Last week, we broke your innocent little hearts when we told you Katie and Schwartzy were probs having marital problems due to scientific evidence we collected social media stalking we conducted. If you were shocked by this, you clearly didn’t watch last season. I have a healthier relationship with my pizza delivery guy than this husband and wife duo. Even if they vehemently deny that they’re having issues, we all know it’s the truth. But now we have some more off-season scoop for you about a different Vanderpump Rules cast member. Scheana has officially switched teams and isn’t Stassi and Katie’s bitch bestie, and is instead Lala’s co-thot friend. Maybe they bonded over sleeping with married dudes? I mean, I’ve only been saying it all season.
Based on extensive research more social media stalking, it looks like the two new cliques formed pretty much as soon as the reunion ended a few months ago. Scheana and Lala have been flying on jets and taking the same hoodie selfies I took with my friends in middle school; Stassi and Katie went to Europe.
The Instagram who-are-the-cooler-friends competition is real. But it came to a head this weekend when the head blonde betches of each group—Stassi and Ariana, duh—had separate parties since their birthdays are the same day and they fucking hate each other. I mean, there hasn’t been a head-to-head feud this big since Derek and Hansel’s walk off.
Ariana decided to stop being the cool girl who likes NASCAR and tuxedos and had a kings and queens party where Lala, Scheana, and other peeps wore lingerie and crowns. It’s the new sexy mouse, I guess. While Stassi had a joyful affair where everyone dressed like dead people. How Stassi.
Kristen and Katie were obvi there, and it looks like even hillbilly Brittany was on the dark, less-slutty side. From what I can tell, Brittany is still friends with everyone (fucking nicegirl) but choosing one friend’s bday over another def makes a statement. Or maybe she’s just afraid because Stassi takes her bday v seriously. Regardless, we’re just ready to see this shit play out on our TVs. Let the body shaming commence.
Update: Just when you thought Brittany couldn’t get any more lovable, it was brought to our attention that she attended both birthday parties. Which begs the question why everyone else couldn’t have done that. Guess we’ll find out next season.
Around this time every year, I hit a no Vanderpump Rules depression. It hasn’t been on in a few months and we still have forever until it’s back. And, I mean, sure, there’s Southern Charm and all, but that’s not fucking the same. And don’t @ me about goddamn Jax and Brittany Take Kentucky or whatever that hillbilly shit is. It doesn’t count. It’s fake news. But thankfully, the Bravo gods heard our prayers and dropped some off-season dramz in our laps: It looks like Tom and Katie, who have been married less than year, might not be together anymore. Color me shocked. But just to be certain, we’ve taken all the evidence and broken it down so we can investigate ourselves. Feel free to add in the Law & Order dun-dun’s for dramatic effect.
Evidence Tom & Katie Broke Up
Exhibit A: Jax’s tweet
A few days ago, someone tweeted at Jax asking if TomKat had split and his response was “Yeah he dipped out of the country. He said f this and left. Apparently going on a poker tour was more important.” Okay. Tbh, this could be a joke. This is Jax we’re talking about here. The truth isn’t exactly his first language, but still. He’s also known for opening his big slutty mouth when he’s supposed to keep a secret. Let’s just say it’s enough to get people talking.
Exhibit B: They haven’t posted any photos together since March… until yesterday
If this was an everyday couple from, idk, Nebraska or something, this would be nbd. But these are bartender reality TV stars who live in LA. Not posting a pic together in four months is a more official sign of a breakup than fucking divorce papers. Yesterday she posted a solo pic of Schwartzy with a basic MCM caption. Vom. And like, couldn’t you be a little more convincing than a ‘Gram of him by himself without pants on? You’re clearly just trying to make it look like you’re still together. Fucking duh.
Exhibit C: Everything we saw on last season of VPR
Tbh, you shouldn’t even need exhibits A and B to believe that they’re dunzo. I mean, season 5 was evidence enough that these two are NOT meant to be together and will get divorced eventually. Sorry, naive fools optimists. It ain’t happening. Tom calls her a bitch every five seconds, Katie screams in public that his dick doesn’t work. Like, them calling it quits would hands down be the least shocking thing to happen so far this year by a fucking mile.
Evidence Tom & Katie Are Still Together
Exhibit A: Katie says the rumors are false
Or would this be Exhibit D? Idk. I’m not a lawyer. Since Jax’s tweet, Katie has been tweeting up a storm trying to make us all believe they’re still together. She tried the sarcastic route to make it look like the claims were ridic and even got Jax to chime in and make it look like a joke. Then went more serious calling an article about them breaking up fake news. Ya know, the usual celeb denial tour. Does this mean I believe her? Fuck no. But it has to be brought into evidence nonetheless. IMO, this is just to make us believe everything is wonderful in Bubba Land so by the time season 6 drops, their divorce is a big surprise and Katie still has the main storyline instead of it going back to being all about Stassi.
Exhibit B: According to the tweet, Schwartz is off playing poker.
You might be wondering how is this evidence one way or the other. And that’s because you’re not as obsessed with Vanderpump Rules smart as me. The fact is that Schwartz would be the world’s worst poker player. I mean, it’s almost laughable. First of all, he’s unemployed and therefore has no money. What official poker tour involves poor people? There isn’t one. Second, he can’t even handle the pressure of making a Pumptini without having a mental breakdown. How tf is he supposed to handle the pressure of gambling his life savings with a bunch of high rollers with guns? That’s a no from me, dawg.
The Verdict
Tom and Katie might not be divorcing yet, but it def won’t be long now. My guess is just in time for the season finale. And I plan to watch it all unfold when all is right with the world and Vanderpump Rules is back in a few months.
Aside from Katie’s wedding to Schwartz and Lala’s married boyfriend, one of the main plot lines of this past season of Vanderpump Rules was Stassi tragically not having a boyfriend. What a brave soul. Oh yeah, and there was Scheana’s divorce. I almost forgot about that. But back to Stassi. This girl spent an entire season bitching and moaning about being single, and yet doing next to nothing about it (going on one blind date doesn’t count and neither does rejecting Kyle in a hot tub). Well it looks like we may never have to hear Stassi complain about her plight as a single woman again. That’s because Stassi got back together with Patrick, her on-again-off-again boyfriend who never appeared on camera and we all kind of thought was made up. Don’t lie, you wondered it. Well, Patrick is real and he’s dating Stassi again. Below, the receipts.
Exhibit A: This photo of Stassi and some untagged man who I learned after .5 seconds of Googling is in fact Patrick, captioned “Back again” with no less than three hearts. THREE.
And if you’re looking for further receipts, check out what Stassi’s own friends said in response to this Instagram:
That’s FOUR hearts from Katie and a heart, a 100 emoji, some sparks (I think?) and a rocker sign emoji from Kristen. Side note, get it together, Kristen. No one makes the rocker hand symbol anymore. This isn’t 2004.
This is not just me wildly speculating for once, either. Patrick confirmed on some podcast called Stock Room Floor that he and Stassi are back together AND that he’s going to be appearing on next season of Vanderpump Rules. He says he doesn’t have drama with anybody and is “probably going to be very boring,” which could be accurate or it could be a cover-up since we all know about those girls who “hate drama”….
Anyway, congrats to Stassi. I’m happy for you, mostly because now you can stop bitching about being single and start bitching about Patrick not waiting on you hand and foot. Mazel!
