Hey girl, wanna quarantine & chill? Welp, hope so, because you don’t have much choice. Trump has urged Americans to limit gatherings to 10 people or less. Quarantining ourselves will help keep COVID-19 from spreading, and it’s especially important for young people to take on this responsibility, as we are often carriers who can spread the virus unknowingly to elders or people with other health conditions, who are more likely to experience serious effects from the disease.
While some of us are working from home, and many of us are stuck without work or paid time off (send love and cash to any service workers/independent contractors you can!), most politicians are still out in these streets. I guess they have a duty to fulfill in these dark times…let’s see if they can rise to the occasion.
But since we’re home, we’ve decided to spend some time coming up with how some of our most beloved and most despised politicians would spend their quarantine & chill time. Let the games begin!
Bernie Sanders
Bernie is going to take this time to get set up on the Youtube so he can continue making videos once again asking for us for our financial support. His wife, Jane, will be his videographer, and they will go widely unseen since Bernie doesn’t realize it’s all about the TikTok at this point. He will ignore Hulu’s repeated recommendation that he stream “Hillary.”
Bernie will also, of course, take this time to really lean into his bedhead and socially distance himself from any type of hairbrush or comb. Jane supports him in this journey because their love is pure.
Elizabeth Warren
Liz will be damned if this quarantine stops her from being productive. She’s color-coding her closet, reorganizing the food pantry, doing her friend’s taxes, and making spreadsheets simply for the fun of it.
If she, her husband, and Bailey want to watch a movie? You bet your sweet ass Liz has made a PowerPoint presentation breaking down which options are best and why.
Liz will, of course, continue coming up with bulletproof political plans that will go underappreciated by the American public.
Mike Pence
Things are finally as God intended: Pence is at home with Mother, away from any other nasty woman’s presence.
Here, Mother can provide Pence with the 8 glasses of warm, whole milk he requires per day, while she reads him the Hyde Amendment (the legislative provision barring the use of federal funds to pay for abortion) out loud to soothe him. All is well.
Mitch McConnell
Mitch McConnell will treat social distancing the same way he treats his time on Capitol hill: by ignoring the many bills currently on his desk that could literally save lives. He and his wife, Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao, will further map their path to corrupt the federal entire government until McConnell is exposed to the virus, after which he will retreat back into his shell to self-quarantine for 14 days.
Joe Biden
Tbh who fucking knows, but I can confidently predict he would go on live TV and say something like, “I spent my quarantine time like I did every Christmas as a kid: riding my tractor down to the graveyard to have chicken fights with Ol’ Man Popsicle Stick, who, have you me, under many things, as they say, would not, on account of, you know, the thing.”
AOC
No amount of social distancing can stop this content queen from setting Twitter ablaze with her hot takes. Anyone with a bad take is getting retweeted WITH comment and dragged to clap back hell.
No internet troll is safe. No conservative commentator can hide. She’s coming for you.
Susan Collins
Hopefully sitting in a corner and thinking about what she’s done. And then regretting it.
That’s all I’ll say on that.
Brett Kavanaugh
Speaking of Susan Collins…
You just KNOW Brett is the guy who is going out to crowded bars and getting blackout, even after we’ve been told to socially distance ourselves.
Nothing can stop him from going out with his boys Tobin, Squi, and P.J.!!! Time to chug some beers and FSU because this is AMERICA and no one can tell him no (and if they do it will not compute).
RBG
A GoFundMe has been put together to provide RBG with a glass box, a la the one Joe locks his victims in in You, but obviously less creepy and fully equipped with everything Ruth needs for her daily workouts.
Food and water will be brought to RBG by a person in a hazmat suit, who will deliver it through a small opening in the box. Again, much like Joe from You, but with the intent to keep this woman tf alive, not to kill her. She is routinely let out so she can be measured for the top-secret, Bloomberg-funded RBG clone that we are definitely not making.
Cory Booker
Cory Booker gets to spend his quarantine time the way we all wish we could spend ours: with Rosario Dawson. The two are finally together without the distractions of his busy political life and her busy celebrity/being a perfect person life.
With this extra free time, Cory will of course continue to pursue his passion of tweeting out bad jokes about coffee. Fuck it, he might just turn it into a passion project and make a coffee table book full of lame coffee jokes. The perfect present for all of our dads.
