Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and welcome to my The Princess Switch: Switched Again recap. Now, when I had initially set out to do this recap, I had some pretty lofty goals. “I’ll have to watch Princess Switch again,” I told myself. Then I downgraded to, “ok, I’ll at least re-read my own recap.” And then, that became, “well surely, they’ll have a ‘what you missed on Princess Switch 1…’ montage at the beginning of the sequel, right?” In the end, laziness won out and I decided to write this recap going off my memory of the first movie, which includes bits and pieces of things like Chicago, a baking contest, a little old elf man who provided wisdom along the way, a hot friend named Kevin (who, for the record, can still get it), Vanessa Hudgens as Vanessa Hudgens, Vanessa Hudgens’ horrible foreign accent, and a fictional country named Montenaro. Did I get everything? No? I don’t care.
Well, I’m excited for the sequel because now we don’t have two Vanessa Hudgens, but three, and as a triplet myself I feel that it’s my responsibility to ensure our accurate portrayal in the media.
Picture it: the year is… two years after the original movie was set. The king of Montenaro has died, meaning that Margaret is now next in line for the throne, which has royally f*cked up her dating life.
We open back up where we last left off, at Belgravia’s 59th annual baking competition. Stacy is tasked with announcing the winner, who is someone named Zach from Munich that we’re supposed to remember was in the first movie. The only other baker I remember was that bitchy redhead. Anyone else?
Back at the castle, Prince Edward and Stacy are a little strained because Edward is too busy running around and running a country, and Stacy is busy… giving out ribbons and halfhearted speeches about the power of Christmas.
Ok so Kevin and Margaret BROKE UP?? All that buildup for nothing! Kevin seems to be really done with Margaret, too, because he turned down the invitation to Margaret’s coronation (which is happening on Christmas, for no reason other than the fact that it has to give this plot a connection to Christmas, however tenuous).
Prince Edward: Well he turned down the invite, so there ya go.
Stacy: Men never know what they want.
I mean, she’s not wrong.
Stacy has a brilliant idea: to go to Chicago on the way to Montenaro. Now, my knowledge of geography of fictional European-esque countries is admittedly spotty, but I have a feeling Chicago is not on the way. If we had a Genovia-like country in the middle of the Midwest this entire time, I think I would have heard about it!
In Chitown, Zaddy Kevin is supposed to look dumpy since his breakup (Stacy makes a comment, “you look…comfortable”) but I’m not buying it. His beard is fuller, his skin is clear, sure, he’s wearing a hoodie and a backwards hat, but he can (say it with me now) still get it.
Stacy: You’re wearing sweatpants, you won’t date, and you’re collecting cats.
It’s called BEING IN QUARANTINE, ok Stacy? Sheesh, have a little understanding.
Stacy gives him the invite to the coronation like, “two years ago, you gave me an invitation that changed my life. Now it’s time for me to return the favor.”
Kevin says he and Margaret broke up because they “just didn’t want the same things anymore.” Stacy convinces him to go to the coronation as a friend.
Ugh, Margaret is back, and her accent is as horrible as ever. I feel like Vanessa Hudgens studied Lindsay Lohan’s accent in The Parent Trap for this role.
Inside the palace, all the furniture is covered with sheets. This is a bit of a snafu because Margaret’s supposed to be throwing a Christmas ball in this very palace. Margaret is saying how the palace doesn’t feel like home. Did she not grow up there? HOW does this country’s line of succession work?? We went from King to the King’s brother to… nobody else was available in between so they just picked a random Duchess? Why this Duchess?
Our first musical montage break comes in the form of the old pals agreeing to help Margaret decorate the palace for Christmas. Half a song later and with no outside assistance from staff, the palace is fully decked out.
Kevin and Margaret are tasked with baking something (weird because one of the other people with that same face is a professional baker), and a flour fight ensues. They are interrupted by Antonio, Margaret’s hot Chief of Staff who definitely has the hots for her. He tears her away to review the coronation practices or whatever “over a cup of tea”, which I feel like is code. I sense a battle of the braun!
Stacy catches onto this too, because she takes it upon herself to cockblock the sh*t out of Antonio and also wingwoman Kevin. She goes to Margaret like, “you know who’s looking fine lately? Kevin.” AGREE.
This gave me vibes of:
Margaret is like, “Nah but that’s over with, we’re done. Why, did he ask about me? What did he say?” I mean, who among us hasn’t claimed to be over an ex while still pumping our mutual friends for info over whether they were over us?
I will say, the dresses at this ball are amazing.
