The Floor Is Extreme Stupidity: ‘Pretty Little Liars’ Recap

Another week of Pretty Little Liars is underway, which means I’ve wasted another hour of my life watching Rosewood’s Most Wanted fuck up their lives in heinous outerwear. Luckily I’ve been working on having more patience there’s tequila and I’m three margs deep so this should be fun. Let’s do this thing, shall we?

The episode opens with Detective Tanner who has a huge vendetta lesbian crush on the Liars and is thiiiiis close to getting arrest warrants for their shady asses. She’s giddy with the prospect but, like, I’ve seen this plot line before so I won’t hold my breath.

The camera pans over the chicest mugshots I’ve ever fucking seen and I’m wondering how all of these girls have mugshots AND college degrees? Like, I got one underage drinking ticket in college and everyone was all “kiss your future goodbye,” and yet these bitches get charged with murder every year of their high school careers and no one says shit. *sips margarita*

Pretty Little Liars Mug Shots

Anyway, Aria is still on the side of the road trying to figure out wtf to do with the dead body that’s in her trunk. A cop pulls over because of course one does and Aria has zero fucking chill about it. Jesus. Aria, you’ve been doing this shit since you had your learner’s permit, YOU KNOW THE DRILL.

Rosewood PD: You look like you might need some help with that trunk?

Aria:

But don’t worry, Aria, because lucky for you the WORST COP IN ROSEWOOD pulled over to help you. Seriously, I’ve seen a lot of shitty police work on this show but this is a whole new level of incompetence. Like, there is a dead fucking body in that squirrelly white girl’s trunk. Aria can see it, you can see it, the viewers 14-year-olds back home can see it, and all you have to say is have a nice day??

Elsewhere, Caleb reveals that Mona is probs AD but the Liars are not even remotely fazed by this information. Hanna looks bored AF—seriously, her facial expression has not changed in, like, the last five episodes. Her resting bitch face is on point though.

Even Ali, who used to be full of vicious comments and psychologically damaging comebacks has dick to say about this new development with Loser Mona. Pregnancy changed her.

Seriously, what I wouldn’t give for season one Alison rn. #neverforget

Spencer wants to confront Mona but I’m having trouble focusing because wtf is Spencer wearing on her body rn? Is that a men’s blazer? The top half of a uniform for a very sad cruise ship line? Either way that blazer should be burned.

Aria still can’t sit with anyone and Ezra is v upset about it. Which is weird because I forgot Ezra was an actual character on this show and not just a fine piece of hipster ass? Though, he is bringing up some amazing points rn about how all of the Liars are shady, backstabbing bitches, but they forgive each other in the end.

Ezra:

Meanwhile, Aria is doing really great without her friends. She’s currently arguing with the dead body in her trunk. Casual. Did she finally try bath salts as a weight loss method? She looks great, so maybe.

Back at Mona’s apartment it’s clear that Mona is being emotionally tortured, though it’s unclear if it’s by AD or that fugly-ass barrette she’s wearing.

Andddd Mona lost the game. AGAIN. Seriously, why can no one keep track of this fucking game? It has an IPHONE attached to it with like GPS tracking and shit.

AD wants Mona to meet her for pie and Mona looks anguished about it. Like, please chill. Do you know what kind of dates I’ve been asked on recently? Pie sounds fucking delightful compared to my prospects. Show some gratitude, would you. 

Mary Drake gives Spencer the deed to her shitty hotel to make up for the fact that she was in a mental institution while Spencer was growing up and also bail money. So sweet!

Back in lesbian la la land, Ali and Emily are freaking the fuck out about their future. Ali’s making a lot of valid points rn, for example:

Ali: We’re going to jail and our child will be put in foster care and grow up to be a murderous psychopath.

I mean, it could be that or also be those genetics you’re passing along to it? Idk.

Seriously can’t wait to see how this kid turns out.

Anddd we’re back to Aria. Because she is very dumb and very hungry she tries to turn herself in for the murder of Archer Dunhill. She’s hoping for a Snickers bar if she pleads guilty. But THANK GOD for Ezra and his exceptional stalking abilities because he stops her before she can eat something turn herself in.

Ezra: Wtf are you doing??

Aria: I’m taking the fall for murder so my friends will let me sit with them again.

Ezra:

Seriously, you know shit has hit the fan when Ezra, the man who started a sexual relationship with his 16-year-old student, is the only one making any sense. It’s unsettling.

Caleb, Hanna, and Spencer decide to crash Mona’s pie date. Mona is acting shady AF when Caleb confronts her; she’s not even eating that perfectly good piece of pie in front of her. Is she on the bath salts diet too??

Mona’s rambling about not being in control and being manipulated and blah, blah, blah. She’s not AD because obviously we still have one more week of this bullshit.

Okay, HOW many trap doors are in Rosewood? Seriously, I’d like to speak to the city planner and ask him why Rosewood’s city layout resembles the Hogwarts castle. Like, you need the marauder’s map to get around this shit.

Me trying to figure out Rosewood’s city layout:

Hanna wants to go after Mona and Caleb is just like “no, it’s too dangerous, I won’t let you.” Spencer, the girl he dated and claimed to love, volunteers in Hanna’s place and he’s just like “yeah, you’ll do.”

Hanna is v trusting to leave her man alone with Spencer. Like, I know you’re married and all but Spencer and her platinum vagine are safe from NO ONE.

Meanwhile, Ezra and Aria are still fucking arguing. Ezra literally cannot believe he’s going to marry someone with the deductive reasoning skills of a goldfish. And, like, same. You can do so much better, Ezra. There are so many other underage girls fish in the sea!

Aria: We need to deal with the dead body in my trunk.

Ezra: Babe, I’ve got this.

Aria:

Ezra: *offended* I have a masters degree in American Literature, I can handle anything.

LOLLLLLLL, Ezra. Like that doesn’t even make you qualified to work at Taco Bell, much less dispose of a dead body. Get outta here.

Surprise, surprise, the body is missing. Jesus Christ. These girls lose dead bodies faster than I lose Bumble dates sooo that’s a pretty rapid fucking pace.

Meanwhile, in the underground tunnels of Rosewood’s women’s restrooms, Caleb tells Spencer he’s married and Spencer is just like:

She’s taking it well.

Ali and Emily, riddled with guilt and uncertainty, promptly fall asleep after their discussion of what will happen to their child if they go to jail. They wake up and the fucking game is in their apartment, taunting them with Alison video throwbacks.

Alison looks terrified, and is it just me or does Emily look kinda turned on by it? This relationship seems healthy. Luckily Ezra and Aria bust up this scene before Emily can distract Ali with her vagina again. Blessings.

Alison apologies to Aria for being such a bitch and is just like “we’re sorry we turned on you the second our friendship was tested even the littlest bit.”

Ezra takes in this little kumbaya moment and internally screams. He’s wishing he met literally any other girl high school sophomore in that bar that night.

Loser Mona is back and are we FINALLY going to figure out who murdered Charlotte?? It’s been two seasons and in that time span I’ve moved apartments 4 times and watched everyone I know and love get engaged around me, but, like, please tell me more.

HOLY SHIT. Mona killed Charlotte and I have never wanted to be friends with her more.

They bring Mona back to Spencer’s newly acquired hotel and Ali is just like “ew, why is she dressed like that.” It’s a valid concern.

Spencer goes into this passive-aggressive rant about how Mona’s change in appearance is a coping mechanism for all of the stress she’s under so she’s reverting back to a time when she felt safe in Alison’s verbally abusive embrace.

Tbh, Spenc, I’m pretty sure Alison was talking to you and that fucking lesbian blazer. I can’t.

