Is there anything better than laying on the couch with a bottle of wine and screaming at a couple who’s trying to decide between a shanty within walking distance of the city or a chicken farm 18 miles away for their family of six on House Hunters? Or laughing at how ADORABLE Chip and Joanna are? How about begrudgingly turning on Love It Or List It and mentally drop-kicking the idiot people that literally always stay in their stupid houses? No, there is nothing better. HGTV is in a golden age, but there are dark, dirty, and weird secrets hiding behind the shiplap exterior. Here are some things you never knew about HGTV.
1. They’ve Usually Already Bought The House
I AM SHOOK. This goes for House Hunters and Fixer Upper (probably a few others, too). Because filming is on a very short timeline, in order to qualify for many of HGTV’s shows, participants need to have already gotten through much of the buying process—with some even close to closing. This news broke in 2012, so it shouldn’t be a huge shock to any of you, but it definitely explains some of the super scripted-sounding exchanges between couples on the shows.
2. Participants On ‘House Hunters’ Get Paid
Yo, sign me up. In addition to being on HGTV, participants on House Hunters get paid $500 for about one week of filming and those on House Hunters International get about $1,500. According to Business Insider, the payment acts as an incentive for embarrassing yourself on national television (I paraphrase). There can also be cool sh*t like lunches with the director and some light pampering, too.
3. Hilary Farr Is An Actress
LOL YIKES. According to BuzzFeed, Hilary Farr, of Love It Or List It, used her birth name, Hilary LaBow, and appeared in The Rocky Horror Picture Show as Betty Munroe. The casting must have translated to real life, too, since the majority of Farr’s fashion choices are about as terrifying as the costuming in that film.
4. Jonathan Scott Isn’t The Contractor
I f*cking knew it. Apparently, Jonathan will do a few things here and there, but the majority of any heavy lifting during the construction portion of Property Brothers is done by a real construction crew so that Jonathan doesn’t get his plaid shirts dirty risk losing a hand. According to this article, “The heavy lifting is done by the show’s less telegenic construction crew, but he’ll wear his tool belt and plaid shirt in solidarity.”
5. The Beginning Of ‘Fixer Upper’ Is Fake
Like House Hunters, many of the participants on Fixer Upper have already bought a house when the beginning of the show is filmed. Meaning that the couple, Joanna, and Chip are literally all lying to our faces for the first 15 minutes when they pretend to be interested in shack option 1, old haunted Victorian mansion option 2, and murder house-turned-chicken-farm option 3. HOW COULD YOU?!
6. ‘Fixer Upper’ Participants Don’t Get To Keep The Furniture
This is v rude. Apparently, Joanna just stages all those nice little rustic-chic houses and the participants have the option of BUYING the furniture she uses. That may explain why I’ve seen the same couch three to six times in several different homes and also why there are no TVs in 75% of the reveals.
7. No One Keeps The HGTV Dream Homes
HGTV has been doing the whole Dream Home contest since 1997, which usually comes with cash, a car, and this baller party pad. Sounds amaze. However, even though the house is free, taxes aren’t, and people end up paying tens of thousands of dollars per year on these things if they keep them. Many choose not to, though, and according to Cosmo, taxes are the cause of many people that win the HGTV dream homes not keeping them. Almost every winner has sold the home immediately—which, bummer.
Images: Giphy (5)
You know a TV network has made it when they’re better known for celeb gossip than their actual purpose. Case in point: HGTV, which has somehow gone from the network you only ever watched at your grandma’s house to the reason you bought a toolbox you have no idea how to use. (Whatever, it’s part of your decor now.) If you’ve ever laid in bed watching the channel all day because you’re too hungover to find the remote, you know that like 90 percent of HGTV’s appeal comes from Property Brothers, the show about a pair of tall, muscular twins giving ugly homes a makeover while being tall and muscular. Did I mention they have dimples and are muscular?
Obviously, the primary reason to watch Property Brothers is to ogle the hosts, Jonathan and Drew Scott. You can see why the Internet exploded when people just “discovered” the twins have an older brother, J.D., even though he’s been on the show a million times. Amateurs. Anyway, considering how genetically #blessed Jonathan and Drew are, their entire family must be wildly attractive. It’s science or something.
But is J.D. actually as hot as his brothers? That’s the kind of pressing question that keeps me up at night. Read on for an authoritative analysis by yours truly.
this pic of the third Property Brother has me seriously messed up pic.twitter.com/UZyWYl6e69
— brad esposito (@braddybb) April 6, 2017
First order of business: the hair. Dear god, the hair. Does his stylist have a brain injury causing them to think it’s still 2008? I haven’t seen anything like it since the days when we pretended that the lead singer of My Chemical Romance was hot. Given that he’s neither a member of a wannabe punk band or an emo kid who just discovered hair dye, there’s no excuse for that “spiky in the back, flat ironed in the front” business he had going on for years. Nobody that close to 40 years old should look like they spend their free time memorizing Modest Mouse albums.
Luckily, someone (I’m assuming his brothers after they decided the self-induced humiliation had gone on too long) must have told J.D. his hair is doing him precisely zero favors, and he now covers it with unfortunate hats. Progress, I guess.
And date night begins right MEOW!!! #Nashville pic.twitter.com/btgqqwi8FM
— JD Scott (@MrJDScott) April 7, 2017
Once you get past the hair (as if that’s possible), he basically looks like a slightly older, shorter version of his brothers. I’m prepared to overlook his tragic lack of dimples because he has a bunch of tattoos, and honestly, his eyebrows are way better groomed—something I’m gonna chalk up to his acting background. Considering attractiveness is basically a requirement of being an actor, you’d think this would make him officially hot in a brooding-artist kind of way. Like, someone you’d consider making out with until they invited you to their improv show.
Unfortunately, he chose to apply his acting skills in the least attractive way possible—worse than used car lot commercials or working as a sports mascot. Apparently, J.D. used to work as a David Bowie and Adam Lambert impersonator in Las Vegas, which both explains the hair and brings down his hotness quotient in one fell swoop.
If you’re going to be a celeb impersonator, couldn’t you at least go with a young Elvis or something? David Bowie, while fucking awesome (may he rest in peace), has never been ranked as hot by any stretch of the imagination, except I guess by Iman. I had to Google Adam Lambert, and he’s apparently a former American Idol contestant who’s most famous for wearing a lot of eyeliner, and his career (shockingly) didn’t really take off after the show. Also, he has gauges in both ears. Hard pass. These are not the people anyone in their right mind should choose to impersonate.
But we all make mistakes, and J.D. appears to be making marginally better fashion/career choices these days. Just because he’s doomed to forever be compared to his handsome AF brothers doesn’t mean he’s hideous or anything, especially now that the emo hair appears to be a thing of the past. Also, judging from his Instagram, he’s just as built as his brothers. Therefore, we the jury pronounce J.D. Scott “almost hot, with room for improvement.” I mean, I’m not going to complain next time he shows up during a hungover Property Brothers marathon. The more hotties the merrier, etc. etc.