Say what you will about all the political insanity in 2017, but it has one thing going for it: Women don’t have to pretend to be delicate flowers who blush at the mention of sex anymore. (Even if we still have to fight for our right for contraception if we decide to have said sex. But anyway.) We’re modern fucking ladies, and we obviously enjoy sex as much as any fuckboy, provided he can keep up. That’s what the Women’s March was about, right? Uh, right. The only problem is that if a guy can’t keep up with your uninhibited libido, you’re faced with the female version of blue balls (blue ovaries? Blue tubes?) while you struggle to hide your disappointment and tell him that everything’s fine, you totally came and it was great. That, or you’re Googling ways to make sex last longer, hoping you don’t die in mysterious circumstances before you can delete your browser history. Nobody, especially not the dedicated detectives who make up the elite squad investigating your death, needs to know your sex life is anything less than screaming, orgasmic perfection every time.
But that’s what strangers on the internet are for—to tell you how to have good sex that lasts longer than your last pap smear. So if you’re at the “desperate Googling” stage of banging some bro with poor stamina, my advice is to try these tactics—because it’s generally frowned upon to pull a Rachel Green and tell him, “It’s not that common, it doesn’t happen to every guy, and it is a big deal!”
1. Hold Off On The P-in-V
Your vagine is a miraculous place, so maybe dudes can be forgiven for coming too fast. If your fuckboy comes as soon as he thinks about putting it in, there’s an easy solution: Don’t put it in as quickly as possible. Hold off on the P-in-V bit until you’re closer to coming, so you don’t have to play sexual catch-up. This is a double win for you because now your guy really has no excuse not to give you more foreplay. Isn’t logic amazing?
2. Make Things Awkward
If you’ve been banging the same guy regularly, you obviously know each others’ bodies well—maybe too well. Try something new in the hopes that the unfamiliarity (read: probable awkwardness) will make him last longer. Branching out also has the bonus of ensuring you don’t turn into the kind of couple that has sex under the covers in the missionary position once a month and goes to bed at 10pm every Saturday.
3. Try Condoms
Every fuckboy reading this probably just died inside a little, but too fucking bad. I know, I know, what’s the point of being on birth control if you’re going to use condoms anyway? (STI protection. That is the reason.) But the same complaint that most dudes have about condoms—that they dull sensation—actually works in your favor if you’re trying to make sex last longer. If condoms make things less intense, he shouldn’t come as quickly, and your blue ovaries/tubes/lips?? may finally be at an end. Halle-fucking-lujah.
4. Get Your Top Model On
AKA “…you wanna be on top?” See what I did there? Here I go with the basic logic again. If you control the pace, you can slow down when he’s getting too close and hopefully prolong things. It might not work miracles, especially if it turns out he’s really into women on top, but it’s worth trying positions where you’re in charge. Besides, IMO anytime a woman is on top (in sex, work, etc.) is basically a win for feminism.
Also, please don’t take this as a recommendation to go all Fifty Shades without warning. That’s how you end up traumatized and abruptly single, right after you finally got him to wear something other than polos and board shorts.
News flash: Men can apparently benefit from kegels, too. Is it emasculating as hell? Probably, but so is premature ejaculation.
6. Take Care Of Yourself First
If there’s anyone who knows how to get you off, it’s yourself. Don’t kick someone out of bed in favor of your vibrator, but figure out a way to incorporate masturbation into foreplay—ask if he wants to watch, do it while you’re waiting for him to get home from work, whatever floats your boat. That way, once you actually get around to banging each other, you’ll be on the same turned-on page.
BTW, it doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship or Netflix and chilling every Friday night; if foreplay isn’t a regular part of your sex life, there are bigger problems at hand than stamina. Any fuckboy that doesn’t have time for his partner is not worth fucking. Duh.