If you felt the sudden urge to be petty af today, or to hit up your ex boyfriend just to confuse him, that’s probably because it is Taylor Swift’s birthday. We’ve seen Taylor grow from a 16-year-old country music star with impossibly curly hair to a 28-eight-year-old pop music graveyard girl with shorter impossibly curly hair. It’s kind of inspiring. Being that Taylor is almost 30 (gasp!!!), it’s probably time she update some of her more teenager-ey tunes to reflect her late-twenties lifestyle. You know, replacing the references to high school with references to LinkedIn, and adding in more lines about how you thought you’d be married or have a house by now, but instead you still have 5 roommates and are trolling for dick on Hinge. Inspiring stuff. 

Anyway, to help welcome Taylor into the world of old millennials, we’ve updated the lyrics to her song “22” to reflect her new 28-year-old lifestyle. It’s a lot less dressing up like hipsters and clubbing, and a lot more putting on sweatpants (because your metabolism has slowed down irreparably and they’re the only thing that fit you right now) and texting your mom about how sad you are. It’s honestly better than it sounds. 

“28” by Taylor Swift (sort of) 

It feels like the perfect night to put on pajamas
And binge watch Netflix uh, uh, uh uh
It feels like the perfect night to but shit off Amazon
And fall asleep early, oh yeah

Yeah, we’re anxious depressed overworked and hangry at the same time
It’s miserable and miserable oh yeahhhh
Oh fuck I realized I forgot all my deadlines, oh shit

Sorry I was late, but now I’m twenty eight
I cancel basically all my plans now, you’re lucky I came out
You don’t know about me, but I’m almost thirty
I don’t really need new friends, but I’ll act fake now ‘cuz I’m twenty-eight (twenty-eight)

It seems like one of those nights
I’m leaving early. This place is too crowded. Too many college kids, uh uh, uh uh
It seems like one of those nights
We Irish goodbye
And drink some boxed wine
Yeah

Sorry I was late, but now I’m twenty eight
I cancel basically all my plans now, so you’re lucky I came out
You don’t know about me, but I’m almost thirty
I don’t really need new friends, but I’ll be fake now ‘cuz I’m twenty-eight 

If there’s one thing that all humans can agree on, it’s that Rihanna deserves to be immortalized. This could be in the form of a statue (motion to melt down every Robert E Lee and rebuild him as RiRi), a national holiday (April 20th is now officially National Rihanna Day), or a commemorative street name. Luckily, at least one of these will be happening in Rihanna’s hometown of Saint Michael, Barbados, where there will now be an official “Rihanna Drive.” About damn time. 

The Ministry of Tourism announced that it will officially change the name of Westbury New Road—aka the street where Rihanna grew up—to Rihanna Drive on November 30th. This glorious event will be commemorated with a two-hour ceremony featuring the Prime Minister Freundel Stuart and starring Rihanna because, duh. Finally, Bad Girl RiRi is getting the recognition she deserves.

TBH, the other queens of pop are going to have a hard time asserting their queendom after this one. Like, luv ya Nicki, but if you want to remain the queen you’re going to need to call up Trinidad and Tobago and/or Queens tell them to install a Minaj Boulevard stat. And like, if there isn’t already a Beyoncé Lane in Houston then wtf is Houston even doing?

Reading, Pennsylvania can chill on Swift Street for now, though. We need to hear this new album before we determine whether or not she deserves it. Also, if Rihanna’s new street is not lined with speakers playing “Shut Up And Drive” at all times, Barbados is fucking around. 

Alright ladies, make sure your 12-year-old self is is sitting down, because we have some sad news to report: Joe Jonas is engaged. That’s right, Joe will finally be turning in his purity ring to marry Game Of Thrones star Sophie Turner. Honestly, I’m not sure which half of this couple is settling for whom. Have we finally found an example of an evenly matched heterosexual couple? Like, for the first time ever in the history of celeb gossip, I can’t think of anything mean to say. They’re just like, two attractive famous people who are going to get married and don’t appear to be actively cheating on each other. Mazel tov.

For those of you who, like me, had no fucking clue these two were dating, here’s some back story. The two have been dating since last November and became Insta official last January. I’m tempted to side-eye how short of a relationship that is before getting married, but whatever, your twenties are for legally binding yourself to someone for life making mistakes.

The couple announced their engagement on Insta, in case you needed more proof they’re a millennial dream team.

 

She said yes.

A post shared by J O E J O N A S (@joejonas) on

Oct 15, 2017 at 10:39am PDT

Turner and Jonas are 21 and 28 respectively, which is like, a fairly legit but still respectable age difference. Scott Disick, take note. Honestly, we’re just excited to see what this means for their future careers. Are we going to get a Joe Jonas Game Of Thrones cameo à la Ed Sheeran? Will Sophie Turner dip her toes into a singing career?