"Sleep" and I broke up a few nights ago. I'm dating "Coffee" now. She's Hot!
— Cory Booker (@CoryBooker) May 29, 2009
Maxine Waters
Maxine Walters will be reclaiming her time, tyvm.
Donald Trump
Social distancing as president is what Trump had always thought this job would be like. He’s locking himself in his room, ordering all the McDonald’s fish fillets in the greater D.C. area, stockpiling Diet Coke, and watching Fox News.
Melania is pretending to have COVID-19 as an excuse to not be near him.
At long last, peace, quiet, and a lack of total responsibility. America is finally great again.
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Images: Giphy (5)
President Trump loves to use Game of Thrones memes to get his point across (see above), and for once he might actually be making a logical comparison. American politics are just as ridiculous as the goings ons in Westeros these days, the main difference being that there aren’t as many hot people involved. So, in the spirit of that, we’ve created the definitive list of Game of Thrones characters and their American political counterparts. Groundbreaking, we know.
Jon Snow = Beto O’Rourke
Just a couple of QT’s who can’t stop giving speeches when no one asked them to. These guys are solid dudes with their hearts in the right place, but at the end of the day their game plans just aren’t very impressive. Sure, they’d look fine as hell on the throne and I would gladly have sex with them both (at the same time or separately), but there’s more to ruling than having thicc hair and an edgy past (Jon died that one time and Beto was in a band).
Daenarys Targaryon = Hillary Clinton
Is it her time to rule? Every person on Facebook has an opinion about it and 99% of the takes are based on misogyny. That’s the case for both of these fierce blondes. Dany and Hill both feel their right to sit on the throne is undeniable, and often don’t listen to reason when it comes to strategy. Burning people alive and ignoring Wisconsin on the campaign trail aren’t a good look, but try telling that to these gals. They’re both big on military, have badass dragon vibes, and people can’t stop writing think pieces about whether or not they’re likable.
Arya Stark = Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
TFW you need a woman to come in and save us all. Arya Stark and AOC are both 100% that b*tch, and they aren’t here to make friends. Watching Arya on the battlefield and watching AOC drag everyone’s ass on Twitter/Capitol Hill give me the same feeling: pure bliss with a hint of erotica. In this case, the Night King is a metaphor for the nightmare that American politics has become, and AOC is here to slay that shit.
Ice Dragon = Kellyann Conway
This is simply to say that she’s constantly spewing fire-ice-garbage that is ruining everything. Case closed.
Bran Stark = Mike Pence
“I’m going to go now.”
Like what exactly is your job, bro? What are you doing with your days??? And why do you speak like you’re reading the back of a shampoo bottle??? Also what are you doing when your eyes are closed like that? What material assistance did you provide? I HAVE QUESTIONS!
Sansa Stark = Nancy Pelosi
You know what, we all underestimated them. We thought they weren’t tough enough and couldn’t hold their own, but jokes on us, b*tch. Nance created the “f*ck you clap,” and Sansa is queen of the “f*ck you eyebrow arch/ lip purse combo.” We stan.
Little Finger = Mitch McConnell
These slimy motherf*ckers. They’re both always scheming, resemble turtles, and seem to thrive by lurking in the corner and making facial expressions that look like they just smelled a fart.
Joffrey = Donald Trump
I know this isn’t the most original take in the world, as there have been plenty of memes made with the same comparison, but it’s just too accurate. Two big babies who were given too much power and are constantly dating women way out of their leagues. The worst.
Brienne of Tarth = Elizabeth Warren
It’s always a woman who is indisputably the best in her field and yet doesn’t get the recognition. Brienne and Liz are out here slaying the game, and somehow still not doing well in the polls/getting stood up a by one-handed man who fucked his sister. No justice in this world SMDH.
Cersei Lannister = Melania Trump
Okay, this one was hard. There’s really no true match for Cersei Lannister, but Melania comes close. Like Cersei, she’s a stone cold b*tch who dates down and “loves her kids.” They both rock the icy stare, and at the end of the day, they’re women who hold more power than people assume, which they use to their advantage. Also, like Cersei, I assume Melania uses a lot of wine to get through the day.
