For the better part of a decade, Vanderpump Rules has been one of Bravo’s most beloved, top-tier shows; one might call it The Hills of the 2010s. I mean, this crew had everything you would want in a reality show—complicated love triangles, constant gossiping about one another, and everyone was broke, which meant they were extra thirsty for camera time—and everyone loved it. But over the years, the show seemed to slowly lose its spark, and with the recent season nine premiere falling flat both ratings-wise and reception-wise, it’s time that we address how boring the show has become. There’s a lack of connection throughout the cast, the personal storylines are tired, and the whole show has a general lack of direction. On the whole, it’s incredibly stale, and just doesn’t live up to the hype anymore. So let’s get into why one of the most dramatic reality shows on TV went from iconic to basic, boring, and unoriginal.
Listen, it’s no mystery that people now are streaming more than watching live TV (link), so I was expecting a bit of a decline in the ratings for VPR. However, I was shook when I saw that the show’s new season premiered with 637,000 viewers, compared to last year’s premiere that brought in 1.27 million viewers. But somehow, it makes sense. The show lost four of its main characters (deservedly so), and whether you loved them or hated them, they did have big fanbases that tuned in every week. In addition, the promotional efforts for this season felt weaker than usual, which does affect ratings, and yet, I don’t blame Bravo. What exactly is there to promote? See, I, for one, was excited for the show to focus more on the cast’s personal lives instead of them pretending to work at SUR. I thought this would finally be what the show needed, but boy, was I wrong.
That’s not to say that no one’s personal storylines are interesting. I’m happy for Scheana and Lala and their journey with motherhood; it’s wonderful to watch, and I feel like these two have brought the most drama so far. But other than them, what are we getting? I love Katie, but she was the snarky voice of reason with her BFFs Stassi and Kristen, and without them, she kind of falls flat. Tom and Ariana, while a very cute couple, are boring to watch. James and Raquel are doing fantastic, but I just can’t get myself to care. The issue here is that this season doesn’t have the one asshole that we’re all used to hating on. Jax Taylor, while absolutely terrible, was a reliable source of drama for the show. for eight seasons. Jax was so bad that he made everyone look like an angel in comparison.
The feuds that we see this season are nothing new. VPR has always been a show where everyone gets into conflict in almost every episode. However, now that a sizable chunk of the cast is gone, those feuds are lasting way longer than they should be. I understand why; the cast probably wants to make a great show. But it makes me wonder—what exactly is the show about now? What made VPR stand out was the cast’s connection through SUR. Without that connection, it’s just another boring ensemble show set in Valley Village. The show has also hit a point where I don’t believe that this group would be friends in real life, without the obligation of filming together. I usually wouldn’t mind that because most Housewives franchises are set up the same way, yet because there isn’t any explosive drama happening this season, there’s just not a lot of material to work with. I can’t help but feel like we need someone to play the asshole on the show, someone who is consistently unbearable and makes everything about themself. Even though Tom Sandoval checks all of those requirements (he’s horrible, I’m sorry), I do not see him becoming the new Jax any time soon, because he seems to be a favorite of production. All of this in mind, maybe the way to save this show is by bringing in new blood?
I do know that there was apprehension with adding too many people last season, and rightfully so. But I think the reason it didn’t work out was that the newbies didn’t mesh well with the OGs. There was a lack of connection and just an overall awkwardness within the cast. Also, there were just too many damn people and too many disjointed storylines to follow. However, next season would be the perfect time to focus on new people, especially now that the OG cast, who was the show’s central focus, is largely gone. I feel like Vanderpump Rules is one of the shows that could do well if they had a consistent cast rotation, a consistent revamp. I think TomTom would be the perfect place for this to happen. Shifting the focus from SUR to TomTom is absolutely the only way this show could become interesting again. There are so many different characters at TomTom from the glimpses that we’ve seen in the past two seasons, and some of those people must be willing to get messy on camera. We could keep the two Toms and their partners, and then build a cast around TomTom. If Bravo wants this show to continue successfully, they need to introduce new people and new vibes. Otherwise, it may be last call for LVP and her motley crew.
Image: Randy Shropshire/Bravo
Vanderpump Rules’ Jax Taylor is many things: a cheater, a liar, a manipulator, the Number One Guy In The Group. He is also one of the most notoriously sensitive people on social media, second only to Jonathan Cheban. And he’s fully aware that he can be extreme when it comes to blocking, telling Us Weekly, “I’d rather block them, because they think they’re being cute, so I’m just going to block them. They want to say something and see what they can get away with, so I block them.” Jax is so quick to block people who call him out, in fact, that his behavior has inspired an Instagram account and “Blocked By Jax on Twitter” T-shirts and other apparel. When it comes to blocking, Jax does not discriminate. He has blocked his own cast mates including Kristen and Tom Sandoval, fellow Bravolebrities like Below Deck‘s Captain Lee, and many a random internet hater.
So I decided to speak to a few of those aforementioned internet haters and chat with them about the circumstances—and the offending tweets—that caused them to get blocked by Jax on Twitter.
Evelyn M, a member of the Bravo by Betches Facebook group, says she was blocked in March of this year after tweeting a reaction to a Vanderpump Rules marathon. In a bold move, she tagged Jax, which earned her a swift block.
Lmao all this #VanderpumpRules marathon proves is that @mrjaxtaylor has not changed
— Ev (@eviemacs) March 24, 2020
Amira A, another Bravo by Betches group member, said, “Jax blocked me on Twitter because I said Stassi dodged a bullet that Brittany has to deal with.” She didn’t even tag him directly, she said: “I tagged #vanderpumprules.” Upon finding the tweet, she said, “he proceeded to cuss me out and block me, along with whoever else was in the thread.” She recalled, “it wasn’t a good episode for him, and people were letting him have it I believe,” clarifying that it was the episode when Brittany famously told Jax to rawt in hail after finding out he had sex with Faith.
Twitter user and @bravobybetches follower @Lynn_S_A was blocked just last week, after tweeting some opinions on the Vanderpump Rules OGs. She tweeted in reply to Kristen Doute revealing that she went to Sandoval’s pool party because Jax had uninvited her to his, and was one of at least 170 replies to the tweet. She did not tag Jax, nor did she even write out his full name. That he was able to sift through so many replies to find the tweet is nothing short of impressive.
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While making a joke about passing an STD onto his then-fiancé may not have been exactly nice, it’s far from the worst thing someone could say about Jax, and even far from the worst true thing one could say. However, this word play made @facesbybravo the lucky winner of a blocking.
@lucyontheground, another pop culture meme maker, was blocked by Jax on Instagram as recently as Tuesday night. She told me via DM, “I am so confused… it must have happened last night because I haven’t watched for weeks.” She elaborated, “I called him a man child last night and said he and Brittany just like to complain and be unhappy,” but added, “I don’t even tag him… he had to come looking.” A subsequent meme on her account poking fun at being blocked has racked up comments from other users who have also been met with the same fate.
Perhaps most perplexingly, @twobravosisters got blocked by Jax for sharing his now-wife, Brittany Cartwright’s before and after pictures with Kybella, an injectable treatment that decreases fat cells beneath the chin. Two Bravo Sisters put it on their Instagram stories back in 2018, which was when they got blocked. The perplexing part is that Brittany having had Kybella wasn’t some secret Two Bravo Sisters exposed—the very plastic surgery group Brittany used posted her before and afters on Instagram, and then @twobravosisters shared that post on their stories. They told us they were “confused” by Taylor’s reaction.