The Liars finally assemble the world’s easiest puzzle and not only can the game walk and talk and frame them for murder but it also uses augmented reality! I stand by my original theory that Steve Jobs is AD.

AD tells them the exact location of Dunhill’s body and the Liars think the smartest course of action is to go there and dig it up.

Me:

Completely out of nowhere Aria grows a brain and is like “uh guys, maybe let’s not dig up a dead body and further incriminate ourselves? Idk?”

Liars: *crickets*

But they listen to Aria because they’re having a bad hair day and they def can’t get new mugshots if they’re caught tonight. Same, girls.

And, once again, the Liars are all back at the Plastic’s table precinct and things are looking pretty fucking bleak for them. They’re just like “so this is it.” After 7 seasons and one million murders they’re finally getting what’s coming to them. Thank you, Jesus.

BUT WAIT Mary Drake takes the fall for them. And Detective Tanner is PISSED. She’s been bested by five millennials with shitty hair extensions (looking at you, Hanna) and wearing clashing prints (cough, cough, ARIA).

Detective Tanner looks like she would rather walk into oncoming traffic than let these bitches go, but apparently her captain doesn’t like “loose ends” or “crazy theories,” so they’re cleared of all charges.

And I can sympathize because I, too, am fucking tired of the loose ends and crazy theories, Marlene King.

The episode ends and these girls have been cleared of not one but TWO murder charges, and meanwhile the barista at Starbucks fucked up my will to live coffee order this morning. Where is the justice? WHERE?

Whatever. I can’t wait for next week’s episode where I’m sure Spencer, once again, will assault my eyes with her outfit choices. Should be a blast.

Aria Officially Can’t Sit With Us: ‘Pretty Little Liars’ Recap

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m not Betch Waldorf. But I am loyal viewer of Pretty Little Liars if only because the limit to the Liars’ stupidity does not exist. Though it does give me hope that if I’m pretty enough and skinny enough I, too, can evade multiple murder charges. That being said, I’m pleased to finally use my useless knowledge of a tween TV show for something, since none of my friends will discuss it with me anymore now that they’ve hit puberty.

Anyway, I’ll skip the pleasantries and get right to the good shit. Last week Aria officially joined AD’s team, Mona looked sketchy AF, and Caleb and Hanna fornicated in the woods got engaged. Now that the scene’s set let’s talk about this week’s episode or, rather, another Tuesday that I spent suspending reality for Marlene King’s financial gain:

AT ALI’S HOUSE

Well isn’t this fucking cozy. Emily’s like “you look so beautiful in the morning” and Alison’s just like “I know Em, you have a big lesbian crush on me.” We all know, Em.

Emily’s trying to get laid even though Alison, the “pregnant one” (I call bullshit. I’ve used that line before too, Alison!), just fell down a flight of stairs five minutes ago. Like, Emily, she does not need the healing power of your vagina; she needs actual medical attention.

THANK GOD this shit gets broken up by the cops. I get uncomfortable in the presence of happiness. Rosewood PD looks like they might actually be doing their jobs for once because they show up at Aria’s house too. Weird.

Anddd the Liars lost the fucking game again. It’s like, no wonder you have enemies everywhere. You’re constantly losing other people’s shit and lying about it. This would get you off the Christmas card list in my mother’s house.

AT ROSEWOOD PD

Spencer is coming in hot to the police station. No, seriously. She looks v hot. She definitely thinks she can she can get the upper hand on this whole search warrant thing if only she can get five minutes alone with Hot Cop. It’s a solid plan.

Spencer: Where is Hot Cop? No reason, just wondering?

New Girl

New Detective: 

Not In My House

The look on Spencer’s face when she realizes she can’t sleep her way out of this one is priceless.

Oh shit it looks like Detective Hot Cop recused himself from the case. Finally someone with fucking morals is on this show. It’s getting more and more evident that the Liars can’t just, like, lie or murder someone or get one of their mothers to sleep with the lead detective on the case to get out of criminal charges. Bummer.

Spencer, at a total loss of words, exits the conversation with a comeback a preteen would use when their mom won’t extend their data plan: “I’d say it’s nice to meet you but under the circumstances…”

The New Detective is unfazed. She’s just like “I’m a closer, Spencer. I close people.” Spencer is five seconds away from adding New Detective to her burn book aka how I handle unpleasant confrontations as well.

Meanwhile, shit just got real for Aria because the police are in her house and thiiis close to discovering Mr. Fitz and Aria weren’t just “friends” in high school. I think your cover’s been blown on that one for a while now. You forget this is Rosewood, Aria, no one sleeps with anyone unless they’re below the legal age limit.

Aria finds a cell phone in an air vent because of fucking course that’s the one place Rosewood PD wouldn’t search DURING THEIR SEARCH WARRANT. Just when I was starting to have some respect for them, too. Seriously, though AD needs to take her talents elsewhere. She’s too good to be torturing morons in Pennsylvania.

IN THE FANCIEST HOTEL SUITE IN ROSEWOOD

The Liars are gathered in the fanciest hotel suite in Rosewood trying to figure out why the fuck the police are actually doing their jobs. Everyone is looking at Spencer like “we thought you slept with Hot Cop took care of this.”

Spencer pretends like she didn’t fail at being a secret hoe and hands out ancient artifacts flip phones. And Hanna can not go five fucking seconds without complaining about the shitty replacement phone and how annoying it is that her old one is being used as evidence in a murder trial. Hanna is me.

Meanwhile, Emily is just like “I SLEPT WITH ALISON.”

Alison:

Even pregnant Alison is still the biggest fuckboy in the room. Respect.

Hanna finds another cell phone from AD in their room service (seriously they have room service?? Wtf they are the most blessed murder suspects ever). No one makes a comment about Hefty Hanna finding something in the food. Seems like a missed opportunity tbh.

AD continues to make threats and honestly I’m bored. I’m on my period in the mood to watch something burn so for the love of God can something happen this episode please.

This is interesting though: AD offers them a way out, one Liar has to plead guilty so the rest can go free or else they all go to jail. They all just sit there with their thumbs up their asses until Mona shows up to set these bitches straight. Mona tries to tell them that they have a snitch in their midst and the Liars are just like:

Mona: Have you noticed how ARIA’S not here and that ARIA is always missing when shit goes down?

Liars: *crickets*

Mona: Jesus fucking Christ ARIA IS ON AD’S TEAM.

I know, Mona, it’s v frustrating when you’re the only one with brain cells in the room. Come sit on the couch, it’s better over here.

LOL Toby’s beard. Very clever, Marlene King, what a unique way to show that he’s grieving. His grief might be more convincing, though, if he weren’t eye-fucking Spencer rn.

We cut back to Aria who looks sketchy AF running into the woods for an AD errand. Aria, didn’t your mother ever tell you that nothing good happens to girls after 10pm in Rosewood?

The Liars are SHOCKED that Aria, the dumbest, skinniest girl in their squad, could possibly be smart enough to work against them. And, like, same girls. I am shook.

The Liars are losing their shit all over Aria, it’s honestly like a scene out of Animal Kingdom. Aria attempts to justify her actions by pointing out that every single one of them is a sneaky bitch too. Well played.

Aria: Spencer, do you remember that one time you kidnapped a child because A told you to? You’re not better than me.

And Spencer is confused because, no, she does not remember the child she kidnapped.

Okay, whoa. Spencer is being v judgmental rn. Like, no one’s said shit about your bangs all season so can’t you find in your heart to forgive Aria for maybe conspiring to set you up for murder?