Stacy and Edward push Kevin to ask Margaret to dance, but he almost gets beaten to the punch by Antonio, the slick bastard, whose bowtie is almost as wide as his shoulders. What a buffoon.
My man Kevin is pulling out all the moves, asking Margaret to “go for a drive” “as friends.”
Stacy: What could possibly come between two people who look at each other that way?
Oh, glad you asked, because in waltzes badass blonde British(?) Vanessa Hudgens, who acts like one of the demons who came out of the Bad Place with Adam Scott to terrorize Eleanor and Chidi. If this Amazon wig comes between Margaret and Kevin, then Kev wasn’t as amazing as I thought he was.
Turns out Bad Margaret has a name, that name is Fiona, and Fiona is Marg’s cousin. She’s the duchess of some other fake country called Pembroke. Fiona used the word “cuzzy” in earnest, so I immediately hate this woman. She really is evil.
The funny thing is Bad Margaret is like, “you and Stacy look like twins, that’s so weird,” completely ignoring that she too looks exactly like them. Reminds me of the scene in Parent Trap where Hallie and Annie are like “hmm I guess we look kind of alike except your nose is too big”, when we’re all like, YOU HAVE THE SAME F*CKING FACE.
Fiona’s two demons friends basically set out to pickpocket everyone to pay for their summer in Capri, including stealing Kevin’s wallet. This doesn’t appear to ever be relevant again, so I wonder why they bothered at all. After, they gather to pool their spoils like Janet Snakehole and Burt Macklin after spending two hours stealing from people at the Snakehole Lounge. One of the demons pulls out a roll of toilet paper, insisting it’s double-ply, and let me tell you, back in March, one of those babies could’ve paid for a year in Mykonos.
Just as Margaret and Kevin are supposed to set off on their drive, f*cking Antonio rolls up like, “we have an urgent matter for you to tend to. The matter happens to be in my pants.”
Sure enough, Margaret is like, “I thought this was urgent?” And Antonio is like, “it is urgent. You’ve urgently become the queen of my heart” and gives her a necklace. This f*ck. This corny f*ck.
Margaret is like, “ehh, I’m not sure” and Antonio is like, “why, because of that Kevin guy? I could fight him. Should I fight him? Everyone says we’d make a good couple.” (Please note, I know this is not the exact dialogue. I think mine is better, to be frank.)
I’m gonna go ahead and say now that having your best friend who has feelings for you serve as your chief of staff seems like a massive conflict of interest and liability. But what do I know!
Antonio calls Kevin in to be like, “you’re not being fair to Lady Margaret, and you’re holding her back.” I’m now predicting Antonio ends up with Fiona. But Kevin is a G, and he’s not falling for this sh*t at all. He’s like, “if that’s how she felt she’d tell me herself.” BOOOOOOM.
Kevin’s daughter knows the prospect of getting Kevin and Margaret together is bleak, so she proposes Stacy and Margaret switch again so they can finally spend some alone time together without pesky things like ~her royal duties as soon-to-be queen~ getting in the way. Kevin is in on the plan, and they’re keeping Edward in the dark. This seems like an unnecessary liability for their relationship, which we already know is in a rough patch, but ok.
Over in the Bad Place, the demons are doing karaoke (seriously, they just ripped that one scene from The Good Place except they’re singing actual songs, not Nixon’s concession speech). Fiona gets the bright idea that she’s going to pretend to be Margaret long enough to be crowned queen and transfer some money over to an offshore bank account. I mean, as far as evil plans go, this one is not that bad.
Purple Haired Demon realizes a problem with this plan: Princess Margaret will obviously not go along with any of this. So that means they have to kidnap her and tie her up somewhere for a few days. Anddd this Disney movie just turned dark. Damn, Netflix, didn’t think you had it in you!
If I were Margaret and my cousin was calling me “cuzzy” and “Maggy Moo” I would order her execution immediately, just saying.
Poor Edward is being treated like such a rube, with Olivia canceling on him last minute on behalf of Stacy, who suddenly “developed a headache.” Justice for Edward, he doesn’t deserve to be left in the dark like this. Just how do you think this conversation is going to go after this whole scheme is over? “Honey, I know we’re married and supposed to trust each other, but I just needed to keep my identity theft on a need-to-know basis, and you just didn’t make the cut. Yes, an 11-year-old made the cut.” Rough.
Stacy and Margaret make each other over, and over in the Bad Place, Fiona’s minion is dying her wig dark brown, which I think is hilarious because they didn’t bother to cut it before applying the dye. A waste of time and hair dye, just saying!
