Sad news for the basic among us, those liquid glitter phone cases you probably considered buying but then realized are incredibly tacky are apparently extremely dangerous. According to an ABC news report, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has announced a recall on several models of iPhone cases made by the company MixBin, because their mesmerizing glitter liquid was leaking out and burning people. Umm…wow. Who knew literally every girl who ordered a unicorn frappuccino un-ironically was also in possession of such a dangerous weapon? Sorry to all the Beckys of the world. I know your community has been hit the hardest. It’s survival of the least basic, or whatever it was that Darwin guy was talking about. This whole incident got us thinking, if glitter cases are the uniform for the basic, what do other iPhone cases mean? The phone case is, after all, wayyy more than just a tool to protect your phone from water damage. It also tells the world precisely how much of a hot mess you are. Honestly, dating apps should have a section where you’re asked to describe your phone case and whether or not you’re rocking an Android. It would save all of us a lot of trouble. So for those of you who are wondering what your phone case says about you, here is our heavily made up researched assessment:
Indestructible/Battery Phone Cases – The Reformed Mess
You’ve been burned one too many times, haven’t you? The carefree college days of taking your naked-ass phone out to the club and coming back with it shattered into a thousand pieces are finally over, and and now that your parents won’t pay for your replacements anymore you’re slightly older, it’s time to get serious. Maybe it was the time you put a full stiletto through your iPhone 4, or maybe it was the time your phone died and you lost everyone at Coachella, but you are done with the near-death experiences for now. Sure, your case ain’t cute, but it could literally get run over by a truck (you know because it has been) and comes with 3x the charge, meaning you can take as many Insta stories as you want without fear of hitting 1%. Honestly, good for you.
LuMee Case – The Selfie Freak
Your Insta followers recently hit the thousands and you just cannot risk bad lighting at this point in your hoeism career. We get it. You’re the girl who fills my feed with 10-20 perfectly lit, facetuned selfies daily, and for some reason I just cannot unfollow. Any time you pull out your phone for a pic, 15 randoms show up to hop in it because they know the picture will come out amazing and get a thousand likes. In many ways, this case has become your full-time job. Good luck with your life as a knock-off Kardashian. You’re doing amazing, sweetie.
The Wallet Phone Case – The Mess
Phone, keys, wallet? Yeah, that’s way too many things. You can barely remember to get out of bed in the morning, let alone remember both a phone AND a wallet. Nah. You need to minimize the damage you will inevitably do to your life on any given weekend by consolidating your shit into one easily remembered package. Honestly, if you can find a way to attach that shit to your body, maybe by sewing it into your hair or something, that would probably be best. The upside to this lifestyle is that you have less shit to drag around with you when you’re drunk and tryna be free. The downside is that when you do inevitably lose this, you’ve lost literally your entire life. But that’s also like, fine. You’ve fucked up worse and lived.
Personalized – The Psycho
This one goes out to the girl I saw senior year of college whose phone case was literally a bedazzled picture of her own face. You think I forgot that shit? No fucking way. I’ll never forget it. Sometimes I wake up with a cold sweat in the middle of the night still thinking about the unique set of life events that would lead a person to get a phone case of their own damn face. Wow. I’m actually getting upset thinking about it. Moving on…
Graphic Cases – The One That DGAF
Congratulations, betch! You don’t give a fuck to such a degree that you spent $20 on a paper-thin case that does nothing all because it has a funny/sarcastic/betchy saying on it. Honestly, you’re doing everything right. Either that, or you have no personality and are using the bold statement on your phone case to mask your inability to be bold in your actual life. Either way, we dig your style. And not just because we literally sell these cases. That’s totally not why. Don’t worry about it. But I mean, if you want to buy one…
Wooden/Marble/Whatever – The Real Adult
Okay. You’re classy. We get it. You “have a bank account” and “know your credit score” and shit. Good for you. Aren’t you fucking fancy. Enjoy your investments. You disgust me.
No Phone Case – The Dangerous Renegade
You live on the edge, and it disturbs me. What type of Patrick Bateman-ass rich psycho are you that you can just let your naked phone float around in the world with nothing to protect it? What if you drop it? What if you stand up and forget it is in your lap and it falls on the ground? What if you’re drunk and it falls out of your pocket while you’re in the bathroom and lands in the toilet? THESE THINGS CAN HAPPEN! Your devil-may-care attitude is affecting not only your life, but the life of your precious phone. You know what, that’s it. I’m calling the FBI.
READ: The Best Portable Phone Chargers So You Can Stop Bothering The Bartender
Don’t you just love it when scientific studies work out in your favor and reaffirm your destructive lifestyle choices? Like that time some docs said that drinking Champagne helps fight off Alzheimer’s (turned out not to be true but whatever) and the other time when Italy somehow found that eating pasta makes you skinny (Go home Italy. You’re drunk). And while this newest study on people who stay friends with their exes doesn’t necessarily benefit me in any way personally, it does prove that something I’ve always thought to be true is actually a scientific fact (meaning I’m right, per usual). So what is this study? One that finds that people who stay friends with their exes either a) just want to get laid. Obvi. Or b) display fucked-up behaviors like narcissism, insensitivity, and just overall being a dick. Also, obvi. Brb. Mass texting this to every one of my friends who told me they “don’t want to lose the friendship.” I see you. I see all of you.
So this company Science Direct, who I guess just had nothing better do to that conduct a study we all already knew the answer to, took 861 men and women and asked them questions about why you stay friends with ex partners and then had them rate the different reasons in terms of importance. Men rated being able to booty call their exes higher than women did. Wow, Science Direct. Thank you for your groundbreaking discoveries. You know, this is legit why we need women in STEM fields. All Science Direct needed was literally one female scientist and she would have told them the answer to this pressing question and saved probably millions of dollars in funding. #WomenInStem. Anyway, people who chose to stay friends for practical purposes showed higher “dark personality traits” like disagreeableness, manipulativeness and exploitative tendencies. Also see: “being an asshole.” Or like, Jax Taylor and James Kennedy. In fact, now that I think about it, this entire study could have been proven by watching one singular episode of Vanderpump Rules.
In conclusion, when your ex late night texts you one day and says they miss your friendship, you ignore that shit because they’re either just trying to sleep with you or murder you. There is no in between.
