Head Pro would love to take you out for tacos, or at least to a place that sells tacos along with booze. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter/Insta at @betchesheadpro.

I don’t know if you were aware of this, but the totality of your time here on Earth is spent interacting with other humans in ways designed to pluck at your deepest insecurities. Nowhere is this more true than in dating. All of a sudden, when the prospect of mutual coed nudity becomes even a distant possibility, it becomes even more unnerving. What do you wear? What body parts do you shave? What do I order on the first date?

Wait, what’s that? Oh, hell yeah baby. The dead plants and animals you put in your mouth that will one day pass out your backside are (or can be, at least) the subject of scrutiny. Now, I believe that somewhere on this internet site, I’m on the record as saying that dinner is a bad idea for a first date, and I stand by that—happy hour, a few drinks, and decide on the rest from there. I’ll also go on record, right now, and say that any guy who actually says anything about what you eat on a first (or any) date is an asshole not worth your time.

But: People do still do dinner as a first date, and when you go to dinner, the person across the table from you is going to have some kind of opinion on what’s set in front of you. Not, like, a STRONG opinion, but an opinion all the same. Do with this information what you will, but here’s what a guy might be thinking based on what you order on your first date.

1. Salad

This probably comes as no surprise, but ordering a salad on a first date is cliché and try-hard. Now, if you’re clearly a very skinny person, or just in California where salad is all you’re legally allowed to eat, that’s one thing. But otherwise salads are a little messy, difficult to eat while holding a conversation, and all you’re conveying is that you’re someone who’s incapable of being your real self when it’s most beneficial. You’ll get kale stuck in your teeth, and I won’t tell you about it.

2. Wings

Oops, still try-hard, just in the other direction. Since everything you read tells you to not eat anything messy on a first date, the girl who orders wings is deliberately ordering something messy to show that she’s a cool girl who’s not like other girls. Yawn. I like sticking it to The Man (and wings) as much as anything, but your performative wing-eating is annoying. Plus wings aren’t even a real meal.

3. Just Booze

I will GLADLY eat while you just sit there drinking, but I’ll also stop feigning concern for your numerous childhood issues the moment I tie a knot in the condom and drop it in your bathroom trash.

4. Pasta

I mean, pasta’s alright if we’re actually at an Italian restaurant I guess. But otherwise, like, what kind of adult orders chicken Alfredo at a restaurant? This isn’t your college dining hall. If you’re choosing pasta over everything else on the menu, I’ve either taken you to a shitty restaurant or you’re boring as hell. One of those things is way more likely than the other.

5. Some Expensive Shit

Look, even if you’re not pulling some “girl’s gotta eat” shit, ordering the most expensive thing on the menu makes you a sucker—it’s almost never worth it. That’s especially true of a first date, when no non-idiot is going to take you to the most expensive place in town. Ordering the porterhouse at an otherwise laid-back place isn’t clever or betchy, it’s tacky. And not just because I’m paying for it (but it doesn’t hurt!).

6. A Burger

A burger’s a pretty good choice, because it’s hard to find fault with them. I guess the only thing I would worry about is if it’s a place that serves those giant half pound pub-style burgers. I personally avoid them because if I want to keep drinking afterward or do anything physical (talking about fucking), I don’t want all that cow weighing me down. If you go for it anyway, all I’m thinking is that sometime soon, you’re gonna spend a lot of time on the toilet.

7. Tacos

Honestly, I got nothing. They’re not overly messy or heavy, and don’t say anything other than that you like things that are good. There you have it: Tacos are the perfect first date food. And if you only go out with people who are cool with eating tacos for dinner, well, that’s a pretty good way to go through life.

Head Pro would love to take you out for tacos, or at least to a place that sells tacos along with booze. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on twitter/Insta at @betchesheadpro.

As an Officially Woke Bae (and also, as not a giant idiot), I am fully aware that most of the things women do in terms of how they present themselves is for other women, not men. I get it, you wanna be “girl cute,” because something something something about the jungle scene from Mean Girls. Ladies be catty, amirite? But also: you definitely want to meet guys, you probably want to go out with some of them, and you may even want to strip down and touch some of them under the sheets while The Weeknd plays softly in the background.