With the switch in effect, Edward goes to “Margaret” (who is actually Stacy) to ask for advice about Stacy. Edward is like, “things have been weird between us because she’s always busy, and I’m basically making up sh*t to do to stay occupied while she’s busy.” I’m sorry, but one of these people is a PRINCE. And he doesn’t have sh*t to do?? “Margaret”’s sage advice? “Everything will be all right, I promise.” Well, glad we got that cleared up!
Liv distracts Edward by making him take her Christmas shopping. She tells him he’s a “helicopter person” who hovers too much. Sheesh, all I’ve seen from him in this movie so far is simple attentiveness.
And here I thought this Christmas Concert that they keep talking about was going to have like, Adele perform, from the way they hyped it up. No, it’s like a high school orchestra.
Margaret and Kevin’s date in a Christmas market is going ok, they make snowmen and use them as metaphors for their love life.
Margaret: They say love conquers all, but it’s not so straightforward, is it?
Wow. Deep thoughts, Marg. I don’t think anyone has ever taken this phrase literally. Like, with this level of intelligence this woman is going to send an Instagram couple to wage a war, and be like, “what, I thought love conquers all!” Nobody tell her that they say love is a battlefield. Or that love is all you need.
So Kevin’s whole thing boils down to: he wants to “be spontaneous”. Eye roll, spoken like a true man. Just say you want to be able to cheat. He doesn’t want to do the whole royal thing, and Margaret is obviously not going to pass up her one shot to be Queen.
Kevin says he doesn’t want to hold Margaret back, and he says that maybe she’s better off with Antonio.
Margaret: Don’t you see? None of that matters. You’re the one I love, not Tony. You don’t need to be a count or a king. You just need to be… you.
I love people who write movie dialogue, because I’ve been on this Earth for nearly three decades and not once uttered the phrase, “Don’t you see?” unless I was on standing in front of someone waving while they continued to spin around in circles looking for me.
Ok so the theme here is spontaneity, because Kevin goes, “maybe the spontaneous thing to do would be to give us a chance.” And not going to lie, his whole reason for ending things with Margaret in the first place is completely at odds with his so-called goal of spontaneity, because all he wanted was to live a quiet life as a baker. You know what would actually be spontaneous? Picking up and moving to a foreign country.
Back at the palace, the demons’ plans is in full effect, with Mindy (the purple-haired one) spilling a drink on Stacy (who they think is Margaret) so she can get her to the bathroom, where Fiona KNOCKS HER OUT WITH A CHOLOROFORM RAG and they drag her through an alley into a waiting car. Okay, we just went from zero to Criminal Minds episode real quick.
Oh, so this is fun. Fiona doesn’t know they switched places, so they grabbed the wrong Margaret. Margaret confesses that she and Kevin are in love again.
Ok I’m actually confused with this bit where Fiona (pretending to be Margaret, to Margaret) is like, “well what about Edward? I won’t let you cheat on him”. And Real Margaret like, buys it? This disregards the fact that even though Margaret is currently dressed up as Stacy, she is still very much Margaret. I’m super confused so I’ll just leave this here:
Fake Margaret insists “Stacy” (Real Margaret) leave, so she does. I’m confused, does Fiona not know that the person she’s talking to is actually Margaret? Because she just figured out they switched places. So… why is she thinking she can get away with ordering her around? And why does it work? YOU’RE THE ACTUAL QUEEN.
Realizing her two cronies kidnapped the wrong Margaret, they come up with a new plan: move up the coronation so they can transfer the money and GTFO faster. Again, not terrible.
Stacy goes to Edward immediately like, “there’s something I need to tell you”, but he’s like, “me first” and apologizes for helicoptering. But ok, did you not notice that she said that with her Montenaro accent? Ok, he did notice (though not as quickly as I did)—and here is where, like I said, their decision to keep Edward in the dark comes back to bite them in the ass.
At that moment, Mrs. Donatelli storms in to say she’s been fired. And now we have a real pickle on our hands, because we have two Lady Margarets and no way to tell who’s who. If only we could test them by having them recite the Krabby Patty secret recipe.
Kevin comes in to talk to Fiona who is posing as Margaret, and she tells Kevin and Olivia to go home. Kevin is like, “do you really mean it? Because if you do, I’m not coming back. Ever.”
Meanwhile Stacy is still locked in the basement, but these idiots didn’t realize that she has window access.
