This week was the season three finale of The Handmaid’s Tale, and after a lackluster, dragged-out season, we finally got our reward for sticking it out. The finale gave me everything I want from a dramatic finale—I cried, and honestly that’s all I’m looking for out of finales. I lost count of the number of times my jaw hit the floor, and at one point I spilled an entire glass full of Sauvignon Blanc on my new mattress. At some point June went from being a Handmaid to a mob boss, but like a good mob boss, you know?
I breathed a sigh of relief as the other Handmaids appeared from the mist to carry June’s bleeding body through the woods and giddily texted a friend “WHAT NOW!?” as the credits started rolling. So…what now? Well I’m obviously not a Hulu exec, but I have some predictions for The Handmaid’s Tale season 4.
June Isn’t Going Anywhere
The plane is gone, and with it, June’s opportunity of flying out of Gilead. But here’s the thing about June: she’s the star so like…she’s not going to be killed off. If Elisabeth Moss was considering pulling a Steve Carrell à la The Office and departing her well-rated show before we’re given a satisfying ending, more time would have been spent building up the story line of one of the other peripheral characters, but nobody has been built up enough to take over the mighty shoes that June would leave behind.
Rita, Emily & Moira Will Slay
Rita is a boss-ass bitch too, and hopefully we’ll get a lot more of her in season 4, as well as more of Moira, who we were kind of cheated out of this season, what with only a few memorable scenes. In regards to Emily, I could not be happier about Alexis Bledel’s career trajectory. Like, who knew Rory Gilmore could act like that!? She can like, really act! For that reason I think (and hope) we get more of Emily next season.
Commander Lawrence’s Reprise
So the plane is gone, and with it a whole slew of Marthas and a sh*t ton of kids. It’s inevitable that The Handmaid’s Tale season 4 premiere will open with all the commanders and all the wives waking up and discovering that all of their precious little stolen children are missing, like Christmas morning in Whoville, only the Grinch won’t be held responsible this time. Commander Lawrence stayed behind in a final act of bravery, and I predict he’ll take the blame and coincidentally the glory for June’s work and definitely be hung on the wall, which is sad but also let us not forget it’s largely his fault everyone’s in this situation. He’s like the friend who suggests going to a terrible restaurant then takes all the glory when he picks up the check…like yeah you should pay for it because you’re the only goddamn reason we’re here.
With Lawrence potentially out of the picture, his big Frankensteiny mansion will just be sitting there rotting. Location is everything when it comes to real estate and Gilead is no longer the hot place to be buying! Even if Lawrence ends up keeping his life, and his book- and probably roach-filled house, I don’t think we’ve seen the last of that house yet. June and the other Handmaids will make it their headquarters/hideout, because after all, everyone in Gilead will assume they’re gone along with everyone else. June is known to be the boss bitch on the block and if they’re assuming she’s the brains behind this heist they’ll assume she was the first one on that plane too.
Aunt Lydia v June: Two Enter, One Leaves
With that sneaky bitch Aunt Lydia snooping around like your little sister sniffing out your brand new Abercrombie clothes in high school, she’s bound to be a problem, and we’ve waited three full seasons for that showdown of the century, Aunt Lydia Vs. June. Maybe Aunt Lydia will turn Lawrence style, or maybe she’ll make it her personal mission to take down June—either way it’s going to make a killer episode. With surprisingly little mention about Hannah in the finale, June will return her laser focus on getting her daughter back like a college sophomore with a re-upped Adderall prescription, so Aunt Lydia is sure to get in the way.
Canada’s Done Playing
This is the second consecutive Handmaid’s finale we’ve watched June just barely miss her escape, but like a phoenix from the ashes, or your drunk friend that throws up before getting her second wind, June will rise again and be stronger than ever. After all, there are still kids left in Gilead and June is setting herself up to be the hero of the future history books. She’ll help get more women and children out with no regard to her own personal safety, she’s clearly decided this cause is worth her life and it’s making for such a better viewing experience. With all of these new arrivals in Canada they’re not going to be able to ignore what’s happening in Gilead, and maybe we’ll get an invasion of some sort, with Luke, Emily, Moira and Rita all campaigning to get June back who knows how far they’ll go?
