I hate to be that asshole, but June is basically over which means we only have a limited amount of time before the countdown to PSL season begins. Too soon? Well, get over it, because the world is cold and the truth is harsh. The silver lining of heading into a time where everything dies (like my soul) is all of the back-to-school sales. However, I think if I buy one more pair of block heels before detoxifying my life, aka my closet, I might end up on a fucking episode of Hoarders. Or worse, my dad might remove me from the AmEx account. Like, where’s Kim to organize my hard-earned expensive wardrobe when I need her? If you keep telling yourself you’ll do it “tomorrow” (hi), the time is now to move your Uggs and Burberry scarves over and rid yourself of fugly pieces that are like, sooo 2004. Let’s be honest, you’re never going to wear them again if you know what’s good for you, so they’re probably just taking up space anyway. More importantly, you need to make room for whatever the fuck you ordered from Shopbop last night. To make feeling like a peasant less painful, here’s an official list of the shit you needed to toss like, yesterday. Pour a lot of wine, turn on Spotify, and let’s get this over with.
1. Peep-Toe Wedges/Heels/Anything
I literally have never fucking liked these. Any time my own mother tried to wear hers, I’d hide them because I’d never be caught in public associating myself with someone who did. They’re grotesque and probably give you blisters. I don’t care how much money they cost, there were def way cuter shoes to buy so you played yourself on that one. The good thing? There are still way cuter fucking shoes to buy.
2. Dresses You Wore Freshman Year Of College
Bandage and tiered dresses should’ve left the premises a long fucking time ago but if for some unknown reason you decided to simply tuck them away, throw that shit out immediately. Good memories last—because like, pictures—but ugly clothes do not. These are making a comeback as much as Usher is—yeah, not happening. You have plenty of other hotter dresses to make new memories in, whether you actually remember the nights or not.
^ I can almost guarantee you that these bitches got rid of whatever the fuck these are—not outfits, let me tell you—as soon as they were done filming.
Unless they’re waist-cinchers or corset belts, get rid of them. When was the last time you actually wore one with pants? Like, seriously. That’s what I thought. If the Kardashians aren’t wearing it, we aren’t wearing it.
4. Tarnished Jewelry
If you’re still wearing fake bling because you just love it so much and you still get the best compliments on it, there’s this place (well, a couple of them, really) called Forever 21. LOL. Welcome to 2017. I’m positive they still have equally fake things that don’t look like they’ve been sitting in an ocean for years. It’s tacky, gross, and unless it’s some precious gem your great (x10)-grandma passed down to you, just get some new jewels. Tip: Make an investment for real jewelry if you wear it like, everyday.
5. Bags That Are Falling Apart
Even though the straps are shredding or there’s just a huge-ass hole for whatever reason, you decided to hold on to it because it’s Chanel. You’re praying for a miracle but it’s not going to happen. The time for your fave bag has come to an end. Even if it can’t be replaced, you will find another you’ll fall in love with, probs sooner rather than later. I know this advice works because it’s similar to what I give my friends after they meet a guy at the bar who doesn’t call back. Basically, just:
6. Low-Rise Jeans
If they sit where your underwear is, then no. Those times are long over. Unlike the denim skirt, this 2000s trend isn’t coming back. Not now, not ever so, they can leave.