Kevin and Olivia pack it up, but who’s the cab driver taking them to the airport? THE ELF MAN FROM PRINCESS SWITCH 1!!! Thank god, all hope isn’t lost!
It’s actually hilarious that Prince Edward, Margaret, and Mrs. Donatelli have to go full Da Vinci Code to figure out who’s upstairs pretending to be Margaret when it’s like… WHO ELSE HAS YOUR SAME EXACT FACE?? That’s your answer! The pool of potential suspects cannot be that big!
So Antonio has some redeeming qualities, because he immediately notices that “Margaret” is actually Fiona. This dumbass has a tattoo on her pinky, but Antonio is like, “you should take greater care to cover it up.” Don’t tell her, because then that’s exactly what she’ll do! You idiot.
Ohhhh I see why he did that now, because Antonio gives her two options: give him a piece of the money, or he’ll expose her. I knew these two would end up together.
Damn, this movie has turned into a true crime movie, with Antonio talking about setting up fake charities and shell companies to deposit money into.
Stacy executes a scheme to bust out of the basement, and OH MY GOD THIS GIRL IS SO SLOW RACING UP STAIRS! I know they’re going for dramatic effect and suspense, but a tourist in Times Square could beat this bitch at the speed she’s going.
But she escapes, and Prince Edward delivers a one-two punch that knocks Reggie out. Prince Edward, more like Prince Ali, amirite?
Stacy and Edward make up because nothing gets the romance juices flowing like a K.O. jab.
Sidenote: I love that everyone in this movie pronounces schedule like “shed-yule” to prove they are, in fact, royal.
The coronation is underway, and this bitch Fiona is already f*cking it up because she can’t remember her own names. This isn’t like Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi, these names are just Margaret Katherine Claire. That should be easy to remember long enough to parrot back! You don’t even deserve the throne.
Just as she finally gets her name on the third try, in storms the real Margaret with Stacy. Fiona doesn’t even put up a fight or try for this. She really doesn’t deserve it.
Margaret, halfheartedly: Stop. Don’t.
Everyone else: …
Fiona: Oh ok, I confess. You got me.
Like, girl, what?! This is where you pull out your Hail Mary, some dramatic maneuver that still doesn’t work but at least has some flair! You’re really not cut out for a life of scamming if you give up so easily. Fiona does pin the scheme on Antonio, which is maybe the one good thing she’s done this whole movie.
Back in charge, Margaret commands the guards arrest Antonio and take him to the dungeon. Weird that in 2020 this castle has a dungeon that is in use.
LMAO @ Fiona being like, “well technically I didn’t kidnap Margaret, so am I really guilty?”
Stacy and Margaret:
Fiona: But it’s Christmas!
Right, I forgot Christmas is like The Purge, and there’s no such thing as crime. I’m going to remember to break all the laws on Christmas only.
LMAO even harder that Fiona decides to launch into a speech about how her parents never cared about her as much as they care about Margaret, and that she really just wants to be half as accomplished as her cousin. Flattery isn’t going to work here, sister!
Fiona’s like “I behaved abominably and I’m sorry. You’re the only family I truly have.” And Margaret is like, “Oh, ok, I guess I could ask the judge for a reduced sentence.” Seriously? That’s all it takes?! One half-assed apology? This fake country is a joke.
That only leaves one loose end: Kevin.
Kind Elf drops Kevin and Olivia off at the airport (that looks like a mall, not at all like an airport, FWIW). I thought he was supposed to help thwart their escape?? What is he even good for? They’re rushing to make their flight, Margaret is rushing to catch him before they get on the plane, you know the drill.
For a pretty complex scheme, Kevin seems to understand right away what happened. “Oh right, you switched places, your evil cousin Fiona tried to take your place, that was the Margaret who sent me away, not the one standing in front of me. Got it.” Sure, just another day in the life of this woman with the most common face in the world.
They’re both like “I can’t imagine my life without you” (vomit) and Margaret proposes to Kevin. Kevin’s like “LOL that’s so funny! I was gonna ask you last summer!”
They both say yes and kiss and the entire airport claps. And then I found $100!
Margaret spots a priest grabbing a cup of coffee in the terminal and is like, “why don’t we make this official right now?” Dude is trying to get home to see his family, not do work. Leave the man alone.
Continuing with the “spontaneity” theme, they decide to do this shotgun wedding and wing their vows. Ok I see what we’re doing here. A little bit beating me over the head with it, but I get it.