Also, is it just me or is Spencer acting like a 15-year-old girl this entire episode?

Spencer: Aria, you’re the reason my parents are getting a divorce!

Aria: Is it that or the fact that your dad has multiple extra-marital affairs and a slew of illegitimate children?

Me watching all of this shit go down:


 

New Detective, who I just realized is not new at all but is in fact a crucial character we’ve seen before, brings all the Liars in to the principal’s office police station and tries to scare them straight. Honestly, what does she expect to happen here? They come clean? Nice try detective, but there are still two more episodes before this series wraps up. If you think they’re confessing before 8:59pm on June 27th you’re crazier than Mary Drake.

And Spencer throughout this entire shakedown looks like she could not give one single fuck. Spencer is me.

Aria is having some sort of meltdown in her car because her friends won’t let her sit with them anymore at the Plastic’s table precinct. I continue to be constantly amazed by A/AD’s technological prowess. Like HOW did she figure out a way to hijack the phone and make it impossible for Aria to hang up?? And also where can I get one of those? Asking for a friend who needs to set a fuckboy straight…

Tbh I’m starting to think AD is really Steve Jobs back from the dead. Calling it now. Seems more plausible that Steve would cryogenically freeze himself and come back to torment teenagers in PA than Ali being impregnated with Emily’s eggs. Just saying.

The Liars are back in the world’s fanciest hotel suite and they still have to figure out who to send to jail. While they’re trying to figure this out they realize every one of them has kidnapped/threatened/driven the getaway car/actually murdered someone. Seriously, someone please lock these bitches up before they hurt another potential A/AD suspect innocent bystander.

Spencer leaves to go realize some stuff. Perhaps she’ll realize she should get rid of those bangs.

She realizes herself all the way to Aria’s place. And she’s like “you’re right I did steal that kid one time. I just remembered.”

Hell is about to freeze over because Spencer is this close to saying “I’m sorry” but then the detectives bust in with all of Aria’s shit. She’s been cleared for the murder and is not a suspect anymore. Spencer is PISSED.

Ezra, in an attempt to make his character matter, calls Aria out on all her shady bullshit lately.

Ezra: Seriously, you’re acting way shadier than that one time I was hanging out with my ex-fiancée behind your back.

Aria:

Oh shit. He knew Aria tried to call him a pedophile. AND he still wants to marry her. That’s love right there.

Ezra wants to be “open and honest” with Aria now. And she’s just like, “Sure, let’s talk. But first…”

Tbh I’ve never been more proud of Aria than in this moment. It took you 50 seasons and every Tuesday since my senior year of high school but you’re finally using your vagina to your advantage acting smart. *slow claps*

Hanna and Caleb are last-minute getting married because, as Caleb reminds Hanna, they might be going to jail soon and if they get married they don’t have to testify against each other in court. Hanna looks like she might cream her pants at the suggestion because nothing says everlasting love like a built-in alibi.

Meanwhile, everyone is hooking up. I see a theme here. Hanna and Caleb. Aria and Ezra. Ali and Emily in a graveyard on the ground. And none for Gretchen Weiners Spencer. BYE.

Wait, spoke too soon. Spencer hits up Toby because his wife just died three minutes ago and now she can officially move in on Yvonne’s man. Spencer, never change.

Like, was she wearing that sexy of an outfit before? Or did she change to steal your man seduce Toby?

Okay Caleb and Hanna’s wedding is actually really cute. I’m not crying. You’re crying.

Though Marlene King will be receiving a SCATHING letter from me for throwing this scene in with a sex montage. Like, I’ve been watching this show since before I could legally drink. The least you could do is give me an actual fucking wedding scene. THE LEAST.

BACK AT ALI’S HOUSE

All the Liars swear they won’t be mad if one of them throws the others under the bus. Ali is suspiciously silent. Spencer smashes the cell phone which is probs what they should have done, like, six fucking episodes ago.

Meanwhile, Aria is back to being a dumbass and threatens AD that she’ll go to the cops. Like, WHY would you tell AD your plan?? Have you learned nothing in the last one hundred years this show has been going on? Just when I thought you had a brain. I blame this decision-making slip on the fact that she’s probably hungry AF. Her entire body mass is equivalent to one of my thighs. You’re not yourself when you’re hungry, are you Aria?

Caleb and Ezra track down the game’s signal to Mona’s place. Mona is acting extra fucking creepy this episode. And if it comes out that Mona is A AGAIN I will lose my goddamn mind.

The episode ends with Aria finding a body in the trunk of her car just as the cops show up. Lol, have fun in prison, Aria. Don’t drop the soap!

‘Pretty Little Liars’ Recap: Aria Is The Taylor Swift Of Rosewood

Onto another thrilling week of Pretty Little Liars. I mean seriously, when does this show fucking end already? I feel like at this point I’m just a dying dog praying for a fucking mercy kill. End this goddam show so I can move on with my life and onto Game of Thrones, I beg of you.

AT ROSEWOOD PD

No one knows what crawled up Rosewood PD’s ass and made them decide to become actual enforcers of the law, but it really makes me uncomfortable. Like, bring back Wilden.

Spencer is getting questioned by a detective and he’s like “do you remember the night you went to Radley?” and she’s like “oh the night I fucked your boss in an elevator? That night?”

He keeps asking her questions about that night and she just keeps screaming “I DON’T RECALL.” This cop is looking at her like, could you keep your Tourettes under control for like one fucking second. This is the route Brendan Dassey should have taken.

DETECTIVE: Is this you in the photo at the Radley


SPENCER:

I Can't Read Suddenly IDK

Meanwhile in fairy town lesboland, Emily is building a nursery for hers, Ali’s and some other dude’s baby. Ya know, typical doting parent activities. Ali tells Emily she can live in the house with her and Emily practically creams in her camo pants.

Ezra and Aria exist. Bummer, right? Ezra is trying to move along with marrying her and whatnot and asks her to take dance classes.

ARIA’S RESPONSE:

Gay

Spencer tells the Liars she got drunk and will probs get them arrested for murder. Weirdly, I’ve had similar conversations before.

The Liars freak out and eventually decide to end this illegal activity by doing another illegal activity. One door closes, another felony opens, amiright?

Hanna and Emily decide to break into Radley and get Spencer’s drunk receipt out. Emily knows the schedule because she was a shit bartender for five minutes and Hanna is just the worst daughter ever.

Ezra meets his and Aria’s book publisher to go over their upcoming press tour. Of course, all the questions are about Nicole because like, kidnapping by foreign terrorist—so hot right now. He’s like “but I’m engaged to Aria” and the publisher is like “yeah, about that. ¯_(ツ)_/¯”

Of course, Caleb can hack into the security system at the Radley. Why has no one suspected him of literally anything? He has fucked half the girls in the room and literally built half this town it seems like. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

Crazy Pills

The game starts to play and tells Hanna’s fat ass to go rob a computer store. AD also texts Aria and is like “lol jk it’s your turn you doe-eyed bitch.”

Hanna doesn’t want Caleb to go to the computer store with her and he’s like “but I wannnnnnnna!” Hanna literally cannot take a shit without Caleb being right there. I’m sure Caleb can even hack into the Rosewood sewers and see that shit float lazily into the pipes.

Hanna thinks she had something to with Spencer getting blacked out and getting them investigating for murder. She’s like “I broke up her relationship and that’s why she’s getting in trouble for murder!” and it’s like okay, yeah, but you also committed the murder. Idk, that seems like the real problem to me.

