It’s barely one week into 2019 and Trump must’ve had a resolution to shake sh*t up early and often because he’s off to a great start. Me, on the other hand, I just wanted to get a better night’s sleep. The former is making sure the latter isn’t happening.

Trump has announced that in order to build his racist pile of sh*t wall he is considering declaring a national emergency. And if you think that sounds dramatic, that’s because it is. A national emergency would allow the president to use military funding to build this metaphor for his dick vital national security apparatus that he’s so obsessed with. That cost, to be clear, is $5.7 billion dollars.

So Wtf Is A National Emergency?

As you can probably guess, securing funds for a border wall are not what national emergencies are usually declared for. National emergencies are to be called for “in the event that the nation is threatened by crisis, exigency or emergency circumstances,” such as natural disasters, wars or “near-war situations.” Basically, the president can be like “I’m the one in charge here and what I say goes,” and usually that is comforting in times of crisis but Trump is in no way comforting and we are not in a state of crisis. Unless you count Trump as the crisis in which case we are but can Trump declare a crisis on himself? Ugh, my head is spinning.

Has This Happened Before?

Yeah in like, actual emergencies. You may or may not remember that Bush has called a national emergency post 9/11 (reasonable) and Obama called one for the swine flu outbreak. That last thing is way less serious but it is still more serious than a f*cking wall that won’t work because of planes.

Can Trump Even Do That?

Based on the National Emergencies Act, the president can call a national emergency, but he can only do things that are within existing laws (so he can like, move existing military funding toward the wall, but he can’t invent new funding that hasn’t already been passed). That said, there is no definition of what classifies a national emergency. Obviously there is a lot of debate by political and legal scholars if Trump can actually use emergency powers this way, and he’ll def face a lot of legal challenges if he does.

It’s also always good to remember that he could totally be full of sh*t right now. Two years in, we are used to him saying a lot of things that hold absolutely no meaning (i.e. “I love my wife”, “I can read”, etc.) But with the government being shut down almost three weeks now, people are rightly starting to worry Trump will stop at nothing to claim a W over the Dems and *chanting* build. the. wall.

What is agreed upon by literally everyone is that there is no emergency at the border. Vlad, if you’re reading this, it is my professional opinion that now is the perfect time to release the pee tape and get us all back on track.

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Another day of his presidency, another day Donald Trump has held a rally. I’d also like to hold rallies where people shouted in support of me every day, but this isn’t a freshman year dorm party where I’m doing my first keg stand. To no one’s surprise, Trump said a bunch of ridiculous BS at a rally for The Zodiac Killer Ted Cruz in Houston yesterday, which I’m sure the MAGA crowd is getting framed as inspirational Pinterest quotes or whatever. Here’s the worst of it from his rally for Ted Cruz yesterday.

Ted Cruz Has A New Nickname

A great joy of mine has been watching Republicans who once vehemently hated Trump now pretend like he is a a-okay dude. My favorite of these is Ted Cruz who Trump called Lyin’ Ted. Well, the prez has a new nickname for the Texas Senator and no it’s not Beta-Cuck O’Rourke. It’s Beautiful Ted, which maybe is meant to be a compliment but feels incredibly creepy coming from Trump.

Dems Are Releasing Criminals Like They’re Rabid Animals

Not like Trump has ever had anything very positive to say about Democrats, criminals, or undocumented persons, but he really outdid himself during this speech. His exact words were: “Democrat immigration policies allow poisonous drugs and MS-13 to pour into our country, and Democrat sanctuary cities release dangerous criminals from jail and into your neighborhoods.” Damn Donald. Tell us how you really feel. 

Boat Party

For some unknown reason Trump seems to think that the people in Texas who lived through Hurricane Harvey were out in the storm on floating crafts, just like…chillin. Like, I think he is warning those people to not go out in boats, but nothing in this clip is a full sentence and I wouldn’t be heeding advice from this man anyways.

Move over Maya Angelou

Trump has figured out how to rhyme. This puts him right on track for entering first grade. His new favorite phrase is “Democrats produce mobs, Republicans produce jobs.” 

Cat’s Out Of The Bag

Trump came right out and said he is a nationalist. We all sort of figured this but the idea is even if he is a nationalist, there ought to be some coyness to it, right? Like I don’t just come out and say I come home after work everyday, get into pajamas, and binge watch Netflix. I lead you to believe I am better than this. Other famous nationalists? Nazis! Just saying!