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Our beautiful patient @brittany received 2 sessions of Kybella injectable treatment to decrease the fat cells beneath the chin. The active ingredient in Kybella mimics the naturally occurring deoxycholic acid molecules in the body, which aid in breakdown and absorption of dietary fat. The best part is that once destroyed, these cells can no longer store or accumulate fat! 🙌🏼 #kybella #kybellabeforeandafter #kybellainjection #kybellatreatment #injections #face #neck #beforeandafter #medspa #plastic #plasticsurgery #plasticsurgeon #beverlyhills #beautiful #glow #neckfat #doublechin #allergan #vanderpumprules #reality #beforeandafter #realresults #liposuction #coolsculpting @vanderpumprulesoffical @bravotv @bravoandy
From big to small accounts, from individuals to faceless meme-makers, no one is immune to Jax’s wrath. And while sometimes Jax just blocks and moves on, other times he starts all-out wars, and then blocks. This is what happened to Kaye, the creator of the original “Blocked by Jax” apparel, which she sells on her Etsy shop, Gold Half Moon.
In 2019 he announced that he intended to produce “blocked by Jax” merch via Kristen Doute’s clothing company, before promptly getting dragged for ripping off a small business—Gold Half Moon had been making “blocked by Jax” apparel for a while.
“I did have IRL beef when I made the blocked by Jax sweatshirts and he claimed I stole the idea from him and I was selling ‘cheap fakes’ that disintegrated in the wash,” she told me.
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* UPDATE 11/22 – Magen, co-owner of JamesMae, reached out via DM with an apology and to say that she didn’t know the sweatshirts existed before she RTed Jax’s announcement from BravoCon, and that they were “hold off on making the shirts” (verbatim) on producing them. In a follow-up comment she confirmed they are not making the shirts. Sharing her DM on my stories and in a highlight (JamesMae) with her permission. Thank you everyone for your support, comments, shares, kind DMs, etc, I am so so so grateful. Jax, if you’ve somehow unblocked me to read this: you’re still a dick. ✌🏼 ——————- Just putting this here for posterity to remind J*x that not only did he take my idea, he also spread lies about the quality of a product he’s never owned and called it a “knockoff” when as of now, “his” t-shirt doesn’t exist, all because he’s salty he didn’t think of it first. Please note the time stamp, this is after Ariana bought it earlier this month, then wore and shared it when she wore it at BravoCon (Tom too). Not surprised J*x would to try to profit from his shitty behavior AND fuck my business, but man, I’m disappointed.
Despite Jax coming for her products, though, Magen, the co-owner of James Mae, quickly reached out to apologize for Jax’s remarks, explain that it was never her intention to go after Kaye’s business, and promise not to make the shirts. Despite James Mae and Gold Half Moon kissing and making up, Jax didn’t seem to have gotten the memo, and at least in November 2019, still had her blocked.
Nobody has to tolerate negativity or trolling, and everyone can do whatever they want with their personal social media accounts. But it’s one thing to block trolls who invade your comments, and another thing to personally go looking for any mentions of your name. It’s nothing short of hilarious to imagine a 40-year-old man spending his days trawling the internet for people who talk sh*t about him, who aren’t even in his mentions, just so he can block them. Jax can’t take the heat, but he also can’t stay out of the kitchen. Even better, he will go out of his way to look for any heat, so he can burn down the kitchen in a towering inferno of self-righteousness.
Oh, and I forgot one more person who’s blocked by Jax: me, surely, after this article goes live.
Image: Bravo / Contributor
14 episodes into this season of Vanderpump Rules, and I still feel like nothing really of note has happened. Jax and Brittany’s wedding charade came and went. Kristen is spiraling further inside of herself. Lala is doubling down on her role as the cast bully. But are any of these actual events? This is nothing like Jax banging Kristen, or Kristen flying up Miami girl to accost Sandoval, or even Kristen wearing that desperate green dress to go “get her mail” post-breakup. I’m beginning to truly come to terms with the fact that Vanderpump Rules is so far removed from its heyday that it can never return. It is a shell of what it once was. Or am I being too idealistic? After all, even with all that said, I do think this has been comparatively a good season.
When last week ended, Randall pranked Sandoval by way of Jax by getting him fake-arrested; the only person who vocally did not find it funny was Katie. This ends with Schwartz saying some truly gross things about his wife, and him being genuinely shocked that Katie does not still leave the party with him. Then again, these two just might be two toxic peas in a radioactive pod: Schwartz yells “that’s why I don’t f*ck her”; Katie screams about how his d*ck doesn’t work. A day in the life of the Bubbas.
This episode opens with Schwartz, Beau, Jax, and Max at a skate park—fitting considering all these guys have the emotional maturity of 14-year-olds. Jax asked Schwartz if he’s “squashed things” between him and Katie, and although I don’t think Jax is any kind of master—or even adequtae—wordsmith, given that he does not even know how to pronounce the word “inevitably”, I do find the fact that he refers to a serious issue in Schwartz and Katie’s marriage as something that needs to be “squashed” troubling.
I spent all this time using my creative writing degree, and came back into the other half of this cast at axe throwing, where Raquel is very good (respect) and Dayna is telling Brett about his big d*ck energy. Is this flirting now? You just… tell the guy he has a big d*ck? No wonder male mediocrity is at an all-time high.
At SUR, Charli tells a table of patrons that she is a picky person about her cheesecake so she goes to the Cheesecake Factory. We truly do not deserve her.
Guillermo comes up to Lisa to air some grievances about Danica. She apparently screwed up her food order at one of her two tables, which somehow resulted in one table getting overcharged $200? I’m not really clear on how that happened. I don’t really think it’s important, what is important is that Lisa clearly regrets hiring an Instagram model to manage one of her restaurants.
The next day, Schwartz and Katie are like, debriefing on their fight or whatever and Katie says she feels the prank was a little insensitive given the times we’re in. Uhh… do we… stan a woke queen? No, you’re right, the bar is so f*cking low for this show that I’ve deluded myself. But, we are cool with an aware person. I’ll say that.
Schwartz’s immediate response, though, is to snap, “don’t be a social justice warrior,” which is equal parts disappointing and unsurprising. Sheesh, read a f*cking newspaper. Ok, no you’re right, that’s asking too much. Read a f*cking tweet or two.
Hold on hold on hold on. Schwartz feels that Katie’s reaction to a prank on a 40-year-old was dumb and immature? But the prank itself was, what? The height of comedy and maturity? Am I living in the Upside Down?
This fight is completely glossed over with one half-assed apology and a little bit of baby talk from Schwartz, which is all it takes for him to get away with anything. I could see this scenario 100% happening:
Judge: On the charge of first-degree murder, how do you plead?
Schwartz: Your honor, I just like, don’t know, did I mess up? Yeah I guess, but, I’m trying my hardest… *puppy dog eyes*
Judge: You’re absolutely right, case dismissed and I award the defendant $1 million for his pain and suffering.
The next day, Katie, Stassi, and Kristen meet to talk about planning a Witches of Weho party. Stassi admitting that she’d rather be a dictator than part of a democracy is probably the most on-brand thing she has ever said. Anyone remember the “Nazi chic” scandal? It’s important to know yourself, I guess.
Lisa and Stassi’s mom join them for some reason, and Lisa spills the beans about seeing everyone in Vegas. The tea? Katie and Tom are getting married for real there, and Kristen. Isn’t. Invited. Wow, this sh*t is for real, then.
Dayna and Brett are… meeting for drinks? *Checks screen again* they’re on a date? Huh? All it took was one BDE comment and they’re on a date already? This is hella strange. What’s also strange is that on this “date”, they’re like, pretending to psychoanalyze each other.
Brett: I feel like you have a good head on your shoulders.
Dayna: I’m getting a sense that you may have a complicated relationship with a father figure, whose name starts with J?
Like, did they just add each other on Co-Star? Why are they doing this?