Ok what kind of whack-ass vows are these? “Dearest Kevin, I wish I could promise you the world, but the world’s not mine to give.” Ok but you’re the Queen of a WHOLE ENTIRE COUNTRY, that’s a lot more than most of us can promise to give. Feels like splitting hairs, honestly. Also Kevin’s whole problem was not wanting to be the figurehead of a whole country, so that seems like a moot point to bring up… but ok, you’re right, I’ve way overanalyzed these dumb vows.
The priest is like, “I don’t suppose you have a ring?” And Kevin is like, “It just so happens, I’ve been carrying around this ring that I bought last summer this whole time!” Some people can’t even hold onto their phones for that long.
And with that, the priest has to run to catch his flight. Like, you can’t charter this man a private jet as a thank-you? So ungrateful.
Anyway, it’s coronation time, and I gotta say, the Prime Minister has some nerve showing her face after she almost facilitated a fake coronation. But Margaret gets crowned, everyone is happy, hooray, the end.
And that’s all she wrote! Overall, this was a fun one, and I’m glad they didn’t drag it out any longer than it needed to be, but we really need villains with gumption for the third movie. If you’re just going to give up on your scheme after the first try, then don’t bother scheming at all. What a halfhearted villain. That said, I could see her going quietly into the night as a ruse, and the setup for Princess Switch 3. The only question will be how they would come up with a way to bring a fourth Margaret into the mix, and at what point they realize that having a ruler with an unknown number of body doubles could present a threat to national security.
Images: Courtesy of Netflix; Giphy
It’s officially after Thanksgiving, which means that, like it or not, Christian or not, we are now in full-on Christmas mode. So I decided I would lean into the holiday spirit this year and watch one of the hundreds of Christmas movies Netflix has pumped out this holiday season. There were so many to choose from, but I decided to go with The Princess Switch. Why? Because I wanted to see what Vanessa Hudgens has been up to, and I always find it funny when actors play their own twins in movies, as if we don’t have eyes. So without further ado, let’s get into my honest and not-at-all-salty The Princess Switch recap.
The movie opens in Chicago (I thought it was New York, tbh, but later found out the entire movie—including the Chicago scenes—was actually filmed in Romania), and we see Vanessa Hudgens working at a bakery, that she presumably owns. Isn’t she a little young? Meh, whatever. Vanssa has a hot sous chef, and I didn’t realize bakeries had sous chefs, so I’ve already learned two things less than one and a half minutes into this movie. An hour and 41 minutes well spent.
Hot Sous Chef has a daughter (zaddy), and Vanessa is her godmother. There’s apparently some big Christmas baking show in a place called Belgravia (is that like, the sister country to Genovia?) that Vanessa Hudgens has been wanting to enter in forever, but never did, presumably because she never thought she was good enough, or never had enough time. Just Christmas movie things! For once, I’d like to see the lead in a Christmas movie have high self-esteem and enjoy hoeing.
However, back to this baking contest. Now, this is not any cookie making contest. This is a ROYAL baking contest, with a formal invitation and everything. Enclosed with the invitation is a photo of a hot prince. You don’t need to have eyes to see where this is going.
Vanessa is like “We can’t close the bakery right before Christmas!” and Hot Sous Chef is like “B*tch you haven’t done sh*t since your last boyfriend dumped you, it’s time to live a little.” This will be a recurring theme throughout the movie.
Vanessa exits the store and gives what appears to be a Salvation Army man some money, at which point they have an entire conversation about how she wishes she had someone to spend Christmas with (thirstyyyy). He says “Christmas wishes have been known to come true.” And that’s how I know some fantastical sh*t is going down in this movie—I don’t even talk to my own therapist this intimately. This girl opened up about her innermost thoughts to a random dude collecting charity money? K.
Vanessa then runs right into her ex, some dude named Paul. Right as he says he’s been thinking about her (lie), some girl comes up, makes out with him on the street, and they do the whole “Who are you?” “I’m Stacey , I’m sure Paul has mentioned me” thing. The gf is like:
Way harsh, Paul.
Vanessa basically decides to go to Belgravia out of spite, just to one-up Paul and his new gf, who are meeting Paul’s parents over Christmas. Honestly, I can relate. Why do I get the feeling that in the entire fictional 3 years Vanessa and Paul dated, she never got to meet his parents? It’s possible I’m just projecting my past traumas here. But I could be right.
She arrives in what’s basically Santa’s Village with Hot Sous Chef and his daughter, and who do you know is there? Salvation Army guy! He explains there’s a royal wedding about to happen. And here I am, watching movies to escape royal wedding bullsh*t. I will never escape Meghan Markle, even in fictional kingdoms. This is my life now.
