Unless you’re like, a Stepford Wife in training, the odds that you’ve promised to bring “like, really cute cocktails that will get us so drunk” to a dinner, pregame, or pool party, and then totally dropped the ball are pretty high. If you are a Stepford Wife-in-training, I’m going to need you to stop taking Snapchats of the mildly interesting meals you cook for dinner and captioning them “wife me.” If you’re like the rest of us, read on.
Nearly every single time I’ve ever promised to bring a cool drink to a get-together, I’ve spent an hour at work scrolling through Pinterest, saving ambitious cocktails, and forgetting about them when I realize that someone’s probably watching me. Then, the event rolls around, and I’m already like, 20 minutes late, and have no interesting ingredients. I have found myself at so many bodegas, convenience stores, and even gas stations, desperately typing in the depressing selection of ingredients I saw in front of me into the Pinterest app with the word “cocktail” behind them. So here are some of the tastiest summer cocktails you can make when you are somewhere that doesn’t even sell tampons with plastic applicators, let alone triple sec or peach schnapps. Oh, and, all of these recipes make enough to fill a pitcher. You’re welcome.
- 1 cup Malibu
- 2 cups pineapple Juice
- A full bottle of prosecco
Literally just pour a bottle of prosecco into a pitcher and add a bit of Malibu and pineapple juice. Feel free to play around with the proportions, but note that this basically tastes like a bubbly Capri Sun so you will end up texting someone you shouldn’t.
Get the full recipe here.
White Strawberry-Lemon Sangria
- 2 lemons
- 1 apple
- 1 cup of strawberries
- 1 bottle of white wine
- ½ cup of rum
- 4 cups of lemon-lime soda
Sangria is a solid option, because it’s such a vague kind of drink. I mean, what even is sangria? Just wine with a bunch of other sh*t poured into it? I think so. Anyway, this recipe is just a light suggestion. You can basically throw anything into a pitcher of wine and let it sit for like, four hours, and it’ll be decent. For the wine selection, I’d advise a dry white wine or even white zinfandel, because even liquor stores with the lamest selections will have a box of Franzia or a bottle of Barefoot White Zinfandel. It’s just a fact of life.
Get the full recipe here.
- 1 ½ cups of silver tequila
- 4 ½ cups of grapefruit soda
- However many limes you feel like using as garnishes
Okay, so there are plenty of ways to make a Paloma, but if you’re just swinging by a corner store, you probably don’t have time to find all of the garnishes or actual grapefruit juice. This recipe will make a pitcher of Palomas. It calls for the juice from six limes, but like, if you’re swinging by a bodega last minute on a Friday night, your options may be limited. It’s totally fine if you just grab however many you feel like slicing and use them for garnishes instead.
Get the full recipe here.
White Wine Spritzer
- 1 bottle of white wine
- 12 oz of lemon flavored seltzer
- Sliced lemon or lime wedges
Wine spritzers are another really great cocktail to make when you’re totally unprepared because again, what even is a wine spritzer? They can truly be as half-assed or as extra as you’d like. Just dump a bottle of wine into a pitcher, and then throw in some seltzer and lemon or lime wedges. If you’re in the mood to blackout, you could even use a Spiked Seltzer.
Get the full recipe here.
- Coconut Water
- Pineapple Juice
Guess what? This recipe doesn’t tell you how much of anything to use because it’s not a real recipe. It’s basically a non-disgusting version of the Redneck Margarita from Queer Eye. I literally just once texted my dad from a gas station while I was on my way to visit friends because I had promised to bring stuff to make margaritas, and forgot to. (Save the judgment. This is who I am as a person. Back off.) He was like “IDK, just throw some coconut water, pineapple juice, and tequila into a shaker and pour it in a cup. And also, when’s the last time you got an oil change?”
Anyway, another gem I learned from this phone call was that you can actually just use two solo cups as a shaker. Because, obviously, I do not have my life together enough to carry a shaker everywhere I go, and you probably don’t either. Sorry.