Dayna opens up about losing her mom. And I don’t even open up about any of my traumas until I get to the altar. Not sure if I should be scared or impressed with her. But how long do we think she had that “I have more baggage than Tumi” comment in her back pocket? And furthermore, is it okay if I steal it?
So while Stassi is bitching to Lisa about how Beau hasn’t proposed yet, Beau is commandeering Katie and Schwartz to help out with the proposal, because he says they’re the only people he knows who can keep a secret. Has he met Schwartz? Schwartz can’t even keep a bartending shift.
Naturally, Kristen calls Scheana to ask what the deal is with Vegas, and naturally, Scheana spills all the beans. Gotta say, I’m kind of into this subplot of Scheana being Kristen’s informant all season. It’s so random, but such a necessary little deus ex machina.
Brittany walks into SUR and greets Peter, and you can tell she’s just waiting for Peter to say something about how she’s a married woman now. Thankfully Peter doesn’t take the bait. I love it.
The fact that we are supposed to believe that Brittany is taking a waitressing job at Sur to support herself is actually offensive. Offensive that they think we, who have been riding or dying for the past 7.5 seasons, will believe this.
Ariana, Lala and Dayna are hanging out, and I’m not getting into this p*ssy tasting conversation, y’all, so don’t even ask. It’s kind of funny listening to Dayna give some fake justification why she’s ~suddenly~ into Brett (hint: a story line). Also funny that Dayna made a big show out of inviting Max to her birthday party, when in fact she did no such thing, but claims her party is an “open invite.” An “open invite” does not an invitation make. If it does, I’m pulling up next year.
Stassi and Beau are at dinner, once again fighting about whether or not they’re getting engaged. Instead of being like, “it’s coming, I have the ring, just chill out,” he’s like “nahhhh I’mma make it seem like I don’t really wanna get engaged and f*ck with her emotions and I’m stringing her along so she’ll be extra surprised when I finally pop the question.” That is an incredibly sh*tty take. And they are supposed to be the most stable VPR couple. Yikes. I’m beginning to see why the people in my Facebook groups aren’t as impressed with Beau as the general public seems to be.
Anyway, it’s time for Dayna’s birthday party. Unrelated but equally important: Charli named her boobs Tia and Tamera. Again, we don’t deserve an unintentional comedy queen.
Kristen takes Katie outside, and she’s already crying. Yikes haha, this isn’t going to end well. If there’s one thing Katie has disdain for, it’s open displays of emotion. And Kristen.
Katie and Kristen could not be on two more different pages. They’re not even in the same book, or on the same bookshelf. Katie is like, “Kristen, we haven’t been friends in a long time.” Meanwhile, Kristen is still insisting that she loves Katie and would jump in front of traffic for her. I too, would probably jump in front of traffic with respect to Katie, but with a different motive than Kristen for doing it.
Dayna hears that Scheana is actually upset about that she’s dating Max. No wait, Brett. I can’t keep up. Scheana is like, mad that Dayna didn’t clear the date with her? I thought she did that earlier at SUR? I’m very confused. I wish for once Scheana could call a spade a spade and just admit that she’s either A) just upset because she’s hormonal (this is me being generous) or B) upset because she wants to date Brett.
The more Scheana insists she doesn’t like Brett, the more I just want to scream “the lady doth protest too much”. She really doth, though!
Holy sh*t, thank God Lala finally called out Scheana for taking in all these stray f*ckboys as her “best friend” du jour when she really has an interest in them. Is sober Lala… me?
Damn, I do feel bad for Scheana. Spoken as the designated single friend who’s always witnessing everyone around her find happiness with “their person”, it like, gets kind of annoying being by yourself for yet another significant life event.
Anyway, the episode ends with some sappy speech from Dayna, and then she and Brett, covered in cake, making out. Plus a final gem from Charli, who tries to run away from the cake but ends up with it on her face and in her hair: my skincare routine is too expensive for this sh*t.
Hey all you cool cats and kittens, it’s Sara here, with this week’s Vanderpump Rules recap. Before we get started I must confess that I felt regret about possibly not going hard enough at Lala last episode. Many people on the internet pointed out that it was f*cked up of her to have outed James on television, and truthfully, that fact escaped me. I thought this was old news, and Lala was simply being messy. However, outing someone is a whole different ballgame, and one that is never okay.
Who also acted messy last week? Just about everyone. From Katie and Stassi openly kicking Kristen when she was down to Jax acting like a little bitch about having to put on a damn costume. And with that, the episode opens this week at Lisa’s stables. Oh, I forgot that Ariana is a horse girl but seeing this brought back up is giving me some semblance of joy. At least, I think, it’s been so long since I’ve felt that emotion. However, all the interactions that ensue with said horse have immediately killed whatever approximation to happiness I just felt. First off, there’s the fact that the horse responds to French. Is that really necessary? No. It is just a flex for Lisa to show off the fact that she speaks (okay) French. And also, there’s the thing with the horse penises (I swear, I had to check with my Assistant Editor to make sure this really did happen and I didn’t dream it last night). Did Lisa… try to jack off her horse? Hearing her and Ariana talk about their horses’ dicks just sent me. Goodbye to you all, I shall continue writing this recap from beyond the grave.
And on that note, we are back in Weho, or wherever Stassi lives, where Katie comes bearing In-N-Out for Stassi’s massive hangover.
Actual footage of Katie:
They go over the guest list of Katie’s Wine Night party, and it is the entire female work force of SUR, Pump, and TomTom, plus the female population of Weho, minus Kristen. Yes, I see this ending swimmingly for all parties involved.
Raquel confronts James about the rumor that he was drinking at the friend’s birthday party. James swears on his life that he didn’t, which is not really necessary if there is, in fact, video of this party. I sure hope this alleged drinking incident doesn’t become a whole Taylor/Kanye thing. Should we just release the tape?
At SUR, Scheana is in the middle of bragging about her whip from the other night to Raquel (nobody cares) and Raquel is thankfully given relief by Katie calling her to invite her to wine night. Would I rather listen to Scheana flex about her fake sexploits or drink wine with Katie? That’s a real Sophie’s Choice. I guess I’d choose the wine.
Brett has been “doing YouTube content” for four years, which is giving me major flashbacks to how “seriously” Ariana takes sketch comedy. He tries to give his fake elevator pitch for how #premium the content on his Youtube channel is, while the producers play us actual footage from his channel. It is clear the viewers come for one thing, and one thing only: his abs.
Scheana and Brett are having a hilarious moment where they think they totally understand each other and they could not be on more different pages. In the one corner, you have Brett all but telling Scheana he’d never so much as f*ck her blindfolded. In the other corner, you have Scheana saying in not so many words that she’s down to make him husband number two if he so much as bats his eyelashes in a suggestive way. In the third corner, you have me, dying of secondhand embarrassment.
The Toms, and Max for some reason, are discussing ways to prank Jax. Why is this a storyline, even for pretend? The guys agree to TP Jax’s house. Wasting toilet paper?? In this economy?! Should be a felony. Y’all remember the days when you could just like, waste toilet paper? Watching this is physically hurting me.
Predictably, Jax sees what they’ve done to his tree and does not find it funny, probably because he has no sense of humor unless he’s laughing at someone else’s expense. But also because the only person who would actually find this funny would be Greg Pikitis, and Jax is 40, not a student at Pawnee Middle School.
Brett comes over to film his TikTok or whatever, and Scheana manages to shoehorn in the fact that she had sex last night even though nobody, least of all Brett, asked.
Not a single soul:
Certainly not Brett:
Scheana: Yea so I didn’t sleep at home last night because I had sex four times.
Oh, Scheana. So sweet. So well-meaning. But so cringey all the same.