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Most days the world is like a giant dumpster fire, and the president is there dousing it with gasoline and covfefe, but today we have been blessed with a special treat and the world is like a hilarious cartoon and the president walked onto a plane with toilet paper stuck to his shoe. The only way this could have been better is if he slipped on a banana peel after (and didn’t get hurt because people getting hurt is bad, ty for reading FBI).

I’ll cut straight to the actual, actual footage and give the people what they want here:

This video of President Trump with toilet paper on his shoe is 100% real. He was boarding Air Force One in Minneapolis earlier today. pic.twitter.com/wr0ZnXknCx

— Beatrice-Elizabeth Peterson (@MissBeaE) October 5, 2018

What a gorgeous piece of cinema, no? Five stars.  Also, as many people on Twitter pointed out, this just proves that nobody in Trump’s orbit respects him enough to tell him when he has toilet paper on his shoe. That is like, so sad. As the wise, literally perfect Chrissy Teigen once tweeted to Trump, “lol no one likes you.”

Is this what they mean when they say it’s the little things in life? Because I’ve always felt it was the big things in life, like becoming famous to spite all my exes, but now that I’ve seen Trump board a plane with literal garbage attached to him I’m starting to see the appeal of these little things. Anyway, v much looking forward to the next presidential alert that says “THAT WAS NOT TOILET PAPER ON MY SHOE AND ALSO THERE WERE MORE PEOPLE AT MY INAUGURATION THAN OBAMA’S AND MY DICK IS TREMENDOUSLY BIG AND LOOKS NOTHING LIKE A MUSHROOM, CASE CLOSED.”

Enjoy this moment while you can.

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Well, folks, it finally happened. And by “it” I mean “adult film actress Stormy Daniels released a book with a detailed description of President Trump’s penis.” I’m so sorry. I’m sorry to you, dear readers. I’m sorry to my future children. I’m sorry to my ancestors. Frankly, I’m just sorry. I guess when Stormy titled her book Full Disclosure she wasn’t kidding.

How Do We Even Know This Sh*t?

A British newspaper received an advance copy of Stormy’s book, and just like a middle schooler who got their hands on a sex ed book, they flipped right to the part that talks about penises. Specifically, the president’s penis. George Washington would be so, so proud.

Read on if you want to hear Stormy’s description of the infamous Trump Cheeto, but if you don’t want to have it’s big reveal in The Pee Tape spoiled, we understand.

I Can’t Believe I’m Asking This But, What Did Stormy Say About Trump’s D*ck?

Well, if you insist. Firstly, Stormy described sex with Trump as “the least impressive sex I’d ever had,” which is actually a way better review than I would have expected. The two apparently hooked up at Trump’s penthouse after a golf tournament in Lake Tahoe, while Melania was casually taking care of a newborn baby Baron. This is the exact affair that led to the $130,000 payment from Michael Cohen, which led to Michael Cohen pleading guilty and agreeing to cooperate with Mueller, which led to Trump being impeached for campaign fraud (pending). Oh what a tangled web we weave when we f*ck a porn star during a golf trip.

Melania reading Stormy’s account of that day:

Okay, But What Did She Say About Trump’s D*ck Tho?

Okay, okay, I’m getting to it. I just had to mentally prepare to type these words. According to Stormy, “He knows he has an unusual penis. It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool.” And if you thought “huge mushroom head like a toadstool” was where we tapped out for the day, think again. Stormy also described it as “not freakishly small” (again, a better review than I’d expected), but the real kicker comes when she says that during the sex she laid there, “annoyed was getting f*cked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a d*ck like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.”

Aaaaand now if you’ll excuse me, I have to text my boyfriend and tell him all Mario games are henceforth banned from our home.

Anything Else I Should Know?

Other important details include: Trump’s fear of sharks, Trump’s insistence that they watch Shark Week while f*cking, the fact that Hillary Clinton called while she was there,  and that Trump offered her a spot on The Apprentice in exchange for some mushroom d*ck action.

In other news, I now have PTSD from writing this article and will be taking the next six weeks off work to recover.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Trump doesn’t know the words to “God Bless America” which makes sense because he also doesn’t know the words to being the President. Yesterday, an event at the White House that was originally scheduled to be a celebration of the Philadelphia Eagles’ Super Bowl Win changed last minute to a “celebration of America event” due to low attendance.

The White House released a long and boring statement about Eagles players committing and then backing out, which just reads like the hungover group text my friends have about brunch every Sunday. Trump interpreted their flakiness as them choosing to stay in the locker room and being “just as disrespectful as taking a knee during the national anthem.”