Images: Pexels (1), Giphy (3)
Unnecessary beauty combinations are literally the bane of my existence. If I see one more Lisa Frank-inspired makeup look or hair color that looks like a unicorn puked on someone’s head, I’m going to do something drastic like delete my Instagram for at least 30 seconds. That being said, I don’t know how to deal with prosecco flavored nail polish. It definitely falls into the “useless beauty trend” category, but it also combines my two true passions: glitter and bubbly wine. Do you see my problem?
Oddly enough, the nail polish was created by Groupon to celebrate Mother’s Day. I guess the company finally caught on to the Wine Mom meme two years too late? Anyway, Groupon claims it’s the world’s first prosecco flavored nail polish, which is probably true because I can’t imagine anyone would have put those two things together before.
The polish is your basic gold and glittery color, which is actually pretty cute. The cool/weird part is that it’s made with actual, literal prosecco, and it’s edible, as in you can lick it off your nails if you want to look like an escaped lunatic. In fact, the polish has enough alcohol that it’s apparently super flammable??
Groupon claims it “tastes like the real thing,” in case you want to enjoy the taste of prosecco without the fun of getting drunk for some pointless reason. (Why would anyone do that to themselves?) But the part that kinda-sorta won my approval is that the polish is also supposed to smell like prosecco, so everyone would think you’re drunk anyway if you wore it. You’d basically be free to chug all the wine you can get your hands on this Mother’s Day and blame it on the nail polish if anyone asks. That, in my opinion, is a winning quality.
Tragically, or not-so-tragically if you’re still unconvinced, the nail polish isn’t actually for sale; it’s part of a Groupon UK contest. Are you fucking kidding me? After everything we just went through, you can’t even buy this shit? God, Groupon, I fucking hate you. You just wasted my time and sent me on an emotional rollercoaster (albeit, one that was coherent and whose points were very well-articulated, thank you very much), all over something I can’t even have?! You’re truly a fuckboy. You can take your reasonably priced spa packages because we are through.
The age-old question of what cheese to pair with our wine rears its head just about every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday evening. With The Bachelor finale coming up—THANK GOD—we need to prepare ourselves for the cheese and wine fest about to ensue. But like, let’s be classy.
Here are our fav ten cheese and wine pairings that you need to know or else risk looking like a plebian.
1. Zinfandel And Jalapeño Cheddar
Find a spicy cheddar in the poor cheese aisle and grab a Zinfandel. The dry red wine works super well with spicy shit since the wine itself is fruity and kinda spicy thanks to hints of black pepper. Shit, go crazy and grab some of the pre-sliced habanero cheese if you’re feeling wild.
2. Port And Blue Cheese
If you’re an 80-year-old man, you love Port! So, grab one of those old bottles you have lying around the house and pair it with the cheese that smells most like old people—in this case, blue cheese. The rich, sweet Port balances nicely with the bold (to say the least) flavor of blue cheeses like stilton and gorgonzola.
3. Pinot Noir And Goat Cheese
Yeah, you could be basic and throw some triple crème brie out with your Pinot Noir, but better yet, pair it with a goat cheese like chèvre. The creamy factor works to bring out the flavor of the wine, and you’ll feel fancy nomming on this combo.
4. Pinot Grigio And Feta
Did you make a Greek salad and buy too much feta? Never fear—pair that shit with some Pinot Grigio and treat yo’self. The fruit background in the wine works with the salty yet mild taste of the feta. Look at you, bein’ culinary.
5. Merlot And Monterey Jack
Are you too poor to buy cheese from the nice section of the store? That’s okay. Grab a box of the finest Merlot and pair it with your favorite poor people cheese, monterey jack. Because the cheese is on the less-intense-flavor side (see: bland), it pairs well with an easy drinking Merlot. Now you too, can enjoy a fine wine and cheese night, regardless of how in debt you are!
6. Malbec And Aged Cheddar
So, as opposed to the shitty cheddar you can buy in block form near the tubs of cream cheese and sugar-yogurt, head to the fancy cheese section and pick up an aged English or farmhouse cheddar to nom with your Malbec. The smooooooooth
jazz sounds flavor of the wine cuts through that super hostile aggressive attitude put forth by the cheddar. We can relate.
