Now that we’re in the second month of summer and the second most important summer holiday is over (National Tequila Day is first, fucking obviously), your Insta game is more important than ever. In order to make up for the fact that you haven’t done shit this summer, like backpack across Europe or anything remotely sophisticated, I’m sure your v loyal followers can assume all you’ve done is swim with basic pool floats and that you may become an alcoholic sooner than later. More likely than not, this is probs the story of your life because there are only so many times you can Insta yourself on a rooftop with a pretty drink without looking desperate AF. Luckily, it’s not socially acceptable to post what you’re actually doing (i.e., sleeping, bingeing Netflix, eating our weight in food) because god forbid people see what a
disappointment to your family loser you really are.
Before summer ends, do yourself a favor and bring out your inner
narcissistic, egotistical self Kim Kardashian with a glow-up so no one knows you wasted the summer away. Here are six essential tips for nailing a solid selfie that will get you triple digit likes without having to do like, 23,456 takes.
1. Find Good Lighting
Um, fucking duh. Although you’ll look like a complete freak running around your house holding your phone in front of your face, your roomie will totally know that you’re just finding good lighting. Because this is like, the most important. Natural light is best for selfies because lamps can make you look yellow and/or diseased. Face a window that gets a lot of sunlight for best results, so that way your skin looks clearer and softer—like what your fave animal Snapchat filter does for you.
2. Choose Between A Crazy Or A Simple Background—There Is No In-Between
As much as you have to look flawless, your background is v important too. Obviously, the better the background, the more likes. If you’re living it up somewhere across seas or jumping out of a plane, make sure to capture a selfie right in the middle of it all. Or if your only background is your bedroom, find a plain wall to sit in front of. This draws (even more) attention to your features.
3. Slightly Angle Your Phone Down, Show Your Left Cheek
Okay, this is like, kind of hard. Everyone wants their phone angled to make them look skinnier, which is the goal, but too much or too little can make you look fucking awkward. Instead of drastically angling your phone downward like you would on MySpace (#tbt), you only want to slightly angle your phone down (that 30 degree rule is real) just enough where it barely looks as though you are. At the same time, turn your head to the right to show off your left side—IDK, science says this is your most flattering side. Don’t forget to put on a ridiculous amount of highlighter to accentuate your cheekbones.
^^^ We could learn a thing or two from Ariana.
4. Try To Look As “Natural” As Possible
This one is a little bit of a lie but, then again, who doesn’t edit their selfies? Nothing is real when it comes to Insta. If you want to smile in your selfie, that’s fine because maybe your ex will think for even a second that it isn’t forced. However, your fans probs want something new, like a sexual smize that doesn’t look like you’re weirdly squinting or having menstrual cramps. You may have to practice your “love is eternal” face but it’ll be worth it, I swear. Do it for the likes.
5. Blue Is Your Best Hue
Whether you’re wearing it, hanging out by the water, or next to a wall, try to incorporate the color blue somewhere in your picture.
6. Wait Until Thursday Anytime From 5-7pm
Lastly, after editing the pic enough that you look like a second-cousin-twice-removed of the Kardashian-Jenner clan, wait to post your picture until optimal posting time. For Insta, that’s usually Monday or Thursday outside of work hours. Unless your selfie shows something worthy of scrolling through from your weekend, don’t post a duckface on Monday. No one fucking likes Monday, everyone is miserable, and I’m probably crying so no, I’m not going to like your selfie. If you wait until Thursday after you get out of work, chances are everyone will like it during their commute home. It’s like, pre-Friday, so spirits are high and so are the chances of getting triple digit likes.
Apparently Instagram poses are now considered trends that change on a seasonal basis, because by having a social media account you’ve unofficially signed up to be on ANTM. The hottest look for summer 2017 has recently arrived and is called
Blue Steele the Bambi, and before you start panicking about how to smile with your eyes while prancing through the air or wondering if you need to hire a group of hunters to kill your mom, we’re here to assure you that it’s really not that complicated. Check this shit out.
According to Elle, the Bambi pose is literally just sitting “thighs over calves” so that you look like a baby deer, obv assuming that baby deer wear designer swimsuits and have six-packs. If it sounds a lot like kneeling, that’s because it was kneeling until Kylie Jenner did it back in January and trademarked the way we’ve all been sitting since our first-grade reading groups as part of the Kardashian brand.
