The winter months are finally behind us, and we are entering into the most beautiful season of the year. Wedding season! There’s almost always an open bar, shrimp cocktail, and the potential you’ll make out with your step-cousin. What’s not to love? In fact, I’m currently looking forward to my brother’s wedding, where, with the help of my unlimited Bar Method membership, I plan on outshining everyone and calling it “Cait’s Big Day.” See! These things are fun!
But I hate to break it to you: no matter how awesome your sorority sister Deborah’s all-inclusive Cabo nuptials were, they were a mere dumpster fire compared to the opulent events that celebrities throw for their weddings . I guess when you made a billion dollars on a sex tape, why not get married in a castle for the publicity to celebrate the third time you found your true love? It doesn’t make a mockery of the sanctity of marriage at all! This year, the main event we’re all waiting for this year is the marriage of the King and Queen of Extra, J.Lo and A-Rod, where I’m sure as a party trick they’ll have Instagram models lighting stacks of hundreds on fire, and serve champagne spiked with liquid gold. But since we don’t know exactly when that’s coming, I’ve decided to take a look back at the most expensive celebrity weddings of all time. Proceed with caution, because these numbers have been known to cause extreme jealousy and even rage blackouts.
1. Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra
You can’t mention extravagant weddings and leave out our most recent gluttonous celebrants, The Hottest Jonas Brother ™ and his Bollywood star bride, Priyanka Chopra. Nick and Priyanka had not one, not two, but THREE wedding ceremonies, all in the hopes of luring Duchess Meghan to just one, but apparently she was busy making Kate Middleton cry or whatever. Kidding! I mean, not kidding about the three weddings, I would never joke about something like that. I’m kidding about them trying to trap Meghan Markle into coming, I’m sure they know she already dropped them faster than ABC dropped Quantico.
One of the weddings (don’t ask me which one, I’m already exhausted from this story and I have numerous disgustingly ostentatious weddings to go), took place at the Umaid Bahwan Palace, a royal palace-turned-hotel in India, which costs $60,000 a night. They also put on a fireworks display and wore custom Ralph Lauren designed outfits. I know you’re wondering, “Did poor Nick Jonas have to spend all his Camp Rock money on this wedding?” and the answer is a resounding NO! Thankfully, our lovely couple got practically the whole thing covered by sponsorships including Tiffany & Co, Longchamp, and Elit Vodka. I hope you all are able to get sponsors for you own weddings, because is it even true love if you aren’t getting paid for it?
2. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries
TBH I totally forgot Kris Humphries existed until last week, when he decided it was important to let the world know he is the proud owner of a Five Guys franchise. Congrats! This revelation really just made me hungry, but it also got him into this story, so I guess he can call it a win?
In case you also forgot about Kris, let me refresh your memory. His wedding to Kim reportedly cost $10 million, $20K of which was spent on the cake that they all enjoyed, and then they immediately went to their plastic surgeon and had the fat the cake left on their waistline injected into their asses. I’m just speculating, but we all know it’s plausible. This wedding is especially fun because it involves math! If you spent $10 million on a wedding that last 72 days, how much did that cost you per day? Probably more than Kris’s Five Guys franchise will ever take in, that’s for sure. (It’s actually $138,888.88 per day, if you’re seriously curious).
3. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West
After Kris Humphries, Kim decided she needed a more famous husband fell in love with longtime friend Kanye West. So, in typical girl-with-no-shame fashion, she decided to throw yet another obscenely expensive wedding.
Kim and Kanye got married in Italy at the Forte di Belvedere, which cost over $300,000 to rent. There was a performance from Andrea Bocelli, and her gown was Givenchy Haute Couture. Okay, now listen hard, because this is the only nice thing I’m ever going to say about Kim Kardashian: I kind of liked her dress. Now excuse me while I go burst into flames. Anyway, the lovely couple was married amongst their friends and family, except for Rob, who deemed himself too fat to attend. If only we could all use that excuse Rob, IF ONLY. When all was said and done, the event cost around $2.8 million, according to E! Online. That sounds atrocious, but TBH the cost per day is WAY less than her wedding to Kris Humphries, so it was practically a bargain.
