‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Are You 34 Or 16?

We’re already on episode 6 of the eighth season of Vanderpump Rules, which means we only have about 14 weeks to go. *Pops a Xanax* (don’t worry guys, I am legally prescribed). I don’t know why I do it to myself year after year, but at this point, I’ve committed to a consistent season of Vanderpump Rules longer than I’ve had any relationship in New York. But it’s fine, I’m fine! Maybe I’ll start adding that to my dating app profiles; things can’t go any worse for me at this point.

Anyway, you all know what time it is: Pride time! In past years, SUR Pride has brought us Scheana’s ear-splitting excuse for singing, James’s body-shaming, and lots of back-alley conversations. Can’t wait to see what this year will bring!

The episode opens with Schwartz saying “I have so much laundry debt, I need a counselor.” Normally I wouldn’t even bother making a note about the opening sequences because they’re total throwaways, but I cannot let this go: what is laundry debt? You mean you have laundry to do? Do you like, owe piles of laundry (or money) to a laundry shark who is now holding your clothes hostage? I can’t tell if I hate that phrase or I love it so much I’m going to start using it every week.

While that will go largely unresolved unless Schwartz somehow reads these recaps and decides to clarify, Sandoval comes over, brandishing rainbow bedazzled motorcycle jackets and sneakers for Pride, and I cannot decide if he had these specially made for Pride or just had them lying around. Both possibilities would track equally.

James is the ticking time bomb that everyone fears is going to go off during his DJing stint at TomTom during Pride. (Can’t imagine why, probably because you’re letting an alcoholic DJ on one of the busiest and least supervised days of the year?) Sandoval (and everyone else) has to make it seem like James just has this incredible DJ presence and he has this great energy that makes people buy drinks, and while I respect the art of DJing, James is not exactly the next Tiësto because he throws a couple hip-hop songs together and yells “PUMPTINIIII” into the mic. Really, they all have to pretend like James is a musical prodigy because they can’t just state the obvious, which is that people come to see James because he is on TV and people are thirsty.

Elsewhere at Lisa’s house, Scheana, Raquel, and Danica are over for some reason. What a motley crew. By the way, shouts out to the Bravo editors, who are truly working harder than the devil this season by showing video montages of everyone’s lies and bullsh*t. This time, after Scheana insists that Max is her “best friend”, they show a montage (that probably could have been longer than the Oscars tbh) of Scheana insisting whichever slampiece of the moment was her “best friend.” Immediately after, they show Scheana, edited to make it look like she is talking to herself, spiraling into hysterics trying to insist that she’s not jealous of Dayna. I have no choice but to stan.

Scheana insists in her talking head, “clearly I am not jealous of Dayna,” and I’ve got to wonder how it is supposedly clear to Scheana, because it’s not clear to any of us. In fact, the exact opposite is clear. 

Raquel uses this very moment to bring up the fact that Dayna will be getting her hair done with Raquel’s stylist the next day. Raquel, read the room. Scheana continues to go on and on about how she’s NOT JEALOUS OF DAYNA and everyone else is so over it at this point that they’re openly texting at the table. Same tho. Scheana, if you can’t handle getting a blowout in the same vicinity as this girl, then you DO have a jealousy problem.

Ariana comes over, and Lisa asks her if she’s still feeling depressed. Lisa then opens up about the depression she felt after her brother’s suicide, and it’s overall a great moment for mental health awareness. However. Ariana describes a moment she had where she was driving her car on the freeway and thought to herself “what if I just drove my car off the freeway?” and I feel compelled to point out that those are called intrusive thoughts and are pretty normal. Anyone who’s ever had a flash of thought about punting the baby next to them across the street knows what I’m talking about! Anyway. All in all, though, I’m here for this mental health awareness moment and I will physically fight anyone who calls Ariana negative or a downer. SHE IS DOING HER BEST! WE MUST PROTECT HER AT ALL COSTS. And being open about your struggles doesn’t make you a “downer”. K I’m done.

