Cancel the plans to put Melania Trump’s face on a milk carton, because the missing first lady is back in action. It’s been over three weeks since Melanie Melania was last seen in public, but on Monday afternoon, she attended a closed-to-the-press event at the White House to honor Gold Star families, so I guess things are totally fine and normal? Lol jk something weird is definitely going on and I (and the jumbo margarita I’m drinking right now) intend to get to the bottom of it, with some much-needed and well thought out Melania Trump conspiracy theories.
How Did This All Begin?
This all started when the First-Lady-who-never-wanted-to-be-First-Lady went into the hospital on May 14 for a kidney procedure. According to the White House, the procedure was “successful with no complications,” but then she stayed in the hospital for the rest of the week, which set off some conspiracy theory radars, since the most common procedures for benign kidney conditions tend to have you up and out in a day or two. Things started getting more batshit when Donald Trump told reporters told Melania was doing great and “looking at us right there,” and then pointed to an EMPTY WINDOW, and then when Melania’s Twitter account posted a weird tweet about how she was doing that sounded a lot more like POTUS than FLOTUS:
I see the media is working overtime speculating where I am & what I’m doing. Rest assured, I’m here at the @WhiteHouse w my family, feeling great, & working hard on behalf of children & the American people!
— Melania Trump (@FLOTUS) May 30, 2018
Unlike your burnout cousin, first ladies don’t normally disappear for three weeks, so the internet (and I) have plenty of theories about where Melania’s been.
Theory 1: She Got A Face Lift
That “kidney procedure” was totally plastic surgery. Think about it: being married to Donald would give anyone frown lines. It takes way longer to recover from a face lift than it does from kidney surgery, so maybe all this time Melania’s just been icing her cheeks in the dark and wondering why she didn’t marry some other rich guy instead.
Theory 2: She Secretly Moved Back To NYC
I would not be surprised if Melania shimmied down the White House drain pipe (or out the White House sinkhole) in the middle of the night and took herself back to Trump Tower, where she can sit in a gold room and not have to hold anyone’s hand if she doesn’t want to. After all, it’s what she did the first few months of her husband’s presidency.
Theory 3: She’s Taken Refuge With The Obamas
I mean, we all saw that photo where Barack Obama made Melania smile wider at Barbara’s Bush’s funeral than she has in months. Seems like she’d absolutely want to sleep in Barack and Michelle’s spare room, eat their snacks, and remember what it’s like to laugh again. Plus the Obamas are wayyy more receptive to distressed immigrants in need of shelter than the current administration. Sadly, she’s had to return to the White House because, like with parents who kick their kid out of the basement so that they can finally enjoy retirement, the Obamas needed to her to Let’s Move on, even though these were the #BeBest three weeks of Melania’s life.
Theory 4: She’s Doing An ‘Eat Pray Love’
Don’t we all want to eat a bunch of pasta, meditate, and hook up with a hot guy from another country? Maybe Melania’s a basic bitch just like the rest of us.
Theory 5: She’s Out Being Best
Maybe she’s just working really hard on her new “Be Best” initiative. Stopping bullying is v. difficult, especially when your own husband is the biggest bully in America.
Anyways, I guess she’s back now, although since this event is closed to the press, I have my suspicions that “Melania” will actually just be Jared Kushner in a wig.
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We already knew that Trump doesn’t know the difference between HIV and HPV, but now we have confirmed that Trump also doesn’t understand that ghostwriters are supposed to make you look like a better writer. That’s right, fam, Trump tweets don’t all come from Trump. According to an in-depth analysis by The Boston Globe, a team of West Wing employees have figured out precisely how to embody the president’s unhinged Twitter voice and they’re so good at it, I don’t know whether to be impressed or alarmed. For awhile now we’ve known that the only thing liberal on Trump’s Twitter is his use of the exclamation point, but not every poorly-placed punctuation mark comes from his own, golden-haired head. Even though the president has an entire iPhone dedicated strictly to Tweeting, sometimes even Twitter’s biggest fan needs a break. That’s where the Trump tweet ghostwriter come in.
Basically, the process goes down a little bit like how I imagine the British royal family would deal if by some tragic turn of events, toddler Prince George suddenly became the King:
Step one: White House Staff decides on the topic they want Trump to comment on and from there, the team will draft 3-4 tweets in a memo that they think fit Trump’s tone. (Aka: racist grandpa with a smartphone.)
Step 2: Trump will then choose the tweet he likes best and send it off confidently to 52.2 million followers.
So yeah, it’s a pretty short process, but the fact that there is a process at all is alarming. And sure, the first part seems harmless. Most politicians don’t have full control over their social media (remember when Hillary Clinton’s Twitter had that fun little -H- next to all her personally written tweets?) Mitt Romney had a team of 22 people who had to sign off before any tweets on his profile could be sent, and even Obama had a system of hurdles in place to avoid an internet disaster. What makes Trump’s technique creepy is not that sometimes he wants to let other people do the writing, but rather that he’s making them write like a fifth grader on a sugar rush in a toy store.