Spencer goes to help Emily with the nursery and is like “I think I’m just going to fuck the detective and see if he’ll give me a break.” Emily is tells her to get over herself and Spencer is like “UH, wtf. You live in a carpet munching dreamland. Idk what I’m even talking to you for—you’re a virgin who can’t drive.”

Ezra is torn about doing the media tour and Aria’s like “omg no it’s fine, please do it!” You know something’s wrong when Aria’s selfish ass doesn’t want to talk about herself.

Spencer shows up to the detective’s shit hole of a house and is like, “oh, you’re poor as fuck.” Seriously, does this police department need to go on strike? No wonder he wants to solve this case so badly—maybe he’ll get a raise and be above the poverty line.

Help Me I'm Poor

She tries to take off her clothes and he’s like “the fuck bitch, put your cardigan back on.” She is acting weird AF, further solidifying my twin theory from last week.

She’s like “honestly, he died because he sucks.” Well, that sounds good enough to me. Case closed. Wanna go grab some pizza after this?

The detective has the weirdest boner from this vigil anti-murder thing she has going. He’s like “you can’t murder people” but also like “I’m gonna murder da pussy.”

DETECTIVE RN:

Zac Efron Meme

Spencer is like “can you stop being a cop for a second and let me get away with murder???!?” He’s like “we had sex once and now you want me to cover your murder?” I did not leave the Southside for this!

His phone rings and of course, he leaves her with all the evidence. And of course, she steals some. BECAUSE THAT IS A GOOD IDEA.

The Liars get together to watch it and see it was Lucas’ testimony the night after Charlotte’s murder. Lucas sells Hanna out and says he can’t be her alibi. He also says that she probs didn’t commit murder but her friends are fucking psychos and like, it’s not totally out of their character. All of the Liars are super offended by this, of course.

LIARS: How dare he say we kill people!?


LUCAS: Well, there was Noel. And Snaggle. And…


LIARS: I would really like to be excluded from this narrative. One that I did not ask to be a part of since 2009.

Hanna still believes that there is no way in hell Lucas is A. She goes on a tangent about how she loves her friends, and all the little birdies and the monkeys, and how they would never hurt her.

ARIA BE LIKE:

Conceited Meme

Hanna says that she has to deliver something to A at the school and Aria suggests they stake out the locker. No one knows about the locker, so mistake one.

Emily is shoving food and prenatal vitamins down Ali’s throat and Ali’s like “what the fuck climbed up your clam.” Emily goes on a rant about Ali leaving her and all this bullshit. Fuck, I hate this show.

Hanna gets instructions to drop off the hard drive at the computer store at the exact same time she is supposed to be robbing her mom’s business of evidence. Priorities, right? They decide to all split up so Hanna can complete both tasks.

Aria’s like “oh wow, huge bummer but my boyfriend has this thing to do, so I can’t come help you stop our stalker. My b!”

Mona shows up and is like “okie dokie! Time to play the game that can murder me!” like it’s a game of Candyland. Did her parents ever tell her they loved her, I mean seriously.

Hanna’s like “you can’t sit with us!” and Mona is like “I have literally saved your fucking life like 10 times, let me into the goddam group.” Hanna knows they can’t let her in because Mona wears hoop earrings and hoop earrings are Aria’s thing.

Ali and Emily are staking out the high school by literally not doing that at all. They are visibly standing in the hallway, having a full on conversation and miss the person who comes to the locker—aka their only job. They are going to be great parents. We all know which kid is going to fall into Harambe’s cage next.

They chase after “A” and then Ali gets shoved to the ground. Emily immediately shuts this shit down.

Not Up In Here

They go home early and Aria happens to be there, fucking destroying their nursery. She trips and falls like 80 times and Emily almost catches her.

Meanwhile, Ezra is at the book tour talking about how great Aria is, not knowing that she just smeared blood all over a changing table. Like, cool story Hansel.

Spencer, Emily and Ali are looking at the fucked-up nursery and they’re like, yo this is insane. Aria’s like “
hey, nice weather we’re having, huh?” Ali and Emily figure out that there has to be a second A because whoever did this knew they would be gone.

They are looking at the ground in the nursery and Spencer finds Aria’s fugly-ass earring on the ground. Just leave it there, it’s where it belongs. Spencer’s suspicious while Aria tries to play it off.

SPENCER, MONITORING ARIA:

Ryan The Office Noted

Hanna is going through receipts at the Radley but can’t find Spencer’s. They only have 10 minutes to find it, so Caleb decides to break a water pipe and fuck up all the receipts.

The detective calls Spencer and is like “give me that stupid fucking hard drive you dumb bitch” and she’s like… “hmmm well, I got it at your house late at night. Should we tell everyone we’re fucking?” Spencer is the kind of girl who pokes holes in condoms.

The Liars corner Lucas, who is freaking out in his house. He says he didn’t know Charles was Cece who was A, and honestly, I get that. I still don’t know who anyone is on this fucking show.

He’s like “We stayed friends, but only through email! I didn’t know!” Catfish, accomplice to murder edition.

Lucas feels responsible for all of this because he shit talked all of them in his emails to Charles and now he’s like, trying to kill them. And she shaved off her head and I guess now she’s addicted to crack.

He’s looking for another book where vengeance is turned into a game and they’re like “YUP there it is.” He says A took it before he can find it, because duh this isn’t amateur hour. They ask him how the book ends and he says it was never finished.

Hanna tells Lucas she believes him but asks why he is selling the factory and her company? He’s like, “well I’m broke and you’re a failure.” I paraphrase.

HANNA: What’s more important that your money?


LUCAS: You.


ME:

Vom

Lucas has been friend zoned so hard it put him in a new socio-economic level.

The Detective calls Spencer in and tells her about the flood at the Radley. He’s like, don’t worry, I’m still going to find out who the fuck did this. Time to start poking them holes, Spence.

Ali and Emily are having a romantic lesbian moment that weirdly doesn’t take place in Emily’s wet dreams. Ali tells Emily she loves her and it turns into a full on makeout scene. Ugh finally. I was getting tired of this bullshit.

While Aria starts crying, A starts finishing up the comic book while wearing leather gloves. Oh, so now A can draw too? Like really, how many skills does this person have?

‘Pretty Little Liars’ Recap: Babies, Backstabbers, And Lesbians—Oh My!

I know what you’re thinking: Wow Betch Waldorf missed the past two week’s recaps. First of all, how dare you. Second of all, I was on vacation and my replacement writer shit the bed on writing the recap. Why would you even want to read someone else’s recap? I practically invented this show, ya know?

And last week there was no episode so:

Ross Friends

But anyways, here’s the Cliffnotes version of what happened like, two fucking weeks ago:

Nicole is back and finds Aria’s/Ezra’s book. They are still engaged but want to keep it on the DL because apparently formerly kidnapped people are like, really fragile. Who knew?

Spencer’s Dad is back and will probs will only be on this show for like, another 15 minutes.

Spencer fucks the O.C. gardener. Assuming the line “do you want to mow my lawn?” was used in foreplay.

AD has some dirt on Ezra and is going to make Aria pay for it with a game turn. The guy who slept with his student for years has a dirty past? Shocker of the season!!!!!

Ali’s baby—yeah not actually Ali’s. It’s Emily’s. Ya know, that whole “stealing her eggs” thing that we thought died two seasons ago? It’s back and fucking stupider than ever.

Aria’s getting dirty rushed by the A team.

Hanna’s ex stepdad is Charles’ dad. He also knows Lucas because Lucas was friends with Charles at summer camp. Yawn.

Mary Drake killed Jessica. They both suck. No one cries. Case closed, bring in the dancing lobsters.

It’s Hanna’s turn now. It skips over Aria because AD is still trying to recruit her.