4. George and Amal Clooney
When the ultimate bachelor announced his engagement, the world was stunned. Everyone thought that George would grow old with his motorcycle and Max, his potbellied pig. But he gave it all up to eventually run for office marry a gorgeous British human rights attorney. Fine, if you had to settle, George, I guess she’ll do.
The pair got married in Venice, with their A-list guests arriving by boat and looking every bit the movie stars they are. Everyone stayed in Cipriani hotel suites that cost a reported $3 million, and George looked dapper in his Giorgio Armani tux, while Amal wore a custom Oscar de la Renta gown, which she showed off on the cover of People magazine. The whole event cost over $4.5 million, and that doesn’t even include all the Casamigos Tequila that I’m sure George provided at no cost.
5. Prince William and Kate Middleton
Finally, we get to the royalty! The parents of the most badass member of the monarchy, Prince George, got married on April 29, 2011. Their wedding is unique because most things didn’t actually cost money. The castle for the reception? Oh no biggie, they own it. The tiara? A loaner from the Queen’s personal collection. Kate’s makeup? Oh, the future Queen consort will do it herself, thanks. So why the f*ck did this wedding cost a reported $34 million? SECURITY. That’s right! A whopping $32 million was spent to keep this event secure. And I guess it was worth it? All members of the royal family (as well as Pippa’s iconic backside) survived the event and have lived on to bless the world with their beautiful offspring, mediocre fashion, and petty family fights.
So there you have it, all the sh*t celebrities waste money on for marriages that probably won’t last most expensive celebrity weddings. I wish there had been more circus performances and puppies serving appetizers to report on, but if that happened, no one is telling me. Fingers crossed J.Lo will do it!
Images: Giphy (2); priyankachopra, kimkardashian, about_clooneys, katemiddletonphotos/Instagram
Pete and Ariana may not have made it down the aisle, but one of the other whirlwind couples of 2018 just did. After a dating period that lasted 10 minutes, Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra are married. For everyone that said this relationship was a publicity stunt, you might still be right, but they’re at least really committed to it.
Nick and Priyanka are still in the midst of a lavish, three-day celebration in India, and I’m frankly offended I wasn’t invited. The festivities include two ceremonies, one traditional Indian and one Christian, which Nick’s dad officiated/will be officiating/I don’t really understand the timeline of all this and also they’re in India so what day is it even? Whatever, the moral of the story is that this whole thing is very extra and I’m mad I’m not there. For the Indian ceremony, Nick will be riding in on a horse, which is traditional, but also straight out of my dreams from 2008.
Honestly, it was easy to be skeptical about this relationship from the beginning, but I’m coming around. They both seem so genuinely happy in every photo and interview, so why not go for it? They’re both hot and famous and rich, so there’s only so much that could go wrong. Now, we just have Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner’s wedding to look forward to, but I have a feeling theirs will be a little more low key. We can’t all rent out an Indian palace for our wedding.
I’m still a little angry that my invitation got lost in the mail, but hey, Meghan Markle isn’t there either, so at least we have that in common. Also, the wedding weekend isn’t even over yet, so I’m sure we’ll be seeing pictures from this sh*t for months to come. Congrats Nick and Priyanka, mazel tov. Or whatever they say in India.
Images: @priyankachopra / Instagram
Is it just me, or is it getting harder and harder to keep up with new celebrity couples? While some couples are all over Instagram with each other, others play it so low-key that you have to dig through tabloids and paparazzi photos to even know if they’re still hanging out. There have been some interesting new celebrity couples recently, but I’m not convinced that all of them will last until the end of this sentence. Who’s bound to get engaged, and who’s just fucking around? These are my predictions about some of the most interesting new celebrity couples. I don’t have a crystal ball or anything, so lmk in the comments if you think any of my guesses are wrong. I can’t promise to care, though.