The Philadelphia Eagles Football Team was invited to the White House. Unfortunately, only a small number of players decided to come, and we canceled the event. Staying in the Locker Room for the playing of our National Anthem is as disrespectful to our country as kneeling. Sorry!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 5, 2018

Damn, that’s a lot to unpack. First of all, I thought Trump loved locker rooms. What about all that fun and flirty locker room talk?

Switching the event to a “celebration of America” instead of a celebration of the Eagles is sort of like if you planned a birthday party for your friend and your friend asks to reschedule and then you just decide to just have it anyway as a party for yourself. We already have plenty of celebrations of America, the most famous of which is coming up in only a month. Fox News declared the new event’s purpose to be to highlight “why Americans stand for the National anthem.” However, two guests did choose to take a knee during the anthem which seems far less disrespectful then Trump pretending he knows the lyrics to “God Bless America,” at a celebration of America as our American President. Trump sang through one of our country’s most famous songs like me when I thought “Hollaback Girl” went “there ain’t no harm in that, girl.”

For someone who is so passionate about respecting patriotic ballads over protesting racial injustice, you’d think he would bother to learn the words. In classic Trump style, though, he confidently sang along with the Marine Band and Army Chorus by contributing only the words he could guess like your drunk friend who always chooses “Baby Got Back” at karaoke. He comes in strong at all the “hers” and then really goes for it at “prairies.” At one point, he just bails completely and starts to bop his head like a confused dad at his kid’s school musical.

Pres. Trump, though standing, does not sing "God Bless America" word-for-word, nodding along to melody as military chorus sings "through the night with the light from above" https://t.co/SvRFR0SLJu pic.twitter.com/UlBL0NlgoB

— CBS News (@CBSNews) June 5, 2018

Let’s all hope that before July 4th, the real celebration of America, Trump studies up on our country’s greatest pop hits. Excuse me now while I lol to this video until I forget all the words myself.

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First someone throws water at Tomi Lahren, now Trump is legally barred from trying to avoid seeing Twitter profiles that don’t constantly stroke his oversized ego. It’s clear we’re all having an issue with how to communicate like adults when we’re around people who disagree with us. Federal Judge Naomi Reice Buchwald ruled on Wednesday that Trump cannot block Twitter users for having differing political opinions as it is a violation of the First Amendment and it’s pretty hilarious. Trump doesn’t exactly seem like the kind of person who would enjoy being censored in any way, and I just wish so badly I could be the person to sit him down and tell him he needs to stop blocking uh, Chrissy Teigen (who he blocked literally for saying “lol you have no friends.”) and anyone who is mean to him?

While the government’s rebuttal was that blocked users could still have access to the President’s tweets, Buchwald ruled that cutting people off from direct communication with Trump was still a violation of speech. The case was brought by the Knight First Amendment Institute At Columbia University and represented seven Twitter users who had actually been blocked by the President of the United States: a university professor in Maryland, a surgery resident in Tennessee, a Washington state songwriter, a New York comedy writer (not me), an author, a legal analyst and a police officer. At least he was diverse in his blocking-binge, but it is unsettling to see that he wasn’t choosing to just block violent or extremist users. Literally a comedy writer made a joke he didn’t like, and he blocked them. Trump, that is the definition of “petty.”

The President doesn’t seem to realize that his Twitter isn’t just like our middle school Livejournals. What he writes on there has consequences. And they’re actually greater than him growing up one day and cringing. Just last week, Trump tweeted repeatedly about the Justice Department placing a “spy” inside his presidential campaign to frame him over the possible Netflix and Chillin’ with Russia. Ex-FBI director James Comey responded to those tweets with, “Attacks on the FBI and lying about its work will do lasting damage to our country.” Yup.

Someone needs to tell Trump that blocking people on social media is how you deal when a creep won’t stop sliding into your DMs, not the solution to a divided political climate. If he’s only allowing himself to see users who agree with him, how does he expect to “Make America Great Again.” Also, wait, liberals are the ones living in bubbles? Yeah, ok.

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Trump has now been president for almost a year and a half, so you could be forgiven for thinking his time on the campaign trail is over, at least until the 2020 campaign begins. However, you would be wrong. Like most insecure reality-TV stars, Trump basically requires an IV-drip of public adulation to get through the day.  Despite the fact that this mindset is more appropriate for a Kardashian than a President Trump has insisted on following these whims on a rally tour across the red states he won in 2016, and these crazy Trump rally quotes will show you exactly how fun that tour has been. Meanwhile, multiple Kardashians have headed to DC to pursue actual political goals. If you feel like you are in a Scandal x Keeping Up With The Kardashians crossover, same. I wish Olivia Pope would save us.