Orange Is The New Waterfords
Watching the demise of the Waterfords unfold should be a joy ride we’ve all earned. With Serena getting re-arrested and losing her immunity, I can’t help but feel giddy that we’ll get to see her behind bars with the people she tortured in Gilead on the other side. Imagine June visiting a locked up Serena!? It’s all too damn much and I can’t wait for it. Mr. Waterford is a genuine piece of sh*t, and he’ll make sure Serena rots along side him, and while part of me feels bad for her, she’s like….a terrible person, plus she’s such an amazing actress, can you imagine the monologues she’ll deliver from her orange jumpsuit? Seeing as baby Nichole has literally no Waterford blood and it’s now out in the open, I think the days of worrying about her going back to them are in the past, bless up. I’m also super excited for Nick’s reprise, partly because of his newly uncovered mysterious past, mostly because he’s so goddamn hot.
I guess we’ll have to wait until season four premieres to really know what’s going to go down in Gilead, and hopefully we don’t have to sit though 10 f*cking episodes to wait for it get good again, but frankly it could be 13 episodes of Elisabeth Moss staring directly into camera and I would still tune in. Until then, under his eye.
Images: Hulu; Giphy (5)
After the massively underwhelming second season of Big Little Lies, which may as well have been called “The One Where Meryl Streep Calls Reese Witherspoon Short,” it was nice to tune into Euphoria, a show whose drama is actually riveting. I’ve never used that word non-sarcastically, so this is a big moment. The season finale gave us so much, including world’s most beautiful sociopath, Jacob Elordi, throwing a temper tantrum; Zendaya performing a very morbid musical number; Barbie Ferreira making a case for dominatrix fashion; and Hunter Schafer confirming that Avril Lavigne’s black streaks are still very much not a good look. But I’m greedy and I need more, which leads me to my first of many questions: Will there be a Euphoria season 2?
Francesca Orsi, Senior Vice President of Drama Series at HBO, told Entertainment Weekly, “We are so grateful that chose HBO as the home for this groundbreaking series. We look forward to following these complex characters as their journeys continue through the challenging world they inhabit.” Yay! Then Zendaya retweeted HBO’s announcement and said, “Literally just got the call. Can’t say thank you enough for the support we’ve seen, wow.” She types with the same enthusiasm level as my dad, who responds to all of my good and/or exciting news with a resounding “yea.” Anyway, this is amazing news and I am f*cking happy about it, as is the rest of the world. Look, even though exactly zero of my season one finale predictions came true, I’m still in the game of guessing the future, so keep reading for my Euphoria season 2 predictions!
Jules Will Go M.I.A.
This is model-turned-insanely-talented-actress Hunter Schafer’s first acting gig ever, which is shocking considering I’d nominate her for a f*cking Oscar if the Academy would let me. Back to my theory: the finale ended with Rue and Jules boarding a train for an unspecified place, but right before the train left the station, Rue started to have very responsible second thoughts. I’m proud of her for thinking of someone other than herself (her mom and sister), but also disappointed because this love story gave me all the life I’ll ever need and I don’t want it to end. So being the badass b*tch she is, Jules still boards the train! Will she come back? Honestly, probably, because I can’t imagine this show getting the exceedingly high ratings that it did without her, but also because she is such a fan favorite.
I think she will be living in the Rue’s memory for the first episode or two via flashbacks and then she’ll just reappear with some gorgeous pastel hair color and make everyone (me) really happy. I am getting Serena going to boarding school after f*cking Nate vibes from her right now, and I’m not mad about it.
Rue Will Relapse
Real talk: addiction is a disease, and many addicts relapse at some point on their roads to recovery. Rue admitted in the pilot that even after rehab, she had no intention of staying clean, which is sad because she was in a drug-induced coma for four days and nearly died. As we know, she meets Jules, and Jules’ beautiful existence on this earth is enough to convince Rue that life is worth living. I think, though, that with Jules taking her amazing eye makeup game to a different city, Rue will fall back into old habits and start using again. I’ve cried so many times watching this show and I know that Rue battling with whether or not she should swipe a pill in season two will def bring me to tears. I’m not prepared for this, y’all.
Am I devastated to watch Rue undo all of her progress? Yes. Is this a drama about a teen drug addict? Yes. My point is Rue is 17 and is addicted to pills, so the chances of her staying off drugs are slim to none. So sad, but so inevitable.
Nate Will Come Out
But not in the way most people do. He’s definitely going to sexually assault a guy he thinks is cute and then go home and think, “What a good time! Should I blackmail text him? Or is it too soon?” I’m not a psychologist, but I do have working eyes and have observed that every time anyone insinuates that Nate may not be 100% straight (is anyone, though?), he gets more violent and spirals out of control. I mean, I literally had to close my eyes when he was having a Lottie in A Little Princess moment in his room because it was so terrifying. His very real internal battle will definitely start to come out. Pun fully intended.
This may be far-fetched, but I think he will take after his dad and prefer the company of wildly inappropriate sexual partners and it will all explode in his face. Hoping that also happens to his dad because he is a disgusting child abuser who needs therapy/jail time pronto.