God I felt like a fucking idiot typing that. Why do we watch this show anymore, I mean for real. Whatever.

THIS WEEK’S SHIT SHOW

Ali and Emily are talking about the baby and Emily’s like “maybe A is lying about using my eggs!!!!” Oh yeah, and I bet all the election hacking was done by China too. *rolls eyes* I’d like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it’s not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula. (Name that quote.)

Ali’s like, “no you’re fucking dumb, this is your kid.” Damn Em, already trying to be a deadbeat dyke. For shame.

Aria’s still getting Facetimes from AD, who is still trying to rush her to join the A team. AD is also using a shit Snapchat filter so it looks like Aria is facetiming herself. Or is this an Instagram filter? Does Facetime have filters now?

Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 15

They’re all trying to figure out how Lucas is involved in all this dog shit. Hanna is defending him to the death because he’s her genuine friend, not because he’s given her millions of dollars and a home to live in. Right?

HANNA/REGINA: I know he’s socially retarded and weird, but he’s my friend….

They decide to spy on Lucas and try and find Mary while Aria is ghosting phone calls from AD quicker than I ignore contact from my Aunt Mary Sue from Montana. Like, what could we possibly talk about?

The detective starts telling Spencer that he has theories on how Snaggle died. He starts questioning her and it’s uncomfortable. Could this be…actual police work? *chokes on my wine* In my good Christian suburbs?!?

AD calls Aria and is like “send me to voicemail again and I’ll fucking murder you.” Which is what I told my boyfriend last week when he screened my calls while “on a run.”

AD wants to know what is going on and what Hanna and Spencer were doing last week. She threatens to send Ezra to jail again and Aria fucking cracks. You crack Aria, you crack the rest of the Liars. Say crack again.

Crack

Okay, this AD sounds EXACTLY like Paige. Can they be that dumb?

So Paige and Emily are kind of a thing again. And Emily gets a call from Ali that the baby is Emily’s and shocker, they don’t know who the father is. I think they should feel #blessed it isn’t Snaggle’s. Probably saves them years of orthodontic care.

MD reaches out to Spencer by drinking a bottle of wine and putting a note in it. Incredible. What innovative communication. Def beats out the Facetime face swap A is pulling.

Hanna and Emily start digging through Lucas’ comic books to see if there are any clues to him being involved with A. Hanna is going on and on about wanting to have a baby with Caleb while Em’s like “yes this is exactly what I want to talk about.”

Aren’t these girls like, 24? Why are you talking babies? Could you just like, chill for a sec?

They find a comic made by Lucas and Charles and they’re like “ohhhhh shit.” This is the nerdiest clue ever. Lucas is legit never getting laid. Sweet boy.

Ali is at the police station talking to Detective Landscaper. He’s asking her questions and tells her that more than one person must have killed Snaggle. This detective is more than just a pretty face and expert gardener, I tell you.

The comic book that Emily and Spencer find is like Lucas’ fucked up diary about exacting revenge on his enemies. They show Aria’s snake ass and she’s like “do you think Lucas is the AD baby’s dad?” They decide not to tell Ali about this, because knowing Lucas is the dad might drive that bitch straight to the abortion clinic.

Aria runs and tattles to AD about the comic book because she’s a dumbass bitch protecting Ezra, who let’s all agree has put on a few pounds since season 1. I think it’s time to cut the cord or at least connect it to an elliptical. AD tells Aria it’s time to steal something and shows her the number 214.

Emily and Spencer are discussing the baby and you can tell Emily wants to keep it. She says she doesn’t want to be like MD and Spencer is like, “cool yeah thanks.”

Emily ends up asking Ali to keep the baby because she wants to have a family with Ali. Seems normal. Emily doesn’t want AD to have the satisfaction of making them get an abortion which is like, a not good reason to bring a kid into the world. Damn it. Marlene King has some straight-up angst coming from her childhood.

Hanna discovers that the comic book is missing and calls Spencer. We all know Aria fucked this shit up, but they blame Lucas. No wonder he wants to torture them.

Spencer finds a note from MD and a key. Because getting strange keys and going to strange places has worked out so well for the liars.

Sarcasm

Mona tells Hanna that Lucas is selling their company and is putting the factory up for sale. She’s like “he’s fucking sneaky, and this is coming from someone who is fucking sneaky.” Hanna is starting to realize that her nerdy friend may actually have a micro-penis and may fuck her over on this.

Aria breaks into Rosewood High and puts the comic book that she stole into a locker. Okay, did not expect her to be the one to steal it but we all know Aria fucking sucks. She decides to go back and grab the comic book but it’s gone and a black hoodie is there instead.

A is basically handing her a bid and Aria fucking accepts it. Now when does she get to meet her big?

Emily tells Paige about the mess that is her future child. Paige is like, “goddam I need a drink.” That’s what I’ve been saying for three seasons.

Hanna brings Mona to the game and Mona practically creams her pants. She’s like “What is this marvelous piece of art that is torturing my best friend? I LOVE IT.” She also figures out within like, .3 seconds, that there is a battery that will only shut off if they finish the game.

Emily asks Paige to stay and be a weird family with her and Ali. Paige is like, the fuck? This is PLL, not Modern Family. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Like, how many lesbians is too many lesbians? Paige breaks up with her again and is getting the fuck out of Rosewood.

Ezra is going to see Nicole and Aria flips out. She tells him not to go. She’s done so much for him! She was half a virgin when she met him! He leaves anyway.

Detective Gardener follows Spencer to the house she’s waiting for MD at. He tells her that he knows Spencer is involved with the Snaggle murder. How? Because Spencer’s drunk ass paid with Snaggle’s credit card at the bar the night he went missing. Oh shiiiiiit. Finally a struggle on this show I can relate to. And, added bonus, she signed with her own name.

Idiot

She legit might get a murder charge because she wouldn’t just let a dude pay for a drink. I think we all can learn a lesson from this.

Paige breaks into Ali’s house and they decide to have a polite conversation. Paige asks Ali if she loves Emily and Ali gives the whole speech about how she feels when Em looks at her. Paige ends up leaving and being really nice. It’s hard to notice anything except Paige’s hair straight from the 70’s. Like forget the lesbian love fest, get me some leave-in conditioner stat.

Mona figures out that the game isn’t listening to them all the time. I didn’t know Mona was a fucking mechanical engineer. I mean seriously this girl should be at Harvard, not at Rosewood.

Hanna asks Mona to help her play the game and Mona’s like “I’m addicted to ruining people’s lives!” Honestly same. Hanna convinces Mona that in order to kick the addiction she should like, keep doing it. Not sure what 12 steps Han is referring to, but I’m not sure that’s how it works.

Ezra sees Spencer and Wren, #tbt to Wren, having a drink at the airport. I can’t even find my dog in my own house but he can see people he knows at the fucking international airport. Wren’s also got this whole Skinhead/damn-right-I-voted-for-Trump look going.

Ezra declines having a drink with them and Spencer asks her to keep this meeting secret. She’s apparently trying to get info out of Wren and needs it to not get to Aria.

This is sketchy. Also why is Spencer dressed in all black? And like, hanging out with her sister’s ex? I threw an actual burrito at my sister’s ex once. That’s a story for another day. Anyways, Ezra is kinda skeptical.

Ali decides to have the baby. This is a fuckin mess.

Jesus Fix It

Ezra comes home because all the flights were delayed and Aria apologies to him. He tells her that he actually didn’t get on his flight at all.

Mary sends Spencer a note and is like “You fucking narc. We’re done here.” How did Spencer get to the airport? I swear to god if they say she has a twin I will drive my ass straight to Freeform and set the studio ablaze.