Now a bunch of other “influencers” have taken up this very “innovative” look and it’s officially a certifiable trend that you’ll start seeing in all the usual summer photo ops such as:
On An Inflatable Swan:
In The Grass:
By The Pool:
And On The Beach:
It’s actually too simple of a pose if you ask us, since lots of people are going to be “doing the Bambi” without even trying. My 2-year-old cousin has a better Bambi than I do and my envy over her thigh gap was already starting to affect our relationship. Anyway, the good news is that this pose is very easy to incorporate into your summer repertoire when you don’t feel like fake laughing for candids. At the very least hopefully we never have to hear the word “fingermouthing“—last year’s “hot new trend”—ever again because ew.
Even though New York’s weather is legitimately more batshit than my horoscope is predicting my mood will be this month, the summer season is almost upon us. Which means life is about to be all trips to the Hamptons, rooftop happy hours, and weddings that you pretend to be excited about spending $600 on a plane ticket to attend. And if you’re like me and my friends then you know that the only reason we leave our air conditioned living rooms to do any of this shit is for the Insta.
That being said, group photos are actual sabotage. Half the time I look like GiGi Hadid — you know if she were having, like, a really rough day—and the other half of the time I look like an extra on one of those TLC freak shows.
I mean, how am I supposed to show my ex-boyfriend and that one girl from high school who made fun of my eyebrows that I’m living my best life if not through my Instagram feed? HOW?? Sighs. But this is where I come in, because years of being a wannabe Instagram model have done nothing but prepare me for this article. So here’s 5 tips to always look look good AF in photos:
1. Use More Tongue
Literally words I have never said before but I guess there’s a first time for everything. I picked this trick up from Stylecaster.com because it fucking works. Pressing your tongue to the roof of your mouth while you smile is a V effective way to elongate your neck and jawline. This is important because, as we all know, some days we look we’ve lost three pounds and other days we should just try Sears.
Using this tongue trick is a sure way to banish your double-chins from photos forever. Blessings.
2. Angles Are Everything
Everyone always says this but that’s because it’s fucking true. If you’ve even watched one episode of America’s Next Top Model then you know that Tyra is constantly using this line with the cute Nice Girl from Nebraska who might have the model look but Tyra’s not sure if she has the “it” factor.
That being said, there are two parts of your body that you need to keep in mind when you consider your angles. First, there’s your face aka the constant source of sabotage in my
selfie game life. You should avoid at all costs a direct head-on shot of your face because that’s just asking for you to feel personally victimized in your friend’s wedding album on Facebook. *shudders* Instead, stand a little bit sideways and tilt your chin either a little bit upwards or a tad downwards like so:
Another angle for you to consider is your torso. Twisting your body at an angle and popping a hand on your hip gives the appearance that you are thinner than the two donuts you scarfed down like a rabid animal at your department meeting this morning. It’s a classic look and it shouldn’t be taken for granted—hence why you see every sorority girl in the nation posing this way.
3. Don’t Be Weird With Your Hands
You know exactly what I’m talking about here. There’s always that one friend in the group photo who you tell to “just be natural!” and she inevitably fucks it up by looking like this:
Like, Jesus Christ, Carol, get your shit together. What your hands/arms are doing in a picture is V important to not looking like the home-schooled jungle freak in your friend group. If you want to switch up your pose, try putting your hand in your pockets for a sleeker, more sophisticated look. Or if you’re not sure what you’re doing with your hands, and probs your life, there’s always the classic hands on the hip combo.
4. Cross Your Ankles
This is a classic way to change up your body stance while also making your legs look like Kendall Jenner’s. If you’re one of those that likes to have your friend take pictures of you standing in front of like, graffiti walls in Brooklyn or whatever, then this tip is about to be a game changer for you. Crossing your legs at your calf makes your hips look narrower and your legs look longer.
5. Don’t Copy Your Friends
I swear to god if I see one more SRAT squat photo I will lose my fucking mind. Seven girls huddled together in front of a scenic background? How original.
If you want to be semi-original and not piss me off on social media then for THE LOVE OF GOD pick a different pose from the rest of your friends. Not only will it make you stand out in the photo but it will also give you a personality, something staged group photos are almost always lacking.
At the end of the day I’m not a goddamn photographer so, like, do what you want. But if you use the above tips for all of your Instagram endeavors don’t be surprised if that ex of yours slides into your DMs faster than you can say “I just woke up like this.” You’re welcome.