To that end, you’re probably taking extra care on certain nights to be more appealing to dudes. And that’s great! But before you go out and buy these ugly goddamned clear-panel mom jeans, keep in mind that a lot of the stuff you do, we won’t even notice. Consider that guys don’t know shit about…

1. Fake Eyelashes

The thing with fake eyelashes is I feel like you’re only wearing them at night, which means it’s dark, which means no one can see them. And if you’re wearing them during the day, not one guy is going to care. Like, dudes don’t sit around in their RompHims at the bar scoping out girls like “hey fellas, look at how beautiful her eyes are. I bet she’s really cool and interesting.” I mean I have a feeling this is one of those things you do for you and not for us, but I can’t fathom poking yourself in the eye trying to glue them on. If my vision ever goes bad and I need contacts, I’ll probably get run over in a crosswalk because no fucking way. I treat my eyes the way God Squad girls treat their vaginas: touch around it all you want, but nothing’s getting in there.

2. Contouring

I guess the whole point of contouring is that NO ONE is supposed to notice it, and obviously I’m talking out of my butt here, but isn’t it more for pictures than real life? Like, all the contouring is lost when someone sees you in three dimensions instead of two? I dunno, maybe it does work at first glance, and that’s all that matters. The way we perceive faces is weird, mannnnnn .

3. Makeup In General, Actually

As a gender we have like, less than zero knowledge of makeup, confirmed by the mind-boggling number of men who’ll say they prefer a “natural” look and girls who don’t wear “too much” makeup. That’s basically our binary reality—so much that it’s obviously noticeable, or none at all. Now, I know that your face looks like the surface of Mars and that pulling off your “natural” look should qualify you to produce disguises for the CIA, but again, I am v woke.

4. Accessories

Unless you’re wearing an Olympic medal around your neck, ear gauges big enough for me to stick my fist through, or a wedding ring, no man on Earth has any comprehension of accessorizing. Any guy who does is either gay or trying way too hard and is probably about three drinks away from dropping some sweet pickup artist material on you.

5. Your Sports Knowledge

Now, I’m not saying it’s bad for girls to be into sports. Sports are good, and being into sports is good. What I’m saying is, no guy has a mental “must have” checklist that includes “into sports.” In other words, you spouting off Bryce Harper’s slash line at the bar might spark a conversation, but it’s not going to make me think “oh wow, she’s one of the good ones.” You know guys who try to use their feminist bonafides as proof that you should fuck them? This is a similar (albeit much more innocent) thing.

6. Shoes

Are your shoes seasonably appropriate, as in you’re not wearing sandals in the snow or snow boots to the beach? Great, that’s about as far as we’ll care. Like, we know heels = fancy and flip flops = casual, but the nuances are beyond us. And if a guy does know an unusual amount about shoes? Congratulations, you’ve got yourself a foot fetishist. Not saying there’s anything wrong with that, but he is DEFINITELY going to try to suck on your toes in bed. Be prepared.

7. Fashion In General

Most guys, I think, have a vague understanding of what’s fashionable, if nothing else based on what we see other people wearing every day. But in terms of actual trends, forget it. Like, women’s fashion, even compared to men’s fashion, is its own cultural universe. It moves too fast and follows too few rules and affects us too little to care. I’m not saying you shouldn’t dress in a way that makes you look and feel your best, but don’t be disappointed when he doesn’t recognize that it came straight off the runway in Paris.

Head Pro sincerely holds the belief that a marriage is only valid if it’s between him and an open bar. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on the social medias at @betchesheadpro.

Look, all wedding websites are terrible. Yes, even yours. Your “how we met” story is only cute to you, the bios for your bridesmaids/groomsmen are excruciating and no one gives a fuck that the third cousin of the wife of the Assistant Secretary of The Treasury lived in Slaves Built This Place Plantation in 1842.

But they’re also functional, providing actual useful information to your guests—things like the location, that there won’t be a shuttle to the reception venue 40 miles away, and links to your registry. They’re typically hosted by TheKnot, basically the Halliburton of the wedding industrial complex. But for better or worse it’s their thing, which makes it odd that they would give this dumbfuck advice for registry shopping:

Spend what you think is appropriate to your relationship to the couple, and also consider what’s reasonable in your city. While a co-worker or friend may expect a gift in the $50-75 range, someone in an urban market may have double the expectations. Here’s the ballpark you should be aiming for:

– Coworker and/or a distant family friend or relative: $50-$75
– Relative or friend: $75-$100
– Close relative or close friend: $100-$150
– Urbanite: $150-200+

I’m sorry, what? What the fuck precisely constitutes an “urbanite,” and why the fuck am I expected to kowtow to their precious expectations to spend double? How does someone even arrive at that conclusion? “Well, I know Jeanne and Ronnie are just starting out and don’t have much, but I just HAD to buy Zaydynn the Kitchenaid. She lives in a city, you know.”