1. Hailey Baldwin & Justin Bieber
Once-upon-a-time fuckbuddies Hailey and Justin have recently reignited their relationship, and it seems to be going well. After they were spotted making out all over NYC, they’ve been seen hanging out more, including going to church together in LA. That’s a favorite date activity for Justin, but does it mean that he’s serious about Hailey? I have to say, the fact that they’re currently rocking the exact same haircut is both cute and disgusting. I think they’re having fun for the summer, but Justin will get distracted by the time Labor Day rolls around.
2. Ariana Grande & Pete Davidson
I’ve already spent way too much mental energy on Pete and Ariana’s absurd relationship, so I won’t rehash all the details here. Despite the questionable timeline of their relationship and engagement, I actually think they could be the real deal. Assuming they don’t fuck things up by getting married too soon, I could see them being together for a long time. Like, years. But also maybe they could cool it with the Instagram posts, just a little?
3. Dakota Johnson & Chris Martin
Dakota and Chris have been dating since last fall, so they’re the least new couple on this list, but we also know very little about them. I respect that they want to keep things private, but I’d also like more details please. Sources say they’ve been getting serious and that Dakota has recently been spending a lot of time at Chris’ place in Malibu. Dakota seems like kind of a wet blanket, but considering that Chris spent years with Gwyneth Paltrow, Dakota probably seems like Snooki in comparison. I see this relationship lasting for another six months to a year, but I doubt this will end in a wedding.
4. Anwar Hadid & Sonia Ben Ammar
We already discussed how the youngest Hadid was seen hanging out with this French-Tunisian model just days after making out with Kendall Jenner. Are they dating? Is this the beginning of a relationship? I have no idea, but I’m predicting one of two things: either Anwar has already blocked Sonia’s number and moved on to someone new, or they will be together for a long time. Actually no, I’m definitely going with the first one. He’s too young and too pretty to settle down, and he just got out of a serious relationship. Anwar is definitely DTF with any hot model right now.
5. Kendall Jenner & Ben Simmons
It’s been nearly a month since Kendall Jenner was first seen hanging out with NBA Rookie of the Year Ben Simmons, and a lot has happened. Mainly, things were complicated when Kendall was seen making out with Anwar Hadid earlier this month. This all feels so incestuous, but I’m also turned on? Since her night out with Anwar, Kendall has been seen with Ben multiple times, signaling that they’re at least a little serious. They even went grocery shopping together, which is such an adult choice of activities. Idk if Kendall is in the mood for anything major, but it’s the off-season for Ben, so it makes sense for them to have fun. Who knows, Maybe Kendall is destined to become a basketball wife?
6. Nick Jonas & Priyanka Chopra
This is truly one of the most random celebrity couples in recent memory, but they’re looking more and more real. After attending the Met Gala “as friends,” Nick and Priyanka quickly evolved into an It Couple, and now there are even rumors that they’re going to get engaged soon. I still feel strongly that Nick Jonas is meant to end up with me, so I can’t say I’m a fan, but Priyanka is an amazing catch. I can also see Nick getting along well with someone older, so maybe this couple is really going to last. I’m calling it now, they’re going to have beautiful babies together.
Images: moonlight_jdrew, petedavidson, dakotajohnson, modelsstylee, benxkendall, ericpriyanka / Instagram
Apparently I wasn’t the only one to blackout over Memorial Day Weekend and make questionable decisions with a guy who told me he was “basically 21,” because Priyanka Chopra from TV’s Quantico just stepped out with Nick Jonas, and it is a lot for me to digest. That’s right, people, 25-year-old Nick “I Lost My Purity Ring” Jonas is supposedly dating 35-year-old Priyanka Chopra after they were spotted together at a Dodgers game last weekend. To be fair, I also take the kids I babysit to baseball games sometimes so, like, it’s not super solid evidence. But the two of them have been spending a weird amount of time together, so I guess I’ll buy into it. For now.