Fez Will Have More Lines
Minus that time he attacked and robbed a rich man in front of said man’s young son who will probably be traumatized for life, Fez has been the unsung hero of this show. Not going to lie, I didn’t understand his character when the show first started and for a hot second, I thought he may be Nate’s long lost brother since he has two and we’ve only met one, but now I am really happy that they aren’t related. Fez was kind of a wildcard because I hated him for enabling Rue all these years, but at the same time, dude’s gotta eat! For real, though, Fez has a big heart and I’m happy he cut Rue off because he seems to genuinely care about her and she him. Unlike a few important people in her life, Fez has seen and helped Rue when she was at her lowest points, so hats off to you, Fez. We love you.
I think Rue will lean on Fez in Jules’ absence and he will become much more of a central character in the show. I also think Mouse, that terrifying dude rocking a few face tats, will give him trouble for the raid and Rue, as always, will accidentally be present when sh*t goes down and ruin everything. Of course, Fez will save her and we will fall further in love with him.
Think I’m completely wrong about one or all of my predictions for season two? Let me know, but make sure that if you come for me in the comments, you have facts to prove me wrong. Do you have any predictions for Euphoria season 2?
Images: Giphy (4)
It’s been over 48 since Arie announced which women will bring dishonor to their families take him home to meet their families and I already have, like, a lot of feelings about this. First, I’m sad to say that Bekah M, professional nanny and reason I have an entire Pinterest board devoted to pixie hair cuts, was cut last episode, which means we won’t be meeting her mother aka the woman behind the infamous missing persons report. I’ve honestly not been this disappointed since they announced Arie as the next Bachelor. That said, Tia, Kendall, Lauren B, and Becca K all made it to hometowns next week and I’m thinking some shit will go down. Let’s take a look at the ladies still left standing, shall we? We’ve got Raven 2.0 Tia, a girl whose first impression involved a tiny wiener. Then there’s Kendall, who likes to stuff dead things for fun; Lauren B, who has the personality of a stuffed dead thing; and, finally, Becca K, who for all intents and purposes appears normal (I assume until this very episode proves otherwise). I’ve done the research a deep dive into the catacombs of their social media platforms and I’m pretty sure I know exactly what skeletons these bitches have hiding in their (middle school) closets. So here’s all the shit that’s definitely going to happen during The Bachelor hometown visits.
1. Raven Gets A Cameo
If there’s one thing I know and trust in this world is that the limit does not exist as to how many times ABC will pimp out a franchise-favorite contestant just for ratings. In fact, I would bet my brunch reservations that we’ll be seeing Raven “The Bachelor Gave Me My First Orgasm” Gates next episode. If you’ll recall, Raven and Tia go way back in the sense that they are the only two girls in that godforsaken Arkansas town trying to find love make it big as Instagram models. Raven will most certainly make a brief appearance, if only to lecture Tia on “following your heart” and “trusting the process”, to which I will be here to savagely bring that bitch back to earth when I tell her that by “process” she must mean Wells’ cocktails. Please.
Never forget where you come from, Raven.
2. Kendall Shows Arie Her Red Room Of Pain
I don’t know about y’all, but I for one am fucking psyched to see Kendall introduce Arie to her house of horrors family. I actually really like Kendall. Sure she’s weird, but she seems genuine, even if some of that genuineness involves stuffing dead things for funsies. Whatever, nobody’s perfect. The promo for next week’s episode indicated that Kendall is about to really lean the fuck in to her weirdness by showing Arie her Red Room of Pain aka the place where she keeps all of her literal stuffed animals. Let’s just hope we also get a glimpse at the room where she keeps the heads of her ex-boyfriends, because I’ve been waiting for that reveal since day one when they introduced Kendall as a “taxidermy enthusiast.”
3. There’s Going To Be Dogs Everywhere
For those of you who are about to be like “who cares” to my prediction that dogs are about to be every-fucking-where this episode, I’d just like to say that you can go shave your back now. Thx. All of the final four girls refer to themselves as “dog moms” on Instagram except for Kendall, which is suspicious AF. Perhaps it’s best we don’t question that one too much. We’ll definitely be seeing some pooches on Bachelor hometown dates, but here’s hoping that at least one of the dates has to have an in-depth discussion about their future as to why their dog doesn’t like Arie. It’s the least I ask for, ABC. If I don’t see some meat seat Cheaper By The Dozen antics, I will not be pleased!
