As we all know by now, Kourtney Kardashian is dating Travis Barker, and on Wednesday, various tabloids reported that the Poosh founder and Blink-182 drummer got engaged over the weekend in Las Vegas. It’s the kind of shocking news that feels so wild it could actually be true, but I’m unconvinced.
In this case, the “evidence” of the engagement boils down to a couple of vaguely suggestive Instagram captions from Travis’ daughter and a hairstylist. I’m not saying Kourtney and Travis are definitely not engaged, but there’s a lot of guessing going on here. But whether or not the engagement turns out to be real, it’s clear that Kourtney and Travis are very into each other, given the fact that they’ve plastered their PDA all over social media.
While you’re still only putting your man on close friends stories after six months, Kourt has taken the opposite approach, reminding the world on a weekly basis that she and Travis are extremely horny for each other. And good for them! Contrary to what Sex/Life would have you believe, Kourtney seems to be living proof that being a mother with a sex drive won’t ruin your life. I’m happy for them, I really am, but it kind of feels like… a lot. I love love, but you know what I love even more? Two adults who can keep it in their pants for an evening in public.
Now that these two lovebirds may be headed down the aisle at some point, let’s take a little walk down the brief memory lane of their relationship. And by that, I mean let’s rank their posts from least to most egregious PDA.
6. The Risky Hand Placement
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This post kind of gives me grunge Bonnie and Clyde vibes, which is a great aesthetic for Travis and Kourt (minus the fact that Bonnie and Clyde got killed in a police ambush, but I digress). Travis’ hand positioning in each picture really feels like he wants to rip her clothes off, but thankfully for us, they stay within Instagram’s guidelines.
5. The Lap Sit
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Sitting in someone’s lap isn’t inherently suggestive — though mall Santas have always creeped me out — but Travis and Kourtney sort of took things to the next level here. Kourtney’s skirt/shorts/whatever have fully ridden up her thighs, and she’s holding Travis’ hand riiiiiight above her crotch. The first pic gives you the idea, but later in the carousel we actually get a closeup of the aforementioned crotch. Why was this necessary?
4. The Tat Shot
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Giving someone a tattoo may not officially count as PDA, but it’s certainly an intimate activity, and it shows a lot of trust given Kourtney isn’t remotely qualified to be doing this. Has the Health Department seen this?? The final product, a simple “i love you” scrawled over another existing tattoo, actually looks pretty good (not that I’m an expert). But this isn’t their only tattoo bond. Just a couple weeks later, Travis revealed that he got Kourtney’s name tattooed over his heart. I don’t need to remind Travis Barker that tattoos are permanent, but this just feels like too much for someone you’ve been dating for approximately seven months.
3. The Birthday Post
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Back in April, Travis marked Kourtney’s birthday with, what else, a photo of them making out. This isn’t revolutionary, but my main question here is about the body positions. Travis is sitting on the couch, but he’s holding Kourtney up in his arms. Why can’t she just sit on the couch while they make out? Idk, seems uncomfortable to me.
2. The Ass Carry (Clothed)
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This pose is reminiscent of every woman arriving to a date on The Bachelor when she hasn’t seen the lead in 18 hours. We don’t know for sure if Kourtney did the infamous Bachelor run-and-jump, but I’d like to imagine it that way. Travis’ forearms cupping Kourtney’s butt is a lot to take in, but I’m most curious about the recording studio setting here. Was Travis previewing a new song for Kourtney? Is Kourt dabbling in music? Did they have sex on the studio couch à la Insecure season one? I’d like more context, but I’m also grossed out, so I’m good without it tbh.
1. The Ass Carry (Less Clothed)
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When I first saw this picture, I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me. The ass carry thing is enough to handle on its own, but Kourtney’s swimsuit is so tiny that I feel like Mark Zuckerberg is going to take this down at any moment. Also, it looks like they’re in the middle of the desert, so why is Kourtney wearing a bikini? Is there a body of water nearby? And who is taking this picture? I have many questions, but they can all be boiled down to “why?”