The thing about this f*ckgirl comment is that it made 100% sense. Scheana says she’s been dating f*ckboys, Brett points out that you attract the energy you put out, so does that make Scheana a f*ckgirl? He didn’t even really call her that, he asked if she would consider herself that. Big difference, if you ask me. Scheana completely goes ballistic that Brett would “call” her that (probably because, by extension, it means he wouldn’t take her home to mom), and has to assert for the billionth time that she’s just having fun and not looking for a relationship. Say it with me now:
Over at wine night, Katie is back on her mean girl bullsh*t—actually, that phrase implies that she’s ever gotten off of it—and says Kristen got herself not invited to this party. Like, no, you clearly extended this invitation to the entire female population of the U.S. minus Kristen. This is all you. These girls are brutal, sheesh.
Kristen learns about the wine night through Scheana who spilled the beans about this. Now, if this was seasons 2-5 Kristen, she would just crash the f*ck out of this lame gathering. But given that this is Sad Girl Kristen, and not Crazy Kristen, she’s probably just going to cry about it into her dogs. She really is a shell of what she once was.
Damn I actually feel bad for Kristen that she wasn’t invited to drink wine with her own wine partner. Dark.
Okay, so Dayna arrives at wine night guns a-blazin’, saying that she grew up drinking 40s and vodka out of plastic gallons, as if that makes her unique or alternative and not just…. A person who was once a teenager. You’ve got to be f*cking kidding. I want to like this girl, but she is making it difficult.
It took Tom confessing for Jax to solve the mystery of who TP’d his tree. Damn, these people are not smart. Hopefully Jax never got all the toilet paper out of the tree because it would be really useful right about now.
Okay, so apparently Raquel was flaunting the fact that she told Scheana to shut the f*ck up, and Lala is taking it upon herself to, like, be Scheana’s mercenary. Or, she said it to Lala and Scheana is involved for unknown reasons? I don’t know. Guess that Real Housewife invitation never came in the mail, so this is what it’s coming to.
In true gross Lala fashion, she says “people like Raquel need to learn to stay in their lane so people like me can run sh*t.” This seriously gives a dark glimpse into Lala’s own opinion of herself. It is… shall I say… overblown.
Lala basically tries to publicly shame Raquel for talking sh*t about Logan, and like, the whole group doesn’t need to be involved in this. This is weird. She’s like, the teacher trying to humiliate a student in front of the whole class, but in this case, the student didn’t really do anything. And the teacher is also an asshole. Okay, you’re right, this is a terrible analogy. Whatever. Lala tries to circle Raquel like she’s one of the hyenas in the The Lion King and Raquel is a dead carcass (idk, just the imagery I’m getting with these outfits), but it doesn’t quite work because Raquel isn’t letting herself get bullied. *Chris Traeger voice* I am equal parts shocked, and!, impressed.
Lol at Lala being like “don’t say I didn’t genuinely care about James. I set up sessions in the studio because he thrives in the studio.” Oh you mean, studio sessions to work on your song? Imagine that. “Don’t ever say I didn’t care, I set up something for him that also benefited me! See! I’m such a caring friend!” Get this girl outta here.
Queen Charli points out that maybe Lala still likes James, which is why she’s constantly picking at Raquel. She is a very underrated presence on this season, and I hope the producers soon recognize that.
Lol the fact that Raquel calls Lala a rottweiler and Lala is like “no bitch I’m a pitbull. Get it f*cking right.” This is the dumbest fake hard sh*t ever because like, if you were to ask me I would say pitbulls are adorable and rottweilers are a lot more scary. But sure, Lala. Whatever you want.
I truly loved the clip of Lala saying “don’t project on me what you reflect” and Ariana mouthing “what??” to herself. I’m glad I’m not the only person who feels like they are in the Twilight Zone. I wish Lala would stop watching old Tupac movies and get back down to Earth; she was way more likable back then. And by Earth, I mean Utah. Never forget where you came from!
It’s Jax’s birthday, and basically nobody is dressed up except for Scheana and Jax. I feel that this is good, petty revenge for his temper tantrum at Tom’s birthday.
And the fact that Schwartz gave Jax a foot fleshlight is sending me ONCE AGAIN. Somebody please direct me to the nearest cliff, because I need to fling myself off of it.
Poor Kristen is like “Katie and Stassi are my family, I don’t understand how you can just cut family out. The point of it is that you’re supposed to stick together,” neglecting the fact that people cut their families off all the time. And, see, Kristen, that’s the whole problem when you take a metaphor literally. You get your expectations shattered, and what you’re saying ceases to make any sense.
And I am now writing this recap from the bottom of the cliff off of which I have flung myself, because Randall is at this birthday party, remarking how he and Jax are in the same age group. I am unwell.
Okay, I Googled it, and Randall is, in fact, 49 years old. Come on, sir. Calling you and Jax the same age is stretttttching things.
Everybody goes back to Jax’s to have an after party (I think? All their houses look the same). Also, after-partying is not a good idea because Jax is already slurring and making no sense. The two police officers from the movie Superbad come to the party and handcuff Sandoval to arrest him for vandalism, and I can tell right away that this is obviously a prank since literally nobody is reacting. And also because I’m not an idiot.
After it’s all over, Katie flips out, and like, if every single person on this show were not white I would say her whole “turn on the news” objection to having cops arrest someone as a “prank” would be spot-f*cking-on. Still, I will commend this brief flicker of wokeness, even if it is a little misdirected, simply because it’s the closest thing to social/political awareness we will ever get on this show.
Schwartz, instead of comforting his wife, pretends to gag, says he’s never been more turned off in his life, and yells that that’s why he doesn’t have sex with her. Holy sh*t, literally every single guy is like “dude, stop you’re being disgusting, SHUT UP!” If these personifications of misogyny are telling him he’s being gross, you know it’s bad. Katie might be a mean girl and a miserable person, but she doesn’t deserve to get degraded that way and called a moron in front of all their friends and a national viewing audience. The episode ends there. F*cking SHEESH what is with these episodes lately that are ending all dark and depressing?
Images: Bravo; Giphy
We’re already on episode 6 of the eighth season of Vanderpump Rules, which means we only have about 14 weeks to go. *Pops a Xanax* (don’t worry guys, I am legally prescribed). I don’t know why I do it to myself year after year, but at this point, I’ve committed to a consistent season of Vanderpump Rules longer than I’ve had any relationship in New York. But it’s fine, I’m fine! Maybe I’ll start adding that to my dating app profiles; things can’t go any worse for me at this point.
Anyway, you all know what time it is: Pride time! In past years, SUR Pride has brought us Scheana’s ear-splitting excuse for singing, James’s body-shaming, and lots of back-alley conversations. Can’t wait to see what this year will bring!
The episode opens with Schwartz saying “I have so much laundry debt, I need a counselor.” Normally I wouldn’t even bother making a note about the opening sequences because they’re total throwaways, but I cannot let this go: what is laundry debt? You mean you have laundry to do? Do you like, owe piles of laundry (or money) to a laundry shark who is now holding your clothes hostage? I can’t tell if I hate that phrase or I love it so much I’m going to start using it every week.
While that will go largely unresolved unless Schwartz somehow reads these recaps and decides to clarify, Sandoval comes over, brandishing rainbow bedazzled motorcycle jackets and sneakers for Pride, and I cannot decide if he had these specially made for Pride or just had them lying around. Both possibilities would track equally.