For both of their sakes, I sincerely hope not. 

The 2017 VMAs might go down as the most blatant attempts at shade-throwing per minute since the East vs. West Coast rap wars in the 90s. It seems like everyone and their drugged-out stepmom came to the show with the intention of getting some press squashing beefs. For anyone who wasn’t watching Game Of Thrones actually tuned in last night, you honestly might have forgotten the whole thing was supposed to be about music videos. Honestly, we might as well change the name of the show from the Video Music Awards to the Thinly Veiled Attempts At Making Money Off Fake Drama Statue-Giving Festival. Sure, the TVAAMMOFDSGF doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, but it is definitely a more accurate description of what goes on. So for those of you who turned the show off at 9pm because of GOT didn’t catch all the shade, here’s a ranking of the shadiest moments, from most to least embarrassing. 

Katy Perry To Trump

Look, I’m as much for shading the Trump Administration as anyone (sign up for The Betches Sup!), but whoever told Katy Perry to kick off the VMAs with five minutes of political standup is seriously disturbed. Like, yes girl, we get it, you voted for Hillary. So did a majority of America.

^^^ See. That’s how you throw shade at the Trump Administration. No need for some bizarre story about being on a spaceship that tries to roast fidget spinners, Russian meddling, and Fyre Festival all in one cringeworthy bit. Did anybody else notice how they kept cutting to Ellen during Katy’s opening? I think the camera guy, like all of us, was hoping that Ellen would just jump on stage and take over.

But seriously Katy, in the future if you are looking for seasoned political comedy writers, my email is [email protected] and my rate is $7 Million p/hour. Thanks.

Adam Levine To Lorde

You probably didn’t even realize this shade was thrown because Adam Levine is over it didn’t happen at the actual event, but only-member-of-Maroon-5-anybody-cares-about Adam Levine was not feeling Lorde’s performance, or like, any of the VMAs for that matter. Levine tweeted “Julia Michaels gets cut off while she’s singing and Lorde gets to NOT sing her whole song,” because apparently Adam Levine is a messy bitch who lives for drama. He also tweeted “It’s always exciting to see how utterly horrible the VMAs will be. They really delivered so far this year.” Agreed. But like…damn Adam, somebody seems salty that they didn’t get an invite this year. You’d better chill on some of the industry shade. Any person at the VMAs could take your cushy Voice job in a second. Also, leave Lorde out of this. She had a fucking cold. 

Taylor Swift To Everyone

The most highly anticipated moment of the VMAs was the release of Taylor Swift’s new Monster Mash “Look What You Made Me Do” music video, and she certainly did not hold back on the shade. The whole video was a graveyard smash mashup of all of Taylor’s recent beefs, with digs at Kimye, the media, Katy Perry, Tom Hiddleston, and anyone who has ever wronged Taylor in her lifetime. And if an opening shot of a tombstone with the words “Taylor Swift’s Reputation” wasn’t subtle enough for ya, Taylor brings the whole thing home with a bizarre Taylor-on-Taylor sketch comedy moment where T-Swift (dressed as all the Taylors of Christmas Past) attempts to address all the mean things people say about her, but really just proves she’s like, a terrible actress.

Remy Ma to Nicki Minaj

I mean, of course she did. Remy Ma did not waste any of her .5 seconds of VMA camera time blatantly trying to get some attention dissing Nicki Minaj. I guess Remy needs a new reason for talk shows to book her is still pretty pissed. The VMAs brought in Remy as one of the C-List celebs they trot out to lead into the commercial breaks, and Remy wasted no time trying to make it to the B list by coming for Nicki, adding “Nicki what’s good?” to her outro.

A year-old beef that references a 2-year-old beef?

**rolls eyes so hard I have to go to the hospital**

Fifth Harmony To Camilla Cabello

Perhaps the least subtle shade of the night occurred with Fifth Harmony took the stage. The girls appear with five silhouettes, with one being immediately booted off stage in what was obviously a dig at Camilla Cabello, who left the group last year. Um…yeah…did I say this moment was “shade”? What I meant to say was that this moment was a whole fucking eclipse.

Cersei To Danearys

I mean, we all knew that Danearys was going to show up to the big meeting on her dragon, but Cersei wasted no time shading the dragon queen for her lateness with an epic eye-roll and “We’ve been waiting her a long time” combo—oh wait. This is the wrong show. My bad.

The Game Of Thrones finale was dope, though.