Images: Jeff Bottari/Zuffa LLC via Getty Images; kourtneydardash (4), travisbarker (2) / Instagram
Over the last six months, with in-person gatherings largely out of the question, event organizers around the world have gotten creative about how to make things happen during a pandemic. We’ve seen sporting events in quarantine bubbles with no fans, a VMAs show that was a puzzling mix of live and pre-recorded segments, and most of all, a sh*t load of events on Zoom. At this point, I think I speak for most of us when I say that I have major Zoom fatigue, but I might have to make an exception for one very special event later this month: Kourtney Kardashian’s first-ever Poosh Your Wellness virtual festival.
That’s right. Poosh, our favorite wellness site, an online destination that has taught us groundbreaking life hacks like how to eat an apple, is having a festival. The one-day event, which supposedly lasts seven hours—I feel like there will be a lot of breaks—is set for September 26th, and obviously, we have to talk about exactly what the f*ck a Poosh festival entails.
The day is split into three sections: morning, afternoon, and wrap-up. For the morning session, programming will be kicked off with an “Opening Keynote & Matcha Ceremony Led by Our Very Own Kourtney Kardashian.” There’s no information available about WTF a “matcha ceremony” is, but I’m sure it’s going to be life-changing. As for Kourt’s big keynote address, I wouldn’t expect too much, because elsewhere on the Poosh site it’s described as “some conversation” with Poosh Chief Content Officer Sarah Howard. In my mind, a keynote is not the same thing as a quick chat, but hey, who cares.
After worshipping matcha for a few minutes, there’s a “glutes workout,” followed by a “post-workout smoothie tutorial.” It’s unclear whether you’re supposed to make the smoothie along with them, or just sit back and watch. That’s followed by a session on “how to detox your shower routine,” which is something I did not know I needed until now. What’s wrong with my current shower routine? Kourtney, CLEANSE ME. The morning finishes off with a “self-hypnosis” session, which sounds like my worst nightmare. MOVING ON.
The afternoon kicks off with a cooking demonstration featuring “Poosh-approved plant-based milk recipes.” (If that took you a second, they’re not teaching you different ways to make milk, but rather, different recipes incorporating things like oat milk and almond milk.) Great. That’s followed by a “Q+A on all things sexual health,” but there’s no information on who is answering these questions. Is it an OBGYN? A sex therapist? Scott? Unclear. After that, it’s on to a “DIY body scrub tutorial,” and then “tips on how to take the perfect selfie.” What do selfies have to do with wellness, you ask? I certainly don’t know, but I’m sure Kourtney has thought it through.
The final session includes an “expert-led facial and skin care experience” and a “DIY floral arrangement class”, but again, it’s unclear if you’re actually supposed to do any of this stuff at home while you’re watching. Is it BYOF, or will florals be provided? I mean, personally I will be drunk by the evening session, but someone might actually want to arrange their own flowers. After that, there’s a “closing keynote and happy hour” with Kourtney and Khloé, which actually sounds like the only fun part of the day. I hope Khloé gets drunk and spills some tea, because that’s the only thing that would make this day worth it.
If you’ve made it this far and are still considering actually attending the Poosh Your Wellness festival, you’ll be pleased to know that the general admission tickets are only $25. Personally, I was expecting them to massively overcharge for this day of glorified YouTube videos, but I think $25 is pretty reasonable. The VIP tickets, however, are set at a much higher $250. For your extra coin, you’ll get a gift bag allegedly valued at over $300, as well as a Zoom Q&A with Kourtney before the event. Sounds… not worth it. Just book a Cameo for that money.
So uhh, grab your tickets now if you feel like it, or don’t, and wonder what you missed out on for the rest of your life. Personally, I’ll be spending the next week trying to figure out what a matcha ceremony is, and whether my mental health can withstand actually attending this event.