Okay, so Lala, Stassi, and Brittany are hanging out and basically talking about Pride. I also have to commend Stassi for pointing out that James being hired is ridiculous; they LITERALLY LIVE IN LOS ANGELES, where every random person on the street probably “is a DJ” (has a Soundcloud account) and they don’t need to rely on the human embodiment of Russian Roulette that is James Kennedy. And while that may be true, again, every random DJ on the street is not a cast member on this show who can guarantee hundreds of fans will show up (though I’m sure they’d like to be).

It is at this time that I must confess to you all my conflicted feelings about James. Yes, he says gross things to women. Yes, he seems to be treating Raquel very badly (more on this momentarily). But also, he is f*cking hilarious. Case in point: right after the Fofty/Randall feud heard ‘round the world, he posted a caption on Instagram referencing Fofty’s infamous “money by Monday” threat. Misogynist or not, alcoholic or not, this is plain hilarious, and in a sense I respect that James is the only person who is not going to suck Lala’s metaphorical dick just to ensure he can get rides on Randall’s private jet. Of course, Lala didn’t appreciate this one bit, which is why she and James stopped talking. I’m sorry, but this was national news, not some fringe internet feud. It’s f*cking fair game. If Fifty Cent ever threatened me publicly, I would allow—nay, expect—my friends to make jokes about it until the end of time (and even in the afterlife when we’re all chilling in Hell).

The next morning, Dayna leaves Max’s apartment and has to (gasp) barrel curl her own hair because Scheana took her spot with Raquel’s hairstylist, aka Scheana probably threw a fit and refused to be in the same vicinity as Dayna. I wish I could take credit for this epic burn, but is she 34 or 16?

Over at SUR, they are down a bartender, and Jax is throwing a fit. Good thing this isn’t happening at TomTom, otherwise Sandoval would personally burn the entire place down and ban everyone’s spirits from ever setting foot in the establishment to haunt it. Jax is also refusing to help set up because he says “I don’t do that.” Really, he’s just jealous that he doesn’t get to be on the float and the other waitstaff does, because in Jax Taylor’s world, he is the number one guy in the group and HE should be the one on the float, dammit!

Ariana appreciation post #2 for this being her first Pride as an out bisexual woman. Again, we must protect her at all costs.

And the honorary Oscar for Best Editing once again goes to the producers for so expertly exposing how Jax is completely full of sh*t, claiming he doesn’t find Dayna hot, when in reality, he knows Brittany would pull a Lorena Bobbitt on him if he so much as got caught on camera breathing in her direction with purpose. He claims he doesn’t like blondes, so naturally all the Bravo producers have to do is splice together all the footage of every time Jax dated a blonde. It’s enough times to constitute a pattern. The only missed opportunity is them not reshowing how Jax blatantly hit on Lala when she first emerged on this show, because as much as they like to pretend otherwise, we all know something happened.

Beau somehow manages to show up to Pride looking like a heterosexual Southern dad, and I think there’s something to be said for that. Lala, meanwhile, looks like a Kylie Jenner knockoff with her lip fillers and green wig.

vanderpump rules season 8 episode 6

That lip liner will haunt me in my dreams.

Lala pulls James out from behind the DJ booth, which seems ill-advised, because isn’t he on the clock? She does this so he can apologize (with terrible audio that I can barely hear) for the Fofty caption. I’m actually pretty confused because I thought just last episode Lala forgave James, and basically said they were friends again? I thought we were past this.

James has asked for a “soda water with lime, and a little… you know” and Max returns with what appears to be soda water, and lime, but in a Casamigos cup. To me, the cup is not necessarily indicative of anything sketchy, because it was one of those sh*tty plastic reusable cups that the liquor distributor probably gave the bar for free, but the camera zooms in on the logo to hammer the point home anyway. Was “you know” a code for a little splash of liquor? Some pasta? As James is walking away, Lala accuses him of not having a non-alcoholic drink, and she appears to be on the money because James won’t let her have a sip of it. I’m kind of impressed James had the brain cells/foresight to not openly ask for liquor while he’s mic’d up, but also obviously disappointed that he is drinking again and pretending he’s not.