Salvation Army guy says to Vanessa, totally out of context, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” He’s now the second person to use this cliche so far in this movie. Oh boy, I sense a moral coming on.
Okay so at the place where the contest is being held, some redhead named Brianna Michael comes up to Vanessa, and we learn 3 things: 1) she’s a b*tch. 2) she’s Vanessa’s mortal enemy. 3) she probably slept her way through cooking school. Is slut-shaming really in the Christmas spirit? Brianna purposefully spills some sh*t on Vanessa, because she’s in third grade presumably, and when Vanessa goes to clean up, she literally bumps right into….
HER TWIN. Aka Lady Margaret Delacourt, one half of the couple getting married during the aforementioned royal wedding. For someone claiming to be from a fictional land called “Montenaro”, she’s speaking with a weird British accent. Vanessa Hudgens is no Lindsay Lohan, I’ll say that. But seriously, it’s like Vanessa Hudgens studied Lindsay Lohan’s British accent as her barometer for what constitutes a good British accent.
Lady Delacourt asks Stacey (I can’t keep using Vanessa because now there are two) for her help with her wedding cake. Sure, totally normal to ask of someone you’ve known for 10 seconds. Don’t you have royal bakers for this??
Stacey runs off, and Hot Sous Chef’s kid is all, “I wish you and Stacey were dating.” Hot Sous Chef is all, “nah, she’s just a friend.”
Okay so this wedding cake meeting is actually a ruse. Lady Delacourt doesn’t need help with her cake, but what she does want is to switch places with Stacey for two days. So this is really a Parent Trap/Lizzie McGuire situation. What could go wrong? Umm, the baking contest for one?? Ugh, these two are gonna “switch back at midnight” the night before the competition. Why do you have to go all Cinderella with this sh*t? Why can’t you just switch at like, 5pm, like work shifts?
British Vanessa: So you’ll do it?
American Vanessa: Well, why not? Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans!
F*cking kill me with this sh*t.
So now we’re treated to a makeover and royal lesson montage. Let me just say, British Vanessa is no Julie Andrews, and whoever gave her this sh*tty lob is no Paolo.
While all this is happening, there’s some random red headed lady creepily watching in the corner. Is she like, an aide? TBD.
The Prince or whoever shows up, so the real British Vanessa hides behind a couch. It goes about as well as you’d expect. Honestly this whole movie is a lot of “don’t look over there while I dramatically gesture and keep glancing in the exact place I don’t want you to look!”
Real British Vanessa sets off to sight-see with Hot Sous Chef and his daughter, while Fake British Vanessa goes off to attend meetings. Gotta say, this feels like the worst trade deal in history, possibly ever.
Okay so the redheaded aide has basically been looking after The Duchess since she was a child. She seems weirdly invested in this plan, though. Like, why are you so down with a random woman impersonating your boss for a few days? Am I alone in this?
Once alone, American Vanessa immediately goes to the Duchess’s closet to try on her fancy hats, as ya do. The Prince shows up and quotes The Little Prince, you know that book you read in middle school French class? And American Vanessa acts like he just wrote her a personalized poem. It’s a very famous book! That’s not impressive! Also, there are way better quotes from The Little Prince! I would know—I almost got one tattooed on me, before realizing my dad is disappointed me enough as it is already and I didn’t need to add another reason. Moving on.
Vanessa shows up to breakfast with the King and Queen in the same outfit as the day before. Aren’t there some royal rules about this? And…surprise!!! The Prince canceled his meeting with Spain to spend more time with his fiancée. This means they’re going horseback riding ($10 say American Vanessa has never ridden a horse). Meanwhile, King What’s His Name has noticed the Duchess has been acting weird and tells one of his butlers or someone, who just looks evil, to keep an eye on her. Dramaaaa!
The horseback riding, predictably, goes horribly. The Prince at one point wipes something away from Vanessa’s eye, and she practically jumps his bones right then and there. I mean, like, damn I haven’t had sex in 357 days, but even I wouldn’t orgasm at a guy wiping away an eyelash. Then Vanessa decides to go all Women’s March on the Prince when he suggests she plan their wedding instead of getting involved in international politics. Like, number one, isn’t the wedding in a week? What’s left to plan? Number two, should you really be like, f*cking up international relations when you’re supposed to be out of the picture a day from now? I’m all for women getting involved in politics, but this does not seem like the time or place.