“Why!!!! Am I the president!? I’m just rich guy. No experience. Quitting today!!! Good luck #FreeMelania”
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If the 2016 election taught us anything it’s that America has no problemo electing a fuckboy. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first time an entitled douchebag was sworn into the Oval Office. In fact, fuckboys have been elected as POTUS since the start. It’s almost like there’s a common denominator. *ehem, old white men* Here’s a ranked list of the top ten fuckboys to ever have lead the free world. Spoiler alert: they’re all racist AF.
Woodrow Wilson
This may come as a shock because your high school history teacher probs forgot to mention that along with leading the US during WWI, Wilson also did a lot of racist BS. He fired a bunch of black workers and replaced them with white people and was v chill with the KKK (he called them ‘The Great Ku Klux Klan’). Not cool, bro.
Calvin Coolidge
Cal Cool is another guy who was probs depicted as a “good dude” in your history books, but he was — you guessed it — racist. He signed the immigration Act of 1924 which restricted immigration from Africa and southern and eastern Europe, and banned the immigration of Arabs and Asians. It was basically the OG Muslim Ban, but like, worse.
Bill Clinton
Sorry, Bill, but you are the defition of a fuckboy. I mean this a man who cheated, lied, and then continued to charm America for years after. Plus, he fucked with the woman, the myth, the legend, Hillary Rodman Clinton. SMH.
Lyndon B. Johnson
Sorry to tell you, but your boi LBJ was another lying, cheating, asshole. Johnson used an incident in which American ships were allegedly attacked by Vietnamese patrol boats as a way to get congress in favor of the Vietnam War. However, historians have found that this alleged attack probs never happened. And LBJ totes knew it was a lie. That’s why his forehead is so big, it’s full of secrets.
George W. Bush
George Dubya has been getting some good press as of late, mostly because his stupidity pales in comparison to Trump. I mean, my ex would look like a GD hero compared to Trump. But lest we forget George W’s fuckboy rep he earned for being a low-key war criminal and starting a war in Iraq based on false pretenses. Which led to major Islamophobia in America. Also his presidency started a recession. Don’t let his cute little paintings fool you, he’s got you on read and still isn’t texting you back.
Andrew Johnson
Tbh I had never even heard of this guy until I started doing research for this article, but turns out he can be added to the list of fuckboys. He wrote in 1866, “This is a country for white men, and by God, as long as I am President, it shall be a government for white men.” Honestly, presidents being racist and having massive hard ons for white supremacy is super derivative. Like, get your own brand.
Andrew Jackson
Ugh, this fucking guy. You may remember him from your twenty dollar bills, or as the douchelord who casually ordered his troops to kill thousands of Native Americans. I mean, he literally caused a mass genocide just because he felt like it. WTF is up with Andrew J’s being raging assholes?
Ronald Reagan
Not only was Ronnie Reag the ultimate buzzkill, he was also supes homophobic. Reagan started the War on Drugs, which, for the record, continues to be ineffective and perpetuates institutionalized racism. As if being Lord of the Narcs wasn’t enough, he also straight up ignored the AIDs crisis, and outwardly opposed the gay rights movement. Boo!
Richard Nixon
And the runner up is…Lil’ Dick Nix. He’s most famous for the colossal fuck up that was Watergate. But he also lied about the Vietnam War, which was apparently a trend amongst presidents. He ran his campaign as an opponent of the Vietnam War, but he needed the war to continue in order for his strategy to work. So, he stalled peace talks in Vietnam, all so he could win the election. Wow, that is some shady BS.
Donald Trump
And the winner is… the Fuck-Boy-In-Chief himself. Honestly, it wasn’t even close. This asshole causes drama on Twitter, is petty AF, and has been accused of sexually harassing/assaulting multiple women. Congrats Donnie, you’re the best at being the literal worst.
Honorary Non Fuck Boy: Obama
To cleanse your palate, we’d like to present you with the ultimate anti-fuckboy, Barack Obama. He respects women, is casually BFFs with Beyoncé and Jay-Z, and he’s fine as hell. Oh, Barry. Sigh. Miss you, love you, mean it.