‘Pretty Little Liars’ Recap: Memoirs Of A Geisha Named Hanna

Let’s cut the crap mmmk? I know this is late. I know you all are depending on me to provide you with a 6 page snarky recap .3 seconds after the credits roll, but alas, I too am human, with a life. And a malfunctioning television. So you’re getting this on Friday. Think of it as a Cinco de Mayo present.

All My Readers: Betch Waldorf, welcome to your tape.

BACK TO THE GAME

The game A made wakes Spencer up in the middle of the night with a crying baby noise. Spencer is basically losing her goddamn mind and calls all the Liars over to figure out who the fuck needs to babysit this weird version of the game “Life.”

Also, Ali is out of town to “do something” according to Emily. That’s a roundabout way of saying “abortion.” What? You were thinking it!

They pass around the baby crying thingy until it stops crying in Hanna’s arms, indicating that it’s Hanna’s turn to play. This ought to be sufficiently fucking dumb.

Remember how Hanna made one fugly dress and styled it on some rando senator’s daughter? Well she’s now made the front page of the New York Times. Isn’t life grand?

Hanna tells everyone to Google her and is so surprised to find that someone outed her secret about stealing the design. Like, who would do such a thing? It’s not like she has a murdering psychopath stalking her! Like what are the odds?

Spencer sees Toby in the coffee store, one of the 4 places that exists in Rosewood, and tells her that Yvonne is out of her coma. She starts rambling on about science and other things that aren’t important to the GOP and Toby is like nodding off. He’s like “can we hurry this up I have a life to live.”

The Detective/Gardener comes in because he heard there was an emergency regarding some wilting tulips. He proceeds to ask Spencer on a date while wearing a shirt that literally outlines his abs. That exercise plan of pulling weeds and being 10 steps behind every murderer in town has its benefits clearly.

Spencer decides to go out on a date with him, apparently forgetting he is the cop who is supposed to be investigating her attack. Like, wtf you have time for a date? Get back in the office and find out who shot me, asshole.

Hanna thinks it’s Jenna or AD who sent in that info to the blogger. But how could Jenna possibly do that?? She’s blind!!! (Seriously they act like Jenna is incapable of doing anything.)

The Liars: Jenna couldn’t possibly take a shit, she’s blind!!!!

Hanna’s like “they tried to ruin my shoes and now my career!” Um, Spencer got shot, hunny. Can you just like, chill for a sec?

Caleb has his spy kit out and ready to fuck shit up. Why does he have all this super secret spy gear? Doesn’t this make the Liars wonder? Like, you have a dude with every capability of stalking you right here? Also, can I get one of those at Target or is this an Amazon Prime thing?

He starts to explain to Dumb, Dumber and Gayer—Aria, Hanna and Emily—how to use the kit to spy on Sydney or Jenna. Who’s Sydney, you ask? She’s the girl last season who tricked Caleb and Mona. Idk that’s what her IMDB says.

Marlene King: Bring everyone back this season to throw people off the trail.
Writers: Okay so we’ll bring the girls’ parents back…
MK: No, bring everyone back besides the people who actually make sense.

Aria sees a newscast about Ezra and Nicole and tells Caleb that all is well with them and “WE WILL FIND A WAY BACK TO EACH OTHER!”

Hanna and Caleb:

A messages Hanna telling her that it’s her time to play and to answer the door. Someone legit starts banging on the door and Hanna just stands there. Caleb’s finally like “answer the door, bitch” and does it for her.

Caleb opens it and it’s a lifesize doll that apparently is supposed to look like Hanna? Idk this doll was def not as well manufactured as the game. Maybe this was the piece Jenna put together? Ya know, cause she’s blind? Did I mention she’s blind?

Hanna tells Caleb about the game and he’s like “this shit again?” He acts bummed out but I think Caleb has a real hard-on for drama. Nothing makes his dick harder than the woman he loves being tortured for 8 years.

The doll starts talking and tells her to “check the appendix”. Hanna doesn’t know what that is because it has more than two syllables. Caleb tells her that he is going to try and figure out how to disconnect the game because that should work out.

Detective and Spencer go to senior home or something. Idk. It’s some kind of place where poor people gather. Never been.

He brings her to a fucking ping pong table. Seriously. Like how fucking cheap are you? Couldn’t even afford an air hockey table. Even in 6th grade I would have been like, forreal?

Toby is back with Yvonne, who is now awake and talking, also looking super good for just coming out of a coma. Did she have the nurses do her contour?

Toby tells her he wants to marry her today, like right the fuck now. This is a def a low budget version of A Walk to Remember rn. She says yes and I’m like where is your family, why is Toby the only one here?

Lucas tells her the investors she was meeting with from Japan saw the report that claims Hanna stole and they’re like:

Lucas is like, “Look it’s fine, I’m rich but don’t fuck this up too much. Which is exactly what my dad told me before I went to college.”

Emily and Aria are on “spy on Sydney” duty, now that Hanna is officially trying to prepare for this meeting. They’re looking her up online and get a shit ton of information off her Facebook page. Does this bitch have her social security code as her cover photo, I mean really? Stranger danger girl.

They think she’s the one who tipped off the blogger about Hanna’s dress. Emily’s like “we should be careful” and Aria’s like “we won’t confront her—we just want answers.” K that’s confronting her but moving on.

Meanwhile, Caleb is still trying to work on this goddam board. Caleb really needs to work for the FBI or at least be the gadget dealer for the Spy Kids.

So, AD must stand for “Actually Dexter” because it wants Hanna to cut this mannequin thing open at the appendix. She suddenly is decked out in full surgical gear and is performing an operation in their living room. Cas. Of course, A leaves something in there that says “wear me.”

Spencer and Detective are still playing ping pong and Spencer’s like “I learned how to play from my mom…. My adoptive mom.” She is giving off some serious Todd- angst vibes rn.

Spencer:

The detective starts talking about the shooting case, with the victim, because that’s normal. She’s like, “oh yeah, that traumatizing thing that happened to me? Let’s for sure discuss it in a place that smells like old people and welfare.”

He says he used to go to the shelter as a kid because his mom was a pill popper and he was fat? Sob sob sob, everyone cries, the end.

Spencer’s shoulder starts bleeding so he legit undoes her entire shirt to bandage things up. He’s the kind of dude who does the fake yawn to get the arm around. The end up making out because nothing is sexier than an open wound and shitty parents.

At the same time, Yvonne, who is out of a coma with a perfect fucking manicure, gets married to Toby. I know pronounce you crater face and wife. Their poor children are going to come out looking like Seal.

A wants Hanna to dress like a goddam geisha and blow the meeting with the investors. If she doesn’t A will fuck this shit up. Hanna’s bummed because this was her one chance to be smart and it’s like, oh honey.

Me:

Hanna is upset because not only is the dress short AF, it’s also super offensive and trashy. It’s a Donald Trump brand fasho. I would say it’s an Ivanka, but I don’t think they sell those anymore.

Aria and Emily go to confront Sydney. Emily’s like “oh my goodness gracious, it’s so good to see you!” Sydney is like fuuuuuuuck off. I’m Sydney, minus the duck face.

Emily asks why Sydney tricked Mona and Caleb and she’s like “Jenna said it was a prank!” Aren’t you like 24? If one of my weird-ass high school friends who I barely know was like “let’s pull a prank!” I would cunt punt them. For real.