For those of you who left thoughts of Nick Jonas back in 2010 along with your Delia’s gift card and the Hannah Montana finale, this actually isn’t the first time Nick’s been romantically linked to an older woman. Which got me thinking, is Nick Jonas into cougars? Is the boy behind prolific lines like “I’ve been to the year 3000” and “not much has changed but they lived under water” that defined our generation, somehow seducing mature, grown-ass women?? These are the questions that keep me up at night. Clearly, this is a case for the FBI me and my creative writing degree which I shall treat like it’s a journalism degree. So buckle up, betches, because it’s time to take a deep dive into the psyche of a Joe Bro.
For someone who got famous for his talent and artistic drive being a hot virgin, Nick has had a lot of fucking girlfriends over the years. Like, way more than his covers on Tiger Beat ever alluded to being possible. Nick’s cougar fetish goes way back to 2011, when he dated Delta Goodrem, an Australian singer (??), for 10 months. Delta was a solid 27 years old at the time of their courtship, while Nick was only 18. EIGHT-FUCKING-TEEN. When I was 18 I was still getting drunk off of wine coolers and buying my “lingerie” from American Eagle. I was certainly not banging Australian singers old enough to be my legal guardian. In an interview with 60 Minutes, Delta said this of their relationship:
“Maybe it’s that I’m interested in challenges. Maybe I’m one of these spirits who goes, ‘Ooh, what is this lesson here? What am I learning here?’ … There was a genuine love, definitely.”
Okay, I have so many questions here. First of all, why is 60 Minutes trying to get to the bottom of a Disney star’s sex life? I mean, I know I’m doing the same thing here, but I also spend 30-45 minutes a day searching Bughead fan accounts on Instagram, so it’s not like I’m the best at using my time wisely, ya feel me? Secondly, WHAT IS SO CHALLENGING ABOUT DATING AN 18-YEAR-OLD? Other than trying to convince the bouncer at the bar where your friends are that his fake ID is real? Also, I would love to know the life lessons Nick fucking Jonas taught this woman who was almost pushing 30. Please enlighten me, Delta.
Moving on. Nick also had a “fling” with Kate Hudson back in 2016. As we all know, “fling” is the celebrity code word for “definitely banged a few times.” When I first heard this news I was shocked, because Kate is 13 years older than little Nicky and also a mother of two. I’m not sure if Kate was having some sort of mid-life crisis in which she suddenly had a burning desire to seduce the star of her son’s favorite Disney program, but somehow it happened. Then again, maybe Nick has some sort of secret game that I’m not aware of??
Christ. Maybe not.
Nick told Ellen Degeneres that he’d been on a group date with an unnamed older actress but “it wasn’t a date”, which is funny because that’s the exact same line I use when my Hinge date tries to split the bill. He later confirmed their booty call relationship in an interview with Complex magazine when he all but admitted that he definitely banged Kate Hudson. And by that I mean he said this:
“Out of my best effort to respect her and her privacy, I’m not going to say if we had sex or not. But we did have a beautiful connection…. She’s amazing.”
ALSO NICK:
I rest my fucking case.
The last piece of evidence I’ll present to the court 5-10 friends I’ve blackmailed into reading all of my articles is this: Last week, Nick tried to slide into Jenna Dewan’s DMs. After the Billboard Music Awards, Jenna posted an Instagram photo with the caption “Billboard Awards- ‘twas such a fun night!!!” Nick commented on her photo with this flirtatious comeback:
‘TWAS. ‘TWASN’T IT.