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It’s no secret that if we were still saying things are our spirit animal (we’re not), Chrissy Teigen would be our spirit animal. It’s also no secret that our current POTUS is a bloated, tang-flavored swamp monster who thinks no one needs health care and transgender Americans aren’t people, but whatever. Needless to say, the two probably wouldn’t hang out. Chrissy has been cyber-bullying the Bully-In-Chief since he was hosting The Apprentice. I mean, sure, my mom taught me not to make fun of people on the internet because my future employer could see it, but, like, I don’t think Chrissy Teigen is losing her coconut water sponsorship or whatever because she’s saying what the rest of us are thinking when it comes to Trump. In fact, I think coming for Trump in his own house (Twitter) has only made Chrissy more popular. Twitter literally loses its shit every time she replies, and considering the President of The United States is so obsessed with tweeting (a sentence I never thought I’d type), he’s definitely reading her replies. I mean, we know that he is because as of Monday night, after 9 years of near-constant trolling, President Trump blocked Chrissy Teigen on Twitter.
Chrissy announced this joyous event in the only way she could – with a tweet, duh:
After 9 years of hating Donald J Trump, telling him “lol no one likes you” was the straw pic.twitter.com/MhZ6bXT1Dp
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) July 25, 2017
Teigen has basically been telling Trump that he’s a virgin who can’t drive since day one. Some of her more fun and quotable mentions include calling him a “lying, sniveling, whining sorry excuse for a human being,” but what was it, exactly, that made Trump block her? Was it all the times she’s reminded him that he’s #old and acts like every horrible, white, racist grandpa in the game.
You are 71 fucking years old. Grow. The fuck. Up.
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) June 28, 2017
Or was it the time that she told him she’d rather be in a Sim world than live with his presidency:
@realDonaldTrump you are so insane that I pray every day I am a sim being played by aliens
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 31, 2017
Maybe it was the time she called him the opposite of Beyoncé, which is basically the harshest insult in the book. Everyone wants to be Beyoncé, including Donald Trump. Probably.
that is what happens when your staff hates you. Beyoncé’s staff are more leakproof than yours.
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) February 14, 2017
Nope, the straw that actually broke the sexist camel’s back was just her telling him that no one likes him (again). Which, I guess, is pretty cold but actually not the worst thing she’s every said. I guess the guy just can’t stand the thought of not being the most popular. Is this why we need a fake commission to study voter fraud that isn’t happening? MMM probably.
So here we are, the end of an era. I mean, not that we think Chrissy will stop roasting Trump anytime soon, but we will miss her direct replies and knowing that Trump is definitely reading them and having his feelings hurt. I guess if we want to hurt Trump’s feelings, we’ll have to find another way. Like, maybe impeachment. Just a thought.
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So Doomsday the inauguration is only a few days away, and Trump is having more trouble finding performers for it than LiLo had staying sober. Not that we would know what it feels like, but we imagine it’s something like everyone telling you they’re sick the day of your birthday party. Trump went from wanting to throw a Spring-Break-in-Miami-level bash to calling it a “soft sensuality” because nobody wanted to attend. We know an embarrassing number of artists have refused to perform such as Céline Dion, Elton John, Garth Brooks, and even Charlotte Church, but who’s clicked “attending” on this shitshow? It’s hard to keep track because everyday something terrible happens, but here’s the list of who’s confirmed to perform thus far for the inauguration day and concert the night before.
3 Doors Down
A band that our older brothers listened to in third grade is performing at the inauguration, which tells us that they had to go back in time just to get someone willing to perform. We vaguely remember listening to them on the radio but we never lined up for tickets. We liked that “Kryptonite” song, but we can’t imagine they were a first choice.
Mormon Tabernacle Choir
This is probably the most famous group on this lineup, tbh, which kind of says a lot. A choir of 350+ members is convenient because even if 90% of them decide to skip out they’ll probably have enough voices to cover every part. Apparently one member did quit after finding out about the gig, saying “I only know I could never ‘throw roses to Hitler.’ And I certainly could never sing for him.”
Toby Keith
I mean, this isn’t that surprising for us, considering his music is very Americana. He is only performing at the concert the night before, which isn’t necessarily better, but at least it’s not as much of an endorsement. When fans got angry, he did say “I don’t apologize for performing for our country or military… I performed at events for previous presidents Bush and Obama and over 200 shows in Iraq and Afghanistan for the USO.” But like, c’mon Toby. We all know this shit’s not the same.
Jackie Evancho
She’s sixteen so we can’t imagine this was her decision. She was a former contestant on America’s Got Talent.
The Rockettes
When the Rockettes were asked to perform, several of them showed outrage online individually. But then their bosses emailed them threatening them that if they didn’t perform they would be kicked off the team. But then other reports said that none of them are actually being forced to perform, and it’s their choice. So, we’re confused.
Talledega Marching Tornadoes
If you know a bro has asked out 10 of your sisters to formal and they’ve all said no, you don’t say yes when he asks you. The Talledega Marching Tornadoes is more like if Trump asked 80 people and they all said no.
There might be a few more added in the next few days, and we wouldn’t be surprised if Tiffany Trump got a spot in there as well. Honestly, we hope she does, can you imagine? If Trump is dealing with this inauguration the same way he dealt with his press conference, we can expect he’ll pay audience members to cheer for him.