I will now demote the VPR producers one (1) Oscar for making me listen to Scheana’s terrible music again, even if just through a flashback of Stassi talking about how she wanted to impale herself because of it. Great, now I guess we’re both impaling ourselves.

Raquel apparently missed James’s whole set because she got carried away at Pride, so he does a normal and well-adjusted thing and calls her to curse her out and tell her to f*ck herself. Ah yes, spoken like someone who definitely isn’t in a belligerent drunken rage. 

Hearing Raquel be like “James was totally in the wrong but I don’t want to say anything to him because he’ll explode in anger” is seriously dark. What is with the emotional abuse on this show?? Raquel, blink twice if you need help. The girls will probably like you better if you leave James anyway.

James goes to say hi to Lisa after his set, and you could tell that she’s visibly surprised that he isn’t falling-down drunk at this point. Baby steps, I guess? Hearing James try to get Lisa to be proud of him is very depressing. I’m picking up on some mommy issues here, anyone else?

Raquel is not having a good day, because after getting verbally abused by her boyfriend, she then no-showed for her shift at SUR, so she’s going to get reamed out by Peter (the one person on this show who may actually be doing their job). Peter takes her (and James, who is there for some reason) out back to chew her out for not showing up because the whole restaurant was understaffed. 

No one:
James: 

ight i'mma head out

Peter appreciation post for getting his five minutes of fame, getting to yell at Raquel and tell her she needs to choose between her boyfriend or her job. Love you Peter. Enjoy your time back in the hole Bravo keeps you in! I hope you brought snacks and plenty of entertainment, because by my calculations, you won’t be back until the reunion when Bravo lets you out to serve the cast a tray of drinks.

And now the Bravo producers have lost their other honorary Oscar for making me listen to Sceheana sing “Good As Gold” AGAIN, for real this time, not even in a flashback. It’s like they want me to imaple myself? *Grabs nearest shiv* Fine, I’ll do it!

But for real, how much do we think Scheana bribed everyone in the vicinity for a chance to sing a song nobody wanted to hear?

Coming off the high of her performance, Scheana grabs Dayna outside to talk (and also grabs her inhaler because this might get heated). 

 

View this post on Instagram

 

gotta get a hit

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Dayna basically calls Scheana out for being the only person to haze her, and the whole Max thing, and yadda yadda yadda. You’ve all seen it. Dayna asks Scheana if she’s 34 or 16. Bravo. She hit the nail on the head. (Also, the outfits are not helping.)

Dayna calls it like it is and says she feels Scheana is threatened of her. Scheana, in a slightly believable spin (but that still isn’t fooling me), makes this more about Dayna stealing Scheana’s friends instead of her man. Oh, I’m sorry, her “best friend”. 

Lmfao at Scheana’s logic: “this new girl comes in, starts hanging out with my friends, and they all go to her comedy show. What are her intentions?”

Dayna: ….To make friends?

Scheana cannot take the heat and immediately starts breaking down crying. She says something that leads me to believe that she may be undergoing preparation for her egg freezing treatment at this time. If that is the case, I will reluctantly give her a pass, because that sh*t is f*cking brutal. I can barely keep my sh*t together on my placebo birth control days, I couldn’t imagine willingly injecting myself with a f*ckton of hormones and trying to not go on a homicidal rage.

And that’s it for this week! Overall, a kind of boring Vanderpump Rules Pride, I must say. I hope next week they continue where we left off, because I know that James is about one second from flying off the handle, and that is going to be a full-on disaster.