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Images: Dimitrios Kambouris / Staff/Getty Images
It’s been several months since Kourtney Kardashian launched her Goop knockoff lifestyle website, Poosh, and I’ll be honest, I haven’t really kept up with it. Sorry, but my personal self-care routine doesn’t include taking advice from someone who put up with Scott Disick’s bullsh*t for that long. But Poosh has kept on going, and today I randomly decided to take a look at what content Kourt has been putting out lately. Surprisingly, I was not that impressed with what I found! But like, not in a good way.
Along with some questionable pseudoscience, Kourtney’s site is full of all the lame beauty, food, and ~wellness~ content you’d expect. Amid tips on the best “clean-ish bronzers” and an article in which Kourtney chose her own perfume as her “Pick of the Week,” one piece on Poosh stood out to me as especially non-life-changing. Let’s discuss Poosh‘s groundbreaking work of journalism, “3 Ways to Enjoy Sliced Apples This Fall.” I can already smell the Pulitzer Prize.
Don’t be fooled by the article’s classification as a “Recipe,” because there is absolutely no cooking going on here. In fact, there aren’t even any instructions on how to slice the apples. While the article claims that you get more flavor if you “strategically slice” an apple, there’s no reference to the actual strategy here. Right off the bat, I feel cheated. Kourtney, you gave us your legendary technique for eating a Kit Kat, and I need the same level of instructions for how to slice an apple!
Within the first paragraph, it becomes apparent that this article is sponsored by an apple brand called Envy Apples. I guess I never really realized that there were different brands of apples, other than the fact that golden delicious apples are trash. Come for me in the comments, see if I care. In the article, the “experts” at Envy Apples are quoted as saying, “When eating an apple by the slice, a person tastes more of the sweet flesh than skin, and tastes the flesh first, which emphasizes the flavor in the experience.” Personally, I prefer biting into a whole apple like an animal, but whatever, it’s not that deep.
Here’s one of the (blurry AF) photos that Envy Apples provided for the article, and the apples aren’t even sliced! I really feel like we’re getting mixed signals here.
Let’s get to the three ways that sliced apples are going to change your life. Guys, are you ready? I don’t think you’re ready.
First, we have “A deconstructed version of a Waldorf salad.” The Poosh article neglects to explain what a normal Waldorf salad is, so let me explain for us uncultured swine who can’t remember every fancy salad by name. A normal Waldorf salad consists of chopped apples, grapes, walnuts, and celery, all mixed with mayonnaise. Not really for me, but it’s a classic. According to the Poosh article, you should “make the apple slices the hero of the salad instead of hiding them among other ingredients.” Um, I’m not exactly sure what they want us to do here. Am I supposed to just eat a plate of apple slices with grapes and a whole stalk of celery? Do I just arrange all those items separately on a plate, and dip the ingredients in the mayonnaise (vom)? There is not enough information here. But upon further examination, do I even want more information?
The second idea is “Rethinking the cheeseboard.” You guessed it—Kourt wants you to put apple slices with cheese. Revolutionary concept, nobody’s done that before. Here’s the entire description: “Rather than apple slices being left out or put to the side, highlight the spectacularly sweet flavor of Envy apple slices by placing them among your favorite artisanal cheeses.” I’m literally getting dumber reading this. God forbid that apple slices get left out! This actually could have been a decent suggestion if they had included some specific cheeses that pair well with the apple slices (off the top of my head, cheddar), or maybe a jelly or dip to go along with them, but no. Just place them on the board, and you’re done!
And moving right along, the third tip in the article might actually be the most underwhelming one, which is saying something. You’ve probably never thought of this, but you can “Replace unhealthy chips with apple slices.” Omg, SUCH a good idea! But honestly, this barely even counts as an idea. At least the other two involved pairing the apple slices with other foods, but this one is just… eating apple slices. Telling me that I can’t have chips isn’t going to make me enjoy the apple slices more, it’s just going to make me depressed.
So, in short, Kourtney Kardashian’s three revolutionary ways to enjoy sliced apples this fall are all… just eating sliced apples. Personally, I’ll never be the same after reading this article, and I really hope that Envy Apples feels like they got their money’s worth out of this sponsorship deal. How will you be enjoying sliced apples this fall? Do you prefer your apples whole? Let us know in the comments! But actually, lmk if you want me to roast more Poosh content, because I’m telling you, this whole website is a treasure trove.