British Vanessa, Hot Sous Chef, and the daughter go to paint ornaments or some sh*t, when Salvation Army dude walks up to be like, “Hey, Hot Sous Chef, you should date Vanessa.” Sounding like my dad on Thanksgiving. Mind your own business, old man!
Back at the palace, the Prince apologizes to Vanessa for being an ass. He’s like, “you’re gonna be my wife, if you have political opinions I want to know them.” And just like that, we brought about gender equality! Good work, everybody. Let’s pack it in.
No seriously, can we pack it in? I’m already regretting committing to this movie. It’s why I don’t usually watch movies—I have commitment issues.
Vanessa and the prince go to some charity ball, and this hoe is SMITTEN. Like, what? You don’t even know this dude! Don’t go all Meghan Markle on me and give up your whole life and career for a dude you don’t even know. That’s not what Christmas is about!
Immediately upon arriving at the charity ball, Vanessa grills the King and Queen about the details of the homeless shelter this charity is supposedly for. SMH, she has no manners. But also, the King and Queen being like “we don’t concern ourselves with the details of the charities we donate to” is very #richpeoplethings. In retaliation, the king and queen are like “Hey aren’t you an awesome piano player? Go play something for us!” LOL and that’s why you don’t shade the king and queen. The Prince bails her ass out and they do a duet, and everybody claps and nobody notices he just had to teach her how to play two chords. TWO.
The Prince goes looking for the Duchess, and who does he run into? Salvation Army man and his meddling ass, telling him they make a good couple. The Prince finds Vanessa in the gazebo, where they proceed to dance. Christ, it’s like they took the most cliche part of every existing holiday movie and just shoddily sewed it together.
I’ve just been alerted that Hot Sous Chef’s name is Kevin, and he is a hottie WITH. A. BODY. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to be stalking his Instagram and sliding into his DMs. His name is Nick Sagar and his handle is @nickdsagar. That is my charitable contribution for the year. You’re welcome.
I’m skipping a lot in the middle because it’s just dumb sh*t. American Vanessa (while pretending to be British Vanessa) gets way too excited to bake cookies for some orphans, and this is apparently a huge royal scandal. You’re not supposed to actually care about the peasants, you’re only supposed to pretend to care! Then she and Real British Vanessa almost run into each other at a toy store. They narrowly miss each other because British Vanessa pretends to drop an earring, and the redheaded aide fakes the worst fainting spell I’ve ever seen.
Legit worse than this:
Ugh, now the orphans are singing “We Wish You A Merry Christmas”. Jesus Christ. Everyone is acting so shocked that the Duchess would dare give a sh*t about some poor orphans she doesn’t know, calling it “undignified”. Like damn, how savage is the royal family normally that you can’t bother to care about CHILDREN?
For the second time this movie, the Prince and Duchess are standing under mistletoe. I think the best part about this is how someone always has to point it out. They’re like “excuse me, I don’t mean to bother you, but you’re standing under the mistletoe.” Like this is some national f*cking emergency and not a made-up Christmas tradition.
Kevin’s daughter says to the real Duchess, “I wish you could stay.” Damn, that’s cold! Stacey’s known you your whole life, she’s your GODMOTHER, and you’re just gonna sell her out like that? Smh, these kids ain’t loyal.
While Fake American Vanessa and Kevin watch A Christmas Prince (lol nice job Netflix, I see what you did there), the Prince gives the other Vanessa his family crest. It’s supposed to be meaningful or whatever; to me it kind of reads like when Pete Davidson gave Ariana Grande his dad’s pendant. Meanwhile, Kevin gives his Vanessa a picture of him, his daughter, Vanessa, and Santa in a locket. Kevin puts the necklace on her and SHOOTS HIS SHOT. He confesses his love to Vanessa, and oh god, this is going to get messy when the real Vanessa comes back and isn’t into him at all.
So both Vanessas meet up to make the switch back, and they both gush about their respective dudes. Okay but really, how in love with someone can you be after three days?? I know this is a movie and all, but come tf on. I can’t with this. Y’all can just go back to your lives as normal and find other dudes to date because YOU DO NOT FALL PERMANENTLY IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE AFTER TWO DAYS!! This isn’t How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. Actually, lol, it’s worse.
Also are we not gonna talk about how Vanessa and Kevin’s kid legit ripped off the handshake from The Parent Trap? Plagiarism!
Oh yeah while all this is going on, creepy butler dude took a few pictures of both Vanessas together and then tries to bring it to the king to like, blackmail them I guess.