Fuck that. I’m not adjusting my spending just because an acquaintance I don’t like that much chooses to pay upwards of $3/sq foot in rent. Besides that, how much does TheKnot think the price of consumer goods vary by geography? Are they based in a remote Laotian village? Unless the happy couple registered at Whole Foods, I’m pretty sure a set of ugly bathroom towels from Macy’s costs pretty much the same everywhere.

Do you want to know how much you should actually spend on a wedding gift? Here’s an easy formula: whatever the fuck you feel like spending. Seriously, though. If it’s on their registry, it means they want it. It’s not your problem if Becka registered for a bunch of mixing bowls and napkin rings. I would say as long as you hit the $25 mark, you’re absolutely fine. Let their older family members splurge for the $500 Dyson vacuum.

Congratulations on your nuptials, I only got you a plate because convention dictated that I buy my urbanite friends a Lexus.

Head Pro sincerely holds the belief that a marriage is only valid if it’s between him and an open bar. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on the social medias at @betchesheadpro.

So you’re a woke-ass betch but you keep getting curved? Contrary to what your friends and mom are telling you, if you’re getting curved left and right on dating apps, the problem is likely with you. But never fear, we turned to a local bro to help you figure out what the problem is—because you know your friends are never going to straight-up tell you you have a shitty personality. The good news is, unless you’re just ugly with a shitty personality, your problem is very easily fixed. (And if you’re ugly, your problem is also easily fixed with the help of a trusted plastic surgeon.) Turn your match list from fuckboys to bae watch with these five tips, straight from the mouth of a bro.

1. Snapchat Filters

I want to know what you look like. Not what you would look like if your mom was a raccoon and your father was a wood elf. Yes, the filter hides blemishes and contours your face in, like, the PERFECT way. It also makes you look like an alien queen with cataracts. And FFS, can we please retire the puppy filter? If I wanted to date a dog, I’d hang outside Petco with a chew toy and “see who vibes.”

2. Your Bio Is Exclusively Emojis

It’s not “adorbz.” It’s confusing. Emojis are the hot sauce of conversation. A splash is great; a whole bottle leaves me vomiting out my soul in a Taco Bell bathroom. If I wanted to decipher hieroglyphics I’d smoke a bowl with my roommate and binge watch Ancient Aliens. We’re not in kindergarten. We can use our words. Octopus + spaceship = left swipe.

3. Never Asking Me A Single Question

I’m not here to get your exclusive interview for Vogue; I’m here to see if we click. Why would I ask you out if you’ve never asked me a question? If you want to give endless answers, take a Buzzfeed quiz.

4. Never Smiling In Any Photos

How you gonna look like we just broke up when we haven’t even gone on a date yet? Unless you’re a coal miner from the 1860s or you got dragged to hot yoga, there’s no reason not to smile. Yes, I realize “You should smile more” tops the hot 100 of shit women never want to hear from men, right between “Ayy ma” and “I don’t believe in condoms,” but this is all about first impressions. No one wants to date the girl who looks like she’s never experienced joy, or even seen a Pixar movie.

5. “Just On Here To Make Friends”

Using dating apps to make friends is like trying to get drunk off hand sanitizer: If it’s come to this, you need serious professional help. No guy you match with wants to be your friend. Especially if he tells you he does. You have a better chance screaming out your window at strangers or praying that your cat learns to talk. If you want friends, join a softball team. Literally anything else. Just don’t join a dating app.

Head Pro’s favorite things are pizza, dreaming about sex with Shay Mitchell, and when you email him at [email protected].

The problem with self-proclaimed “unpopular opinions” is that they’re not unpopular because, as their writers smugly believe, they’re HARSH TRUTHS that no one has the balls to admit. Instead, they’re unpopular for a very simple reason: they’re usually dumb and bad.

Take, for instance, this bone-headed take on pizza penned by Late Late Show writer Eliza Skinner in Refinery29, a publication that’s the literary equivalent of a high school sophomore trying to have a legitimate discussion with adults about global economic policies. She (wait for it)… DOESN’T LIKE PIZZA!! Which is fine, though it doesn’t warrant an entirely too-long screed that I’m not convinced is satirical, but I’m also not convinced isn’t. See if you can see what I mean.