Images: Shutterstock; envyapples (2) / Instagram
For weeks, Kourtney Kardashian has been teasing POOSH, her mysterious new lifestyle project. We explored some of the possibilities of what POOSH could be, but now we can finally stop wondering. POOSH officially launched today and…it’s basically just Kardashian-themed Goop. Well, I can’t say I’m surprised, but I was hoping for something a little more exciting than this. I’m actually a little salty, because I signed up for the email list to be notified about the launch, and then I never even got an email! I really need to be on top of the latest POOSH news, so I feel like Kourtney and her team have let me down. But whatever, I’m still addicted to this sh*t. In honor of all of Kourtney’s hard work and dedication poured into this project, let’s take a little tour of the POOSH site and see what her new lifestyle brand has to offer.
Upon heading to POOSH.com, the first thing showcased on the homepage is an interview with one other than Kris Jenner. The title of the post is “Kris Jenner On What It Takes To Be A Boss,” except they’re trying to do something interesting with the capitalization of words, so the title is actually “KRIS JENNER on What It TAKES To Be A BOSS.” I’m tired already, and I haven’t even watched the 11-minute video interview yet. The video is actually super awkward, because Kourt and Kris are sitting on a couch that’s obviously like, in the corner of one of their houses. The audio quality sounds like they’re underwater, and it’s obvious that this sh*t has a lower production budget than Kylie’s makeup tutorials.
In the interview, Kris yells at someone who coughs off camera, and she also shares some important info on how she’s such a boss. Here’s a quick rundown of what Kris Jenner’s typical morning looks like:
- Wake Up 4:30am (and for that reason, I’m out)
- Coffee
- Treadmill & Read News
- Shower
- Glam
- Film
So basically, her life is just like yours! I’m sorry, but if I have to wake up at 4:30 in the morning to be a boss bitch, it’s just never going to happen for me. I could get down with glam every morning, but that wakeup time just isn’t meant for me. After watching Kris’ mildly insightful interview, I looked at the “Related Article” suggestions, and quickly noticed that every single one is about Kourtney. Here’s a sampling of POOSH’s groundbreaking content:
“What Kourt Does Before a Big Night Out”
“Clean Beauty Products Kourt Uses Every Day”
“How Co-Sleeping Has Worked For My Family”
“The Items Kourt Always Travels With”
“Kourt And Her Friends Get A Dr. Diamond Insta-Facial”
All of these sound like great articles, but instead, I decide to check out Kourt’s “TRAVEL DIARY: Punta De Mita.” Kourtney is rich AF, so are her travel diaries stuff she actually does, or are they meant to be more accessible? Turns out, the answer is NEITHER! Kourt’s “Travel Diary” consists of two short paragraphs about how much she loves Mexico, and then a bunch of pictures of her in various swimsuits. She does say the name of the resort she stayed at, but that is the only piece of useful information in the entire post. If you’re looking for a travel guide that’s more than 160 words, check out our new Vegas Bachelorette Guide—take notes, Kourtney!
After learning about all the natural wonders of Punta De Mita, I only have the mental capacity for one more of these articles, so after scrolling past “Cool Books For Your Coffee Table” and “Ingredient Spotlight: Turmeric,” I decide to check out an article titled “How to LOOK GOOD NAKED.” (More of that capitalization I love!) Aside from telling me to hit the gym several hundred times, I’m eager to find out what tips Kourt has for tricking people into thinking I’m hot.
In the intro, Kourtney reminds us that “the most important thing to remember is to love the skin you’re in,” and the way to do this is apparently by buying a lot of stuff. The article is a glorified product list that’s split into five wildly varied categories: Scrubs, Body Creams, Hydration, Lighting, and Posture. The “Lighting” section is just a bunch of candles, so clearly the secret to looking good naked is to be in a completely dark room. Finally, a piece of advice I can actually use! Almost all of the candles are over $50, so looking good naked comes at a cost. Thanks for the hot tips, Kourt!
