Look, I’m not a “tech” person, but I bought the iPhone XS. I don’t know what a retina display, or neural engine, or a gigabyte, or any of that sh*t means. All I care about is that I have a phone that receives texts, takes amazing photos, and has a good enough battery to not die when I’m trying to find my way home after day drinking so I don’t end up in bumblef*ck Brooklyn smoking bad weed on a roof with a guy named Asher. Never again. I also need a phone that won’t break if I drop it on the subway while
shoving people texting, and it would be nice if it was water resistant so that when I spill my vodka soda on it, it won’t ruin my entire night. A girl’s gotta have priorities.
Given my entirely reasonable list of demands, when the iPhone XS came out, I bought it, much to the dismay of my parents’ family plan and my bank account. But enough about me. You want to know if you should get an iPhone XS, so let’s make this decision together by answering some key questions..
How Much Does This Sh*t Cost?
There are arguments that you shouldn’t spend your entire rent on the iPhone XS and you should just buy the iPhone 8. It is true, the iPhone XS is about $1,000 and the 8 is only $600. Depending on where you buy it, most places let you do a payment plan rather than having to put the money up front. I did this going to Verizon and ended up paying roughly $134 in the store and then I have monthly payments of $48 for the next 24 months or until I pay off the phone or die, whichever comes first.
Conclusion: The iPhone XS is expensive, but you can always just add it to the list of monthly payments that eat up your paycheck and you don’t know why.
Can I F*ck This Phone up?
If you are a garbage person who breaks your phone regularly, proceed with caution. The iPhone XS is more fragile than Annaliese’s mental state on the last season of Bachelor in Paradise. That’s because the phone is literally all glass, and without a case it will break on the first drop. That said, the iPhone XS is water resistant up to a depth of two meters in case you drop it in a hot tub. (It happens).
Conclusion: The iPhone XS is not for people who regularly drop their phone on the ground while drunk, but it is for people who regularly drop their phone in the toilet while drunk. I sense an important Buzzfeed Quiz coming.
Will It Help Me Flirt?
The iPhone XS also has animoji and memojis that are cute and good for flirting, which the iPhone 8 doesn’t have. With the XS, you can basically send a voice memo from a cute talking pig head or bitmoji of yourself. It makes me laugh, but then again, I have the maturity of a 10-year-old.
For more examples of how the animoji feature can be used, I recommend watching this video ten thousand times:
I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE YELLED AT A GIRL LIKE THIS pic.twitter.com/leFT2QP9xw
— crazy SPOOKED asian (@tribranchvo) September 21, 2018
Conclusion: You need memojis in your life, but no one will ever make a better video than the above video, so don’t even try.
Will It Make Me Beautiful?
This brings us to the game actual changer: PORTRAIT F*CKING MODE. I capitalized it because it is THE ANSWER TO ALL YOUR PRAYERS. Portrait mode takes your photos from cute to America’s Next Top Instagram Model with smart HDR, depth control, portrait lighting with five effects (Natural, Studio, Contour, Stage, Stage Mono), extended dynamic range for video, and cinematic video stabilization. If none of that means anything to you, just know it makes you look like you had professional photos taken without having to pay your sister’s creepy photographer friend to take them for you.
Additionally, you can use portrait mode to take 10-10,000 beautiful, hi def photos of your cat and then make those photos your background on everything. Not that I did that, per se. I’m just saying that’s something that someone with a stunning, perfect cat could do if they wanted to.
Conclusion: Let’s be honest, 90% of the time we are using our phones for social media. We all want our Insta stories and thirst traps to be FIRE, and this phone will do that for you. The higher quality the photo, the more likes you will get, and the more likes you get, the happier you are. And happy people don’t kill their husbands. They just don’t.
Wtf Else Does It Do?
They iPhone 8 and the iPhone XS have wireless charging and the same operating system (whatever that means), but the XS has an HDR display, which basically means your wallpaper looks dope, and you’ll be able to see all the people whose Insta stories you stalk in full detail.
(Note: No matter how hi-def your display is, it does not give you the right to make your wallpaper a photo of yourself. I don’t care if it’s you holding a puppy. I don’t care if it you and your boyfriend—actually, I especially don’t care then. I don’t care if it’s you on a jet-ski with Kim K and North. Just don’t do it.)
You can choose a 64GB, 256GB, or 512GB. I don’t know why anyone would need the 512GB unless you’re making a feature film with your phone or you’re an amateur pornographer and like to keep all your nudes, but whatever. To each her own. (That said, you should probably not store that many nudes on your phone, just sayin’.)
Conclusion: If you care about creating cool content, get the iPhone XS. If you just want a phone for texting, get the 8. Enough said. Don’t @ me.