Trump started the post-campaign campaign with a “thank you tour” before he was even inaugurated, and has held 20 rallies as of April. Honestly, the less time Trump spends legislating away our basic rights and environmental regulations, the better I feel. Also, his rally speeches are straight up hilarious. Drunk bachelor confessionals make more sense. In honor of Trump teetering on the edge of a Gretchen Weiners post candy cane delivery diatribe basically every second of this presidency, here are the top 5 most ridiculous quotes he’s given at post-election rallies.

5. I’m not a Regular President, I’m a Cool President

In a March 2018 rally in Pittsburgh, Trump asked the audience: “Remember how easy it is to be presidential? But you’d all be out of here right now. You’d be so bored.”

Apparently, not calling racists good people, not threatening nuclear warfare on twitter, and not being accused of collusion with foreign governments is “boring.” If so, sign me the fuck up for regular presidents.

4. Laws are Stupid

Last week, Trump held a rally in Washington, Michigan while the White House Correspondents Dinner, which Trump called “fake news prom,” (sick burn, TBH) went on in Washington D.C. Very subtle, Donald. At the rally, Trump went off on the current immigration code:

“Our laws are so corrupt and so stupid — I call them the dumbest immigration laws anywhere on Earth…And the laws are so corrupt, they are so corrupt…If we don’t get border security, we’ll have no choice. We’ll close down the country.”

I’m not sure what ‘closing down the country’ entails, but I am sure that Trump has definitely not read US immigration code in full. TBH, I’m not sure he’s even read his own book in full.

3. The Macron Bromance

At the same rally, Trump had the following to say about his new BFF Emmanuel Macron of France: “When the President of France came in to see me, President Macron, wonderful guy. We like to shake each other’s hand.”

Right, super normal, I too love shaking my friends’ hands. Because friends don’t usually, you know, converse or anything. Especially when they are also government leaders. No, they just shake hands vehemently and gaze into each other’s eyes. Got it.

2. From Crooked Hillary to Crooked Media

No surprise here, but Trump hates the fake news liberal media! In Arizona, he went on the following rant:

“It’s time to expose the crooked media deceptions…They’re very dishonest people…The only people giving a platform to these hate groups is the media itself and the fake news…I don’t do Twitter storms… I said, ‘Racism is evil.’ Now they only choose, you know, like a half a sentence here or there, and then they just go on this long rampage, or they put on these real lightweights all around a table that nobody ever heard of, and they all say what a bad guy I am. But I mean, do you ever see anything — and then you wonder why CNN is doing relatively poorly in the ratings”

Ok, let’s break this one down. Obviously, anyone that points out Trump’s blatant lies, racism, and misogyny is a fugly slut in Trump’s burn book. I think Trump is referencing media coverage of his ‘good people on both sides’ response to Charlottesville when he quotes himself calling racism evil here. Unfortunately for Trump, the fact that he at some point called racism evil does not discount his post-Charlottesville statement that some racists are good people. Sorry, I’m a crooked media member, duh.

1. America’s Hottest Club Is…A Trump Rally

For our grand finale, here is my personal favorite Trump rally quote. At one stop on the trail of self-congratulation, Trump gave the following genuinely unhinged rant about how Trump rallies are basically more fun and better attended than Coachella:

“Do you like me? I like you, too. I love you! I love you! So — is there any more fun than at a Trump rally? You know, a lot of times, I have to do, like, readings — we’ll pass an environmental bill, they’ll want me to go to a — I’m very spoiled, if I go to a small place, and they have 2,000 people, it’s like, why don’t we open a stadium or something? We’re spoiled. Other guys, they go out, they get 50 people, they’re satisfied. We. Need. Crowds. Like. This.”

First, he asks his fans if they like him, as though he is the DJ hyping up a festival crowd for the next performer. Then, he goes in with the existential question: is there any more fun than at a Trump rally? First of all, I don’t even know where to begin correcting the grammar on that sentence. Also, yes Donald, literally getting a root canal with no anesthetic sounds like more fun than a Trump rally. Trump points out that something he finds less fun than his own rallies is reading background information on the laws his Administration wants to pass. It seems like he is about to describe attending an actual government briefing, before he cuts himself off to talk about how big the crowd is at Trumpchella in Michigan, probably because he has attended so few government briefings.

In conclusion, I honestly can’t believe I read multiple Trump rally transcripts for you betches. My work here as a fake news liberal elite lightweight is done.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!