Images: Bravo (2); Nickelodeon, bravobybetches / Instagram

Scheana Has Turned Her Back On Stassi, Katie & Kristen

Last week, we broke your innocent little hearts when we told you Katie and Schwartzy were probs having marital problems due to scientific evidence we collected social media stalking we conducted. If you were shocked by this, you clearly didn’t watch last season. I have a healthier relationship with my pizza delivery guy than this husband and wife duo. Even if they vehemently deny that they’re having issues, we all know it’s the truth. But now we have some more off-season scoop for you about a different Vanderpump Rules cast member. Scheana has officially switched teams and isn’t Stassi and Katie’s bitch bestie, and is instead Lala’s co-thot friend. Maybe they bonded over sleeping with married dudes? I mean, I’ve only been saying it all season.

Based on extensive research more social media stalking, it looks like the two new cliques formed pretty much as soon as the reunion ended a few months ago. Scheana and Lala have been flying on jets and taking the same hoodie selfies I took with my friends in middle school; Stassi and Katie went to Europe.

Scheana Marie And Lala Kent

The Instagram who-are-the-cooler-friends competition is real. But it came to a head this weekend when the head blonde betches of each group—Stassi and Ariana, duh—had separate parties since their birthdays are the same day and they fucking hate each other. I mean, there hasn’t been a head-to-head feud this big since Derek and Hansel’s walk off.

Walk Off

Ariana decided to stop being the cool girl who likes NASCAR and tuxedos and had a kings and queens party where Lala, Scheana, and other peeps wore lingerie and crowns. It’s the new sexy mouse, I guess. While Stassi had a joyful affair where everyone dressed like dead people. How Stassi.

Stassi Schroeder's Birthday

Kristen and Katie were obvi there, and it looks like even hillbilly Brittany was on the dark, less-slutty side. From what I can tell, Brittany is still friends with everyone (fucking nicegirl) but choosing one friend’s bday over another def makes a statement. Or maybe she’s just afraid because Stassi takes her bday v seriously. Regardless, we’re just ready to see this shit play out on our TVs. Let the body shaming commence.

Update: Just when you thought Brittany couldn’t get any more lovable, it was brought to our attention that she attended both birthday parties. Which begs the question why everyone else couldn’t have done that. Guess we’ll find out next season.

Looks Like Tom Schwartz & Katie Maloney Have Split

Around this time every year, I hit a no Vanderpump Rules depression. It hasn’t been on in a few months and we still have forever until it’s back. And, I mean, sure, there’s Southern Charm and all, but that’s not fucking the same. And don’t @ me about goddamn Jax and Brittany Take Kentucky or whatever that hillbilly shit is. It doesn’t count. It’s fake news. But thankfully, the Bravo gods heard our prayers and dropped some off-season dramz in our laps: It looks like Tom and Katie, who have been married less than year, might not be together anymore. Color me shocked. But just to be certain, we’ve taken all the evidence and broken it down so we can investigate ourselves. Feel free to add in the Law & Order dun-dun’s for dramatic effect.

Evidence Tom & Katie Broke Up

Exhibit A: Jax’s tweet

A few days ago, someone tweeted at Jax asking if TomKat had split and his response was “Yeah he dipped out of the country. He said f this and left. Apparently going on a poker tour was more important.” Okay. Tbh, this could be a joke. This is Jax we’re talking about here. The truth isn’t exactly his first language, but still. He’s also known for opening his big slutty mouth when he’s supposed to keep a secret. Let’s just say it’s enough to get people talking.

Jax

Exhibit B: They haven’t posted any photos together since March… until yesterday

If this was an everyday couple from, idk, Nebraska or something, this would be nbd. But these are bartender reality TV stars who live in LA. Not posting a pic together in four months is a more official sign of a breakup than fucking divorce papers. Yesterday she posted a solo pic of Schwartzy with a basic MCM caption. Vom. And like, couldn’t you be a little more convincing than a ‘Gram of him by himself without pants on? You’re clearly just trying to make it look like you’re still together. Fucking duh.