Sydney: That prank was one time!
Emily:

While hacking through her calendar, Aria learns that Sydney has an appointment at the eye institute. They follow her to the eye doctor and overhear her paying for Jenna’s upcoming eye surgery. But, if she gets her eyesight back, what jokes will the writers make? How… how will they carry on?!

Real picture of the writers room:

They confront Sydney AGAIN and she says AD is an anonymous client at the bank that she works for. She says she doesn’t know where Jenna is and does Jenna really even know where she is either? She’s blind.

Either way, they put a GPS tracker in her bag because this is Rosewood, for god’s sake. You think you can do anything without someone spying on you?

Spencer comes home and Caleb is playing on the game board in her living room. They’re like “is this awkward? Because like, we used to bone?” They decide to ignore that conversation and go straight to alcohol. Same.

Caleb’s digging under the buildings looking for screws to get into the game while Spencer rambles on about the detective and her stupid ass date.

Spencer: *talking about her amazing date*
Caleb:

He eventually gets one of the buildings up and it sprays a poison in his face. Like fuuuuuck dude, A came to play. He stops breathing and Spencer makes herself useful and calls 911. So desperate. Already giving him a call less than 2 hours after their date.

Hanna shows up to the meeting looking like a waitress at a sushi restaurant in Vegas. Someone also needs to tell her to brush her hair. Hair and makeup people are usually better than this. Leave the fuck-ups to wardrobe. Get your shit together, Carol!

Hanna tells Lucas that she loves him forever as a friend, knowing that she’s about to cost him millions of dollars. Of course, right as she’s going to the meeting, she gets the text that Caleb is in the hospital. She gives Lucas the designs and sketches, runs to see Caleb and loses her turn. Womp womp.

Toby and Yvonne are laying in the hospital talking about all the shitty places they could go on their honeymoon. Toby slithers around and asks her if she is happy and she says “the happiest.” THEN. SHE. FUCKING. DIES.

That’s fucked up. I may not love Toby and his lizard looking face, but Yvonne! That sweet little croissant with cheese! She lived in a trailer for him, FFS! YVONNE DESERVED BETTER.

Hanna goes to see Caleb and he’s says that she skipped her turn. She’s like, “yeah dipshit.”

A texts her saying that she’s lost and that her puzzle piece is gone. Hanna thinks this game is horseshit. She didn’t want salmon! She said it four times!

Spencer goes to see Toby and Yvonne, not knowing that she’s died. Womp womp. She gets there and Toby falls to the ground sobbing in Spencer’s arms. Damn PLL, why you gotta make me feel things?

Obviously they are pushing for Spoby bad, but he’s still married so we’ll see. We all know how great weddings work out in this show. Spoiler: EVERYONE DIES.

Aria comes home and is leaving a message for Ezra about his coffee shop when a figure comes out of the shadows. It’s Nicole, the girl who was kidnapped for years but still likes being alone in the dark.

The ending scene is Rosewood PD being sent a finger in the mail. I’m assuming it’s Snaggle’s. I’m so ready for him to never exist anymore. 

‘Pretty Little Liars’ Recap: Oh, Now You Wanna Talk About Mommas

Finally, this stupid fucking show is coming to an end. #Tbt to my junior year of high school when it came on and all the actresses hadn’t gone through menopause yet. Seriously, these bitches are pushing 40.

Either way, this season I swore I was going to stop watching because I’m an “adult”, but if I don’t fucking find out how A is after all this time, it will grow to be my biggest regret. And we all know you gotta live life with no ragrets, Scotty P, knowwhatI’msayin?

So to recap, Ali is preg with Snaggle’s spawn, Spencer got a cap busted in her ass, Hanna and Caleb are back together and Aria is engaged to Ezra, whose ex-girlfriend is like, so un-kidnapped. Also, Mary Drake just told Spencer that she’s her mom. Yeah I know, I’m shooketh as well.

POST-MURDER HOUSE VIBES

Spencer gets into the ambulance after being shot, bleeding and shit and the EMT is asking her questions. He’s like “who is your mom!?” like wtf is that bullshit question? What’s the next question—what’s your social security number? I mean damn dude, mind your business.

All the girls go to the hospital and are very not concerned about Spencer. But I mean, at this point they’ve all been shot so it’s like, whatever.

The liars are like, so wait, if we chopped Noel’s head off and he’s A, then A must be done right? Omg Karen, you can’t just ask someone if they’re dead!

THE LIARS: So, A must be dead!

A:

Conceited Face

Toby is there and they care more about him than Spencer. Seems fair. They’re like “where the fuck is Yvonne?” That little croissant with cheese.

A WEEK LATER

Toby talks to Aria about Yvonne and is like “it’s called a medically induced coma.” Oh that’s what they call it? Thanks for that remedial medical lesson, Toby. We’re on season 15 zillion of Grey’s now, the fucking world knows what that is.

Toby asks about Spencer and it’s like, don’t worry about her. She’s out spying on people even though the fucking stitches haven’t healed. Spencer, it’s hard to be sneaky when you’re damn near still bleeding out of your wound.

ME: Spencer should really take it easy
.

ALSO ME:

Meredith Grey

Aria is getting ready to leave when Ezra comes home. Is she leaving for a few hours? I mean, she literally has a backpack. Bitch ain’t going too far. He tells her not to leave, because of course he does. Would’ve been hilarious though if he was like “k bye, don’t forget your backpack.”

Hanna and Caleb are back together and are too busy having sex to go track down their friend’s attacker. Caleb is like “stop worrying about your friends worry about yourself.” SUSPECT AS FUCK.

Paige and Emily are now faculty at Rosewood High. Good to see Stanford grad Paige back to her roots with Junior College losers like Ali and Emily.

Paige And Emily Pretty Little Liars

Emily sees Ali and is like “WHY DIDN’T YOU TEXT ME BACK”


Ali: Why are you so obsessed with me?

Ali tells her she went to the doctor and was told she’s “having the baby of a stranger.” Don’t mean to be a stickler but technically he was your sister’s lover and your fake husband. Not totally fake.

Ali storms out after seeing Paige and her fugly bob hair cut. Damn when did Knocked Up have so many lesbians?

Aria asks Ezra about Nicole and he’s like “I tried to talk to her but she wasn’t ready.” Selfish-ass Aria is like “I understand.” Girl, she was abducted by a terrorist and you got taken by a blind girl in the burbs. Sit down though.

Ezra has a type—easily snatched.

Spencer calls Aria to let her know that they got a delivery from AD. YAS QUEEN.

ARIA: NO THIS CANNOT BE


A:

But I'm Here Bitch

They open up to the lamest board game ever called “end game.” Fuck, this is a huge box, imagine the shipping cost.

This game is intense. It has an attached cellphone, a full map of the city, and even includes a life-like playing piece of Emily in a track suit. Moment of silence for the mechanical engineering. A should really consider working for Mattel.

Pretty Little Liars Game

MY MOM WHO WATCHES THIS SHOW ONLY TO READ MY RECAPS: A really has a talent.

They are all like “well obviously Jenna didn’t build this—she’s blind! Get it? She’s BLIND.” Take one drink for every time they reference Jenna’s blindness and give me a call from the hospital after you get your stomach pumped. K thx.

Hanna tells Aria that she shouldn’t be worried about Ezra and Nicole. Obvi they will still get married, so like, Aria should keep planning a wedding. This should be good.

Meanwhile, Ali is acting like a jealous bitch and is mad that Paige has a job. Like what, Emily failed out of JC—shouldn’t you be more annoyed she got a job? Like Paige seems qualified.

Emily is like “are you okay?” and Ali is like “I’m broke, I’m pregnant and alone.” Fuck it’s like, Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!! This whole rant would be sad but her mansion in the background is throwing me off.