James is the ticking time bomb that everyone fears is going to go off during his DJing stint at TomTom during Pride. (Can’t imagine why, probably because you’re letting an alcoholic DJ on one of the busiest and least supervised days of the year?) Sandoval (and everyone else) has to make it seem like James just has this incredible DJ presence and he has this great energy that makes people buy drinks, and while I respect the art of DJing, James is not exactly the next Tiësto because he throws a couple hip-hop songs together and yells “PUMPTINIIII” into the mic. Really, they all have to pretend like James is a musical prodigy because they can’t just state the obvious, which is that people come to see James because he is on TV and people are thirsty.
Elsewhere at Lisa’s house, Scheana, Raquel, and Danica are over for some reason. What a motley crew. By the way, shouts out to the Bravo editors, who are truly working harder than the devil this season by showing video montages of everyone’s lies and bullsh*t. This time, after Scheana insists that Max is her “best friend”, they show a montage (that probably could have been longer than the Oscars tbh) of Scheana insisting whichever slampiece of the moment was her “best friend.” Immediately after, they show Scheana, edited to make it look like she is talking to herself, spiraling into hysterics trying to insist that she’s not jealous of Dayna. I have no choice but to stan.
Scheana insists in her talking head, “clearly I am not jealous of Dayna,” and I’ve got to wonder how it is supposedly clear to Scheana, because it’s not clear to any of us. In fact, the exact opposite is clear.
Raquel uses this very moment to bring up the fact that Dayna will be getting her hair done with Raquel’s stylist the next day. Raquel, read the room. Scheana continues to go on and on about how she’s NOT JEALOUS OF DAYNA and everyone else is so over it at this point that they’re openly texting at the table. Same tho. Scheana, if you can’t handle getting a blowout in the same vicinity as this girl, then you DO have a jealousy problem.
Ariana comes over, and Lisa asks her if she’s still feeling depressed. Lisa then opens up about the depression she felt after her brother’s suicide, and it’s overall a great moment for mental health awareness. However. Ariana describes a moment she had where she was driving her car on the freeway and thought to herself “what if I just drove my car off the freeway?” and I feel compelled to point out that those are called intrusive thoughts and are pretty normal. Anyone who’s ever had a flash of thought about punting the baby next to them across the street knows what I’m talking about! Anyway. All in all, though, I’m here for this mental health awareness moment and I will physically fight anyone who calls Ariana negative or a downer. SHE IS DOING HER BEST! WE MUST PROTECT HER AT ALL COSTS. And being open about your struggles doesn’t make you a “downer”. K I’m done.
Okay, so Lala, Stassi, and Brittany are hanging out and basically talking about Pride. I also have to commend Stassi for pointing out that James being hired is ridiculous; they LITERALLY LIVE IN LOS ANGELES, where every random person on the street probably “is a DJ” (has a Soundcloud account) and they don’t need to rely on the human embodiment of Russian Roulette that is James Kennedy. And while that may be true, again, every random DJ on the street is not a cast member on this show who can guarantee hundreds of fans will show up (though I’m sure they’d like to be).
It is at this time that I must confess to you all my conflicted feelings about James. Yes, he says gross things to women. Yes, he seems to be treating Raquel very badly (more on this momentarily). But also, he is f*cking hilarious. Case in point: right after the Fofty/Randall feud heard ‘round the world, he posted a caption on Instagram referencing Fofty’s infamous “money by Monday” threat. Misogynist or not, alcoholic or not, this is plain hilarious, and in a sense I respect that James is the only person who is not going to suck Lala’s metaphorical dick just to ensure he can get rides on Randall’s private jet. Of course, Lala didn’t appreciate this one bit, which is why she and James stopped talking. I’m sorry, but this was national news, not some fringe internet feud. It’s f*cking fair game. If Fifty Cent ever threatened me publicly, I would allow—nay, expect—my friends to make jokes about it until the end of time (and even in the afterlife when we’re all chilling in Hell).
The next morning, Dayna leaves Max’s apartment and has to (gasp) barrel curl her own hair because Scheana took her spot with Raquel’s hairstylist, aka Scheana probably threw a fit and refused to be in the same vicinity as Dayna. I wish I could take credit for this epic burn, but is she 34 or 16?
Over at SUR, they are down a bartender, and Jax is throwing a fit. Good thing this isn’t happening at TomTom, otherwise Sandoval would personally burn the entire place down and ban everyone’s spirits from ever setting foot in the establishment to haunt it. Jax is also refusing to help set up because he says “I don’t do that.” Really, he’s just jealous that he doesn’t get to be on the float and the other waitstaff does, because in Jax Taylor’s world, he is the number one guy in the group and HE should be the one on the float, dammit!
Ariana appreciation post #2 for this being her first Pride as an out bisexual woman. Again, we must protect her at all costs.
And the honorary Oscar for Best Editing once again goes to the producers for so expertly exposing how Jax is completely full of sh*t, claiming he doesn’t find Dayna hot, when in reality, he knows Brittany would pull a Lorena Bobbitt on him if he so much as got caught on camera breathing in her direction with purpose. He claims he doesn’t like blondes, so naturally all the Bravo producers have to do is splice together all the footage of every time Jax dated a blonde. It’s enough times to constitute a pattern. The only missed opportunity is them not reshowing how Jax blatantly hit on Lala when she first emerged on this show, because as much as they like to pretend otherwise, we all know something happened.
Beau somehow manages to show up to Pride looking like a heterosexual Southern dad, and I think there’s something to be said for that. Lala, meanwhile, looks like a Kylie Jenner knockoff with her lip fillers and green wig.
That lip liner will haunt me in my dreams.
Lala pulls James out from behind the DJ booth, which seems ill-advised, because isn’t he on the clock? She does this so he can apologize (with terrible audio that I can barely hear) for the Fofty caption. I’m actually pretty confused because I thought just last episode Lala forgave James, and basically said they were friends again? I thought we were past this.
James has asked for a “soda water with lime, and a little… you know” and Max returns with what appears to be soda water, and lime, but in a Casamigos cup. To me, the cup is not necessarily indicative of anything sketchy, because it was one of those sh*tty plastic reusable cups that the liquor distributor probably gave the bar for free, but the camera zooms in on the logo to hammer the point home anyway. Was “you know” a code for a little splash of liquor? Some pasta? As James is walking away, Lala accuses him of not having a non-alcoholic drink, and she appears to be on the money because James won’t let her have a sip of it. I’m kind of impressed James had the brain cells/foresight to not openly ask for liquor while he’s mic’d up, but also obviously disappointed that he is drinking again and pretending he’s not.
I will now demote the VPR producers one (1) Oscar for making me listen to Scheana’s terrible music again, even if just through a flashback of Stassi talking about how she wanted to impale herself because of it. Great, now I guess we’re both impaling ourselves.
Raquel apparently missed James’s whole set because she got carried away at Pride, so he does a normal and well-adjusted thing and calls her to curse her out and tell her to f*ck herself. Ah yes, spoken like someone who definitely isn’t in a belligerent drunken rage.
Hearing Raquel be like “James was totally in the wrong but I don’t want to say anything to him because he’ll explode in anger” is seriously dark. What is with the emotional abuse on this show?? Raquel, blink twice if you need help. The girls will probably like you better if you leave James anyway.
James goes to say hi to Lisa after his set, and you could tell that she’s visibly surprised that he isn’t falling-down drunk at this point. Baby steps, I guess? Hearing James try to get Lisa to be proud of him is very depressing. I’m picking up on some mommy issues here, anyone else?
Raquel is not having a good day, because after getting verbally abused by her boyfriend, she then no-showed for her shift at SUR, so she’s going to get reamed out by Peter (the one person on this show who may actually be doing their job). Peter takes her (and James, who is there for some reason) out back to chew her out for not showing up because the whole restaurant was understaffed.
