Before SkinnyPop, we were forced to either stop ourselves from eating a whole bag of popcorn or live with the fattening consequences. Thanks to science and, apparently, a lot of people’s desire to sit with an entire bag of one snack, finish it, then have enough spare calories to eat something else (proud to be an American), SkinnyPop has been gifted to us. Praise be.
I, and many others, will, however, judge you for the flavor of SkinnyPop you love and stock in your kitchen/desk/purse/car. Not all flavors are created equal, and you may need some guidance when it comes to this culinary and snacking masterpiece.
Here is our definitive ranking of SkinnyPop flavors as dictated by me.
1. Aged White Cheddar
I’m not even going to rank the old, shitty, dairy free white cheddar SkinnyPop because a) why would you buy it when you can get one with real cheese and b) this one is like, infinitely better. At what time in your life were you ever able to eat something with real cheese that’ll only clock you in at 47 calories per cup? Fucking never. Take this real cheese dusted popcorn for what it is—a miracle—and fucking enjoy.
2. Pepper Jack
This newish flavor is equally important since it, too, uses real fucking cheese and I can still eat two bags of it (alone) without feeling THAT bad about myself. This makes it v important in the world of food and as a staple in my pantry.
Why eat spicy shit? Cause it totes revs your metabolism and makes you probs skinnier in the process. So, according to science I semi made up for the sake of this article, combining SkinnyPop and jalapeño equals an ultimate diet food that I can eat as a meal replacement pretty much forever. So blessed, so moved. This one doesn’t involve cheese, so it falls to the third spot. But, remember, even if you’re third in the Olympics, you still get a medal.
4. Dusted Dark Chocolate
When you’re PMSing but feel fat but need chocolate or something that reminds you of chocolate you once had, this flavor is for you. It falls to the fourth spot because, well, it isn’t fucking real chocolate that’s only weighing in at 43 calories per cup. If it was, it probs would have snagged the No. 1 spot and accomplished world peace. This one also isn’t THAT sweet—it’s more like a cocoa dusted salted popcorn thing happened. Which, like, fine.
5. Naturally Sweet
Meh. It reminds me of popcorn dusted in fake sugar. It’s an OG SkinnyPop flavor, so some respect is still deserved. But, overall, this popcorn is about as exciting as florals for spring. Clearly, the brave culinary minds at SkinnyPop headquarters realized their mistake with this flavor and gave us the dark chocolate one.
6. Sea Salt And Pepper
If I wanted salt and pepper popcorn, I’d make it myself. Who eats this? Why wouldn’t you just get cheese? There’s no excitement here. This flavor makes it v obvious that I’m eating an air popped snack with like, no calories and, therefore, no flavor. On a positive note, my dog is really good at catching popcorn in his mouth and I think he enjoys this flavor. He also enjoys eating dead earth worms, but I’m not one to judge.
It’s boring. Props to it being like, original. But it’s butter flavored, and fake butter at that. Plus, this one has a tendency to taste old and stale faster than the others—probs cause it doesn’t have shit like jalapeños or dark chocolate to cover the taste of boredom. But still, if it was in my pantry, I’d eat it. Does that say more about me or the SkinnyPop flavor? That’s not for me to determine.
Images: SkinnyPop (7)
Last night marked the beginning of the end, the premiere of the last season of Scandal. Can we please have a moment of silence for Olivia Pope and her incredible collection of winter white coats? **Pause** Thank you. Before I continue, how tf is Scandal ending before Grey’s Anatomy? Are you high, Shonda? Grey’s hasn’t been worth a shit since my junior prom, and Scandal is still amazing. Sigh… I should have gone into television. But back to the point. There’s only one good way to say goodbye to our favorite political DC betch: With her fave meal, aka popcorn and wine. Fucking duh. In preparation for the big farewell, we’ve done a wine pairing for all the SkinnyPop flavors, so you can avoid getting fat off movie theater butter and not look like a total wine newb, by mixing shit that doesn’t go together.
And if you’re wondering who made me wine goddess and how I even know what I’m talking about, I consulted with my friend who’s a level 2 sommelier, so this shit is legit.
1. White Cheddar + Cabernet
Before all you SkinnyPop aficionados @ me about how there’s aged white cheddar and regular white cheddar and which one goes with what, I’m putting them both here, because they’re basically the fucking same. A cab is rich and full-bodied and brings out the intense flavor of sharp cheddar, making it the perfect wine choice for all you cheesy popcorn lovers.
2. Jalapeño + Sauvignon Blanc
This pairing doesn’t just go for popcorn, you can pretty much use this with any type of green pepper-infused food. Sauvignon Blanc, specifically from New Zealand, has bright green pepper notes that complement the spicy jalapeño flavor.
3. Pepper Jack + Rosé
The newest popcorn to join the SkinnyPop fam, pepper jack is a perfect match for rosé. Because jack cheese is extremely mild, you’re going to want a light wine that doesn’t overpower it. Like the jalapeño/sav b combo, the brightness of rosé is great with the heat the peppers bring to the mix.
4. Original + Chardonnay
A buttery chardonnay with buttery original SkinnyPop? Groundbreaking.
5. Naturally Sweet + Riesling
At this point, you’re probs picking up on the idea that you match the flavor of the popcorn with the undertones of the wine. So the sugary Naturally Sweet variety is going to be best paired with a sweeter wine like Riesling. And no. Not a moscato, because that’s disgusting, and you’re better than that. You might as well put fucking Welch’s in a wine glass, if that’s your vino of choice.
6. Sea Salt & Pepper + Pinot Noir
Tbh, you can pretty much pair this with anything, because it’s just a little S&P. Nothing too crazy, flavor wise. But our profesh opinion is that if this is your go-to popcorn flavor, you pick up a nice pinot noir to wash it down. Pinots tend to have a peppery note to them that will enhance the, you guessed it, pepper.