Memorial Day weekend is upon us which we all know is the “unofficial” start of summer. Why is it not the official start, though? The weather is nice (when it’s not pouring all day), day drinking season begins, and everyone starts wearing less clothing. Quit trying to fool us, inventors of the modern-day calendar. We all know it’s not really spring rn. Aside from the arrival of that holiday everyone confuses with veteran’s day, here are some more signs summer is upon us.
1. Fuckboys Get More Bold
If you’re noticing you’ve been getting cat-called more than you’re used to, it’s not because you’re crazy. It’s because with warmer weather and shorter hemlines come bolder fuckboys. Summer might as well be called “Hey cutie! Loving that sundress! …Oh okay fuck you then bitch, acting like you didn’t hear me? You’re ugly anyway” season. But I guess just calling it “summer” is a lot more succinct.
2. Unnecessary Wine Trends
I don’t know what it is about the summer, but every year it’s like everyone just suddenly discovers wine once late May hits. Newsflash, sheeple: Pink wine has been around all year. I would know this better than anyone since I visit my local wine store on a weekly basis. It’s been there the whole time. All the dick riders will suddenly be posting #RoseAllDay and Champagne pics or Snapchatting sangria, when those of us who are ride or die for our wine just roll our eyes.
3. Pool Floaties Everywhere
I hoped we would have left the pool floatie trend behind in 2016, but much like Donald Trump’s political aspirations, that shit is here to stay no matter how much evidence points to its detriment to society. Pool floaties are already popping up on my Instagram feed despite the fact that there’s been like, maybe three whole days so far when it’s actually been nice enough to go to the pool. Last year it was swan and unicorn floaties; who knows what this year will bring? Mermaids? Unicorn Frappuccinos? Whatever it is, it’s going to be everywhere and it’s going to be horrible.
4. Your Desire To Do Work Is At An All-Time Low
You know it’s summer when your desire to do work is even lower than it is normally—you didn’t think that was possible, but somehow it is. And who can blame you? It’s nice outside, the air conditioning is blasting so high you might get frostbite, and there’s tons of fun shit happening outside. Like, for instance…
5. Governors Ball Is Next Weekend
Since I’m not convinced that non-wizards are actually able to get tickets to Coachella (and take off of work in the middle of March), Governors Ball is the official unofficial start to festival season—and by that logic, the summer. If you’re not going to Governors Ball, get your shit together, Carol! Governors Ball is one of the best festivals in New York City. It’s on Randall’s Island which is within walking distance to most NY millennials aka those of us who live in Harlem or Queens. And none for Brooklyn, bye. JK but there are tons of travel options (like a Williamsburg shuttle for you bougie hipsters) to make it easy for you to get there.
As far as lineup goes, it’s lit. (Yes I’m aware that “lit” is over. I don’t care.) For your rap-loving friends aka your white friends who are gonna try to rock cornrows (don’t let them), you’ve got A$AP Ferg, ScHoolboy Q, Danny Brown, Rae Sremmurd, CHANCE THE MF RAPPER, FUCKING WU-TANG CLAN, and more. Sorry, I need to pop a Xanax before I continue because I’m just too fucking excited. For your EDM friends who are probably crying over the cancellation of EDC NY, you’ve got acts like Marshmello and Flume. There are other artists who don’t fall into either of those categories, such as Phoenix, Lorde, Tove Lo, and honestly that’s not even the half of it. Check out the rest of the lineup here because I don’t have enough space and if I get any more excited I may give myself a heart attack.
There’s also going to be amazing food there (if you actually eat at festivals). Remember DŌ, that viral cookie dough place? They will be there so you can finally get a taste without waiting on a three-hour line. Uma Temakeria will bring their sushi burritos, so you don’t have to choose between eating something healthy or filling. And yes, there’s plenty of vegan, vegetarian, and generally annoying options for all you hipsters who somehow got misdirected to this site and are reading this right now. (Hi.) Check out all the Governors Ball food options here.
I’m sure I’ve convinced you to buy your Governors Ball ticket, but you need to act quickly. Get your credit cards out, because Friday and Saturday day passes are already sold out! Sunday passes are expected to sell out soon, so seriously, buy it now. Or just buy a 3-day pass so you don’t have to choose which day to go. Buy your ticket here, and we’ll see you there.