Cardi B To The Police

Cardi B won the “most controversial moment” award this VMAs by using her mic time to shout out kneeling football guy Colin Kaepernick. The up-and-coming rapper took the opportunity during one of her intros to say “Colin Kaepernick, as long as you kneel with us, we’re going to be standing for you.” See Katy Perry, that’s how you do mid-VMA political commentary. You just fucking say what you mean. No spaceships. No bullshit. And maybe a nip slip just to keep things fun.

Honestly, all of these adult babies people should be glad that nobody watched last night because of Game Of Thrones. The whole thing was embarrassing. Except for Cardi B. Cardi B can hang. 

If you ever went on a group trip to any major city in middle school, there’s a decent chance you spent an hour or two at Madame Tussauds wax museum. This was in the pre-selfie era, so you probably ended up with a whole lot of grainy camera phone pictures of you posing with Leo DiCaprio and Shakira. Some of the wax figures are more realistic than others, but people are now angry about some, um, questionable Beyoncé lookalikes. Basically, they look nothing like her. In fact, they kind of look like Julia Stiles in Save The Last Dance. Or like, a cross between Ke$ha and Shakira. Or…well, you know what, why don’t you just see for yourself. 

The first one is at Madame Tussauds in Orlando. She wears a blue sequined robber and some knee-high boots that are definitely cheap fake leather, but the outfit isn’t bad overall. I mean, I’ve never seen Beyoncé wear anything like that but sure, maybe. The biggest issue here is the hair. The bleached blonde wavy look is more knockoff-Paris Hilton than Beyoncé, whose hair is almost always flawless.

The face looks Lindsay Lohan got plastic surgery to look like Beyoncé, but ended up just looking like a fucking psycho. Literally, none of the facial features are remotely right, and the skin is way too light. People have accused Madame Tussauds of whitewashing Queen Bey, who, if you didn’t get the note from Formation, is a black woman. This statue, on the other hand, appears to be of a white woman who probably has at least one photo on insta where she refers to her friend group as “ma n-words” to be funny. In response to the criticism, Tussauds claimed that the lighting was just off in the photo. Yeah, sure. When in doubt, blame it on bad lighting. 

The second one is at the Niagara Falls Tussauds, which doesn’t even sound like it should be a thing. This wax figure is wearing a truly tragic satin dress that looks like it’s from an 80s music video, and we truly only know it’s supposed to be Beyoncé because it’s wearing a name tag.

The hair is more accurate in color, but still limp and tired. The face, however, looks like Mariah Carey but if she starved herself and also turned into plastic. The eyebrows are truly terrifying, and the arms are so skinny she probably couldn’t even hold a microphone. Fucking help.

Last but not least is the Madame Tussauds in Hollywood. You’d think this is where they’d put their best work, but this Beyoncé looks like a cross between Fergie and the lady who got plastic surgery to look like a cat. Her pose looks like she’s checking in the mirror to make sure she shaved her armpit, and the orange and pink dress they put her in should be fucking illegal. Someone help this Beyoncé, she’s lost somewhere between the 70s and hell.

We might never know why these wax figures are so incredibly awful, but we’re pissed about it. Like, how dare they? Kylie just got a literally stunning wax figure, so there’s no excuse. Fucking fix it, Madame Tussaud. This is Queen Bey we’re talking about. 

Today is the one year anniversary of Kim Kardashian ruining Taylor Swift’s life via Snapchat, and you’ll be happy to know that Taylor is now a fully-functioning, completely normal human being who takes reasonable methods of transportation to and from her various appointments. Yeah, no she’s not. Taylor has stayed out of the spotlight in the last couple months, which is why this story is all the more incredible: Taylor may have hid in a suitcase so she wouldn’t be seen by the paparazzi.

A FUCKING SUITCASE.

I mean, I get why Taylor would need to hide from the paps. You know what they say, “People throw rocks at things that shine.” Here’s what we know: Taylor Swift has an apartment in Tribeca. It’s probably scary nice on the inside, but that’s not what we’re here to talk about. The other day, a fleet of cars showed up outside the apartment, and then nearly a dozen security guards helped to move an enormous black suitcase into the trunk of one of the SUVs. They were extremely careful with the baggage, not putting it on the ground even though it had wheels.

So what could it be? Because the internet is the best place in the world, the leading theory is obviously that Taylor herself was in the bag. This is only a theory, but it’s a fun theory and we’re bored so let’s roll with it.

She hasn’t been seen out and about recently, but guests have been regularly coming and going from her apartment. How else is she getting in and out?? Fans are also suspicious because Taylor didn’t host her annual 4th of July party this year, but tbh she probably just couldn’t get anyone to put up with her shit. She’s definitely the girl that takes 40 tries to get the perfect Boomerang.

