Unnecessary beauty combinations are literally the bane of my existence. If I see one more Lisa Frank-inspired makeup look or hair color that looks like a unicorn puked on someone’s head, I’m going to do something drastic like delete my Instagram for at least 30 seconds. That being said, I don’t know how to deal with prosecco flavored nail polish. It definitely falls into the “useless beauty trend” category, but it also combines my two true passions: glitter and bubbly wine. Do you see my problem?
Oddly enough, the nail polish was created by Groupon to celebrate Mother’s Day. I guess the company finally caught on to the Wine Mom meme two years too late? Anyway, Groupon claims it’s the world’s first prosecco flavored nail polish, which is probably true because I can’t imagine anyone would have put those two things together before.
The polish is your basic gold and glittery color, which is actually pretty cute. The cool/weird part is that it’s made with actual, literal prosecco, and it’s edible, as in you can lick it off your nails if you want to look like an escaped lunatic. In fact, the polish has enough alcohol that it’s apparently super flammable??
Groupon claims it “tastes like the real thing,” in case you want to enjoy the taste of prosecco without the fun of getting drunk for some pointless reason. (Why would anyone do that to themselves?) But the part that kinda-sorta won my approval is that the polish is also supposed to smell like prosecco, so everyone would think you’re drunk anyway if you wore it. You’d basically be free to chug all the wine you can get your hands on this Mother’s Day and blame it on the nail polish if anyone asks. That, in my opinion, is a winning quality.
Tragically, or not-so-tragically if you’re still unconvinced, the nail polish isn’t actually for sale; it’s part of a Groupon UK contest. Are you fucking kidding me? After everything we just went through, you can’t even buy this shit? God, Groupon, I fucking hate you. You just wasted my time and sent me on an emotional rollercoaster (albeit, one that was coherent and whose points were very well-articulated, thank you very much), all over something I can’t even have?! You’re truly a fuckboy. You can take your reasonably priced spa packages because we are through.