First of all, I’d just like to say that you, sir, are ballsy. Not only is Jenna 12 years older than Nick, but she’s also been on the market for all of five minutes, and I’m sure my her heart is still mending from the devastating break up with the love of my her life, Channing Tatum. LET THE WOMAN BREATHE, NICKY. To be fair, he also liked a shit ton of photos that his ex-girlfriend, Olivia Culpo, posted that night as well, so it’s unclear as to if he was actually flirting with Jenna or if he just had a hefty amount of Pinot Grigio and wanted to connect with someone. Who can say. All I know is it ‘TWAS very suspicious.
So there you have it: definitive proof that Nick Jonas has more mommy issues than Ariel Winter is into cougars. And by “definitive proof,” I mean vague assumptions I’ve made based on the internet rumors surrounding his sex life. Obviously. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend the rest of the day trying to unsee the The Jonas Brothers’ flat-ironed curls circa 2007 that have now been seared into my brain thanks to this investigation.
Images: Giphy (2); @commentsbycelebs /Instagram (1)
You might have heard there was a wedding this weekend! The world’s favorite royal and most obvious example that what happens in Vegas does not actually stay in Vegas, Prince Harry, married Deal or No Deal briefcase girl Meghan Markle. Congratulations! I’m sure they will be very happy together for the next 18 months. In all seriousness, the royal wedding was gorgeous and the dress was underwhelming, but that’s not why I was watching. I’m here for the hats and the fascinators. Didn’t I just sound so British there? Being a Jersey girl myself, I’ve not had the opportunity to wear a balls-out-bonkers hat to a wedding. They frown upon that in my home state, but you can bring all the cleavage you want. We’re a complicated people.
I had high hopes for this wedding, since all the celebrities that befriended Meghan when they found out she was dating Prince Harry were invited to attend *cough* Oprah *cough*. Also, we all remember how Harry’s cousin Princess Beatrice loves to upstage the bride.
Iconic.
So imagine my disappointed surprise when I saw that only a select few celebs really brought it. I can only imagine they heard the bride’s dress was going to be boring af and decided to follow Suits suit? Let’s take a look at some of the standout pieces.
Oprah
Since we’re talking about the royals, it’s only appropriate to begin with America’s Queen, Her Royal Highness Oprah Winfrey. As my work friend just commented, Oprah looked a little cray-cray. Her hat designer managed to create a bespoke piece that included feathers that reach all the way to Chicago from Windsor Castle. It’s a modern engineering marvel. I pity the fool who had to sit behind her.
Serena Williams
If you read my Bella Thorne article, you know I think Serena is the GOAT. She can do no wrong in my eyes, and she is certainly the GOAT in the hat department of this wedding. I can only imagine her fascinator was modeled in the image of a flame because Serena shoots straight fire on the court and in this outfit. How many more compliments do we think I need to give her for her to call me?
Amal Clooney
Amal Clooney is British, so I figured she would know better than others how to toe the line of totally insane but also respectful. And we all know she loves a fugly outfit (that Met Gala dress, amiright?). But instead, she dressed like classic school girl character Madeline.
Priyanka Chopra
It’s been widely reported that the Quantico actress is one of Meghan’s closest friends. So naturally when she got the invitation to the royal wedding, she went right to her stylist and said “Gimme one that looks like a spaceship, only purple.” And they did just that. After the wedding it conveniently transported her back to her home planet of crazy.
Troian Bellisario
I’d be remiss to write this article and not mention that Spencer Hastings was there! Her hat was perfectly lovely and normal and frankly I expected more from a woman that agreed to play her own identical twin on TV just because the writers ran out of ideas. I can only hope that Troian spent the whole wedding using her SPOT-ON Alex Drake British accent.
Clearly the celebrities did not bring their A-game to this wedding. Fingers crossed the reception outfits were better and that in 20 years I’ll be writing about the Oprah-Prince George power couple wedding.
Images: Getty Images; @2_greek_chicks, @oprah, @serenawilliams, @people, @priyankachopra, @sleepinthegardn / Instagram