7. Prosecco And Parmesan
If you’re craving bubbles but are too poor for Champagne, grab some Prosecco and pair it with a rind (or a bowl of shredded) parmesan. The bubbly happiness cuts some of the supernsalty taste of the parmesan, so you’ll be able to eat and drink without feeling like your mouth is a salty desert. Unlike your DM’s.
8. Chardonnay And Mild Cheddar
If you’re a middle-aged soccer mom, you have at least six bottles of Chardonnay in the house at any given time. Pair it with the mild cheddar you use in your kids’ sandwiches, because you didn’t get a chance to go to the store for fancy shit this week. It’s okay, you can still have “me time” with these meager (but delicious) rations.
9. Cabernet Sauvignon And Aged Gouda
According to VinePair, this pair works because the gouda is super, extra nutty and the Cab Sav is a pretty bold, full-bodied wine. Now, given, you could also use this salty, nutty cheese with a sweet wine—but since we aren’t in fucking high school, let’s try to drink like adults.
10. Reisling And Mozzarella
If you dig on sweet wines like Reisling, Gewürztraminer, Moscato, and Chenin Blanc, grab a fresh, soft cheese like ricotta, mozzarella, or burrata. According to Serious Eats, the sweet and soft combo works because, like, why wouldn’t it? You don’t have some big bold wine showing up your delicate mozzarella—and you wouldn’t make that fucking rookie mistake anyway. Plus, tannins will fuck your flavors up, so stay away if you’re looking to sit, alone, with a tub of ricotta and a bottle of Moscato. Cute.
Earlier this year, Italy tried to scare the shit out of us and say that they were probs going to run out of prosecco soon because we’re all drinking so much of it and they can’t keep up. Tbh, I don’t remember when they said this tragedy could happen, because I repressed it from my memory. All that matters is they haven’t run out yet, and I know this because I currently have three bottles of Lamarca in my fridge. Personally, I think this is cause to celebrate and the UK agrees with me, because they’re throwing a big prosecco festival in London this spring and we’re all fucking going because it’s a trip abroad and an excuse to get Champagne wasted.
This shindig is called Prosecco Springs and it’s literally just a bunch of prosecco producers offering up tastings, masterclasses—basically, classes that will teach you how to be a Prosecco douchebag—and some sort of prosecco pop-up store. The best part is that a festival session is only $45 and that includes a glass of bubbly from all of the eight prosecco makers who are going to be there. Is this real life? You can pay an extra $60 for the masterclass if you’re boujee af. But like, that’s still super cheap. I’ll probably spend more money at one bar this weekend than the price of a ticket for this festival. It’s cheap enough to distract you from how much a flight to London actually costs.
So go ahead and buy your tickets because god knows betches will flock to this alcoholic wonderland from all over the globe and probably cause that very shortage of prosecco they warned us about.
If you’re looking for a quick and easy cocktail to unleash your inner bartender, look no further than this seasonal AF cocktail. We’re tired of champagne and prosecco. Like, they’re delicious and make us feel fancy, but, honestly, I can’t drink that shit every weekend—gotta change it up.
To make that shit a little more interesting, we’re turning our leftover New Year’s Eve prosecco into a mojito. This delicious cocktail was created by Noel Nepomuceno, Head Bartender at the Dream Hotel’s Megu restaurant. We used Zonin Prosecco which, in addition to only being like $15, goes really nicely in this cocktail. Of course, if you can’t find Zonin, any prosecco will do.
- 2 oz Santory Toki Japanese Whiskey
- 1.5 oz ginger simple syrup—make regular simple syrup, but simmer the water/sugar mixture with 1 inch of peeled, fresh ginger. Strain before using.
- 1 oz lemon juice
- 3 strawberries
- 10 fresh mint leaves
- Zonin Prosecco
In a pint glass, add strawberries and mint leaves and muddle until leaves and berries are broken down. Add the whiskey, ginger syrup, lemon juice, and ice. Mix well, top with prosecco and serve.