Emily keeps trying to woo Ali into scissoring by “supporting” her.

Emily: The sexual tension is so thick we could probs cut it with a big dildo—wanna try?

Mona’s back because she’s the best character. Hanna is sketching fashion designs—a skill she acquired within the week since Spencer got shot, since I have never seen her sketch before.

Hanna Sketches Pretty Little Liars

Mona is like “I can make you famous, trust me!” Famous last words, though.

The detective/gardener on The O.C. is questioning Spencer and is like “hey, Ali’s husband is fake.” WOW breaking fucking news—that only happened like 6 episodes ago. Emily’s dumbass figured that out before you. The FAILING Rosewood PD can’t figure anything out! Sad!

Detective What’s His Face just fucking whips out the “evidence” gun from his desk drawer. Like, woah man. I’ve seen enough of the OJ Simpson Story to know this is not protocol, I tell you!

Basically the gun they recovered was not the one that shot Spencer, so yeah, there is another gun out there. Somewhere, Jenna is laughing in the darkness (the usual) being like “GOT YOU FUCKERS.”

Holden is back and he happens to run into Aria as she is wedding shopping. All my exes work at a fucking supermarket, how come hers gets to be a cool wedding planner? Fucking Rosewood.

Emily confronts her boss about Paige and Ali being on the same committee at school. Since when does the swim coach get a say on how anything works? Like shut up and teach flip turns.

The boss is like “are you bitches for real?” Paige said she’s chill with it and it’s like, we get it, you’re a lesbian. Also can Paige’s manly-ass shirt be any lower cut? I man forreal she’s like a button away from going to a Risky Business themed frat party.

Aria realizes that she never talked to Ezra about anything, like ever, about the wedding. Very normal. Holden is like “wow this must be so awkward for you.”

Mona manages to get a rando Senator’s daughter to wear Hanna’s clothes to an event. Apparently they stopped selling Ivanka everywhere, so she had to come to Rosewood. Very Unfair!

Spencer’s mom finally decides to come home from vacation a week after her daughter got shot. She would have flown home earlier, but they had reservations to go scuba diving that were non-refundable!

Spencer is offering wine to everyone because she’s uncomfortable. I am Spencer, actually.

Spencer confronts her mom about the shit Mary Drake said and Mrs. Hastings is like “I have never seen that will before! I have never seen my dead husband’s will before!” *name that movie*

Basically, what Mary said was true, Spencer is a John Snow baby bastard.

Basically Spencer’s fuckboy dad had sex with Mary, thinking it was Jessica. Which, hmmmm, does not make it any better but I’m sure he’ll make it on a TFM Instagram post.

TFM: “DILF hooks up with two sisters and tells all his bros! Link in bio”

Jessica came over one day to shoot the shit with her lover’s wife, per usual, and v casually brought up that her husband is having ANOTHER child from a different woman. Do they not sell condoms in Rosewood? Probs not, we all know the only locations in this town are the church (where everyone dies), Ezra’s coffeeshop, and Radley.

Anyway, Spencer was the baby Mary gave away, the one Noel’s dad knew about and they spent all fucking season looking for. PLL literally does not give a fuck about wasting my goddam time.

Spencer is like, mad at her mom for staying with her dad and I’m like, okay this is the most relatable thing they’ve ever said. Like for real. Spencer’s mom is like “WE CREATED THIS TOGETHER!” and I’m like, look I don’t wanna give you a biology lesson, but you literally did not.

They flashback to when Spencer was given to Hastings. Like, why does this look like it’s a 1950’s film? Wasn’t this like, early 90’s? Why is it filmed in black and white? Spencer’s mom is legit in the back of a town car and a man in a trenchcoat brings her the baby.

Pretty Little Liars

They have a town car service in Rosewood? And not any place that sells contraceptives?

Spencer freaks out and is like “YOU’RE NOT MY MOM!” Like, lol okay you ungrateful bitch.

SPENCER: I’M NEVER GOING TO CALL YOU MOM, NOT EVEN IN A FIRE!

Aria and Holden are back in town and happen to run into Ezra. He’s like “oh perfect, going to see my ex, brb!” AWKWARDDD.

Hanna is letting the Senator’s daughter try on dresses and the girl tells her to have her “boss” Mona call her. Hanna is like, fuck that! “Mona is not my boss, I am an adult.”

HANNA: But I wipe my own ass! I wipe my own ass!

Caleb is there and is like “did I hear that correctly?” What, are you deaf now? Of course you fucking heard it. If you had a hearing disability, there would have already been like, 10 jokes about it.

Ali’s trying to start shit in a staff meeting with Paige, obvi. Their boss, May, and Emily just watch it in awe. Two fug lesbos arguing over parent teacher conferences. This is a weird porn.

MY MOM: “Okay that old bitch May needs to go. Run the program, May!”

Get Your Shit Together

Spencer is downing wine and reading texts she shouldn’t—again, me. Although. I would never have those fugly bangs. I digress.

AD tells her to play the game to learn more about her mom. Spencer’s dumb ass is like, “sounds good.” A truth or dare game comes up and Spencer willingly picks dare. Why the fuck would you do that?

She gets dared to visit Toby, which doesn’t seem like a big deal. AD, I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.

Spencer starts talking to Toby about how Rosewood sucks and Spencer recites some poem. Idk this is feeling very Cersei-ish. I’m not saying they are going to blow up the city, but they’re probs gonna blow up the city.

Emily confronts Ali about how she is acting like a fucking psycho—which is a stark difference from her usual attitude? Usually she’s just like, mildly insane.

Ali is mad because all of her memories are lies and it’s like, well, this show ain’t called 
“Pretty Little Truthers.” Emily asks Ali not to kiss her again unless she knows she wants to lesbo together. Ali acts like she’s unsure, but we all know they’re gay for each other. Ali be saying idk a lot, but she be knowin.

Hanna flips out at Mona for being the “boss” and Mona’s like “I can’t help that I’m popular.” What is Mona’s orange blazer? The fucking PLL wardrobe team strikes again. Whoever said orange is the new pink is seriously disturbed.

Mona calls the Senator’s daughter to clear things up, but we all know it’s suspect as fuck. God, I love Mona.

Spencer comes home and gets her “prize” from this revolutionary-ass game. Her prize is a puzzle piece and a letter from Mary Drake. Idk what’s worse—being given up for adoption or getting a fucking puzzle piece as a gift. Mary Drake is a shit parent.

Mary wrote Spencer a letter basically saying sorry for being a psycho and fucking a married man because I hate my sister. This is a weird episode of 13 Reasons Why.

Emily goes to Paige to apologize for Ali being a fucking weirdo. Paige is like “I don’t understand it and I won’t respond to it.” Paige is like “Ali is always the victim, Emily. Can’t you see?” And it’s like, no she can’t. She went to a junior college for a semester.

Hanna is freaking out when she finds out Spencer played the game without her. Everyone is cornholing and having fun except Hanna!!!

Hanna is about to hulk smash the game when it shows them a video of the Liars hiding Snaggle’s body.

Pretty Little Liars Game

Like, damn. What can this game not do? I feel like this game probs knows the cure to cancer. This game is a power that needs to be harnessed by the military… in 4 years when we can trust the people running it again (don’t @ me).

The game says winner takes all. So like, you win or you die. Ugh so cliché but I’m so fucking committed to this bullshit it’s painful.

Jenna’s blind ass is literally sipping tea in the dark and reading the transcript to this game in braille. The Liars are always acting like this bitch is out there Helen Kellering and running into traffic when we all know Jenna runs this shit.