So your Presidents Day Weekend was anything but presidential, and you basically spent the whole time alternating between being blackout drunk and violently hungover. I mean, Monday was obviously just another day to avoid the harsh realities of sober everyday life, so we get it, but now you’re dealing with the consequences. After three days straight of living off vodka and the sugary syrup from your bottomless brunch mimosas (sorry, that drop of OJ doesn’t count as fruit), you’re in need for a major detox this week. Here’s what you need to do:
1. Drink All The Water
You’re probably sick of hearing us tell you to chug water every time you punish your body with fast food and alcohol, but that’s because it fucking works. Water should be your best friend for the next few days, so drop the Diet Coke and the Gatorade, and start drinking water—three liters a day. Water will help you get your body back on track by detoxing your liver and your digestive system, and it’ll even help clear up your skin. It’s zero calories. Just drink it.
2. Add Turmeric To Your Food
If the extent of your kitchen’s spice collection stops at a few Splenda packets, it’s time to stock up on some big-girl ingredients, and your first one should be turmeric. Turmeric is an anti-inflammatory agent, so it will reduce bloating and any stomach discomfort you’re dealing with right now. It’s a game-changer when it comes to a post-drinking stomachache, so put down the Advil and add some healthy spice to your food. Not to sound like one of your highschool married friends on Facebook, but this shit really works.
3. Load Up On Watermelon, Cucumber, And Lemon
Fruit-infused waters aren’t only meant for mommy Pinterest accounts and Martha Stewart photoshoots. There are real detoxification benefits in putting fruit in your water, and the major keys are watermelon, cucumber, and lemon. These fruits help ease your digestive system and detox your liver, and they honestly taste pretty good. Do some prep and fill water bottles with fruits before bed so you can take them to go with you in the morning. You weren’t too lazy to take your eighth shot of tequila Saturday night, so don’t be lazy now.
4. Take Ginger Shots
You might have only seen ginger shots on Instagram stories of healthy bloggers who photograph acai bowls three times a day, but there’s a real reason every health food store sells these shots. It’s because they’re literally magical when it comes to detoxing your system. Ginger is a strong antioxidant and anti-inflammatory agent, so it helps relieve the bloating and stomach pain caused by your weekend of binge drinking. A 2-ounce shot alone will help break down the toxins in your liver and will also help prevent nausea, which is a plus for your brutal hangover. Add some cayenne pepper and lemon and you’re basically Gwyneth Paltrow, minus the vagina rocks.
5. Eat Avocado
You probably don’t need an excuse to order your basic avocado toast at brunch, but we’re giving you one anyway. Avocados are high in fat, but betches got over that years ago once we heard how good they are for your skin and nails. It turns out that avocados are also amazing for your blood sugar levels and your liver, which is like, the best news ever. They’re packed with glutathione, which is an antioxidant that protects your immune system and helps your liver function correctly. So, if you were worried that you may have permanently damaged your liver this weekend, stop researching shit on WebMD and start eating some avocado.
6. Start Sweating
Look, I know you didn’t want things to come to this point, but we’re sorry to tell you that in order to get your bod back on track, you’re gonna have to sweat. You might hate yourself mid-workout, but starving yourself on the couch all day while watching The Affair is only going to make you hate yourself more. You’ve filled your body with the shitty toxins of alcohol and the late-night diner munchies that came afterward, so it’s time to burn that shit off. Book a bike, get to the gym, run outside—do whatever the fuck you need to do to get moving again.
7. Chill On The Extremes
We realize that some of you may be feeling more guilty than others after your 3-day day-drinking fiasco, but shit happens, and you can’t actually punish your body for it. Like, it was a three-day weekend. If you do something drastic now, how are you gonna survive after a blurry week of tequila and nachos post-spring break? This isn’t the time to order a $300 juice cleanse or run for four hours with a photo of Gigi Hadid taped to your treadmill. Your body is capable of more than you think, so just take care of yourself for the next few days and you’ll naturally start feeling better. Don’t make this more dramatic than it needs to be.
It’s Presidents Day, which calls for a very special broast of our one, the only,
Supreme Leader President Donald J. Trump. For the first time since Ronald Reagan, we finally have a real bro in the White House. Let’s take a look at everything The Donald has done right.
Probably the most important key to Donald’s bro identity is his hair. There’s something so intriguing about a guy with a silky flow, and The Donald’s windswept look is fucking legendary. There are rumors going around that he uses drugs to make his hair grow, but that’s obviously just fake news. Sad! Also worth admiring is his tan—it’s so natural looking. Obama may have been the first black president, but the true testiment to how far we as a nation have come in achieving a post-racial society is the fact that we elected an orange-skinned president.
Dude is also a fucking wordsmith. Like, his speeches use sentence structures so complex they haven’t even been invented yet. Just wait, 100 years from now this shit will be the new Shakespeare, bigly. Donny is known for not using a teleprompter, which is super impressive considering his speeches are always so concise and logical.
A crucial part of Trump’s whole image is the hot wife. Donald is on hot wife #3, which is honestly a modest number for a guy like him. Ideally, he would be on wife 6 or 7, but somehow he’s stayed with Melania into her mid-40s, which is probably very tough for him. Somewhere in central Europe, there’s probably a support group for aging models who really thought they would be married to Donald Trump by now.
Speaking of groups, every bro also has to have a solid crew, and Trump’s crew is next level. You’ve got pantydroppers like Mike Pence, Sean Spicer, and especially Steve Bannon—I just love a man who doubts my own humanity. Donald also hangs out with cool girls like Kellyanne Conway—every bro needs a hot blonde friend who may or may not have a meth hookup.
Trump is a true SAB with a capital S. Know how when your fuck buddy tries to tell you he stayed in last night when you physically saw him making out with another girl at the bar only makes you want him more? Exactly.
The best part about Trump is that if you hang out with him for long enough, he’ll give you a cool nickname, like “Lyin’ Ted Cruz,” or “Little Marco Rubio.” If you’re tryna chill with Donald, you can likely find him having important policy meetings with a foreign leader on an unsecure phone line and thinking of fun, inventive ways to restrict your rights.
Happy Presidents Day, Donald. We can’t wait to see what the next four years bring.