4. At Least One Father Will Try To Kick Arie’s Ass
In every Bachelor hometown episode there’s at least one father/brother/overprotective neighbor who isn’t happy about the fact that his favorite daughter/sister/girl-next-door obsession is acting out her latent daddy issues dating a man a decade older than her who is also casually dating three other women. Can men just ever let a girl live?? My money is on a member of Tia or Kendall’s family losing their shit since Arie seems to be the least into these two, and he’s about as good as faking his feelings as I am at faking enthusiasm about being pulled into a five-person-plus group chat. All I have to say is, if that fight goes anything like Arie’s wrestling match with Kenny, then it will be a bloodbath. *crosses every finger and toe*
Jesus.
5. Lauren B Finally Reveals Her True Personality
I have a lot of theories about Lauren B and where tf she got the personality of low-fat yogurt from. Most of these theories revolve around the fact that I’m convinced she is an anatomically forged robot human, and we can’t tell the difference because she looks and acts just like every other hot blonde Lauren in the world. Now, this theory could have been influenced by my recent binge watch of the entire first season of Westworld, but it also definitely has to do with the fact that I have not seen this girl show a sliver of emotion in the seven episodes I’ve suffered through. It’s really either/or at this point. If she’s not a robot then she 100 percent comes from the most boring family on planet Earth. I’m already mentally preparing myself to sit through a Bachelor hometown date that’s about as thrilling as my last dentist appointment.
^^ Lauren B’s face when she is happy, sad, angry, outed as human fembot
Hometowns are about to be so lit. Until next week, betches!
Images: Giphy (3); @bkoof /Instagram (1); ABC (1)
Game of Thrones is finally coming back, bitches, which means I am too—along with my long-winded recaps, undying love of Daario Neharis, and habitual misspelling of every characters’ name. Did you all miss me? I just watched this blessed trailer three times in a row in an airport terminal, and once I was done sobbing I figured it was time to make some predictions for the season. I haven’t read the books (but apparently neither have the showrunners, so….) which means these predictions are truly guesses and likely off-base, so please make sure your hate mail is at least grammatically correct this time around.
1. The Lannisters Are Fucked
After last season, I was almost sure that Jaime would end up killing Cersei in some murder-suicide situation in order to save society. I still think that’s in the cards, but for the time being they appear to be on the same side. The trailer opens with Cersei listing all their enemies, and honestly it could have been a lot shorter list if she had just said “literally everyone in this fictitious world.” She is confident that the Lannisters will prevail, which is impressive seeing as how there are literally two of them left, because we all know Tyrion is a Lannister by name only.
Cersei: We are the only two Lannisters left.
Jamie: …
Cersei: Guess that means—
Jaime: Stop.
Cersei: We might have to—
Jaime: Cersei, please.
Cersei: Make some more.
My guess? The Lannisters’ time is numbered. If Team Targaryen doesn’t take them out, there’s only an entire country of people left to take up the reins. In case we forgot, she fucking blew up half the city.
2. Dany Kisses A Girl (And Likes It)
Next up is Daenerys, who has finally landed in Westeros. I’m not crying, you’re crying. Dany and company, with freshly minted Hand of the King Tyrion by her side, set up camp at Dragonstone, Dany’s birth place and historically the home of the sitting Targaryen ruler.
From the trailer alone it looks like her army is making great strides across Westeros. There’s a shot of them storming a Lannister property, presumably Casterly Rock, and running across a battlefield while Dragons fly overhead. As the field was green and not covered in 20 feet of snow, it’s safe to assume they haven’t reach the North…yet.
Counting down the days until Sansa and Dany meet and become best friends and braid each other’s hair and discuss the inadequacies of men, can you IMAGINE.
Also on the table: the palpable sexual tension we witnessed between Dany and Yara last season. There’s endless opportunities for romance here if you think about it. Late nights in the war room, sunset dragon rides, co-slaughtering of thousands of men: it’s a recipe for love. If the show doesn’t take us there, fear not, because Fanfiction will. BRB starting first draft of Game of Thrones, Actually.
3. Littlefinger Fuckery
Speaking of the North, it looks like Jon is doing just fine. Our first shot of him is accompanied by “King of the North” chants, which I hope have literally been going on ad nauseam since the last season ended. Sansa is by his side, looking regal af, and Littlefinger is lurking somewhere in the background, continuing his six-season Animorph into an actual rat.
Big prediction that someone who’s never even heard of Game of Thrones could make: Littlefinger is going to spend substantial time this season driving a wedge between Jon and Sansa. The question that remains…will it work? For a bit, inevitably. I’m hoping that it will all be a ruse that ends in Sansa feeding Baelish to wolves à la Ramsey Bolton, but I’ve also been pushing for that since approximately season two.