Exhibit C: Everything we saw on last season of VPR

Tbh, you shouldn’t even need exhibits A and B to believe that they’re dunzo. I mean, season 5 was evidence enough that these two are NOT meant to be together and will get divorced eventually. Sorry, naive fools optimists. It ain’t happening. Tom calls her a bitch every five seconds, Katie screams in public that his dick doesn’t work. Like, them calling it quits would hands down be the least shocking thing to happen so far this year by a fucking mile.

Katie Maloney

Evidence Tom & Katie Are Still Together

Exhibit A: Katie says the rumors are false

Or would this be Exhibit D? Idk. I’m not a lawyer. Since Jax’s tweet, Katie has been tweeting up a storm trying to make us all believe they’re still together. She tried the sarcastic route to make it look like the claims were ridic and even got Jax to chime in and make it look like a joke. Then went more serious calling an article about them breaking up fake news. Ya know, the usual celeb denial tour. Does this mean I believe her? Fuck no. But it has to be brought into evidence nonetheless. IMO, this is just to make us believe everything is wonderful in Bubba Land so by the time season 6 drops, their divorce is a big surprise and Katie still has the main storyline instead of it going back to being all about Stassi.

Stassi Schroeder

Exhibit B: According to the tweet, Schwartz is off playing poker.

You might be wondering how is this evidence one way or the other. And that’s because you’re not as obsessed with Vanderpump Rules smart as me. The fact is that Schwartz would be the world’s worst poker player. I mean, it’s almost laughable. First of all, he’s unemployed and therefore has no money. What official poker tour involves poor people? There isn’t one. Second, he can’t even handle the pressure of making a Pumptini without having a mental breakdown. How tf is he supposed to handle the pressure of gambling his life savings with a bunch of high rollers with guns? That’s a no from me, dawg.

The Verdict

Tom and Katie might not be divorcing yet, but it def won’t be long now. My guess is just in time for the season finale. And I plan to watch it all unfold when all is right with the world and Vanderpump Rules is back in a few months.

Stassi Schroeder And Patrick Are Back Together

Aside from Katie’s wedding to Schwartz and Lala’s married boyfriend, one of the main plot lines of this past season of Vanderpump Rules was Stassi tragically not having a boyfriend. What a brave soul. Oh yeah, and there was Scheana’s divorce. I almost forgot about that. But back to Stassi. This girl spent an entire season bitching and moaning about being single, and yet doing next to nothing about it (going on one blind date doesn’t count and neither does rejecting Kyle in a hot tub). Well it looks like we may never have to hear Stassi complain about her plight as a single woman again. That’s because Stassi got back together with Patrick, her on-again-off-again boyfriend who never appeared on camera and we all kind of thought was made up. Don’t lie, you wondered it. Well, Patrick is real and he’s dating Stassi again. Below, the receipts.

Exhibit A: This photo of Stassi and some untagged man who I learned after .5 seconds of Googling is in fact Patrick, captioned “Back again” with no less than three hearts. THREE. 

Stassi And Patrick

And if you’re looking for further receipts, check out what Stassi’s own friends said in response to this Instagram:

Stassi Schroeder And Patrik

That’s FOUR hearts from Katie and a heart, a 100 emoji, some sparks (I think?) and a rocker sign emoji from Kristen. Side note, get it together, Kristen. No one makes the rocker hand symbol anymore. This isn’t 2004. 

This is not just me wildly speculating for once, either. Patrick confirmed on some podcast called Stock Room Floor that he and Stassi are back together AND that he’s going to be appearing on next season of Vanderpump Rules. He says he doesn’t have drama with anybody and is “probably going to be very boring,” which could be accurate or it could be a cover-up since we all know about those girls who “hate drama”….

Anyway, congrats to Stassi. I’m happy for you, mostly because now you can stop bitching about being single and start bitching about Patrick not waiting on you hand and foot. Mazel!