Tyrion Lannister = John Oliver
Here’s a fun one. Tyrion and John Oliver provide us with comedic social commentary during these times of political unrest. We could not survive without them, and their accents 100% add to their charm. Cheers, bois.
Qyburn = Stephen Miller
Two virgins whose only hobbies are making other people suffer, end of discussion.
High Sparrow = Steve Bannon
Both of these sick f*cks are obsessed with “cleansing” the population, even though they’re the ones out here looking like decaying scabs with limbs. Luckily they were both cancelled a couple of seasons ago.
Ned Stark = Barack Obama
There was a time when these two hot dads were keeping the peace in the world, and thinking back on it is v painful. We miss you, we love you, we’re sorry we failed you.
Random drunk guy in background = Brett Kavanaugh
Literally anytime there is a scene at a pub in Westeros, spot the drunkest guy in the background and that is your boi Brett.
Images via Giphy (15), Twitter @RealDonaldJTrump (1)
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
You’d think after Tina Fey helped her be the funniest woman of 2008 that Sarah Palin would be used to being taking a joke. After comedian Sacha Baron Cohen used her for his new Showtime series, “Who is America,” set to premiere July 15th at midnight, Palin is one unhappy Alaskan. When Cohen prank-interviewed her disguised as a veteran, Palin took to Facebook and wrote, “Yup – we were duped. Ya got me, Sacha. Feel better now? I join a long list of American public personalities who have fallen victim to the evil, exploitive, sick ‘humor’ of the British ‘comedian’ Sacha Baron Cohen, enabled and sponsored by CBS/Showtime.” Ok, Sarah, just because you don’t think a comedian’s joke is funny doesn’t mean you have to put quotation marks around the word comedian. It’s not like I’m calling Trump the “president.” Ok, maybe I am…
Palin’s distaste for the way Cohen and Showtime handled her and her daughter’s interview continued as she described sitting through “a long ‘interview’ full of Hollywoodism’s disrespect and sarcasm – but finally had enough and literally, physically removed my mic and walked out, much to Cohen’s chagrin.” Damn, what is a Hollywoodism? Also, did Sarah Palin just try to beat Obama’s mic drop? You can’t do that with body mics, Sarah!
Palin reported that the production company purposefully dropped her and her daughter off at the wrong D.C. airport so that they would miss their flight back to Alaska, which would be pretty petty for a major television network. To compensate for her humiliation and inconvenience, Palin suggested that the proceeds of the show be donated to “a charitable group that actually respects and supports American Vets.”
While most of the details about the show’s concept are still under wraps, Cohen tweeted two teasers for the series on Twitter, one of which features former Vice President Dick Cheney being asked to sign a waterboarding kit. Cheney, who told “Meet the Press” in 2014 that waterboarding was “not torture,” agrees to sign the kit and says, “That’s a first. That’s the first time I’ve signed a waterboard.” So. Looks like it’s pretty safe to say this show will be amazing.
— Sacha Baron Cohen (@SachaBaronCohen) July 8, 2018
Palin ended her Facebook rant with a spicy stab of “By the way, my daughter thinks you’re a piece of ****, Sacha. Every honorable American Vet should feel the same.” However, Showtime CEO David Nevins defended Cohen and the series adding, “He is the premier provocateur of our time, but not for the sake of ‘gotcha’ moments. Behind the elaborate setup is a genuine quest for the truth about people, places and politics.” Hell yeah, this sounds like “60 Minutes” meets “Between Two Ferns.” Now let’s just hope he edits Tina Fey into the interview after Palin’s mic drop.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
Last week, one lucky (then not so lucky) Senate intern got to say what we’ve all been thinking for a long time: “Mr. President, fuck you!” The 21-year-old hero female responsible had been interning for Sen. Maggie Hassan, a Democrat from New Hampshire, when she shouted the insult at Trump from behind a roped off area. But don’t worry – Trump definitely heard her. Since the incident, the intern was confined Senator’s office space but not fired because why fire someone for doing the Lord’s work? Sadly, not everyone agrees that the intern’s actions were iconic justified. Now mad people are pissed that a government intern insulted the President and Capitol Hill Police got involved. Yep. That’s right. An intern said “fuck you” to Trump, and the police got involved. Why? It’s not like she was an 8-year-old selling water.