Peter appreciation post for getting his five minutes of fame, getting to yell at Raquel and tell her she needs to choose between her boyfriend or her job. Love you Peter. Enjoy your time back in the hole Bravo keeps you in! I hope you brought snacks and plenty of entertainment, because by my calculations, you won’t be back until the reunion when Bravo lets you out to serve the cast a tray of drinks.
And now the Bravo producers have lost their other honorary Oscar for making me listen to Sceheana sing “Good As Gold” AGAIN, for real this time, not even in a flashback. It’s like they want me to imaple myself? *Grabs nearest shiv* Fine, I’ll do it!
But for real, how much do we think Scheana bribed everyone in the vicinity for a chance to sing a song nobody wanted to hear?
Coming off the high of her performance, Scheana grabs Dayna outside to talk (and also grabs her inhaler because this might get heated).
View this post on Instagram
Dayna basically calls Scheana out for being the only person to haze her, and the whole Max thing, and yadda yadda yadda. You’ve all seen it. Dayna asks Scheana if she’s 34 or 16. Bravo. She hit the nail on the head. (Also, the outfits are not helping.)
Dayna calls it like it is and says she feels Scheana is threatened of her. Scheana, in a slightly believable spin (but that still isn’t fooling me), makes this more about Dayna stealing Scheana’s friends instead of her man. Oh, I’m sorry, her “best friend”.
Lmfao at Scheana’s logic: “this new girl comes in, starts hanging out with my friends, and they all go to her comedy show. What are her intentions?”
Dayna: ….To make friends?
Scheana cannot take the heat and immediately starts breaking down crying. She says something that leads me to believe that she may be undergoing preparation for her egg freezing treatment at this time. If that is the case, I will reluctantly give her a pass, because that sh*t is f*cking brutal. I can barely keep my sh*t together on my placebo birth control days, I couldn’t imagine willingly injecting myself with a f*ckton of hormones and trying to not go on a homicidal rage.
And that’s it for this week! Overall, a kind of boring Vanderpump Rules Pride, I must say. I hope next week they continue where we left off, because I know that James is about one second from flying off the handle, and that is going to be a full-on disaster.
Images: Bravo (2); Nickelodeon, bravobybetches / Instagram
It’s been less than 48 hours since Foftygate came to its dramatic conclusion, with Randall Emmett getting 50 Cent his money by Monday, and all of the menacing Instagram posts being taken down. It was an intense weekend, and honestly, I miss the drama. I’m glad Randall didn’t have a heart attack, but I was seriously enjoying 50 Cent just massively trolling Lala and Randall on Instagram. Without Foftygate in my life, things lack meaning, and every time I refresh Instagram, I’m just greeted by obnoxious photos of Bachelor contestants hawking Flat Tummy Tea. Sad times.
But maybe the fallout from Foftygate isn’t completely over. Now, 50 Cent only wishes the best to Randall and his family, and Rand seems to be on the same page. Late last night, Rand took to the ‘gram and addressed the drama of this weekend in a hilariously casual way.
Randall: Yo Fif, man, that was so crazy how you basically threatened me on Instagram for three days, and then I paid you a million dollars, and now you”re not threatening me anymore. Wow! I mean man, just crazy stuff. Best of luck bro!
So aside from the fact that Randall seems content to ignore the fact that this man put him in the ER just a few days ago, it seems like things are going well! Or maybe not. On Tuesday, Lala Kent threw everything we know into question, when she removed nearly all of the photos of Randall from her Instagram feed. Bum bum BUM. Obviously, this can’t be a good sign for any relationship, but Lala and Rand have always been weird about their public relationship together. Of course, when they first got together, he was still technically married, leading Lala to make up all sorts of wild excuses for why no one had met her Man™️. And as I noted before, they don’t follow each other on Instagram, because they say it’s toxic for their relationship. Weird, but whatever.
As of right now, this is the only picture of Randall that’s still on Lala’s feed:
View this post on Instagram
I told him last night, if we get caught up in the celebration with our beautiful friends and family, just glance at me from across the room, and we will remember it’s just you and me. Last night was so full of love. Thank you to everyone who came to celebrate with us. You are so adored.
This is from their engagement party, and I can’t decide if Lala left it up on purpose, or if she just didn’t realize what it was because it’s so dark. Another important thing to note is that Lala changed her Insta profile picture to just a black circle. Assuming that this isn’t Lala trying to rebrand before dropping an album (please no), what is this dark phase that Lala’s Instagram is going through? I was honestly starting to get worried, but then I watched Lala’s story. And Tom Schwartz’s story. And looked at Randall’s feed. And guess what?
LALA AND RANDALL WERE HANGING OUT LAST NIGHT.
That’s right. Just hours after the mysterious deletion of all of the Instagram posts, Lala and Randall were casually hanging out with the Pump Rules crew at Katie and Tom Schwartz’s new house. The girls are apparently getting ready to go on a trip to France, and they were all hanging out before hand. Stassi and Beau were also there, and it looks like everyone was having a great time.
First, let me say that the house looks gorgeous. I wouldn’t normally expect Katie and Schwartz to be bastions of good taste, so I’m proud of them. But more importantly, Lala and Randall are definitely together!! Not only are they hanging out and looking happy, but Randall directly refers to Lala as his “fiancé” in the caption! Sure, he used the male form of fiancé, but it’s the thought that counts. None of these people are geniuses.
So, no thanks to Lala, it seems like reports of their split have been greatly exaggerated. Looks like Lala won’t have to give new BJs for new PJs after all. I’m glad Lala and Randall’s relationship seems to be intact, at least for now, but Lala might want to keep the shopping in Paris to a minimum, considering that Randall is a million dollars poorer than he was last week. The new Chanel bags will just have to wait.
Images: Shutterstock; @randallemmettfilms (2), @lalakent / Instagram; Giphy
This weekend, the internet has been abuzz, talking about one of the biggest, most important crossover events in entertainment history. Unexpected relationships have emerged, there have been mind-bending plot twists, and someone might not make it out alive. Overall, the stakes have never felt higher. No, I’m not talking about Avengers: Endgame, I’m talking about the epic social media feud of 50 Cent vs. Lala Kent and Randall Emmett.
The feud first emerged out of nowhere on Friday, when 50 Cent posted a Vanderpump Rules clip on Instagram. In the video, Lala explains to Stassi how she met Randall and “let him hit it the first night,” and that after that he would buy her lots of expensive gifts. If you’re an avid VPR viewer, then this story isn’t new or shocking to you, but what does it have to do with 50 Cent? For a moment, I was excited to have another celeb on board with watching the greatest television show of our generation, but things turned dark very quickly.
50 Cent’s post and caption about sucking a dick for a Range Rover seemed random, but then Lala clapped back in the comments, in a way that made it clear there was something deeper going on here. To be honest, Lala rubs me the wrong way sometimes, but this is my favorite side of her. Can you imagine anyone else from this show going off on 50 Cent like this? Nope. Still, her clap back isn’t the best re: toxic masculinity, and she also quickly deleted her comment. I already have so many questions here, and we’re not even close to done.
Meanwhile, James and Stassi both sounded off in the comments of this post, but with very different messages. James basically indicated that he’s grabbing the popcorn to watch all of this go down, which seems like a really bitchy thing to do. He and Lala aren’t close like they used to be, but she’s really done nothing to deserve this treatment from him. On the other hand, Stassi stood by her girl Lala, which I respect.
After Lala’s clap back, I was wondering if we would hear any more about this, but then things just got more personal. 50 posted a screenshot of his texts with “Randell,” in which he is pleading with 50 to stop texting him and leave him alone. He says that his ex is f*cking with him, and that he’s going to the ER to make sure he’s not having a heart attack. Hi, yes, please stop the ride, I’d like to get off.