Throughout the site, there’s consistently a banner ad for the POOSH Instagram account, and it’s deeply unsettling. It says “WE GIVE GOOD GRAM” (not a thing), and is accompanied by a couple poorly outlined cutouts of lips. Are they Kourtney’s lips? Why? I’m not going to follow POOSH on Instagram for a multitude of reasons (mostly my ratio), but these lips are really not doing anything to persuade me.
Overall, my impression of POOSH is not that positive, but not that negative either. Basically, it’s the same thing the Kardashians tried to do a few years ago when they all had their own apps, but now it’s in website form. At least this time it’s free. I won’t deny that Kourtney is in great shape, has a great life, and seems to be reasonably knowledgable about living a healthy lifestyle, whatever that means. I’m not sure she’s a gifted writer or interviewer, but she’s rich enough to do what she wants. For me, the main issue is that I’m never going to feel okay about saying the word “POOSH” out loud.
Images: @kourtneykardashian / Instagram; POOSH / YouTube; POOSH (2)
While my editor is taking a nap from covering the tidal wave of Kardashian Kontent that won’t seem to end, I’m taking the liberty to address the latest earth shattering news from the Klan: Kourtney Kardashian FINALLY has a REAL JOB. Kourtney has been low-key on the track towards joining the workforce, starting with her press tour advocating for makeup and household products with less toxins. Kourtney stepped it up yesterday by announcing she has a new project coming soon called “Poosh.” It’s a project that’s named after her daughter, which means P has ascended to the role as Kourtney’s favorite child. Sorry, Reign! It’s really touching to see that Kourtney and Penelope have settled their differences and come a long way since Kourtney slammed a door in Penelope’s face. Thanks, family therapy!
Kourtney posted this nearly nude photograph of herself with absolutely zero context and no allusion to what the hell Poosh is. So mark that as the first time the Kardashian family has ever left something to the imagination, like, ever. If you go to the Poosh Instagram account, you’ll notice it’s basically just a grid of the same photo above, with more images of Kourtney Kardashian superimposed in. There’s a link to “get on the list”, and not much else. Interestingly, the account has 2.2 million followers already, even with no information about it, and yet I’ve been trying to break 2,000 followers for the past few months and I actually post fire memes. It’s fine, I’m fine. But then I noticed that the @poosh account is just the old dash account, and it put everything into perspective. I was wondering what happened to that account
After a deep dive on this upcoming project—I checked out the “Poosh” trademark online and saw what it was for (and then Us Weekly wrote about it after, so it really wasn’t worth the effort)—I learned it’s a website that has blog posts about a wide range of subjects from entertainment to health to parenting. Basically, it’s just a website version of her old app that got shut down. Hopefully, this site won’t be subscription based and won’t have posts that are about things we already know encompassed into three sentences.
This family is all about bringing the drama, so I really think this lifestyle website is a step in the right direction to keep the Kardashians in the headlines. Think about it: Gwyneth Paltrow’s website gets backlash, like, all the time. From doctors with legit PhDs to representatives of culture’s she’s re-appropriated to f*cking NASA, Gwyneth has offended more people than any Sascha Baron Cohen movie or South Park episode ever could. So imagine how many mommy-shamers and fit chicks will get offended by this website. People who need to get a grip plus the Kardashians is a beautiful equation for trashy-chic gossip that you know will make me feel way better about myself than any yoga retreat or green juice cleanse ever could.
I love oil enemas! I recommend them to all of you freaks…trust me when I say life changing! #kktny
— Kourtney Kardashian (@kourtneykardash) November 28, 2011
Will this lifestyle website inevitably lead to us entertainment writers developing Xanax addictions to deal with the never-ending, overwhelming influx of more Kardashian gossip? Probably. Looking forward to your clickbait on gluten-free, dairy-free enemas and $5,000 festival wear that plagiarizes crafts made by the Navajo tribe, Kourt!
Images: kourtneykardash / Instagram; kourtneykardash / Twitter