So when the real Duchess gets back, she’s hemming and hawing about having to go back to her old royal life and she’s like “ugh I don’t wanna marry this guy but it’s my duty.” The redheaded aid gives her that sh*tty crest thing that legit has rhinestones all over it.
Aid: What does it say?
Duchess: Honor. Nobility. Loyalty. (Or whatever the f*ck.)
Aid: But notice how it doesn’t say duty? See what I did there??
OHhHHH snap, y’all are idiots. What’s your long-term plan? Having this b*tch fake an accent for the REST OF HER LIFE?
Meanwhile the baking competition started, and this sh*t ain’t no Great British Baking Show, I’ll just say that much.
So the queen finds out about our Parent Trap situation and sets Margaret tf up. She’s like “Hey Margaret, why don’t you go to the baking competition where your twin will definitely be?” The Queen is a messy b*tch who lives for drama, and I am HERE FOR IT.
At the baking competition, Brianna (the evil redhead, not the aide) has cut Stacey’s mixing line, meaning she has to do all the mixing by hand. And suddenly, we’re in an episode of Cutthroat Kitchen in this b*tch. Also like, wtf is up with the security in this so-called “royal” baking competition? Like nobody noticed that this girl’s station has been sabotaged? Can she not get another mixer? I’m sorry, I’m going to need Noel and Sandi to come out and explain the parameters of this contest before moving forward.
Also, you’re putting a raspberry filling in your holiday cake? RASPBERRY?? Paul and Prue would not be down with this. That’s not a holiday flavor. You’re not gonna give me like, gingerbread? Nutmeg? Allspice? What is this???
In any case, Brianna comes in second place, and our girl Stacey obviously wins, inappropriate filling or not. And here we go, the Prince and Duchess are going to present the award. Uh oh. Here we go. All of Belgravia is shooketh, and Kevin does the worst surprise face I’ve ever seen. But he’s pretty, so I’ll allow it.
Nobody else is concerned, and somehow it’s chill for them all to go backstage to be like “lol ya we switched places, isn’t it funny?”
Margaret is like “but, there’s more”.
Me: SHE’S PREGNANT!
Lol sadly no, Margaret is like “we should actually switch places permanently.” And wtf, how is Kevin gonna legit swap out the girl he’s been in love with for his whole life for her lookalike? He’s no Drake, Drake said if his girl had a twin he would still choose her. THESE HOES AIN’T LOYAL!!!!
This is legit such trash. All the dudes were like “lol k, sounds good.” FINALLY real American Vanessa has the common sense to be like “yeah I can’t just f*ck up three people’s lives because we had a good kiss the other night.”
Me:
Oh and here we have this b*tch being like “loving me isn’t according to plan”. Ok so who’s gonna be the one to say “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”? Do I say it??? What a missed opportunity. Stacey is like to the prince, “I’ve loved you more than I’ve loved anyone my whole life.” Wow, how does Paul, her ex of THREE YEARS, factor into this? Nobody is f*cking loyal in this movie.
L-O-FREAKIN-LLLL the prince gets down on one knee to…. Ask Stacey if she would marry him in a year if she still loves him. What kind of Jonas Brother promise ring B.S. is this? And everyone in the crowd is like “lol, amazing!” and breaks into applause. But like, what? Y’all haven’t even been briefed on the situation. Even snotty redhead is begrudgingly clapping. I guess it’s the power of true love??
Cut to, presumably the next year at Christmas, where Edward (that is the Prince’s name, took me all movie to get it right) and Stacey are married. Kevin and Margaret are still together. A random little girl (I think she was one of the orphans, how tf did she score a coveted wedding invite?) runs up to be like, “you’re a real princess now, aren’t you?” and Stacey is like “I guess Christmas wishes do come true.” I’ve got to ask, what is it about Christmas in particular that supposedly makes wishes come true? Does this work for other holidays? Can I be making Passover wishes? Just asking.
Stacey throws the bouquet, and I don’t even need to tell y’all who caught it. You don’t need to be psychic to figure it out. Goodbye. I’m f*ckin out of here. Kevin, call me.
After Kevin is like “hold onto that bouquet, you might need it on New Year’s” (hasn’t anyone told him not to basically propose at someone else’s wedding??) there’s a montage of everyone giving each other the thumbs up (why?), and American Vanessa Hudgens giggling crazily at her prince.
Andddd that’s it! Thanks for reading, if you made it this far. Let me know if you want a recap of other Christmas movies, or other movies in general, and I’ll try to get over my commitment issues. Happy holidays!
Images: Netflix; Giphy (6)