4. Jon Snow Bangs His Sister
A rumor that has made it’s rounds on the internet is bound to be addressed: Will Jon and Sansa become a thing? Thanks to the confirmation of R + L = J, we know Jon isn’t technically a Stark…but does that matter? I’ve never watched The Fosters, but I’d imagine they have similar storylines if the writers are looking for guidance on this one.
5. Nobody Listens To Daavos
Something that I can 100% guarantee that will happen this season? Everyone will be too busy with their Westeros pissing contest to listen to Daavos’ very real concerns about the army of zombies steadily marching their way. After a shot of Melisandre, who finally abandoned her crush on Jon and has appeared to move on to the other super-hot Targaryen, arriving at Dragonstone, we can only hope that she will be able to talk some sense into Team Dany.
It looks like Daavos might also make the trek to Camp Targaryen, and we all know that Daenerys has a soft spot for old white men who speak in urgent whispers. If he can’t convince her to ally with Jon and take down the White Walkers, no one can.
6. Jon Snow Bangs His Aunt
Speaking of Jon and Dany…is there an opportunity for incest round two? In this case it could be accidental, but also it’s Westeros so maybe not. Nothing solidifies an alliance like marriage, and nothing screams irony like two relatives marrying each other after talking shit about the Lannisters for six years.
7. Arya’s Back, Back Again
Arya will for sure make it back to Winterfell, it’s mostly just a question of when. If it doesn’t happen within four minutes of the first episode, I’m going to McFreaking lose it. Let her and Needle take the world by storm, we are READY.
8. Tons Of Weird Sex Stuff (Obviously)
Despite the multiple jokes about potential incest, it does look like there’s some romance on the horizon this season. We get some quick takes of Grey Worm and Missandei ripping each other’s clothes off, which is only bound to end in an interesting manner.
Reminder: Grey Worm is a eunuch. You know who aren’t eunuchs and are very much shown making out? Yara and Ellaria. Shout out to the ladies who have finally figured out that no man in Westeros is worth the trouble.
9. Mucho Deatho
All the shots of war, fighting, and general murder filled me with enough adrenaline to not sleep for the next three days. Jon attacking Littlefinger, dragons swooping on people who didn’t believe they existed, someone drowning in fiery water, it all means one thing: the war is fucking on. Another prediction I can assure you will come to fruition: a fuck ton of people are going to die, even by Game of Thrones standards.
10. It’s Gonna Be Lit
Only a little under two months until we can all spend Sunday nights the way we were meant to: screaming, sobbing, and praising the ground that Daenerys Targaryen walks on. See you all back here after the premiere. You bring the wine, I’ll bring the commentary.
We’re just a few episodes into Nick Viall’s cringeworthy journey as The Bachelor and we’ve already got a feeling that this season is going to be different from the others. So different, in fact, that we’ve come up with some extremely bold predictions about how it will end—all of which would be firsts for the show. Sorry in advance for any potential spoilers.
1. Nick Viall Places As First Runner-Up
This may seem impossible based on the rules as we know them, but Nick was born to be a loser on this show and losers always find a way to not come in first. Our bet is that his final two girls start dating each other and then Nick promptly bursts into flames.
2. Chris Hansen From To Catch A Predator Shows Up
Most of what we know about Nick up to this point is that he’s emotionally unstable, lonely, and enjoys slut-shaming girls that don’t want to date him. It’s not beyond the realm of possibility that he’s engaged in some legit shady online activities, and how great would it be for rival network NBC to shut this whole production down? Primetime TV at its finest.
3. Nick Goes Into Cardiac Arrest
If Nick does develop “feelings” for one of the contestants who reciprocates them even in the slightest, it’s going to be way too much for his body to handle. Think of how invested—to a stalkerish level—he’s been in girls who openly consider him to be their back burner bro. If Nick develops an actual relationship it could be life-threatening, so we hope his potential wives are as insincere as they appear to be.
4. The Girls Start An Uprising And Demand That Luke From JoJo’s Season Be Brought In As The New Bachelor
It’s no secret that Luke was perfectly typecast as the potential next Bachelor during JoJo’s season, and the contestants on Nick’s season know that. Luke is surely waiting in the wings for his next moment in the spotlight, so if the girls were to revolt even for a few hours, they would probably get their way.
5. A Detox Tea Company Decides To Buy The Airtime For Advertising
This season’s crop of girls “hoping to find their husbands” is barely believable and we all know what they’re really competing for is corporate sponsors for their Instagram pages. Maybe this time the show will cut out the whole fake competition thing and film the cast sipping tea in a platonic circle while encouraging us to start our free trials.