WTF The Police Were Involved?
Turns out Capitol Hill does not take pranks and joking lightly, like at all. When the intern heckled Trump, it’s apparently considered a threat to THE President of THE United States… who knew? So Capitol Hill Police (yes, they have their own police force) had to track down the young lady and then decide if she was a threat or not. Wait, so saying “fuck you” to Trump is considered a threat to the president’s life? Brb…I have some tweets to delete.
Luckily, Capitol Police were reasonable and determined the 21-year-old intern was not a threat, she was just fed up with Trump’s shit. Same. She was suspended for a week and had her Congressional intern badge revoked, but will ultimately keep her job. Because in 2018, yelling “fuck you!” at the president is not nearly the most offensive thing to happen in D.C. on any given day.
(Side note: If you ever call a member’s office and say “threatening things” about them or POTUS the Cap Hill Police will investigate you, so prob don’t prank call your senator or rep.)
WTF Do Congressional Interns Even Do?
So all of this begs the question “what do Congressional interns even do?”, because this girl being confined to her office sounds a lot like getting sent to your room. TBH being treated like a kindergartener sounds about right for an intern on Cap Hill. Most of them are college students, or recent grads that told their parents “One day I’ll be president!” So now they open mail, answer phones, and do other maintenance work. Congressional interns do have a lot of responsibilities for unpaid college students though, and access to plenty of restricted areas so obv they are going to do some dumb stuff.
Here’s a list of the Top 3 Dumb Things Congressional Interns Do:
- Get lost – They all have badges giving them access to the basement tunnels in order to get around and make deliveries/ run errands. It is like putting a rat in a maze and forgetting to put in the cheese. During the summer seeing a 20- something looking lost is just Tuesday.
- BS About Historical Details – Interns are responsible for giving personal tours of the Capitol Building to district guests. There’s a booklet and some training on how to do this, but we already know they all get lost and how can one intern know every detail of the building? It’s a running joke that interns will make up facts and dates, while unknowing visitors ooh and ahh. In reality the intern has no idea what they are talking about.
- Get Lit – There are free happy hours thrown on Capitol Hill by interest groups almost daily for staffers and interns always sneak in. You are putting free alc in front of unpaid college kids… yeah it doesn’t always go well. Every staffer can tell which young group of interns snuck into a happy hour the night before when they show up hungover AF.
Interns are always making mistakes, but yelling at the president was 100% not a mistake and pretty brave to do (but also a little stupid). At the end of the day, letting the intern keep her job was the right move, and anyone who thinks she should have acted more professionally may want to take a look at the President’s tweets.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
A celebrity running for Congress? As if! Just kidding of course. That is the modern hell we live in and to bring us to a deeper level of it, Stacey Dash has thrown her fashion-forward Beverly Hills hat in the ring. The former Clueless star who took a disappointing turn from fierce to Fox News correspondent, has filed papers to run for Congress in California’s 44th district. The district, by the way voted overwhelmingly for Hillary Clinton so, uhm good luck Stace!
For those of you who’ve been too busy living your life to follow the has-been actress, Stacey Dash has been on the wrong side of many issues for awhile now. She’s been vocal about disbanding Black History Month and has said that transgender rights infringe upon her own. These banner opinions got her a gig as a Fox News personality, but even they didn’t keep her around for very long. Her contract wasn’t renewed. Sad!
In a pathetic attempt to remain relevant, she’s now running for Congress. She’s also claims that lots of people on and off line are telling her to. In all likelihood, they’re probably just like, “please keep busy doing something that isn’t just talking to be all the time.” Though she has yet to make an official statement about her candidacy, she did tweet about her interest to run earlier in the year with a way-tacky button.
A number of people online and off have suggested I run for political office. I wanted to see what my online community thinks of this idea as I mull the possibilities. Thoughts? pic.twitter.com/L71fF0NnXR
— Stacey Dash (@REALStaceyDash) February 9, 2018
C’mon, Stacey, this would clash with any outfit. You should know this. Being a bigot is a bad look. And Stacey, if you’re reading this I only have one thing to say. You’re a virgin who can’t win the 44th district.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