In the middle of Randall’s panicked text thread, we take a pause for one of this stories greatest comedic moments:
“I SAID I’M SORRY FOFTY.”
If you claim you didn’t snort with laughter when you first read that, I don’t believe you. To commemorate this moment, we even put it on a f*cking t-shirt. Cheers, betch.
In response, 50 Cent sent a paragraph in which he clarifies that Randall owes him a million dollars, and threatens to crack Randall’s head if he keeps playing with him. I said this was going to get dark, right? We have no way of knowing if Randall really does owe 50 all this money, but if he does, he should probably stop shelling out for Lala and the girls to take PJs to Solvang. Just a thought.
Another crucial plot point in the feud is buried in the caption of this photo, where 50 Cent tells Randall that he wants the rest of his money by Monday. Honestly, I’m nervous just reading about this sh*t, so I have to imagine that Randall has fled the country by now.
It doesn’t end there. Next, 50 Cent posted another screenshot in which he responds to Randall asking him to be in his wedding, and this part is honestly just a little pathetic. 50 is obviously not interesting in being in Randall’s wedding (can’t imagine why not), and he responds with one of my favorite lines ever: “Like I ain’t got sh*t else to do. Get the f*ck outta here.” To be fair, I’m not really sure what 50 Cent is up to these days, but clearly being a groomsman for Randall “My Man” Emmett is low on his list of priorities.
Aaaand another dollar in the Fofty Jar for Randall. Well done.
With his next post, 50 Cent deepened my concern that this could actually be headed to a very bad place. It’s sort of like a meme, except one that makes me genuinely concerned that 50 Cent is about to do something bad to Randall. 50 is always watching.
In his most recent couple of posts, 50 Cent has openly mocked Randall for saying he’s going to the ER, and he actually posted this photo of Rand with approximately 700 electrode things attached to his body.
I don’t know a lot about medicine or heart tests or anything like that, but is Randall okay?? I’m all for the drama and the memes that this whole situation has created, but I really don’t want Randall to have a heart attack. Fofty, please.
For now, we’re eagerly awaiting the next development in this already legendary feud, and we’re just mere hours away from the clock striking Monday. If you’re on the edge of your seat like me, now is the perfect time to cop a Money By Monday tee, because this sh*t is going down in history. This is possibly the first time I’ve ever been excited for a Monday, so literally anything is possible. Prayers for Randall, because Fofty doesn’t mess around.
UPDATE: Well, there’s more. We’re still waiting anxiously to see if Fofty will actually show up at Randall’s house to collect his pound of flesh, but things have not cooled down. As of now, it looks like the money Randall owes 50 Cent is debt from gambling. Basically, Randall likes playing poker, but isn’t very good at it. 50 Cent knows this, and lent Randall a lot of money to gamble with. This might seem like a poor choice, but it can be smart to lend money to a bad poker player, because they’ll keep losing, and they’ll just owe you more in the end. A few bad games, and all of a sudden Randall Emmett owes Fofty Cent a million dollars. Yikes.
Yesterday, while waiting for the infamous Monday to roll around, 50 Cent basically turned his Instagram into a meme page dedicated to this feud, and I could not be more here for it. He kicked things off with this screenshot of Randall’s freshly-edited Wikipedia page:
Sadly, Rand’s page has been fixed and is now protected from vandalism, but god damn this is funny. Then, because it’s 2019 on the internet, Chrissy Teigen got involved. She tweeted about how she never wants. 50 Cent to be mad at her, which like, same. But then, things got even better, because FOFTY RESPONDED.
While I’m still incredibly stressed about the situation with 50 Cent and Randall, it’s good to know that Chrissy and John are safe from the wrath of Fofty. I would say this is like something out of a fever dream I had, but honestly none of my dreams have ever been this weird.
50 Cent kept the memes coming, first with this t-shirt that’s not as cute as ours, but it did remind me about G-Unit. This whole story is wild, but the fact that I’m talking about G-Unit in 2019 is probably the most shocking thing thus far. After that, Fofty reposted a Game of Thrones meme, because even he knows the importance of the battle of Winterfell.
This caption might be the most menacing one he’s posted, which is saying a lot. Moving right along from Game of Thrones, 50 pivoted back to his original source material for this feud: Vanderpump Rules (a better show than GoT, there I said it). He posted the clip from earlier this season, when Lala and Rand were briefly broken up, and Lala is saying how there’s a lot of dick she could suck to get PJ flights from other men.
I just asked if we could make a shirt that says “BJ’s For New PJ’s,” but sadly I was turned down. Can’t imagine why. Fofty is implying that Randall is going to be broke after paying him a million dollars, which honestly might be true. It’s now officially Monday, and I’m on the edge of my seat to see what’s going to happen.
PS: Before I go, I need to dispel one piece of fake news that’s been going around. People have noticed that Lala and Randall aren’t following each other on Instagram, but this isn’t new. They’ve shared in the past that they both blocked each other on Insta at one point, so they haven’t followed each other in a long time. This is obviously weird, but their not following each other isn’t any indication of trouble at the moment.
Images: Shutterstock; @cbcbravo (2), @50cent (4) / Instagram; Shop Betches
So apparently I offended some of you dear readers last week when I didn’t recap the last literal three minutes of Vanderpump Rules, when nothing ever happens anyway. I want you all to know that this week I will be recapping the FULL show, from start to finish, plus commercials. These recaps are constantly in danger of getting cut because nobody reads them anyway, but damn it, I live to serve my audience.
Y’all: Dance, monkey, dance!
Me: What style? Contemporary? Hip-hop? Salsa? Waltz?
Just kidding about the commercials, obviously. We’ve made it to episode 20 of season 7, which by my calculations, means this snoozefest of a season should be over soon. Thank god.
We open at SUR, where Ariana is helping to set up for Brunch with Billie. Sandoval is “supervising” Ariana, and by that I mean he’s just watching her and critiquing her form but not helping. Just like every man ever.
Lisa comes up to talk sh*t about Schwartz and says “has he never heard of a cashier’s check”? That’s what I said last week! For some reason this legitimate criticism annoys Ariana, who thinks Lisa has been picking on the Toms. I don’t think she’s been picking on them so much as she has been pointing out their legitimate shortcomings, but ok.
Elsewhere in Los Angeles, it’s a meeting of the
minds families at Jax and Brittany’s. I don’t know what’s funnier about Jax saving a Fireball bottle of his dad’s: that Jax kept it, that he wrote a note to himself on the bottle not to drink it, or that a grown man (may he rest in peace) was drinking Fireball by choice.
Jax wants to impress Brittany’s father without actually apologizing or owning up for his past actions. Jax’s ways of impressing Brittany’s dad goes as follows: bragging about putting together the furniture (that he didn’t put together) and bringing up how he donated money to help Brittany’s sister-in-law get IVF. Not, ya know, talking about how much he loves Brittany and how well he is going to treat her or anything. Just that he “bought Brittany’s brother a baby”—his words, not mine! Very classy, not at all tacky!
As the whole family gathers together, Jax interrupts to grab a box, which I presume contains his dad’s ashes??? To be like “wait, wait, my dad’s here too!”
When my dad dies, he has already requested that we take him to a taxidermist to get him stuffed so we can take him to our important life events, so I get it.
Back at SUR, Scheana has progressed to the “stealing Adam’s shirt” phase, and he’s like “Please give it back.” Scheana tells him that she’s going to go on a date and he’s like “Oh god, thank you. PLEASE go.”
Adam: I don’t care if you date other guys
Adam: In fact I WANT you to date other guys
Scheana: I’m going to go on a date with another guy to make Adam jealous
At this point she is just too willfully ignorant for me to even try to argue.