So was Taylor actually in the suitcase? We may never know, but we fucking hope she was, if for no other reason than her hair would probably look a mess when she got out. Bye Taylor, you’re still a snake.

Katy Perry debuted her new, ultra-short platinum blonde “I just broke up with Orland Bloom” haircut on Instagram this week, and for those of us with a keen eye and nothing better to do in life, it was hard not to think of another post-breakup betch who debuted a very similar haircut on social media way back in 2012. I’m talking, of course, about Miley Cyrus. After a bit of digging, this similarity in styles makes perfect sense, considering celeb stylist Chris McMillan is responsible for both, which begs the question—is the platinum pixie the new official “post-breakup” hairstyle? And isn’t it kind of weird for Katy Perry to be stealing styling tips from a girl a full eight years younger than her? Amber, was that you going through my laundry?

And that’s not to say that Miley owns the platinum bob. That’d be like saying she owns wearing a jewel encrusted marijuana themed onesie. She doesn’t. Marijuana onesies belong to everyone. But it would be kind of weird if Katy Perry started rocking one. And you have to admit, the cuts are very similar, even down to their rollout on social media:

pic.twitter.com/yFjKZbnb

— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) August 13, 2012

 

I WASNT READY TILL NOW

A post shared by KATY PERRY (@katyperry) on

Mar 2, 2017 at 5:26pm PST

It just seems odd for two people with literally the same job and the same hairstylist to now have the same post-breakup haircut. It’d be like if your coworker wore army pants and flip flops, so the next day you wore army pants and flip flops. People are just gonna notice. And the similarities between Perry and Cyrus don’t even end with hair. Let’s break down all the ways that these two women are low-key becoming the same person:

1. They’re Both Really Political

It’s no secret that Katy Perry was basically Hillary Clinton’s on-staff pop star for all of the 2016 campaign. If only she’d come out with “Chained to The Rhythm” then instead of letting Hill play “Fight Song” to death. Maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation. But Miley is no stranger to political issues, and not just surrounding legal weed. After Trump’s win, Miley literally cried on Snapchat, and even before that she’d gone door to door for Hillary. Literally. She showed up at people’s dorm rooms and told them to go vote. Do I smell an anti-Trump “get out the vote” midterm election collaboration song in the future? Could either be great, or terrible. 

2. They Both Have Virginal Backgrounds

Though it’s hard to remember given her newfound love of twerking naked in a pile of molly dust, Miley Cyrus did start out as a Disney star. What you may not know is that before she was showing cleavage on on Sesame Street or getting married to Russell Brand, Katy Perry was a Christian rock singer, mostly to make her pastor dad happy. Funny, that’s the exact same reason Miley did Hannah Montana. Coincidence, or conspiracy? You decide.

3. They’ve Both Had Very Public Beefs With Other Celebs.

As we all know, literal lunatic Taylor Swift wrote “Bad Blood” about Katy Perry after KP stole John Mayer her backup dancer. And who could forget the “Miley What’s good?” incident of 2015? Both stars also opted to respond by half-responding and pretending to be the better person, which is only fun if you’re someone who cares about how they are perceived by the general public.

4. Their Live Shows Are Fucking Crazy.

I mean, do I need to go into this one? Left shark. The Robin Thicke incident. And twerking. So, so much twerking. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if tickets to see either of these women perform come along with a seizure warning. Their performances are basically the experience of being on both molly and acid come to life, and honestly, don’t hate it.

5. They’re Both Kind Of Funny.

Given that a lot of pop stars take themselves way, wayyyy too seriously, Katy and Miley are both low-key kind of funny and don’t mind being the butt of a few jokes. Unlike someone like, say, Taylor Swift, who once said Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were going to hell for making fun of her. Katy Perry, on the other hand, has a cat named Kitty Purry and once posted the following throwback on Insta:

 

I’m proud to announce the cover for my 4th album! – – – – – Happy April Fools! Been plotting in the same type of sports bra from my IM and laminated calendar since 99′ It’s all about the long game…

A post shared by KATY PERRY (@katyperry) on

Apr 1, 2017 at 4:09pm PDT

While Miley went on SNL and said this:

So what’s going on here? Are Katy Perry and Miley merging into one giant technicolor popstar with huge boobs and a weed addiction? Are we perhaps dealing with some kind of Freaky Friday situation? Either way, I can’t wait to get into a relationship again so that it can end and I can finally get the bleach blonde pixie cut of my dreams. I mean, I guess I could do it without the breakup but then what’s the point of racking up all those likes? Just seems wasteful.