“Yeah, that’s right — I don’t like pizza. I don’t like kids either. Dogs I like, but at this point I assume you’ve already clicked away from this article, muttering; “What an asshole. Pizza is the most overrated food since sliced bread.”

So edgy! “I have some incredibly conventional opinions held by many people my age, but let me hit you with a HARSH TRUTH: Pizza—not that good!” How do you accurately “rate” a food, anyway, especially against other foods that are not it? Good pizza is good. Duck confit is also good. Were I starving in a desert, dog food would probably be pretty swell too. Saying any one food is “overrated” is nonsense.

“Essentially, it is just melted cheese on bread with some tomato sauce in-between.”

This is an argument for, not against, pizza. This is why it’s the perfect junk food, it’s combination of salt and fat and carbs flip all the switches in our lizard brains. I know I shouldn’t eat it all the time, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t if I could.

“Nothing wrong with that. But everywhere you look someone is LOSING THEIR SHIT about pizza—pizza clothes, pizza tattoos, pizza home decor! Pizza has become an identity. I’ve seen more than one online dating profile that listed “pizza” under personality.”

Alright, this is a legitimate discussion I’ve had with Sgt. Olivia Betchson (god, that is so much dumber when I type it out). The meme-ification of pizza is annoying. Every other Instagram post is some iteration of “tfw your friends want you to go out but pizza is bae.”

 

A photo posted by Head Pro (@betchesheadpro) on

Aug 22, 2015 at 5:38pm PDT

This has 6 more likes than it should, and I apologize.

But the problem is, pizza is a useful tool in these dumb memes because of what it represents: as opposed to the other 50% of instagram, which is people deliberately people showing off how hawt and sexxxy they are, it’s the opposite. People use it to poke fun at themselves by saying “hey, I’m not working out, I’m in my pajamas watching SVU marathons and eating food that someone brought to my door!” It’s annoying, but your problem is not with pizza. Your problem is with the assholes who turned it into a symbol of frivolous, intentionally-delayed adulthood.

“How much do you know about the APC? The American Pizza Community? It’s the pizza lobby… The APC has done a lot of strategizing to help make pizza popular and easily accessible. They lobbied to get pizza counted as a vegetable in school lunches… Mitt Romney received $110,807 from the APC. Mitch McConnell got $20,350. PIZZA IS REPUBLICAN.”

Inserting politics into places where they otherwise don’t make sense is a great way to accumulate friends, and I recommend doing it often. But I have news for you: anything that can be commodified and profited from is going to “be republican,” because they tend to favor business-friendly economic policies. Again, your problem is not with pizza, a foodstuff. Your problem is with BIG PIZZA. Buy local, or make your own (it’s stupefyingly easy) if you don’t like that.

“I sound like a hateful old gluten- and lactose-intolerant bitch! And you know what? I am.”

Wait, why the fuck are we here, then? The slim odds of her being both of those things aside, why are you complaining at length about a food you evidently can’t eat? That’s like me saying sex with Shay Mitchell is “overrated.”

Now, strap in to get fucked up…

“I work in TV, which means I’m often on sets full of hardworking people who need to be fed quickly and cheaply, and pizza is always the easy answer… What bothers me is the actresses. The same job that asks actresses to give in to unreasonable societal beauty standards also regularly asks them to smile and say thank you for pizza… But having a problem with pizza might make an actress seem difficult. Don’t be difficult! You should be fun! Pizza is fun!”

​

KABOOOOOOOOMMMM PIZZA IS UNFEMINIST!!!!! Like, I kind of get this? No one enjoys being the person in the office who, on pizza day, skulks away to go heat up their Lean Cuisine—you will get a comment or two from people who take your mindful choices as an unspoken commentary on their own, poor choices.

But also, I’m an adult who, should I elect to not partake in the free pizza, can afford to make the choice to bring something other than not pizza. So is, presumably, a working actress. You wanna insert some intersectional feminism in there? Fine, have at it. But again, if you’re blaming an innocuous foodstuff for so many of your woes, you don’t need internet column space. You need a therapist.

Head Pro’s favorite things are pizza, dreaming about sex with Shay Mitchell, and when you email him at [email protected].