know that Russia has hacked something, but just how deep it goes and how much influence they have on Trump is still unclear. Like any breakup that’s caused by cheating, you know you’re going to find out more shit he lied about as time goes on. Like was it a one-time cheating thing, or has this been happening forever? Did he really love you when he said it? Is there more than one girl he’s sleeping with and do any of them know about you? So many questions. In response to the documents, Trump tweeted this out the other night:
Then yesterday morning, he held a press conference and criticized the intelligence agents for letting this information get out. He denied having any ties with Russia, but instead of saying the document wasn’t real, he just talked about how it was a mistake for the information to come out. That would be like confronting your boyfriend about lying to you and having him get mad that you found out, rather than apologize for the thing he did.
In summary, Trump is a lying boyfriend but you’re still trying to figure out just how much he lied about. Also you kind of already told him you’d marry him, so you’re not sure what to do now.
The Russia Hacking Scandal Explained By ‘Mean Girls’
It’s now been almost two months since the presidential election, but it’s still unclear exactly how all this shit went down. And by all this shit, we basically mean Russia interfering with things to help Donald Trump get elected. We’ve known for a while that this was probably a thing, but now we’re more sure than ever, and in the last week or so there have been several important developments in the saga. Buckle up, because this shit is like an episode of The Americans. But we can’t count on any of you to be up to date with that show, so instead we’ll explain it in terms we know you’ll understand: Mean Girls.
Last week, Obama finally decided to name names and sanction specific Russian individuals for election interference. He also ordered 35 Russian diplomats to leave the US, which is basically the political equivalent of the middle finger. In addition to some individuals, we also sanctioned the Russian intelligence agencies, so like, we are not chill with Russia at all right now.
The plot thickened the next day, when someone found computer code linked to known Russian hackers in an electrical facility in Vermont. Tbh Vermont is kind of unimportant, but chances are the hackers have been everywhere, so it’ll be interesting to see what other information comes out soon.
Everyone expected shit to hit the fan after Obama announced his sanctions, but so far Putin is playing it cool. He announced that no American diplomats have to leave Russia—but like, what if they’re really just being trapped there? We low-key know nothing about diplomacy, but this whole thing seems fragile to say the least. Putin said that, rather than being petty, he’ll try to repair US-Russia relations after Trump’s inauguration. That shouldn’t be too hard, considering that Trump and Putin are already like BFFs.
The US government isn’t backing down, with a State Department spokesperson saying this week that the government is “100% certain in the role that Russia played” in fucking with the election. All of the top cabinet officials and intelligence agencies agree on this, so at this point it’s basically a fact.
Meanwhile in Trumpland, it’s the same old story. Trump’s spokesman said on Monday that there’s still no evidence of any Russian hacking or its influence on the election, because denying the evidence definitely doesn’t benefit him in any way at all. Trump has still been tweeting about how stupid the whole thing is, so like lol. Trump is going to have a lot of work to do once he’s President, like deciding whether he actually wants to trust the FBI and CIA after talking shit about them for so long.
So at this point, what happens? Most likely, nothing. Trump will get inaugurated in a couple weeks, and then it would be up to Congress to impeach him if they think it’s warranted. But who’s in Congress now? Oh yeah, a ton of Republicans who got a boost in the election because they were on the ballot with Trump. Hahahaha fantastic. It’s going to be a long, scary four years.