Scheana tries to DTR (but I thought she didn’t want a relationship!) by saying “If I don’t want you to date other people and you don’t want me to date other people then why aren’t we just dating?” And that crashes and burns. I don’t think Adam could give less of a sh*t about Scheana if he wrote “I DO NOT GIVE A F*CK ABOUT YOU” on his forehead. God, it is painful to watch. But it also gives me a (very low) bar against which to judge my own relationship craziness. For that, I am thankful.
Brittany goes wedding dress shopping with Stassi, Kristen, and Katie. They’re all pretending like they don’t know that they are going to be bridesmaids, as if Brittany has any other close friends
on this show in Los Angeles! Seriously, without the Witches of Weho, who else is left? Maybe that guy Zack?
Did anyone else notice how Bravo scored this scene of Brittany looking at wedding dresses with creepy dystopian fairytale music? It’s really adding to the deranged atmosphere. Again, thankful. Very fitting as I write this on Easter Sunday.
Katie tells Stassi she’s next to get married. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I would ship this! Katie brings up the fact that this time last year, Jax and Brittany were broken up (because he cheated on her). Sherri says “me and Mamaw never gave up on Jax”. Of course she didn’t—hitching her wagon to Jax Taylor is her one shot at fame and becoming a Kentucky Kris Jenner. She’d never give up that pipe dream, Brittany’s treatment be damned.
Meanwhile, Jax and his sister finally spill the tea about their mom. Finally! I’ve only been waiting all season!! They’re both upset that she didn’t tell them their dad was in the ICU and they didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to their father. I get that. It’s also pretty heartbreaking to see Jax hold a grudge against his mom and effectively nuke his relationship with his one living parent. Anyway, he and his sister are getting matching tattoos. I don’t have any comment—at least it’s not a giant portrait of Stassi’s face.
Uh oh… We have a Stassi face tattoo. I repeat, WE HAVE A STASSI FACE TATTOO. #PumpRules #Jaxed pic.twitter.com/i7lxbDQI90
— Real Housewives (@telfieRealHW) March 17, 2015
Back at the bridal salon, Kristen is really campaigning hard for the Maid of Honor job, saying that Brittany is the “light of her life”. Unfortunately, Brittany has known for a while now that her good friend from back home, Cara, is going to be her maid of honor. And then Brittany asks Katie to be her Matron of Honor on top of that!
Ohhh I hope Kristen gets wasted off this free champagne and has a total emotional meltdown over this rejection.
The next day (or however time works in this show), James goes into SUR to talk to Lisa, presumably about getting his job back. Yep, I’m right! He wants to talk about bringing an astrology laser to mount on the ceiling to make it a space party. First of all, what? Second of all, Lisa is like, “You do understand that you don’t work here?” Astrology lasers won’t fix your drinking problem, James!
Lisa expresses that it’s not going to happen, lasers or no. And James, the picture of maturity, starts immediately crying, whining, and throwing a tantrum. He also admits that he’s “had a few beers” but says “that’s not really drinking.” Okay, like, YES, I say that having a few beers isn’t really drinking when I am talking about how I “mostly stayed in” on Friday, but I’m not an alcoholic—and more importantly, my employment does not hinge upon my complete sobriety! Thank god, or I’d be living in a cardboard box on the streets at this point.
The gang (Ariana, Sandoval, Kristen, and Stassi) are getting drinks. Ariana is pissed because she thinks Lisa is publicly undermining the Toms, in the media and elsewhere. Lisa, being underhanded and shady? Never! The weird thing is that Ariana is kind of taking this selfishly as an affront to her, because she thinks it reflects poorly on her to be dating someone Lisa sees as an idiot? I don’t know. I don’t get that angle, but I do get the angle of supporting your boyfriend and not wanting his business partner to trash him publicly.
Adam joins the night out while Scheana is on a date. Adam admits, ONCE AGAIN, that he doesn’t give a f*ck. Stassi says the nicest thing she’s ever said about Scheana, which is, “I want you to care because Scheana really likes you.”
Oh god, Scheana is in full mid-life crisis mode, going out with a 25-year-old to try to make Adam jealous. And posting about it on Instagram in the hopes that Adam will see it and get jealous. Y I K E S. I might just cringe myself into an early grave. If spontaneous combustion is possible, I’m about to do it because I am that physically uncomfortable watching Scheana be a thirst monster general. Unprompted, she asks Eddie if he ever had a threesome and then is bragging about how she hooked up with the entire pro athlete population of Los Angeles. Do you (or them), but bragging about it doesn’t make you look cool—it just makes you look desperate for bringing it up years later.
Scheana: I’ve never been the girl who’s like ‘I need to get married and have kids’
Um, are any of you guys hearing this? Scheana “when I was marrying Shay I was thinking about Rob” Shay has “never been the girl” who needs to get married? SCHEANA? Scheana. And I sh*t you not, in the very next breath she asks this literal child if he wants a girlfriend. SCHEANA. The girl who “wants to be independent”. Is this performative satire? It must be. Otherwise I truly cannot believe that a person who is alive on this earth is not only that un-self-aware, but actually believes the opposite of everything their actions and words prove.
Lala shows up to TomTom to talk to Lisa, and I actually have no idea why. Lisa, in the gentlest way, tells Lala that she understands she experienced a loss but she can’t lash out at people. She also tries to push Lala to be James’ friend again. Ah, so that’s why we are here.
Wait, is Brittany having a bridal shower at Pump? Maybe Jax should bartend it to save money. P.S., f*ckin nailed it calling Zack as a bridesmaid. So Brittany invited a bunch of people to Pump to live reveal who’s going to be a bridesmaid and who’s going to be Maid of Honor. That seems unnecessarily harsh. Poor Kristen is going to have a meltdown. I guess all the hours of footage of Kristen calling Brittany “my Brittany” wasn’t good enough to get her promoted to MOH? Shocking. Also actually shocking is that Scheana is there, and a bridesmaid.
James and Lala talk at Pump. Lala basically is like “Lisa is making me talk to you, so where’s your head at?” Lala is giving James her typical Lala pump-up speech, and James is barely paying attention.
Lala: If you ever need someone I’m here for you.
Back at Brittany’s bridal shower or whatever tf it is, Scheana is texting Adam, who is now salty that she went out with another guy? I’m confused. I guess he finally realized he needs to pretend to care about Scheana in order to stay on this show? Scheana is now crying at this brunch because she’s losing a “best friend.” Why do I feel like she and Adam were never best friends and Scheana was just content to thirst after him all the time and call him her BFF? Oh right, because that’s a common trope among guy/girl friendships, in either direction. Whatever, it feels applicable here.
Meanwhile, Jax is getting hazed by Brittany’s family, essentially. Brittany’s dad confronts Jax about being faithful. Why does Brittany’s dad have the biggest backbone of anybody on this show? Being like, “I know you lost your dad but you really f*cked up.”
Jax: I know I really screwed up but how many times do you have to give me the third degree?
^Literally Jax when someone calls him out on his bullsh*t one time or more.
Also Jax two seconds later: Oh you can’t go on the bachelor trip, bad things are going to happen on that trip.
Jax also says that he loves Brittany, but he’s always going to take care of himself first. F*ckingggg yikes. Maybe that’s the exact opposite thing you should say to your fiancée’s family when they are talking about how you need to step it up and be there for Brittany? I’m not married, so I don’t know how these things work, but aren’t you guys supposed to be a team? That’s not snark, BTW, it’s a genuine question. Like, I don’t want to consider another person’s feelings before my own, which is why I am single.
Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed my FULL recap. Now I think somebody should go check on Adam to make sure Scheana is giving him regular food, water, and bathroom access while he is tied up in her basement!
Images: Bravo; Giphy (3)